Dylan & Zoey (2022)

[bunniefuu]

I don't really know
if I could pinpoint,

you know, how exactly
the idea came about.

I think that there was one day,
you know, and admittedly,

this is one of my more
depressing days.

But I was thinking
about the idea

about how a cat has nine lives.

And not in a good way,
but more in, like, thought.

A cat has to live nine lives!

Like, are you
f*cking kidding me?

I mean, I--

I barely have the wherewithal
to live one.

I sat with this some more,
and...

I thought about how I could
create a little show around it.

What eventually came up was,
you know, there is a cat

um, who can't think of a
single reason to live one life,

who is forced to evaluate

every other cat's
wonderful plans

for how they wish to utilize,
like, their... blessing.

Yeah, yeah. Because
that's how society sees it.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, in their society,

you know,
which is not much different

than ours, to be honest.

But, you know,
the majority population, like,

has this concept
of a god who has,

you know,
bestowed upon them, you know,

this gift of nine lives
for a reason compared to,

you know, all the other
inferior creatures.

So it's-- it's basically
the same existential sh*t

that we go through, just like...

...nine times it.

This guy gets it.

We'll be right back
to talk with this genius

right here after a break.

From Little Kitty kitty litter.

If you have a little kitty
and he's a bit of a shitter,

use the Little Kitty litter.

Able to breathe
a little bit?

I'm glad you texted, by the way.

Yeah, of course.

I thought we were
quickly becoming

the happy-birthday text friends.

Um, so do I need to worry
about anyone coming up to us?

Oh, God, no. I'm a writer.

If anyone outside
that small legion

knows my face, then run,
they're probably a psychopath.

Fair enough.

So, to what do I
owe this pleasure?

What could possibly
bring you out

to this godforsaken city?

A godforsaken
bachelorette party?

Oh, f*ck.

-Yeah.
-Sounds fun.

You mispronounce miserable.

That bad, huh?

It's just like some

f*cking stupid live for the
weekend mentality. It's dumb.

I-- I guess I just hang on

to the whole romanticism
of marriage.

And so the idea
of giving someone

a bachelorette party is,

you know,
their little rite of passage

for their last bit
of fun forever.

It's a nice exchange

for spending a lifetime
not having to be alone.

There's something
different about you,

and I'm just wondering
if it's what I think it is.

Nose job.

Botox, breast implants.

You're not a virgin anymore.

f*ck you. You're f*cking not.

-You better give me details.
-No details.

What? A gentleman
doesn't kiss and tell?

More like a gentleman hasn't.

-Oh.
-Yep.

Sorry. Usually just bring
it up right away.

No, that's fine.

I told myself I wouldn't
bring it up because, you know,

I didn't want to be a downer.

You're not a downer.

This is it.

f*ck off.

Ta-da!

You, uh...

You want a coffee?

Hmm.

Cool.
All right.

Yes, yes, yes.

You're in for a treat,
by the way.

- I could use a jolt.
- No, no, no...

This is so much
more than a jolt.

I... I get to brag a little bit.

I got a new Chemex
and burr grinder

and I got Stumptown beans.

♪ God, I forgot
how pretentious you are ♪

-Pretentious?
-My burr grinder.

And Stumpville coffee.

Okay, first of all,
it's Stumptown.

-Yeah, whatever.
-And second of all, I--

There's nothing wrong
with having taste.

This tastes like fruit
taking a sh*t in coffee.

That's what coffee is
supposed to taste like.

-No!
-Oh, my God.

You need to get out more.

Mature your palate.

So, how are you?

-I'm good.
-Oh, God.

-Is that how we're gonna do it?
-All right, all right.

I don't know what you
want me to say.

Well, don't answer me like
you're a f*cking bank teller.

Like, "How are you?"

"Good. How are you?
How's your day?"

I honestly think
it's a pointless question.

Like it's f*cked if you do,
f*cked if you don't.

You know, either I say
I'm good, you know,

and we carry on with a nice
little break from the world.

Or I tell you how I really feel,

and then the mood
turns into a bummer.

Oh, my God, it's not a bummer

if I'm the person
and I'm asking you.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

Hey, everyone says
they want to know,

but then as soon as you tell
them, they're like...

...because who wants
to spend time

working through
someone else's problems?

Okay, I feel like it depends
on the person, though.

For certain superficial
relationships, hell yeah, 100%.

I don't actually want to know
how you're doing,

but if it's someone
you're close to,

isn't that kind of point?

-Maybe I'm wrong.
-No, you're not wrong. I just--

-I got to take it.
-I mean--

Hello?

Yeah, no, no.
I can talk right now.

All right? Hold on a second.

-Let's get you a beer.
-Yeah.

Hold on. Let me get--

Sorry. Let me just get
to my desk real quick.

Okay and--

Uh, yeah, so not you--

All right, I'm ready.

Um, so, uh,

I like the esthetic
of the heavier set one,

so, ballpark, or something.
I was thinking was like,

Well, I mean,

do you not believes
the father's blessings?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe a little bit
too creepy Russian.

Uh-- but I mean--

You know, somewhere
in that range?

I-- I got company here though,

so I'll--
We'll talk about this later.

All right. Talk to you. Bye.

Wow!

I knew I should've made you
wait outside.

Oh, that's fine. No, it's good.

You're just...

...going to ze hell.

-Is he based on your priest?
-Ooh. Um--

Okay. Fun little Dylan update.

