04x03 - An Oath to Rusty

[bunniefuu]

[school bell rings]

Ready to begin?

[lively music]

[grunts softly]

Whoa! [Cackles]

Whoops. Wide right!

Marissa, grab that
axe for me, would you?

Y'all loving this or what?

This is fun. Very fun.

Mr. Griffin, is there
anything bothering you

in your personal life?

A new career setback?
Relationship issues?

Oh, please nothing with
the lovely Lynette.

Please nothing with
the lovely Lynette.

So, Lynette and I are
taking a little break.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

This is something
adults do sometimes.

[sobs]

They break up.

Ah, [bleep] this!

She said I was incapable
of real vulnerability,

which could cause a
multitude of problems.

But she also acknowledged that
this is a very difficult thing

for a lot of
people, not just me.

- This is not happening!
- [bleep]

Here's your axe.

Thanks, Marissa.

The thing that you
youngsters will learn

is that this type of thing

has less and less impact
the older you get.

♪ ♪

Bullseye! Yeah.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

[playful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Mr. Griffin.
- Marcus.

Courtesy of Mom
and Pop Kasperak.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, got about
an hour to k*ll.

What're you thinking?
Maybe pop some brewskis?

- No.
- Watch some Skinemax?

- God, no.
- Talk about your broken heart?

♪ ♪

Yeah.

You know, Sadie, my
college girlfriend,

when she left me, I was wrecked.

She came crawlin' back.

You know what they say, "Once
you go Kasperak, you... ".

Ugh.

So, you know, maybe
Lynette will come back.

Stop, stop.

Look, this isn't
one of those things

where you and I are gonna
bond and become friends, okay?

This is me pretending
to tutor you

for mutual monetary gain.

And that's all it is.

- Roger that.
- Great.

Whoa.

You play Twilight Imperium?

I played a lot at Cambridge

where intelligent people
enjoy complex strategy games.

I play with the
Emirates of Hacan.

- You would.
- Let me guess.

You're a Ghosts of Creuss guy.

I like wormholes. Duh.

Well, I wouldn't let
the Space Bunnies

get a foothold on any of
the worlds you're after.

♪ ♪

Okay, you wanna get
crushed, Marcus? Fine.

Would it make you
happy to get crushed?

♪ ♪

All right.

Now that you're single, who
you hanging out with, you know?

Who're your dudes? Your buds?

I don't know. Uh, Durbin?

Your boss? No other bros or...

Yes, I have other bros, Marcus.

Just, you know...

Like, there's, um...

Tick tock, tick tock, tick
tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Marcus, Marcus!

You know, you gotta be
less than $50 annoying

for this arrangement to work.

And do me a favor.

Focus on activating
your space cannon.

Me too.

I've also been having
nightmares about the trial.

Just knowing such evil exists!

[chips crunching loudly]

Dave!

Can't you see we're trying

to eavesdrop on our good friend?

Do you want me to suck
the chips, ladies?

Yes. Damn, Dave. Suck 'em.

Great idea. I won't.

Not to anyone.

You have my word, Rusty.

[phone beeps]

Was that another juror?

When are you going to tell us

all the juicy details
about your jury duty?

Oh, I can't.

The trial is over.

You are allowed to
talk about the case,

according to Ohio
statuette 45.12.

- I'm sorry.
- I made an oath to Rusty.

- Rusty who?
- Mm.

I don't know his last name.

Anyway, we promised each other

we would keep the twisted
details to ourselves.

[both sigh]

Stef, you know our
girl has no poker face.

All we have to do is guess,
and she'll tell us everything.

Was it something to
do with alligators?

Why would you start with that?

Do the regular ones first, like,

was it third degree m*rder?

Second degree? Okay.

Did it involve an alligator?

It wasn't a flasher, was it?

She would have told us
if it was a flasher.

- Yeah.
- [gasps]

Michelle, you convicted a
flasher and didn't tell us.

[tense music]

Not convicted?

Acquitted?

He's a free man?

Oh, my God.

There is a flasher on the loose,

and he thinks he's invincible.

[air hissing]

Got it.

Well, I blew it.

With the tater tot vendor?

Did he give you the
discount Prairie got?

No. In fact, he said,

"Ralph, I need to
raise the price 10%."

