17x02 - Jumungo

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Well, well, well. Ooh.
Oh, no, no.

Yes. Ah. Hiss.

Ahhh! Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ. Whoo. Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby. OK.

Oh, my God.

Ah. Ah.

Ooh.
SHE VOCALISES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to Taskmaster.

The only show on television that
conclusively proves that all

of life's struggles are
ultimately pointless

and that the gods are just toying
with us before death.

And hello to all our
younger viewers.

Let the trials commence.

Let's meet our five competitors

from wildly different parts of
the globe.

Like the north of England,

Dublin, the north of England,

the west of England
and the north of England.

Please welcome Joanne McNally...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me,
a man who admitted

to me that he photocopied

an elderly relative's blue
parking badge

so that he could enjoy
the "Hollywood spaces"

near the entrance to Tesco...
LAUGHTER

..it's little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg.

Hi, mate. You all right?

I'm, I'm, I'm feeling good,
I'm looking great.

I think I've cracked it. I've got a
new health regime. It's so simple.

Honestly, I don't go to the gym.

It's just dog walking.


So the opening section of
the show is you...

You've walked your dog a bit and you
feel like you've lost some weight?

No, not quite. No, no,


Do you want me to show you?
Ah, yeah. It's like that.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, on with the prize task, then.

Jolly good. Yes,

you've got it, poppet,
and this week they've brought in...

LAUGHING

You know I don't like that.

I don't...I don't like "you've got
it, poppet". No... No, I know.

You got it, poppet.

And this week, they've brought in
the most fun thing

to turn upside down.

So there will be five points for
the most fun thing

to turn upside down, and all five
fun things will go home

with the episode winner, who can
keep them

whichever way up they bloody
well want.

Welcome, contestants.

Steve. Start with you today.
How are you?

I'm very well, thank you, poppet.
How are you?

LAUGHING

What have you brought me that
you can turn upside down

that I'll have fun with?
A calculator. Ahhh.

Yes, he has.

I know where you're going
with this... Yeah.

..and I approve this message.

Do you know the number?

Uh, is it 8-0-0-8?

It's 5-3-1-8-0-0-8.

And here it is. Yeah. Yeah.

You turn that upside down.

You're saying that I don't,
like I don't know this.

Boobies.

Well, I thought you might find
boobies a little bit limited...

Wrong. So...

As well as your boobies...

What else have you got for me?

..I thought it might be nice
to compose a calculator haiku.

Oh, wow. Um...

So a haiku, obviously, is
a Japanese poem with,

uh, five syllables,
seven syllables and five syllables.

We go to a haiku club every Sunday.

So this is a calculator haiku.

Big boss gobbles eggs.

His hole oozes shizzle.
LAUGHTER

Gosh, beige blobs soil his shoes.

Steve, I'm genuinely impressed.
Well done. Thank you.

Who's next? Sophie?

What have you brought in that's nice
turned upside down?

Steak pudding.
LAUGHTER

It's one of a,

a northern delicacy. It's very
beautiful, poppet. I...

You just...
LAUGHTER

You steam it.

It's got gravy in the centre
with steak chunks.

Sorry. Can you ask Sophie if she
thinks I don't know what a pie is?

I think you may have missed
the point of this.

You can't just tell me
a thing you like eating.

Well, it's the most fun thing
to turn upside down.

They're very satisfying to pull...
Yeah. The...the tinfoil off. Yeah.

Thank you, Steve. I concur,
I concur.

And if you had two of them at
the same time...

Boobies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John.

Greg. What have you brought us?

I have brought in,
uh, the Chicago Bulls logo.

I'm familiar with it,
a lovely big bull. Yes.

Why is it gonna be fun when
I turn it upside down?

I don't like to curse too much
on telly, Greg,

cos my mum'll be watching this,
but there's,

there's no other way
to describe this to you,

what happens when you turn it
upside down. OK.

It looks like a robot
f*cking a crab.

LAUGHING

Yet another of my fantasies.

Here we go. OK.

LAUGHING
Oh, yeah.

I don't... What's the positioning?

It is a sad robot making sweet love
to a crab.

From behind, got it.
That's what I mean.

The robot isn't happy about this.

The...the robot is angry.
But also it's,

it's a challenge to initiate it,

because they're obviously moving
left to right.

Maybe the robot's angry cos he's
got a nasty case of humans.

Oh.
LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

Nick.