I love Dylan updates.

I'm not Catholic anymore.

You're not Catholic?

I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time

believing this because
last time I was in town,

you made me go to mass with you.

You had fun. You got baked
in my car before we went in.

Couldn't have done it
without it.

Honestly, it made
watching you fascinating.

How long has it been?

I don't know. A couple of years.

How? How?

-How?
-Yeah, how?

I-- I just stopped believing.

Oh, so you're an atheist?

No, no, no. I believe in God.

Um, I just don't think
of him as the Almighty,

or, you know, the father.

I don't even know if I think of
him as a Him or a being at all.

Maybe just, uh, an energy.

Oh, so you've traded
in Catholicism

for New-Agey bullshit?

Okay. I haven't traded
in anything for anything.

And don't hit me with that
Mercury retrograde bullshit.

Sort of hoped it would
have been the serial pedophilia

that would have done it, though.

Yeah. So f*cked up.

And believe me,
I know how awful this sounds,

um, but I was kind of jealous.

What?

Yeah, I mean, look, I
was an altar boy for six years.

I mean, why not me?
You know what was wrong with me?

-Oh, you're sick.
-No, no.

Okay, hear me out. Okay?

If it was inevitable
that I was going to be molested,

why couldn't it be
at the hands of a priest

so I could at least sue
the Catholic Church

instead of my poor
White Tr*sh cousin?

I mean, yeah, when you put it
that way, what the f*ck?

- Right?
- Yeah.

I mean, all I have to show

for eight years of being
molested is the memories.

Hey, you can blow through
settlement money fast,

but memories?

Tell me about it.

Please tell me
you don't still talk to him.

Who? Eric?

No, but I don't really talk
to any of family anymore.

But you would still talk to him?

Yeah.

I don't know. It's that--

Can I ask you
a personal question?

- Depends.
- You don't have to answer.

Just ask the f*cking question.

What did he...

Do?

Never mind.
That's weird to wonder.

-It's-- Nah.
-No, no, no, it's fine.

It's not weird to wonder. Um--

Everything was limited to...

oral.

The first time he did it
it was on my second birthday.

-f*ck, you remember that?
-Earliest recorded memory.

Jesus Christ.

It might be the oldest recorded
memory of a blowjob.

Definitely the earliest
recorded memory

of a birthday blowjob.

Hey, tell you what.

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah, fair enough.

-How about that beer I teased?
-Yeah, where is my beer?

Bring me my beer.

Nice.

♪ I try to move on
It never subsides ♪

♪ Here I am frozen
Head deep in the tide ♪

♪ The spark for you fades
There's life in my eyes ♪

♪ Lose all common sense
When I fight ♪

♪ And you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing ♪

♪ That I need to fight it ♪

♪ Say, you always hold me closer
You find the perfect timing ♪

♪ I can never
Find the strength ♪

-♪ That I need to fight it... ♪
-Your turn.

My turn what?

How's the journalism biz?

I quit.

Come again?

I quit.

Do you care
to elaborate?

Um...

Or not?

Uh...

I don't know. Um...

Have you ever done something
intending to help people

only to run as fast as you can

in the opposite direction
to save yourself?

No, that's only because I've
given up trying to help people.

Ha-ha.

Man, I was really passionate
when I started out.

I remember.

I should have joined
the Peace Corps.

Gotten it out of my system.

Then what happened?

It's complicated.

-Okay...
-I don't know, I--

I felt like when I got into it,
I was so full of idealism

and this nonsense about

what I was going to do
and who I was going to be,

and, you know, you think
the world is getting

more progressive and it is.

But even at
a liberal a*s outlet,

I was still facing
the same problems

I would anywhere else.

-Explain.
-Okay, here's a good example.

So one of the older women
who worked there

came up to me
after the first few weeks

and asked me
how everything was going, right.

And so I'm thinking,

Oh, this lady is so sweet

and yada, yada, yada.
You know what she says to me?

She says that I use
too many periods in my email

and that a lot of people
don't like that

because it comes off
as a little abrupt

and unapproachable and in
less euphemistic terms, a b*tch.

I'm serious.

So I'm sitting there thinking,
"This is f*cking ridiculous."

And then she leaves.

But I honestly found myself
starting to

put exclamation points in emails
wherever I could.

And then when I
started realizing

that I was doing that,
I thought, "f*ck this."

If I wasn't a woman,
this wouldn't be the case.

I would just be seen
as decisive and assertive.

-Says the b*tch.
-f*ck you, I'm serious,

I know, I'm sorry,
but it's f*cked up.

And that's not even
the tip of it. I mean--

I think they mean well,

and I know there are
better outlets out there

because I have friends
who work at them,

but at the end of the day,

it's still an old, white dude
who's the publisher.

Still an old, white dude
who's the editor

and then you start getting some

trickle-down diversity to fill
some quotas or some bullshit.

Damn. Tell me
how you really feel.

Uh-huh.

So, that's why you left?

No, I mean--

I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.

Fair enough.

♪ Each time that your love
Keeps pulling me back in ♪

Maybe we should drink in public?

Yeah, this is
f*cking depressing.

I'll be back.

♪ Sit and love me
As my eyes fade away ♪

♪ And everything's gone gray ♪

I swear to God
he doesn't like it.

- Every guy likes it.
- No, not Matt.

You guys should have
really taken that class with me.

