03x29 - Inside Eddie Haskell

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

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1966 to 1992 the ultimen Neil Diamond

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Hits live in 1532 the Spaniard set sail

across the seas and plundered the world

of gold in 1992 the world is going to

Spain to take it back

visiting the Olympics Ric the insurance

with Aussie assist and emergency home

assist was a decision that despite

several psychotic episodes and some

manic depressive tendencies the

congressman should stay in politics but

avoid reelection after his sex change

operation I'll be out of your way in a

second I'm no boom jockey okay what are

you doing in here

look Sigmund I have the highest regard

for your profession but I had to make

sure nobody saw me come in here you'll

have to make an appointment with my

secretary

okay stamp this was a bad idea

I just go home and take out my troubles

on my wife that always makes me feel

better I think I could spare you half an

hour

real leather what a racket Wow

what may I do for you mr. mr. Pascal

Eddie Pascal well I guess the reason I'm

here is that well over all the years

when anything would go wrong

I don't want blame somebody else and

lately I've been thinking that maybe

it's me Oh why do you think that hey

you're getting a little personal aren't

you mr. Pascal if we're gonna get

anywhere you're gonna have to open up a

little all right all right well in all

modesty I'd have to say that I'm an

example to the youth of America handsome

anybody got a cane intelligent pillar of

the community anybody has a problem they

come to me cuz they know that I'm always

there to lend a helping hand

I got a problem with this guy an egg in

his house that stuff wouldn't be enough

nor I can get a good hit man am i

hearing right those words from a

descendent of Ward Cleaver

I know mr. Haskell coz I'm just not

thinking straight

yeah I'll say why use a third party

where's the satisfaction in that

do the job yourself it's the American

Way you challenged him to a fight

are you kidding you sneak up behind a

creep and you hit him with everything

you got that would be fair

what are you bucking for a Nobel Peace

Prize or something come loose enough why

don't you tell Big Daddy your problem

well I invited one girl to a dance now

I've got a better offer what is that all

set for you just play a little game we

operators called ditching the dodo dodo

sure you unload the crow and latch on to

the Dove we snuck out to the carnival

Kelly want a boat would you be referring

to that exquisite sailboat they were

raffling off Oh

our parents find out they'll know we

were there and we weren't supposed to be

what to do what to do I think I have

your answer for you I'll take the top

off your tainted hands and we'll just

keep it our little secret are you sure

we really got it made sure love the

history test is gonna be on World w*r 1

so all we gotta do is write down all the

dates and the battles of the names of

the big shots on a paper towel yeah I

don't know it's gonna work or not lumpy

do you want to get left back again no

all right then stop being a wise guy

look at that you get more turkey at the

rescue mission

home about now all you can smell as

rolls cooking pretty soon grandma bring

out the turkey mr. Rutherford will crack

everybody up at that funny toast over

the lips through the guy hey you know

what I'm doing I'm playing the world's

saddest song on the world's smallest

violin that's the way you feel quit

boring me and go on home my dad found

out he was right this time I'd never

hear the end of it maybe not squirt you

know the old beaver he may not be

obi-wan Kenobi he's got a big heart a

real forgiving nature you think so

you still talking to me isn't he gee

thanks a lot for what got a new sport

jacket I want to wear no you don't get

it you did help me out all right so I

hoped you out so expect you to do

something for me in return like robbing

