04x13 - What Has Four Legs and Flies?

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each teletrac family has this box that

records everything we watch we also have

a diary in which we faithfully record

which programs we view now here's a

typical two-hour block okay do we have

cartoons cartoons oriental deaf theatre

oh here's the linguini I had for lunch

so in conclusion we the cleaver family

take pride in the fact that we are

shaping a television viewing habits of

the American people and besides we get a

free trash compactor thank you

any questions Oliver aren't tell a jury

family supposed to keep their identities

confidential well yeah but and I

wouldn't have anything to talk about for

two minutes

Thank You Oliver and I do hope you

acquire some new interest between now

and your five-minute speech and now

we'll hear from Dorsey Thomas

that's what I do

Thank You mr. this Plus this equals this

in order to reach my level of a question

excellence enormous sacrifices had to be

made and my parents have made them all

I've had the best horses the best riding

habits and the best trainers to enhance

my natural skills gh virtually has two

minutes I don't feel like my exceptional

riding capabilities at age six when my

father took me to my first horse show

Kip why are you in here when the TV is

on in the den grandma I can't

concentrate on my homework with the TV

on well then why didn't you turn it off

cuz I'm building ratings for uncle Andy

uncle Andy they brought that old show

back all the way for six weeks but if

the ratings are high enough they're

gonna bring him back for good

I remember your father used to watch

uncle Andy at lunch he'd laugh so hard

they didn't choke on T soup when you get

out of jail he didn't

he's on a work release program but he is

up for parole

well if anyone deserves a second chance

it's uncle Andy the things that man

could do with seltzer it was so gross

even miss Alcott when I just knocked on

her she thinks she's so hot horsey

Dorsey Thomas this obnoxious girl in our

school everybody hates her why she rich

smart or pretty pretty sickening all she

ever does is brag about all the trophies

she's won riding in horse shows and our

doctor used her nose job for his

brochure I'm twice the writer she is hey

Kelly why don't you just enter the next

horse show and beat her that shut up old

horsie Dorsey you guys don't understand

it's not that easy to get good enough to

compete you have to have your own horse

and that's really expensive well how can

she afford it

both our parents remarried well so Kelly

how are things going between your

parents Holly look Kelly you know

okay but even if they do stay married

your parents can afford it hurry up it's

you bet about them yeah Kel what a

Chaska believe me I have a million times

what do they say well when I was younger

my dad would say what do you need a

horse for they need to get down on his

knees and asked me if I want to go for a

ride when I enter and he just mumbled

something about his bad back well maybe

they don't realize how serious you are I

think nine years of begging has made my

point don't at least feel guilty sure

every time I ask for a horse I get a new

sweater

my dad gave me a car for a year but

closest I've come as a bottle of Camaro

aftershave that's because you're such a

nag what come on

when Dad keeps bugging us do we do what

he wants no believe me when it comes to

parents you've got to use psychology

wait a minute all you may have a point

maybe I've just been pushing their own

buttons yeah no I'm gonna be the best

daughter they ever had

