04x02 - Sweatpants

[bunniefuu]

Looking sharp, Whitlock High.

Yes, the new
anti-bullying campaign

is in effect. And I, for one,

think the new uniforms
look pretty cool.

Or in the words
of Korean pop star

and pistachio spokesman Psy,

♪ Hey, dig those khakis ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop ♪

♪ Whitlock High's got style ♪

Ow, come on, man.

Grab the day by the horns.

- Ow.
- Sir, if you don't comply

with the dress code, I
have to send you home.

Get off me, man.

Ralph, will you please
tell your goon here

that I have a
sweatpants exception?

Jack, in order for this
uniform thing to work,

everyone has to participate,
including faculty.

I didn't like it
at first, either.

You know how much I love
to wear school colors.

But just between
you, me and my dogs,

I still found a way.

Is it cool if I go
do something else?

Yes.

Ralph, this is insane.

Please cancel the uniforms.

That is a no I can't do.

All right, look.

I was talking to
the superintendent.

And she said one of
the biggest problems

in this district is bullying.

So I pointed out, well,

if everybody wore
the same thing...

There's less stuff
to make fun of.

You know, 'cause
it's harder to tell

when someone is

dorky.

And who's

poor.

- Mm.
- They're gonna call it

the Durbin Anti-Bullying
Uniform Campaign.

Yay.

- Who will?
- Yay!

Who is going to call it that?

- Can she hear me?
- No.

[grumbles]

Look, man.

Uniforms promote
conformity, okay?

You're gonna turn
these kids into

mindless zombies, like a cult.

[scoffs]

[scoffs] Okay.

I do not see that happening.

[steady music]

We're forming a cult.

["Listen To My Heart"
by the Ramones playing]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

Why are we forming
a cult, exactly?

Because, Sarika.

The khakis kind of dig
into my little waist.

Mm, I smell a trouble
in paradise sitch.

You and Lynette,
you're having problems.

So you take it out
on the uniforms.

Wrong as always, Marcus.

Now, granted, we're not
forming a real cult, guys.

Okay, real cults
are for sad people,

who can't find friends or
sex partners the normal way.

- [indistinct chatter]
- Wait, we get sex partners?

Guys, we just need
to act like a cult.

So that Durbin loses faith
in these stupid uniforms.

All right, now who's
gonna be our cult leader?

Cult leaders are... [sighs]

Insecure, clingy weirdos

with very basic
acoustic guitar skills.

That's me.

Uh, I can play G and C chords,

and I've been known
to let self-doubt

nip at my heels.

Yeah, that's right.

Your parents' divorce really
rocked your self-esteem,

didn't it?

- Nice.
- It did.

But I've been going to therapy.

And I use meditative
breathing to cope.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Also, I paint my arms
with finger brushes

as a means to self-soothe.

Well, we found our cult leader.

- [chuckles]
- Nice, man.

Girl, you picked the right
week to be on bed-rest.

This uniform is very
tight in the pits.

Well, wasn't my choice.

Apparently the baby
got flipped around,

and if I don't take it
easy for the next few days,

it's gonna think
that it's supposed

to come out of my mouth.

[giggles]

Okay.

You know how I get an
email alert anytime

a '90s R&B singer enters
the state of Ohio?

- No.
- No.

Well, I just got us
tickets to Electronni

with backstage passes.

Oh, my... [gasps]

Girl, Electronni was my jam.

You remember "P U
This Car Stanky"?

♪ We're banging
in the backseat ♪

♪ So open a window, girl ♪

[laughs]

Oh...

You probably can't
go, huh, Stef?

Nope.

- So unfair.
- No.

Remember "Pew Pew
Our Love Stinks"?

[laughs]

I humped the hell out
of my parents' ottoman

- to that song.
- Aw, me too.

I was in love with
my parents' ottoman.

Well... well, hold on.

I mean, I want to hear
about your ottoman.

Take me with you.

