02x20 - Where's the Wizard?

[bunniefuu]

My book report on The Last of the
Mohicans...I can't find it.

It's due next period.

I have mine.

What am I gonna do?

I know... I'll just write another one.

In 3 minutes?

Quick... what do you know
about the mohicans?

Not all of them... just the last ones.

What am I talking about? I have a backup
on my wizard.

Uh-oh.

Now what?

I can't find my wizard.

Did you leave it at home?

No. I used it in the boys' bathroom

to remove a girl's
phone number off the wall.

Ooh. Whose number?

[cell phone rings]

Don't answer that. I must have left it
in the bathroom.

No! I had it in math.
That's it! I left it in...

No. I used it in P.E.!

Phil, you have to be more careful!

The wizard is advanced


If it falls into the wrong hands,

it could be really dangerous!

See? I listen.

I have to find the wizard
before somebody else does.

[soft clicking]

[louder clicking]

[loud clicking]

[bzz bzz bzz bzz]

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ 'Cause something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ so now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

We've searched everywhere I've been today.
The wizard is gone!

Wait! There it is!

[beeping]

Ha!

Sorry.

By the way, when the aliens
do invade earth,

collecting gold coins ain't gonna help.

Found ya!

Burrito police.

Routine spot inspection. Uh...

You're free to go.

[boy] Freak.

- [beeping]
- [gasps]

Phil, you can't just go around grabbing
people's burritos.

There's gotta be a better
way to find the wizard.

Wait a minute.

There is one way. It's dangerous, but...

I'm afraid I have no choice.

What do ya got for me today, Lil D?

I think you're gonna like the little
danish I brought home for mama.

Feels a little light.

You holding out on me, Dawkins?

What do you have in your pocket?

Nothing you'd be interested in.

I believe that's for me to decide.

[sighs]

What the... huh?

Must be some kinda new handheld.

Yeah. Handheld. Gimme!

Hey, our business
agreement clearly states...

The finder... that's me...

Gets to keep one item!

Of... Pim's choosing.

Where does it say that?

Right here.

Dang, you're official!

And here's your item.

Pim, I need to use your wizard.

Why on earth would you
need to use my wizard

when you have one of your very own?

[Phil] Well, I, uh...

[Keely] He left it at home.
Right.

[Pim] Really? Let's check in
with mom and dad

and have them look for it.

No! Don't do that! I...

I lost it, ok?

[gasps] Say it isn't so.

I found it, and she gets to keep it?

I don't think so.

But I can't stop lovin' her.

I need to use the wizjack on your wizard
to track mine down.

Well, I need a small alligator,
a measuring cup,

and Hackett's locker combo,

but you don't see me bothering you.

Come on, Pim, he's
your own flesh and blood.

How dare you?

- What if I told you I knew where it was?
- Thank you.

And it's available for a reasonable price.

Why do I think that reasonable

means something different
to you than it does to me?

Well, for starters,
I want your allowance for the month.

Done!

Helping.

And I want yours, too.

Done.

Helping.

Heh. Fine.

Now, where is it?

Unlike you, I can keep track
of important... eh...

Yeah, it's gone.

I can see it right there.

This is mine, Dill man.

Lil Danny found yours,
and I made him give it back,

but the little weasel must've stolen it!

I'm furious!

And yet...

A little proud.

Where's Lil Danny now?

Who knows? He's on a gum-chewing break.

And it looks like he's
takin' the full minute.

I can't believe you let Lil Danny
steal my wizard.

You're the one who lost it
in the first place!

Just give me your wizard
so I can track mine down.

[beep beep]

Ok, it's tracking.

Boy, for all your schmancy technology,

you guys sure lose stuff a lot.

Just sayin'.

[speaking Spanish]

I'm picking up the other wizard,

but the direction isn't clear.

It's telling me to go right, but it's also
telling me to go left?

Something's jamming the signal.

Look! It's probably all
the metal lunch trays.

Are you kidding? No alloy known to man can
stop the signal of a wizard.

No. It's the lunch cart.
You know what that means.

[both] Pudding.

Pudding?

Pudding is the only substance that can
actually block a wizard's signal.

We can send Space Star to Kreebolok 7,

but we're defenseless against pudding.

- [beeping]
- The signal's moving again.

Let's make it happen.

Hola!

Hola!

Good morning, Lil Mr. Dawkins.

I'm sorry. I don't speak the español.

It's right nearby.