I'm not paying
someone to teach...

By the way, it has
nothing to do with me, okay?

Good for you.

I give amazing head.

- Yes, I like it.
- You're a biter

Whoa.
I have never had one complaint.

Actually, I have had
a standing ovation.

A standing ovation

doesn't count if you're
giving it to yourself.

- All of you f*ck off.
- You know why

-he doesn't do it?
-You got chronic dry mouth.

Look,
his is f*cking huge.

He is a giver.

- He likes to give--
- Oh.

Yes, exactly.
You know what I call it?

The meat bat man.

Mmm.

You okay?

Yeah.

Cramps. It's cramps.

I like this place.

It's cozy, I dig--

Yeah, perfect company
for drinking alone.

-Run any of these?
-Not a one.

I do own, like, four of them.

And the Japanese
actually have a word for people

who have tons of books
that they've never read.

-It's--
-I--

I used to read a lot,
but I just--

I lost the habit

and I'm definitely
worse off for it, so...

Of course, nowadays everyone's
just on their f*cking phones,

so it's pretty hard.

It's probably jarring
looking down

and not seeing it
glowing back up at you.

"Tsundoku."

The habit of buying books,
never reading.

To my nerdy friend.

To my cruel and unusual friend.

Ah.

To friends.

To us!

-Batman.
-To meat Batman.

Do I get to
hear the spontaneous brilliance?

Um, it's actually an idea

I've
been working on for a while now,

and you reminded me
of it earlier.

And so, you know,
I guess I'm just sort of

caught up in that.

What's the idea, Dyl?

It's called SAM.

It's an acronym
for Socks Against Monogamy.

-f*ck, yeah, I'm hooked.
-Thanks.

Oh, my God. Dylan, elaborate.

Okay. You want me
to give you the pitch?

Pitch me. I want the full pitch.

Okay. So,

you know how socks are
hell-bent on getting lost.

You know, like,
it's only a matter of time

before they inevitably get stuck
in the dryer, and, you know,

you're stuck with a bunch
of different single socks?

- Oh, that struggle, honestly.
- Okay.

So, my take is an approach
to their world

where that's, like,
their rite of passage.

They're born the opposite of us,

you know, together from birth.

You know, and their
whole adolescence is built upon

this pretense of separating
when they come of age.

So, like, it's sort of the group
they graduate to.

It's SAM, you know.

But in my story,
there is a pair of socks

that don't want to separate.

You know, they love each other
and they don't understand

why there's this emphasis on
needing to go through life alone

when you can spend it
with another person or a sock.

Sorry. And so
when it's their time

to ceremonially
part in the dryer...

...they decide to say,
"f*ck it,"

and they stay together.

Oh, I like it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Good.

How do they f*ck?

-They-- They don't--
-Ah.

That's sort of the beauty of it.

You know, they,
uh, there's nothing physical.

It's just...

companionship.

Or maybe these are
just a few of the reasons

why I'm still a virgin.

You're not the only
28-year-old virgin.

Oh, you guys good?
Doing-- Doing well?

♪ I wanna be everything
Everything to you ♪

♪ I wanna look in your eyes ♪

♪ Without them
Looking right through ♪

♪ Is that too much
To ask of you? ♪

♪ Is that too damn much
To ask of you? ♪

♪ Is that too much
To ask of you? ♪

About the whole
28-year-old virgin thing.

It's cool. I mean...

It's driving me insane.

It's literally on my mind
constantly.

-Yeah, that's all guys.
-All guys want to get laid.

I want to lose my virginity
like a f*cking teenager.

It's embarrassing.

It's not even that
big of a deal, Dyl.

Everyone says that, but I think
they take it for granted.

Like, how obsessed they were
about losing their virginity

when they were in high school.

Have you ever thought
about getting a prost*tute?

Thought about it. A lot.

-And?
-I'm afraid

it would make me depressed
if I lost it that way.

-It's not precious, Dyl.
-Oh, I know, it's a burden.

I actually--

Here, sit down for this one.

Oh, what?

I, uh--

I actually did go to a special
kind of establishment once.

Oh.

A story with a happy ending,
so to speak.

Oh! The old rub and tug.
Do tell.

Okay. So, my buddy told me
about this place.

There's this joint,
this rundown office building.

So obviously,
I made an appointment

as soon as I got home.

So I get there.

And this super cute
Vietnamese girl,

she escorts me in
and tells me to get ready and...

Oh...

-Well?
-It was great.

-But--
-But?

I went back
a week later, all right?

Same place, different girl,
still Vietnamese,

still cute, but not happy.

In fact, she was f*cking
miserable, you know?

She left the door open
a crack

while I was getting undressed
and I could see her

sucking down a cigarette
with her hand trembling,

you know, and she came back in,

the energy was night and day
different from the first girl,

The first girl was talking
the whole time.

What the f*ck
was she even saying?

"You're so big.
You're so hard."

Okay. None of that
from this one?

Nothing. In fact,
not only was she silent,

but she looked off
to the side of me

while she jerked me off.

So I'm obviously in my head
at this point, like, you know,

thinking that I did
something wrong,

you know, it's something
with me, you know?

But then on my drive home,
it hit me, like,

these girls were
probably sex sl*ves.

I mean, I was sure of it--
I didn't know,

but I was sure of it.
I felt disgusted--

Did you report them?

I stopped at a payphone.

Where the f*ck is there
still a payphone, dude?