[light music]

Dave.

What's that around your neck?

Oh, this is my lanyard.

♪ ♪

[all exhaling]

No, stop.

Stop, guys, stop.

This... this isn't working.

No, yeah, it is, yeah, it is.

My brain is tingling like

it just had a sip of Dr. Pepper.

I feel amazing, too.

I'm so relaxed, I
can't close my jaw.

Well, that's the
thing with cults.

I mean, they do
start out idyllic.

I mean, who doesn't love
dancing and fresh lettuce?

Look, we need year
five of the cult,

where there's a bunch
of pantsless children

running around, firing g*ns

when everyone's foraging
for dumpster lettuce.

We gotta make Durbin think you
guys are way more disturbed.

Maybe we could
hang after school,

try to dig a little deeper?

I recently realized I've
been lying to myself

for years about
having shredded abs.

- I don't.
- Yeah, sure.

Uh, let's... let's do that.

Okay, now have a
creepy routine ready

by Tuesday morning, okay?

We gotta freak Durbin out

so we can get rid of
these awful uniforms.

[bell rings]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Buckle up...
- You're about to see

Dr. Asher's
methodology firsthand.

How are you feeling?

You know, Vic.

On top of the world like always.

Slam dunk, stop, smell
the roses, repeat.

Oops.

You touched your face
when you said it.

That's a divorce.

Anytime you break the bond,

that's a divorce.

Here, let's try this again.

How are you feeling?

Exhale.

- [exhales]
- Keep going.

Why are grades so
important to you?

Because I want to go
to a good college.

Go deeper.

Because I want to succeed.

I want to, like, own sculptures.

[snickers] Deeper.

I'm not saying that I'm
attracted to my mom.

I'm saying my mom

is attractive.

In another world, maybe.

♪ ♪

Because Harvard's
the best school.

And I thought if I got in,

I'd finally feel
like I'm good enough.

Wow...

I've been so mean to myself.

You've been asleep
for a long time,

haven't you?

Good morning, Sarika.

[together] Good morning, Sarika.

[exhales]

[exhales slowly]

Stop.

[coughs]

Now I have one question.

What should we do with this?

Trash it.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

[joyful music]

We have another good morning.

[applause]

Victor cured me, y'all.

We're really getting
somewhere now.

I say we continue this
at my home all weekend.

Some of Dr. Asher's teachings

can be better illuminated
through lack of sleep.

♪ ♪

[tenmse music]

♪ ♪

Oh, there you are, Ralph.

- Hey, wait...
- Helen, Helen, wait.

Look, not a bully in sight.

It's working.

And you know the crazy thing?

This whole uniform
thing, I made it up.

I just blurted it out.

I gotta think less, and
just say things, you know?

Wall cupcakes.

Shoes made out of water.

I... I'm sorry, you wanted
to tell me something?

Oh, yeah, there's a
bully in your office

with their victim.

Okay, Helen.

Please interrupt me if
you have information

that undercuts my whole speech.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, Ralph.

Apparently, Jen here

told Karl Peterkowski that
Anna had a crush on him.

And then Karl laughed
in Anna's face.

I... I'm sorry,
and this bullying

happened while you
were in uniform?

'Cause that's the
part I don't get.

Okay, we're...

We're not gonna make an
official report, but...

[suspenseful music]

Hello, everyone.

I just wanted you
all to know that

sophomore Jen Salavantis
has a big old crush

on senior Steve Dunn.

How did you know that?

- Your mom told me.
- We pickleball.

Ha!

How's it feel to have your
crush outed, you bully?

Mortifying.

Mortifying?

[airy music]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[relaxing music playing]

All right.

Morning, everybody.

Yeah.

Good.

This is very odd.

I like it, okay.

- Uh, what else you guys got?
- Victor saved my marriage.

[laughs] That's good.

- You're married?
- Now I am.

To Marissa.

All right, well, this
is all very creepy.