Well, if you bring up
the picture, then I'll be able

to explain. So a friend of my mum's

at the church that she goes
to went on holiday and, um,

brought them all back these
lovely vases.

LAUGHING

And my mum popped some flowers in,
watered the flowers,

and then the following week said
to him, was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry

"it's just, it is just leaking".

And he was like, "It is a drum."
LAUGHING

This is a debate,

but I put it to you that there's
not a person in this room

who didn't think, "Why's someone put
flowers in that drum?" Yeah.

That's the opposite
of what she thought.

Joanne? Yes. So you know the way
bats, they hang normally upside down

but if you flip a bat around

so it's facing up when it's
upside down.

Let's start again.

Bats sleep upside down. Bats sleep
upside down traditionally.

And what you're saying is if you
flip a bat while... Flip it up.
..while it's sleeping.

So it looks like it's standing up
but it's actually upside down.
Yeah.

It looks like kind of a Goth disco.

First of all this is what she's
brought in, which is a bat. Yeah.

But what this bat represents is
a Goth disco... Yeah.

..demonstrated here by some bats.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

That's good. That is good.

Big spooky capes and... They're very
Florence and the Machine.

Oh, God. I'm gonna actually have
to think about

the points
and just pop pudding at the bottom.

LAUGHING

I think I'm gonna give
the crab three points.

And then I'm gonna give
the drum four points,

because I just think it's adorable.

And, uh, the bats are just haunting

and Steve's genius should be
rewarded for all that work

so I'll give bats
and Steve five points. Oh, right.

OK, Joanne
and Steve get five points.

OK, let's get going.
What have you got for me, Alex?

A former Romanian football
player, Greg, because the five

competitors are about
to try their hand at Petrescu.

Pet rescue -
they're gonna rescue a pet.

Here we go.

SHE LAUGHS
Joanne.

Looks like a fantasy of mine.

Is it? Yeah. Well, we do our best.
We did a lot of research.

I'm aroused.
LAUGHING

They're all Greg's.
He's quite tender.

That makes sense, yeah. Yeah.

Are they all in his bed at night?
Yes. Cool.

Good morning, Alex. Hello, John.

This is the task? No envelope.

Missing. Rescue the cat.

Goes by the name Patatas.

Goes by...
HE LAUGHS

Goes by the name of Patatas.
As in patatas bravas?

The cat must come out of
the top hole.

There's a hole in the top of
the dome.

Is there...is there a claw? Do I
have to man a claw? It's up to you.

Your head may not enter the dome.

The door must remain closed.

This door, but I've gotta keep my
head out?

I don't know where
the cat is amongst this lot. Right.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now, I suppose,
eh?

Right. OK. I don't have a
clue, actually.

OK, I'm ready.
APPLAUSE

I've always wanted
to be in one of those machines.

Have a swim. Yeah.

And then pulled out by a claw.

Has anyone ever won any on one
of those things?

Never. I, yeah, quite often.

LAUGHTER
It's just technique and practice.

Have you won on one of those
things? No.

OK. Let's go.

Let's see them try to get Patatas
out of a big dome.

OK. First up we're gonna see
Joanne fulfil her fantasy

and Steve fulfil his contractual
obligations. Here we go.

The door must remain closed.

Oh, my God, it is a claw!

Amazing.

Oh, Patatas, Patatas.

Have you definitely, definitely read
all the instructions? Uh, yes, uh,

yeah. The door must remain closed.
I'm just seeing that the zip works.

All right, OK. Let's do it... If you
think that... No, let's do it the
hard way.

So I have to find the...
I see the cat there!

God, I wouldn't be rescuing that cat
if it was mine.

It looks like a bad
job of taxidermy.

LAUGHING

OK, so, I'm assuming this is
relevant in some way.

Ah, right. We've got a...an opening.

Um, now, I thought I saw Patatas.

But how do I encourage him
towards...

Oh, he's gotta go out the top hole.

I'm gonna try and fashion
a noose for the cat's neck.

You didn't say it had to come out
alive, it just had to come out.

Have you used a ladder before?
LAUGHING

Hold on.

Ah. OK.

Hold the ladder. Pfft.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

That's a big hook. It's a big hook.

Big hook for a big job.

OK. Come on, Patatas.

Be bravas. Where is he?

Come on.

If I grab the cat
and just throw it out the top.

OK. If this goes back in now,

I'm just gonna throw myself in
front of a car.

