01x20 - Beauty and the Beat

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing]

Check this out.

-[glass shatters]
-[cat screeches]

-[siren blaring]
-[tires screech]

-[cow moos]
-[bagpipes playing]

[Dad]
What's going on up here?

Joe, did you just break a window
with a shoe, that then hit a cat,

causing a British ambulance to crash,

which then scared a cow,
who sat on a fat guy playing bagpipes?

No, that was my ringtone.

Hello?
It's for you.

Hello? Yeah, hold on.
It's for you.

Hello? Oh yeah, he's right here.
Hold on.

-Hey, Dad, it's for you.
-Hello?

-Oh, hey, what's going on?
-Is there really somebody on the phone?

I don't know.
You tell me, Shoeless Joe.

I'll pay for the window.

[soft chuckle]

Oh, hey, Joe. Your phone.

-[yells]
-[thuds]

He's good.

-[theme music playing]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was sitting at home ♪

♪ Watching TV all alone ♪

♪ So tired of routines ♪

♪ The day goes on and on ♪

♪ So I pick up the phone ♪

♪ Call everyone I know ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a party ♪

♪ Hit the music, here we go, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

[groans]
Kevin, it's been ten minutes.

Will you please just go?

Just so you know, no matter how long
you stare at those letters,

they're not gonna change.

Then how did my "Q" just become an "O"?

-Because I gave that to you.
-Just go already.

-What are you guys playing?
-"Word Hole."

It's that Belgian board game
we did the commercial for.

[announcer speaks German]

[speaking German]

Word Hole!

-Cool. Can I play?
-[Joe] Sure.

Too late 'cause I have
a seven-letter word and I win!

"Plobnrg"?

-That's not a word.
-Sure it is.

-All right, then what does it mean?
-"Plobnrg" means "awesome."

Like, "Hi, I'm Kevin.

I just won the board game.
I'm so plobnrg."

Guys, the band just got
an exciting offer.

It's totally plobnrg.

How would you boys like to be the judges
at the Miss Most Amazing Teen Competition?

Oh, yeah.
Please? Now?

Awesome.
That'd be so cool.

Actually, we find those contests to be
just glorified beauty pageants.

-Right, gentlemen?
-And superficial and demeaning.

And it sends a bad message
to those hotties... young women.

Yeah, and I guess I'd agree
with all that junk you guys just said.

Guys, spare me.

Beauty contests are the only outlet
for those poor, pathetic pageant girls

whose sole talent is
walking in a straight line and waving.

Pageants don't bother me.

All right, well, I mean, in that case...

-I'm in.
-Let's do it for the hotties.

-[Kevin] Let's do it.
-[muttering indistinct]

[clears throat]
Good... to go.

So, uh... those must be the girls.

Where?
Oh, there.

I didn't notice. Whoa.

Oh!
Hello, gentlemen.

I'm pageant director Maggie Belle Seward.

Welcome to the Kream-o Dog Food Superdome,

home to this year's
Miss Most Amazing Teen Competition.

[laughing]

Yes!
[laughs]

Saturday night, this is where
you will be sitting and judging.

-[watch beeps]
-Oh, ticky-tock. It's 4:00.

It's time for me to look in the mirror
and give myself a pep talk.

[laughs]
Otherwise, I start crying.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

-Why are we clapping?
-I have no idea.

She is great!

Wow.

Look at all these girls.
They're so good looking.

Joe, they've got a lot more
going for them than their looks.

All right, they're poised, intelligent.

Look at her.
She's really intelligent.

Which one?
I think they're all geniuses.

I think we should probably go
introduce ourselves.

I'll start.

We are the judges.
We have to be impartial.

In fact, we should have no communication
with any of those girls whatsoever.

-I totally agree.
-Where's Joe?

Well, as a judge, it's my duty
to remain impartial...

[whispers]
But I'm definitely voting for you.

[chuckles]

Next!

Hi. Well, as a judge,
it's my duty to remain impartial...

[whispers]
But I'm definitely voting for you.

[Nick]
No, you're not.

Joe, you can't keep promising every girl

-you're gonna vote for her.
-Fine.

Where's Kevin?

As a judge, I have to be impartial, but...

I'm voting for you.
Shh, don't tell anybody...

Those girls...

[rock music playing]

-[glass shatters]
-[cat screeches]

-[siren blaring]
-[tires screech]

-[cow moos]
-That's me.

[bagpipes playing]

-[beeps]
-Look, one of the contestants

just sent me a picture of herself

playing flute for senior citizens
while saving puppies.

-Wow.
-What a generous, caring attractive--

-What are you doing?
-[cracks]

Oh!

You could've just deleted the photo.

So, how's the Miss Most Pathetic
Teen Competition going?

It's the Most Amazing Teen Competition.

-Duh.
-She knows that.

It's cool. These girls actually have
a lot more going for them than you think.

Oh, how sweet... and naive.

-They don't.
-You just don't understand

'cause you're not the pageant type.

What do you mean
I'm not the pageant type?

He just means that
these girls are beautiful...

-And graceful...
-And really talented.

Not that you're not all those things.

