Arena Wars (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Novak takes

a devastating blow to the jaw

from Calypso

and he is down.

Three minutes left

in the round,

and Calypso is coming in

for the k*ll,

and this could be...

Novak,

with the evasive maneuver!

Oh!

Let's go,

you n*zi piece of sh*t.

I've never seen

a comeback like that

since Pretty Boy beat

the Kamikaze Twins back in 2038.

-I'm free!

-Wow!

Cutie Pie back for the k*ll.

I tell you Samson,

I haven't seen bloodlust

like this since Season 10,

when Thrustkill won

eight consecutive matches

without a single scratch.

You remember Thrustkill, right?

I had every Thrustkill poster

on my wall growing up.

I sold my son's Thrustkill

action figures on eBay

for ten Bitcoins when he died.

I f*cked Thrustkill in 2030

after a match.

Best sex I ever had.

You know what,

where's Cutie Pie?

I like Cutie Pie--

Cutie Pie, if you see this,

I have a fantastic sponsorship

opportunity for you.

No, sir, I don't think

this is the time or place.

Tune in next week

for a fresh batch

of institutionalized gladiators

fighting for their freedom,

and place your bets at...

...Arena Wars.

Bam.

Thrustkill.

Those were the days,

huh, Gideon?

People are losing

their bloodlust.

Yeah, but we still do

exceedingly well in syndication.

Syndication-based crypto.

Keeps the brand alive,

but doesn't grow it.

How can we make death

exciting to the masses again?

We could do

audience participation.

Too many lawsuits.

Thrustkill had a knack

for living up to his name.

Which is why we...

I don't know, Gideon.

There has to be a way.

How do we win back the audience?

Lights out, Bender.

Mr. Luke Bender.

You've served 10 years of

a 200-year sentence.

Tell me, Mr. Bender, do you--

do you feel that

you've been rehabilitated?

Define rehabilitated.

Rehabilitation could be defined

as the restoration of a person

back to health,

or a normal life,

by training or therapy.

Therapy.

You've received therapy here

from Staff Psychiatrist

Dr. Nelson, correct?

If being called a piece of sh*t

for an hour

and punching a wall all night is

what you would call therapy,

then, yeah.

Consider me rehabilitated.

You're having violent outbursts?

What do you think?

Again,

do you consider yourself

rehabilitated?

That answers that.

Um--

That's unfortunate.

We have

a new rehabilitation program

we could have offered you.

Mr. Simmons,

could you escort Mr. Bender out

and bring in the next person,

please, thank you.

Copy that.

Yo, Bender.

Got an incoming transmission.

Secure line.

Patch it in.

Patching in.

Good morning, Luke.

Good morning.

Taking your frustrations

out on the wall again, I see.

It'll work for now.

How'd that parole hearing go?

Botched.

Intentionally.

Mm, good.

Still got that sense of duty.

That's why they picked me.

How's Arianna?

You know that's off-limits.

Yeah, I know.

Thought I'd try

to catch you off-guard.

I'll tell you when

we're on speaking terms again.

We had a falling out.

She'll get over it.

Thank you.

Take care, Luke.

Mr. Arturo Perez.

You've served

15 years of a life sentence.

Tell me, Mr. Perez, do you feel

that you've been rehabilitated?

Would you prefer that I...

feign humility...

or do you want the truth?

You've been found guilty

on 57 counts of m*rder.

Um...

Mr. Perez, your plea bargain

has been expunged.

Your sentence, upgraded.

Ever hear of

the Arena Wars, Arturo?

Contestants are all

hand-picked from death row,

which qualifies you.

Their scouts sent over

a psychological profile.

You're exactly

what they're looking for.

This could be

a way out, Mr. Arturo.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine and 10.

Toes on the line!

You are here

because life chewed you up,

spit you out...

and then lapped your sorry asses

up off the floor.

The parole board

has offered you a ticket out.

Win Arena Wars...

win your freedom.

Seven arenas

with seven of

the most vicious K*llers

the world has seen

in the last decade.

Didn't know we signed up for

a g*dd*mn stand-up show, too.

I'm dead serious, people.

I've been in there.

Caught myself a 100-year stint

the day I came home on leave.

Found my wife

banging the neighbor.

Next thing you know,

double homicide.

What can you do?

It builds character.

Die in the arena...

and it's a lot more glamorous

than that sh*t they're going to

put in your veins.

But...

you make it out alive,

you get to go home.

Any questions?

What about weapons?

Your feet.

Your hands.

And most importantly, your head.

You go in as a group,

and you fight as a group.

You go in rogue,

you're going to get shredded.

Sounds impossible.

Can't be a fair fight

with these guys

without a weapon.

That's what I used to think,

until I actually did it.

I made it out...

and so can you.

Welcome to Arena Wars.

Welcome to the next

exciting episode of...

...Arena Wars.

I'm your host, Stephen Samson,

and with me, as always,

is the ever-exciting,

ever-single,

former heavyweight champion

of the world,

Joe Moses Johnson.

Thank you, Samson.

And with that,

let's meet our new round

of Arena Wars gladiators,

fresh from

the most high-security

supermax prisons

from around the world.

Nero.

This smooth criminal

comes to us

straight from Guantanamo Bay.

Serving a 250,000-year sentence

for the 2040 m*rder

of the entire U.N.,

and a far more serious offense

of not filing his taxes in 2028.

I've been through that.

Me too.

Counter-Strike!

