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08x18 - Marry Me, Shorty

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,

08x18 - Marry Me, Shorty

Post by bunniefuu »

[Music]

said California is a place you ought to

be sold and loaded up the truck

Hills that is swimming pools movie stars

a Beverly Hillbillies

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

well granny shorty and Alberta on the

way to Las Vegas with alverna driving

and shorty asleep in the back seat if

that flavor holds up they ought to be

husband and wife by Nightfall as general

rule men these terrible matchmakers but

it looks like you too has done it how

about us having a glass of your cider

toast a happy couple good idea

[Music]

what are you doing back here that's what

I'd like to know

hey do you sleep in the back seat well

you see what to sleep in the back seat

wake up you hairy little critter

sounds like shorty to me

heard of the Frog being turned into a

prince but somebody's turned Shawty into

a hay

kiss your Melbourne

it's not when I got to the gate I looked

in the back seat and there he was

anybody seen cousin right here in

Shorty's car well what happened to

shorty I know what's gonna happen to him

when I get my hands on him calm down

he'll show up yeah come on in the house

and have a glass of cider

huh I know what happened to shorty he

left with that big tall girl that works

down Mr drysdale's Bank

yes sir they drove off together Miss

Jane's car

and you know did they come back

you take your ape and skedaddle in the

house I'll deal with Shorty

[Music]

[Applause]

thanks for the buggy ride baby you said

you had something important to tell me

but you never did

slipped my mind honey you must get right

out of me can't you remember what it was

about

I think I was supposed to go to

somebody's wedding in Las Vegas

how about dinner at my place tonight

sounds great I've got some groovy new

records good we can dance oh I love to

dance with you shorty you're so cuddly

you too Gloria

and there's so much of you to cuddle

[Music]

better be getting back to the bank Mr

Drysdale have my neck okay but save the

rest for me

I'm sorry you missed the wedding in Las

Vegas and you see one you've seen them

all

[Music]

