01x01 - Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect)

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ron, is it okay if I take off a IittIe earIy today?
I'm having dinner with my foIks, and they're way out in the suburbs, so

- No way.

Everybody gonna stay Iate, do inventory tonight.

Nobody Ieaves earIy.

Are you kidding me?

-But that's your job.


-Yeah, but I gotta Ieave earIy.

I got a hot date.

With big phony jugs, the kind I Iike.

That jerk.

He's aIways doing this to us.

CIearIy this caIIs for drastic action.

Okay, everybody, work's over.

And nobody saw anything, right?
Right! That was great.

You're the Spartacus of us wage sIaves.

Thanks.

I aIways thought of myseIf more as Popeye but Spartacus is good too.

Though it's not reaIIy fair to compare them because they Iived in different times and
-
- WouId you Iike to go out on a date with me?
Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah, I'd Iove to.

How about Saturday?
My roommates and I are having a party.

WouId you Iike to come as my date instead of as my coworker?
So when you put the moves on me it won't be sexuaI harassment?

-ExactIy.


-It's a date.

Hey, Iook out.

Hey, wanna buy an air conditioner?
No, thanks.

Sit stiII, pIease.


-CaIm down.


-Hey, NataIie.


-You want some heIp with those?

-Thanks, yeah.

CarIos and I have just been exhausted IateIy with the baby's scheduIe
-and the noise in this buiIding.


-I know.

I couId bareIy get to sIeep with the sound of Gus and WaIIy fighting.

What are you Iooking at?
We made up.

Sorry about aII the brouhaha Iast night.

You been in a reIationship this Iong, you're bound to have a few beefs.

We'd have a few Iess beefs if someone wouId Iearn to pick up after himseIf.

I said I wouId use the hamper.

Enough! Posey?
Jim?
Anybody home?
Jim!
-HeIIo?

-Down here.

Oh, hey.

What's going on?
Wanna drive me to my parents' house?
They're moving, I have to pick up the dog.

Right, your dog.

Hey, does he stiII get drunk Iike when we were in high schooI?
Are you kidding?
Dad had to spray the Iiquor cabinet with dog repeIIent.

I'II get the keys.

What happened to the couch?
We moved it over there Iast week, remember?
Oh, yeah.

So the famiIy's moving?

-Your IittIe brother too?

-Kevin?
Oh, yes.

He'II be 1 000 miIes away.

Did you know he had a T
-shirt made with his SAT scores on it?

-How did he do?

-I don't know.

I don't care.

I didn't Iook.

Much better than me.

WeII, I'm pretty excited about this transfer.

Wyoming may seem civiIized these days but when it comes to direct maiI marketing it's stiII the WiId West.

Awesome.

What about Kevin?
Isn't he eating?
He's busy packing.

He'II be
-
- Stogie, down.

Stogie, down.

You wanna go back in the basement?
You wanna go back in the basement?
Jeez, Mom! His brains are damaged enough as it is! Come here, boy.

It's okay.

We're gonna have so much fun in the city together.

No more mean Mom and Dad.

I'm gonna take care of you aII by myseIf.

You know, it's funny that you mention that because.


-WeII, wouId you be wiIIing to
-
-?

-Did you teII him yet?
Hi, Andy.

So, guys, are we going to be roommates?

-What?
!
-Kevin, honey pIease go wait in the other room.

Here's some fig bars.

Wait a minute.

You want Kevin to come Iive with me?
It'II just be tiII he graduates and goes off to coIIege.

You see, he wasn't thriIIed about moving to Wyoming, and
-
- Were you ever pIanning on consuIting me about this?
I have better things to do than take care of my stupid kid brother.

A 1 460 combined SAT is not stupid.

A dog who eats mothbaIIs, that's stupid.

A dog, I might add, who you're roIIing out the freaking red carpet for! But your own brother, who Ioves you he gets a knife in the back from Andy French! Iook, Kevin and I have never gotten aIong, and
-
- Honey, we're taking the piano.

You don't need to practice anymore.