Plucked straight from Olasia

prison in Saudi Arabia,

this unique w*r criminal

not only has

one of the world's

highest recorded IQs,

but developed a suit

that harvests the adrenaline

in his own body

and recycles it

back to his body.

Where the heck

can I get one of those?

We got 'em at Walmart.

Meat Wagon!

This tough customer

got his reputation

as Staten Island's most

trusted neighborhood butcher

before local authorities

uncovered the corpses

of 100 missing children

in his boiler room.

I always knew

Staten Island had great veal...

but I never knew

what the secret was.

He did.

Master Blaster!

This former president of

the Unabomber Fan Club

gained notoriety

by bombing Yankee Stadium

during the 2036 World Series

after k*lling the security staff

with a chainsaw.

Rumor has it he was

a frustrated Texas Rangers fan,

who thought that

that was their year.

Which brings us

to Mister Smiles.

Nothing fancy here.

Just your good old-fashioned

local weirdo

with an aptitude of beating

nubile college coeds to death.

Pretty nasty!

Hell yeah!

And, of course,

our returning champions.

Yeah!

Calypso and Cutie Pie.

These two really need

no introduction.

Both have been in the game

for the entire season.

Calypso with seven dozen kills

and Cutie Pie with...

House record.

100.

That's a lot of damage.

What is this, a pep talk?

I hope not.

Can you believe that

people watch his sh*t?

No way, brother.

I mean, it's like

Dancing with the Stars

back in the day, you know?

-sh*t TV.

-Hey.

I'd rather be on--

I like that show, man.

Oh, oh, I'm finding

a whole new side to you, Perez.

You? A dancer?

Hey, let me tell you something,

I got some moves.

Well, if I had done that

and not crochet club,

maybe I'd be rehabilitated.

I mean, I'm not allowed

to play with needles no more.

Yeah, I get it.

When I had this girl

out in the world,

we'd be dancing every weekend

like we were

high school sweethearts.

You know what?

You've had my back

since I landed in this place.

And, uh, while you have

really questionable taste

in associates,

you're a good man.

A survivor.

Tough as f*ck.

But a good man.

You're getting out of here.

You're getting that dance.

Two minutes, people!

Two minutes!

What's up, b*tches?

This is Holly Daze coming

to you live from the Arena.

Our new batch of contestants

come to you

from the federal lockup in DC.

So you know this is going to be

one expl*sive night!

Quickly, quickly!

Christ, is that supposed

to make us feel comfortable?

Toes on the line!

Oh, I almost forgot.

Turn to the right!

The hell is that,

a flu shot?

It ain't flu season yet,

Hargraves.

Little insurance policy

for the producers.

Let's just say you screw up

and break the rules,

policy pays up.

-W-- wait, what rules?

-Just use your head.

You'll figure it out.

-Stay there.

-You paid by the hour, as*h*le.

I paid for the night,

and not for you to talk.

Stay there.

f*ck.

Hope I'm not interrupting

anything?

No. Turn it up.

I want the table

to shake under her a*s.

Douchebag.

Hey.

Those nerves aren't gonna

help you in here, kid.

Yeah-- yeah, I just gotta

collect my thoughts, that's all.

Hey.

You don't need

to gather your thoughts.

You're a lifer.

You need to focus.

I-- I'm not supposed to be here.

-I-- I didn't do anything.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

None of us are supposed

to be in here.

And you don't see us

pissing our pants, do you?

-N-- no, I'm just--

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Embrace it.

-Do you understand?

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

Hey, just man up.

I'll give it a shot.

f*ck.

Jesus.

-It's kind of funny, huh?

-What's that?

We did what we did.

Our only way out of this

is to k*ll people on live TV.

That's what they call a paradox.

Doesn't sound much

like rehabilitation, does it?

Sounds more like, uh,

innocence through guilt, or--

Ooh, how about

justice through m*rder?

All right, people,

this is it.

Line up, two by two.

Let's go!

Hey, wait, this is--

this it, just like that?

Just like that. Come on, kid.

Are you ready?

Are you set?

You can't make me do this.

It's go time, b*tches!

Say "cheese," m*therf*ckers!

- Go, go, go, come on, over here.

- Go,.

Get out

of my f*cking face!

Seriously,

what the f*ck is going on?

Are we on

Dancing with the Convicts?

Oh, we just got dropped into

a f*cking slaughterhouse.

Hey, hey, hey. Easy.

I'm freaking the f*ck out

right now.

Listen to me.

Get your sh*t together,

or these men will

f*cking k*ll you.

I will f*cking k*ll him

if he does not shut the f*ck up!

Yes!

Hey, kid?

Oh, you've got to be

f*cking kidding me.

Get ready, here we go.

Oh,

this is some hardcore sh*t.

, Perez.

Everybody stick together.

See if there is

some way out of here.

Somebody help me

with this thing!

No sh*t, man.

Come on,

let's get the f*ck out of here.

You guys are f*cking dead,

I hope you know that.

f*ck off, Perez.

Yeah!

Uh, you got something

on the back of your head, man.

The injection.

Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Sounds like-- like a countdown.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

-Whoa!

-Oh, my God!

Well, I'd hate to be

the underpaid janitor

who has to clean that up.

Let's go, back to back.

He's gonna k*ll you all

at the same time

if you do that, Perez.

Watch him.

He's got two blades I can see.

Stay close, m*therf*cker.

Just show me what you got,

you son of a b*tch.

Get this m*therf*cker!

Let's go!

Let's go!

-Oh!

-Whoa!