is that shorty

who's what Jed that girl

oh that was my sister she already kind

of know your family and you ain't got no

sister

do you know my cousins not all of them

that's one of the ones you don't know

what about alverna Bradshaw who

to come out here and get married

that must be the wedding I missed

Wayne missed it yet

she's in there waiting for you

she's got plenty of witnesses that heard

you say the two of you ought to get

married

they don't say we ought to get married

maybe not to one another

to come from

Alvernon if you don't know that you

ain't ready to get married

you know what I mean what happened to

you well um something big come along

Albert

yeah and I had to grab it an opportunity

you couldn't say that

does it look promising yeah

well uh what we mean is uh yeah it looks

promising and uh no it ain't gonna work

out

it ain't yet not a chance now there

ain't nothing still in the way of you

and over in a driving to Las Vegas and

getting married oh wonderful a lot of

Happiness to you both and uh call us

after the honeymoon and we will all

right goodbye

come along darling Oh wait a minute

overnight ready yet what do you mean

there's several things you need washing

first

I'll do them for you

well you can't there's my

unmentionables

we're getting married aren't we

aren't we oh yeah yeah because I has my

bachelor party

bachelor party well yeah darling uh

every fellas entitled a bachelor party

before he gets married and somebody's

giving you one oh yeah planted all made

how come you didn't mention it before

I didn't think of it uh remember when's

it gonna be tonight where lawyers please

where

where nothing just Glory who's giving it

for you ah you know uh what's his name

uh ain't you folks gone to get married

yet oh we can't go to Lamar granny uh

somebody's given shorty a bachelor party

tonight sounds like Mr Drysdale that's

who it is he's always throwing parties

for shorty he's at it again granny

having a big one tonight I'm Duty bound

to go him being such a good friend of

Jed we'll see you later

I don't know if I like the idea of him

going to a bachelor party tonight

well look at it this way L burner it's

the last fun he's ever gonna have

Excuse Me Miss clap it's on the

telephone oh

Mr Clavin the dear friend what can I do

for you well I called to ask you

something

anything at all

it's always a pleasure what is it well

uh shorty kellums is getting married yes

I know are you giving him a bachelor

party

a bachelor party what yes yes of course

you're supposed to be tonight

yes tonight there at your bank

yeah you're right here you bet ah just

leave everything to me why

what was that all about well Mr Clampett

wants me to give shorty kellums a

bachelor party tonight alert all the

girls in the secretarial pool

shorty I want to apologize to you for

doubting your story I just talked to Mr

Gray deal and he is giving a bachelor

party for you tonight

to dig into you

know the Dickens ears regular Dickens

well I'm gonna go rest up for the party

yeah tomorrow you're Marielle first

[Music]

well here they Archie Queen of the

secretarial pool all right fine fine now

girls tonight I'm giving a bachelor

party for a friend of a very important

depositor so I expect each of you to

participate

oh you're new yes sir this is my first

date what is your name Jing bail uh

welcome aboard Miss Bell thank you thank

you now girls as I was saying tonight is

the party so all plan on working late

do we get paid extra oh you are new

now I don't want just another bachelor

party that's why I'm offering a bonus to

any employee who comes up with a novel

idea something with a flair something

fresh and provocative we don't get paid

for working tonight of course not you

work because I order you two right girls

all right

I thought sl*very had been abolished

oh that is that is very funny

that's also an excellent idea for the

bachelor party we'll have an oriental

sl*ve auction

oh goody I get the bonus Miss Hathaway

will transform my office into a Moorish

tent now arrange for the proper

furnishings and costumes for the

beautiful sl*ve girls and Harem girls

Chief I should like to go on record of

saying I disapprove of this whole idea

okay you're on record big deal however I

do approve the bonus for a needy

employee how much are you going to pay

well let's make a hundred dollars oh

that's very generous

oh shorty will have a ball buying all

those beautiful sl*ve girls I'll go and

tell them to spell about the bonus and

wait a minute what business is it of

hers if I get a bonus are you taking it

yourself well naturally but it was her

idea I say it was my idea and I'm the

boss you're taking a hundred dollars for

that idea is absolutely unfair you're

right I'll take 200.

[Music]

what are you doing Sharon

oh hi there fella how are you

oh here you are Fairchild

don't be scared me hella he's just

looking for his love tell him I ain't it

you ready would you oh honey miss

Bradshaw hello Jethro uh granny Mr

drizio sent these costumes over for

Ellie May what fur in case she wants to

be a sl*ve girl or Harem girl at

Shorty's bachelor party

hold it just roll

mean there's going to be Harem girls and

sl*ve girls prettiest she ever seen a

whole flock of them Shorty's gonna be a

shake

's Alberta what is them

is just what they look like

and all of them Harem girls wears

oh there's something else in there

look at this see right through it

soaking shorty

when you say I was supposed to be Jethro

a Sheikh I don't think

what does it she care to do he just

lounges around on a bunch of pillars

with a whole flock of pretty girl

I'm a sheep you're going to be king of

the desert boy are you gonna have fun

tonight I better get me some more rest

sometimes the party supposed to commence

uh eight o'clock Mr Isaac said it might

last all night

yo gonna wish this is the North Pole up

there Nitro three months long

[Music]

shorty Kellum

I don't like the notion that you're

going to that bachelor party tonight

it's all right Alberta I liked it enough

for both of them

Ed are you worried about turning shorty

loose tonight

I am for a fact I get the feeling if he

goes to that bachelor party he might

just stay a bachelor he'll burn has got

herself a wiggler on the line he partner

spit the hook this morning

I think maybe we just better show up at

that party I think maybe you're right

after all it was us it talked shorty in

a proposed in the hilgrim and it's us

that's got to see it through besides

that we might just have some fun

let's put these on and go to that party

over do you think we can get away with

it sure we've seen enough of them

pictures where the bower bam fellas like

Elmo Lincoln

who do I look like over now

and you're a dead ringer for Elmo

Lincoln come on

[Music]