I didn't even ask any
follow-up questions.

I just said, "Thank you, Don.

All my best to Daphne."

You gave that mean man and
his mean wife your best?

All of it?

You should just lay me
on your stoop and write,

"Home is where the
wine is" on my face

because I am a doormat.

Ralph Durbin, do you remember
the Tony Robbins seminar

we took, "Reclaim Your Power"?

Sort of. I mean,

we only watched the free


Well, all you have to do
is three simple things.

You put your shoulders
way back far like this;

You talk loud and
you talk really fast;

And you call B.S. on
anybody who wrongs you.

So I says to the mayor,

"Get control of
those invasive carp

"or I'm gonna cover my
pontoon in dynamite,

drive her out to the
Maumee and kaplowee!"

There's your practice.

Joyce has had your leaf
blower for a whole year.

[whispers] Do it.

So the mayor says,
"How you gonna get off

the pontoon if it explodes?"

I say, "Ever heard of a canoe?"

Joyce, stop.

Where is my leaf blower?

It's in my garage. Sorry.

- I keep forgetting.
- I call B.S., Joyce.

Are you forgetting, or do
you simply not respect me?

Fine.

I lent it to my cousin
as a Christmas gift.

I gave it to my cousin.

Well, you're going to give
it back to me tomorrow.

Capisce?

And I says, "Oh, are
we listing boats now?

Well, how about paddle boat?

Flat bottom boat."

He says, "Oh, that's
the boat my wife has."

I says, "Oh, your wife
has a flat bottom?

My husband has a small dinghy."

[cackles]

[groans]

We're gonna have
to go way deeper

for you to reclaim your power.

Mr. Griffin is
dangerously lonely.

There is a study
in here that says

that men who have male friends

live five years longer
than men who don't.

He's gonna die prematurely.

And what snake oil establishment

published this
so-called research?

Harvard University.

[groans]

Yo, Mr. G, you want me
to mess that up for you?

No, I got it. I got it.

All right.

[grunts]

All right, pass it back.
Pass it back to him.

I want... yes.

[light percussion music]

♪ ♪

Thank you, Dan.

My innocent little dummies.

You guys don't think
I have any friends?

I have so many friends.

Most of them are, you know,
coastal or international.

I mean, look, if I
swung by Paris tonight,

there'd be multiple Marcels

who would want to pick
me up from the airport.

Not to mention all the Mariuses

who'd be begging for me
to crash on their couches.

Why not give your fake
friends a guest room?

The saddest part, he tried to
count Durbin as his friend.

All: Aww. [Several giggle]

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Yeah, well, I'm not a
beggar, Yuyao, okay?

Durbin is my friend.

He's your boss.

That's like me
saying I'm friends

with the shadow girl
that lives in my closet.

She's not my friend.
She's my boss.

Yeah. Durbin don't count.

According to my calculations,

that takes you back to
having zero male friends.

Durbin is my friend, damn it!

We're buds, and that's
that. All right?

He's gonna be a
pallbearer at my funeral.

Carrying one of the
front corners too

and not the thankless
middle section.

And let me tell you
guys something else.

I don't give a
damn if he pays me!

Ralph Durbin is one
of the best friends

I have ever had!

[patriotic music]

[breathing heavily]

I wonder who's going
to carry my coffin.

Four open corners, boys.

Any takers?

God, uh, Mr. Griffin,
if I may...

- You mayn't.
- Perhaps the reason

you struggle to
befriend male peers

is because you're controlling.

I, like you, am an only child,

and we can be
difficult to play with.

If we don't get our
way, we go bananas.

I don't go bananas, okay?

Who here has ever
seen me go bananas?

Do we count when you freaked out

and tried to tear that
medical journal in half?

Yes, I noted at the time

that you were being
"bananas in pajamas."

Look, guys, I have male friends.

Okay? And that's the end of it.

Hmm. So if you wanted to put
together a guys' game night

for, say, I don't know,
this Friday night,

you could gather
three to four dudes?

Easily.

- Care to make it interesting?
- 20 bones?

- You know what?
- Let's make it 50.

I'm gonna win your half
of the tutoring money.

[playfully tense music]

[both laughing]

Boy, he was PO'd!

