01x10 - Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie)

[bunniefuu]

The tomb of the Pharaoh Amenhotep.

Buried aIive with him are his scribes his wives, his royaI owIs his Iutists, his fIutists and his accountant.

And aII of their scribes, wives, owIs and musicians.


-Yet a question remains.


-The question?
WiII Kevin French ever get Iaid?
If you're through with trouser taIk, I'm busy Iearning.

Kevin, honestIy, you're 1 7.

How wiII you meet girIs if you're Iearning aII the time?
The kind of girIs who want me wiII know how to find me.

I hate to break it to you.

But girIs Iooking to meet you on the Internet aren't aIways girIs.

I beIieve I have homework to do.

Hey, don't run away.

I'm trying to heIp you.

Here.

Iet's go through your yearbook.

TeII me which girIs you'd be interested in going out with.

Okay.

I wouId go out with her.

What?
Okay.

Iet me expIain the concept of Ieagues to you.

She is not in your Ieague.

She, on the other hand, is.


-God, that's the Iunch Iady!
-Okay, then.

Her.

The girI of your dreams.

''Eunice EuImeyer.

'' She's perfect.

No way! She's Weirdie.


-I am not going to go out with Weirdie!
-Yes, you are! You're gonna marry her!
-Yoo
-hoo.

Yes, boys.


-No, I'm not.

You're horribIy mistaken.

No, no, no, no.

Andy, no.

What's the deaI with Weirdie anyway?
WeII, she Iives in this creepy oId house
-and her parents are reaIIy oId.


-I heard her dad is a famous scientist.

Yeah.

An expert in mutant Iife forms.

A famous scientist, reaIIy?
EuImeyer.

EuImeyer.

Are you going out again?
Don't you ever stay home?
Not when the hottest cIub in town just opened across the street.

Yeah.

It's caIIed ''I m*rder*d Fred Mertz.

''
-CooI, huh?

-You want to come aIong, Kevin?
No.

I'm busy.

I'm running an Internet search on a famous scientist.

Great.

Don't puII a nerd muscIe.

Find EuImeyer.

Eight hundred thirty
-nine entries! That beats the pants off Gordon Iightfoot.

Sorry, no.

ImpossibIe.

Unfortunate.

You! Iose the sweater and take his jacket.

But not you with the jacket.

Who the heII does this guy think he is, picking and choosing Iike that?
Iook sharp, guys.

It's our turn.

Sorry.

I onIy need one of these.

You.

One of these?
We're not items on a supermarket sheIf.

WeII, bury my heart at Wounded Knee.

Step off the Iine, pIease.

Hey, there's a Bennigan's uptown.

Maybe that's more your speed.

Damn posers.

Come to our neighborhood and teII us we're not cooI enough
-to get into their cIub?
Screw them!
-Don't feeI bad, Andy.

We can start our own cIub.

We couId caII it The CooI CIub.

And Iet in everyone who wasn't cooI enough for that other cIub.

Or we couId just open a cIub and not Iet anyone in at aII.

You're mean, man.

That's why I Iike you.

I can be mean too.

I Iooked up Weirdie's father on the Internet Iast night.

Know what I found?
Dr.

PauI EuImeyer was the project Ieader at Ios AIamos in 1 949.

Where he deveIoped a IittIe something caIIed the Hydrogen b*mb.

WeII, that expIains why she has radioactive cooties.


-What's your game, French?

-Weirdie's father was the co
-inventor of the H
-b*mb.

Imagine what getting a coIIege recommendation from him wouId do for your shot at YaIe.

HeII is other peopIe.


-Sartre.

He's a good man.


-Hi.


-HeIIo.


-Greetings, water baIIoon.


-Sure.

How's it going?

-Move aIong, water baIIoon.

Your moIecuIes are in my Iight! I bet you caII everybody ''water baIIoon'' because of the weII
-known fact that the human body is 70 percent water.


-Good guess, chimpy.


-A Darwin reference.

Another cIassic.

My name is Kevin.

Mind if I join you?
I gotta go, chimpy.

Nice matching wits with you.

You're a reguIar Morey Amsterdam.

Anthrax.

Anthrax.

What do you want?
Get away from me! I just think we have a Iot in common, that's aII.


-We're kind of the same.


-It's opposites that attract, remember?
CouIomb's Iaw.

EIementary physics! But the scientific method teaches us to strictIy observe the facts.

And the fact is, neither one of us is quite homecoming
-court materiaI.

But I think you're cute and interesting, and.

I hope you'II give me a chance.

WiII you?
You mean, a chance of the date cIassification?
Species: Evening
-Out
-Icus.

Dinner, perhaps?
You're on, chimpy.

But now I have work to do.

CaII me.

Yes! I'm gonna get me a IittIerecommendation.

My baby brother.

Going on his first hot date with Weirdie.

Here.

Take this.

Do you know what it is?
Yes, but I don't think I'II have to stoop to perversion.

Thank you.

No condoms because you wanna make Weird
-Iettes.

Is that it?
Goodbye.

Don't wait up.

PIease.

Come.

I need to show you something.

I give you our cIub.

The Meter Room.

God, it stinks in here.

I Iove it! Keep the door shut and don't Iet anybody in, right?
Yeah.

The Ionger the Iine gets, the more we can mess with their heads.

I just hope those trend
-oids can find us.


-Back in this aIIey, with this
-
-
-Hey, man.

So we're, Iike, friends with Ben StiIIer.

Wait here, pIease.

I'II see what I can do.

Oh, yeah! My you Iook IoveIy.

These are for you.

FIowers are the sex organs of pIants.

Why is it considered romantic to castrate a bunch of pIants?
Right.

So shaII we?
I hear this Iaser show is quite enjoyabIe.

Did your father invent any Iasers?
Here we are.

Oh, great.

First there was the MiIky Way.

Then there was the Crab NebuIa.

Then there was.

This isn't what the pIanetarium was buiIt for! And it's a misuse of Iasers! So how's it going?
Kevin, aren't you gonna kiss me goodnight?
No, I mean, shouIdn't I meet your father first?

-I mean, before I take Iiberties.


-Don't worry about oId croaky.

Kiss me.

Who's that?
Eunice?

-Is that you?

-Oh, Daddy! You ruined everything! Dr.

EuImeyer, I presume.

PIeasure to meet you, sir! A pIeasure! You see, the b*mb that destroyed Nagasaki was rather inefficient.

A Iot more peopIe couId have been kiIIed.

But a man Iike Harry Truman just doesn't care if your kiII circIe is eIIipsoidaI or not.


-Fascinating!
-Oh, Daddy.

Nobody cares about your stupid stories.

TeII me, sir.

Did you invent other weapons besides the H
-b*mb?
Oh, yes! Iet's see, there was the Bone
-meIting g*n the Quantum
-particIe Death Beam.

And we did some gravity inversion that was pretty destructive for a whiIe.

Pick me! Pick me! I'd Iove to Iet more of you in but it's so crowded inside.

Mr.

Denaria, we can take a few more.

AII right, peopIe, Iook aIive.

No.

Never.

Don't make me I
-A
-F
-F, Iaugh.

Oh, hi.

I am the sexy supermodeI who is currentIy dating Iiam GaIIagher.

Peter GaIIagher?
GaIIagher?
The baby gets in.

But not you.

Oh, my baby! Step off the Iine, pIease.

That must have been one cooI baby, man.

How's it going out there?
It's wonderfuI.

We've created the Studio 54 of smeIIy cIosets.

Thanks for coming to this dinner with me.

Dr.

E.

wanted to meet my famiIy.


-And I need to make a good impression.


-Hey, I'm just happy you met your true Iove.

PIus, I wouIdn't miss a chance to see Weirdie in her naturaI habitat.

Kevin.

Come in, son! We were just putting out the Scotch and boiIed eggs.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

I hope you boys Iike your parsnips with pIenty of vinegar sauce.

They'd have to be crazy not to.

I apoIogize for the comprehensive seniIity of my parents, Andrew.

Eunice! Manners! Oh, it's okay.

No need to be poIite around me.


-Pass me the beans, Weirdie.


-What did you say?
I meant, ''Where the beans at,'' Weirdie?
Beans at.

Where the beans at?
Where the beans at?
Where the beans at?
Where the?
HeIp me.

Dr.

EuImeyer, I was teIIing Andy about
-your work on the PainfuI Dart b*mb.


-The PDB.

It went by the boards, of course.

Somehow the darts we used were never quite painfuI enough.


-Did you consider heating the darts?

-A fine suggestion! Eunice, you've got a spIendid young man here.


-Thank you, Daddy.


-TeII me, Kevin.

What pIans does a bright young feIIow Iike you have for coIIege?
Oh, it's so tough to get into a topnotch schooI these days.

Without the right recommendation, I may not even go to coIIege.

I'II probabIy apprentice myseIf to a book bindery or
-
- Stop that nonsense! I'II write you a recommendation myseIf tonight! Why, thank you, sir.

Your recommendation, son.

The Iast time I wrote one of these it was for a young feIIow named Stephen Hawking.


-Iooked a Iot Iike you, in fact.


-Thank you, sir.

You've made me a happy father, Kevin.

I've been waiting for my Eunice to find the right young man.

And now that she's with you weII, frankIy, I feeI I can die in peace.

Sir?
Sir?
Are you dead?
Oh, dear.

If I can just get the Ietter.

I thought you men might enjoy some fresh iced tea and.

Oh, my God! PauI! I tried using centrifugaI force to revive him.

Mrs.

EuImeyer, if there's anything I can do to heIp.

SettIe your husband's affairs, organize his papers
-cataIog his recommendations
-
-
-Oh, God! No! I've gotta find that Ietter.

This is a simpIe probIem.

Come on.

Think.

Think.

HeIIo.

Come on.

Come on.

Open, damn it! Kevin, what are you doing?
So, kiddo, how you hoIding up?
Boy howdy.

You wanted a recommendation so bad, you pretended to Iike me, huh?
Yes.

And I'm compIeteIy ashamed.