a bank or something

you're a real neat guy looks trim you

start slobbering over me and I'll slug

you want see what I mean you seem to

have quite a high opinion of yourself oh

that's one thing I never had a problem

with tell me a bit about your childhood

it was wonderful I grew up in the

suburbia of Mayfield enjoying the

respect and admiration of my peers I had

an especially close relationship with my

father hey you better call your parents

and tell him you stand before gonna have

to check in with a warden every time I

make a move a favor stayed overnight in

anybody's house and didn't call my daddy

k*ll me that's why the Connie loves me

so much

why should I do my parents a favor and

call him if you start treating them too

good the next thing you know they'll

start pushing you around or the service

station this mr. Haskell George Haskell

a my monthly statement which came from

your main office shows a battery charge

to my account and according to the

duplicate receipt it was purchased at

your station there in Lynbrook and

signed for by my son Edward Haskell

Edward Haskell yes I do recall him your

son well I mean he's sort of a you have

the right boy last year my pops started

hitting around about military school

about Luna to be neat and getting better

marks but he wasn't getting rid of me

that easy but look at me I'm 13 years

old I've been to five different summer

camps you don't think my old man

spending that kind of money just so I

can have a good time do you so Danny

Pollino did you never took me to the

circus or fishing I was always afraid I

throw you over horse so instead you

decided to make my life a living hell

well thanks a lot hey listen to yourself

I can't believe that a father and son

would talk to each other this way he's

never been a father to me you know I've

never even seen the man naked and what

kind of son of you I can't remember one

time one time what do you ever made me

proud of you how could i nothing I ever

did was good enough for you if I got a B

on a test you'd be mad because it wasn't

an A what did you ever get a B on a test

yeah you're happy Freddie is this what

you wanted

please if you two could just vault these

few emotional hurdles you don't get it

do you the man never cared about me

people who care never say that they

washed their hands of you you never gave

me a choice when the police called me

have told me what you did at the Denver

Zoo

I never meant for anything to happen to

that yak

oh nothing was ever your fault everybody

in the world was wrong except you

not once did I ever see you take

responsibility for your actions that's

not true

I married Kurtz at night so long to wash

my hands of you yeah

the old man's quite a guy I sure hope

when he buys the farm he doesn't stick

me with all his unpaid bills thanks for

your time doctor wait please I've never

met anyone so you're so unique I guess I

do have a little more time go on please

what's this gonna cost me it's on the

house great can we order in some dinner

7:00 buddy what inside so the policeman

can afford to drive around in Ferraris

[Music]

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double-o-double five double three 196 -

where

but remembers those beautiful songs of

yesteryear 17 special songs you are the

wind from Academy Award winners to the

unforgettable favorites

[Music]

you light up my life

17 songs for mothers of all ages from

Tony barber Gregg has a surprise Bobby

Ryan makes his move you should seriously

think about how you walk down the

hallways

what's Finn's mum up to when you were

gonna put in an appearance

Julia Karthik 7 eggs gone 20 years time

and you've completely forgotten about me

I'll still be mourning her Mars presents

hum it away weeknights at 7 on 7 I'd

like to perform a little word

association test fire insurance love

money money happiness pain poverty

French fevers pardon me

the cleaveth oh the cleavers they're my

best friends

salt of the earth types they love me

[Music]