Getting closer.

It's always scary.

Oh, suck it up!

Gotta find Lil Danny before he finds out
what the wizard can do.

So dark in here,

so...

Dark.

[beep]

Just a sec.

That's better.

- [beep]
- This way.

Oh.

Getting warmer.

Getting warmer.

Getting warmer.

[wizard alarm sounds]

And we're toast.

[sighs] The teacher's lounge?

Are you sure your wizard's in there?

That's what this one says.

Why would Lil Danny be
in the teacher's lounge?

Hola, amigos. ¿Que pasa?

If Lil Danny's over there...

Then who's in here with the wizard?

Vice Principal Hackett! You have...
[gasps]

a little something I confiscated from
Señor Dawkinsito.

I've told you students a hundred times:

No amusing gizmology in school.

This is mine now.

Until the end of the school year,

this will be in a little boutique
I call lost and found.

We are in so much trouble.

"We"?

Hey, I helped you find your wizard.

Contractually, my work here is done.

You'll both be receiving an invoice
for your allowances

on Monday.

Pim, if Hackett figures out what he's got,

the entire family's busted.

We have to get my wizard back.

There's that "we" again.

Pim.

All right, all right.

The time I spend gettin' you kids
out of trouble.

Come on.

Nifty little item,
but what do you do, hmm?

Are you a videogame, pictophone?

Well, one thing's for sure:
You are contraband.

You do not leave this desk

until the end of the school year, mister.

Ahem.

[humming]

[stops humming]

[humming]

Oh!

I guess it's time for another pencil.

Hello.

You're not a pencil, are you?

No!

You stay right there.

You keep turning up
like a bad penny, don't ya?

I suppose it wouldn't hurt
just to see what makes you tick.

[beep]

Hello, Dolly.

What do we do now?

We go in.

Ok, seriously, let me explain to you

the proper usage of the pronoun "we."

- Fine. Then you go in.
- No. You go in.

- No. You go.
- No. You go in.

- No. You go...
- [whistles]

Guys, somebody's gotta get in there

before hackett figures out how
to work the wizard.

That's never gonna happen.

Hmm.

[whinnies]

Horse clown.

Horse clown?!

Aah!

[thud]

All right, I'm goin' in.

I'm comin' with you.

We're in this together.

Have fun.

[knocks]

Aww!

Oh.

Mr. Hackett?

Did you just see a pony?

- Nope.
- Nope.

I could've sworn I just saw a pony

in a punchinello hat.

Oh, that pony. Actually, I think

he wandered out of
the Pickford Pony District.

It was my lead story in the morning news.

Eh.

Ixnay the onypay.

[bzzzt]

Remember that handheld electronic thing
you found today,

you know, the one that's completely based
on today's technology?

Funny story. [Laughs]

It's, uh, I think it's mine.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

Can you describe it?

Oh, well, it's, uh...

If we could just poke around
in the lost and found...

You can't just poke around
in the lost and found.

Otherwise it'd be called the lost

and I'll-just-poke-around-
and-find-myself-a-nice-gift.

Nope! There it is.

Very interesting.

Why is it I'm not surprised

that this otherworldly device

has led me straight to Phil Diffy?

"Otherworldly"? It's not otherworldly.
It's completely this worldly.

Just a regular, run-of-the-mill,
ordinary... Calculator.

Do you mind?

Hmm.





Oh. What's this one do?

No. Don't... gah!

Oh, hey, Phil. You called?

Wow, where are you?

This place is a dump.

Sweet melon ba*ls!

Cold crab c*ck!

[gasping] Puhh pahh! Hehh!

Puh puh-puh puh-puh!

This is no ordinary calculator.

It, uh... it, uh...

Comes equipped with a man
who tells me stuff.

Actually, a videogame attachment,

heh?

Woka-woka woka-woka-woka-woka.

Woka-woka woka-woka-woka-woka.

Woka-woka woka-woka-woka-woka.

Woka-woka woka-woka-woka-woka.

Nice save, sparkles.

- What's that?
- ¿Que?

Ay yi yi!

[speaking English]

And I didn't see it in English.

Hey! I speak English again!

Good morning. How are you?

Where is the train station?

The fire engine is red.

[Lloyd] Woka-woka...

Never in all my years
of mid-level administratoring

have I seen such obvious fibbing.

This is no videogame.

Oh! Ka-pow pow. Ka-pow pow.

Oh, look! Game's started.