7-Eleven on La Cienega.

At least it was there then.

I even used the made-up voice
and everything.

You following me?

I actually had a friend who
worked in a parlor

of ill repute.

Actually, no f*ck ill repute.

I hold what she does
in very high regard.

She is a dakini.

Tantric massage?

-Sting?
-Yeah.

So my roommate, Sting,
from college was a dakini.

And anyway, I had all
these questions for her,

so finally she told me to just
come in and see for myself.

I mean, not with her,
with another girl.

Dude, this is just
what you need.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, it's wild.

There's this
interesting dichotomy

at play because on one hand,

it's extremely sexy and sensual.

And then on this whole
other level, it's this

deep, deep spiritual awakening.

I'm not overstating anything
when I say

that I walked out of that room
a different person.

How? I mean you had me at sexy,

sensual, spiritual awakening.

Okay, so you get there.

And she greets you at the door,

and it's like
she's an old friend.

And she just stares at you

and embraces you, not sexually,

but just human touch.

I mean, that's the beauty
of the whole thing, really.

It's all about human touch.

Anyway, she--

she brought me in
and she sat me on the sofa

and she just kind of held me.

Again, a very nurturing way,

you know, asking me
what my loves are,

how my day was, what I did.

And then she told me
to get in the shower,

which is like a spa setup,
so f*cking nice.

Anyway, I got in the shower,
I had the shower

and I come out in a bathrobe,
and she's standing there,

naked, stunning.

And she tells me

to go sit on the massage table
cross-legged.

And then she comes
and she sits across from me...

and she just looks at me

with the most serene smile.

And she tells me to match
my breathing to hers, you know?

She gets her hand
and she places it on my heart.

And then she gets mine
and she places it on hers.

And we were just sitting there,
just staring at each other.

And I can't guess

how long we were
sitting there for because...

it just felt like
the most blissful eternity.

Just staring at each other,

our eyes...

penetrating into
the depths of the other,

of the universe.

All our breath felt like
the tide crashing over us.

Wow.

Yeah.

Tantric massage.

Find a place.
It'll change your life.

I don't know, Zoe.

Do you remember me telling you
about being r*ped in college?

Gosh.

I completely forgot.

It's fine, whatever, I mean--
I only bring it up

because I know that
that stuff could really just

throw your life off track,
you know?

I mean, we're all snowflakes
in our victimhood or whatever

but it can really
just screw you up, so--

You never told me
if you knew the guy.

Guys, plural. Yeah, I know them.

There were two of them?
Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I mean,
doesn't change anything.

The thing that makes me

laugh in a sadistic kind of way

is that I actually
liked them both.

You were friends?

No, not as friends. I mean,
I only just met them, but, uh,

they were cute.

Probably would've
f*cked either of them

if they hadn't decided
to r*pe me first, you know?

God, Zoe. I--

Ah, what are you gonna do?

What?

I forgot a buddy of mine's show.
It's going on tonight.

What kind of show?

He's this musician.
His name's Naiqui.

Like, this whole funk,
soul, whatever.

Is he good?

Yeah, he's incredible. It's just

there's, like, a crapload
of people there and it--

We're good.
We don't have to go.

You're here. It gives me
a perfect excuse. We're good.

Let's go.

No, I'm saying we don't have to.

No, but I'm saying I wanna.

-No, but--
-Naiqui?

Oh! Oh, my God. Naiqui?
I love Naiqui.

He's my favorite.

Oh, Naiqui!

Naiqui is playing?
In this town tonight?

I forgot I have tickets!

Come on.

Come on, Dyl.
I'm in town for one night.

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ If you're shy ♪

♪ I will take my sweet time ♪

♪ And use my... ♪

♪ And I will show you ♪

♪ ...I won't do ♪

♪ It's okay if you're shy ♪

♪ I will take my sweet time ♪

♪ And use my hands
To ease your mind ♪

♪ And make you feel like ♪

♪ A woman ♪

♪ A woman ♪

♪ A woman
(Make you feel like) ♪

♪ This is how
A woman should feel ♪

♪ And I will show you ♪

♪ Let you down, I won't do ♪

♪ It's okay if you're shy ♪

♪ I will take my sweet time ♪

♪ And use my hands
To ease your mind ♪

♪ And make you feel ♪

♪ Li-i-i-i-i-i-ike
(It's okay if you're shy) ♪

I am gonna be
your wing woman tonight.

♪ It's okay baby ♪

Her.

♪ Imma take my time ♪

Her? Her? Her?

Are you just pointing
at every random girl you see?

Yes.

♪ And make you feel like
Feel, like ♪

♪ It's okay, baby
If you're shy ♪

♪ I will take my
Sweet time ♪

♪ Use my hands
To ease your mind ♪

♪ And make you feel like ♪

♪ Feel like a woman ♪

♪ I was always
The type of person to run ♪

We're dancing.

No f*cking way.

♪ Couldn't give much of my time
I guess I had no faith ♪

-Dylan.
♪ I had no faith ♪

Dyl.