Oh...

Oh...

Ah.
SHE LAUGHS DEFEATEDLY

I can't go through it all again,
I've no hooks left.

I wonder, could I blow him over?

LAUGHING

Remember your head can't go in.
It's not in at the moment.

Yes, head's not in.

Come on, Patatas.

Come on.

Oh, is that Patatas?

OK.
HE GRUNTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I've stopped the clock, Steve.

See ya. Bye-bye.

Maybe I could drag it back over.

Yeah...

Oh, this is actually quite good,
this thing.

Should've gone with that at
the start.

Right, there he is.

"The cat must come out of
the top hole."

Like, the other option is
to put rope through the roof

and tie it.

OK.
Tie the rope really f*cking tight.

Oh, I've got an idea.

Can it go in the top
and then come back out?

Ah-ha-ha. Up we go.

If you f*cking detach...
LAUGHING

No...

He's out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I...I should acknowledge,
"Come on, Patatas. Be bravas."

You see, you're coming over
to my side now. I am not.

Joanne. You were very pleased when
you came up with the rope idea.

I was, yeah. You were. And I asked
if we could just isolate

your facial expression when you came
up with your rope idea.

LAUGHING

If you didn't know what
the task was, that would be

a very troubling still.

LAUGHING

We're...we're back into crab
and robot territory there.

How did Joanne do?

The task was to rescue the cat

and she did all that in 22 minutes


Oh, right. Good.
APPLAUSE

I'd save your applause.
APPLAUSE STOPS

Bear in mind that Steve did
it in 2 minutes 19.

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Time for some adverts now.

BORING!!!

APPLAUSE

You have returned just in
the nick of time.

There's a cat that needs rescuing,
and he goes by the name of Patatas.

Yes, Patatas keeps getting stuck
in the dome, poor thing,

and now it's time
for Nick and Sophie

to let the cat out of the bag.

OK. Now, can I go and get some
stuff? OK.

Er, I'm just off to the shed.

Do you know what? Sod it.
I'm just gonna go in.

That's sort of like a cat, isn't it?
That fur.

Ah! A cat.

That's actually a cat.

Oh, no, it's a wolf.

I can, I can see the cat.
Oh, yeah.

Think the idea is to sort of
make a little pole thing.

Oh, I might just go with
the panda, you know.

Oh, there he is! I can see him.

You've found Patatas.

I could make like
a really sticky end.

Make a sticky end.

Yeah. All right, let me go and have
a look in the shed.

I need a fishing rod.

It's about fishing.
It's about fishing, isn't it?

OK, this looks good.
This looks good.

Right, couple of magnets.
Oh, yeah?

Couple of magnets
and a sticky end, I think.

Couple of magnets and a sticky end.

Right down we go.

In.

I'm so close to the b*stard.
Come on!

Right, here we go.

HE GASPS
Oh, my God.

Oh, it's actually heavier
than it...it looks.

Now, if I was taller...
Big if. Huge if.

Patatas.

Can... Are you allowed to go in?

Right, I order you to go and pick
him up and put him on my hook.

Now, my head, my arm can go in,
can't it? Oh, yeah.

Between us, we might do this.
Oh, you've got it.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

I think I've done it.

God, come on. Oh, hang on,
it's very heavy, actually.

They didn't say it would be heavy.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Yes, Patatas. Right, here we go.

So...

Yes!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

IN SLOW MOTION: Ye-e-e-s.

There you go.

So, you've rescued the cat in
the traditional method

of flinging it onto a roof.

Yes, you, come on,
you little b*stard.

Come on. He's nearly here.

Come on. Woo!

IN SLOW MOTION: Woo! Woo!

We've stopped the clock.

Good work.

I'm glad you rescued Patatas.

Yeah.
Yeah, do you like him?

He's all right. I feel a bit
resentful but, yeah, thank you.

I get the impression that neither of
you were particularly concerned

about Patatas' welfare during that.

Every man for themself, I think,
isn't it? Yeah. Every cat.

Yeah. Did it say that we had
to protect its welfare?

No, I just think I expected
a sort of internal kindness

from you, Nick.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

What's Nick's system called?
Couple of magnets and a sticky end.

Ah. Yes.

And then you flung it through
the hole. The time was...


..14 minutes. Oh.


Sophie took ten minutes...

Ah!
..to spot, to spot Patatas.

She took 26 minutes and six seconds.

