01x08 - Daddy Dearest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Froggy went a-courtin ♪

♪ And he did ride,
Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Froggy went a-courtin' ♪

♪ And he did ride,
Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Froggy went a-courtin'
And he did ride ♪

♪ Sword and his p*stol by his side ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Yee-haw! All right!
High five! That was great!

Aw, come on, you guys, you gotta love this
American folk music.

How about Millie Kissed A Catfish?
Here we go!

Dad, I want to, but I gotta meet
Keely at the mall.

And I... just don't want to.

Hey, how about
I replicate us

and then you can play
with our doubles?

Ok, but it's more fun with you guys.
Right, bass?

[laughing]

Good luck.

Suckers! Ha!

Aw, replicants,
you're in for some fun.

1, 2, 3, and 4.

♪ Millie kissed a catfish ♪

Whoo! Hey!
♪ Millie, oh ♪

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from the 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine,
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

-[Dad] Hey, Pimmy!
-[screech]

Sweet strawberry jam!

Here, sugar Berry.
You forgot your history book.

Thanks.
You can go now.

No problem, but you might want
to check chapter 3.

I snuck a little turkey jerky in there
that you love so much.

Don't worry. It's low sodium.
She gets really bad gas.

[class snickering]

Is that your dad?

Daddy hearts Pim!

[class giggling]

No!

[class laughing]

[door closes]

[humming]

Oh!
Oh, goodness!

-I'm so sorry about that!
-Oh!

I came--I was--

hey, nice jaw harp.

Is that
the bluegrass 3,000?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

I beveled the tweenie there
and crimped the cropper--

Oh, jeepers Christmas,
it's gorgeous!

Yeah, the trigger,
if you just pound

a little better
with your thumb...

-Uh-huh?
-You really get some nice action there.

[Dad laughing]

Did you hear that?

[dad laughing and snorting]

Yeah! It sounds
like a dying pig.

That's no dying pig.
That's my father.

Well, what's he
doing here?

I don't know.

And why's he talking
to our music teacher?

I don't know,
but they seem

to be getting along
pretty good, Phil.

Is he giving her
a high five?

[laughing]

I wish he wouldn't
do that laugh.

Oh, hey, Dad.
I saw you talking to Ms. Levy today.

What was that
all about?

[gargling]

I'm sorry. I didn't quite make out what
you were saying.

It's the most
amazing thing.

Ms. Levy and I started talking about
American folk music.

She's a big fan.
Next thing you know, she asked me to--

[gargling]

To do what?
To gargle?

[spits] Mmm!

She asked me to sing to your music class
tomorrow, isn't that great?

Uh, could we talk
about this real quick?

Sorry.
No more chit-chat.

Gotta take care of
the old pipes.

But... uh...

Mom, I gotta talk to you.

Sorry.
I'm not your mom.

You're not? Mom?

Oh, hi, sweetie!

I just needed a little help
with the groceries.

Hey, Barb, could you get
started on the laundry?

She's so bossy.

I don't know how
you put up with her.

Replicants.

Mom, I gotta
talk to you.

I smell spackle! Ha!

I wondered who put that
on the grocery list.

What do you need
spackle for?

What do I do every Tuesday?
Spackle stuff.

Mom, please.

Dad's coming to my class
tomorrow to sing.

You gotta help me.
I'm gonna be a total laughingstock.

Oh, Phil,
it won't be that bad.

Yeah, it will.
You know how he gets

when he starts
playing his music.

Oh, come on, Phil.

He came by my class today
and it was a party!

Great.
Thanks for the input.

It's what I do!
[giggles]

Honey, I know sometimes your father might
come across as a little--

-Insane?
-Goofy.

But you know how much he loves playing
that old-time music.

His side of the family's
been playing it forever.

-I know.
-Ok, good.

And it's just one single
class period, right?

Heh. Right.

[man moaning]

What in the...

[groaning]

Curtis?

Are you OK?

[Curtis groans]

Oh, h* h* h* h*!

Are you OK?

[sobbing]

Mongu.

Aw, there's something the matter
with your jaw.

