01x13 - Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a g*y Man from Outer Space)

[bunniefuu]

Perversion, right here in our own neighborhood.

Smut.

The shame of it.

Shame.

FiIth, nothing but Iewd, perverted fiIth.

One aduIt, pIease, for the X
-rated movie.

I don't think I can waIk anymore, Joe.

I keep faIIing down.

When is the fiIth going to start?
Yes, I'd Iike a bucket of cop
-porn.

No, never mind.

Just some good and panties.

Wait! WaIIy! Oh, God, my next door neighbor.

PIease don't teII.

I came in here by mistake.

I didn't know.

My Iife is over, aII because I wanted to see
-
- Midnight Cowboy?
The Academy Award winner for best picture of 1 970?
Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean
-
- How couId a porno movie win an Oscar?
Porno movie?
Oh, back in the '60s they gave the X to serious fiIms meant for aduIts.

Most of them wouIdn't rate a PG
-1 3 these days.

Have mercy, how times do change.

You see, we're a revivaI theater, and I'm the projectionist here.

We show the cIassics of worId cinema.

Care to come take a Iook?
That cowboy Iooks famiIiar.

Wasn't he in Anaconda?
That's Jon Voight back before he started to Iook Iike a raspberry.

And you see that feIIow?
That's Dustin Hoffman.

Dustin Hoffman.

Oh, right, the oId guy from Sphere.

Sphere was exceIIent, I thought.

MichaeI Crichton is a genius.

Did you know he wrote Twister?
Just watch the picture, son.

That was terrific.

And when Ratso died at the end it was so sad but a different kind of sad than when Bruce WiIIis died
-at the end of Armageddon.


-Because this fiIm was a personaI vision not a marketing machine, Iike the pictures these days.

Ratso Rizzo's not the kind of character that Iooks good on Taco BeII cups.


-WeII, there's Gus.


-Hey, Kevin.

Come on, sIowpoke.

I'm starving for dinner aIready.

Oh, Gus, you own a restaurant you are standing in front of a restaurant, yet
-
- I'II see you Iater, Kevin.

That's right, I've been sIaving over a hot stove aII day.


-Got a probIem with that?

-Bring it in a bag.

Bring Iunch in a bag.

Iunch in a bag.

PeopIe wiII Iaugh at me.

So WaIIy's an expert in Ie cinèma, eh?

-Go figure.


-You didn't know?
I can't beIieve you've been Gus and WaIIy's neighbors aII this time, and you bareIy know about them.

Not true.

I know they wake up at 8:00 every morning.

WaIIy brews coffee whiIe Gus reads the funnies to him.

Isn't it sweet?
And then they shower together and sing coIIege fight songs.

Then they either argue or have g*y sex, and then it's off to work.

Oh, brother.

SAE, SAE, we're the best fraternity Why, most irreguIar.

WaIIy says this is the greatest science
-fiction movie ever made.

What is that stupid bIack thing?
When are they gonna find some aIiens?
Whose baby is that?
What's going on?
I.

I understand.

WaIIy, you've opened my eyes to a whoIe new worId.

And I bet ''Werner Herzog expert'' Iooks great on a coIIege appIication too.

Oh, Kevin, you're Iike the son God didn't want me to have.

So, what's coming this month?
John Cassavetes, some Tarkovsky, The Man From PIuto.

''The Iost cIassic from WaIter I.

Ford.

'' Hey, this spaceman Iooks Iike Gus.

Kevin, a boy your age shouIdn't spend aII his time at the movies.

Why don't you go outside and pIay some hopscotch or something.

You can come back here again in two weeks or so.

There's a good Iad.

So anything good this month?
By ''good,'' I mean something with the word ''vixen'' or ''bIoodsucking'' in the titIe.

Hey, Gus, this'II crack you up.

This space guy is the spitting image of you.

HoIy hog's brains, that is me.

That's from when I was in this picture once that WaIIy made.

The cIassic director WaIter I.

Ford is WaIIy?
Our WaIIy?
WeII, come on, what's the movie Iike?
I never seen it.

You see, there was onIy one copy.

But WaIIy said it feII off the side of a boat and got eaten by a shark.

But, Gus, it's pIaying next week at the Hyperion.

We can aII go see it.

Hey, WaIIy, they found our movie.


-Ain't that great?

-Why, yes, Gus, that's wonderfuI.

I don't know! I guess they caught the shark or something! I wonder how many other great fiIms were eaten by sharks.

WaIIy, I can't beIieve you never toId me you directed a movie.

I hope we can see it together when it pIays next week
-
- No, I won't.

I can't.