And I like it a lot.

Um, but save some of
it for Durbin, okay?

'Cause when he sees
this, I'm telling you,

he's definitely gonna
cancel these uniforms.

But the uniforms help us feel
like part of the collective.

It's our group skin.

Oh, whoa... uh, Grace

your... your finger is
bleeding pretty bad there.

You want to head over
to the nurse's office

and get that bandaged up?

[laughs]

The Illustrious One says
that medicine can't save us.

We have to save ourselves.

I threw my inhaler away.

- I'm gonna kiss my mom.
- Uh... wait, what?

He said he's gonna kiss his mom.

Are you having trouble hearing?

And why the [bleep] are you
wearing shoes in my presence?

[eerie music]

Take the shoes off.

Okay. I'll bite.

My wife will take your shoes.

Did you say your wife, Caleb?

I'm sorry, I must be
having memory loss.

Because I thought we were
all married to Marissa.

Doth thou claim sole
possession over this virgin?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, sir.

The Illustrious One says you
shall receive 12 paddles.

Do you accept?

I accept with enthusiasm.

[together] One for the divorcer!

- Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

[together] Two for the divorcer.

Hey, hey, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Grace, Grace,
Grace... Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Let's... we're gonna, um...

There we go, good.

Let's take five on
the group paddling.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Uh, you know what guys?

Let me, uh... I'm just gonna...

Give me a sec, give me a sec.

Coming through, sorry.

Uh, hey, listen... uh, Ralph.

I, uh, I tried to ruin
your stupid uniform thing

by forming a fake, creepy cult.

But now it's a
creepy, real cult.

This is their paddle.

Bottom line is, I don't care
about the uniforms anymore.

I just want my
kids brains' back.

Okay, I'm gonna look into this.

Helen, hold my calls.

Actually, no, wait. That
doesn't make any sense.

Answer my calls, and
write down the messages.

So, wait, Helen, what I'm saying

is take my calls.

- Yeah, yeah, cult.
- Here we go, here we go.

Well, now he's got
me all jumbled.

I guess I should
just get rid of that.

Dave, I appreciate you taking me

to the Electronni
concert, but what the hell

is going on with
your shirt cursive?

Uh, you know, I've never
been great with fabric paint.

[snickers]

When we got married, Heath said

I could make out
with Electronni.

It was in his vows. [Laughs]

Electronni is my hall pass.

Okay.

When you're single, a hall pass

is just when you pass someone
you slept with in the hall,

and you pretend to be
on a fake phone call.

- Oh.
- Hey-o.

Hey, here's a fun tidbit.

I actually went to summer
camp with Electronni.

Of course, he was
Electronald back then.

Ah, no, I'm just kidding.

He was Ronald, but
we were swim buddies.

Yeah, right, Dave, don't lie.

Electronni's afraid
of the water.

He said it in.

♪ Let's do it on
the dock, girl ♪

♪ 'Cause this lake
stinky and I can't swim ♪

♪ I'll still take
you in the deep end ♪

♪ But you gotta
wear your floaties ♪

- No talking, Dave.
- No Dave.

He can't swim, Dave.

Hey, Mary.

Uh, yes, this is she.

Oh, no, Grandma got frozen?

Oh, no, she froze.

Okay, well, I will
tell the government,

thank you very much.

[quirky music]

Okay, come here,
look, look, look.

Look, yeah. [Grunts]

Look at these pillows,
look at the formation.

Look at... look at their faces.

Victor, say something.

Hi, Principal Durbin.

I was just confiding
in my peers about

how difficult divorce can be.

I don't suppose you
can relate to that?

Ooh, man.

Boy, do I ever.

[groans]

You know what can help?

- Hmm?
- Close your eyes,

and think of a painful memory.

[sighs]

Probably when my wife
started introducing me

as her "buddy Ralph."

Now, take a deep breath.

And send that memory
over to Anthony.

[exhales]

[inhales]

Got it.