Oh, a brutal move

by the newcomer, Nero.

Hey, I'm liking this way out

a lot better than that way.

-What about this clown?

-I'm open to ideas.

-Play hoops growing up?

-Yeah.

-Pick and roll, baby.

-Pick and roll.

-Let's go.

-Yo, birdie! Hey!

Yeah!

Get him! Hey!

Get him! Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

Go, go, go, man!

Go, I got this, go, go!

Fantastic teamwork between

convicted arsonist Arturo Perez

and self-proclaimed

political prisoner

Chet "Goldie" Golden.

Nighty night, Pinocchio.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Come on, man, get up, get up.

Got it?

f*cking outraged reptilian

piece of sh*t, come on!

Come on, come on!

Oh!

You see that sh*t

that m*therf*cker got?

k*ll him! You got it, man.

Oh, come on,

you know you got it, come on.

I got all my money

going on them.

Down again like

a White House intern.

I can't say

that I'm surprised.

People drop out

before we get to the ads.

It's no wonder

we're losing sponsors.

I think I know exactly why.

Fantastic teamwork

between convicted arsonist

Arturo Perez

and self-proclaimed political...

Right there. You see that?

That right there

happened last week

when Novak made it

to arena three.

When Samson announces

their criminal record,

a full third of

the audience drops out.

We need to give the audience

somebody that

they can get behind.

-A hero.

-Correct.

And I've got an idea.

Chop-chop, Luke.

Jesus.

Follow-up with the parole board.

Hurry up. Breakfast is waiting.

All right, give me a minute.

Sorry, Bender.

Come on, man,

We've seen this before.

Come on in. Have a seat.

So, you guys know,

I was just in here.

I was denied.

We're not the parole board.

Luke Bender.

We've read your profile.

Desmond Belladonna,

CEO of Clydesdale Industries.

We manufacture

protein supplements,

jet engines,

parts for high-end automobiles.

But I don't give a sh*t

about that stuff.

What I'm really passionate about

is my other venture.

The real moneymaker, Arena Wars.

As you may know,

contestants are

death row inmates.

The problem lately is that

it seems audiences just

aren't as interested in watching

the scum of the earth

get butchered

on live TV anymore.

What do you want with me again?

I think it's time to,

uh, audition Mr. Bender.

With pleasure.

Don't go easy on him.

Don't worry,

you can count on that.

Come on, big boy.

Let's see what you can do.

Well done.

Good, good.

When I said I read your profile,

I meant your classified profile.

Decorated Marine.

Took the fall for

a superior officer.

Landed yourself up in here.

You're an innocent man.

Innocent man can mean

big ratings.

Government won't allow it.

You'll blow my cover.

Money can buy anything

these days.

Plus, the president's a big fan.

Send his kids some shirts,

he's very happy.

-What if I say no?

-Think about it, Bender.

A chance to get back

the life you deserve,

a clean record.

And plus,

you don't have much of a choice.

The courts have agreed

to upgrade your sentence

to lethal injection

if you say no.

Grid down.

Grid up.

Whoa.

Well, what do you know?

You got a call coming in.

Put it through.

How are you, Luke?

Cut the sh*t.

I'm not sure

I know what you mean.

You know exactly what I mean.

I can't lie to you.

Yes, they told me.

Your cover is gonna be blown.

This doesn't just affect me,

they could come

for you and Arianna.

I know, I'm aware.

If I don't make it...

you tell her I love her.

You know, you've always been

like a son to me.

Thank you.

I'll be watching.

Loosen this sh*t.

What's up, Minty?

I don't think we've met.

My name's Khan.

Like the.

This is

my lady friend hand anyways.

So...

what are you in here for?

Hey?

I answered a help wanted ad

on a suicide hotline.

At the time I didn't know

what "help wanted" really meant.

I was just helping patients

with the process.

What was that you handed

the big chief over there?

Nothing, man.

I saw it.

All right. It's my own brand.

It's concentrated endorphins.

Endorphins?

Best high you'll ever have.

Complete and utter euphoria.

Tell you what.

First dose is on the house,

if you decide you want a taste.

You hold that thought.

-Cool?

-Yeah, man, cool.

It's Luke.

Cool Hand Luke.

That's what I'll call you.

Up!

Toes on the line!

Name's Boggs.

If you're a fan of the show,

you may remember that I took out

Thrustkill a few years back.

We gonna have a problem?

I understand that we have

a ringer with us.

A real superstar.

Now, although I cannot

tell you who that person is,

I can tell you

that you are all under my watch.

And we have

just a couple of days

to get you detoxified,

trained and ready...

for what you're gonna see

beyond that wall.

And, folks,

you better damn well be ready,

'cause it ain't gonna be pretty.

All right.

Single file. First up.

-Name?

-Billie.

With an IE.

Kiyoshi.

-Alice.

-Hank.

-Harris.

-Minty.

-Real name.

-Minty. Legally changed.

Next.

Khan.

You know, like Ghengis.

When was your last physical?

Cell block shower this morning.

Oh, yeah.

It says you have

gonorrhea, chlamydia,

and raised endorphin levels.

-Name?

-Luke Bender.

Are there any

pre-existing conditions

that we should know about?

Just your garden variety case

of toxic masculinity

and being a badass.

Man, look at this

sad sack of sh*t.

-Name?

-Eight Ball.

-Real name?

-Eight Ball.

You're not as cute

as you think you are.

Haven't you heard, honey?

-Everybody wants to visit Paris.

-Next.