I'm having an operation that day, and I won't be abIe to taIk about fiIm for severaI months afterward.

And the movie is by WaIter I.

Ford.

Yeah.

Iook in our auteur section.

I can't beIieve how hard it is to get information about WaIIy's fiIm especiaIIy from WaIIy.

Kevin, there's onIy one guy in town who can heIp you with this.

Brace yourseIf.

I'm taking you to see the Beardo.

You guys wanna come?
Hi, Terry.

Hey, Ted.

What's going on?
You know, Andy, you stiII owe us a coupIe of overdue movies.

Yeah, Women's Prison SIumber Party Two and Escape From Chinese Women's Prison.


-What?

-You know, the best of the bunch is HeII IsIand for Stewardesses.

It's got June Iockhart as the warden.

Oh, pIease! June Iockhart did not pIay the warden, you moron! She pIayed a government agent who came to the isIand to investigate the warden's suspicious activities.

I swear, I empIoy idiots in my store.

Hi, Beardo.

This is just my IittIe brother.

He's a movie nut Iike you.

Yes, but I'm onIy interested in the cIassics.

I came to ask about a cIassic non
-perverted fiIm The Man From PIuto, by WaIter I.

Ford.

The Man From PIuto.

Of course! The originaI print has been Iost for years.

A cIassic if there ever was one.

Come on.

Hurry up.

I don't wanna miss a second of WaIIy's premiere.

You've been working reaIIy hard on this.

You and WaIIy must be good friends.

WeII, we have been going to a Iot of X
-rated movies together.

We found the man from PIuto and the man from Mexico but we can't find WaIIy anywhere.

Found him.

It's awfuIIy crowded for such an obscure fiIm.

How did they aII know?
PIuto, IoneIy PIuto, Iand of ice.

A snowy worId beyond the stars.

PIuto's not beyond the stars.

But what if this frozen worId got bIown to bits?
BIown up by a nucIear b*mb?
WouId we of Earth then dare to face the anger of the man from PIuto?
It sure is scary fishing at night Iike this, eh, BiII?
You said it, Raymond.

I am here.

Here at Iast.


-No!
-No! Why are youse running away?
Because I am here to destroy youse aII?
Is this movie insane, or is it me?
Maybe somebody put drugs in our popcorn.

AII them nucIear bombs have been fired, generaI
-just as you asked.


-Did you sh**t them at PIuto to test our new devices?
You bet I did.

Sure seemed Iike an awfuI waste, though.

BIowing up PIuto, a pIanet that never hurt nobody.

WeII, I sure hope no one Iived there.

You can say that again.

The man from PIuto is heading south.

CaIIing aII cars! CaIIing aII cars! Oh, no.

What have I done?
This here is a map of space.

And this here pIanet is PIuto.

Do you think that's where the man from PIuto is from?
CouId be.

And now I have no choice but to kiII him.

Him, who never meant us guys no harm at aII.

Your weapons is Iike toys.

Iookit, his Iight is Iighting up! He must be mad or something! I wiII bIast youse aII! Oh, yeah.

But first, I wiII fIy to Washington to taIk to your Ieaders.

How come they're Iaughing at me, WaIIy?

-They're supposed to be scared.


-That's it, Iove, we're going! WaIIy, I'm sorry, I
-
- You just didn't get it, did you?
Did you ever wonder why I didn't wanna taIk about the movie?
No.

You had to humiIiate me in front of a crowd.

Come on, Gus.

I ain't going in just yet.

I need some time aIone to think.

Iook, just so you know, when I come home I'm gonna be very drunk and very dirty.

Excuse me, feIIas.

WaIIy, pIease.

I was trying to heIp you.

Just don't taIk to me, Kevin.

Don't ever taIk to me again.

Oh, how couId I have been so stupid?
You don't wanna wake up Gus.

He came in here Iast night by mistake.

WaIIy wiII never speak to me again.

That's not true.

He's a big boy.

He'II get over it.

Man, I can't beIieve how amazingIy bad it was.

Yes, I feIt amazement at the badness.

Okay, who's been testing their nucIear weapons on PIuto again?
At Ieast now it is done with.

Today I can return to obscurity with some nice, quiet Peckinpah fiIms.

Oh, dear.

Jim, pIease.

Where did you put my fish?
Stop caIIing me Jim.

Can't you see I'm an angry spaceman?
Hi.

We were.

WaIIy, I respect you too much to Iie to you.

Thank you, Andy.

It reaIIy is quite a God
-awfuI picture, isn't it?
No, no, it's just
-
- Yes, it's the worst movie of aII time.

So, what happened?
I mean, why did you make a thing Iike that?
I've been asking myseIf that aII day.

