04x04 - Tons of Rue

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing]

[laughing]

Darling, I am in the
most beautiful classroom

I have ever seen.

You can just feel the
science and the learning.

And I'm looking at some of the
most breathlessly exciting,

young students.

Explore the school, darlin'.

I'll talk to you soon.

My God.

What a stunning young woman
with such fashion sense.

Where did you get that
blouse? I must know.

My dog was Mrs.
Doubtfire for Halloween.

I doubt he pulled it off
half as well as you have.

Look at you. What's
your name, good sir?

- Victor Kozlowski.
- A fellow Pol.

To assume all names
ending in "ski" are Polish

is actually a pretty
common mistake.

They can also be Russian,
Czech, even Slovakian.

Hmm. Don't like that so much.

All right. Now,
where's my son Jack?

It's not like him to
be late, I imagine.

- Whoa.
- Are you Mister Mr. Griffin?

- I suppose I am.
- Holy sh*t.

[The Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

And that's why you're
afraid of belly buttons?

Not other people's. Just mine.

Brave young man.

[cell phone rings]

My love. I see.

Is there a name on it?

Well, then I say the
yogurt is yours. [Laughs]

Be safe, my love. Ta-ta.

Okay, so you're
sliding into first

and you feel something burst.

Sure, got that.

But then you're
sliding into second

and you feel the toilet beckon?

We're assuming that
the toilet wants this?

- Like, ew.
- No.

- I'm sorry to interrupt.
- I'm Celes.

So, I'm a witch
and I was curious.

Is one of you a water sign?

- I'm a water sign. Scorpio.
- I knew it.

Okay. Yes to all of this.

Please sit immediately. [Laughs]

So I can tell you're
all intuitive spirits.

That's true.

One time, I had a dream
that a dog was k*lled.

Guess what was on the
news when I woke up.

A dog was k*lled?

Yep. Bin Laden had been shot.

Dirty little dog.

Do you guys want to get
into some real stuff?

Ohh, yes, we do.

I could show you a
glimpse of your life

at the high point of
the next full moon.

When is that?

Exactly 48 hours from now.

No, wait. That math's
not right. Okay.


is 24, minus...

It's sometime Saturday night.

All: Ooh!

Stare into the stone
and concentrate.

And remember, what you see
is yours and yours alone.

Now, close your eyes
and glimpse your future.

For it has already been written.

[all scream]

Oh, that's not good.

So, little Jack says,

"Daddy, I'm not asking
to leave the party

"because of my bloody nose.

I also wet my
pwants!" [laughter]

Hey, what's with
all the chuckles?

Dad?

[laughs] Jack Sprat.

My God, look how big you are.

I've been this size
for over 20 years.

What... what are you doing here?

I received your heartfelt
letter, with your forgiveness,

your love, your apology for
your role in our estrangement.

Okay, well, first of
all, I don't forgive you

for abandoning us,
and second of all,

I sure as hell didn't
write that letter.

We wrote that letter,
but we didn't send it.

It was just supposed
to be a threat.

Should we discuss
this in private?

Oh, no. No.

You can speak in front of them.

You see, I treat my students
with respect and transparency

because, unlike you,

I don't believe the people
in my life are disposable.

Do you know my name?

Yeah.

Let's circle back on it.

I'm still processing that
you didn't write this letter.

But you know, it's never
too late to start anew.

I'm gonna hold you now.

Why? No. Let's...

I hate to see a hug go to waste.

I'll take that action.

It would be my pleasure, Caleb.

All right.

Listen, Jack. I'm sorry.

But the person who abandoned
you and your mother

was not yet a man.

You were 32.

Nicholas, right?

All right. All right, Caleb.

Yes, I was 32. But spiritually,
I was just a child.

I finally became complete
when my beloved fiancée Celes,

and her gorgeous son
Max came into my life.

Mm. So what you're saying

is that my mom wasn't
the right woman,

and I wasn't the right son.

Can you imagine how
furious I would be

if I actually cared
what you thought?

Hey. Got bored in the car.

- Max, my boy.
- [chuckles]

Oh, you have little beads
of glass in your sweater.

Did you...

Broke the window to get out.

You know, we can just get out
from the inside, remember?

With the handle?

Did I mess up? Do you not
want to be my dad anymore?

Nothing would ever
make me feel that way.

No one has ever loved anyone
more than I love you, Max...

Than I love both of my boys.

- That's my big brother?
- [laughs]

- What is this?
- What's happening?

- [laughs]
- Straight to roughhousing.

Are these two brothers or what?

- Wait.
- John, tell him I don't want it.