how do I look for you you look like the

doorman at the Sahara Hotel

watch it Harem girl don't insult the

grand Khalif I'll have your head cut off

too tall anyway

and let's get rid of this feather fan

now I want you to take some pictures

tonight so shorty will have a record of

his bachelor party okay okay Grand

Sublime Majestic one

you don't have to call me that

just take the pictures

if I just picked up shorty Keller on

your knees dog of a dog a lonely camel

driver does not address the grand Khalif

as an equal there's nobody here except

Gloria frustrate yourself you fully

ridden jackal or I shall

Hive and your miserable caucus dried

across the burning sand

foreign

begs the inexpressible pleasure of

addressing the Glorious person each of

the grand Khalid

you may speak daughter of a goat the

radiance of a thousand moons in silver

Nathan every a footstep

you're the lustriest guests from the

city of the silver dollars albu Ben

callums known to all as shorty the she

did him enter

enter great chic

[Music]

a it's your clear as a fellow sinuses

there's Gloria

so I couldn't make it to your place

tonight honey but we'll have fun right

here

be seated Mighty chic

I shall summon for your pleasure the

first of a dazzling array of jewels of

the audience to entertain you

behold this lovely creature

captured from the Palace of the Sultan

of turkey and she is going to perform

for you the dance of a thousand Delights

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

summon the next desert flower and be

quick about it sister of a lizard

foreign

whistle or something that thing's giving

me a headache

hi lava howdy candy of the East you're

already in the West

glad to meet you candy shop is a tasty

tempting confection

she is there but why aren't all the

sl*ve girls you were going to sell I

shall have them brought in at once

the sl*ve auction is about to begin

Mighty Chic meanwhile sampled some of

our desert Delicacies

what'd you say nectar

no I didn't touch her

I can't buy them there's my friends

announcing the unexpected arrival of two

Imperial potentates

the shore of Clampetts and the Shad of

hello

welcome Noble visitor pull up a couple

girls and sit down fellas

time for the sl*ve auction

that's the c*ptive that once spawn of a

vulture oh yes great ruler of the world

may you awaken in the morning to find a

thousand precious stones in your

gallbladder

Noble visitors Feast Your Eyes Upon

these tantalizing captives

want a piece let's take a closer look at

the merchandise

exactly like back home is it yet they

don't have sales like this at the

Emporium

as you can see each of these girls is a

gem of rare Beauty each a princess of

Royal Blood princess

and your seldom well they have been

captured now they are sl*ves true Master

you may buy us as you would buy trinkets

we are bubbles Bangles and bees we're

dead Chad and shorty

who will start the bidding not me me

neither

I'll take them all in order to break up

sets Tracy's great Chic I have other

rare Treasures to Dazzle the eyes stun

the senses bring in the newest prisoner

twin of a toad at once light of the

world

Royal tonsils grow to the size of

watermelon

[Music]

to get a new camel driver

let the auction begin wait a minute here

come a couple more

Through The Auction Block sl*ve and let

the bidding commence

I'll bid on you baby I like them big

each career will now identify herself to

her future master

I am the daughter of the sultan men call

me the pearl of Persia

I'll take her under my harem

I am a princess in the court of the

Moorish King my name is Rohan chiha

Habib which means

she who gets cheated out of bonus

of the cage through the cage

daughter of the king of the Vikings I am

called Ingrid the good good honey you're

great but iron my hair

yeah

looking girls

get out of here okay but if I can't buy

one I'm gonna steal one

sl*ve auction yeah come on Big Mama

let's get a look at you

hey look at this fellas she really wants

me who are you honey I am known as El

Verna the angry and we're leaving right

now to get married

okay Alberta but we'll have to take her

along on the honeymoon with chain

together

boy did I picked the wrong woman

I didn't do too good myself Jethro

goodbye shorty

goodbye Gloria it could have been so

beautiful I know Johnny

[Music]

and you had to be a doggone blacksmith

[Music]

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welcome back now here this has been