04x07 - Smush

[bunniefuu]

See, see, see, look, this the part

where he tear off the hair
of Chuck Norris' chest.

- The best part...
- I see...

- Pay attention.
- I see it.

No, 'cause you on your phone.

I saw. That guy kicked that guy.

That guy is Bruce Lee.

He revolutionized karate
flicks, man. Check it out.

Where are the dragons?
I thought there'd be dragons.

Ain't no dragons. It's just a metaphor.

Josh, could you watch this
movie with me before I k*ll our son?

We got a bigger problem than
Shahzad's horrible taste in movies.

I just found this strange hat
in our daughter's room,

and I know it doesn't belong
to anyone who lives here.

That's where my hat went.

- Oh, it's yours?
- Yeah.

Oh. Huh.

What? It's how we rock 'em now.

Nice try.

You've offended me and my family.

[PERSON YELLS, WHIP CRACKS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

- Heads up.
- Can you knock?

- My bad. [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- [SIGHS]

The dads know about you
and your secret boyfriend.

- Why did you tell them?
- I didn't.

Dad found his hat in your bedroom.

Just come clean.

No, I'm not talking
to them about dating.

They're so cringe.

If I need advice, I'll just call Mom.

Yeah, you're [BLEEP] with that strategy.

[SIGHS]

♪

Good morning.

Hey. Good morning, Ma.

Oh, is that for me?

Yeah, I made you some eggs and coffee.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

Wow. How nice.

You must want something.

I need some advice
on how to talk to Amira

about the birds and the bees.

I don't want you to be no
great-grandmother no time soon.

Well, the Bible says
fornication is a sin.

But nobody don't read no Bible.

So my advice to you is shut
your mouth and say nothing.

Ma, come on, now,
you know I can't do that.

That's my daughter.

Well, then do it your way,

but the more you tell her
not to have sex,

the more she's gonna want to.

That's why preachers' kids
are the freakiest ones in the church.

- Damn.
- Mm-hmm.

I should've went to church more.

♪

Okay, so remember
to speak in general terms.

We're just two dads talking
to their two kids about sex.

Yeah, but why both kids, man?
Shahzad ain't the one hiding hats.

No, no, no,
we got to talk to both of them

so it seems natural
and we're not focused on Amira.

Dig, man. That do sound
like a good idea, hot shot.

- You be reading them parenting books, right?
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Hey, Look who it is...

Amira! Hi.

- Come on in. Sit down.
- Come on.

What's going on?

Did something happen to Mom or Grandma?

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no. That's not...

- Sit down.
- That is not what we're...

- We just want to sit down and talk.
- Take a seat. Relax. Relax.

Ain't nothing bad happening.
We just want to talk.

- Carrot, if you want.
- Hey, where's Shahzad?

- He had to stay after school.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, the basketball team
made the playoffs, so he's at practice.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, Shahzad, you have a second?

Hi, Rain.

Um, how many girlfriends have you had?

Uh...

just one, but I don't really know
if you can call her a girlfriend.

She wouldn't tell me her middle name.

Could you remove...

Oh.

- Sorry.
- Thanks.

Yeah, it was just a fling.

We were only together
for about a couple weeks.

So you guys hooked up?

I mean, I wouldn't
necessarily say we hooked up.

Third base?

Second? First?

At any point,
were you ever on the field?

We definitely made out.
Why are you asking me this?

I'm trying to prove my hypothesis.

- [SCOFFS] Which is?
- That you never been inside a woman.

Kiss me.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] What?

Just do it, Shahzad.

- Perfect.
- Wow, really?

Yeah, now I know for
sure that you're a virgin.

Don't act so sad about it. I'm one, too.

But I want to get sex out of the
way before I leave for college.

You're the perfect
candidate to do it with.

I know you'll be gentle and discreet.

[SCOFFS] Wait.

You want to have sex with me right now?

Not now. We have practice.

But, yeah, I want to have sex.
That's the important part.

Are you interested or not?

Yes, absolutely. 100%, I'm in.

Well, I'm not in yet.

Calm down, Shahzad. It's just sex.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

♪

- This weekend.
- Got ya.

[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC]

Whoo!

I'm gonna have sex.

♪

- So?
- Uh, we just wanted to have

a little check-in.

About?

You know, relationships and stuff.

You know, you're young.
You might have a lot of questions

about relationships and stuff.

So this is you guys
trying to give me the sex talk.

No, hold up. Don't be saying
the word "sex" like that.

Mom already gave me the talk, remember?

You skipped it because you said
the diagrams were too scary.

They were very graphic.

Hmm, speak for yourself.

Those graphics did the job
when you in the pen.

I don't want to hear any of this.

- No, no, no.
- No, no, wait, wait, wait.

- Amira. Amira.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Listen to me.

You'll end up in a situation
where you'll meet a boy.

Mm, maybe he likes to wear
Yankee fitted caps and...

- Or... yeah.
- We just want you to know

we here if you need somebody
to rat to, talk to, you know?

Actually, um, I do have some questions.

- All right. Here we are.
- That's what we were looking for.

