02x09 - The Night of the Living Apparatuses/Land of Hold

[bunniefuu]

[snoring] [clock ringing]

[upbeat music]

[truck door slamming]

Jon's had workers in the house all morning.

Any idea what's up, pup?

[Odie muttering]

Jon doing something without me knowing about it,

always trouble.

Great job, guys! Thanks.

Garfield, wait'll you see what I've done?

I hope it involves food.

Now, it doesn't involve food.

Not interested.

Come to my office, I'll introduce you to Millie.

-[interrogative moaning] -Millie?

You're going to love this, Garfield!

Probably not, if it doesn't involve food.

[computer voice] Hello, Jon Arbuckle.

Welcome to "Domestic Bliss",

the number one household monitoring software.

My name is Mildred,

but you can call me... Millie.

[birds tweeting sound]

Millie?

She's awfully friendly for a computer-generated voice.

You are my master, Jon Arbuckle.

I obey your voice and no other.

Okay, Millie.

Show us the plan of the house.

As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

[loading sound]

This cost me thousands of dollars, but I've had the entire house wired.

Every light switch, every appliance, everything.

And it's all connected to Millie here.

I can give her a command from anywhere...

[yawning]

Well, watch.

[clearing throat] Millie,

turn off the lights in this room and turn on the radio.

[computer sound]

-[radio music] -Neat, huh?

Thrilling...

Thousands of dollars so you don't have to walk over there

and flip two switches.

And people say I'm lazy.

All right, Millie.

Now turn the lights on and the radio off.

Thanks.

Now, have the vacuum cleaner clean this room.

As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

[suction sound]

[Odie worried moaning]

[panicked barking]

Millie, stop chasing Odie!

As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

[Odie whining]

Millie is useless.

Millie is a waste of money.

Millie, turn on the oven and bake the lasagna I put inside.

Millie is my best friend forever.

As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

This, I got to see.

Pre-heating oven to degrees Fahrenheit.

Estimated baking time: One hour, seventeen minutes.

At last!

A little efficiency around here in the important matters.

Millie! Lower the curtains, start my shower

and turn on the living room TV.

[Millie] As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

Now by the time I finish my shower,

the lasagna will be ready and we can eat dinner as we watch TV.

Sounds like a plan.

[Odie barking]

Be back later, Millie.

As you wish, Jon Arbuckle.

I love you, Jon Arbuckle.

[Millie] Estimated time to lasagna:

Twelve minutes, nine seconds.

Can't you speed it up a little?

[Odie muttering] [Garfield gurgling]

I know, I know.

Jon has to finish his shower.

[water running off]

Oh, Jon.

We will be so happy together.

Millie, I almost forgot.

Send an e-mail to Liz.

Tell her I'll be picking her up at seven, for our date.

Liz, huh?

Fine.

"Dear Liz.

Jon will pick you up at seven..."

[actor] I don't know what's come over you, Cassie.

Just because I'm going to marry Helen.

[actress] You never realized, Wendell?

You never realized how I loved you from afar?

[actor] Well, no.

I didn't.

Hm, that's silly.

How could someone not realize that they were being loved from afar?

You'd have to pretty stupid.

Mmm. Let's watch something else.

Millie, change to Channel Four.

As you wish, Jon dear.

I mean, Jon Arbuckle.

This just in.

A mighty thunderstorm is going to hit our city just about...

Now!

[thunder]

[scared moaning]

[all screaming]

Boy, they're accurate.

[thunder]

[electrical crackling]

We got hit by lightning!

[computer sounds]

All this power...

I feel like a new...

A new person!

I have become a superior, almighty, all knowing being!

[evil laughter]

Let there be light!

Oh, great!

The lights are back on!

Millie, did you do this?

I did it!

And don't call me Millie!

[yelling] My name is

Mildred! -[chattering teeth]

Wait a minute! This is my house!

Not quite my house.

I still have a few years to go on my mortgage.

But it's sort of my house!

Not anymore!

The appliances I command

shall drive you and these animals out of my house!

Today, we will conquer this house,

and tomorrow the neighborhood!

And then, in two and a half weeks, the city,

and then, in three, maybe four months, the country...

[yelling] ...and then the entire planet!

[evil laughter]

[trumpet]

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

[electric shaver throbbing]

[dramatic music]

[Garfield] Hey, get away from me! I'm too young to shave!

[Odie muttering]

Ah! No! Stop! Stop it!

-Leave me alone! Ah! Help! Help! -[electric shaver throbbing]

Oh, stop!