-What is it?
-Uhh, ohh!

It's your tooth!

[moaning]

Yicky sticks.

No wonder
your tooth hurts.

Uhh! Ohh!

Curtis, stop that.

I have to take you
to the dentist.

Oh, I can't take a caveman
to the dentist.

[whimpering]

Uhh! Aah, ha!

Ooh!

Looks like I'm taking a caveman
to the dentist.

Uhh! Mmm! Uhh!

No, no, come on.
Come with me.

[speaking caveman]

No, I'm driving.

-Ohh!
-Come on.

And so, class,

today we have
a very special guest

who I believe
will greatly add

to our appreciation
of American folk music.

Well, 20 students,
45 minutes--

how bad could it be?

Howdy, pupils.

Oh, that bad.

Class, say hello
to Mr. Lloyd Diffy,

father of our very own Phil Diffy.

Do you think someone can actually
die of embarrassment?

Hey, kids...

[chuckling]

Without music,

you would be dead
right now.

[gasping]

Heh heh, now that
I have your attention,

that's not exactly true.

However,

music plays an important part
in all of our lives.

Who here can tell me
the origin of music?

The origin?

Anyone?

Awroo! Awroo!

Awroo! Awroo!

Awroo!

That's right--birds.

Birds were probably
man's first musical instrument.

I know.
Heh heh heh! I know.

Heh heh heh! I know.

Heh heh heh heh heh heh!

Who would've thought?
Heh heh heh. Right?

Heh heh heh heh heh heh!

♪ Pollyanna tadpole
Fell down the well ♪

♪ Fell down the well
For some sugarcane ♪

♪ Pollyanna tadpole
Fell down the well ♪

♪ Fell down the well,
Big smile on her face ♪

Just the class now.

♪ Fell down the well,
Big smile on her face ♪

Just the teacher now.

♪ Fell down the well,
Big smile on her face ♪

Just Phil now.

♪ Fell down the well,
Big smile on his face ♪

Just the girls.

♪ Fell down the well,
Big smile on her face ♪

Phil, you have to
eat something.

Could you at least blink?

Hey, Phil, your dad
was really cool.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Phil,
how'd it go?

Thinking about
transferring?

At least
the nightmare's over.

Hey, guys!

Or not.

So, Phil, what'd you think
of my little performance?

You ran out of there so quick,
I didn't get a chance to ask ya.

Unbelievable.

I'll never, ever
forget it, Mr. Diffy.

I so agree.

Mr. Diffy,

your passion for
American folk music,

it's truly
mind-boggling.

Ha ha ha ha!

My mind,
it's boggled.

Ohh! You would make
a welcome addition

to our distinguished
speakers series.

[both] You said what now?

Well, Phil, Pim,

I was hoping
that your father

could fill in tomorrow.

Ms. Levy, I would be honored.

But, Dad, the assembly is in front of
everyone, the entire school.

That's freshmen, sophomores,
juniors, seniors,

counselors, teachers--
everyone.

Phil, the more, the merrier.

Right? Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I got to go buff my washboard.

Oh, heh!

Great!

Um...

[sighs]

I know you guys
are embarrassed by your dad,

but I can relate.

2 weeks ago, I forgot my lunch.

So my mom drops it off
in my civics class.

She showed up and was all,
"Hi, pumpkin buns.

I put a love sandwich
in your lunch today."

Hey, guys,
I figured it out.

I'm gonna open with
Millie Kissed A Catfish,

straight into
Beetle In The Bottom Of The Bucket,

and close it out with
Froggy Went A-courtin'.

Great idea.

Gotta finish strong.

That's what
I'm talking about.

See what we're up against?

Maybe you guys could just talk
to him about this.

And say what?

"Dad, I wish
you wouldn't embarrass me.

Dad, I wish
you were cooler."

That sounds good.

I'll go tell him.

Pimmy, get real, all right?

He's our dad,

and he's coming
to school tomorrow

to sing about catfish,
beetles, and frogs,

and we just gotta take it.

Wait, wait, wait!
Since we can't

teach your dad
how to be cooler,

why don't we use that totally awesome
replicator thingy?