One person left.
Famously, cats catch robins,

but can robins catch cat?

This has got to be something,
hasn't it?

What's that for?

Why is there that on the end?

Argh! Is that good?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

Patatas?

Patatas!

I've stopped the clock, John.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye.

Can I just add that over
the past few minutes

of watching everybody else's,
I've been having

a very slow-level heart attack

because I thought, "Did you remember
to take it out of the top hole?"

You'll be thrilled to hear you did
pop it out of the right hole.

I, I did. I've miss...
Yeah, I'm panicking.

But... But.
..unfortunately... What?!

..I do have to disqualify you.

No! What?!

No, I'm only joking.
Oh, my God!

I'm actually sweating.

There is, there is slight
extra news, though.

No!
We did heavily edit that.

You got very suspicious, first of
all, that there was no cat at all.

Then you thought the boxing glove
might be a distraction.

Then you opened the grabber.
Then you went to the shed
to look for a hook,

and then you came back. Your total
time was three minutes 24,

which is actually one minute
slower than Steve. Ah...

So the actual timings - Sophie gets
one point, obviously.

Two to Joanne, three to Nick,

four to John, but five, in the end,
to Steve Pemberton.

Scoreboard, please.

Yes, well, we have three people -
Joanne, Nick and John -

all on seven points.
Sophie's on two,

and Steve's in the lead
with ten points. Hooray!

OK, please, may we have
a team task, Alex?

Ooh, yes. Good shout, Greg-apotamus.

And, whoops, I think...
I think...

Whoopsie, I think we've blown
the visual effects budget

for the whole series. Watch this.

Hello.

Aha!

Jesus, John.
Wh... What?

Bit ruthless there.
I'm so sorry.

Alex?

Where's Alex?

Do you think we have to find him?

No.

Oh, God.

Woo!
Oh, dear. Woo!

A floating envelope
and a floating head.

Amazing! Oh, I caught it.

Well done.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.
Are you a green screen?

Yeah, I'm a green screen.

Right.

Do the most epic thing
using green material

and this green screen onesie.

You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Why is it only green
material, though?

It turns everything invisible.

So...
I don't understand.

Alex, I think we're gonna spend
about 25 minutes

working out what green screen is.

And then we're gonna come back
with a plan.

OK. Yeah.
My head's gonna float away now.

Is it really?

But no, cos it's not green
behind you.

Doesn't have to be.
Doesn't it?

Thank you.

Well done, Alex. See you later.

APPLAUSE

There's a certain little smug look
you get on your face when you,

when you've done a thing you like.

You liked the floating head
didn't you?

Yeah. I don't understand it, either,
but it is...

Cos I couldn't see my body at all.
It's so weird.

OK, shall we start?
Let's go.

Let's start with the crazy guys,

Nick and Steve, and their
epic vision.

Pancakes...

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

Mm!

Pancakes.

Mm!

Pancake?

How is it?

Epic.

APPLAUSE

Because it was supposed to be
the most ambitious thing,

I was thinking, you know,
the scale of ambition

perhaps could've been better,
until the mouth came out.

Just the fact that a,
a wormhole appears,

if I may call your mouth that.

That's fine. Was there much of
a narrative, Steve, in your mind?

I was just trying to give, you know,
man who's decided he wants pancakes

and is conjuring them up somehow.

I, I thought he seemed quite smug.

Yeah...Yeah.
The pancake guy.

Well, that's just
a bit of me coming through.

Right, break time.

Close your eyes, count to 180

and those nasty little adverts
will have disappeared. Ready?

Go!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and a warm welcome back
to part three of Taskmaster.

We're in the middle of a task where
they have to do some epic things.

Yeah, man, while wearing green
or blue onesies

and using green or blue material,

they can let their imaginations
go wild with the endless

possibilities of visual effects.

For example, the team of two
made, er, pancakes.

Now it's the other team's turn
to blow us away

with their epic visuals.
It's John, Joanne and Sophie.

It's very dull being a Tudor queen.

I just wish something exciting
would happen.

Oh!

Oh! Lick me.

You what? Lick, lick me. I'm magic.

You're magic?
Oh, go on, then.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, gosh!

Woo!

Oh, a floating clock.

Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, bloody hell, it's,

it's an armless mannequin.

What time is it? Oh, God.

I'm about to take flight, John.

Quite soon, I think.