Permission to excrete
Principal Durbin's memory?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Guys, that...

That really helped.

Thank you. [Laughs]

That was...

I was so worried

this whole uniform
thing would be a bust.

But I feel 100% better.

[laughs] Cleansed.

[laughs]

Whoo!

♪ ♪

You know, I'm actually
starting to feel jealous

- of your setup, Stef.
- Seriously.

You get to see
Electronni tonight

without all the bad parts
of going to a concert.

Right?

Like, I am not going
to miss having to park,

and stand in line,

and pay $18 for a damn water.

Seven words.

Wet toilet paper on the...

Wait, what am I at?

Five.

Damn, I'm gonna need more words.

Bottom of my shoe.

Ugh.

Maybe I hate going to concerts.

Going to concerts sucks.

[scoffs]

- What are we doing?
- I don't know.

Even waiting in line
for the bathroom...

I... it's a nightmare.

[quirky music]

Hello?

Is anybody in this bathroom?

Can somebody please tap
this man and tell him

that my friends have
left the bathroom?

And that he needs to go
jogging down that hallway.

We've had some
time to think about

your little betrayal yesterday.

We're not mad. We get it.

When people get too close
to you, you run away.

We made you a place to sit.

[dramatic music]

I don't like that.

And, actually, if you guys
don't snap out of this

right now, I'm
giving you all F's.

The Illustrious One says that
grades just tear us apart.

The grades also get
you into Harvard.

Oh, I'm not going to Harvard.

No, I'm staying here and
having Marcus's babies.

And that'll do her.

Uh, I'm out. Ah!

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

All right.

It's curious you're
trying to break up

our little family, Jack,

especially considering
the fact that

you're from a broken
home yourself.

Your father...

Where is your father, Jack?

I honestly don't care.

Let's restart.

Good morning.

Where's Papa, Jack?

Is Papa mad?

Nope, joke's on you.

Sends me a Christmas card
every year from Ann Arbor.

Tell Anthony about the last
time you saw your papa.

- Let me inhale your pain.
- I'm strong enough.

♪ ♪

Okay, look.

My dad didn't care about
me when I was young,

and I don't care about
him now that he's old.

It's too much! It's too much.

Good morning.

Good morning, Illustrious One.

[all laughing]

What an odd joke.

Me, the Illustrious One?

The Illustrious One speaks
to us through Victor.

Every Wednesday at 5:30.

- That lady?
- Is that your therapist?

More importantly,

she's our leader.

[steady music]

We must help Jack
reconcile with his father.

I found his father's address

and drafted a letter from Jack.

He forgives his father,
and beckons him home.

Uh, well, let's definitely
not send that letter.

Um, brothers and sisters...

Sarika is wise. Let us dance.

[kazoo buzzes]

♪ ♪

[tense music]

[laughs] Whoa.

- Wow.
- [laughs]

- So cool.
- Very cool.

Boys, we can't see each other.

Bellies together.

- Uh...
- Here, split it.

Okay, let's get real.

What's the plan when
Electronni gets here?

I know, I'm getting nervous.

I mean, I love my husband.

But, what if?

That was an impressive show.

I liked when he did the worm.

Yeah, I feel bad
for whoever's gotta

clean up that sweat puddle.

Oh, in the janitor biz?

We call that a macho cheese.

Why?

Fine, I lied.

Nobody calls it
that. Uh, I'm sorry.

Dale, we like you.

You don't have to make
up stuff to impress us.

Yeah, you're doing
great tonight.

- Shut up!
- Stop!

We can hear you.

So we agree.

I should make my move.

Wait.

Please don't do this.

Keith, what are you doing here?

You don't even like Electronni.

I'm here to stop this.

Now that you two are in
the same room together,

it's getting too real.

I can't share you with anyone.

What about your hall pass?

Katie Couric can
kiss my a*s in hell.

Ooh.

Oh.

That was sweet.

