04x11 - Against All Tides

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snores]

-[alarm clock]

[theme song]

[narrator]
There was a time

long ago before our own,


when ships had sails


and there were no such

things as smartphones,


microwave ovens


or the device on which

you are watching this...


It was a time

when no ships were safe,


least of all the crafts

of the Royal Post Office...


You think

he's out there, Cappie?

Out there and waiting for us...

the scurviest bloke

to ever sail these seas...

Cap'n Herman! Sail h*!

That sailcloth!

It's the Cat O'Nine Tails...

He's coming...
Cap'n Garfield!

[narrator]
The Cat o' Nine Tails

roamed the seas,


plundering galleons,

its captain feared by all...


The notorious scallywag

carved himself


quite a name for preferring

canned lasagna over gold...


[sigh]

Lasagna...


...and for his weapon of choice,

custard pies!


As we say

in the pirate business...

"Custard-pied men tell no tales!"
Yo-h*-h*, me hearties!
No quarter!

Look! It's Cap'n Garfield's

faithful sea dog.


We've seized control

of the ship, me Cap'n...


Trussed and tied

as you ordered, Cap'n.

Good job, me buckos!

You know what dire fate

awaits ye, don't ye?


Please Cap'n,

we beseech ye!

Tongue!
[hysterical laughters]
Stop it!

Please, Captain Garfield.

I beg of ye. Spare me crew.

And spare me your meringue.
What is it you want?
You know what I want.
Yes...yes, I do.

Take my cargo!

All the lasagna in the hold!


[narrator]

It was a story as old as time.


Whenever Captain Garfield

boarded a craft,


he left with its lasagna...

[man] Captain Garfield triumphs again!
[man] He always does.

Thank you. Thank you, Captain

Garfield, for sparing me.


Until next time.

And there will be a next time, mate.

[whistle]
Thank you for saving us, Cappie.
Captain Garfield is a scourge.

I'm surprised

he didn't double-cross you.


He may be a black-hearted

pirate of the seas,

but he is a cat of honor.
Sometimes...

[narrator]
And after every successful

act of piracy,


the Captain and his crew


would celebrate

with a rousing sea shanty...

[violin]

[Garfield, Bruno and Herman sing]

♪We are pirates unsurpassed♪


♪Jolly Roger flies our mast♪


♪We see a ship and we strike♪


♪We board and take what we like♪


♪We are men you can't defeat♪


♪So surrender when we meet♪


♪Hand over anything

That's good to eat♪


♪Yo heave h* heave h*

Yo heave h* heave h*♪


♪Yo heave h* heave h*

Yo heave h* heave h*♪


♪Yo heave h* heave h*

Yo heave h* heave h*♪


♪To the attack!

Show no mercy!♪


♪Yo heave h* heave h*♪


[narrator]
That is how unmerry

they were in the royal castle...


News of the latest plunder

enraged the Queen,


who promptly summoned

the Commodore


of one of her Royal flagships...


The royal stocks

of canned lasagna


are dwindling at an alarming

rate, Commodore.

Shocking. Horrendous.

You must put an end

to the Corsair's reign of terror,

Commodore Nermal.
Seize the dread pirate Garfield
and throw him in my dungeon.
I'm on the job, Queenie Baby.
I mean, your commands

shall be carried out

to the fullest, Your Majesty.

"Queenie Baby?"

[narrator]

Before the sun had set that day,


Commodore Nermal

was off in search of the blight


known as Captain Garfield...


He sailed the high seas...


He sailed the low seas...


For days, Commodore

Nermal got hopelessly lost


near either the North or South Pole


[GPS voice]
When you can,

make a legal u-turn


at the next iceberg.


I should never have bought

one of these things.


Let us do this the easy way, mate.

Locate a ship bearing lasagna

and we shall just follow it.
A wise move, Commodore.
A simple, obvious truth, my mate.
Find the lasagna,

and you find the overweight

orange pussycat.

Truer words were never spoken.

[narrator]
And so it was

that the next day on a familiar craft


of the Royal Post Office...


Do you expect the pirate Garfield

to board us again, Cappie?

Let me put it this way...
Just thought I'd save time.
Cap'n Herman! Sail h*!
It's him again!

I believe we all know

how this works.


Thank ye, men! You're saving us

a heap o' time.


Okay, just give me

the lasagna and I'll be on my way.


[Nermal] Not so fast,

ye thieving rapscallion!


I be Commodore Nermal,

captain of the Beauty Queen


and cutest kitten

in the whole kingdom!

Guards, seize them handsomely!

Hey! Be careful

with that thing, matey.

It just might be a sword.

Tis' was way easier

than I thought! And now...


Me Commodore, ye have

something on yer nose.

I do?

It be spoilin' your appearance,

it be, it be.


[gasp]

Really?

Would ye hold that for me?
I don't see any blemishes...

My sword!

You tricked me!


I'll hoist ye over the yardarm,

ye orange-bellied sluggard!


[narrator]

Oblivious to the dueling pair,


a one-eyed evil was

scrutinizing their every move,


waiting for the right time to strike...

Maneuver towards the ship!