You've been juicing, sir?

No, no. Well--

Are you sure?

Maybe, yeah. No, no.

You think you're so cute, huh?

Cute doesn't mean what you think

it does in prison, ma'am.

So, you want me to cough?

No.

Just drop trou, boy.

Like you do

in them prison showers.

Just hold still.

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, come on, boy.

I know you've had

a lot bigger than that.

Gonorrhea vaccine, old school.

Drop 'em.

We know you've had bigger!

So, why don't we just

sever the nerve endings

and be done with it?

Pain motivates them.

For example...

if Nero didn't feel that,

you wouldn't have a show.

How's our boy looking?

Broken jaw,

fractured skull, the usual.

Domino, will you do the honors?

We may need to revamp

the c*ck.

It's starting

to wear off quicker.

sh*t.

My face.

Domino.

Remember.

Of course.

Good girl.

If this happens during a show,

it could be bad.

They could turn against us.

Do what you have to do.

Yes, sir.

I've got the tools,

I've got the talent.

You got oil injections,

is what you got.

Oh, yeah? It's like that, huh?

I'm gonna call you "Juice" now.

Taint Juice.

Taint Juice?

That'd be

a boss-a*s energy drink.

Win Arena Wars,

get f*ck out of here,

and market that sh*t.

Someone down at the club,

"Get you some

f*cking Taint Juice, baby."

Yeah!

Unless you want some of

this Taint Juice

right here and now...

then shut the f*ck up.

Take it easy, Govenator.

This one's on the house.

Taint fact number 10.

Only Taint can slam

a revolving door.

Old concrete punching bag, huh?

Yeah.

Used to practice on one myself.

Why did you stop?

All the pent-up aggression.

Carrying it back to my cell.

Breathing it all in.

We both know that ain't healthy.

Brother Carl over there...

I'm responsible

for him.

So...

you ready for this?

I'd be lying if I said I was.

f*ck at

the parole board, man.

How am I supposed to go in there

and prove to them

that I've been rehabilitated

when I'm sweating b*ll*ts?

Think I'm gonna take my chances

with Arena Wars.

Sure seems like better odds.

You're all right, Minty.

You think you can tell those

f*ck at the parole board

that for me?

Welcome to the next

exciting episode of...

...Arena Wars.

I'm your host, Stephen Samson.

With me, as always, is

former heavyweight champion

of the world,

Joe Moses Johnson.

You know,

last week started

with such great potential.

Arsonist Arturo Perez

showing leadership skills

early on,

then quickly being taken down

by newcomer Meat Wagon

in the third arena.

I'm told we have

a surprise announcement tonight.

Something you've never seen

on Arena Wars before.

For the first time,

Arena Wars will feature

an innocent contestant.

What are they talking about?

They're talking about me.

It has to be me.

Lieutenant Luke Bender,

former United States Marine.

You've got to be

f*cking kidding me.

Well, well, well.

So, uh, what are you,

like a narc or some sh*t, man?

You heard me, man.

I'm not a narc.

Pretty boy here.

I don't know

what narcs you know,

but I've seen some

pretty damn sexy ones myself.

Wait a minute, Luke.

You're saying you're innocent?

Yeah.

For real?

You saw it on TV.

It must be real, right?

Don't think I'm stupid just

'cause I've been in the joint.

-Is that really why you're here?

-Yes.

-Prove it.

-Yeah, mate.

Prove it.

I don't know how you expect me

to do that from in here.

Fair enough.

I'm watching you, Marine.

So, why'd you do it then?

Orders from

a commanding officer.

Couldn't let it get out

that a colonel

close to the president

tried to k*ll him.

All I asked for in return

was that my fiance

and her father

were taken care of.

Well, that's a g*dd*mn

honorable leave.

Hell yeah.

So, uh, what now?

What do you mean?

Well, when are you

gonna teach us

some of that Marine sh*t?

-Yeah!

-I knew it!

Yeah!

You follow my lead, all right?

-Yeah.

-You bet.

Here we go. You know the drill.

Just give me the countdown.

Three, two, one. Bangin'!

Hey, all you sexy b*tches!

Holly Daze is in the house!

Any predictions

for tonight's show?

I'll predict Holly Daze

shows me them Holly Ways.

Gonna be hard to do

when I'm live on Holly Way.

-Hey, girl.

-What's up?

Billie Chambers, right?

Yeah.

Women's MMHF 2039.

Used to be.

Damn!

I knew that was you.

I had front-row seats

to your last fight in Vegas.

In fact, I think I won,

what was it, 20 bucks?

-20 bucks, hey?

-That's it.

I guess we both took the win,

it was a pretty good night.

Hell yeah, it was a good night.

I wanted to meet you that night.

Didn't get to.

It's nice to meet you now,

though.

Towel?

Sure, thanks.

You know,

they've told me about you.

They told me you were innocent.

That's never happened

here before,

if you can believe that.

Innocent man, life sentence.

Has to fight his way back out.

That's good television.

Doesn't matter.

I'm just a gimmick.

Look.

Not one person

that has ever been in this room

has ever deserved

to get back out.

Including me.

But anyway,

it's almost showtime.

I'm rooting for you.

Two minutes, people!

Two minutes!

Just waiting for the cue.

You know, you would think

that they could use

stock footage of us

by now, right?

Don't tell them that.

Unless the buyout's

as high as our salaries.

Like that's gonna happen.

Stop flirting.

Get the f*ck to work.

And three, two, one. Badda-bing.

