01x11 - Pick Me Up

[bunniefuu]

I got you...
You sucker!

You're not done yet.

Grab the fox you old folks.

Jesus Christ!

- How far are we from Ganderton?
- More than an hour still.

- Is there anything around?
- Just a little trading post we passed...

...some 20 miles back.

Guess you could stop there.

Some nice bathrooms, snacks...
Stretch your legs, you know?

What about up ahead?

Hotel Alton. The highway is some...


Well, that'll have to do!

Well, I think you
ought to stay as a group.

I am not responsible if you get lost.

Hey?

Not going to walk, are you?

- Nobody walks.
- Nobody reads, either.

Alright, all alone in the open road...

Sure you don't want me
to ride shotgun for you?

No way.

You see... this?

This is the only friend I need.

Hey, I was only asking, okay?

- Yeah, aha!
- Christ!

She's a nutjob!

Woah... Wait here.
That bad, huh?

I mean, so young, so bitter?

- Have you ever been married?
- Oh yeah.

- Been there done that!
- Has he ever hit you?

Honey, anybody who ever
strikes me, strikes me once.

Hey, I see you still
wearing your ring, though!

This is to remind me
of my past mistakes.

I'll see you.

You take care now honey.

I almost always do.

Can't you call AAA or something?

Yeah a great idea. I just
called a little hip tow-truck.

Well, well. Would you look at this!
You got a problem here.

I can't get anybody on the damn radio...

Yeah... yeah.
You mind the lacquer there, pal.

I can take a few of these
passengers up to the trading post

if they don't mind riding
in the sleeper back of me.

Hey, heads up!

The trading post. They got a damn
good breakfast up there, great coffee...

and phones that actually work.

- I've got to stay with the bus.
- Oh, anybody else?

That works for me.

Anybody else?
Last call!

As long as you promise, you're
not some psycho or something.

I promise Miss...
What's your name?

- Birdy.
- Birdy...

We can't just go with some dumb
trucker that comes out of nowhere!

- What the hell is that?
- Get cool. He will hear you!

f*ck him! No one with
brains take us anymore.

He's probably just gonna
grind us into cat food, and...

sell me into white sl*very
or some goddam thing!

Marie, just relax...

Hey, who gets to ride upfront?

Who do you think? This pretty lady
here who is going to ride upfront.

Let's go.
Let's get inside.

No thanks.
Have a nice day!

- Probable lunatic!
- Great, good one. Perfect!

Wow, right over the back?

- Wow! It's pretty big back here...
- Hey, go easy!

We could have fit everybody in here.

Wow! You sure travel in luxury, okay.

Well, it's home!
Seat-belt, please.

- So what are you carrying in the back?
- Meat.

You know, they say meat's
dangerous nowadays,

with all those growth hormones,
not to mention mad cow.

Oh, mad cow...

Come on! You promised me you
wouldn't gonna be a lunatic...

Mine is all organic meat!
Kosher!

Let's get rolling.
When pick up we'll tell you both.

So, what kind of engine
you got there, Frank?

Four and a quarter cat, 18 speed...

double locking differential...

Woah... wait. Let's plain.
Don't need no chapter and verse...

I really love the way you **!

I bet you know how to ride...
I mean, drive this d*ck.

- It's my preference.
- I'm glad to hear you say that.

It made my day!

You sound like a city fella to me.

Actually I was raised in all five
boroughs in New York at the same time.

And it's too crowded up there, too
congested... took me a f*cking witnesses!

- Witnesses?
- Eight witnesses...

- And does that make me a bad person?
- No worse than any one else, I guess.

When I'm lonesome, I pick someone up,

give them a ride, make conversation...

sometimes I even let them go!

Well, that's reassuring...

So, you're not scared of me, right?

I'm a normal person, right?

Mister, I ain't never met
anybody that was normal.

Not after I got to know 'em anyway.

Hello...

Hello...

Hello!

Well...

You all headed up
anywhere near Landsdale?

We ain't headed nowhere
right this minute!

- What? A breakdown?
- Yeah...

I think it was trying ** up and died.

Well! That sucks!

You're telling me!

So in theory then, if you had not broken
down, you would have given me a ride?

Sure, amigo.

You got the fare...
I got the ride!

That's what I was hoping.

How many have you got?

Just those two.

- Hey.
- Don't talk to me, schmuck.

Marie?

Some guy just strolls in here out of
nowhere and he could be a child molester...

Honey, honey, would it put you out
terribly if I say for 5 minutes...