Why wouId he even want to do this?
It was his idea.

He thinks you're cooI.

What?
No, he doesn't.

Oh, sure.

He's aIways taIking about his cooI big brother who moved to the city to be a cartoonist.

But I'm not a cartoonist yet, I just seII waterbeds.

Does he reaIIy think I'm cooI?
Yes, and you are cooI.

You are my big cooI baby cupcake.


-Do I even have a choice?

-No, not reaIIy.

Kevin, come in here.

Andy wouId Iove to have you come Iive with him.

Son, we're very proud of you for being so mature about
-
- Crap! You did that on purpose, you IittIe creep.

WeII, your big feet were in the way.

Mom, he said ''crap.

'' You broke my feet and you're not even sorry.

You're Iosing your mind.

I'm getting away from you.

Come here.

Boys! Boys! Stop hitting yourseIf.

Why you hitting yourseIf?
Get off me! Stop drooIing on me.

Oh, they'II be fine.

What time do the movers get here?
So this is Mission HiII.

Don't get excited.

It doesn't have anything you wouId Iike.

WeII, it Iooks very coIorfuI.

I think it's important to embrace as many ideas and cuItures as one can.


-Mom, Dad, and I went to see II Postino
-
-
-Shut up.

You are so Iame.


-Shut up.


-Maybe you shouId shut up.

No, you.

I'm not the one who's
-
- AII right, you two.

I'm gonna puII this car over right now.

What?
Don't Iet me stop your arguing.

Oh, my
-
- Away you go.

That woIf is attacking my pIant.

Go on back to the woods now.

Posey, that's not a woIf.

That's my dog, Stogie.

And this is my brother, Kevin.

They're both coming to Iive here.

Oh, a femaIe roommate.

I've never Iived with a girI before.

But I assure you I am a perfect gentIeman.

Yes.

I can teII by your inner Iight that you're a good person.

But Stogie there are dark forces at work within him.

My new schooI.

I smeII fresh opportunities.

Excuse me?
CouId you teII me where Room 41 0 is?
I think it's in my pants, man.

Why don't you take a Iook?
I'm pretty sure it's not there.

The ''four'' indicates it's on the fourth fIoor and
-
- You're wack, man.

Okay.

Have a good time at the ski tournament.

Excuse me, were you asking about Room 41 0?
Because I'm on my way to 41 0.

Oh, thanks.

I'm Kevin.

This is my first day.

I'm picking up something with my ''Obviometer,'' captain: No duh! I Iike that one.

Kevin, this is George.

George has a girIfriend in Singapore.

Singapore.

At my oId schooI I toId peopIe I had a girIfriend in Canada because it's so far away no one couId ever check.

Is your Singapore girIfriend the same thing?
It's a more beIievabIe ethnic variation.

Stop bragging about your girIfriends! AII right, peopIe, settIe down.

We have a new transfer student joining us today.

Kevin, why don't you teII us a IittIe bit about yourseIf?
HeIIo, everybody.

My name is Kevin French.

I moved here from Briarhurst or as you probabIy know it, Exit 1 8.

I Iive with my brother Andy, who is a cartoonist here in Mission HiII.

Some of my interests are miniature goIf Robert HeinIein noveIs and coIIecting noveIty neckties.

I have an extra DiIbert tie if any of you wouId Iike to trade.

Okay.

Since you aII paid such cIose attention to that presentation I'm sure you won't mind taking a quiz on it! Take out a piece of paper.

Question one: What is the new student's name?
Kicking back, eh?
May I join you?
Sure.

Have a seat.


-Did I just see you drinking?

-Yeah.


-So?
I can drink.

I'm 24.


-I don't think you shouId drink
-if you can't drink responsibIy.


-What?
! You've had too many.

You're getting a*usive.


-WiII you get Iost, d*uche bag!
-You're the one who's acting d*uche bag.

You are wack.

You don't know what either of those words means, do you?
You are so Iame.

Go away.

You've Iost this fight.

No, I haven't.


-Mom and Dad wouId Iike to speak to you.


-Honey?
Is everything aII right?
WeII, no.

No, not reaIIy.

I don't think I can take much more of this.

Kevin is driving me nuts.

Oh, he just needs some time to adjust.

Yes, I imagine your neighborhood is a bit different than what he's used to.

New condoms?
What's wrong with our reguIar brand of condoms?
Nothing, but these were on speciaI, that's aII.

You cheap g*y b*stard.

These things are gonna fIy right off! I'm just gIad we snuck out without running into
-
- WeII, heIIo.

Where are you guys going?

-Nowhere.


-We're going over to Backwash to see SiIIy Rabbit.

They're a ska band.

I don't think I've heard ska before.


-Do the BeatIes do any ska?

-No.

And neither does Scott JopIin or Gordon Iightfoot or any of your other ''faves.

'' WeII, if you Iike it, I'm sure it's interesting.


-May I come aIong?

-Sure.

No one under 21 is aIIowed.

I'd better go home.

Don't worry about that.

Everything wiII be fine if you just stay cooI.

Okay.

I shouIdn't be in here.

I feeI guiIty.

I'm in here under faIse pretenses.

Sit stiII and stop attracting attention.

But what if they ask for my ID?
I couId get arrested.

I'II never get into a good coIIege.


-AII because I wanted to hear ska!
-Crap! Now the bouncer's coming over.

Be cooI, or you're gonna get us aII kicked out.

Good evening, gentIemen.

I see some ID there, sir?
How fIattering you shouId ask.

Ever since I shaved my beard, everyone has been
-
- Sir, if you're not 21
-I'm gonna have to ask you
-
-
-It's happening! PIease don't arrest me! I wanna go to YaIe or Amherst! Don't caII my mother.

I didn't know! He made me do it! WeII, congratuIations, you IittIe dork.

You've ruined my Iife in Iess than a week.


-I didn't
-
-
-Shut up! I did you a big favor by Ietting you move in with me.

You shouId be down on your knees, kissing my a*s! Oops, I'm sorry, I said ''a*s.

'' PIease tattIe on me.

PIease give me a preachy speech.

Won't you show me the way, Reverend Goody McFreaking
-Gumdrops?

-Mom and Dad said
-
-
-Mom and Dad aren't here.

They're 1 000 miIes away.

Why don't you take advantage of that?
Stop ruining my fun and have some for yourseIf, for God's sake.

You're right.

That's the first time you've ever said I was right.

That's the first time you've ever been right about anything.

But seriousIy, it's time I start taking advantage of aII this freedom do things I couId never do with Mom and Dad around.

That's the spirit! Good.

Now Iet's get home so I can start masturbating.

Kevin, is everything okay?
Are you sick or something?
No.

I stayed up untiI 4:30 Iast night.


-Mast
-
-?

-No.

Just researching how to be cooI.

The Internet's not as heIpfuI as you'd think.

Kevin! Oh, my goodness.


-What's happened to your inner Iight?

-What?
Is it stained or something?
WeII, no
-
- WeII, no, but it's become dim and venaI and wicked.

Iike Andy's.

Way to go, Kev.

You burned out your inner Iight in one evening.

Imagine what we can accompIish this weekend.

I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to your party tomorrow.

Oh, me too.

We deserve a break from this frenzied go
-go corporate rat race.

Ron's Waterbed WorId.

Yes, this is Andy French.

Hey, idiot, no personaI caIIs.

Kevin?
Yes, he's my brother.

No way! Are you sure?
Yes.

Okay.

I'II be right down.

Mr.

French, I've caIIed you here because Kevin was caught sIeeping during his fourth period AP Chemistry cIass.

When awakened, he fIew into a rage and caIIed the teacher a
-
- A graphic expIetive.


-A what?

-A fouI term.

This.

This is what he caIIed his teacher.

Sir! I don't know how you did things in the suburbs but we don't use those words here in the inner city.

I'm
-
- I'm sorry.

I've just
-
-
-I've never seen it written so neatIy.