fifty-three dollars for dinner and

nothing was edible that's the last time

we listen to a skinny food critic

flowers a fruit basket our beds turned

down here we in the right house please

place your breakfast order outside door

Kelly is really bucking for that horse

she sure is

she weeded the lawn and conked all the

bathtubs oh you think we spring this

thing out honey she's our daughter not

hired help yeah I know I guess you're

right so what'd you want for breakfast

well incest or Belgian waffles I really

think we should get her the horse I

don't know run out of excuses but we

can't afford it if we can afford your

t-bird and $50 dinners we can afford a

horse besides she deserves it she's a

good student she's an excellent rider

and she's very responsible let's say we

get her a horse who's gonna take care of

her she will she loves grooming horses

she loves doing it when she doesn't have

to afraid o is the theft horse is gonna

turn into a full table shop carefully we

should be able to tell the difference

no I mean is every guy wants a pool

table his whole life and then he finally

gets one and he's down there in the

basement racking and crackin every night

for about a month then he just sits

there gathering dust well I think it's

good for is folding laundry on if I knew

that it bothered you that much I

wouldn't have folded the laundry iron

it's a bad analogy I just like to see

how committed Kelly is hey how about if

we lease her a horse and see how that

goes

Molly a horse is a pet would you rent a

dog I just want to make sure that Kelly

knows what she's getting into that's all

horse needs daily attention and plenty

of it

hmm probably direction one okay what if

she works at the stables for a while to

see how she handles it that's a good

idea

yeah then after five six years one month

is fine well II okay okay you win look

uh let's not tell her right away

you getting kind of used to these

chocolates on my pillow

Kevin put your head through I am dishes

to do longer dress me like your teeth

what's wrong with my taste everything

matches well my goodness

Kevin don't you guys not see how was

your breakfast

it was delicious honey Oh crane I've

never had fresh-squeezed cranberry juice

before Mike well then it was six hours

well spent

yeah honey we want you to know how much

we appreciate your helping us around the

house so much yeah but a horse is a

whole new level of responsibility

Wallace

Mary Ellen a child whose name escapes me

what do you want Eddie listen I was able

to secure this mantel from this sucker

over on Maple Street look perfect Frank

Darrin Eddie we don't want a new mantel

yeah I know but I know what guys don't

want yours you mind with a little family

discussion you're always in the middle

of a family discussion

mr. house go please well I think my

parents are trying to buy me a horse and

I don't mean to be rude but you're

wrecking it force some mother why don't

you just let her teach I through Europe

look honey if if you did have a horse

well you know it wouldn't be easy I mean

you'd have to keep your grades up and

you wouldn't have as much time for

things like the telephone boys shopping

that's okay I have all this Twitter's I

need we just don't want you to get in

over your head so we thought it would be

wise if you worked at the stables first

yeah yeah then after a long time one

hunt all right one month if you still

thought you wanted a horse then we'd get

you one this is worse than United Way

commercials

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that easy getting me a job here grandma

