02x07 - Phil Without a Future

[bunniefuu]

Ah, Mr. Diffy.

Enter.

Ah!

Closer.

Neh! Back.

Back!

Closer.

Back.

Closer.

Eh!

Now, Philip.

Please, call me Phil.

I can go by Philip.

Yeah.

Mr. Diffy, I have been
given the burden

of organizing
H.G. Wells' career day,

an odious task indeed.

I lied. It's a dream come true.
Heh heh!

Messerschmitt has always felt

that high school is the potter's wheel

on which we can mold the soft clay
of your very souls.

And now that I am
career day's supervisor,

I've been given the kiln
to follow through with the firing

and the glazing
and the intricate designs

that will turn each and every one of you
into the glorious tchotchke

that your parents will be proud to display
when company comes over.

So... you're gonna
turn me into a vase?

Your future is in my hands.

And as career day supervisor,

I must consult with your previous
guidance counselor.

Name?

Philip?

Of your previous school.

Oh...

Mount, um...

Kitty Mug.
Mount Kitty Mug Middle School.

Really. I've never heard
of Mount Kitty Mug.

Really? Go Muggers! Yeow!

We played H.G. Wells
in the regional cat bowl.

Never mind.

I'll call the board of education.

I remember
my guidance counselor's number...

Mr...

Littletree.

Number?

It's 555...



[cell phone rings]

[ring]

Oop! Excuse me!

Sorry!

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Hel...

No-o-o-o!

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now he's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

No-o-o-o!

Phone, please.

Mount Kitty Mug Middle School,
home of the Muggers.

- Hold, please.
- [beep]

I had to make up a junior high I attended
in this century

because Messerschmitt
wanted my school records, so...

So you gave him
my cell phone number,

and now I need to pretend
to be the guidance counselor

- from the school you just made up.
- But aren't I worried

Messerschmitt's gonna
recognize my voice?

- Yes.
- No!

- No?
- No, because I'll be using... this.

Oh, um, Mr. Diffy,

I am on hold with
Guidance Counselor Littletree.

I'm awaiting permission
to say "hello." Join me.

Keely, you have to be Mr. Littletree.

Mister?

How am I supposed to pass
for a male...

[deep voice]
Guidance counselor, uh...

[bleep]

[beep]

[deep voice] Uh... Uh...

Hello?

Mr...

Small... trump.

[whispering] Littletree.

Oh... sorry.

Hello. Mr. Littletree speaking.

Uh, yes. This is Messerschmitt
from H.G. Wells

calling about a former
student of yours...

Diffy, comma, Philip.

Oh! Phil Diffy was one
of my favorite students.

What can I help you with?

Career day is approaching.

I am in charge,

and we can't seem to
find his official school records.

Of course, let me
find those for you.

I keep them right here
in my purse... briefcase.

I have a briefcase
because I'm a man. Heh.

He's looking.

Ah! Uh... here we are.

Our records indicate
that Phil Diffy would excel

at anything he puts his mind to.

All I see here are as, gold stars,

a happy face or two.
Heh heh heh!

Uh, no girlfriend, though.

He was a shy young lad.

Uh, wait a minute,
I see here he did receive one detention.

- Detention?
- Detention?!

Ooh, once during red rover.
He refused to come right over.

Oh, uh, well, I hope
that's all you need.

I'm a very busy woman...

Man...

Girl. Girl-man.

Well, uh, thank you very much
for your time.

You've been most illuminatng,
Mr. Littletree.

Diffy, your former
guidance counselor

seems to think that
you will take to career day.

Like a small child in a candy shop filled
with savory treats.

Hello, Mr. Lollipop. What a tasty
profession you would be, but wait.

There's Mr. Chocolate bear,
saying, "pick me. Pick me.

I, too, will make
a delicious career."

Why do I only have
one mouth to stuff?

Ok, I got it. Career day's tomorrow.
I will be there.

This should help you.

"Hot jobs Of The Future."

[imitates sizzling]

Ah, good morning, Miss Teslow.

[deep voice] Good morning.

Uh-oh.

[laughter]

Look, guys, it is
kind of serious to me,

so if you keep laughing,
I'm not gonna read anymore.

We're sorry, sweetie.

We promise. No more laughing.

Go ahead. Tell us another hot job of the
future. Ha ha ha ha!

[laughing]

Ok, here's one...

"Computer technician."

If you need some
extra cash on the side,

you could always
fix some cell-u-lar telephones.

[laughter]

Yeah!

All right, I know these jobs sound a
little ridiculous to us,

but, in this century, these are the jobs
we have to choose from.

I don't know.
I'm kind of into it.

Who cares about this century?

We're outta here...

[all] Soon as I
fix the time engine.

Well, I'm gonna!

Then when we get back,

we know what Phil wants to do.

We do?

Sure, ya joker.

Yeah. You're gonna come work
with your old man at wizard corp.

Heh heh. Remember
how excited you were

on bring-your-kid-
and/or-robot-to-work day?

Yeah. That's right.

I was the kid
and Pim was the robot.

Mom.

You are not a robot, Pim.

And even if you were,
we'd love you just the same,

but you're not.

Dad, I was 9 when you
took me to work,

and the only reason
I loved it so much

was because I got to sneak into the copy
room and clone my butt.

What about my lectures
on bio-drone engineering?

Yeah, there's just some
great Saturday nights.

Pop quiz: Who invented
the first wizard?

Ricky Singh, 2043.

And what was his famous quote?

"I shall call you future probe...

No... wizard."

That's my boy!

Dad, I'll tell you what,
I'll go to career day,

and if they happen to have a booth
for Wizard Corp.,

I'll be the first to sign up.

Oh, that makes sense,
because only dweebs are first in line.

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

I suggest you power-down Pim.

So, Mr. Diffy, explore, take your time,
have fun, and, by 12 noon,

tell me exactly what you want to do
for the rest of your life.

Huh. Acting.

I could be awesome.

Friends...

Romans...

Countrymen...

[audience] Boo!

Lend me your ears.

- Boo!
- Boo!

[tweet]

A ref?

Pass ruled incomplete.

No touchdown.

[crowd] Boo!

Congressman Phil Diffy.

My fellow Americans, I...

[crowd] Boo!

Oh!

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just
in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd pop in
and check out career day.

Looks like you've
got all your brochures.

Yep.

I don't think so.

What's this?

Oh, I think you missed this one.

[gasp] Oh...

It's Wizard Corp's founder
Ricky Singh.

"I shall call you future probe...

No, wizard."

Dad, I really need to find a career
in this century.

All the present-day jobs
are ridiculous.

Oh, short-order cook.

Think I'm too tall? Ha ha ha!

Mr. Diffy...

See anything in your future?

Popcorn?

The alarm clock
of your career is ticking,

and in 45 minutes,
it will be blaring, "wake up! Wake up!"

Remember, there is no snooze button
for your future.

Alarm clock.

No snooze.

Despicable.

They call this, "career day"?

Everything involves
working for the man.

I don't want to work
for the man.

I want to be the man,

except with a "wo"
in front of it.

You eye-ballin' me,
little miss muffet?

Both my eyeballs... ma'am.

I want to be just like you.

You look a bit young to sign up for a
career as a corrections officer.

Never too young
to walk the walk.

Sounds like you know
how to talk the talk!

Ah, Miss Diffy,
I had a strange feeling

this booth would...
Dare I say it...

Incarcerate your interests.

If you're up for a challenge,
I have always thought

that H.G. Wells could use a little more
discipline, a little more order.

If you'd like an order of discipline,
I'm your waitress.

Phil, Phil, Phil, check it out.

Everything about broadcast journalism
feels so right.

I'm even more convinced
that it's the right path for me.

Have you picked anything you like?

Not even close.

Everybody else seems to know
what they want to do.

Why not me?

Maybe it's because you're
from the future

and that's where your career
is destined to be.

Yeah, you would think, but even then I
don't know what I want to do.

No matter what century
I live in, I don't have a future.

You'll have a future
pumpin' air into chip bags

if you don't get
to class, Diffy.

Move along.

Look at how this reporter

is standing in front of
the burning warehouse.

That's how I stand!

I was born to do this.

That takes care of you.
In my case, however...

You! You pick that up!

Yeah! Pick it up!

You, no loiterin'!

Yeah, no loitering.

You, get to class!

Yeah, get to class. Heh heh heh.

Oh... me.

Ok.

[Phil] Even Pim
has a career all picked out.

Now that's really scary.

Phil, you'll be great
at whatever you decide,

and if you can't decide, no big.

If everyone in the world
was successful,

we wouldn't be able
to tell the winners from the losers.

That... Didn't come out right.

Yeah.

Mr. Diffy!

You left career day empty-handed.

I can't believe
I wasted both a pottery

and a candy store
metaphor on you!

It's as if I threw a delicious filet
mignon to a vegetarian jackal.

"Oh, no," cries Señor Jackal,

"I would much prefer
tasty carrots and leafy gr..."

never mind.

I'm sorry, Mr. Messerschmitt.

I feel like a total failure.

I'm not just saying that
to cheer you up.

Well, thanks for trying anyway.

You're like an acrobat flailing about
the trapeze of...

Mr. Messerschmitt, please.

The clock is ticking away
at my future.

Mmm. Nice metaphor.

What I'm saying is,
you'll take the CPT.

The CPT?

The "career placement test."

Since you cannot choose
a career on your own,

the test will
choose one for you.

The test shall begin
Saturday morn at rooster's first crow.

The school has a rooster?

His name is bell call.

He perches behind
the equipment shack.

Greetings,
my rudderless dinghies.