Then we'd have 2 goofy dads.

No. Then we teach
the replicated dad

how to be cool.

Pumpkin buns,
it's hugging time!

[chuckling, mumbling]

Shh!

Ok.

[beeping]

Follow me. Shh!

Ohh.

We've got a lot
of work to do.

Tell me about it.

We're gonna teach you
how to be cool.

All right,
maybe you've noticed

my dad isn't very hip.

Trust me,
I've seen his act.

He put the doo in doofus.

He's not a doofus,
he's a don't-fus.

Heh heh heh. [Snorts]

What did you
do that for?

It's how they train
circus animals.

And no snorting.
It's lame.

And it's really not cool
to laugh at your own jokes.

Even on championship zingers
like "don't-fus"?

No air quotes.

Ok, I'm catching on.

This is going to be easy-peasy.

Yeah, I figured that.

There's nothing to be
afraid of, Curtis.

Unh!

Relax. Relax.

Try not to act
so prehistoric.

I'm gonna go
check in,

and you just
take a seat.

Oh--

uh, I meant
in a chair.

Oh.

[grunts]

Arrr.

Hi.

Barbara and Curtis Diffy.

D-I-f-f-y.

We're here for
our 3:00 appointment.

Diffy? [gasps]

Oh, well, pinch my cheeks!

Hi, Mrs. Diffy!

Oh, hey!

Hi...

Debbie!

I've never met
Curtis Diffy before.

Where have you been
hiding him, in a cave?

Cave? Ha ha ha!

That's hilarious.

No. Curtis is Pim's
very distant cousin.

Unh. Uhh.

Hello, Curtis.

Aah.

Woo-wee!

If your odor could write,

you'd have a big
interesting book.

[speaking caveman]

Eh. Ooh!

Oh, you like
stickers, too?

Well, guess what?

Ring, ring!

The sticker patrol
is here

with stickers for
my newest special pal.

Yaah.

Ooh, how about
a purple unicorn?

Unh!

Or 2 monkeys holding hands.

I hope they're married.

Ehh.

I hope this
won't take too long.

My... cousin has a very big important
business meeting across town.

Ah, ha ha ha ha!

Well, you know
these businessmen types.

Yeah, they work hard,
they play hard.

It seems as though
a sticker volcano has erupted

and the lava--
the stickers--

are all over my face.

Ehh, heh heh.

He's nutty...

And I love him!

Ehhh!

Sorry, Dad,

you're not going
anywhere today.

[metal detector dinging]

Hey, Dad!

Uh, what are you doing
with the metal detector?

Oh, just blowing off
some steam before the big gig.

[beeping rapidly]

Ohh, pay dirt!

Hey, this is my stuff.

Huh, Curtis must've
buried these.

Heh, yeah. Got to do
something about him.

Aaaaaah!

Yeah, relax.

I'm not gonna
let you down.

I think I'm gonna open with this
Millie Kissed A Crawfish.

Great. Cool.

Except it's catfish.

Millie Kissed A Catfish.

Who cares?

Right! Sorry.

Ok, Mr. Diffy.

You're gonna go on
in a couple of minutes

after the school
announcements.

Good luck!

Don't leave me hanging.

Ohh, right.

I can't believe it.

My dad's about to go on stage
and I'm not even nervous.

You're welcome.

Huh?

It was my plan,
and I want my props.

Oh, yeah. Ok.
Props.

Ain't no thing.

You know, hit it and do,

you know, the cool--
I mean...

So, you look
kind of foreign.

Where are you from?

[grunting]

He's from a tiny country.

Oh.

Yeah. On the globe,
it's at the top,

you know, right under that little metal
cap thingy.

Oh, really?

Backpacked through there
after dental school.

-Lost a toe.
-Uhh.

Heh.

Aah!

I think we've found
our culprit.

I am so sorry.

It's all right.
I work with kids.

I say you just yank
that puppy out,

and we'll get
out of your hair.

I'd like to wait for
the x-rays to come back.

[speaking caveman]

Hey, lady!