[Jack joins laughter]

We talkin' pissed off?

- Yeah.
- Who was it?

It was Greg.

- Of course it was Greg.
- [laughs]

Which one's Greg again?

Calculus teacher.

He had a fit at
the staff cookout.

Ah!

"Unfairness, and I'm
taking my net with me!"

[laughter]

"Unfairness, and I'm taking

my crock pot of
weenies with me!"

There wasn't a crock
pot of weenies.

This was a Spanish potluck for
Señora Tammy's retirement.

Yeah, paella, gazpacho,
patatas bravas.

You know, no weenies.

- Guessed wrong.
- Sorry 'bout that.

[chuckles]

Ahh! Christ, this was fun.

Hey, you guys wanna do
a game night Friday?

And if so, what kind of
snacks would you want?

Ah, pigs in a blanket. Yeah.

But Friday night, I have plans
to polish off a bottle of wine

and bathe my mother in-law.

♪ ♪

Okay. Well, why did you
say the snack thing first

'cause I already
wrote that down.

- Uh...
- Yeah.

- Coach, you free?
- Sure.

And snack-wise, I'm a sucker
for that olive oil popcorn.

Okay.

This Tony Robbins stuff
is already working.

Jack suddenly wants me
to carry his coffin.

That's great, but if
you're gonna stand up

to the tater tot exec,
you gotta dig deeper.

Okay.

Your cowardice is ancestral.

It goes way back, but to whom?

My grandma.

My... my grandma, when she lost
our family farm to locusts,

it taught me to be weak

and... and... and to give
up when things got tough.

Yes. Call Frances Durbin

and reclaim your power.

[dramatic percussion music]

It's going to voicemail.

[deeper voice] Uh,
Granny, this is Ralph.

I wish you'd fought harder
against the locusts.

Your legacy ends here.

Goodbye.

I call B.S.

Your voice was mean, but
your eyes were tender.

Well, actually, I call bull S.

This tough gal exterior
might fool some people,

but we all know
you're soft inside.

Where's your backbone, Demarcus?

- I don't know.
- Who took it from you?

My dentist.

My dentist treats
me like garbage

on a tri-yearly basis.

He doesn't know
how much I floss!

Well, I'm gonna call bull
S-H-I-T on that, Helen.

Your dentist stole your power?

♪ ♪

Tell me about Daddy.

Oh no, you don't.

I call a hot loose
goose bull S on you,

for calling a bull...

- No, no.
- S-H-I-T on me.

You... you do not call
a boomerang B.S. on me!

I do, and I will.

- You do not boomerang B.S.
- on me.

- I do, and I will.
- Because I will catch

that boomerang, and I
will throw it back...

And I will catch it
backwards, like this,

and I'll throw it back at you.

- You will not.
- I will head butt it back.

They keep saying
it's super simple,

but I'm, like, so nervous.

I'm sure they do
this all the time.

Hey, what's up?

What are you guys talking about?

Dale's gotta have a procedure
to widen his urethra.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Uh, well, do you guys
mind if I join the convo?

That's the conversation
you want to join?

Dale's urethra surgery?

The doctor says we're not
allowed to call it a surgery.

He refers to it as a "trick."

Oh.

God.

Um, well, hey... What are
you guys doing Friday?

And what are y'all's
favorite snacks?

Now, does this flasher
have a button nose?

[moans uncertainly]

That sounds like a
"yes" on button nose.

Okay.

I know you're not loving
this, but we have no choice.

Oh, my God, I have been
so jumpy every time

I pass a guy in a trench coat.

Inspector Gadget...
Ruined for me.

I wear this dog cone
when I walk to my car

so I can't see
below waist level.

I'm sorry you guys
are so stressed.

I wish there was something I
could do to ease your fears.

You could tell us
what he looks like

so we know who to avoid.

- I can't.
- I made an oath to Rusty!

- Rusty.
- The man you barely even know.

Meanwhile, one of
your best friends

is walking around dressing up

as a fresh-from-the-vet a*s dog.

Right. And I can't remember.

Was it Rusty whose
lease you had to co-sign

because his credit was terrible?

No. That was me, Michelle.

Mm.

Now, does this creep
have straight hair?

[groans]

Curly hair?