...you might keep your f*cking
paranoia to yourself?

Shut up!

f*ck!

You don't talk to me
in that tone, mister!

You have to respect me!

Everybody else caught a ride
back to that roadside store.

You mean someone offered you
guys a ride and you didn't take it?

That goes against my principles.

I have to stick on by
to get this old bus rolling.

If they can.

So you just gonna hang around?

- Only for a little bit.
- Smoke?

No, sir, I don't.

What the hell is that?

- Well, this?
- Yeah...

Just a little bit of road k*ll.

- What?
- Yeah. You wanna touch it?

- No f*cking way!
- That thing ain't gonna hurt you!

Talk into the mic... Come on.

Come on. Talk into the mic.
Where are you from?

From planet Earth.
Where are you from?

Hey, this thing on?

You wanna play?

No, no... people are afraid of snakes.

They think they're slimy.
They don't want to touch 'em.

The fact is, you notice...

It's pretty sturdy!

Come on, don't be afraid!

Get that thing out of my face!

Well, you're a big one, ain't you?

Maybe dead things can't hurt you...

I'll get to you!
I'll get to you!

sh*t!

- Stop!
- Stop right there, man!

You better not tattle!

I got work to do.

Where is the rest of my stuff?

Right here, sir.

You're obviously
a junk food addict, huh?

Excuse me, is there is
anything wrong with **?

No, it was only a joke.

Is that why I'm laughing so hard...

I also like two cartons of them,

because I'm a nicotine addict too.

Got one of this?

Have you got a piece back there?

- A g*n?
- No, no! I... I...

I don't have a g*n...

Now...

Don't be afraid.

This eliminates fear.

You just point it, and people fall down.

Here.

Go on. Take.

Now...

Point it at me.

- It's heavy.
- No, no... come on.

Do you feel more in control...

with more power?

Now all you need is the will to k*ll.

Pal...

Hell here! Keep this g*n.
You're gonna need it.

Why are you being so generous?

Why, I like these rest stops,
these convenience stores,

and punks are trying
on getting robbed...

I mean, that's why, and I hate that!

- I loathe punks.
- Yeah, me too.

- "c*cksucker"
- Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot something.

You see... man.

I left one in the pipe!

Oh... you mean I could have
actually, you know, shot you?

See this?

It's a hollow point!

It makes a teenie little hole going in

but coming out... oh...

it's a big slice of cherry pie!

You know .
Just take it back, sir.

I'm... I'm gonna take
my chances without it.

If that's okay with you.

Well! Hey?

You are such a disappointment to me.

You're gonna be a punk's feast!

Now pack me up.

This is f*cking unbelievable!

What other surprises have
you got in store for me?

I recall that you expressed an interest
to look inside the back of my truck.

I bet it's not kosher!

Well, if you pick up the groceries,

- we can take a peek.
- Okay.

Bye bye, Birdy!

Hey, mister?

I'm kind of worried...

that those people back in the bus...

you know, like they
never showed up, right?

I don't know, maybe they're
still in trouble back there!

Ann Marie?

Ann Marie?

Ann Marie?

Ann Marie?

How many times have we seen this?

I know you saw this in...
"Texas Chainsaw".

Both... f*cking versions!

Come on, let me take you some place
else until you cut the f*cking sh*t!

I got your credit card, Marie.

So am I trying to abuse
your personal information?

Steal your identity!

There are many cops out here.

Where did you get that?

I mean like, state trooper,
sheriff, that kind of thing...

See this?

There is less than one cruiser
for a 100 square miles up here.

I'm a Deputy Sheriff of Triple Pines.

When I'm not up here, I'm on a job.

I'm just here to...

- Unwind?
- Yeah... Right...

Unwind, that's a good word, unwind.

Oh man, it's weird up here!

Every time you turn around
the corner, it's exactly the same.

You know? Like as if
you're not getting anywhere.

Well, maybe you not getting anywhere!

sh*t!

I'm going in circles!

Do me a favor.

Spare me the part
where I could do anything.

Hey?

Where is everybody?

Where the f*ck are they?

That guy from the bus company.
He probably found that van...

- gave him a lift.
- Alright, man...

and then just leave the bus here
with the lights on, the door open?

You know, you're very
dangerously close to having a brain.

Now listen to me.
There was no one here!

So let's not be here either.
I'm bored!

Alright, okay.
Now look!

Right!
See they leave their bags?

Look!
There's Birdy's bag!

Oh my God!

I'm not so bored any more.

This is not good.

This is not good, dude!