Those girls are nothing but a bunch of
bubble-headed gorgeous robots.

If I wanted to, I could win that pageant
with half my brains tied behind my back.

Wait a minute,
half your brains hanging out

battling a bunch of beautiful robots?

Now that is a competition
I would pay to see.

I don't need a pageant to tell me that

I'm just as pretty and talented
as any of those girls,

not to mention feminine, demure
and very, very delicate.

Make a hole!

[man on TV]
Busy five-game slate last evening...

-The front-running Flyers...
-Hmm.

-What are you doing?
-I'm practicing judging.

Really? Hmm.

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

[Stella] Gentlemen...

the next Miss Most Amazing Teen...

[mimics cheering]
Stella Malone.

[softly]
Thank you. Thank you so much.

What are you doing?

I have officially entered
the competition.

-What?
-How did you even get in?

The deadline for entries was weeks ago.

For some reason, Maggie Belle
decided to allow one extra girl

into the competition this year.

[razor buzzing]

I'm gonna beat these bubble-headed
beauty bots at their own game. [laughs]

-Not that I care.
-Way to go.

-That's a good attitude.
-You've got to be in it to win it.

You should really go for it.

[sing-songy]
You guys are the best!

[announcer] This Saturday it's
the Miss Most Amazing Teen Competition

with special guest judges, Jonas!

Don't miss five-time pageant champion,
Carrie Sue North,

as she takes on all comers.

For me, it's not about the competition.

It's about enjoying
the company of other girls

who are almost as most amazing as me.

See you Saturday night.

[announcer]
Watch her do that Saturday on stilts.

I don't think Stella knows
what she's gotten herself into.

This is not gonna end well.

Whoever told her to go for this
is a real doorknob.

And, yes, I know it was me.

[chattering]

[Joe] Look at her. She has no idea
she's in way over her head.

What are we gonna do?!

It's easy.
We're the judges.

-We just vote for her.
-We can't vote for Stella

if she's not the best, no matter
how humiliating it may be for her.

-We've got to talk her out of this.
-Yup.

Hey, guys.
Do you like my shoes?

-I dyed them to compliment my eyes.
-Nice match.

Stella, we want to talk to you
about the competition.

Nick...

Are you sure that you know
what you're doing?

These girls have been doing this
since they were five years old.

They're like beauty pageant sharks.

They swim up to their competitor,
and then rip her guts out,

and then chew and gnaw
until there's nothing--

-We get it! We get it, Kevin.
-OK, look.

If you guys are worried about me
becoming shark food, don't.

I know the secret to winning these things.

It's the final question.

All those bubbleheads are all,

"I personally believe
that only through recycling

will we ever attain world peace."

I'm gonna give 'em an answer
with some real meat on its bones.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to work on my evening gown.

Well, if I were you, I'd work on
getting rid of that zit on your nose.

[fake coughs]
Loser.

Oh, I happen to know that I'm zit-less,

but you should really get that piece
of spinach between your teeth.

Nice try.
Yeah, yeah.

-[beeps]
-Dental team, code three!

-[mumbling]
-That was fast.

-Yeah.
-Wow.

[rock music playing]

[announcer]
Live from the Kream-o Dog Food Arena,

it's the 18th annual
Miss Most Amazing Teen Competition.

Here's your host, Mark DeCarlo!

Hello, everyone,
I'm Mark DeCarlo.

Welcome to the show.
Tonight we are truly honored

to have an incredible panel
of celebrity judges.

From the hottest band in the world, Jonas.

-Please welcome Joe, Nick and Kevin.
-[crowd cheering]

All right.
We've got our judges.

You've got me.
What are we missing?

The lovely ladies!
Let's meet them. Shall we?

-[pop music playing]
-[cheering continues]

[ripping]

[Stella gasps]

[laughs]

[chuckles]

[groans]

[applauding]

Wow.

[announcer] And now,
twirling the batons, Miss Alabama.

-[sneezes]
-[batons thudding]

[crowd murmuring]

[sneezes]

[announcer] Luggage packing,
Miss North Carolina.

-[zipping]
-[Kevin] Wow.

[cheering]

Our next contestant
in the talent competition

is Miss Stella Malone.
Stella's talent is multi-texting.

-Tell us about it, Stella.
-I hope she came up with a good talent.

She's been doing great so far.

Please don't stink.
Please don't stink.

[rapid-fire clicking]

[cell phones buzzing and beeping]

"I'm so gonna win. Love, Stella."

Wow!

[applauding and cheering]

-Incredible.
-Whoo!

Coming up next, our final question.

But first a word from our sponsor.

Word Hole:
The plobnrg Belgian word game

that's sweeping the nation.

[announcer speaking German]

[speaks German]

Word Hole!

[hair dryer whirring]

Who put graham crackers in my foundation?

[girls giggling]

All right, ladies.

You have been messing with me all night.

But you know what? That's OK,
because it means you're scared of me.

-Oh?
-Now it's time for the final question

and the winner is going to be
someone with a brain.

So, maybe if you all
put your heads together,

you can come up with one.

-[scoffs]
-See you in the spotlight.

Stop, stop.

Can you believe how good
Stella's been doing?