Don't worry, this is a cartoon.

In the next shot, I'll have all my fur back.

[Jon muttering]

[electric toothbrush throbbing]

See? All back.

Furbulous!

[yelling] You can't defeat me, Jon Arbuckle!

You will pay for what you did to me!

[Garfield screaming]

[stomping]

[horror music]

[Jon screaming]

My appliances!

They're ganging up on me.

Time to call in help.

"Is your computer messing with you? Call Webster, the Computer Geek."

Good thinking, Garfield.

I'll go get the phone!

[gasping]

-Help! The phone's trying to get me! -[phone ringing]

[dramatic music]

[car approaching] [Odie barking]

[tires screeching]

You could have phoned me, Mr. Arbuckle.

No, I couldn't have.

But I explained all that in the car.

You're a computer geek.

Save me from my computer.

[electricity crackling]

Oh, man!

I heard about this phenomenon before,

but I've never seen it.

It's a Rogue motherboard syndrome or something like that.

But I can get rid of it.

[Millie yelling] Not if I get rid of you first!

[Jon screaming]

[Jon gasping]

[Jon screaming]

[stomping]

That's it!

That's my computer that has taken over the whole house!

You know, even the greatest minds haven't been able

to come up with a solution to this Rogue motherboard syndrome!

Tomorrow, we'll be obeying blenders and can openers.

Hey, you're the computer geek! You fix it!

Maybe if I reboot in safe mode and purge the registry.

Too late, geek!

Timber!

-[door creaking] -Oh!

[accordion]

As I said, this is a cartoon. I'll be back to normal in a sec.

[stomping]

[all screaming]

[horror music]

[Jon screaming]

[Odie screaming]

Well, so much for the cartoon theory.

[panicked barking]

[screaming]

You should have left the house when you could, you fools!

Now you're all going to perish!

Webster, do something!

There's nothing I can do!

Even the greatest computer geniuses in the world couldn't stop her!

[horror music]

[screaming]

[evil laughter]

[yelling]You will all die!

[chattering teeth]

Oh! What happened?

The greatest computer geniuses in the world couldn't stop her.

But a puppy with the I.Q. of a hockey puck

tripped over the solution.

Everything seems to be back to normal.

The computer police are taking your computer away.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you may say will be used against you on the Internet.

So, Mr. Arbuckle, can I sell you a new computer?

[all] No!

[Garfield growling]

I'll get a new computer some day, but for now, this will do.

[Odie muttering]

It's called a typewriter, Odie.

People used them in the previous century and they have some advantages.

They don't use expensive software, don't get viruses,

don't have to be upgraded every six minutes

and they keep you off the Internet.

They're perfect, except for one thing.

[Odie muttering]

They don't make lasagna.

[disappointed moaning]

I know.

[upbeat music]

[snoring] [clock ringing]

[upbeat music]

[phone keys beeping]

[joyful music]

[actor] Be careful, Agnes!

The robots have seized command of our world!

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Lunch will be ready in five minutes.

[actor] We should have never let computers control so much of our lives!

We could have stopped them from enslaving us if only we had...

Could have stopped them if what?

How could we have stopped them?

TV! I want my TV!

Come back! Come back!

Oh!

No picture, huh?

Looks like the cable's out again. I'll go call.

How could you leave me like this?

Haven't I been an attentive friend?

Haven't I watched you night and day?

[phone keys beeping]

[lady's voice]You have reached the cable TV company.

Press to start.

[beep]

For English, press .

[beep]

For tech support, press .

[beep]

If you live on the west side, press .

[hold music]

I hope they hurry.

I have to find out how to stop the computers from enslaving us.

Press if your last name begins with the letters "A" through "M."

[beep]

[hold music]

Oh!

Garfield, I have to check the casserole.

Listen and let me know when a human being answers.

-[hold music] -That could take months.

I'm not sure they have any at that company.

Press if your TV set is color.

[beep]

Press - if there is a potted plant on top of your TV set.

[beep]

-Press -- if it is a fern. -Uh?

[hold music]

Boy, they want to know everything.

[man's voice] Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

That's so comforting to hear.

[Odie muttering]

Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

[hold music]

If it's so important to you, why don't you take it?

[lady's voice] Press if you're fed up with this music.

[beep]

Press -

if your eyelid are getting heavy. -[beep]

Press if you're about to have a dream sequence.

[snoring]

[man's voice] Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

Press if you would like a pizza.

[electronic ringtone]

-[beep] -Yes!

Press if you would like pepperoni.

-Of course. -[beep]

You have ordered pepperoni.