We need to haul our a*s
back to that restaurant,

or get your CB and
then call the police, man!

What happened to Marie?

I mean what did he do with Marie?
Where the hell is f*cking...

There.

Take a closer look.

Marie...

Marie?

Marie?

Hello, Marie!

Please, somebody help me...

I'll find you!

I'm following your voice.

God... Help me!

Please help me!

- Keep shouting, Annie.
- Help me, please!

Please help me!

Help me, please.

What are you doing, just
standing around me?

Who did this?

He ran away.

Describe him, goddammit!

Maybe 25...

...cowboy hat and a duster...

Well, that doesn't sound
like a monster to me, lady!

You want a monster,
I'll give you a monster...

Please help me!

I know you, lady.

At the bus, remember?

I wasn't good enough for you.

You wouldn't get in my truck, would you?

- Where are you going?
- I'm a truck driver not a doctor!

I f*cking wouldn't know CPR from **...

Don't leave me here, you b*stard!

- You had your chance.
- Come back!

Please!

- Please help me!
- Sorry. You're not my victim

and I'm nobody here...

About f*cking time!

Hey?

I need a room.

- Hi!
- Can we offer you a ride?

Well, don't mind if I do, ma'am.

- Oh wow! Ma'am.
- Shut up Stoney!

Just being polite, ain't you?

Hey! How did you wind up
way the f*ck out here

in this piss pot in
the middle of nowhere?

Walk!

Like on foot, dude?

Can you just tell us how
far you want to go?

I generally go all the way!

Oops!

Sorry.

Nice pack!

These are my smokes...

And that's my p*ssy you're showing off!

Just get the f*ck in, okay?

I hope you like it bumpy!

Piece of sh*t motel!

This is the Beach Grove Motel.

We are away from
the desk at the moment...

Are you kidding me!

An answering machine?

I'm in... Yeah, I'm in room 4 and
I just got burnt by my shower...

and I can't turn it off,
the knob came off.

I need a plumber, I need some help...

God dammit!

Even the phone doesn't work!

Look at this!

And the body is still warm!

Someone with the
skill to slice a neck...

without breaking a sweat!

Could have hidden the body.

I don't know... he's got to show off...

What kind of vehicle
would this punk be drivin'?

"Relaxation Service"

Shake it up, shake the bed up!
Shake the bed up.

Do you **?

You know you look a lot better
without all them trashy clothes on.

Without all that trashy skin too.

It's crazy damn!

Snake shed their skin.
It's healthy.

Now that...

I can't f*ck a snake either.

Porn...

Embarrassing.

No romance to it.

It's just... kind of clinical, you know?

It's just as meat...
stuck into more meat!

Don't mean nothing, you know?

It's a filling hole.

We can make a hole practically
anywhere, am I right?

Am I... Am I right?

You better sound off like
you got a pair. Am I right?

I'm sorry!

You can't speak.

You ain't got a mouth.

How you suppose to talk
if you ain't got a mouth?

That's alright.

We gonna make you a mouth.

Hold still.

Pretty mouth, darling.

It's showtime!

Calm down.
It's almost done.

Yeah.

Okay...

f*cking little sh*t!

Hey?

Keep it down in there!

Shut the f*ck up!

Sorry about that!

You should be.

Creepy a*s motel!

Creepy...

Come on!

- f*ck!
- No problem.

I got loads of quarters.

Ma'am.

You're welcome?

I'm sorry.
Thank you.

No. That's my pleasure.
That's my pleasure.

- Have you seen the manager anywhere?
- Oh, you mean grandpa?

No, I think he's out getting
his beauty sleep somewhere.

Probably with a bottle,
you know what I mean!

Right...

Anything I can do for you?
I'm real handy!

No...
Thanks though.

Hey, did you hear those two in there?

Sounds like a g*dd*mn rodeo!

Well, I gotta go try to get some sleep.

Alright.
You have yourself a good night.

Hello there...

Oh... excuse me young man.

I hate to pry,

Well, were you by any chance
with this bus full of people

that broke down on
the road to Ganderton?

How did you know that?

I hauled a bunch of them
to the trading post, but...

How did you get away?

I hitchhiked.

How about you, pal?
You a hitchhiker?

No! Not presently, no sir.

My van right there.

Now, would you fellow
travelers care for a cigarette?

No, sir... I don't indulge.

Miss, please.

Savour the quiet.

Before it starts to rain.

I like the rain.

Rinses the air clean...
Clouds separate...

We can see tons more stars at night.

Well, the rain for me
is just hell on my truck.