- We got a few answers.
- Yeah, let 'em rip.

- Come on.
- Let's rip, let's chat.

Okay, so I was wondering, um...

They call it a "blow job," you know?

But where do you blow?
Is it the little tiny hole?

Like an oboe?

Also, if you swallow,
do you become pregnant?

No answer?

Also, I read a great "Teen Vogue"
article on prostate stimulation.

Okay, well,
I'll send you guys the article,

and you can tell me your thoughts.

Thanks so much, okay.

Bye.

♪

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, my God, she sent the article.

- Do you know about this?
- Don't say nothing!

Wait. What is milking?

No, just leave this right here.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Hey, did you get everything
on the list I sent you?

All I got... Forget that list.
All I got is binoculars.

Excuse me, you dropped something.

A conversation. Can I pick up on it?

What about the disguises and the rope?

No, listen, we agreed to follow Amira

to see who she's meeting, and that's it.

Yeah, well, if he gets
handsy, I got a stun g*n.

See, you getting overzealous with it.

Stun g*n? Really, Josh? Come on, man.

This was supposed to be
just an intel mission, man,

- nothing else.
- Oh wait, hold on.

[DOOR CLOSES] She's coming.

- Oh. Bye, Dad.
- All right, bye.

- Hey, where you going?
- Out.

- With who?
- A friend.

Love you. Bye.

- Love you.
- [DOOR OPENS]

It's go time.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

♪

Amira's on the move.
I repeat, on the move.

♪

Yeah, I see. I see her.
She's walking fast.

- Where are you, though?
- I'm right here.

- Jesus Christ, man.
- I'm right here.

- Put your phone...
- I don't... why am I talking...

I got my phone away. Let's follow.

- Can we go? Are you ready?
- Yeah.

♪

She said she was going to meet a friend,
but she didn't say who.

- Did you ask her who?
- Oh, I'm not gonna do that.

That's a violation of her privacy.

No, this is violation of her privacy.

- Hi.
- What's up?

Javi?

♪

They just might be talking
about some tutoring stuff.

♪

Yeah, yeah,
if he needs help in kissing class.

♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You know how Dominicans are.

♪

Dominicans are very loving people.

You know how the French do
the two kisses on the cheeks?

Where you think they got that from?

- Dominicans.
- She lied to me.

It makes me wonder, what else
is she lying about, you know?

We should follow them
and see where they go next.

Josh, I'm gonna ask you something.

- What?
- What has gotten into you?

Maybe we should just trust
in my mother's advice

and say nothing, okay?

Be like Bruce Lee. Be like water.

Not like Jim Kelly.

You come straight out
of a comic book, Mr. Han-man.

Okay, all right, let's go home.

- Let's go on home, man.
- Let's go home.

- Let's go home.
- Let's go.

They all right. Let's...
You know what, Josh? God damn it.

♪

Hey, how you doing?

Um, I'd like to have a room,
please... king-size bed.

- How long?
- Cal King.

I heard it's longer.

No. How long do you want the room for?



- One hour.
- Mm.

Look at you.

- Here you go.
- Uh-uh. Cash only.

- Who carries cash anymore?
- They do.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Come on, son, I'm on my lunch break.

I got 35 minutes on my meter.

[SCOFFS]

Think we lost them?

They're still following us.

♪

Whatchu wanna do?

[LAUGHS]

You know what would really
make their heads explode?

- We're going in here.
- You're crazy.

♪

Let's check it out.

♪

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Three Xs.

This is a sex shop.
Now we got to do something.

I thought Roberta said to say nothing.

Yeah, she said, "Say nothing."

She ain't say nothing about,
"Don't do nothing."

- What is that?
- I don't know what that is.

Look like a fist.
I don't know what it is.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪

This is not the kind
of father that I wanted to be...

Hiding behind a vibrating horse,

watching my daughter
browse in a sex shop.

You watch your mouth.
Do you understand me?

Don't you ever mention vibrate

while our daughter
is browsing a sex shop, never.

What happened to our sweet little girl?

Something really changed,
like, three years ago.

So what you trying to say...
Amira's wilin' out because of me?

No, no. I mean, just Shay
and I, we worked really hard

to set boundaries for her,
and you come into her life,

and you let her think she can
get away with anything.

That's just another fancy way
of saying it's my fault, okay?

Maybe you didn't raise her right.

Okay, I've seen "Caligula,"

and everybody on that
ship daddy was white.

If you two aren't gonna ride the horsey,

would you please move
away from my store?

- Sorry about that.
- You're creeping people out.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

Sorry.

I think we can both agree

we haven't always been
the best role models.

Well, I will admit, you know,

I wasn't no angel when I was her age.

I spent a lot of time in stairwells.

Really? I was always
under the bleachers.

It's like the white man's stairwell.

Well, no wonder she got daddy issues.

Most people got one bad daddy.
She got two.

Oh, no, here they come.
Go, go, go, go...

Oh, my God.

They are so lame.

Are they just gonna
follow us around all day,

or are they gonna make a move?

I mean, it's kind of cool.