It's in attack mode. Kah! Kah!

Quick! Hit the shield responder.

[chuckles]

See?

Finally I have evidence
of your alien-ness...

Ness.

But i... I can explain.

Out, Phil Diffy!

Pack your bags or your egg sacs

or whatever it is you creatures pack.

Your days on this
friendly blue planet are numbered.

Would somebody like to tell me

how the wizard got into the hands
of the worst possible person

to get it into the hands of?

Pim?

Not this time, daddy-poo.

Aha!

It's all clear now.

You worm your way into our inner circle

with your perky smile
and your trendy little outfits.

Slowly but surely
you gain our family's trust,

and then without warning,
you turn against us.

But i...

No, dad.

Phil?

You jeopardized our whole family.

How could you let this happen?

I don't know, but I promise I'm gonna
get the wizard back.

It's too late now. We have to look
for a place to hide.

What about the Pickford
witness protection district?

Oh, please. Everyone knows where that is.

Guys, we don't need to hide.

There's got to be a way to get the wizard
back from Hackett.

I got nothing.

Ok, once again, Pim will save the day.

Here's what we're doing.

First we wait till Hackett's asleep.

Then we sneak in through an open window,

steal back the wizard, ransack the place a
little, and then sneak out.

Pim, that whole plan's ridiculous.

And just in case he wakes up,

we dress ourselves up as aliens.

Except for the part
where we dress up as aliens.

Ah!

I believe a call to a little agency known
as the U.S. Government

should set the record straight.

Roswell, daddy's about
to become an American hero.

[telephone rings]

[man] Hello. You've
reached the government.

For income tax inquiries, press "1."

To get the names of your local
representatives, press "2."

To report your neighbors
as aliens, press "3."

Please hold.

There are 487 patriotic Americans

ahead of you.

[music playing]

Roswell?

[woof]

[gasps]

Yes!

Ooh!

Looks like someone just dropped
a whole bag of beautiful.

[whooshing]

Aliens!

If they're looking for
the perfect human specimen,

they've come to the right place.

I'm ready! Take me! Take me away!

We have come for the astrolater.

The astrowhater?

The device you have taken
from Phil Diffy.

So the Diffys are aliens.

No. The astrolater belongs to us.

Then why did Phil diffy have it?

We wanted to see how
the Earthlings would react

with a space-age technology.

So we gave it to the Diffys,

a typical American family.

Did you hear that?

A typical American family.

Helping.

So the Diffys are alien accomplices.

No. They actually didn't
know we left it with them.

Otherwise, our experiment would be...

Uh...

Tainted.

Compromised.

Corrupted.

- Corrupted.
- Thank you, earthling.

The Diffys don't know
the origin of this device,

so you must never
tell them or anyone else.

[Pim] And Pim Diffy is excused from P.E.

Or else!

So return the astrolater to us.

No.

The thingy's mine.

Now I have absolute power.

Ready.

Uh...

You know, I really... here you go.

Thank you.

Sure.

Now return to your house,

close your curtains, and count to 1,000.

Right. Ok.

Wait. Is that close the curtains
and then count

or count and then...

Now.



[whoosh]

At least I still have my El Machismo.

[gasps]

Ahhhhhh!



[man] Your ufo sighting is very important
to us. Please continue to hold.

[woman] UFOs. This is Pam. How
may I help you today?

Help! I just had an alien encounter
in my neighbor's backyard.

Calm yourself, sir. Please start
from the beginning.

We want to hear everything.

Thank you. You don't know
what this means to me.

I have been through the alien wringer.

[Lloyd] I don't hear counting.

Got to go.





Aah! 74, 75,



[gasps] Oh, no.

What?

My wizard's not in my backpack.

Phil, are you kidding me?

After all we just went through?

I don't know how this could
happen... Again.

Maybe it's in the gym.

Didn't you say you used it to light the
way to that medicine ball?

Yes. Yeah. Good call.

Yes.

Nope.

It's probably at home.

You went back to get the science
experiment you forgot. Yeah.

Excellent memory. Excellent.

It's not at home. I checked everywhere.

Hmm.

I am dead meat if I lose it again.

Let's think about this.

We did go off campus for lunch. Mm-hmm.

Morocco. Thank you.
What would I do without you?

[humming]

Did you find it?

Where is it?

Oh, it's someplace.

I'm giving you zits from head to toe.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yeah. Great big zits.

Aah!

Stop!