Can't argue though, right?

Well, a lot of things can hurt
you out here, you know that?

The woods...

...now they're full of predators.

I gotta go call my boyfriend, now.

Well, I thought you said you were
gonna try and get some sleep.

Yeah... well.

He's gonna be picking me up
real soon, tonight, so...

I'll see ya.

Yup.

So I...

guess it should make you a little jumpy.

Maybe it was you!

It's alright. First impressions.
Don't mean much.

Oh, so you're a ladies man, am I right?

You'll know what I am eventually.

It's a big truck!
What are you hauling?

- Dog Food.
- Dog Food!

Only I haven't got a full truckload.

Yet.

You'll pick up some more on the way?

Oh yeah.

Well, it's been just
great talking with you.

The pleasure was mine.

I'll see you later.

I bet!

I bet you a quarter.

He bets...

Hey honey.

That was interesting.

I get it.

Trucker bird out there.
Trucker bird out there... He knows!

Don't know how, but he knows.

I didn't do anything.

Because I'm one of them cheetahs.

Yup, like one of them cheetahs...

They'll catch something,
and they don't eat it...

They don't k*ll it...

They play with it.

You know what I mean?

Sweetie?

I bet you do.

Sanitized.

Goddammit!

Totally unoriginal!
I am ashamed of you!

Ready or not, here I come!

Son of a b*tch!

Trucker!

I can't believe I took
a shower in there!

"The Horrible Thing"

What?

Hello, stranger!

Stay back from me.
I've got a knife.

Stay back!

And I got a g*n, so I guess I win.

- Listen! It's me... From the motel!
- What are you doing here?

Well, you know. What does a guy get
out of a truck to do behind a billboard?

Don't worry.
I'm a cop.

- See?
- Are you sure?

Oh well, says I'm a cop...

It's gonna bucket down here.

Let me give you a lift to Ganderton.
It's on my way.

Listen.
You're not safe out here.

What does that mean?

There are dangerous people out here
and that's why I'm here.

Let's talk about this
where it's dry, okay?

I'll even let you hold my g*n...

There.

Fine! f*ck it! Let's go.
We're gonna go. Let's go.

Stay back from me.

I don't need any help
getting into a f*cking truck.

Damn!

I'm sorry. I thought you were
that other guy from the motel.

I think he's following me.

Honey, that's why I'm out here.

What is this?
Some kind of manhunt thing?

- What did he do?
- He hurt a few people.

Do you know about territory?

He's kind of a poacher.
Goes where he doesn't belong...

And he hitchhikes and
that makes him hard to track.

- Jesus!
- Let's get outta here.

What is "The Horrible Thing"?

It's kind of a two headed
baby skeleton, I'd say!

It gives me the creeps.

Baby monsters!
Have you ever seen one?

No. You're going the wrong way!

Well, well, I...

I want to check this stretch from
here to the motel then turn around

and head out, just to
make sure about this guy.

No ones gonna pick him up in the rain!

- Don't you need backup or something?
- Not just yet.

You probably guess that there's a
personal thing between him and me.

So?

What's your story?

Just trying to get from one place
to the other like everybody else.

Just... like everybody else.

Come on, as*h*le!

I'm right here!

Wait a second. If you were after the
guy that was in the room next to me,

why didn't you arrest
him at the hotel?

Well, that's not how it works.

How what works?

Him and me... we're
very, very, very different.

He rides, I drive, he gets
picked up, I do the picking up and

He doesn't have any standards!

And he do anybody.
He's like a mad dog.

So...

It's like you're the hunter
and he is the hunted?

Some hunters only hunt dangerous prey.

Fighters, survivors...
not easy prey.

I don't quite follow you...

I know...

I'll have to show you. Could you
open that glove compartment for me?

It would all become clear.

Hey jeeze!
That must have hurt!

Ah you know, I'm sorry. Could have been
Chitty... Chitty Jerry, you know?

- I could have been friendlier instead!
- What the f*ck?

What the f*ck!
What have you done to me?

And I just said: "Could I have one
of your earrings as a souvenir?"

And you just said no!

- Cool it babe.
- You're gonna let me out!

Borrowed one of your trash!

Oh get it! f*cking Christ!

Now you will try to... you know
jump out of a running truck?

Which won't do you no good

because the door don't
open from the inside!

- I just thought I'd let you know that.
- Why are you doing this?

Lady, when you're fishing, the bait
doesn't ask stupid questions.

-You're not a cop!
- Hooo yet...