Ooh! Ooh, God, I am. I'm off!

Oh, blimey!

Ooh! Oof! Sorry, oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, John.
f*cking hell.

I didn't... Ooh!

Ooh! I might be able to fly.

Woo!

I can. Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm flying!

Ugh. Oh, bloody Nora!

Slow flight but good flight.

APPLAUSE

Ah, the classic cry of
the Tudor queen -

"Bloody Nora, I'm flying!"

It's actually much better
than I remember.

Is it? Yeah.

I... You wanna, you wanna have seen
the state of us on the day.

It was carnage.

Can I just tell you
what I saw as a viewer?

Right. A Tudor queen.

She licks a frog.
Mm.

Six unconnected objects
float over her head.

Yeah. And she announces that she's
gonna fly off and she does.

She tells John she's going to
as well. Yes.

Also, the unconnected items,
I would argue they're not

as unconnected as you've said.
We've got...

There's no need to take that
withering tone with me, John.

We've got two different peppers.

A red pepper and a yellow pepper
to symbolise heat

and s...the sun.

Then we've got the,
er, armless torso to represent...

Toxic masculinity. Exactly.

APPLAUSE

Erm, is there any part of you,
Steve, that thinks

that yours was more epic
than the team of three?

Erm, no.

LAUGHTER

Theirs was more ambitious,
more epic. Ours was more...better.

I'm gonna score them both
very highly cos I,

I enjoyed them both very much.

I'm gonna give the team of three
one more point.

I'll give them five points,
and I'll give the beautifully done

but sedate pancake journey
four points.

There we go.
Congratulations, everyone.

One more task, please,
little Alex Horne.

OK, and now it's time to get
hot and sticky in the lab.

Ooh!

Ah, you again.
Hi, John.

Ah, OK. Yeah,
I see what's going on here.

Where's the...? There's no task.

What is it? Where is it?

One thing I don't have,
er...

WHISPERS: Jesus, you guys.

Magnets.

"Stick the heaviest thing to
the board using three of

"the ingredients on the shelves."

"Once you've chosen your
ingredients,

"you may not change your mind."

"Heaviest thing that sticks to
the board

"for at least one minute wins."

Have you actually tested any
of this, though?

Am I a lab rat again?

"You have 12 minutes and you must
choose your thing

"in the first two minutes."

So, you're looking for the heaviest
thing to stick to the board,

and it's got to stay there
for a minute.

And I've got to create
some kind of unguent.

Is that a word? Sounds good.

Your time starts now.

I've two minutes
to decide what thing.

Out of anything in the whole world.
Wait, anything in the whole world?

That you can get within
two minutes.

OK.

This is science, basically.
This is science.

This is Elon Musk sh*t.
It really is.

APPLAUSE

What did you say you want, Steve,
an unguent?

Yes, I, I lost confidence in
the word halfway through.

Well, I asked Alex to look it up
and it means a lubricant for sores.

Lubricant for sores?!
Yeah.

What did I mean?

I dunno.
Maybe you were chafing that day.

Who are we going to see now, Alex?

First up, here is Sticky Steve,
Stick Mohammed and Joanne McTacky.

Here we go.

OK, I went for...

..a big thing of water.

I don't know which is heavier.

There is a set of scales there,
if that would help.

Oh, sh...!

Are we going with David?
Yeah. OK.







I've never adhesed anything before.
Never at all?

No, it's my first time adhesing.
OK.

I'm gonna go with Sellotape,
with Velcro.

Marmite. The classic.

What's this? Can I use this?
What is it?

Silicone.

Ah. Gonna use those.

Velcro.

That. Styling gel. And silicone.

Sellotape should do it.
Bowl of toffees. Blu Tack.

OK, so it's toffee,
Blu Tack, and Sellotape.

Sellotape, yeah.

Ah!

OK.

Here we go. OK.
You've got five minutes 50.

Oh!

That's satisfying, isn't it?
There you go. Lovely.

OK, so, I mean, I...

HE LAUGHS WHEEZILY

There's only one bit
of Sellotape. That is... Ah.

Now, I don't know if this allowed.

But...

..sort of put my sock....

It's a big sock, isn't it?

Oh, God, it's not gonna work.

It's not gonna do it on its own.

HE LAUGHS

You buggers!

Oh, come on.
OK, actually, that's fine.

I'm gonna stick that there
just...a sec.

Pretty good.

Oh, he's an awkward bugger.