friend is me Wow that's what he's always

telling me but he's kind of a creepy guy

to have for a best friend you got it you

know you're my best friend

alright don't like the lumpy - but I

don't mean it Eddie you were a sneaky

little boy and somebody should have put

you over their knee a long time ago and

you work out some sort of cut-rate deal

so that you can pocket your share of the

money and cheat your friends and then on

top of it you push this clowns lights

out and you drag me into it what kind of

an idiot are you anyway hey what am I on

trial here counselor I must point out

like it or not you are here to defend

mr. Haskell Your Honor I have been

defending him since I was 5 years old

and I am sick of it I say we string him

up

mrs. cleaver you've done something new

to your hair nothing oh it looks very

nice sometimes that kid gets under my

skin I think he's a very nice boy

I don't chip sometimes I'd be working

like crazy in my office and Eddie would

barge in begging me to go down to the

track or go have a beer I got too much

work to do I'd say next thing I know I'd

be throwing back a cold one and yelling

at horses sometimes I'd have to pull an

all-nighter just to get the work done

but it was so much fun it was always

worth it well at least if Wally goes off

to school you'll be away from a tease

influence Eddie who could we blame while

he's gone all right Eddie this is it I

don't know why I'm doing this except

that we go back too far to let your

stupid pride destroy you your family and

our friendship now first thing in the

morning we're gonna go down to the bank

we're gonna refinance your loan so you

can get back in the construction

business where you belong okay really

you'll go along with that absolutely I

know it's not gonna be easy to get back

on my feet I'm gonna have to work hard

and play by the rules but I'll give it

my best shot

you know Eddie just Pat I think you're

really gonna make it well with friends

like you behind me how can I miss

what a pushover woman kitchen sex money

family when you told me about yourself

you mentioned your father but you didn't

say much about your own family I was

just trying to hit the high points I

just might want to get this one on the

tape I'm very disappointed in you you

didn't do your chores today I'm sorry

sir you didn't take out the garbage or

pay my bills and I told you to fire my

secretary she showed up at work again

today hey you called sir about you up

there just about you know when placing

that asbestos isn't quite the breeze you

said it to me come on take a load off

your dogs you know it's been a long time

since you and I had a father/son talk if

that's what this is I believe it'll be

our first one sir

and Freddie you're my favorite son I

know I tell your brother that but I

don't mean yes I think he knows that oh

come on dad you remember b*mber don't

you oh look Wally look who's here it's

b*mber Haskell hmm afternoon sir

and mrs. cleaver it's easy to see where

your daughter gets her beauty and fine

bod well I must be on my way so I'd like

to sit on my tab yeah don't worry about

it

I'll bill you too bad about that little

sleeping chick yeah but we'll even

things up on a Louise so take care sir

oh hey I didn't tell you the good news

we finally saved up enough for that trip

to Hawaii we've always dreamed about

really yeah two weeks condo on the beach

grass skirt stole nine yards

yeah I'm sure your mother will send you

a postcard

[Music]

Kurt you know I like my orange juice

freshly squeezed well honey I squeezed

it myself

last night last night well then it isn't

fresh no is it hi Gert how are you

[Music]

I know you're just gonna knock them dead

tonight honeybunch

which brings us to an unpleasant subject

listen after tonight there's gonna be a

lot of groupies and plenty of temptation

I just want you to know that well when I

give in to it it's nothing personal life

but that doesn't sell albums good it's

very difficult but in a couple of years

I'm gonna have to dump you it's the

natural course of a country stars career

oh you silly boy

I should just spank you oh sure now you

come around ha dad dad you were clearly

robbed if I were you I'd have the

contest held again in another city where

there's no prejudice held against you

doesn't matter because we love you big

deal I'm loved by two people one of whom

has bird legs excuse me George I be the

first to admit my father's not perfect

I'm sure he could be selfish insincere

anxious Eddie from the peanut gallery

Patti and many other things but I'll

tell you something George I've done some

pretty stupid things in my young life

after some of them I'm sure my father

wanted to wash his hands of me when the

chips are down he's always come through

all my life have been trying to win your

approval all I ever heard was Freddie

empty the trash Freddie washed my truck

Freddie do my taxes what did I ever get

in return I got a father who cares more

about a car than he does so son you

think I care more about a paragon of

European engineering excellence of my

own flexion I'll show you

I love you more than Monday Night

Football

happy I love you more than gin rummy I

love you more than ice cream I love you

more than prison movies dreamy long

showers three-day weekends kickboxing

I love you more than anything else on

this earth love you more than kickboxing

very proud of you son you've never said

that to me before sir there's been a

couple of times I've wanted to okay I

don't express myself well with words did

it make you real uncomfortable

fine hug me

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[Music]

Neil Diamond's 37 brightest songs and a

48 page booklet at the incredible low

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won't find a better Neil Diamond

Collection plus you have a music video

Greatest Hits live that's everything

I've told you things that has never told

another human being well I say that -

Wally - but I don't really mean it but

this certainly has been a very emotional

journey for me - what do you think well

this is just your first visit these

things take a great deal of time hey

come on Doc I got a know is there

something wrong with me or not give it

to me straight I think you are one of

the most narcissistic egocentric

paranoid and anally fixated sociopaths

I've ever encountered in all my years of

psychiatry is that good or bad you're a

very sick man oh yeah well you may have

all of these diplomas but it's obvious

you don't know beans about Edward

Haskell as a matter of fact I think

you're jealous of me yeah that's it

hey Satchmo if you think I'm gonna let

you bask in my are up run now or every

week you ought to have your head

examined

I have another thing 75 cents and you

couch and I'm gonna keep it

[Music]

a gross cartoon connection is next on

seven this week on home and away wedding

bells cause nothing but trouble when

Greg and Bobbie set a date for the big

day

meanwhile Blake and Julia have a major

disagreement and Adam gets himself in a

deep trouble without bets home-and-away

7 o'clock weeknights on 7

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