[squeals]

And would you say he has

a reasonable amount of forehead?

[wails]

An unreasonable
amount of forehead?

[squeals uncertainly]

- Oh, my God.
- [squeals uncertainly]

It's Dave?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[both gasp]

[playful music]

- That's my little gal.
- She had six kittens total.

Seven if you count the
runt, which I don't.

Frickin' adorable.

That's pure joy wrapped in fur.

Got olive oil popcorn for Coach.

- Potato chips for Dale.
- Thank you.

And homemade

pork shumai dumplings for Hans.

[sniffs]

Did you make the soy
ponzu dipping sauce?

Well, I don't see scallions.

- Uh!
- [laughs]

They'll do.

Okay, great.

Hey, did you guys get a chance

to review my email about how
to play Twilight Imperium?

That long-a*s attachment?

Uh, was that in English, Jack?

[all chuckle]

Yeah, it was. Okay, that's...

Yeah, all right.

It's a complicated
game, so it would've...

That's okay. That's all right.

Sorry, just recalibrating here.

I will break it
down for you guys.

No big. No big.

So, Twilight Imperium
is, essentially,

a large-scale space opera
that is as challenging

as it is rewarding.

You know what?
Why don't we start

by everyone picking
a race of aliens?

- Ooh, what race is ET?
- Because I want to be that one.

I'll be Melmacian. That's ALF.

[cat meows on phone,
phone vibrates]

Sounds like dinnertime.

Oh, boy. The cat sitter
sent a new photo.

Look, it's the stars of the
Itty Bitty Kitty Committee.

Oh, come on.

You gotta send me those
kitty pics, Coach.

My girlfriend's gonna love
those little stinkers.

Okay. That's it.

Phones in the basket.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, you're not getting my phone.

I'm a grown man. Next.

Sorry, I'm on call.

Vera, the mama cat, she's
got a teat infection.

And if her fever spikes,

I gotta scoot to
the cat hospital.

Well, I'm just gonna
take my phone back

if everyone else
isn't going to do it.

Let's talk big picture, okay?

So, the Winnaarans,

custodians of the
galactical council,

are saying that anyone
can win the throne.

And that's you guys.

[cat meows on phone,
phone vibrates]

♪ ♪

- Oh.
- sh*t!

Ah, the board!

Grab towels. Grab towels.

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's all right.

It's mostly just
soaked New Albion.

Oh no, it's spreading to
Resculon... and Corneeq!

It's spreading to
Corneeq. Get towels!

I don't know where
you keep your towels.

- In the drawer, Dale!
- Where else would towels be?

Doy, Dale. Duh!

Hey, what if we just play poker?

We all know that one, right?

Might be more fun.

Oh, yeah. Sure, Coach.

Yeah, no. That sounds good.

Oh, sh**t.

Does this mean we
don't get to spend

our Friday night battling
over planet Poo Poo,

currently occupied
by the Pee Pee?

[all chuckling]

Nope.

[cat meows on phone,
phone vibrates]

Boots got his head
caught in a Kleenex box.

All: Aww.

I hate you guys and your
stupid idiot kittens!

♪ ♪

[muffled screaming]

[light knocks]

You okay, bud?

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't
know where your towels were.

Do you wanna apologize
for yelling at me?

For saying doy to me?

No.

I know you wanted to make
tonight a fun night, but

maybe your game was just
a little too complicated.

It's challenging to learn,

but therefore more
exhilarating to master.

Look, we're just
a bunch of doofs.

Having some brews, trying
to forget our week.

Everybody likes poker.
Do you wanna play poker?

Do you like pizza?

We ordered pizza.

[bright music]

Oh.

Now I got his attention.

[chuckles]

Come on, bud.

Let's go downstairs
and have some fun, huh?

Pow!

I don't have kids.

Super excited to someday.

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

I'm sorry I said
I hated everyone.

And I'm sorry that I said

that your kittens
were stupid idiots.

I mean, they might
be stupid idiots,

but that doesn't matter.

That's not what kittens are for.

They're actually very smart.

May I see them?

I see why they're on the
Itty Bitty Kitty Committee.

♪ ♪

[school bell rings]

I can't do this anymore.

We... we've been at
it for three days.

I am physically and
emotionally spent.