It's absolutely no good.

It's no good.

Then I could use some of this.

Are you gonna use any Marmite?
I don't think it's necessary.

Start the clock.
OK, the clock is started.

SIGHS: OK.

He looks quite calm.

Erm...
MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

This is,
this is great television.



Ooh, God. Does the sock even stick?

There you go.
We'll leave that for a minute. Yeah.



I'm pleased.

Ten.

Never spent this long looking
at a naked man before.

I thought I'd nailed it,
if I'm honest.

Joanne, it's now been there
for a minute. You have succeeded.

WHISTLE BLOWS

And that's a minute.
OK.

So...

I'll see if I can find you
a new sock. Thank you.

..one.
WHISTLE BLOWS

You've succeeded.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

So, your summary of your technique
would be pick something

relatively light... Yeah.

..and just smush it against
the board with whatever.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Don't f*ck with the system.
Just get it done, get out.

LAUGHTER

I could smell the lunch.
LAUGHTER

You relied on Blu Tack.

Blu Tack and a chewy toffee.

And you think that gave extra
stability to the statue of David?

I thi... Yeah, I think so.

I think that that bit of toffee,
right in his crack...

LAUGHTER

..was the unguent that he needed.

That's it.

From time to time, on this show,
we start out watching

a...an adult doing a task,

and what we end up witnessing
is a full break down.

LAUGHTER

You abandoned your idea
with the water bottle.

You used Velcro to attach a sock,
which was not the intended object,

and more pertinently,
not a heavy object. Hmm.

And it didn't stick anyway. No.

Then you smeared hair gel
and silicone at the sides of it.

Hmm.

And then, that fell off. Now...
LAUGHTER

What...what part of that
makes you think I'm mad?

LAUGHTER

I genuinely found myself
feeling sorry for you, like...

In a way that would
get me some points or...? No!

LAUGHTER

Did he get it to stick for a while?
Not the bottle, no.

The bottle was... Well, he chose
the bottle - it didn't stick.

I don't think he did the task.

He didn't. Well I imagine
that Joanne's fish

is as light as a feather.

No, it's...it's as a light
as four mice.

I told you, I lack ambition.


Steve's, 33 and a half mice.



Nice. One part left to go,

and in it, someone will go home
with a biggish calculator.

Come on! We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back.
And to our Welsh viewers,

also hello.

LAUGHTER

There's a task in the lab
which still needs completion.

Sticky, Alex? Oh, yes, Greg,

but that's what happens
when Daddy forgets to talc me.

Tut-tut-tut.
LAUGHTER

Coincidentally, the task in play
is also a sticky one.

Finally, Sophie and John
take to the board.

Have you chosen your item?
I've chosen my item,

and I'm now questioning it a lot.

It's a star.
It's coming off the wall.

Great.

OK, OK. I'll select the thing.
I'm gonna go chopping board.

That's a big star.

Yeah, but I think the trick is
something here, you see?

Could actually...
STAR BANGS

Not gone well.

Please don't hurt yourself.
Not gone well.

Actually, it's quite hef...
It's a bit...probably too heavy.

Should've picked it up first.

So, we're starting
with Sellotape and Velcro?

Yeah. OK.

I think I went too big, didn't I?
Well, it's massive.

Yeah. I got greedy.

Right, this is very silly,
but I'm gonna just try this

cos I wonder, if you put enough
of these on,

whether it actually holds.

I didn't think I was
a competitive person,

but something's happened to me
over the time I've been doing this,

and I've fundamentally changed
as a person, I think.

LAUGHTER

Right.

Surprising, in't it.

Right, let's give this a go.

It's an initial...

..an initial go.

Start the c*ck, please.
c*ck...clock!

Start the clock, please.
LAUGHTER

Clock's going.

I've actually smashed
the sh*t out of this.

LAUGHTER
Let's be honest.

We were all surprised.

Wasn't expecting that.

That is absolutely bloody fabulous.
LAUGHTER

OK. While that's happening,

I'm gonna pick two more.

Ah, but I haven't got any liquid.

AUDIENCE GROANS
Son of a b*tch.

LAUGHTER

I'll just put some nice
sweets around

for whoever might fancy one.

That's lovely, in't it.

It is wonderful.

We're just gonna get the flour
and honey.

Right, we're going...
HE LAUGHS

..we're going with the flour,
honey and Blu Tack.