- You piece of sh*t!
- It's equally stupid!

How long was I out?



No permanent damage.

- Here we go!
- No, no... no

You don't mind a little company, do you?

- Hell of a night!
- Yeah.

You're offering me a ride?

That's the way it's
suppose to go, isn't it?

You sure you got room?

Yeah, sure. Get in.

Hello again.

Hold up. Stop!

- Stop!
- What?

A snake. Don't hit it.

- Why not?
- Cause it's minding its own business.

- You got another one of those?
- I thought you didn't smoke...

Yeah, well... I guess I fooled you!.

- Here! Light this up.
- Oh, thank you.

You know, this snake,
reminds me of a blonde joke.

- Do tell.
- This blonde...

she was walking through Central Park

in the middle of winter. And she sees
this rattlesnake freezing in the snow.

And the rattlesnake says: "Listen, babe,"

in kind of a Humphrey Bogart
way of snake...

I just got out of the Zoo...

Could you pick me up and
take me where it's warm?

She said: No, no. You'll bite me.
I can't pick you up!

And the snake said
to her, "Do trust me".

And this is the part I love.

She was to be a Girl Scout
for about ten minutes.

She picks the snake up and starts
walking back to the Zoo.

And the snake got up and
bites her right on the boob!

- On the boob?
- Baga big baga boob!

And gives her the big sweep.

f*ck!

She's screaming, "Oh, you
promise not to bite me!"

And the rattlesnake said...

You knew what I was
when you picked me up?

Yes. Except the way I heard it told,
it was a scorpion and a toad.

Nobody gives a f*ck!

You knew the punchline all along, huh?

- Sorry.
- I guess you're just not a dumb blonde.

Yeah, that's good to know.

Alright, should we go?

Where are we going?

Where are you headed, cowboy?

- Where are you taking her?
- Undecided.

Dear God!

- Goodness!
- And wet weather goes in threes.

No...

- Here you are.
- Don't you f*cking touch me!

Don't f*cking touch me!

- You are a passenger!
- Yeah. You be polite.

And I just met our trucker friend here.

He is the type of guy who likes to hunt.

He likes to theorize
about prey and he likes...

to think about where the
opponents, and fair game.

Just about all them bullshit.
He loves it.

Very romantic...

Now, he thinks he ain't a predator.

You should have seen
him back at that bus!

See all this little trinkets,
those little souvenirs?

Look at that.
He never saw a horrible thing!

He just kept the button!

Now...

your genuinely dangerous individuals.

They almost never look... crazy.

They don't have any weird tattoos, they
don't have weird stitches on their face,

not funny shape heads.

There are none!

Predictable.

Well, you're within 10 seconds
of making a point there.

Yeah, you drive, he rides
and only question is which

one of you assholes is
the bigger f*cking psycho!

I told you to be polite, didn't I?

My bets on the trucker.

Oh, is that right?

You know what? Why don't you
two assholes just k*ll each other?

Woh! Get those g*ns out of my face!

Your money still on the trucker?

You may get me, but I get her.
You better give it a minute, boss!

Maybe worth it!

Who gets who?

Both of you get f*ck!

She's mine!

You can have her!

- After I k*ll her!
- I ain't some kind of f*cking pervert!

She's mine!

No, no, no, no...

Damn!

Never turn down a ride!

That would be crazy!

- Hey! Get your f*cking hand...
- Hold still. Come on, please.

No need to wake yourself up!

You know, you were g*dd*mn lucky!

What do you mean?

I went through the a f*cking
windshield and you call me f*cking lucky?

No, you lost yourself some blood and
you broke your arm and your leg,

I guess I should mind my own
business about this, huh?

Man, I had an accident!

Yeah, I through the windshield
and I'm innocent of anything.

And don't think about
the bumps in the road, okay?

Here, have this.

Oh no...

- You...
- Three! Is always beat you, right.

You beat me, you f*cking **!

- You are f*cking dead!
- f*ck you!

Calm the f*ck down!

f*ck you piece of sh*t!

Well, we have a 200
year old truck driver!

Gentlemen, please.
Take it easy.

Calm down.

You don't bust a blood vessel,
you stupid son-of-a-b*tch.

There's a hell of a lot
two guys like us can do!

In an ambulance like this.

Okay, boys and girls!

Seat belts fasten and luggage stowed.

Hey, Benny. Watch this!
Two at once.

- What's in those?
- Oh, nothing but air, my friend!

Awesome!

Hey Bobby?
What about dessert?

Oh! Oh!

We're saving her for later!