Hey, all you crazy

m*therf*ckers!

Are you ready?

Are you set?

Let's rock!

Bye-bye, b*tches!

Let's go, let's go.

Come on. Let's go.

See you f*ck

in the next life.

Smile for the camera, thug life.

Oh, no!

Everyone stay ready, stay alert.

Hey, guys, do you smell that?

Harris!

Stay back, don't go near him!

Hell yeah!

Here we go! Here we go!

On my word, everyone on him.

Smile!

Hey, man, keep that

f*cking camera out of my face!

Just doing my job, chump.

Come on, Cool Hand.

You got it.

k*ll this m*therf*cker!

-Hold him! Hold him!

-Hit him, hit him!

Hold him. Hold him.

Hey, Nero.

Hold for focus, would you?

Come on!

Come on!

And now,

a message from our sponsor.

Pretty boy narc

can't do it, can he?

Yeah, he can.

Come on, Luke.

Take it.

Good job, Genghis.

Luke, you okay?

Yeah.

And here we go.

Told you he wasn't gonna do it.

Bender, showing some hesitation.

f*ck this.

Brutal finishing move

by multiple m*rder*r

Tanker Lee Jones.

Don't f*ck this up for me,

Marine.

The tides could be

turning here, Joe.

I feel cold.

You want my help,

you pick up the g*dd*mn pace.

I'm going

as fast as I can, as*h*le.

You afraid of the dark, K-Town?

No, man.

This reminds me of times I used

to play in my parents' mortuary.

No wonder you're in here.

My sister used to

turn off all the lights.

Spin me in a circle,

made me count to ten.

Yep, I'd just feel around

until I'd find my way out.

Sometimes I'd find a corpse,

sometimes I'd find my sister.

So, if you found a corpse,

does that mean

that you won or you lost.

Well, it kind of depends.

Why is that?

Uh...

no one here is wearing

a steampunk cosplay, are they?

Get back!

Ooh!

He's all yours.

f*ck. f*ck.

Good luck, buddy.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh-- No, no, no!

I saw tech like this.

The thing about

heavy doses of adrenaline...

is there's always a quick crash.

-He's dead.

-Good.

Less backs to watch.

Every one of us that goes down,

hurts the team.

The team, huh?

Yeah, the team.

Listen, if you want to

live through this,

we have to work together.

Just follow my lead.

Says the m*therf*cker

who couldn't k*ll Nero.

Why the f*ck are we even

listening to this Marine?

He is not one of us.

You really expect us

to believe your a*s is out here

looking out for the rest of us?

We're murderers, thieves.

You're a stupid jarhead

who took the fall for someone

who's out living it up

at your expense.

You're here getting

your sh*t pushed in.

I was a sacrifice

for national f*cking security.

Couldn't let it get out

that the president

was easily reached.

I hate to be the harbinger

of bad news, but...

the whole f*cking world

knows now.

Sounds like

you failed your mission...

Marine.

How about this?

Us lifers,

we'll stick together...

and you can f*ck off.

Hang me now.

Are you still with me?

Bender,

clearly preparing to give

our home audience

a motivational speech.

I said, are you with me?

Yeah!

-Yo!

-f*ck yeah.

Let's do it, Bender!

Let's get some.

Major props to

the producers, man.

I mean,

I never saw this one coming.

Enough.

m*therf*cker.

Oh, Jesus.

You did good.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.

-Come on.

Yeah!

You're a bad

m*therf*cker, Marine.

So, if, like,

Bender is innocent,

does that mean,

like, there's more hot guys

in jail like that?

Well, if Bender lives,

if he-- if he gets

an action figure,

can Comic Con book him

so I can get it signed maybe?

I mean, if he's innocent,

why not just let him out now?

Due process.

All that pent up aggression

we accumulate during the week?

I can't think of

a better outlet for it.

Reminds me that time

I got a black belt in jiu-jitsu.

This one-two punch combo,

the teamwork.

It's a rare thing

in the world today.

Yo, I'm gonna one-two punch you

if you don't let me

rock the mic.

It's the most fascinating study

of the human condition

since, well,

the advent of social media.

I actually got into

the ring myself recently.

I'm not going to say

I'm a pro or anything,

but I definitely learned

a thing or two about myself.

I saw some pretty crazy sh*t

out on the b*ttlefield.

I gotta tell you,

nothing compares

to what I see here.

Yeah, that says

a lot about you, though.

Dealing with kids all day,

I mean,

sometimes I just want to

f*ck some sh*t up.

You know what I'm saying?

I totally understand.

I did get hit

in the head pretty bad.

Mom said

I wasn't the same after that,

- can you believe it?

- Oh, wow.

I get up, I go down the garage

and I just unload

on that heavy bag.

Bender was the surprise

of the season,

but that doesn't mean

he's going to keep up

-this winning streak.

-That's true.

Look, I don't care who wins.

What I want to see

is all the bloodshed,

grade-A type of stuff

on screen tonight.

-That's all I care about.

-Okay, nice.

Okay, great, amazing.

Thank you, guys.

"Death, be not proud,

for some have called you

mighty and dreadful...

for thou art not so."

Do you know where that's from?

No.

It's a sonnet.

"Death, Be Not Proud",

written in the 1600s.

"For rest and sleep...

for thou picture

be much pleasure,

for thee, much more must flow."

That's my favorite passage.

It gets me through my job.

How about you, Domino?

I don't understand the question.

I know you wouldn't.

