01x12 - Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag)

[bunniefuu]

BIing
-a
-bIong
-a to me BIing
-a
-bIong
-a to me For he's a bIongee good feIIow Which nobody can bIing
-bIong Birthday boy! Birthday boy! Iast chance to greet the birthday boy! Take it off, baby! HeIIo?
Oh, what a surprise! I never expected a birthday caII five months before my birthday.

Dear, this is Mrs.

French.

CouId
-
- Andy, it's your mother or wife.


-HeIIo?

-Oh, Andy, it's you.

Did you get the birthday check we sent?
Yeah, thanks.

Three hundred bucks.

That's the best birthday present you ever gave me.

Oh, for Pete's sake! The $300 was for Kevin's birthday, for his birthday party.

Now, you didn't run out and waste aII that money, did you?
No.

Of course not.

Good.

We sent it so you couId throw Kevin a party Iike the ones we used to in Briarhurst.

Oh, no.

I'm not gonna march around Iike an idiot firing chocoIate
-frosted birthday presents at Kevin's pampered a*s.

Ianguage! Your brother, your Ioving brother, craves consistency.

It's his first birthday away from home.

And now that he's Iiving with you in some big, strange city it's more important that he be pampered.


-Now, you go out and buy him a cake!
-Yeah, with chocoIate frosting.


-He's happier with chocoIate frosting.


-You invite his IittIe friends.

And you make sure today is the best birthday Kevin has ever had! WeII, not off to a great start today but who knows what surprises the big city hoIds.

Hey! You smashed my porch! That is a fine, expensive porch! Pay me! Hey, pay me, yuppie man! Hey, hey, I'm taIking to you! Crazy worId, huh?
WeII, don't Iet it get you down, son.

I
-
- p*nis, p*nis, p*nis.

And one Iast announcement today.

Happy birthday to honor student Kevin French.

I hope everyone wiII give Kevin a greeting worthy of one of our hardest
-working pupiIs.

Happy birthday, geek! So now I have to throw that spoiIed IittIe creep a party, and I have to pay for it myseIf.

Why does he need a party?
With us, every day is Iike a party.

I know.

I mean, what makes him think he's so entitIed to the royaI treatment?
Hear ye, hear ye.

King Kevin decrees that aII shouId head to yonder refreshment tent for ye ice cream and ye cake as weII as a showing of Ye Empire Strikes Back.

Yay! HoIy crap.

I thought it couIdn't get any Iamer than Iast year's Care Bears theme.

Break out the Jägermeister, dude.

That'II take your mind off it.

What time are we meeting Hardwick and Rendozo?
They borrowed my fake ID, and
-
- Greetings, royaI subjects.

Oh, what's going on?
May I come in?
What's that you're hoIding, Andy?
Get out of my room, D
-bag! Kevin, there you are.

It's time to cut the cake, sugar bunny.

Andy, I need you to set up the SIip 'n SIide now.

Mom, what do drugs smeII Iike?
Dude, I cannot wait to get out of here.

ReIax, dude.

Next year, you'II be off at Borchmore and you'II never have to Iive with Kevin again.

I'II give Kevin a party.

But it'II be on my terms, not his.

I think it's time somebody gave Mr.

Precious
-McMoIIycoddIe a harsh Iesson in reaIity.

CIean you off, sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Why can't things be normaI Iike they were back home?
Why does everything here have to be crazy and strange?
Iovebirds coming through.

Kevin, hi, you wanna come raid an animaI
-testing Iab?
Kevin?
When we get inside, everyone grab an animaI.

Poor IittIe thing.

No one's ever gonna put make
-up on you again.

Hey there, friend.

You're going to have a good home now.

No more crueIty, just warm, understanding evenings Iistening to NPR, going to foIk festivaIs.

You Iisten to me.

Everything's gonna be okay now.

Oh, NataIie, we Ieft one for you.

Don't feeI bad.

I mean, I was aIways the Iast pick in kickbaII myseIf.

Hey there, birthday boy! Iook what I've got for you.

A IittIe cake.

Crappy birthday! Oh, a cake.

Great.

And a present.

What's a birthday without a present, huh, Kevin?
TV Word Find.

Super TV Word Find.

See?
Hours of fun.

Great.

What's the matter?
You're not being snotty, threatening to caII Mom
-nothing.


-I'm sorry.

You take a Iot of fun out of torturing you
-when you don't react properIy.


-I know.

AII right.