I don't know what this
is, but I don't want it.

I don't want it. I...

[grunting] [John laughs]

[struggling efforts]

Dan, save me!

I'm sorry, Mr. G.

I can't step in when it's a kid.

When I woke up, the
cold Rocky Mountain air

had turned my hot
tub to pure ice.

And it trapped me
from the waist down,

and I knew that if I had
to catch something to eat,

I was gonna have
to hold very still.

I'm sorry. What did you ask?

- The bathroom.
- Oh, right.

Oh, it's up at the
top of the stairs.

Hey, but before you go,

there are some rumors swirling

that you can show
people their futures?

- In a sense.
- What about the past?

I have to go real bad.

'Cause the closeness I have
with that beautiful man,

it could only have been
forged over lifetimes.

And I want to know
whether Ralph Durbin

and I knew each other
in a former life.

- It's possible.
- Oh, yes. Do it, do it, do it.

Zap me!

If I had time,

I would guide you through
a lengthy visualization

where you walk down a stairwell
that exists in all our minds,

open a door to your past life.

Oh, that's what
those stairs are for?

Oh. I got it from here.

You can go take your number two.

- Oh, that's not...
- Shh, honey, I know.

That's my gift.

Enjoy.

Okay, now. Where
are those stairs at?

Okay. [Thud]

Ah, I hear that.

Oh, yeah. And here's
the door, and...

Hello, there!
[Renaissance music]

Here are 50 farthings for


Uh, no. There's only
nine here. I paid for 10.

No, my horse didn't eat 'em.

[slams desk] Can I speak
to the manager, please?

[clattering]

Excuse me, ma'am.

Okay, buster, I got a
bone to pick with you.

Oh, my dear crap. Ralph?

- Look at my boys.
- It's fun to see 'em so happy.

Die!

Ohh!

Good one, Jack!

- [growls]
- No, no!

That ruled.

Here you go, kiddo.

Round one for Jack.

Get out!

Will do.

But Jack, I truly have changed.

We're gonna stay
through the weekend,

and if you can find
it in your heart

to spend an evening with
me and Celes and Max,

I've given Nicholas my number.

Let's go, bud.

Yeah, right.

"I've changed. I've
changed, Jack."

No, you know what?
He hasn't changed.

Let me tell you, this is the guy

who took an extended
business trip

during my mom's
entire pregnancy.

Yeah, I got bad
vibes from him too.

Oh, well, now I don't
know what to think.

Human are complex creatures
capable of growth.

Maybe he really
wants to reconcile.

- I've given him chances, Vic.
- Okay? Trust me.

When I... when I turned


for a scotch, and
he said, "Yes".

But then he stood me up.

Okay, so, excuse me if I don't
believe that he just meets

some woman and suddenly,
he's a different person.

Well, not suddenly.

They've been engaged
for four years.

[laughs]

- They've been engaged?
- For four years?

Okay, let me tell
you guys something.

That wedding's never
gonna happen. Okay?

The day they set a date
is the day my dad splits.

They set a date, he splits.

And everyone sees
what a phony he is.

[laughs] Ah.

I'm gonna need
that number, Chief.

Are you calling me
Chief because...

Yeah, 'cause I forgot it.

Just give the number and
don't bust my ba*ls, Chief.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Jack, it's so nice of
you to have invited us

- into your home.
- Aw.

- Mmm.
- Spaghetti with meat sauce

- for you.
- Mm-hmm.

And the vegan option for Celes.

Say when.

I'll admit after how things
went in the classroom today,

I didn't expect your call.

It means a lot, you know,
that type of gesture.

Oh, hey, bud.

Whatcha got there?
A tree branch?

I didn't take it from anybody.

It's mine. Can I
go play with it?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Oh, inside. You're gonna...

He's showing off for you.

- Uh-huh. Well, it's working.
- [chuckles]

Hey, so guys, tell me something.

What you got planned
for the wedding?

Well, we haven't set anything.

Well, not yet.

But obviously,

we want a ceremony in the
modern mystic tradition.

Oh, okay. And what exactly
would that look like?

Well, my friend Bernar
would officiate.

He's a chaos magician.

And an excellent accountant.

Oh.

It would start
with a meditation.

And then we'll cleanse our
hands in a bath of rue.

That's a herb that
promotes love.

Well, listen, you gotta
have tons of rue, you know.

I guess my only
question is why wait?

Excuse me?

You know, why not get
married this weekend?

I mean, didn't you say it was a
full moon this weekend, right?

That's probably
something, right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- It's very auspicious.