All that cunning that you had...

all that precision, gone...

with a single injection.

Such a shame.

Yeah?

Pretty incredible, isn't it?

I don't know why

I didn't think of this sooner.

I think it's a beautiful idea.

Our own universe

of streaming programming.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

I'm pretty sure he'll give

a big "f*ck you" to that idea.

Well, don't forget

my executive producer credit.

He f*cking swung and boom!

Knocked Meat Wagon the f*ck out.

sh*t, man, he hit that floor

like a dollar store hooker.

Okay, K-Town.

The f*ck you know

about dollar store hookers?

I thought

you stuck to the penny saver.

Dollar store's

a little too classy.

I got Y1,500.

Cheer up, my ninja.

Ninja, you're, like,

one step closer to freedom.

Yeah, brother man. Bring it in.

Bring it in. Come on.

-Boom!

-Yes! Yeah!

Good job, guys.

Hey Boggs. Oh, man.

I need you to get me

something for my back.

You know, 'cause I'm carrying

the whole f*cking team.

You know I'm saying?

I hate to interrupt

your little celebration here.

Producers want to

see you upstairs.

-All of us?

-Yep.

sh*t. Him, too?

Unfortunately, yes.

-Why?

-Big night.

- It's time to celebrate.

- Serious?

-Us?

-In restraints.

Don't get excited

and don't forget,

you've got an expl*sive

in your head.

At least we'll die happy.

Five minutes. Be ready.

You know what this means, right?

Dude, we're going to

have f*cking p*ssy

lined up for miles.

We're, like,

f*cking rockstars now.

Oh, sh*t, even f*cking Bill's

gonna get laid.

Oh, sh*t, man!

-Hold up, hold up, hold up.

-What?

Not sure

who let you out of the sewer,

but this is VIP only.

You must not be

up on current events.

We are VIP.

It's invitation only.

Well, we have one of those.

Yeah? Who invited you?

The man.

Hey, f*ck.

Don't you know?

We're special guests.

Okay, then. Enjoy your evening.

Hi, guys. Welcome.

-Hello.

-May I offer you a drink?

Suck my pulse with a straw, yes!

Or two?

Oh, yeah,.

Oh.

Oh, they're twins.

-Oh, yeah.

-Follow me.

They'll

expl*sive chips in our necks

and then

we can take off our cuffs.

Not everyone is as well-behaved

as we are, right?

I think they want you

to mingle a little bit.

You two, come with me.

Hey.

There he is.

The man of the hour.

Get over here,

you badass son of a b*tch.

Wait a minute.

You're telling me

you've met this guy before?

Unfortunately.

Pull up a chair, Luke.

I'll have one of the girls

grab you a drink.

If I can,

I'd like to pass that offer

over to my friend.

What'll you have, boss?

Mint julep.

Candy.

Yes, sir?

Two mint juleps for my man here.

Coming right up.

Pretty impressive showing

out there tonight.

You're the new fan favorite.

Well, it's fight or die.

Well, you'll thank me

for that someday.

If my fiance and her father

are still alive...

I might.

Your team is made up

of people convicted

in a court of law.

It must be

a real moral conflict for you,

protecting

the scum of the earth,

while you sit in here

just for doing your duty.

Who says

they're the scum of the earth?

I didn't know you Marines had

such a good sense of humor.

I thought it was all oorah

and Semper Fi.

Which reminds me...

what do you plan to do

for work once you're free?

If I'm free.

Well, maybe

I can help with that.

But not now. Enjoy the night.

If you're interested

in hearing about

an opportunity that's come up,

meet me in the green room later.

And, Bender...

this is entertainment.

That's all it is.

Hi, guys.

So it's this, then?

Just doing our job, Jake.

Yep.

What's up, champ?

You should have taken

that drink.

My inbox is blowing up

with new sponsors.

The network wants to move

next week's follow-up episode

to the weekend.

The problem is, you're good.

A little too good.

The network's talking

about creating a spin-off

centered around you.

I made a promise

to my mother before she died

not to let

her pride and joy go under.

Of course, by pride and joy,

she meant the company.

Not me.

It was Arena Wars that saved it.

It saved the company.

It saved me.

It saved my legacy.

You tell them I said no.

And f*ck you.

Well, you see,

even if you said yes,

this shows me

they're looking elsewhere.

I can't have my saving grace

also be my downfall.

So, you're going to

k*ll me then?

No.

Hell, I can't even handicap you,

that'd be too obvious.

But what's the one thing

that's kept you going

the whole time

you've been locked up?

You don't need to answer,

as we already know.

The call's from your former

commanding officer,

who is also father

of the love of your life

and a father figure to you.

What is this? This--

Your fiance

and father-in-law are dead.

Five years ago.

Hit by a drunk driver

on Christmas Day.

k*lled instantly.

You're lying. He talks to me.

It's a deep fake.

f*ck you!

with those

two c*ck waitresses

- from the party.

- party.

Luke?

- Luke.

- Hey, brother.

You all right?

Come on, let's get up.

Let's get out of here.

- You all right?

- I'm fine.

I'm going to get him, Khan.

These sure don't look

like they came

from the hits

he took on the show.

We've been sparring.

Then how come

you two don't have any bruises?

'Cause we're badasses

that don't get hit.

I guess that's a better excuse

than saying

you fell down some stairs.

What's going on?

Found him in the green room,

knocked out.

Luke.

Marine!

You with me?

f*ck. f*ck.

I'm-- I'm fine.

Thank you, Hopkins.

