01x01 - Your Cheatin' Heart

[bunniefuu]

Morning, honey.
Great day today, honey.

Isn't it, honey?

Yes. It's very nice.

You know, sugar, Pim's been
awfully well behaved lately.

I think we should excuse her
from her chores this week.

Really? Well, i--

great, great! In fact,

I think we should cancel
her chores all month

and get her some presents.

Clothes, video games--

I don't know
what the kids like today.

Adjustable bed
with a remote control.

Well, if you think
that's best, Lloyd,

I guess we could.

[laughing]

Aha!

Oh!

Uh, hey, mom.
What's up?

Pim, I have warned you

about using
your instamorph

to fool people.
Obviously,

those warnings haven't
had an effect.

Until now.

But this warning
feels like a keeper.

Yep. Lesson learned.

Just to be on the safe side,
give me 50 push-ups.

Excuse me?

You heard me! I said
drop and give me 50!

Now!

1, 2!

[both] 1, 2!

1, 2...

1, 2...

1, 2...

I'm gonna miss
these moments.

[groans]

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from the 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

[Keely, southern accent] How can you sit
by while the bank takes our farm?

We both been
done been born here.

What can we do?

The drought k*lled our crops,
and our cow's hair fell out.

What can we do?

We can fight.

We can save this here farm.

Or we can die trying.

And... scene.

Keely, you're holding back.
I need more emotion.

The bank is taking away
your farm.

They're snatching it.
Snatching it!

And Phil...

You just sat there
the whole time.

Use the whole stage.

Move around.
Get physical.

Like--like this?

I love it.

[bell rings]

All right, everyone.
We'll see you next time

when we begin work
on our monologues.

Emotion, emotion!

I knew that.

Hey, Keely.

Nice scene.

Very...

You know?

Uh, really?

Thanks. Gee, thanks.
Really?

I just kind of went--
Keel.

Take a breath.

Uh... so...

You didn't think
I was too unemotional?

No way. I got the whole scene
just from your eyes.

You know, your eyes
are the window to your soul.

You've got
stained glass eyes.

[chuckles, coughs, clears throat]

Wow.

You really think so?

I do.

So I was wondering if maybe you'd like to
do your next scene with me?

Are you kidding?
I'd love to scene a be in with you.

Uh...

Be in a scene with you.

Yes. Yes.

Good stuff.

We'll talk later.

I gotta jet.

-[squeals]
-Stained glass eyes.

Who would fall for
a line like that?

Tanner Kirkpatrick
just talked to me.

I guess she would.

Are these seats
taken?

Yup.

One moment,
sweet pea.

This is merely
a handkerchief.

You deserve
a velvet throne.

Bradley, you are
such a treasure.

Isn't he a treasure,
Pim?

I wish he was
buried treasure.

Pim, you and
your zingers!

You know, going steady
is so much fun.

You really should
find someone.

Bradley, don't you have
a friend for her?

No, thanks. I'm not interested
in anyone from Munchkinland.

What about Chauncey?

No. He's married
to his flute.

But Emerson just got
his braces off!

Oh, yay.

You know, individually,
you 2 are a pain,

but together,
you're a bee sting in the eye.

Pim, you and
your zingers again!

Watch out, carrot top!

Oh, I forgot dessert.

Let me. Your wish
is my command.

Hurry back!
I'll miss you!

I'll miss you more!

I can't take this t*rture.

I gotta break
this couple up.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Bing! Nice.

Already missing you!

I thought he'd never leave.

Pim, what's the matter?

I just don't want you
to get hurt. It's Bradley.

What about Bradley?

I just don't know
how to tell you this.

He told me he's warm
for my form.

[gasps]
He said this?

Maybe I was leading him on.

I blame myself.
Bad, Pim! Bad!

Here you go.
Sweets for my sweet.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer,
you--

you--

[laughter]

Not bad.

And last year,

Tanner did the scene
from get off my cloud.

I swear, everybody in
the audience was crying.

Wow, it was
that bad, huh?

I'm kidding.

But soft...

What light through
yonder window breaks?

Hey. What's shakin'?

Keely, I think I found the perfect
scene for us to do--

from a little play
I like to call Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, great. What scene?

Uh...

Act 2, scene 2.

The balcony.

-[cell phone rings]
-That's awesome. So...

Which one of you
is gonna play Juliet?

Excuse me.

Hello?

No, I can't right now.

Well, I'm gonna
see you tomorrow.

Of course I'm looking
forward to it.

See you then.

That's Darcy.

She's a little 8-year-old girl
from Bulgaria.

I tutor her in reading.

Oh! That's so sweet.

Just trying to give
back a little.

Make the world more...

Tanner, you are
a great American.

Anyway...

Keel, I was thinking
we could get together

later this afternoon and start
running our lines.

Oh, great!

How about cocoa palace
at 4:30?

Beauteous.

4:30.

Hey, you need
some paper?