♪ So used to my way of things
But you can play that game ♪

♪ You can play too, girl ♪

♪ But I can't leave ♪

♪ If something about you
Makes me want to stay ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Here we are now
And I really like you ♪

♪ I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you ♪

♪ They way you dress it ♪

♪ Keep those eyes on you, girl ♪

♪ You walk your walk ♪

♪ You know
Everybody wants your pearls ♪

♪ They wanna try it
Isn't this so exciting? ♪

♪ So I didn't bother ♪

♪ I wanna wear your
Pearls! ♪

♪ One thing
That I put it... ♪

♪ I mean I don't mind
What you would say ♪

♪ You got 'em... ♪

♪ You know that I am good
To make you trip ♪

♪ Girl, I go ahead
And I die ♪

♪ I don't think anyone's seen ♪

♪ Pearls as expensive
As yours ♪

♪ If there's nobody
Then tell me... ♪

Never took any classes.

It's crazy, right?

♪ And I really like you ♪

♪ I am feeling your spirit
When I am around you ♪

Who's cool?

Dylan's cool.

♪ ...on you, girl ♪

♪ You walk your walk ♪

♪ You know
Everybody wants your... ♪

♪ Pearls ♪

♪ So when
You want... ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I just wanna wear
Your pearls ♪

♪ I don't think you know
how beautiful it is, baby ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ I say diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds are
A girl's best friend ♪

♪ Pearls! ♪

♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ I say diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds are
A girl's best friend ♪

♪ And pearls, oh, man! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ I wanna wear your
Pearls! ♪

Life is bueno.

Life is good.

- Life is good.
- Bueno.

- Eye contact.
- Yes.

Mm. So, how do y'all
know each other?

Oh, God. We've known
each other since we were kids

and all that jazz.

Yep. Pretty much best or,

only friends all throughout
high school.

Uh...

Actually, it was, uh, matching
Halloween costumes

and all that jazz.

One year we went as, um,

gender-swapped
Justin and Britney.

I know my boy looked good

in pigtails and
a little schoolgirl skirt.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Red leather Britney.

Get the f*ck outta here.

- Wait, wait, I have--
- Red leather?

Wait, I have the photo.

-I have the photo.
-You're just hellbent

on embarrassing me
tonight, aren't you?

Yeah, why not?

Not a department
you need help in.

Can't find it.

Come on, Dyl.

See, this is why
I didn't want to do it.

You were fine.

- Hey.
- My brother.

Man, good job in that, bro.

-Oh, thank you.
-I'm gonna get out of here.

-Oh, you outta here?
-Yeah, man, gotta get going.

Oh, you know what?
Let's all take a picture

for the gram real quick.
All four of us. Come on.

-I look gross. I look gross.
-Nah.

What, you can't be seen
with two brothers in public?

Oh, I'm brown too.

Oh... so we are on
different shades now.

I know how you
light-skinned folks see us.

- Okay, for the record--
- No!

You don't get to talk.

Listen, these white people
on that new drug.

-Imma get out of here, bro.
-My man.

-Good show, man.
-Thank you, brother.

Yes sir.

This is so good, man.

It's so good you guys
kept in contact all those years.

That's it?

Thank you, bye.

Oh, hey.

-Tsundoku.
-Hmm.

Do you want something to drink?

Uh, no.

I actually have to get up early,

so I'm just going
to order an Uber.

Look--

I want to apologize.

I know I've been MIA for
a while now, and I feel bad.

That's okay.

That's okay?

What?

Nothing.

I mean--

It's just--

I-- I don't mean
to be an as*h*le, but

does the phone
not work both ways?

I don't get it.
Did you just say sorry

so that you would
hear me say sorry?

No, that's not why I said sorry.

So then it's all on me?

No, it's not--

It's just--

I tried.

Okay? I call. You never
called back or even texted.

Okay, so, like, did you try

or were you MIA, Dyl?
Which one was it?

Or were you saying you were MIA

because you were commenting
on the fact that I was MIA,

and you're doing your Dylan
passive-aggressive bullshit?

Are you shutting off now?
We're not having this talk?

Okay, cool. Great, cool.
Then I am the d*ck. Cool.

Awesome. Great.
I just want to let you know

that the only reason
we're together

is because I reached out.

Oh... Thank you.

You're welcome.

This is ridiculous.

-No, sh*t.
-Well, I'm sorry.

Why are we fighting right now?

Why are we fighting,
were we having a good time?

Yeah, we were,
but that's the problem.

You know, if we
enjoy each other so much,

why did we stop talking?

-I-- I don't know.
-You wanna know my theory?

Sure.

Hmm.

I think you got tired of me.

I think you started
to look at me

as sort of a burden
to hang out with,

because I always went to you
with my problems.

And so when I picked up on that,

I stopped going to you
with my problems.

And when that happened,

I don't think you knew
what to do anymore,

because I think you liked it.

-You think I liked it?
-Yep.

Unbelievable. Oh, my God.

- f*ck you.
- Wow!

f*ck you. You know what?

You want to have a
whole pity party about this

because you're such a downer
when the reality is,

that's not even a f*cking issue.

Then for Christ's sake,
Zoey, what is it?

It's the fact that--

that you won't indulge
in anyone else's problems

but your own.

Oh. Yeah, that's good.

Typical Zoey.
Grab your stuff. Walk away.

I'll talk to you
in another couple of years.

Oh, yeah? Cool. I'll give you
your birthday text, dude.

Don't bother using
exclamation points

because we both know
it's not the punctuation

that makes you a b*tch.

Hey, do you
remember me telling you being--

f*ck.

I know you care, Dylan.

You're the kindest person
I've ever met, but...

f*ck, if you aren't
a selfish as*h*le sometimes.

You think I got tired of you?

I love you.

You're my favorite
f*cking person in the world.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

-You don't have to do that.
-Zoey.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just got scared.

I didn't want to keep spending
the rest of the night

pretending everything's good
and we're happy when...

I don't know if come tomorrow,

everything's just going
to go back to how it was.

I get it.

You're not a b*tch.

But you do use too many periods.

You are passive-aggressive...

...but like everyone's
passive-aggressive, so...

What would you say...

to a little...

peace joint?

I'mma bash you over the head
with that f*cking thing.

See, this is why
you're still single.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God. It's so cold.

-Well?
-I didn't even know

you still played that thing.

Play is a strong word,
but yeah, I f*ck around.

Does f*cking around mean
you have a song?

Oh.
You do have a song.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, my God. I knew it.

It's stupid.
Doesn't even make sense.

f*ck that. I want to hear it.

Yeah, the lyrics
are, like, weird.

Oh, my God. Zoey? I love Zoey.

She's the best.

Touché?

-Just play it.
-I can't. Okay.

I'm mentally preparing.

♪ I can't see myself
Too clearly ♪

♪ It's just
Fragmented bits of me ♪

♪ I look
Like a f*cking Picasso ♪

♪ Why is my left eye
Where my cheek should be? ♪

♪ And my... ♪

♪ Brain is like
A Jackson Pollock ♪

♪ Just scattered chaos
In my mind ♪

♪ It's a
f*cking sort of violence ♪

♪ Sort of pretty ♪

♪ But it's all right ♪

♪ Because then other days
It's like Van Gogh's ♪

♪ Starry nights
And the paint strokes ♪

♪ Soothe my mind ♪

♪ Whirling clouds
And shining stars so bright ♪

♪ And it's all right ♪

♪ Until I cut off my ear
And start bleeding ♪

♪ Profusely all over
the living room floor ♪

♪ Oh, my God, I'm bleeding ♪

♪ Oh, my God
I'm getting kind of dizzy ♪

♪ I think I'm gonna throw...
I think I want to... ♪

♪ But it's all right ♪

♪ Because I ♪

♪ Have another day ♪

I love it.

I dunno what
the second part is though.

Zoey.

I love it.

Grab a handful.

Are you--

You know it.

They taste better at the movie.

Sh. This is my favorite scene.

Mm. Mm?

Mm. Mmm.

I can't believe
this is where you live.

And write and masturbate.

That's it?

- I sleep sometimes too.
- Huh.

Hey, do you ever wonder
why some porn categories

are more popular than others?

There's a segue.

Oh, you mean, like--

You mean, like, a**l?

Yeah, but like, that's not
even the top three,

I don't think.

What is it about a**l
that does it for people anyway?

And this is asking
as a completely ignorant virgin.

I mean--

-Have you done it?
-Yeah, I've done it.

- Why?
- No.

I don't know. It feels good.

To get your a*s torn open?

Doesn't it hurt?

Okay. First of all,
this isn't Alien.

And it's a good pain.

Can you even c*m that way?

I mean, it's hard,

but the point of sex
isn't necessarily to c*m.

I mean,
it's wonderful if you do,

but that's not what it's
all about. I don't think.

Anyways, yes,
I have c*m from a**l.

I don't do it all the time.
Maybe once in a while, but...

it's such a hassle though.

Ugh. I mean if you
want to do it right,

and not get mess anywhere.

Mess?

Take a wild guess.

Okay. Calm down, virgin.

There are going to be
some weird sh*t sometimes.

Sometimes, literally.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.
You're going to love it.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. So one of
the first times I tried it, um,

I, uh-- I didn't understand

the importance
of the whole prep process.

-There's a prep process?
-Of course.

There's a prep process.

What-- What would you even do?

I don't know. You, like,
do sh*t or whatever you like.

You go to the pharmacy,

you get an enema,
you stick it up your butt,

you make sure
you have a lot of fibres,

so you're regular,
hydrated, and whatever.

Yeah, there's a prep process.

Anyways, idiots like me
have to learn that the hard way.

I did it with my boyfriend
at the time.

Nice guy.

Scared of even trying it,

-but curious
-Of course.

I mean, I was too.
I hadn't ever tried it before.

Anyways.

So we go to the shower
because we think that's

the smartest thing to do
in case anything goes wrong.

And thank God, we did,

because we were 100% right.

Anyways, so he puts it in

and we start slowly
because side note,

a**l will make any guy's d*ck
feel at least 73% bigger.

-Noted.
-So he's...

f*cking me in the a*s.

He's got this smile
plastered on his face.

God bless him

And I'm enjoying it
more than I had anticipated.

But I'm also feeling this
weird sensation or whatever.

And being
the nice guy that he was,

when he noticed this,
he did the nice thing

and...
...pulled out.

Which is when I...

sh*t everywhere.

I know, I know, I know.
I know, I know, I know.

And I will never forget
the shriek

that he let out like--

And all the while, I'm still
releasing mind you

and I'm profusely apologizing
and I'm maneuvering my body,

so at least
I'm missing his legs.

No, I can't. That's--

-That's f*cking wild.
-Oh, my God.

I mean, weren't you embarrassed?

Of course. Are you
kidding me? I was mortified.

I was traumatized.
I never wanted to do it again.

-And we didn't.
-Obviously.

You see, that's the thing.
Not obviously.

I firmly believe that the person
you're meant to be with

is the one that you
can literally sh*t on

and they still love you.

Which is like weird,
and f*cked-up or whatever,

but that's the comfort.
At least for me,

that I feel
is necessary to have

a successful relationship,

especially when it comes to sex.

I mean, sex is like the
messiest thing you'll ever do.

It can smell,
people have disturbing faces,

like you can fart,
you can queef, whatever,

I mean, but at the end of it,

that person still loves you

even if you
don't make them c*m.

I mean, if you make them
c*m consistently,

they'll probably
love you forever, but...

I think that just
comes along with

being vulnerable and comfortable

with that person
in that relationship.

That's when you get
to ride that sweet spot...

of f*cking sometimes

and making love most times.

Here I was just hoping
for missionary.

Oh, come on.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Okay. You're telling me

that when you're
sitting at home alone

with a bottle of lube,
watching porn,

that you're clicking
on the search bar

and you're typing in "vanilla"?

First of all, I rarely
let my lube watch porn.

Yeah, whatever.
You know what I mean?

-What do you watch?
-Uh...

Oh, come on.
I just showed you mine.

You're not going to show me
yours? What is it?

-I don't know--
-Bondage.

- Hentai. g*y porn.

-I--
-What?

I think it's funny how,
you know, girls can talk

about how they watch
l*sbian porn,

and it's not
a big deal, you know?

It's like, "Oh, yeah,
that makes sense.

You know, that's hot."

But when a guy talks
about watching other guys,

and it's like,
"Hmm. Wait a minute.

Are you sure you're not g*y?"

I think that's how
some people see.

- But not all people.
- But...

-A majority.
-Okay, yeah.

But see that's the problem.

We all play this game
of hush-hush

and pretend when it
comes to sex and porn

and that just makes
everyone feel guilty

when they go home
and they watch it in private,

which is bullshit.

I mean-- I guarantee you--
I guarantee you

that if some hacker group
came out

and released
everyone's search history,

made it public information,

the world will be
a much happier place.

And I don't disagree.

Which is why I'm telling you
I'm not judging you.

So feel free to personally
unload your burden.

It's not like
it's some big deal.

Okay? It's not some crazy burden
like you're making it out to be.

Do you watch g*y porn?

-I--
-Okay, so you watch g*y porn.

Okay. Okay.

Yes.

I have watched g*y porn before.

And admittedly...

I still watch it
from time to time.

Okay? Not a significant
percentage, but...

I still watch it all the same.

-Are you g*y?
-No!

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

I'm proving your point, idiot.

I'm saying
that you get to decide

what you are
because ultimately

you're the only one who knows
who you want to be with.

Yeah, but it's not that simple.

I mean, Jesus. Like, my first,

my only sexual experiences
are with a guy.

You know, part of me can't help
but see men sexually.

And I don't know, I don't--

I don't mean to get all nature
versus nurture.

No, I get it.

Sometimes I wish I was g*y.

Meaning, if I was...

that would explain so much.

You know, it would mean that
I'm not scared or embarrassed.

I'm just g*y.

You know, I'm not into women.

But I am.

-Into women?
-Yes.

Obsessively. Like, exclusively.

Except for those
few revved-up moments.

And, you know, I'm
always dreaming up

some f*cking fairy tale for me

and every pretty woman I see,
you know?

But then there are
those other moments

and I get all confused
and f*cked up.

Okay, well,
that's why I'm sitting here.

And I'm telling you

that you're
totally normal, Dylan.

I love you and I accept you.

All of you.

You know what is f*cked up?

Even if I was g*y...

I would have to deal with

not only the prejudices
that already exist,

but also my own psyche.

You know, wondering

if I'm only g*y
because I was molested.

I mean--

f*ck.

Hey.

Did you ever see
that documentary

a couple of years back?

The Act of k*lling,
you know, about those dogs

from the Indonesian genocides,
recreating their atrocities?

Oh yeah,
that was insane. Hard to watch.

You know, in the end, when...

the main guy is watching
the film and he expresses

maybe not regret, but...

at least some sense
of understanding of

the pain he inflicted. I--

I felt some strange
sense of hope.

Like, you know, if a monster
like that can acknowledge,

even in some small way
that why he did hurt people,

then maybe there's
some hope for humanity.

You know, like,
if people can learn, then,

you know, they can change.

Then I start thinking
of the millions of victims,

you know, the dead,
the m*rder*d.

Like, what are they
supposed to learn?

How do they change? You know?

You know, when you die
or your parents die,

like, how do you change,
you know?

Or when you're r*ped
or molested,

how do you move on?

I mean, people do,
so I'm told. I mean,

I'd love to know how because I
still can't figure it out.

I mean, you know...

All I can see is

my piece of sh*t cousin
is married with kids,

living his f*cking life,

and-- and-- and that's fine.

You know, I don't--
I-- I'm serious.

I don't begrudge him
his life. I just--

I hope he feels such crippling,
f*cking guilt.

I hope every day
is a brutal struggle

with shame and fear and regret.

And I hope--
I hope he suffers every day

of his miserable
f*cking life like I do.

If I could move on,
then by all means,

I wish him the same.
But until then...

f*ck him.

He's moved on.

He probably has.

Of course, he has.

You should too.

I had a friend...

Tell me once...

She said...

"You know who has victimized you
the most in your life?

You."

She said, "Your cousin
stopped molesting you

when you were ten and...

you've picked up
the baton ever since."

And...

it knocked me out.

I knew she was right, but

f*ck, if it didn't hurt,
you know, like,

realizing that all that misery,

all those years of pain,
I did it to myself, you know?

And if I want it to stop,
you know,

I have to be the one
that stops it.

Like, I have to--
I have to be the one.

And I can't.

I-- I can't. I want to so badly,
but I just--

-Why not?
-I don't know.

-Yes, you do.
-I can't. I--

- Come on. Take control.
- I-- I just--

You are in control.

Okay? You know that, right?

You are the one
who gets to decide

how you want to live your life.

What is it going to take?
What does it change?

I-- I've thought this over
so many f*cking times.

If-- If I could just get
rid of this f*cking...

You know, if I could just
get rid of this-- this f*cking,

you know, and move on, you know,
and be normal, you know?

And for the first time
in my life,

not hate myself
for not being normal.

I could let it go.
I think I could, you know?

But-- And I know.
I know, I know.

I need to just stop
skirting around the edges

with these massages
and just get a prost*tute

and just get it over with.

-Do you want to take care of it?
-Yeah, I do.

-I really f*cking do.
-Yeah?

Yeah, I-- I'm so sick of this.

Then let's.

Let's?

Take care of it.

-Are you saying...
-Yeah.

Are you serious?

Do you want to go back
to your place?

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Hey, hey.

No more embarrassment, okay?

Okay.

Oh, you don't have to do that
if you don't want.

I want to.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay?
- Yeah, okay.

Okay.

-Zoey?
-I can't, I can't, I can't...

Okay. It's okay.

-Zoey, are you okay?
-Yeah.

-Are you okay?
-Okay.

-Okay.
-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-No, no... I just--
-No, no, no, it was too much.

-I understand.
-No, no, no, no. It's--

- It's not that.
- It's um...

It's-- It's complicated.

It's just complicated.

f*ck.

You can talk to me.

Okay.

Uh, so...

about a year ago,

I was working the night shift

at this bar on Colfax because...

...entry-level journalist
salaries

don't exactly pay the rent
in Denver, you know?

I noticed this guy
in the coal section one night...

and he kept coming
in more and more.

And I was aware of him
because he was cute...

and he would stare at me.

I thought it was really sexy.

One night for the first time,
he sat in my section.

And again
he didn't say anything.

He would just--
He just stared at me.

And I thought that was weird.

I told him, I'd give him
some time

and I walked down

the staff hallway to my locker.

I still remember
the pain of my knees

bearing down on the cracked
tiles of the bathroom floor.

I could feel everything
and I can feel it.

I can feel it now.

It's this--
It's like this phantom pain,

you know, that comes in waves.

And I remember everything.
You know, like, he...

He had his hand over my head.

And I was struggling
to move it away,

not because I believed I could
actually do anything about it,

but because he had my head

right next
to the toilet plunger.

And I felt
really nauseous

and I didn't know
if I was feeling nauseous

because of what was happening

or because of
the f*cking plunger.

And I wanted to scream,

but I couldn't really scream

because my voice just
disappeared into nothing.

I tried not to feel anything,
but that didn't work.

I just really wanted to go numb.

I can just switch off.

But my knees hurt really bad,

so I focused on my pain.

Focussed on my pain
from my knees,

like a mantra, you know?
Like, you just--

Like you use your pain
to mask your pain.

Zoey, I...

f*ck. I am so sorry.

No. No, no, no. Hey, hey.

Don't be. I am sorry.

That's why I quit my job.

That's why
I stopped seeing you.

That's why I stopped seeing
everyone. I just retreated.

The worst part is--

I mean, there's a lot of
worse parts, but...

...it's thinking of college.

What happened in college.

I used to never
really think about it

or I compartmentalized it enough

to just, like, live my life
and get along

with it.

But now I think
about it all the time.

Now it's just running through
my mind all the time, every day.

Like, they're just,
like, little details of

that night that just
go through my mind

or, like, smells and stuff,

like, I can't walk
down the street

and smell a guy's cologne
without feeling sick.

I'll run through that night,

I was flirting with them,

which is f*cking normal,
you know?

You're flirting with people and

then I decided to make out
with one of them

and the other one
was just, like, hovering,

and I thought that he would just

take the hint and...
just go away, but he--

Because I'd already
made my decision, but...

I didn't know that they
already decided

what was going to happen.

Then I see myself
giving in because, maybe,

it doesn't have to be that
if I give in,

if I let it happen,
it doesn't have to be that.

-Did I let it happen?
-No, you didn't.

I don't know, man.

-Did I let it happen?
-You didn't let it happen.

sh*t. Dyl, if I
can't outrun that,

what the f*ck am I
going to do with this one?

Zoey, I--

I don't even know
where to begin.

It's fine. Bah!

I'm sorry I loaded on you.

Are you kidding?

Thank you.

Zoe...

It's okay.

I'm sorry I broke down tonight.
If--

You know, if you felt like
you had to do this all for me.

If I brought all this up--

No, you didn't bring up anything

that wasn't already
at the surface.

Dyl, I have
to break through this.

I need to... I...

I need you.

I need someone I can trust...

because I'm terrified
of everyone else right now.

I can't go on feeling like this.

Hmm?

I know you understand that.

I do.

So, we're good.
So, if I just cry

or freak out or whatever,

I'll start crying too.

What?

-What?
-Sit with me.