These two fools are so

wrapped up in their catfight,

they won't even notice us!
A mouse! A mouse!
Yeah!

Come back here, ye stinking

rose smelling blaggard!


[narrator]

In the heat of battle,


both Captain Garfield

and Commodore Nermal


were taken aback

as another ship collided


with that

of the Royal Postal Office...

[roar]

Mackookoo?

We meet again.


What be ye doing here,

ye two-faced vulture?


Doing what I do best,

Cap'n Garfield.

Stealing what was briefly yours!
[evil laughter]
Men!

[pirates]

Arr!

This won't be good.
Pirates just love to say "arr."

Unhand me,

you wretched scallywags!


Hey! Find yerself another ship

to plunder! I was here first!

Shut up!
You don't need these fools...

Join me and together,

we shall rule the seven seas!


Let me consider yer offer

for a moment.


Nope. I'd rather be

marooned on a desert island


with basic cable

and no pizza delivery.

Funny you should mention that...

[Mackookoo]

Fairwinds, you two!

I vow I'll reclaim me ship

and me hearties

from yer evil parrot clutches, Mackookoo!

Well...
It could be a lot worse.
It doesn't get much worse

than being marooned

on a desert island with ye on it!

That's right. I'm with him.
Hey, Mackookoo! Come back!

How about feeding me

to sharks instead?

[sigh]

'Tis hardly the time

to be writing yer memoirs!


I'm writing a letter

to tell her Royal Highness


that vile, unkempt pirates have

stranded me on a desert island


with naught but an old

wooden bucket and you!

Addled fool!

We're thousands of leagues

from the Royal Palace!


There's no way that bottle

will reach its destination!

Goodness gracious!

It's an urgent

message for the Queen!


Change of plans, guys!

We're flying back to England!


[narrator]
Meanwhile,

back at the Royal Palace,


The Queen was growing

a tad impatient...

Beans! Again?

I shan't eat

another can of beans!


I'm afraid we've run out

of lasagna, Your Majesty.


Listen, I can make you

a nice quiche.

Maybe a yummy order--

A message from Commodore Nermal,

your Highness.

"Captured by pirates"?
"Stranded on a desert island"?
This is flat-out intolerable!
Here. Crumple this for me.

It has been crumpled,

your highness.


I shall take the matter

in my own royal hands!


Ready my royal vessel.

And pack a few swimming suits.

Caribbean, here I come!
[scream]
Yuck!

This tree is dripping

some kind of sticky white liquid.

It's revolting.

Whatever it is,

it can't be as revolting


as being stranded

here with you.


[gasp] Captain Garfield!

We're not alone.

I wish I was.

No, no. There's someone else

on this island.


Your imagination is running away

with you, Commodore Nermal.


-There's no one else...

-[gasp]

[screaming]
Cap'n Garfield!
Seize the dread pirate Garfield
and throw him in my dungeon.
Guards, seize them!
Mackookoo?
Stealing what was briefly yours.
[evil laughter]

Captain Garfield,

we're not alone.

[scream]
Sorry,
I didn't mean to scare you!

It's all right.

Do you have any food on you?

Wait, I know you!

You're the famous pirate,

Cap'n Garfield!


And I?

He does not know who I am.

I envy the man.
Oh, where are my manners?

I am Sir Arbuckle III

Please make yourself at home

Care for some oysters?
Ye might want to check

the expiration date

on the shells there...


There's nothing else

to eat around here.

Before my boat sank,

I was on my way to track down

a mythical treasure.

The Horn of Plenty

Ancient lore has it

that whosoever owns it


can conjure up

any food he ever craves.

Wow...

I wouldn't have to move a finger

to get fed!


Pirating is way too much work

if ye ask me...


I would most certainly

be knighted by the Queen


if I brought her back

such a wondrous present!

I must get that Horn of Plenty!
Easy, lads!

Sadly, I only have one

third of the map...


It says here

that one of the missing parts

is hidden on Gloogloo Island.
But in order to get there,

we'd have to find a way

off this island.

How?

There's nothing here

except that silly tree

and that wooden bucket!
It's a rubber tree!

Rubber. That's the stuff

they'll be using


to make balloons

for birthday parties

in a few hundred years!

[narrator]
The wily pirate took the sap

of the rubber tree


and employing a hollow

branch, blew a large sack...


He then filled it with hot air

from a small fire


that Sir Arbuckle had built

for warmth...


What neither Commodore Nermal

nor Sir Arbuckle knew


was that hot air weighs

less than cool air.


That causes the hot air to rise.


The wind is blowing us

due North...


...which means we're heading

towards Aruba Island!

Aruba Island?

The pirate haven?

What do you want to go there for?


Tis' a neutral ground,

and the nearest port


where Mackookoo can smuggle

such a large amount

of canned lasagna...

I'll reclaim me jolly-boat

and me hearties and then,

we can go treasure hunting!
Here, let me speed up our voyage a bit...

[narrator]
A few turns

of the hourglass later,


our merry band of buccaneers


landed gracefully

on Aruba Island.


Alright, perhaps not so gracefully.