Because there's
a whole lot around if you want.

This works.
Keeping it simple.

All righty.
Well, you go get 'em, man.

Go make the world more...

Huh.

Grr! Ay-ah!
Aye-ya-ya!

[doorbell rings]

Anybody
going to get that?

Rr-rawr!

[doorbell ringing]

Why doesn't
Pim get it...

Again?

Hi, Pim. I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Not really,
but you are in my house,

and that feels
kinda funky.

Well, it's just I have
to talk to somebody about Bradley.

Oh, right!
The old romance of the century

went down the dumper
today, huh?

Well, that's
how it seems,

but I'm not going
to let that happen.

I'm going to be
more like you.

You said what, now?

Look, I understand why
Bradley is drawn to you.

You're wild,

and untamed, and you appeal
to the beast in him.

There's a beast in Bradley?

What is it, a chipmunk?

Look, I want to be
wild and untamed, Pim,

and I want you
to teach me.

Ok.

Let me hear you growl.

What?

Growl, sister!

Grr?

Put your back
into it!

Grr.

-Grr!
-Grr!

-Rawr!
-Rawr!

- Grr!
- Grr!

- Rawr!
- Rawr!

- Grr!
- Grr!

Phil, what'd you get
for question number one?

Uh, x=2.

Me, too!

So, what'd you get
for number 2?

Uh, n is greater than y.

Me, too!

So, what'd you get
for number 3?

You know, Tia,
if you cheat,

you're only
hurting yourself.

You didn't get
a word of that.

[Keely] Hey, guys!

Guys, guys, guys,
guess what happened?

Tanner put
his arm around me!

[girls scream]

Sorry. The kid don't scream.

Ok, girl, dish.
Tell me everything.

Which arm,
left or right?

-Left.
-Shoulder or waist?

- Waist.
- [both scream]

We finished running lines,

and we're having
some hot chocolate,

and he put
his arm around me.

Hey, did he get
any ink on you?

What? The guy's arm
is a giant notepad.

You know what, girl?

I think you might
have your first boyfriend.

I think I might.

[both scream]

I got to go journal!

Go. Journal
like the wind.

She's so cute.

I'll never forget
my first boyfriend.

He was... No.

I think it was
before that.

Great story. I just wish Tanner
wasn't such a load.

Look who's jealous.

No. I'm not jealous...

I don't think.

Nope. I just wish
Tanner wasn't such a load.

Connor Kubeki!

He was my first boyfriend.

No. That was in first grade.

So, what'd you get
for number 4?

They all want me
to take a dive, mckirk.

But I gotta win!
I gotta win, I tell you,

so I can pay
for my sister's operation.

So take your best shot!

End scene!

Phil, good.
You're moving around more.

Getting physical.
Getting physical.

Mercer, you, sir,

are money.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
Tanner Kirkpatrick.

He couldn't do after school
scene work today.

He had
a dentist's appointment.

Oh, well,
if you see him,

could you tell him
that Darcy stopped by?

- Darcy?
- Miss Darcy,

rest assured that Mr. Kirkpatrick

will receive this missive.

Ok.

Tell me, did Darcy
strike you as an 8-year-old

Bulgarian girl
who can't read?

I'll teach her
how to read.

Know what I'm saying?

No. What are you saying?

I don't know.

Keep working on it.

Now, acting
is really lying.

And also,
it's telling the truth.

Hey, Darcy.

Uh, I heard you came by.

Tanner, I asked my parents

if you can come
skiing next weekend,

and they're
thinking about it.

Isn't that great?

Tanner, what's wrong?

[in deep voice]
Oh, that's better.

What's wrong
with your voice?

Um, I must be
getting a cold.

Ahem.

[coughing] Better get back inside
to work on my scene.

Ok, boo. See ya.

Mm-mmm.

You may be getting
a cold,

but your kissing
is better than ever, Tanner.

Hmm.

Huh.

"You're kissing better than ever,
Tanner."

Tanner.

Oh, no.

Keely.

Hey, son,
what's up? Ow!

Nothing.

Hey, hey. That wasn't
a nothing nothing.

That was
a something nothing.

I've got kind of
a problem with Keely.

Say you're sorry.
Act like you mean it. Move on. Ow!

I didn't do anything.

It's Keely's problem.

Then just
stay out of it.

- Ha ha. Missed me.
- Ow!

Keely really likes
this guy at school,

and I found out
he's 2-timing her.

How'd you find
that out?

I kissed his girlfriend.

Long story.

And you don't want
Keely to get hurt?

Yeah.

She's going to get hurt
either way, sweetie.

Might be better for her
to hear it from you.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, sir.

Sometimes you just got to stay out of
other people's business.

You don't have
to tell her everything.

I don't tell your mom
everything.

Oh, and what
haven't you told me?

No, i--he doesn't--

I've told you--

[telephone ringing]

Yes! There's the phone.
I'll get it.

Like I won't
see him later.