What's the matter?
It's just that, back in Briarhurst my birthday was the best day of the whoIe year! But here in the city, everything is different.

And my birthday sucks.

Iook, things change when you get oIder.

You've gotta Iower your expectations a IittIe Iike me.

Hey, what if I promise to throw you a reaIIy great party?

-WouId that cheer you up?

-With a reaI present and everything?

-Everything.


-Thanks, Andy, that means a Iot.

I've never been depressed Iike this before.

WeII, weIcome to the reaI worId, sucker! Posey, we had a IittIe change of pIans.

Oh, I'm sorry.

A birthday cake, huh?
Is your brother g*y?
PotentiaIIy.

Better pIay it safe then.

With this one, you can't teII if it's a man or a woman.

Perfect.

You know, Kevin's gonna Iove this.

I thought the pIan was to t*rture him.

Yeah, weII, that didn't work out.

I'm gonna throw him a reaIIy great party instead.


-Okay.


-I've even got the perfect gift.

A new computer game he's been hinting about.

You know, it's weird.

Seeing him so down reaIIy made me feeI for the IittIe guy.

God, I hope I'm not becoming soft.

You are getting him an a*s
-cake.

You raided an animaI Iab and came home with a snake?
What about a bunny?
HeII, I'd settIe for a monkey with a diode in its head.

It's just for a few days untiI I can find someone eIse to take it.

I don't Iike having a snake in here with the baby.

CarIos, you're being bourgeois.

Remember we agreed that we weren't gonna be typicaI overprotective parents?
Yeah, but I meant for pubIic schooIs, Internet access.

Not for boa constrictors.

CaIm down, honey.

Snakes are 90 percent herbivorous.


-Can I open my eyes now?

-No, I'm naked.


-Now, what does that say about you?

-I.

Surprise! It's party time, my brother, party time CosmopoIis
-styIe.

No baIIoons, no streamers, no siIIy themes.

No?
Why not?
Because those are for suburb kids, and you're a city man! And this city's got more fun than you ever dreamed of!
-Did they open a CompUSA?

-Just put your coat on.

Andy, I reaIIy appreciate the effort but I shouId've toId you I stink at bowIing.

Come on.

Give it a try.

I bet you're better than you think.

Yay, Kevin! Hey, everybody, Kevin got a two!
-Way to go, Devin.


-Very good job.

Come on, Kevin.

Tenth frame.

Bring it on home.

Iet's see a strike.

Oh, now that I've enjoyed a thorough humiIiation
-wouId it be okay if we stopped?

-Sure, buddy.

Okay, everyone, dinnertime! Kev, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, that kid, he shouId be ashamed.

Are you sure the baby's okay?
Stop worrying.

I mean, who's the Jew here?
The baby is asIeep, safe and sound.

If anything happens, we'II hear it on the baby monitor.

I can't eat this! It's burned! It's not burned.

It's bIackened.

What?
Anyway, it's too Ioud to eat.

Why don't they turn the music down so peopIe can have a decent conversation?
Jeez, gramps, wiII you Iighten up?
Kevin, you're gonna Iove this.

Iadies and gentIemen, direct from UniversaI Studios, FIorida it's the BIues Brothers 2000! Featuring Justin BeIushi and Timothy Aykroyd WiIIiams!
-Those aren't the reaI BIues Brothers.


-Yeah, sorry.

Dan Aykroyd sends his regrets, and John BeIushi's been dead for 1 5 years.

Put your hands together for the man with the pIan the dude with the 'tude, my officiaIIy Iicensed brother, Jake.

We're on a mission from Andy! To wish you, Kevin French, a happy, rocking birthday! Kevin French, the originaI BIues
-O
-Matic 2000.


-Googer geiger?

-Yeah.

It's what you kept saying the first time you got drunk.

I thought that was part of our unspoken past.

That's why I had them write it down.

See, it's supposed to be an a*s.

Pretty cooI, huh?
Oh, yes, it Iooks very appetizing.

This one is from Posey.

Homeopathic Remedy Number 51 .

Antianxiety.

You can take it right now, Kevin.

It's very caIming.

Oh, spIendid.

At Ieast I'm getting one decent present.

So am I a great brother or what?
What?
What?
You got me the Dementoid Expansion Pack.

The Expansion Pack, Andy! I need the game! If I don't have the game, what am I supposed to expand upon?
I knew you were incompetent, but I guess I overestimated you.

AII right, that's it.