- So auspicious.
- [chuckles]

Dad?

[laughs] Uhh... I...

I love it. I adore it.

Of course, we'll have to make
sure that Bernar is available.

And, um, well, we
would need a clearing.

Oh, Toledo's jam
packed with clearings.

You need a clearing?
I'll get you a clearing.

- Could I keep this faucet?
- Yeah, why not?

Hey, Max, listen.

You want John and your mom
to get married this weekend?

- I'm not wearing a hat.
- All right?

Well, all right! Max is in.

Wow. Would you look at that?

This is great. [Laughs]

The old man's getting married.

- Okay.
- I can't hold it in anymore.

I am freaking out.

In my vision, I was dead.

- It was just pure blackness.
- [gasps]

Mine was just as bad as that.

I was eating a grilled
cheese sandwich!

And I didn't see
a g*n to my head,

which is the only way
I would ever do that.

I don't really like
grilled cheese sandwiches.

Michelle, did you not just
hear me say that I was dead?

But you know, maybe
I can avoid it.

I guess I gotta start
wearing my seat belt

like a frickin' dork.

Uh, hey, ladies, um,

I assume you've all met my
dad and that you love him?

All: Oh, yeah.

- He is amazing.
- He's not amazing.

What are you guys
doing on Saturday?

- Dying.
- Eating grilled cheese.

And what time are
those things happening?

At the high point
of the full moon.

- Okay. Well, great.
- Mine's an afternoon thing.

Yeah, I'm gonna expose
my dad as a fraud,

and it'd be really fun to
have an audience there.

He's going to leave his witch
girlfriend at the altar.

You want me to spend
my riskiest day

with a pissed witch
and her furious coven?

- All right, you know what?
- Forget it.

Oh, hey, Rhonda! Wanna
see a witch get owned?

Hey, Mary, you haven't said a
peep about your scary vision.

What did you see?

It's not... not a big deal.

Um, I, I get hit in the
head with a bongo drum.

Oh. I mean,

I wouldn't volunteer to get hit
in the head with a bongo drum,

but at least, it's not a change
to the core of who you are.

Like my thing.

Oh, my God, Michelle!

You're eating a damn sandwich!

That I don't like very much!

Jeez! Ugh!

All right, so listen, um,
I lied about my vision.

I'm hooking up with a man.

And it was Keith!

Michelle's husband Keith?

And I'm telling you, I was
all over his little a*s.

[pounding]

- Good morning, Helen.
- Would you mind

sending the rabbit
through the last hole?

You're a grown man, Mr. Durbin.

I'm sure you can send the
rabbit through your own hole.

- Uh-oh.
- Is this because you think

that I forgot your
quarter birthday?

Because I didn't.
There is a cookie cake

warming in a sun
spot on my dashboard.

Well, cookie cake can't
feed my former horse!

What?

I did a past life
regression, and I found out

that centuries ago,
when we were peasants,

you sold me 10 bales of
hay and all I got was nine.

Like I couldn't count.
But I could count.

I had learned it the week
before, and I was up to 14.

Which is more than
enough to know

that nine is different than 10.

Are you sure that your
horse didn't eat it?

For the more than
fourteenth time,

my horse did not eat it.

Bye!

- Helen, come on.
- [slamming stapler]

Ouch.

♪ ♪

That shirt Brooks Brothers?

Yeah.

Oof, looks like the groom's
running a little late.

Who could have seen
that coming, huh?

[laughs]

Hey! Oh, my.

What a sight.

I feel like I'm in a dream,
and you made it happen.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to find the perfect
boutonnière for Max.

Look. It's your favorite color.

What's wrong, my boy?

Just reminded of the time

that you didn't get me a
boutonnière for my prom.

Hey, look. I know that
milestones were missed.

But hey, I didn't
forget this time. Huh?

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

Hey, let me just
put this over here.

Oh. My boys are peas in a pod.

Hey. Okay. Okay.

[laughs]

All right.

Time to marry the
woman of my dreams.

Bernar.

[rings bell]

♪ ♪

[rings bell]

[whispering indistinctly]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Well.

She's not coming.

Screw this.

[people shouting]

♪ ♪

Stef, are you sure
we shouldn't wait out

your impending death at home?

Girl, I don't have
jalapeño poppers at home.

Oh.

[gasps] Sh! Sh!

Mary, don't move.

[humming]

[grunts]

I disabled the
bongo. You're safe.

And, in other good news,

Keith's joining us.
He's just parking now.

Um, so, Michelle, my vision
wasn't that I get hit

in the head with a bongo.

I'm about to make
out with Keith.