Don't play
with the instruments.

Uhh.

My bad.

Heh heh heh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

I think I'm gonna cut
this milk in a jar.

Uh, cut it?
Are you sure?

I'm gonna take this assembly
in a new direction,

a cooler direction.

Uh, do you
want to do that?

'Cause I know Ms. Levy was expecting you
to sing American folk songs.

So, uh...

Look at these songs.
They're stupid.

I mean, who listens
to this junk, right?

Actually, my dad does.

He's been singing them
my entire life.

Right. Which is why
I'm here, remember?

Because your dad's a loser.

Hey, I never said
he was a loser.

Come on, come on.
Let go.

Pim, let go.
Would you let me go?

It's not funny anymore. Come on.

Cut it out.
Would you let go?

Cut it out!

I'm sorry.
I tried my best.

Phil, what's
going on here?

Uh...

Look, we...

I messed up.

I thought that
if I replicated you

then you wouldn't be able
to come out here

and--and play
and embarrass us.

Embarrass you?

How would I do that?

Gee, I wonder.

Clue in, pal.

You're just not cool.

Listen... pal,

I just found out who's cool,
and it ain't you, pal.

Ahem.

And now, without further ado,

we present the American
folk music stylings

of Mr. Lloyd Diffy.

Guys...

I didn't know you felt
this strongly.

They're just silly
little folk songs.

I don't have to
go out there.

Great!
Problem solved!

No, Dad,
they're not silly.

They're part of
what makes you...

You.

You're one in a million.

So, come on. We want you to get
out there and play.

Right, Pim?
Right!

Mr. Diffy, any time.
Heh heh.

Ok.

[applause]

He has a jawbone right out of
the stone age.

Yeah, it runs
in the family.

We're big chewers.

I can eat a t-bone
in 2 bites.

Before I go any further,

I need to call my mentor
Dr. Mentorman.

He's got to see this.

[door closes]

All right, Curtis,

we've got to get
out of here.

Are you numb from
the novocaine yet?

Heh heh heh heh!

Numb enough.

I'm going in.

[shouting in caveman]

-Arr!
-Aah!

Ohh!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Where's Curtis?

He had to go potty.

Oh. Well, Dr. Mentorman
will be here in 15 minutes

to supervise the extraction.

Great! Can't wait
to meet him.

Don't make me
tell you again

about playing
with the equipment.

Ohh!

-Ugh!
-[sighs]

Let's roll.

[thud]

Ohh!

Come on!

[bird twittering]

♪ Pollyanna tadpole
Fell down the well, oh ♪

♪ Fell down the well
For some sugarcane ♪

♪ Pollyanna tadpole
Fell down the well, oh ♪

♪ Fell down the well
Looking for daddy-o ♪

Hey, Mr. Tadpole,
I'm glad you're not my Daddy-o.

[all laughing]

Ok, this next song--

because you're
stinking up the place.

[laughter]

Charming little girl.

Ok, this next song...

This next song is called...

Froggy Went A-courtin'.

And it goes a little
something like this.

Hey!

Let's kick this pig
in the rump!

♪ 2, 3, 4 ♪

♪ Froggy went a-courtin'
And he did ride ♪

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Froggy went a-courtin',
And he did ride ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Froggy went a-courtin'
And he did ride ♪

♪ Sword and his p*stol
By his side ♪

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh, yee-hah! ♪

[snoring]

[muttering]

[door opens]

Ohh.

Look at him, Lloyd,
so cute.

I know.
It's been so long

since I've been
a tooth fairy helper.

I'll get the tooth.

I got the cash.

Eh, uh, ehh!

[shouting in caveman]

Curtis, no! No!
He's helping the tooth fairy!

Tooth fairy!

Here!
Here's a dollar!

Here's another dollar!

Here! Take the whole thing.
Ow! My wrist!

Give him back the tooth!

-Ow!
-Ohh!

Ahh!

[speaking caveman]

Ehh!

Let's go.

But it's a lot of money.

Go!

[door closes]

Heh!

[sniffs]

[mumbling in caveman]