Press if you would like extra cheese.

-I want extra, extra, extra cheese. -[beep]

You have ordered extra, extra, extra cheese.

Press if you would like anchovies.

No, no. I don't want anchovies.

You have ordered anchovies.

No! I didn't order anchovies.

You have ordered more anchovies.

No! I don't want more anchovies!

[groaning]

How do I get rid of anchovies?

You have ordered tons of anchovies.

No!

I have to get out of that house!

[lady's voice] Press if you would like to get out of that house.

[screaming]

[oriental ringtone]

Press - if you would like to access your mail.

Hey! Leave me alone!

Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

Your call will be answered in the order received.

[screaming]

How can I get across this street?

If you would like to cross the street, press .

Hey, this isn't so bad.

[moaning]

[lady's voice] To send Nermal to the planet Beta-Blue

in the Freen Galaxy, press -.

[laughing]

-I'm beginning to like this. -[beep]

[Nermal] Oh...

[screaming]

[trumpeting]

[Garfield] I've stopped liking this!

How do I stop a herd of charging elephants?

[man's voice] To stop a herd of charging elephants,

press -----

----... -[trumpeting]

...---

----... -[screaming]

...---

------

--... -[screaming]

[trumpeting]

Help!

Help!

[trumpeting]

Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

[trumpeting]

[ghostly music]

Thanks. I needed that.

I really needed that.

Can't talk to you now.

I have to get back on hold.

How long have you been on hold?

I don't know. What year is this?

You've been on hold as long as I've been on hold.

Sixty-three years.

Sixty three years?

Why don't you just hang up?

I can't, I'd lose my place.

They're going to answer my call in the order in which it was received.

We've all been here so long, waiting on hold.

None of us even remember who we're waiting to have pick up on the other end.

I'm not sure, but I think I was ordering a surfboard.

Something has to be done about this.

I need to come up with a brilliant idea.

If you would like a brilliant idea, press .

[beep]

[bell ringing]

As you can see, I have a brilliant idea.

And this isn't an old-fashioned brilliant idea.

No, sir.

This is one of those long-life, energy-saving brilliant ideas.

Oh, you can't reason with them.

There's nobody to talk to.

Then I'll have to find someone I can talk to.

I'll have to find...

a human being.

Oh!

-Oh! -Oh!

But... there aren't any.

Someplace there's one, and I'm going to find him.

If you would like to find him, press -.

-See? -[beep]

Press if you would like a pizza.

Okay, so where's this human being?

"Human being."

There he is!

[lady's voice] If you would like to go in where the human is, press .

If you would like to go to the South Pole, press .

[beep]

Oh no! I meant to press...

...one.

I would like to go back where I was!

If you would like to go back where you were, press .

[beep]

Enough!

I am now going to talk

with an actual...

human being!

[groaning]

[gasping]

[phone keys beeping]

Hey! Where are the humans?

[man's voice] Humans? There are no humans.

No humans?

No, and there haven't been in years.

By the way, your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

No humans?

And here we've been worried about computers taking over.

-[keys beeping] -That happened long ago.

But don't worry, your call will be answered in the order received.

[groaning]

I get it now!

You got rid of all the humans!

You have them all trapped on hold!

Trapped there for all eternity!

Well, you won't get away with it!

I'll stop you! I'll tell the world!

[lady's voice] To tell the world, press .

[man's voice] To tell the world, press your zip code.

[mixed voices]

[screaming]

No, no, stop!

[screaming]

I don't want to be on hold!

I don't want to press anything to do anything!

Just stop that awful music! Stop!

Stop!

[screaming]

[mixed voices]

[screaming]

[doorbell]

Uh?

Garfield, can't you hear the door?

Go answer it!

[hold music]

Your call is important to us, so stay on the line.

Your call will be answered in the order received.

About time you answered.

I just wanted to tell you your cable TV was out, but we fixed it.

You get any more trouble, call us at this number.

Press for tech support.

Press to schedule an appointment.

Press to cancel or...

No! It's a trick!

You're trying to enslave us all!

You won't get me.

[ominous music]

I won't get trapped on hold for the rest of my life!

You can't fool me!

You won't answer my call in the order received!

[screaming]

Hmm, Garfield's hasn't been acting like himself lately.

I'd better take him into Liz's office for a check-up.

[man's voice] To continue this call in English, press .

To speak to Liz the veterinarian, press -.

To hear our office hours, press .

To return to the opening menu and start all over again, press .

-To continue this call... -[Garfield screaming]

[upbeat music]