the owner is one of those old guys who's

always in a bad mood

this is cleaver what a glorious surprise

to see you off the golf course it sure

is a hole-in-one kind of day

well now Wilton please you must call me

Julie all right round here everybody

calls me doc except the horses they call

me my granddaughter Kelly I've seen you

around but I never made the connection I

must say beauty surely runs in your

family

now that's most kind doc you know the

reason I'm here to try to get Kelly a

job her parents have agreed to buy her a

horse but until they make that kind of

an investment they want to be sure that

she can handle a responsibility really

well that makes horse sense to me

I've seen you ride and you know your way

around a barn but I hope you're not

afraid of hard work

no sir Oh wash groom feet shovel can I

squeeze a mean cranberry well there's

not much call for that around here but

oh now the owner of this film is looking

for a groom why don't we go to dinner

tonight and discuss the possibility I'd

love to know I was talking to you

adrenaline Oh she'd love to all right

now it's all set

pick you up at 8:00 and I'll see you

here every day right after school

thanks doc hmm Oh all right you get to

meet your new boss now

Dorsey want you to meet your new groom

ah yes look Kelly cleaver she'll do just

fine

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Oh whee discussion over

I'm watching the TV movie save it two

hours Jacqueline Smith gets the disease

and dies a better person for it okay

watch I wanna watch female collegiate

mud wrestling I want the people that

tell a jury to think we have better

taste than that really dad

these are students these poor girls need

our support absolutely not

hey why don't we compromise watch the

NBA game on the superstation look we'll

do this like a democracy one man one

vote I vote mud wrestling I vote

basketball you guys don't seem to

understand I'm the man who's this no

thanks Eddie

okay but my grandfather always said

raise a welt raise the solid citizen

come on guys once you go upstairs and

read a book a book I'd rather take the

belt dad come on I think I see what your

problem is this tell a jury thing is

disrupting your whole family from what

we got a free trash compactor a free

trash compactor oh lucky you you deserve

more out of this deal hey there's gotta

be some big-time so Garchomp we're out

in Hollywood that would reward you

handsomely to watch that sludge they put

on the air well watch whatever sludge we

want

I'm picky Kelly up at the stable I'll be

back in a minute wait a minute grandma

I'll go with you

this place is too democratic for me a

good evening mrs. Krieger may I say that

Eddie I'm in a hurry

anyway you fly me up to Tinseltown first

class I'll make a few deals on your

behalf

let's split the profit we don't want any

part of your sleazy deals looked you're

gonna be watching this garbage anyway I

say why not get paid for it because it's

dishonest so what's your point

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just give me a minute to finish up I

want everything to be perfect for

Saturday show it take your time

grandma's got a book hide or see you did

this I've been knowing it all day you

idiot

I wanted it polished what's the

difference if you have to ask maybe I

should get another groom now strip it

and do it over and while you're at it

must this stall it smells or at least I

think it's the stall I'm gonna k*ll her

wait don't lose your job I'm young I can

start over k*ll you want your own horse

or not of course but we'll stick it out

look you've only got a week to go and

then you really want to get her back got

a friend that works in the cafeteria

I guess you're right thanks Holly you

want me to help you

sure I'll finish the saddle and you can

muck out the stall okay um what exactly

is muck you'll figure it out

Dorsey Thomas is coming to the final

jump

excellent Drive Dorothy ladies and

gentlemen that concludes the qualifying

round I'm only sitting third after the

opening round can you imagine the other

girls paid off the judges did you notice

any trouble getting princess to jump you

know well nothing I can't handle that

legs a little swollen so don't you think

we should have a vet look at it or at

least doc what do you know about it

you're just jealous because you can't

compete what I do know is that if she

was my horse it wouldn't risk hurting

her forever just to win a dumb riding

ribbon well she's not your horse she's

my horse now mind your own business and

get her ready for the final

report to the West Bank

Dorsey Thomas third after the fire she

rides a six year old mare but it was too

light and Georgia red

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so call dr. Sanders from the stables

still ask me mom to go on that golf tour

to Switzerland now he called to say he

was sorry he had to fire Kelly today

fire Kelly why well it turns out that

dorsey's horse was hurt and it was

Kelly's fault

I speed heart hi honey

you okay yeah you listen I heard about

what happened today you want to talk

about it no thanks

I'm gonna go up to my room and develop

some new interests

I hear stamp collecting fun maybe I'll

start a River Phoenix fan club I'm so

sorry I know how much you wanted this

this really wasn't your fault

I think we put too much pressure on you

and I know you feel bad now but remember

we love you and you'll always be our

little baby pumpkin rabbit jump blame it

on me that dot believe her story over

mine and I got fired

honey that's Apple I'm sorry okay but

you can't let being fired stop you look

at Billy Martin well what I mean is all

you lost is a job and the horse

well now let's look at that we wanted

you to work in the stables for a month

right not only lasted three weeks but

you didn't quit yeah I was fired honey

we had you work at the stables to show

us that you understood the

responsibilities of owning a horse if

you care more for a horse than its owner

does then you're probably ready for one

of your own do you mean it maybe we

should get a dog and see how they of

course we're gonna get you a horse

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Burke the jerk is about to become

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let her rip

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awesome Nataly smash here we go

Thank You Buster four months

good idea hi guys hey we got the new

trash compactors great radio I finally

got a cord for it we haven't seen it for

a while

happily Allie no no not for weeks

oh well it'll turn up

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there's plenty of cartoon fun next with

a gross cartoon connection followed by

mr. Edie and there's plenty of giggles

tonight when oak the jerk wins a heart

on Family Matters then Eppie loses her

memory and Acropolis now the fun begins

7:30 tonight on 7

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