I call B.S., buttercup.

We are so close to
harnessing your power.

Who taught you that you
weren't worth a good g*dd*mn?

Who said your penmanship
wasn't manly enough?

Mama. Mama did that.

- It's going to voicemail.
- Do it.

Mama, it's Ralph.

I wanna thank you
for treating me

like a second-class citizen.

I became stronger
because I had to be.

You messed me up! Thank you!

[phone beeps]

[breathing heavily]

Ralph Durbin, you're
a g*dd*mn tiger.

Raaaaahhhhh!

Now you're ready.

Hello, Don. Yeah, it's Ralph.

Listen. Those price hikes?

They're not gonna
work for me, bud.

I'm not paying a penny
more for those tots.

Oh, good. Good.

I'm glad you see it my way.

Oh, Daphne says hi?

Well, you can tell your wife

to kiss my a*s!

Yes! That was great.

- Wasn't that worth it?
- Absolutely.

We... we saved $84 a year.

- Not another step.
- Stop right there.

More work to do.

Keep your hands where
we can see them.

[playful percussion music]

Coming through.

What's the ruckus all about?

Dave's a flasher.

Look at his pervy-a*s
trench coat.

It's raining in Morenci.

Only one way to prove
your innocence, Dave.

Open that coat.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Fully clothed.
- Okay.

See, it was the naked
ankles that threw us off.

I rolled them up 'cause
I wanted to splash

in some puddles, jeesh.

Sorry, Dave.

Michelle was lying to
us out of her own face.

What's the story, Michelle?

Yeah, tell us what
happened at the trial.

Damn! Dang.

Oh! I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna break
my oath to Rusty.

[huffs]

There was no moon
the night Miss Devons

reported for the graveyard
shift at Franklin Park Mall.

As security guard,
it was her job

to make sure that nobody stole
any of the shopping carts

at JCPenney's.

But that night,
someone did steal them.

In fact, he stole three.

[suspenseful music falls]

- That's it?
- [phone vibrates]

Who the hell is this?

My mom. It's my mom.

Oh, no. Don't answer it.

- What do I do?
- Don't answer it.

[phone vibrating]

Yah, yah!

My... my Tinder
profile is not locked.

[playful percussion music]

[chuckles]

Mm!

Well, Marcus, I won.

I won. Yeah.

And you know what?

I don't even want
your money, man.

I don't want it 'cause it
just feels so good to win.

I said I had guy
friends, and I do.

Anthony, what are
you doing, man?

Pass the phone around.

Were you crying just before
this photo was taken?

No.

I mean, my eyes might
have been watering

a little bit from the
peppers on the pizza.

I cry when I eat pizza

because I burn my
mouth every time.

- Yeah, Me too.
- [some agreement]

Been there. It happens.

Yeah, Heather, we're just
passing the phone around

to take a look at
the one picture.

Sorry, boss.

Full disclosure.

I did see your lady
bug on a leaf series.

Well, you also saw the picture

that proves Marcus was wrong.

Here, take a look.

Yep, me and the guys, we've got
a standing game night now, so...

So I guess this is
probably gonna scratch

your Twilight
Imperium itch, huh?

Ah, Christ, do you
know what, Marcus?

You were right.

I didn't get my way, and
I did indeed go bananas.

Yes, Eduardo, "in pajamas."

Yeah, that's why it looks
like I'm crying in the photo.

I was actually just sweaty
from burying my face

in the bed and screaming.

Been there.

So, um, we still on for Sunday?

Yeah. Yeah, we're on.

I mean, yeah, if you
wanna get crushed again.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Okay.

Trudy, Trudy. Just
go with this, okay?

I don't care.

Jack Griffin is one of the
greatest men I've ever known,

and this is not about money.

I can't wait to meet
someone and fall in love,

and when I ask them to marry me,

I'm gonna call my mom,
my dad, and Jack Griffin

and ask him to be the
best man at my wedding.

Are you asking me out on a date?

- It's... Trudy, just shh.
- You're ruining it.

You're ruining it.

Because I've always
kind of felt...

Wow. Thanks, Ralph.

- Jack!
- I didn't know you were here.

This is... this is embarrassing.

[both chuckle]

[playful music]

No, Trudy!

♪ ♪