All right, Mary. We're up.

- Oh, okay.
- [laughs]

Oh, wow.

And what's your
name, stinky girl?

Mary.

Mm, and what's your name?

Stef.

Well, this is a dedication

to Stinky Mary and Stinky Stef.

♪ Oo-oo-wee, you just
as stinky as can be ♪

[together] ♪ Can somebody ♪

♪ Open up a window? ♪

Hey, Ronald.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, g*dd*mn.

- Dave Pugh?
- Yeah.

You scared the sh*t out of me.

I'm sorry about that, man.

I wasn't gonna interrupt,

but you had your
hand on my thigh.

I felt like I had to say hey.

Dave.

Hey, do you remember?

[together] ♪ Don't
give me no pop ♪

♪ No pop, don't give
me no tea, no tea ♪

♪ Just give me that
milk, moo moo moo moo ♪

♪ That Thunderbird
milk, moo moo moo moo ♪

♪ Camp Thunderbird! ♪

[laughter]

Wow.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughs]

- Oh, snap, that's good.
- Yeah.

[winces]

Somebody turns us off.

Great idea, Ralph.

[laughs]

[knock at door]

Oh, hi.

Oh, Mr. Dunn.

You made an announcement

that Jen Salavantis
likes me, and...

I like her, too.

Could you maybe make
another announcement

that I like her back?

Steve, that was
done to punish Jen.

Yeah, I mean if you
humiliated a peer,

then we would humiliate you
back by announcing the crush.

Okay, I definitely will.

Ugh.

Oh, Ralph, we did this.

I'm cancelling the uniforms.

They obviously

didn't work.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[tranquil music]

♪ ♪

Good morning,
brothers and sisters.

Oh.

I see we have some new folks.

Very cool, very, very cool.

Well, I come bearing a gift.

Dr. Asher?

Yes, oh... Illustrious One,

won't you have a seat
over in the chair here...

Oh, I scratched my face
whilst addressing you.

That's a divorce, um.

Please, it would
be such an honor

if you would paddle me yourself.

How many strikes do I get?

What is happening, Mr. Griffin?

Oh, uh, Victor taught
us your covenant.

[together] One for the divorcer.

Come on, Dr. Asher.

Victor said you
believe in paddling

and that you hate
divorce and medicine.

[scoffs] I love medicine.

And... and I think divorce
is a really healthy thing.

I've been divorced

twice.

[all gasp]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Does this mean I can
have my inhaler back?

Thank you, Doctor.

- That will be all.
- Okay, I'm 150 for the hour

and I only do Zipcash.

Zipcash, okay.

Well, I will figure out
what the hell that is.

[laughs]

Oh, you can go too ladies.

So we are not going
to space when we make

- the thousandth khaki?
- No...

Sorry, ladies.

Gerta, Heidl, Lati.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I... guess I got a
little carried away.

Yeah, a little bit
there, bud, little bit.

But I think everything's
gonna be okay.

Sarika, do you
care about grades?

More than anything.

And do you want to
have Marcus's babies?

- No.
- Damn it.

Well...

Good morning, Sarika.

[upbeat music]

- Attention, students.
- I'd like to admit

that I have a crush
on my pastor, Vicky.

I-I don't even know
if she's allowed

to go out on dates or not.

I have a crush on the
lady that neutered my pug.

And, uh, if Dr. Meg is your mom,

I apologize, but she's cute.

Okay, so there you have it.

A taste of our own medicine.

And... oh, and uniforms
are no longer mandatory.

Wear whatever you want.

You still have to cover up
your bellies, your Susies,

your Willies, your vuvuzelas,
and your dangling Henrys.

Lunch today is Salisbury steak.

[laughs]

♪ We're banging
in the backseat ♪

♪ Ooh, open that window ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, man.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

John Griffin.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Diane, hey.

I got one more for you.

Have a good one. [Laughs]

[sighs]

You did good, Dale.

You did good.