I'll take it from here.

All right, what happened?

I cut myself shaving.

That's bullshit.

Belladonna doesn't get

involved in matches

unless there's something

going down.

So, again, what's going on?

He says the network

wants to offer me a spinoff.

Wait, how's that a bad thing?

He thinks I'm a threat to him.

This sounds like

some paranoid bullshit to me.

If there's one thing

I know about that man,

you don't mess with his money.

I'm not a k*ller,

or whatever it is

he wants me to be.

I'm a soldier.

-That's it?

-Yeah.

I don't think so.

You look like someone

whose heart's been ripped out

and crushed in front of them.

See that a lot in here.

Weekly calls

that I've been getting...

from my would-be

father-in-law were never real.

He and my fiance...

died five years ago.

And I was never told.

Sorry, man.

This-- that's the only thing

that's kept me going in here.

Every day.

All these f*cking years.

f*ck!

Luke. Listen to me.

We're in this together. Okay?

You got us.

All of us.

-We're family.

-Don't worry.

Let's show him what pain is.

Damn right.

Wow. Hey.

Wow, this is a surprise.

What brings you down

from your supervillain lair?

Funny.

Remember that material

for the air.

Somehow I don't think you came

down here to tell me that.

Just a little wellness visit.

How are you and Moses

feeling lately?

Well, you know, um,

I got really high cholesterol.

And Moses, unfortunately,

has a heart murmur.

Seriously, what's on your mind?

Listen.

Whatever happens tonight,

don't stop the show.

Keep it going.

What he's saying is,

no matter what you see...

the show must go on.

I get it.

Don't have to tell me twice.

Thanks, chief.

I increased

the dosage quite a bit.

A handful of mental sedatives

whose names you wouldn't be

able to pronounce.

They'll be sitting pretty

for quite a while.

Domino.

Hey. Don't forget.

Yes.

Welcome back

to another episode of...

Arena Wars!

I love when we do that.

This special episode

will feature

the return

of our first contestants

to last more than one week

in five seasons.

And don't forget Luke Bender,

former Marine and the first

innocent contestant

in the history of the show.

Here it is. Here it is.

- Yes!

- Another one down!

-Lucky shot.

-Oh, lucky my a*s, man.

Teamwork makes the dream work,

, all right?

I see people come in here

one night, get lucky,

come back for the next show,

get wiped out in

the first ten seconds.

Sounds like you have a bad

judge of character, my friend.

The only person getting

lucky tonight is your mom.

See you now. Bye-bye.

Oh.

I wonder how much money

that , man.

Let's go.

When we first saw these guys,

I didn't think

a damn thing about them.

A bunch of sad sack losers.

And now I actually think

they have a chance

to win the whole thing,

you know?

But I've been wrong before too.

I know

everyone's going crazy

for Luke Bender, but Minty?

Now that is a real man.

They got us a dope-a*s

theme song and everything.

Hell yeah.

You ever thought

you'd be a celebrity, K-Town?

Not unless you count

the evening news.

sh*t, I've missed this stuff.

Oh, yeah.

All that's missing is the crowd.

I need the energy.

Luke Bender.

Nice to meet you, babe.

I'm Holly Daze.

Tell us, how are you feeling

about tonight's showdown?

I, um...

First I should probably, uh...

thank the producers...

for this incredible opportunity.

for the hype, right?

Not disappoint

the viewers at home.

That's right.

When I fight,

I'm not fighting for money.

I'm fighting for you.

Why don't you go down and check

on Holly Daze's dressing room?

Some commotion going on

down there.

What? Again?

Are you ready?

I said, are you ready?

Then let's f*cking do this!

Go back! Back!

Anyone got a plan?

Sun Tzu. Art of w*r.

Old school

guerrilla warfare tactics.

I'll take

that, brother.

If you run

and dodge.

Sounds easy enough.

Just keep moving,

confuse him and ambush, got it?

- Got it.

- Come on, you f*ck!

Yes! Yes!

That's the one right there.

Against the rules to celebrate?

-It's not against the rules.

-I wasn't asking.

I'm f*cking dying.

Listen, uh,

on a serious note now, um...

A word from our sponsors.

Breathe through it.

Stay with me.

This is my fault.

I caused it.

I put you here.

Don't be sorry.

Just glad

that I got to spend the day...

side by side with all of you.

Stay with me.

It's okay.

Minty, look at me.

I'm sorry.

I am so g*dd*mn sorry,

but we have to keep moving.

You gotta keep moving.

You can do this. All right?

Come on. Come on.

Come.

We must be , huh?

Yeah, we must be.

Hey.

You going to be all right?

You good?

As good as I can be.

You?

-Same.

-Hey, Billie.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How long do you think we've got?

Not long.

Maybe another 10, 15 seconds.

We need to be ready.

No more f*cking surprises.

Yeah. It's go time.

It's bad. It's bad.

Over here.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're okay, you're okay.

Billie-- Billie stop! Stop!

Billie, Billie, Billie.

He's done. He's done.

It passes, okay? It passes.

Are you all right?

Oh, f*ck. Yeah, f*ck.

I've been hit harder

than that fighting.

I'm good. I'm good.

Wow.

That-- that's a twist

right there.

I just got a text that

the odds on Luke Bender

are going through the roof

in Vegas right now.

So,

when does round three start?

f*ck, I don't know, man.

That f*cking as*h*le

caught me off guard.

All right, guys, we got to move.

We have to finish this.

You lead the way, badass.

Thanks.