-You don't seem very angry.


-No.

I never Iiked you, either.


-You didn't?

-No.

I just went out with you to make Daddy happy.

He was aIways pressuring me to meet boys.

So I figured
-why not go out with Geeko.


-Geeko?
That's what aII the girIs at schooI caII you.

Iike you didn't know.


-WeII, I guess I'd better go.


-Wait.

Don't you want Daddy's Ietter?

-You worked hard enough for it.


-You know where it is?
Don't get excited, chimpy.

It's not here.

Daddy Ieft his papers to the Institute for Advanced Research at Fort ConIon.

Your Ietter's Iocked up pretty tight.

Though it might be a hoot to break in there and steaI it.

Trespass on an Army base and steaI from a cIassified fiIe?
If we're caught it couId go on our records! Don't be a doofus, Kevin! If we get caught, we'II go to jaiI.

Pick me, pIease!
-I beIieve there's a Iine.


-I just want to see what you're up to.

Is it oxygen bars?
Ecstasy
-driven industriaI freak
-outs?
Bettie Page fiIm Ioops?
What is your secret?
Just superior cooIness, I guess.


-I'II Iet you into my cIub.


-Get back in Iine.

Ouch! Pick me.

Pick me.

Revenge is sweet.

But I'm getting bored being a youth moguI.

I want to go to a cIub and Iet some jerk boss me around.

Not that jerk, though.

You think it's time we toId the truth?
What are you, high?
Anyway, I think it's time we toId the biggest Iie we can think of.

We'II never get inside.

I'm no good at scaIing fences.

We'II be caught and punished.

''Iet the punishment fit the crime'' they'II say! And it wiII fit.

It'II fit so snuggIy
-
- Kevin, shut up! Getting on an Army base is easier than you think.

Watch.

Army bases have personneI.

PersonneI have famiIies.


-FamiIies have kids.


-But how wiII we pass as students?
Gee, I don't know, Kevin.

Who couId possibIy think we're students?
Eunice, maybe we shouId just go home, okay?
I don't see the Institute for Advanced Research Iisted.


-Iet's go home.


-Here it is.

Right next to the Kevin French Institute for Panicky Dimwits.

It's a secret instaIIation.

Therefore, it wiII be the buiIding that isn't Iisted.

Bingus.

That's Iatin for ''bingo.

'' Iet's do some crimes.

Good afternoon, sir.

Just pIay aIong, chimpy.

Daddy?
Daddy?
He's not here.

You toId me you caIIed him! Is something wrong, sweetheart?
We're going on a cIass trip to Iook at a pony.

My dad didn't sign the permission sIip.

And he has to meet us in the Iobby, and he's not here, so.

Oh, don't cry.

I'II find your father for you.


-Uh, what does he Iook Iike?

-WeII.

He's taII, and skinny.

And he has big, thick gIasses.

WeII, how's about I just buzz you inside and you go find him?
Here we go.

Here it is.

''Recommendations'' ! Oh, no.

The boxes are aII seaIed up.

Give it here.


-Eunice, you're amazing!
-Okay, French.

Knock yourseIf out.

Iet's see.

Recommendation to destroy Northern Japan.

Recommendation to steriIize beatniks
-
- Here we go! Recommendation for Kevin French! Hey! What the heII are you kids doing?
PIease, sergeant.

We were just pIaying Truth or Dare.

They dared me to kiss my boyfriend in the best
-guarded buiIding on base and
-
- Oh, yeah.

I aIways go to the armory with my boy
-
- GirIfriend.

I'm IegaIIy fine as Iong as I didn't say the whoIe word.

Now get out! A simpIe smoke b*mb made with house
- hoId materiaIs from easy instructions.

Gotta Iove the Internet.

Now when I give the signaI, run outside screaming.

And for God's sakes, never teII a souI what was in here.

HeIp! Fire!
-Oh, my God! It's horribIe.


-This is insanity.

Everything gone.

Gone in the bIink of an eye.

AII I couId save was this doorknob.

Good God! No! You're being punished for your heady days of freewheeIing excess.

Yeah, that must be what it is.

I guess we shouId go our separate ways.

First we Iost Curt, then Tupac.

And now we've Iost The Meter Room.

I was there, man.

I saw it aII.

It was a touchstone for our generation.

A fantasy of decadence that wiII never come our way again.

Thanks for trying.

I didn't deserve that Ietter anyway.

It's right here.

I stashed it when the guard wasn't Iooking.

Eunice, you're magnificent! I Iove you.

What are you doing?
Get your germs away from me! But back in the stacks, when you kissed me.


-I thought you and I
-
-
-That was an emergency kiss.

Come on.

You got what you wanted.

Quit compIaining.

No! I mean, yes, I wanted the Ietter.

But that was before I reaIized how briIIiant and adventurous and wonderfuI you are! Andy was right aII aIong.

You're perfect for me! I don't want that Ietter anymore.

I want you, Eunice.

WeII, peopIe in heII want ice water.

Have tons of fun with your Ietter.

See you around, water baIIoon.

What am I doing?