Oh, but this might not be
a bad idea actually.

This looks just like glue.

There is engineers watching this,
going,

"He's absolutely nailed this."

LAUGHTER

For...for centuries,

humankind has been mixing...

No, that's absolute crap.
ALEX LAUGHS

How bad is that?

It has...it has been up there
for a minute now.

That's fantastic, in't it?
See you later.

Bye-bye.

Right, it's a case
of dotting the paste.

I think what I'm doing here is
making the chopping board heavier.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Please let go.
Start the timer, please.

How long have we got left?


sh*t the bed. sh*t the bed.
sh*t the bed. sh*t the bed!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, you summed it up yourself,
really, didn't you?

Yeah. "I've absolutely smashed
the sh*t out of this."

I think my intelligence may lie
in manual labour.

LAUGHTER

Structural integrity,
I f*cking knew.

You...you're talking
with the passion

of a turn-of-the-century
mill worker.

LAUGHTER

It was a very heavy star.
It was 3.3kg.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

John, I had such hope for you.

At one point, I thought, "This man
is gonna be the face of Blu Tack

"if he pulls it off."
LAUGHTER

I think I forgot you could pick
anything in the world

to stick to the white board. Yeah.

And I suddenly fixated on the stuff
that was in front of me.

And just, solely,
the chopping board.

And you used honey and flour
to try and... Was it honey?

Well, after the Blu Tack failed,
he said,

"We're now entering
the world of paste."

LAUGHTER

Let's give some points out.

Nick and John both chose
heavy things

but didn't manage to stick them on.

So, it's zero points
to John and Nick.

Joanne, you get a full three points
for your 85 gram fish.

Keep it simple. Steve, four points.

But Sophie's was four times heavier
than his. Wow. Wow.

And she gets the full five points!
Well done, Sophie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see a scoreboard, shall we?

OK. Well, Nick, at the bottom,
I'm afraid, with 11 points.

And, Steve, at the top
with 18 points, at the moment.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Right, can you please
all head to the stage

for the final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, there, baby cakes.

That's me.
Who's reading the task out?

Sophie Willan.

"Guess the movie that your
team-mate is saying.

"Your team-mate can only say

"the first three letters
of each word of the movie title.

"Most movies in each round wins.

One member of the team will go
inside the movie booth.

And they'll pop their head
through the little hole.

I will show you some cards
with movie titles in.

And they will also have the first
three letters of each word.

So if it said "Jurassic Park",
it will also say, "JUR PAR".

And all you're allowed
to say is, "JUR PAR".

"JUR PAR". "JUR PAR".
There's gonna be three rounds.

The team of two are gonna go first.
Nick, please enter the booth.

There we go. Oh, lovely.

Lovely stuff. OK, good luck,
everyone.

Your time starts when I reveal
the first card. OK, OK.

Good luck. And off we go.

"THE NUT PRO." "THE NUT..."
The Nutty Professor.

TING
Yeah.

"PUL FIC." Pulp Fiction.

TING
Ooh.

"BAM." Bambi.

TING
"FIG CLU."

LAUGHTER
Pardon?"FIG CLU."

"FIG CLU."

Fig? "CLU."

"FIH CLU." "FI CL-Uh", "FI CL-Uh".
Fi-cloo. Fi-cloo to you.

I thought... Fight Club!

TING
Yes.

"THE..." "THE SOM ABO MAR."

There's Something About...
There's Something About Mary.

TING
Yes.

"SAV PRI RYA."

LAUGHTER

Say...?

"SAV PRI RYA." Saving Private Ryan!

TING
Yes.

KLAXON

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've scored a total
of six movies.

Not bad, not bad.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Ready? OK. Right.

Good luck, Sophie. Thank you.
Your time starts now.

"DUR."

Goldfinger. "DUR."

Pass.

Oh. "THE GOO."

LAUGHTER

"THE GOO."

"THE GOO."

Goonies. Yes!

TING
The Goonies.

"TIT."

Titanic.

TING
"WON..." "WON WOM."

Wonder Woman. Wonder.

TING
"WHA WOM WAN."

What Women Want.
TING

"MOU ROU." Moulin Rouge.

TING
"HEA."Heat.

TING
"THE SHA RED."

Shawshank Redemption. Yes!

TING
"SEV."Seven.

TING
"THE BOU IDE."

The Bourne Identity.Yeah!
TING

KLAXON
Ooh.Oh.

Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only one pass there. "GOO."
It was Goodfellas.

Ah. Goodfellas.

That team scored a total
of eight movies. Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



Time for Steve Pemberton
to enter the booth.

I will enter the booth.

LAUGHTER

Steve, your time starts now.

"THE MAT."

Matrix, The Matrix.
TING

"THE MUM."The Mummy.
TING

"BRA."

Braveheart.
TING

"DON BRA."

Donnie Da... "DON BRA." Dom Brasco?

"DON! Donnie Brasco?

Yeah. Correct.
TING

"MIL DOL BAB."

Million Dollar Baby.
TING

"MIS IMP."

Mr Impr... "MIS IMP."
Mr Incredible? Um, uh...

"MIS IMP." "MIS IMP."
LAUGHTER

"MIS..." Mission Impossible.

TING, KLAXON

APPLAUSE
They scored six movies.

There we are.
APPLAUSE

John, please go into the booth.

Hello, Alex. Hello, John.

LAUGHTER

"THO."

Foursome. "THO."

Thor.

TING
"BAD SAN."

Bad Santa.

TING
"SNA."

Snatch.
TING

"BAT BEG."

"BAT BIG."

Batman, Big Man.
LAUGHTER

"BAT BEG."

Batman...

"BEG."Batman Begins. Begins!
TING

"THE BOU SUP."

The Bourne Supremacy.
TING

"JUM."

Jumungo.

"JUM."Jumanji.
TING

"MEE THE PAR."

Meet The Parents. Meet The...

"THE USH SUS." The Usual Suspects.
The Usual Suspects.

"M..."

"MRS DOU."

Doubtfire. Doubtfire.

KLAXON
They got eight. Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Can I ask which cinema I can see
Batman Big Man in?

LAUGHTER

And if that's sold out,
can I see Jumungo somewhere?

We are gonna make it harder
in round three. Oh, no.

You're now gonna say the last
three letters of each movie.

What? Wow.

Yeah. Nick, please enter the booth
for a second time.

This is terrifying.

Your time starts now.

"ROY."

Rob Roy?

"ROY." Roy? "ROY." "ROY."

Roy. "ROY." Roy.

Pass.

"RON MAN." "RON MAN."

Something "ron", something "man".
"RON MAN."

Something...something... Iron Man!
Yes!

TING
"EED."

LAUGHTER
"EED."

Eed? "EED." Eed.

S...Speed? Yes!
TING

"ULL TAL KET."

ULL TAL KET." Old...Old Town Market.

Oh, no.
LAUGHTER

"ULL TAL KET."

Huh? "ULL TAL KET."

Full Metal Jacket. Yes!
TING

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

They got three.
They did not get "ROY."

Troy. It is Troy. Ah!

Out you come, Nick. Out you come.
OK.

Joanne... Yep. ..please enter the
booth. So, it's three to beat.

If they do that, it's a whitewash.
OK, happy?

Yeah. Just getting comfy.

You don't look comfy, Joanne.
LAUGHTER

I'm glad you've got a body normally.

It's a lot, the face on its own,
isn't it? It is a bit. I know.

LAUGHTER
So, last three letters,

starting now.

"ION..." "THE..." So...

"ION ING."

"THE ION ING."

The Shining. No.

"ION ING."

"THE..."Pass.
SHE GROWLS

LAUGHTER

"BEE. "BEE."

"BEE." "BEE."
It's more difficult than Speed.

LAUGHTER
Try that one for a laugh.

Um... Ah, for f*ck's sake.
LAUGHTER

"ISS ISS ANG ANG."

Oh, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Yeah!
TING

They got one. That was...
SOPHIE: That was a tough round.

Oh, yeah. "THE ION ING."
You will kick yourself.

Steve got it. The Lion King.
Oh, my God. The Lion King.

And Barbie was "BIE". Oh.

Oh, come on!
LAUGHTER

So, that means team of three
got two, the team of two got one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down and join me.
We'll add that to the final scores.

Very tight game in the end. 2-1.

Well, they clawed one back.

Five points to the team of three.
Add them on. Yes.

Three points to the others?

Which means, Nick... Yes.

..you came last. Oh.

Tight at the top, though. Joanne,

a massive 20 points.

But the winner, for a second week
in a row is Steve, with 21 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's running away with it!

Steve Pemberton wins.

Please head upside down to the stage
and upturn your prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE