02x10 - Maybe-Sitting

[bunniefuu]

Come here, Teslow. Halt!

It's a blitz quiz.
Save yourself.

[beeping]

This is not a test.

I am merely looking for someone

who welcomes the opportunity

to realize a small stake
of lucre, mammon,

wherewithal, boodle.

Do either of you want
to make 10 bucks an hour?

What's the job?

My sister Fatina will
be in town on sunday

to interview for a position

at the Pickford imitation
crab meat plant.

While she demonstrates
her unmatched ability

to paint pink stripes

onto otherwise unidentifiable
chunks of fish,

she will need someone
to babysit her son,

my nephew, Nathan.

I'd love to.
I am so great with kids.

How fortuitous.

Are you available Sunday?

Yes! No. Darn.

Sunday our house
is being tented.

Termites? No.

My uncle's coming to visit.
He's a clown.

If he doesn't feel at home,
he gets pretty angry.

Well, we could do it at my house.

We could babysit together.

Really?

That'd be so cool.

Ooh! It would kind of be like
we were parents

and both staying
home to take care of our kid,

which means neither one of us
is working,

so what the heck happened to my
journalism career?

And how are we gonna
pay the bills?

- I thought you were...
- [clears throat]

All right. I shall bring Nathan
to your doorstep

when Apollo's chariot has traversed

one-quarter of its prescribed arc.



Uhh...

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now he's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ 'Cause something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now he's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

Nathan is going to love this.

We got brainteasers,
puzzles, flashcards, books.

Together they promote
cognitive thought

and spatial awareness.

- That's awesome.
- I know.

Except that it's not.

What's missing? Oh, I know.

Fun.

This is what a kid wants.

Paint, crayons, ooh, puppets,

games, purple clay.

It promotes purple.

Ooh! I need spaghetti
for puppet hair.

What is all this?

Oh, uh, Keely and I
are babysitting.

OK, your mom is
at the Pickford Potato Festival

till about 6:00.
I gotta get to work.

And I gotta tell you,
I don't like the idea

of a present-day kid
running around the house

with all our future
technology here.

Dad, all our future
gadgets are locked up.

Anything too small, too sharp, or too
weird is in the closet.

- Oh.
- How'd you get out?

That's one, Diffy.

Well, I'm glad to see you're taking
this responsibly

and acting like a mature adult.

Oh, purple!

Yes!

All right. We're all set.

We got food, games, books.

If Nathan acts up,

I'll just use the new ager to make
him more mature.

Absolutely not.
Too much of a risk.

I want you to promise
you won't use any future technology

on Mr. Messerschmitt's nephew.

OK. I promise.

You said what now?

You're babysitting a monster-child

that could be nothing
but pure evil?

No. That's taking care of you.

That's 2, Diffy.

[Mr. Diffy] Hang on.

Don't you have a science project
to do, young lady?

The project's not
due till tomorrow.

I'm supposed to create
a model volcano...

"Simulating the subterranean activity

which leads to eruption."

It'll take me 2 seconds
with my wizard.

Uh-uh.

I want you to build
your science project

like all the other kids
in your classroom.

You mean by only using


I mean by only using
present-day technology.

Now promise
you won't use your wizard

on the science project.

Fine, I promise.

I'll be back at 5:00.

Oh, Dad...

Oh, right.

Guten tag.

You have no idea
who I am, do you?

I am Fatina Messerschmitt.

Ha ha ha ha!

I know what you're thinking.

Am I really this tall?

- Oh.
- Yes.

Exactly what I was thinking.

We Messerschmitts tower
like the mighty redwoods.

Spreading its canopy,

providing the perfect
combination of shadow and moisture

that nurtures the furry
forest creatures

yet gently prodding the mushrooms

which will one day be
sliced into someone's 2-for-one pizza.

Nathan!

Oh!

As you can see, we share
another family trait.

Beautiful, dark, wavy hair.

Hi, Nathan. I'm Phil.

And I'm Keely.

Whoa, stairs!

Ha ha ha!

Ah, he tries to act grown-up,

but inside he's just
a little kid.

[Keely] Ooh.

Oh... oh, whoa! Heh heh.

Here you go.

Mr. Diffy, Miss Teslow.

Fatina...

My brother can be so impatient.

Here's my cell number.

Don't worry. He'll be just fine,

and if we have any questions,

we'll call you on your mustache.

Must stash away the cookies so...

So Nathan doesn't
spoil his appetite.

Right. Bye.

- Call me.
- [Keely] OK.

[Phil] Drive safe.
Have fun tonight.

- [Fatina] Uh-huh.
- Okie-dokie.

Ha ha.

Hoo!

[both] Mustache,
mustache, mustache.

Whoo.

How cute is that?

- Nathan...
- Nathan...

Don't you want to throw your bally
down the stairs again?

Yo, Pim, it's your main man Dan.

Your number one fan.

Uh, hey, little "D."

What are you doing here?

Had to get some air
and thought I'd breathe

the sweet perfume that is Pim.

Worked on Mr. Messerschmitt's
science project

all weekend.
How's your volcano coming?

Oh, just dandy.

The whole class is
working like crazy.

They're ripping their hair out

trying to make these volcanoes.

Interesting.

I bet if someone could pop out

a few dozen of these volcanoes,

she... or he...

Would clean up.

Kids would pay her... or him...

Through the nose.

And that would make Pim...

Or somebody else...

Very, very happy.

OK. 5 minus 3 is...

[Phil] Oh! Ow!

[clears throat] It's 2.

If you don't mind,
we're gonna skip 48 plus 12, OK?

Maybe we should take
a break from school and have a snack.

I have special sandwiches

for a special little boy.
Ruff ruff!

Peanut butter and jelly.
How delightful.

Thank you.

Oh, let me get you a napkin.

[gasps]

[snickering]

Ahh.

Ahem.

Look at that.

Looks like you made
a peanut butter and Keely sandwich.

Don't encourage him.

OK. You obviously
need to do something with your hands.

How about some modeling Clay?

Good. How about
we make a snowman?

Ooh, great idea.

Bet I can make this
stick to the wall.

Hey, no!

[glass shattering]

Oops. Let me try again.

- No!
- No!

[electronic beeping]

Promise you won't use the wizard

on your science project.

Fine.

I promise.

You done remembering?
'Cause I got things to do.

I promised I wouldn't use it
to make my project.

I never said anything
about using it

to make projects
for other people.

Pim, who are you talking to?

Myself.

A lot of geniuses do it.

Where is he?

Oh, I thought you had him.

I thought you had him.

Do you think he's outside?

[door shuts]

No.

No, no.

No!

Bull's eye.

We've got to do something.

[breathing heavily]

The new ager.

But that just makes
him look older.

No. Not if you push this button.

If I do, it'll just age him
on the inside.

It'll make him act older.

Do it. Do it now.

But I can't.

Why?

Ahem. Sorry.

I want you to promise
you won't use any future technology

on Messerschmitt's nephew.

OK, promise.

- I promised my dad I wouldn't.
- Ahh.

- You're it!
- Uhh!

Ooh.

Although, if you do it,

then technically
I'm not breaking any rules.

I'll distract him, you zap him.

Got it.

Breaky breaky, Nathan.

How many pieces do you think this'll
break into, huh?

I bet it's really expensive.

[zapping]

It's broken.
Nothing's happening.

You're not gonna see
any difference on the outside.

You're aging his behavior,
not his appearance.

Nathan, are you OK?

[manly voice] OK? Honey, I'm worried
about my cholesterol.

The neighborhood's gone to putt,

but you take it
one day at a time.

You zapped him so
much you made him an old man.

Hey. Hey, get back here.

Hey, you're not going anywhere.

OK, be careful.

Keely, hit the reverse button.
Age him back down.

Nice carpet. Is this wool blend?

[zapping]

Ooh.

Nathan?

Hey, toothpick,
why don't you put down that gizmo

and boil me a chicken?

Phil?

[giggling]

[gasps]

[young boy's voice] You're pretty.
I like you.

[gasps] Gimme!

Gimme.

Oh, my.

Whoa.

Phil, give me the new ager.

- [zapping]
- Whoa.

Phil Diffy, you give that to me
right now!

Oh! [Gasps]

Aah! Oh, you are
in so much trouble.

Stop it!

Uh-oh.

No more battery.

What do you mean
there's no more battery?

Phil, I've got an 8-year-old
acting like he's 80

and my best friend
who's supposed to be a teenager

acting like he's 5.

What are we gonna do now, huh?

Play hide-and-seek.

[telephone ringing]

Diffy residence.

[Man, on phone]
Hi, Keely, it's Lloyd.

Hi, Mr. Diffy.

How's Messerschmitt's nephew doing?

Oh, uh, Nathan's fine.

Fine? There's not one thing in here
that won't give me gas,

Whee!

Was that Phil?

Um, oh... oh, yeah.

Babysitting's really
brought out the kid in him. Ha.

I just wanted you guys to know

that we'll be knocking off
early here today,

so I should be home
in about 15 minutes.



[sputtering]

[hissing]

Was that me?

Uhh.

- Phil!
- Boo!

Aah!

Phil, it's your dad,

and if you don't
straighten up, mister,

I'm going to tell him
you're being a very naughty boy.

Hi, Daddy.

Do you need me
to bring home anything?

Uh, toys, some ice cream,

and a happy puppy, OK? Bye.

Ha. Phil just thought
it would be nice

to bring home something for little Nathan.
Ha ha ha.

How about some extra lean
pastrami, honey,

and some socks that work?

OK, gotta go. Bye.

[dial tone]

Phil, we've got 15 minutes!

You've thought about buying
pre-made volcanoes,

but can you really
trust the quality?

And then there's the price.

Ouch.

That's why I'm introducing
a complete line

of fully functioning,
high-quality Pim-canoes.

Observe in 3... 2... 1.

Well, well, well.

Looks like somebody
wandered away

from the Pickford snob district.

Can it, street merchant.

I need a volcano.

If I don't pass science,

I won't be allowed
to go to fashion model camp

this summer on Lake Fancypants.

And by camp I mean 4-star hotel.

So how much for this one?

Mount Etna is a good
starter volcano.

It guarantees a "B"
from Messerschmitt.

I need an "A."

Then you're gonna
have to take a step up to Pinatubo.

A-plus material,
and all you have to do

is clean my locker
once a week for a semester.

I don't even clean
my own locker.

My girl does it
on Thursdays. Huh.

You will be back.

Boo!

Phil Diffy.

Hi! How are things
in the 10th grade?

You're pretty. I like you.

Uh, want to go on the swing?

- Me? Are you kidding?
- Sure.

[cell phone speed dialing]

Phil Diffy of the 10th grade just asked me
to hang out with him on a swing.

Spread it. I want level one coverage.

Me first!

[gasps]

[Phil] Push me!

Aah!

[Pim] Exactly what you're looking for.
Guarantees a "B."

And if you get this one right now,

- I will throw in...
- Pim!

I'm conducting business
here, blondie.

I have to talk to you.

Either you're buying a volcano,

or you're wasting my time.

I have a huge problem.

I like what I'm hearing.

Higher!

Can it be my turn now?

[laughs]

It isn't funny.

[Phil] Whee!

Oh, yeah!

Whee!

OK. It's a little funny.

You've gotta do something.

Your dad will be home
in 10 minutes,

and I can't change him back,

because the batteries ran out.

I have an extra battery.

Oh, thank goodness!

I'm not gonna give it to you, though.

Why not?

Because this is an opportunity

for my perfect brother
to get in the most trouble

he's ever been in his life.

I'd hate myself
if I stood in the way of that.

Hey, sweetheart,
you got a plunger?

Oh.

[Phil] Whee!

Oh, yeah!

Could this get any getter?

- [brakes screech]
- [car horn honks]

Oh, yeah!

Your dad's not supposed
to be home until...

[gasps]

Messerschmitt!

Messerschmitt!

Messerschmitt!

Messer... mess... what she said!

Close the garage door!

Aah!

Close it!

I can't! I can't!

What is going on here,
Miss Diffy?

Um...

You, Mr. Dawkins?

Uh...

Hold it right there, Miss Scobel.

Well, you see, Pim, Little Danny,
and Candida

were working together to make the best
possible projects for your class.

That's right!

Mine's done.

Good-bye.

What is all this?

Well, you see, they wanted an
inspiring workspace,

and you know Pim!

When she does something,
she goes whole hog!

On a schedule, Miss Teslow.

You know, Nathan is
having so much fun.

Why don't you come back
in a couple of hours or days?

Fatina is already on her way
into the house.

You owe me.

We're even.

Oochie, coochie, woochie!

Oh, no. I hit her.

Nathan, honey, time to wake up.

Mommy, I had a strange dream.

Not unlike the mailman
whose letters have no stamps

and yet must be delivered,

"postage due,"
cried the angry addressees!

I'll work on it.

Well, it was a really,
really good attempt.

Come on. Let's go.

Mommy is late for
her beauty appointment.

Oh, Kelly, dollface,
as one girl to another,

see anything you'd change?
Be brutal.

Maybe... some...

Highlights.

Hmm. You may be onto something.

Danke.

[sighs]

One problem solved.

And I've still got


[car horn honking]

Phil!

Oh, hey there, kee.

- Phil's fine.
- No, how did it go...

- Oh, fine. Just fine.
- Did...

- Yeah.
- What?

- I don't know.
- Where's Phil?

Phil?

You know, about this
tall, dark hair,

cute as a button like his dad.

Oh, Phil! Right!

Haven't seen him.

♪ Dun dun dun dun ♪

I'm Phil of the future!

Phil, are you 5?

Nope.

Really? Because you look pretty 5.

Tell me if you think this is funny.
Knock knock.

Who's there?

- Boo.
- Boo who?

Stop cryin' and I'll tell ya.

That's it! You are 5.
Aw. Let me smell your breath.

[exhales]

Aha! Sugar cookies.
Sugar cookies.

Dad.

Keely made them for Nathan.

Um... they're delicious.

For a second there,
I thought someone had an accident

with the new ager.

No. I said I wouldn't
use it, and I didn't.

That's my boy.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, Dad.

What?

Don't be proud of me.

We did use the new ager.

We couldn't handle Nathan.
I figured if Keely used it

then technically
I wasn't breaking any rules.

I'm sorry.

Me, too, Mr. Diffy.

Even though I never really...
No, me, too.

Well, Phil, I'm not
gonna ground you

but let just say technically,

you're not leaving
the house for a week.

Oh, it's always so disappointing

when the good ones go bad.

Yes, it is. Now, did you finish your
science project, young lady?

Yep.

Without the wizard?

Yep.

You swear?

I swear I did not use the wizard
to make my science project.

[old woman's voice]
Ah, who am I kiddin'?

We all know this old broad
tried to pull a fast one.

But I was a kid then.

Oh... the things I did.
Don't worry.

I'll punish myself.

You look thin.
I'll make you a brisket.

Dad, mom's not gonna be home
for another 3 hours.

Just let her make the brisket.

Good point.

I'm stayin' for dinner.

Ahem. Ahem, ahem.

I stand in your doorway
like a pile of lonely junk mail

waiting for the vacationing family

to return from their...

Oh, drat. I thought
I had it that time.

No, man, you're almost there.

To return from their
overpriced resort hotel

dragging their stolen
towels and little soaps

and other sundry items
behind them. "Oh, look!"

Cries father. "A sale on tires!

Now my weekend is booked solid."

See how easy it is?

I thank you.

Any time.

[glass shatters]