Okay, let's go.

Welcome to the party.

Be ready, guys. Just be ready.

You're ours, m*therf*cker.

This is for Carl.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Is that her? Cutie Pie!

Yes!

- Here, kitty, kitty.

- Meow. Come on.

On the house, remember?

That's it.

How-- how long

do they take to kick in?

They're super fast-acting.

There you go.

There you go, there you go.

Three, two, one.

Now.

Get the axe!

Get the axe!

Come on!

No. No! No!

No!

Something's wrong.

Yeah, the stupid one

handed something to Bender.

Wonder how that got

past security.

Any ideas?

Domino?

Yes?

No, don't!

-Please!

-What?

Please!

Talk!

You took your dose, right?

I was in the room

with you, but--

I always do.

Yes or no?

Yes.

I took the dose.

If you're telling the truth,

then you wouldn't mind

providing us

with a blood sample, would you?

Of course not.

I'm always willing to comply.

She hesitated.

Talk!

They dose us.

None of us want to be here!

You see that?

You're telling this

to the world.

I think you've forgotten

how much you owe me.

I don't owe you anything.

You'd have died in the arena.

You owe me your life.

This is no life.

What were you in for again?

Oh, that's right.

You were a hired k*ller.

A sn*per.

Thought you'd have at least

examined your own weapon.

Please don't k*ll me.

Oh, I'm not going to k*ll you.

That would be a waste of talent.

I'm just going to transfer you.

Back to the arena.

Who doses you?

Who doses you?

Talk!

Get your a*s over there.

Welcome to sudden death.

-Let him go.

-We're still on the air, Luke.

What kind of show

would that be for the audience?

You force these people

to be on your k*ll squad.

Just like you forced me

to be on your show.

Well, it's hard to keep

a steady flow

of willing participants

when death's part of the deal.

I said let him go.

Don't worry about me, brother.

He's going to k*ll me--

Quiet!

Spoilers.

You sh**t him and then what?

We find out

if you're really a k*ller.

No.

Don't tell me you never k*lled

a man in battle.

And don't tell me

you didn't feel a rush from it.

This isn't w*r.

The audience is bloodthirsty,

and you gave them

what they wanted.

It's w*r.

What does that make you?

You're the one

making the profit.

Like I said before, Luke.

This is entertainment.

That's all it is.

Luke.

It's time to go home.

f*ck yeah!

Jesus Christ,

I thought he'd never shut up.

Can we get

the f*ck out of here now?

-No.

-Why?

-The chips in our heads.

-f*ck.

Don't worry about that.

Surprised you didn't recognize

military tech.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

How do we get out of here?

Follow me.

Man.

I could use some

mint juleps right about now.

I'm free.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

Arena Wars. Arena Wars.

So, uh, let me get this right,

you slept

with Thrustkill in 2030?

Why do you think?

You got a great outfit.

I heard that you, uh,

are a big fan of the show?

Is that-- is that true?

Not only a fan, but, you know,

I'm an employee also.

And I don't know

if you know this or not,

but I park about

five or six spaces

down from you every day.

You look a little nervous.

What-- what's the matter?

I ain't going to bite you.

I'm nervous

'cause I don't want to die!

Well, that's.

-Oh, I-- I can't.

-Why can't you?

Because they don't give us

the option.

Who-- who-- who-- who's they?

-They! The whole thing!

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I'd be nervous too.

Hey, by the way, do you still

have the Heisman trophy?

I sold it on eBay.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. I don't shake hands.

It's a crazy thing,

it's a bad habit, I know.

First off, I need to tell you.

I'm a big fan.

- Oh, thanks. Thanks.

- Thank you.

That Hail Mary

in the fourth quarter

in that game

against the Raiders?

Absolutely beautiful.

Yeah, thanks a lot,

uh, thank you...

-Tank. It's fine.

-All right. Whatever.

What's the matter with you, son?

Uh, I'm on the camera with you?

Yeah,.

You ever hear the expression

"a deer in headlights"?

- You don't remember me?

- Oh. Should I?

Come on! Jimmy Magnus.

I'm the guy that took you

to the emergency ward,

stayed with you all night

after you tore your ACL.

Badass Jimmy Magnus.

Is it true that

you're an actual member

of the Yakuza?

If you win back your freedom,

what're you going to do?

You going to go back to Japan?

So, I hear that

you're actually related

-to one of our gladiators?

-That's right.

Master Blaster

and I are twin bros.

Always thought you threw

that last Super Bowl.

Excuse me, what was that?

I mean, if you don't want to

admit it,

maybe we can meet

somewhere after and discuss it.

No, but I have a g*n.

It's good to see you though.

I've been-- I've been hoping

you'd get me on here

once in a while,

or-- or once anyway.

-Here you are.

-Here I am.

Well, you know,

that's what happens

when you spend 10 years

getting your a*s kicked

and then if you're lucky,

you end up being a commentator

on a talk show,

or the star of a cartoon,

or selling

some insurance policies.

I haven't seen

you guys for a while.

You're always

on the field, yeah?

Oh, we just came here

to pick up our checks.

-You called us over here.

-They make you pick them up?

I figured you just get paid

electronically.

Well, the state pays us

electronically, but this--

Man, this is blood money,

come on.

Yeah. I know.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I get it, I understand.

Yeah, blood money is--

You know, I guess

in the long run

it's all blood money.

I mean, how do you deal with it?

What's the difference?

Ethics, Samson. Ethics.

I agree with that.

Ethics.