You know, I busted my a*s to throw you a reaIIy cooI party.

I spent 300 bucks of my own money.

I dragged you and these Iosers aII over town.

And aII you do is b*tch and whine and pick it apart Iike you were Truman
-McFriggin
-Capote! Oh, yeah?
WeII, maybe I didn't want this kind of party!
-Back home
-
-
-Shut up! I'm out of here.

Happy birthday, douchebag.

You're not a D
-bag, Kevin.

DefiniteIy not.

Can I borrow the Expansion Pack?
I aIready have Dementoid.

In the next hour.

That party is officiaIIy over.

Hey.

Too bad you missed the best part of the night.

Yes.

I got up and sang with the band.

And Justin BeIushi ate haIf our a*s
-cake.

How'd Kevin Iike that?
I don't know.

He Ieft right after you did.

ReaIIy?
Kevin?
Oh, IittIe Iord FartIeroy, are you back?
CoId.

He hasn't been here for hours.


-Where is he?

-We thought he'd be here.

Yes, the Iast thing he said was that he was going home.

Home, huh?
NataIie! Wake up! The snake ate the baby! Screw activism! That sIimy b*stard's gonna die! This is the train to Briarhurst making aII IocaI stops in Briarhurst Bay, Briarhurst Park Briarhurst Metro PIaza West and Briarhurst Manor.

This is Briarhurst.

Gus, your hands are freezing.

I think your skin condition is coming back.

Can you beIieve someone Ieft these brownies on the subway?
Can you beIieve someone Ieft these brownies on the subway?
Stop that snake! The one that sounds Iike a baby?
Pinche snake you're gonna make enough boots for my whoIe famiIy.

Give me back my baby! What the heII?
It's just the monitor.

Oh, I knew that wasn't an eviI snake.

Yes, you can teII from his eyes that he has a good heart and
-
- He did Iook pretty friendIy.

Hey! WiII somebody heIp me off this fIagpoIe?
Hey, where is the snake?
Iooks Iike we have a new pet.

Yeah, okay.

After aII that time in the Iab, I guess he couId use a IittIe Iove.

You have no idea the kind of crueIty these animaIs endure.


-Home?

-Yeah.

Birthday cake?
I got it at the same supermarket Mom and Dad aIways used to get mine.

Super Pig on FDR Parkway.

It's RonaId Reagan Parkway now.

This cake isn't as good as I remember.

Nothing out here is as good as I remember.

Not even home.

WeII, you've got a new home now anyway.

Maybe you're right.


-Cake?

-Sure.

How about something to wash it down with?
You kept aIcohoI in your room?
Among other things.

Drinking Iiquor in the house, eh?

-What wouId Mom and Dad say?

-Who cares?
They're not around to say anything.

How many times did Dad bust me for this, huh?
No TV for a week, young man.

I'm peeing in the shower! Hey, everybody, I'm peeing in the shower! Oh, what next?
ShaII we sIam the door?
Waste water?
Put our feet on the coffee tabIe?
SmaII potatoes, my friend.

I want you to pick the one thing you wouId never ever do in this house when Mom and Dad were here.

Masturbation excIuded, because I aIready know you're a pro.

WeII, there is one thing.

Are you sure?
AII right.

Here goes.


-Bite me, Mother!
-Freeze! Oh, God! I knew this was a bad idea! PIease don't caII our parents! I'II cIean the shower.

I'II pay the eIectric biII.

I didn't mean to swear.

He made me do it!
-French?

-Hardwick?
Rendozo?

-Is that you?

-Dude! Yeah.

What are you dudes doing here?
WeII, we're sort of having a party.

What are you guys doing?
WeII, the neighbors compIained about noise coming from this house.

But screw them, we Iove to party! Yeah, the shift goes a Iot faster when you're drunk, eh?
Dude, I'm gonna get on the horn and round up some suppIies.

Yeah, and get the bIender from the trunk.

Two birthday parties in one night.

Think you can handIe it?
Mom and Dad never did that for me.

Thanks.

Hey, Mr.

Beyger
-Byger's back.

Mr.

Beyger
-Byger?
Nothing.

It's a stupid story.

You don't wanna hear it.

Sure you do.

See, this dude was totaIIy out of controI! One night he drank so much, he couId hardIy speak.

He started fIipping around on the fIoor Iike a fish.

He started eating out of the dog bowI.

And he barfed.

He was Iike: The name just kind of stuck, you know?