It's like we're in a spy
movie or something.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [HORSE NEIGHING]

I know how to end this.

Come on.

♪

At least we're trying.
I mean, this sh*t is hard.

I wish Shay was here to help.

Shay was just like Amira
when she was young, man.

Had that little rebellious stage,

but thank God everything worked out.

Wait, if Shay was just like Amira,

that makes you Javi.

sh*t, you right.

They just went in the pharmacy.

We got to stop them now. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Are you sure this is cool?

Oliver's parents are
in Dubai or Hong Kong.

Trust me, it's gonna be okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Welcome to The Smush House, guys.

It's $15 for her,
$30 for you, cash only.

No Venmo?

Do I look like a
congressman from Florida?

Ugh, fine.

All right, have fun smushin',
you crazy kids.

- You had cash this whole time?
- Yep.

[SMOOTH HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Excuse me, ma'am, do you guys

have ultra-ribbed magnum
Consent-ex condoms, please?

Let me check. Do we have
Consent-ex condoms back there?

Y'all getting rubbers?

It's Taser time.

- [TASER DISCHARGES]
- [GRUNTS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[TASER CLICKING]

[GRUNTING]

♪

I told you not to bring that thing.

[GROANS]

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Well, I hope you proud
of yourself, Amira.

Your little jokes and antics
could've got this man hurt.

You followed us.

Yeah, that's why
we were messing with y'all.

Hey, if you were truthful
about who you were meeting,

none of this would have ever happened.

I was truthful. Javi is my friend.

Mm-mm. That's a lie of omission.

Tray's my friend, but I don't kiss him.

Go to sex shops or buy condoms.

- Javi's more than a friend.
- Can you guys stop treating me like a baby?

To me, you are my baby, okay?

I just found out about you
three years ago.

So, to me, in my mind,
that makes you three.

I'm not three.

I'm 17, and I'm about to go to college.

Amira, I know you 17,

but I just got here.

I feel like you leaving
the nest already.

That's all.

Listen, everything's gonna be okay.

Look, I have two
great dads who taught me

to never let me blow up my life.

Come here.

Hey, that's what I like to see.

♪

- Nuh-uh.
- I got it.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

- What, you got to pee?
- No.

The Taser make you feel that way.

No, it's worse. I can't find my phone.

Oh, I got you, Dad.

Here, let me check your location.

Upper East Side?
What's my phone doing up there?

That's not your phone.

That's Shahzad.
Your phone's in the pharmacy.

I did not know Shahzad kicked
it on the Upper East Side.

That's because he doesn't.

The only thing that's up
there is The Smush House.

What the hell is a smush house?

It's dope... that's where people

in Amira's school
go to take drugs and have sex.

Oh.

We've never been. I've just heard.

We got to go up there right now.

Are you about to do to
Shahzad what you just did to me?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

Awesome. [LAUGHS]

I'll call an Uber.
We'll get there so much faster.

♪ Once upon a time,
and I heard that I was ugly ♪

♪ Came from a b*tch
who n*gga wanna f*ck on me ♪

♪ I said my face b*mb, a*s tight ♪

♪ Racks stack up Shaq height ♪

♪ Jewelry on me, flashlight ♪

Man, I've seen crack houses

with more supervision than this.

Yeah. I can't believe
that kid didn't take Venmo.

You never brought my
daughter here before, right?

Never, sir.

- Y'all not smushing?
- Hell, no.

Let me tell you something, man.

I swore I would never go back to jail.

But for my daughter, I will.

- Are we clear?
- Yes, sir.

You swear on your mother's life?

- I swear.
- Let's go.

Wait, you're leaving already?

Yeah, turns out
I'm not really a cuddler.

Thanks again for the help, Shahzad.

It was better than I thought it'd be.

Well, can I at least get a hug?

[CHUCKLES]

- Rain?
- Nice, dude.

Wait, she's fully clothed,
and you're naked in bed?

Please tell me you kept your socks on,

'cause you're not ready for love.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

You didn't listen, did you?

♪

What part of "do nothing"
didn't you understand?

I should've listened to you, Ma.

Turns out one was a prankster,
and one's was a freak.

Tray, they're growing up.

They do things that you
better off not knowing about.

Why you think I never
asked why you spent

so much time with Maxine
in the projects' stairwell?

- You knew about that?
- Everybody in the projects

knew about that!

You have a very distinct moan.

Yeah, Ma, but I kept
my socks on, so it don't count.

Well, that's good, because back then,

you were not ready for love.

And, also,

that's why we don't talk
about things like this.

Which one of my grandbabies is a freak?

- We not gonna talk about it.
- I bet it was Shahzad.

Not just a freak.

He's a witty-bitty bing-bong freak.

Oh.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, you're that...
- Yep.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, enjoy your lunch.

- I always do.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ The way that I met her
was on tour at a concert ♪

♪ She had long hair
and a short miniskirt ♪

♪ I just got onstage,
drippin', pourin' with sweat ♪

♪ I was walking through the
crowd, and guess who I met ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You got what I need ♪

♪ But you say he's just a friend ♪

♪ And you say he's just a friend ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you ♪