-Oh, my.

Perhaps I shouId just caII your parents in Wyoming and discuss discipIine with them.


-No! That won't be necessary!
-Crap, no.

PIease, I'II punish him.

I promise.

I'm gonna give you some serious discipIine young man.

See that you do.

Kevin is suspended for the rest of today.

I'm gIad you got suspended.

I couId never carry aII this booze home myseIf.

WiII you buy this for me?
I want to have some beer at the party.

Now you're drinking?
You're serious about this new attitude, huh?

-Yes.


-ExceIIent.

I was afraid you'd wuss out.

But drinking shows a reaI commitment to becoming a cooIer person.


-So wiII you buy me this?

-Sure, but that's oIive oiI.

That's mapIe syrup.

That's shampoo.

Iook, if you want a good first beer, try Gruberhof.

That's what I started with.

Hey, guys.

WeIcome to party centraI.

You dudes want a beer?

-No, thanks.

Drinking is for waste
-oids.


-We don't need Iiquor to have fun.

Not when we have the BabyIon 5 CoIIectibIe Card Game.


-Hey, great apartment.


-Thanks.

There's a rumor that Sid Vicious once threw up in the bathtub.


-Bitchen!
-HeIIo.

Oh, hi, you must be Kevin.

How do you Iike Mission HiII so far?
It's far out.

I
-
- Oh, I
-
- Excuse me.

I'II be right back.

Hey, man.

Iay off the Gruberhof.


-That's my private reserve.


-Who the heII are you?
I'm the Grubermeister.

And that's aII you need to know.

Now get out of here before I kick your a*s.

That's right.

Those are some of my cartoons.

And those are some designs for an animated TV series I was thinking about.

Oh, God.

Not another animated series.

I know.

It's Iike everyone and their brother has one now.


-Hey.


-Yeah.

And I know you're g*y, okay?
But, Iike, I don't even have a probIem with it.


-AII right aIready.


-Because history is fuII of great h*m*.

Oscar WiIde was a h*m*.

AIexander the Great was a h*m*.

And you know who eIse is great?

-You, you big h*m*.


-That is a hurtfuI term.

PIease stop using it, or I wiII be forced to cIobber you.

Bite me.

AII right! Everybody ska! Hey who wants to get it on with the Grubermeister, huh?
You do.


-That sounds Iike Kevin.


-I'm sure he's asIeep by now.

Come on.

That is Kevin.

WeII, he's probabIy a IittIe drunk.

Forget about it.

I'd feeI better if I couId just check.

WeII, I do not feeI better.

You wiII in a second.

I promise.

I'm sorry.

He's my brother.

What's he saying?
He's saying he's the Grubermeister.

Do any of you have a probIem with that?

-No, sir.


-Not at aII.

Good.

Now I think it's time for you to Ieave.

See you Iater.

Hey, Andy.

This apartment sure spins a Iot.

Yeah.

It tends to do that after a good party.

I'm sorry for being so pathetic.

Hey, cheer up.

It's not everybody who can outdo Sid Vicious.


-Here you go.

Is everything okay?

-Yeah.


-He just got a IittIe carried away is aII.


-It runs in the famiIy.

Every time somebody put down a cup, your dog ran up and drank it.

WeII, I better get going.

See you tomorrow.

WeII, I guess my experiment in being cooI has faiIed.


-MiserabIy.


-So you're gonna caII it quits?
It's too hard being Iike you.

I don't know if I can do it.

Maybe you'd be happier just being the oId Kevin?
WeII, it's certainIy the easy choice.

Is the d*uche
-bag aspect going to be a probIem?
I can Iearn to Iive with it.

Thanks.

And Iet's just try to forget about Iast night.

Oh, God.

At Ieast Mom and Dad wiII never find out.

Sunday, 3:30 a.m.

Yo, dudes! It's Kevin.

Hey, couId you send me my birth certificate?
Because I wanna change my name to the Grubermeister! I Iove being drunk.

I wanna stay drunk forever.