Ok, so if it's that
Pim Diffy attitude

that Bradley Benjamin Farmer wants,

that's exactly
what he's going to get.

Yay.

Yeah.

So, I'm a kid at school,
and I look at you funny.

What do you say?

What're you
looking at?

No, no.
Like this.

What're you
looking at?

What're you
looking at?

What're you
looking at!?

What're you
looking at?

Hey, girls, I was gonna make a snack.
You want something?

Debbie, tell him
what you want.

With attitude.

What do you think I want?

I don't know.

That's why I asked.
Popcorn?

You wish
I wanted popcorn.

Is everything ok here?

Make with the popcorn, Stretch.

I'll wait for a please.

Rr-rawr!

I feel terrible.
Wait! No.

I don't. That was
actually kinda fun.

I'll be in my office.
Keep practicing.

I can't wait
to see what happens

when Bradley gets
a bellyful of you.

Oh, he'll get
a bellyful all right.

He'll get
such a bellyful,

he'll look like
a pregnant whale.

Oh, so now I'm fat,
is that it?

You're a meanie.

You're a mean kid.

[bell rings]

Hey, Keel, can I talk
to you a second?

I'm kinda in a hurry.

I'm on my way
to rehearse with blue.

- Blue?
- That's what I call Tanner.

Because of the ink
on his arms?

No. Because of his eyes.

He calls me glowworm
because I light up his life.

Isn't he incredible?

Uh, look...

I know you think so,
but...

What do you mean but?

I'm saying maybe,
I don't know,

you're rushing things
a bit.

I don't think I am.

Why can't you
just be happy for me?

Keely, listen to me.

Tanner's not a good guy.

You just don't like him.
You never have.

And instead of supporting me
like a real friend,

you just make
snotty jokes about Tanner.

No. You don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

All you can do
is tear Tanner down

because he likes me,
and I like him.

You're such an immature jerk,
you can't handle it.

Grow up.

Yo, Farmer.

How's your crops growing?

What're you
looking at?

Deborah,
is that you?

Heh. It ain't
the easter bunny.

Romeo,
doff thy name.

For thy name
is no part of thee.

Take all myself.

I take thee
at thy word.

Call me but love,

and I'll
be new baptized.

Henceforth,
I will never be--

Darcy?

Hey, boo.
Didn't mean to interrupt.

Can we take 5?

Mm-hmm.

Hey.
Mom and Dad said

you can come skiing
next weekend.

Isn't that awesome?

Keely, this is
Romeo and Juliet, girl.

Emotion. Emotion!

I can't wait
until next weekend.

Ahem.

Uh, is this going
to be weird for you?

Because I don't
think we ever said

we were exclusive
or anything.

No. No problem.
It's cool.

Ok. Ahem.

So, uh, so,
where were we?

Oh, right, right.

Henceforth,
I will never be Romeo.

Doest thou love me?

I know thou
wilt say aye,

and I will
take thy word.

And if thou
swearest thou...

Thou mayest
prove false.

That's the emotion
I'm looking for!

Sure, you dropped
a few words,

but it was progress.
Progress!

Thank you.

Hey.

You all right?

Got it. I'll leave
you alone.

How come you're not
saying I told you so?

Why would
I say that?

Because you were right.

It's not something I wanted
to be right about.

I said all
that horrible stuff to you.

What?

About being an immature jerk?

Oh, no. I get that all the time.

My sister says that.
Friends, parents,

random people
on the street.

"Hey, it's the immature jerk.
What up?"

How can you stand there
and not be mad at me?

Because you're
feeling lousy.

Friends are supposed to be there
for each other

when that happens.

Well...

I do feel pretty lousy.

Yeah.

I think life's going to make us feel
like that sometimes.

Probably a lot.

I think we're
pretty lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah.

We got each other's backs.

We always will.

Always.

Well, that's how
I'm planning my future.

Listen, actor boy,
and listen good.

If you ever cheat
on another girl,

if you ever lie
to another girl,

then I'm stuffing you in that locker
and throwing away the key!

You hear me?
I said did you hear me?

Yes! All right!

All right, then.
I suggest you get out of my sight.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

Run, you little weasel!

We did it!

Oh, oh. Hmm.

Thanks for letting me
use the instamorph.

Any time.

Little weasel?
Not too bad.

Thanks. I was kinda
in the moment.

Pim, how you doing?

Farmer.

Debbie told me how
you've been teaching her

to be more like you.

Me like it.

What?

She gave me
the heave-h*,

said I'm too white bread
for her now,

but I got to admit...

I like Debbie
with some edge.

So go after her.

Why would I go
after hamburger

when I'm looking at steak?

All right.

Wait a minute.

Am I the steak
in this?

Filet mignon.

Bradley, no way, no how.

Not here, not anywhere else.

Not now, not ever.

I like a challenge.

What have I done?

You've awakened
a jungle cat.

Bradley's on the prowl.

Grr!