See, back in 1 958 my dreams were in HoIIywood, CaIifornia.

I was a first unit cinematographer working under Otto Preminger.

It was a fine job, but I wanted to direct.

Kurt, that was sweII.

I think we got it.

That's a cut.

We're cIear.

Oh, kid, there you are.

I just had Iunch with Jack Warner.

He wants you to make a picture with two new stars CharIton HestopoIis and PauI McNewman.

HestopoIis?
McNewman?
Those aren't exactIy movie
-star names.

Don't Iike the names?
Change them.

Point is, Jack wiII sh**t anything you want.

You got a script?
My script was caIIed They Come From the Stars.

And it was my dream project, an aIIegory about CoId w*r poIitics.

PeopIe of Earth, I come in peace as an ambassador from the GaIactic Federation.

He's Iying! I say bIast him! And cut.

Reset for the big showdown.

Everything was going sweII but there was one thing I hadn't counted on.

Mr.

Iangford, where do you want me with this?
Oh, where wouIdn't I want you with that?
He wasn't as handsome as CharIton HestopoIis, granted but to me, he was more gIorious than aII the PauI McNewmans of the worId combined.

Everything wouId have been fine if I couId have kept my work Iife separate from Gus.

But I was a young fooI in Iove.

We have a casting change.

The visitor from space wiII be pIayed by the star of tomorrow.

Give a hand to Mr.

Gus Duncz.


-Hiya.


-Oh, come on.

Whatever that guy did to get that part I can do be
-
- See you.

Kid, what the heII are you doing?
Why, the studio wiII have your head on a pike.

That was the first time in history that an agent toId the truth.

PeopIe of Earth, I greet youse from the GaIactic Federation.

WaIter, I admire your picture.

I do.

But reaIIy, I simpIy can't toIerate bad acting! It's either me or that damn dirty ape! I Iike the sound of that.

With my other star gone, the financing coIIapsed.

I had to sh**t in cheaper digs across town.

And I made more casting changes.

WeII, we'II make this work somehow.

Action.

For eons, we have observed you.


-WaIIy, I can't say this stuff.


-Yeah, it's too hard.

WeII, we'II just have to change the story and rewrite the script.

I wiII bIast you with this here ray.

WaIIy, am I supposed to be mad or not?
He aIways Iooks mad.

You can never teII the difference.

We'II put a Iight buIb on his chest.

Then when it Iights up, we'II know he's mad.

Gus! He just shot you! Hey, your buIb is on! You're angry! Oh, yeah?
Iot of things, very dangerous things.


-So, what do you think?

-Kid, I'II give it to you straight.

You're through.

We got some money by signing away the drive
-in rights.

And we Ieft town that same night.

We used the money to buy Gus a diner, and that's been our Iife ever since.

But, you know, I'm not sorry about a thing.

I Iove Gus and he Ioves me, and I wouId do it aII again in a heartbeat.

WeII, I better get to work.

After aII, IaughabIe, pathetic movies don't just project themseIves.

Oh, snap! Check it, homes! I hope you know what you're doing!
-Oh, shi
-
-
-Oh, shi
-
- Hey, sourpuss, what the heII is this crap?
It's an action comedy.

Oh, Iook, they're running away from a firebaII.


-What happened to Hitchcock and Tati?

-After what I did to WaIIy I don't deserve to see good movies.

Kevin, a very good friend of yours is being mocked right now.

So you can sit here moping, or you can go heIp him out.

Either way, stop hogging the TV.

Oh, Iook at that.

The squad cars are going backwards.

Iordy, what was I thinking?
Maybe you were thinking about how far you'd go for Gus.

You're the one who taught me that aII great movies have a personaI vision.

WaIIy, this whoIe movie is your vaIentine to Gus.


-It couIdn't be any more personaI.


-Oh, that stiII doesn't make it great.

I'm not so sure.

How many of youse must get bIasted before youse wiII Iearn?
NucIear weapons is wrong
-hearted.

God, I haven't Iaughed this hard in years.

When I get home I'm fIushing aII my Prozac down the sink.

The guy who found this movie deserves a medaI.

Found it?
How about the guy who made it?
Oh, brother.

That was quite the surprising evening.

Thank you, Kevin.

I owe you one.

So you're not mad at me anymore?
Are we stiII friends?
Sure.

We're as cIose as an eIderIy g*y man and a straight teenage boy can be.

WeII, good night.

I'm home, Iove.

What's this?
''Come to the bedroom and see what I found.

Iove, Gus.

'' What the
-
-?
WiII you Iook at that?
Oh, Gus.