[gasps] Please don't!

It's already written.

[dramatic sting]

Oh, sh**t.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- I'm so sorry.
- Just, please, don't move.

That was Bacardi 151.
It's extremely flammable.

I'm required to inform
you that if you get near

even a tiny flame,
you'll immediately

be as charred as a
campfire marshmallow.

[dramatic sting]

- I'll get napkins.
- Okay.

And I'll get a fire extinguisher

because our napkins are
also extremely flammable.

I'm just gonna set this order
right here for one second.

Oh, look, the full moon

is officially at
its highest point.

- [dramatic sting]
- [gasps]

Oh, Mary.

I gotta give you a squeeze.

[chuckles] Hey, Keith.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Wait. My earring's
caught. Ow, ow.

Hold on, my earring's
caught. Hold on. Ow, ooh!

♪ ♪

[people singing "Happy
Birthday" in slow motion]

♪ ♪

- Everything's black.
- It's so dark.

[clapping]

- [gasps]
- Stef, are you dead?

Mary? Keith?

You!

♪ ♪

No!

No! [Groans]

[sobs]

I prefer cold cheese sandwiches.

[grumbling]

[bell rings]

Knock, knock, knock.

Look, I'm sure that
whatever happened between us

in the past life was
a misunderstanding.

Let me go back and get
to the bottom of it.

Be my guest.

You know the stairs
that are in your mind?

- Yeah.
- Okay, you go down

that case of stairs,

and then you open that door,

and that's where
your past life is.

- That's what those are for.
- Okay.

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Greta, my good wife.

Thank you for the
fresh yak's milk.

Oh, my hark, we have a customer.

Hail and well met, Edith.

Yep. That's me. I'm Edith.

Bale of hay, you say?

Are you sure your
horse didn't eat it?

Seven, eight.

Oh, boo bos and
barleycorn, she was right!

Here is the tenth
bale. In Thomas' cart!

Knock, knock, knock.
Edith, are you home?

I've an extra bale of hay here.

I'll just leave it
inside of the door.

Oh, Greta. My God!

Oh. Oh.

- What happened?
- I went to your hovel

and you were having
revenge sex with my wife.

What? I was not!

Well, I'm just gonna
have to see for myself.

♪ ♪

What's up, Greta? Oh
God, you're so hot.

Oh. Oh. Helen, you...

Oh, flatten me, Greta.

- Okay, well...
- Oh, Greta.

Yeah.

Is there's a world where
gentiles get Yom Kippur off?

Jeez, put a necktie on
the doorknob, Helen.

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, my little chickadees,

I won.

Wait, wait. He didn't show up?

It was she who didn't show up.

All: Aww.

He told me over breakfast.

He barely touched his frittata,

and he hardly spoke
at the museum.

All: Aww.

- No, don't "aww" for him.
- Okay, he's a bad guy.

He deserves this.
Oh, and get this.

He wants to get a drink with
me tonight to talk about it.

I'm still trying to figure out
the best way to mess with him.

Or you could just get the drink.

The fact that he showed
up at the wedding proves

that you were wrong about him.

Isn't this the chance to
get the father-son scotch

you said you always wanted?

No, Sarika. Okay?

I've made it this far without a
real relationship with my dad.

Why... why would I start now?

I don't want that.

Maybe you could go to watch
him cry and make fun of him.

Ha! [Laughs]

I like that, Heather.

So I guess I probably
deserve to be stood up

after how crappy I was
to you and your mom.

Look, if I'm being honest,

I really hated the idea

of you finding happiness
with another family.

Well, happiness might
be a bit of a stretch.

You know, the, uh, the
witch thing was a lot.

- [chuckles]
- Dress it up all you want.

It's still 90% rock
collecting and drug abuse.

And Max is a constant challenge.

What, uh, happened to him?

He was left in a x-ray machine

for a weekend when
he was little.

Technician took off
and forgot about him.

Tough stuff.

Yeah.

So, Jack, I want to do better.

Well, maybe this is a start.

Sorry, I just...
I have to ask you.

Why did you leave us in the end?

For real.

I think I should have
ordered a double. [Laughs]

Yeah, I'm serious though.

Mom never wanted to talk
about it and I want to know.

And I'm gonna tell you.

So here, get us another round.

If we're about to get
into it, I gotta pee.

Cool.

[chuckles]

[rock music playing on jukebox]

♪ ♪

Sir, your guest just crawled
out the bathroom window,

so you can settle up the
bill whenever you're ready.

[somber music]

I was right all along.

Oh, I called it.

I win. I win.

I win again.

[sighs]