Welcome to Aruba Island...
Hold on a grain' of sand!

Ye're still a wanted criminal,

ye wretched freebooter!


I wouldn't do that

if I were ye, me bucko.


No one's allowed to draw

weapons on Aruba Island.

[groans]

Is this place

really full of pirates?

Just listen...

-[everybody says "ay"]

-Hear those ays?

Guess so.
"Pirate-Mart"

"four Star Pirate Hotel"...

"Pirate Fashion"?


The place's gone a tad commercial

since me last visit!

What?

[vendor one sings]

♪I have everything you need♪


♪And all guaranteed

I’ve been selling them for years♪


♪Pirate souvenirs♪


[vendor two sings]

♪Do not listen to that man♪


♪He just sells junk♪


♪To every passing punk♪


♪My wares will bring cheers

Pirate souvenirs♪


♪If you're looking for

A real good deal♪


♪What I have here is a steal♪


♪Stay away from him

He charges more♪


♪I have bargains you'll adore♪


[all sing]

♪So time to make a great selection♪


♪As our time of closing nears♪


♪Let me be your new connection♪


♪For pirate souvenirs♪


♪So time to make a great selection♪


♪As our time of closing nears♪


♪Let me be your new connection

For pirate souvenirs♪


Cap'n Garfield

official merchandise!

Buy two, get one free!

Why don't they sell

Commodore Nermal plush toys?

I'm way cuter than that bloke!

Get your own show

and we'll see about it.


It'll be three doubloons

for the toy, Sir.


I'm afraid

I don't have any money.


I just spent the last twelve months

stranded on a desert island!


Yeah, yeah.

I hear that one everyday...


How 'bout I trade it

for some oysters?

[screaming]
Ye can have the toy for free!
Just go away!
Behold! "Vito’s Inn"!

Best "All-Ye-Can-Eat-Pizza"

in the whole Caribbean!


And I'll bet ye a plate

of freshly baked lasagna


that's where we'll find

that scurvy parrot!

Psst!
Commodore Nermal!
I'll be back in a jiffy, lads...
What are your orders, Sir?

Let's just wait

for these two fools.


When they least expect it,

we'll arrest them!


And the treasure map

shall be mine!


By Jove!

An actual pirate hangout!

And there's that mangy parrot!

Canned lasagna in my ristorante?

I don't'a know.

"Don't'a know"?

Vito, me bucko.

I have cases of it to sell you!


And at , doubloons,

it's really a bargain.


Oh, and hey,

I tell you what.


Act now and I'll throw in

those prisoners as a bonus!


I could'a do with some

cheap labor in the kitchen.

Fine! We have a deal!
Not so fast, Mackookoo!

Well, look what the cat

dragged in! The cat!


-Cap'n, me Cap'n!

-We knew ye'd come to rescue us!


Mackookoo, I challenge ye

to a pirate showdown!


[all]

Oh!


Whoever eats more pizza

wins the showdown.

If I win, I leave with me hearties,

the Cat O' Nine Tails,

and the whole swag of lasagna!

And what's in it for me?
If I lose, ye keep everything
and I'll be yer personal sl*ve forever.

Now you're talking!

I accept the pirate showdown!

Prepare for a most humiliating defeat!

A bird's appetite

doesn't stand a chance

against me legendary gut!

Who said I was the one

doing all the eating?


Under the rules

of the pirate showdown,


a bloke can appoint

a designated eater in his place.

So...

So?

So I appoint him.

[groan]

[narrator]
Within moments,

the wager was on.


The two pirates

would face each other


on the twin fields of honor

and mozzarella.


Vito, bring forth

the flatbreads!


Parmesan with anchovy topping

as per yer request!

Anchovy?
But I hate anchovies on pizza.
Oh, you do? Sorry.
Must have slipped me mind!

I'll skewer yer gizzard,

ye slovenly swab!

[gasp]
[evil laughters]
Hey, this isn't half bad.

[all]

Yeah!

By the way, folks.
This episode is a work of fiction.

I really still do

hate anchovies on pizza.

[Garfield whispers]

Eat up,

you over-stuffed bilge-rat!

Wake up, wake up!

You have to win

this showdown!


If Captain Garfield can finish

this pizza, he wins!


[all]

Yeah!

[bark]

I'm glad to see ye too,

ye scurvy seadog


Hand me the keys to me boat,

Mackookoo.


Ye may have won this battle,

Cap'n Garfield...

But as we say,

it ain't over

'til the fat pirate sings!

[laughter]

[narrator]
Now reunited with his crew

Captain Garfield and his mates


adjourned to the pier

where ships were moored...

[bark]

-[gasp]

-[groan]


Where on earth

did that limey parrot

anchor the Cat O' Nine Tails?
I can't see it anywhere here.
Oh wait.
[car key sound]
This way!
[bark]
Me ship!
Everyone aboard!

The first person who puts a foot

on my boat loses that foot!

Oh, by the way: Arrr!
Yer boat? It's me boat!
Not any more, it isn't.
[sad bark]

[narrator]

Who is this mysterious woman?


And why is Captain Garfield's

ship now hers?