Because each
and every one of you

failed to chose a career
during career day,

- you will now take...
- [snap]

The career placement test.

[snaps fingers]

Hey, what are you drawing?
It looks kinda familiar.

Oh, nothing.
It's just this idea I have.

It's a new kind of multi-purpose
electronic assistant.

Yes, and a fine example
of a complete waste of time

and lack of focus!

It doesn't take a future probe to spot you
for an underachiever,

Mr. Singh.

Singh.

Singh? Rick Singh?

Yeah.

Ricky Singh.

[gasp] You're Ricky Singh.
Ricky Singh!

You're the Ricky Singh?

Hey, you're scaring me
with the loudness.

Oh!

Wait a minute.

If Ricky Singh,
inventor of the wizard is in here,

then maybe this whole career test thing
isn't for everybody.

This harvest of
multiple-choicey goodness

will show me exactly
what you're suited for.

I myself took the cpt
when I was your age,

and it told me I would become a teacher...
Slash... guidance counselor...

Slash... flamenco instructor.

[flamenco music plays]

[crowd] Ole!

And the test shall begin...

Wait for it!!

[rooster crows]

Now.

I'm not taking this test.

The CPT is an officially
state-sponsored test.

Take it, or suffer
the consequences.

Detention is right
down the hall.

We're just kids. I mean, why do we have to
decide our careers now?

Plenty of people go on
to achieve great things

without knowing what they want to do
at our age.

I know of at least one.

You know what I say?

I say...

Forget this test.

Buhh!

What?

Diffy, you k*lled it.

Who's with me?

Apparently I'm alone.

That's why it's
called "solitary."

Grab some desk, Diffy.

I thought for sure at least Ricky Singh
would come with me.

Arms up!

Come on. You guys gotta know what
I'm talking about.

I mean, what if not deciding

is actually the best decision.

Maybe by not knowing,

you get to try everything.

Open your mouth.

You'll get this back
when you're released.

I mean, look at you.
You haven't tried anything else.

How do you know for sure you want to
be in corrections?

Are you kidding me?

This is my chance
to serve and correct.

Plus, I had to pick something.

It was 10 minutes to 12:00.

[telephone rings]

You get one call.

[ring]

Keely.

Phil, are you ok?

I'm not gonna lie to you.

It's not easy in here,
but I'll tough it out.

Keely, I had to do it.
These career tests are wrong.

Hehh... it's so cold.

I'll knit you a scarf...

With a hall pass inside it.

[knocking]

I gotta go.

I'll wait for you!

[puhhhht!]

Officer Pim,

I love what you've done
to this place.

Ah, Mr. Diffy...

To be a free man

and enjoy the pleasures
that fudge ripple has to offer.

Take the CPT,

and all this can be yours.

Huh? Huh?

[Barbara, on P.A.]
Phil, this is your mother!

Do what they tell you, and they promise
they'll let you go!

Let me try.

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Now batting for Pickford...

Lloyd Diffy! Diffy... ha ha ha.

Mom, Dad, what
are you doing here?

I called them.

Your son refuses to take a test

that will tell him
what to do with the rest of his life.

Is this true, son?

Well, yeah, but there
are a lot of kids

that don't know
what they want to do.

I'm just trying to
stand up for them.

I think it's clear
what Phil wants to be.

A leader!

Poor woman doesn't even know
what she's saying.

I'll escort her out.

A leader typically
has followers,

others who respect
and admire his ideas.

Elder Diffys,
take a look around.

[crickets chirping]

We thought about it...

And you're right.

Oh...

Hang onto this.

It may come in handy one day.

Oh, stop! My tear ducts cannot take any
more of this performance.

Please, escort these students
back to their test.

Start with the delusional
ringleader first.

Officer Pim, that's an order!!

You know, Mr. Messerschmitt,

that delusional ringleader
is my brother,

but that's not important right now.

By giving me an order,
you just became the man.

Mama doesn't work for the man.

Tread lightly, miss Diffy.

In fact, I was thinking
that not deciding what you want to do

is actually the best decision

and in not knowing
that you get to explore everything.

[clap... clap]

- But...
- [applause builds]

I just said that.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Uh, Pim,

is that what Phil said?!

Pim! Pim!

- Pim!
- Pi...

[chanting] Pim! Pim! Pim...

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!

Phil!

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!

Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim!
Pim! Pim! Pim! Pim...

There goes our girl.

Mr. Diffy...

Your sister is a true visionary.

If I were you,
I would take a page from her manual.

Keely?

I'm busting you outta here.

Owen's waiting on the other end

with $10 in unmarked bills
and a fake passport.

From now on,
you're Lord Stuffington,

Duke of Shropshire.

Yeah.

Messerschmitt
suspended my sentence

when he realized I was right.

I'm just havin' some ice cream.

Oh. Then meet me
at the mall at 6:00.

Ok.