All she has left now
is the final question.

And we know she's gonna ace that.

Congratulations to our contestants
for getting this far.

And now, it's time for our final question.

So much of their score depends on how
the ladies answer their final question,

that it renders everything that has
happened in the show up to this point

completely meaningless.

Backstage we played rock-paper-scissors

to determine who would flip a coin
to discover which two contestants

would thumb wrestle to be the first
to answer the final question.

Then we realized that was ridiculous

and decided to just pick a name
out of this glass bowl.

[drum roll]

Stella Malone, come on down.

[cheering and applause]

All right. Stella Malone,
this is your final question.

"In your opinion,
what is the most pressing problem

facing our country today?"

[dramatic music playing]

Stella, we're on television.

Uh...
[giggles]

Uh... I personally believe that, uh...

today's most pressing problem is,

uh, US Americans are unable to do so

because some people
out there in our nation

-don't have maps.
-[crowd murmuring]

And I believe our education,
such as in Africa and the Australia...

Everywhere, like, such as...

And should help the Australia
and the Europes.

World peace.

OK, time for our next contestant.

[people chatting]

[sobbing]

And look, if it's not
the little geography major.

Like I've always said,
girls who aren't pageant types

shouldn't compete in pageants.
Toodles.

-[announcer] Europes!
-[girls laughing]

Stella, we voted for you in our hearts.

But, technically,
we had to use the ballots.

So, it's only officially
that you're a loser.

Thank you.

Gosh, I don't know what happened.
I mean, I just completely blanked.

I looked out in the audience
and all I saw were--

-Headlights?
-Yeah.

-And I just felt like--
-A deer in them.

Yeah.
You guys were right.

I should've known
I don't belong here with these girls.

It's like you said, the only reason

these girls are so good
at these competitions

is because it's all
they've got going for them.

Yeah, that and all the boyfriends,

and fancy cars, and big houses,
and the magazine covers...

[sighs]
Sorry. Oh, and the movie deals.

Stella, I think you're beautiful,
and really funny,

and way cooler
than any of these girls here.

Really?

You... you think I'm beautiful, Joe?

-I meant we all do.
-It doesn't matter.

This thing's going to be
all over the internet.

By tomorrow morning the whole world
is gonna be laughing at me.

[sobbing]

We should've tried harder
to talk her out of this.

We can't let this happen
to our best friend.

-We have to fix this.
-[Stella wails]

At least she cries like a winner.

[rock music playing]

[kids laughing]

Everybody is watching the video.

I'm going to have to move to a town
where there's no internet.

I'm going to be going
to school on a donkey.

All right,
before you go donkey shopping,

why don't you check out
what everyone's really watching?

It's not what you think, OK?
Watch.

-[rock music playing]
-I personally believe that

uh, today's most pressing problem is, uh,

that US Americans are unable--

♪ It all makes sense ♪

♪ Everybody listen to the words she says ♪

♪ Heading towards a consequence ♪

♪ For every bit of ignorance
Incompetence ♪

♪ It's time for us to work it out ♪

♪ We've got to work, work it out ♪

♪ Before the day is done... ♪

Such as in Africa and the Australia--

♪ We've got to read a bit stronger ♪

♪ Because we'll need it
When tomorrow comes ♪

Everywhere, like, such as--

-♪ We've got to work ♪
-♪ Work ♪

♪ Work it out ♪

And I personally believe--

♪ We've got to work ♪

-♪ Work ♪
-♪ Work it out ♪

Because some people out there
in our nation don't have maps.

♪ She made her point ♪

♪ Building up the courage
Just to raise her voice ♪

♪ Heading towards a consequence ♪

♪ For every bit of ignorance
Incompetence ♪

♪ It's time for us to work it out ♪

-♪ We've got to work ♪
-♪ Work ♪

♪ Work it out ♪

You guys actually found a way
to make my flub look cool.

There's already over
eight million hits on the video,

plus, people don't even care
what happened at the pageant.

I don't know how to thank you guys.

-It was nothing.
-Yeah.

We just stayed up all night
writing a song,

recording it, assembling a camera crew
and editing all the footage together.

But it was... it was really nothing.

Oh...

You guys are the best. Thank you.

I mean, you know how much
I hate looking silly.

-[shrieks]
-[camera phones clicking]

-I'll go write a song.
-I'll call the camera crew.

I wish there was
a falling-in-the-trashcan competition.

She would be so good at that.
Right, guys?

[cameras clicking]

[man on TV] And only one of the monkeys
had a driver's license.

Turning to teen pageant news,
the winner of this weekend's

Miss Most Amazing Teen Competition
was Carrie Sue--

[TV shuts off]

Stella, we could just
watch something else.

No, no, no, no, it's fine.

I just... [groans]
I can't listen to anymore pageant stuff.

I've had it up to here
with sashes and crowns.

I never want anything to do
with pageants ever, ever again.

See you at school.

[thuds]

[man on TV]
Unfortunately, Carrie Sue broke down

under the stress of being
a five-time champion,

and threw up on the president.

Looks like Jonas
will have to pick another winner.

[pop music playing]

[giggles]

Well, hello, boys.