Bigfoot Exorcist (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Dark Lord, hear our plea.

Deliver us thy beast.

Deliver us thy Avenger.

We offer our blood.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana.

Hey, sugar t*ts.

We thought we'd

keep you company.

The f*ck, you will.

Think we ought to go after her?

Hell, yeah.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana.

Hey, look at that sign.

Bigfoot?

Seriously?

You don't believe in Bigfoot?

Are you kidding me?

It's just a scam.

It's always these

blurry pictures

on the internet of, like,

some guy in a monkey suit.

I know, but wouldn't it be

wild if Bigfoot was real?

I'd rather find out

the Tooth Fairy's real.

At least she gives you cash.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy

Satana, Holy Satana.

How can you eat these things?

It's a marshmallow.

It's only the number one

campfire food on the planet.

Yeah, says who?

Everybody.

Well, I don't want it.

They're all sticky and icky.

I'd rather eat a vegan hot dog.

A tofu eater?

Are you kidding me?

You're going to make me barf

all over my nice and toasty

marshmallow.

Don't forget sticky.

I can never forget sticky.

Don't you like to get a

little sticky sometimes?

Brandi.

I think we should

get sticky right now.

No.

Brandi.

Just a little bite.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana.

Did I ever tell you about the

time my cat got kidnapped?

No.

Oh?

One day, I came home from work,

and my cat was just missing.

And there was a

note on the table,

and it said, if you want to

see your cat again, bring

$1,000 in small bills to the

backyard of the Taco Bell

and leave it in the dumpster.

What?

So yeah, so we got the

$1,000, and we took it there,

and we waited to see

who would show up.

It's my f*cking mom.

Your mom?

She stole my cat and

then robbed me of $1,000.

What the hell?

That's why I don't

live at home anymore.

Your own mom.

What the f*ck was that?

Probably an owl?

Not like any owl

I've ever heard.

Where have you

heard an owl before?

Some nature show or something?

I don't know.

And owls are screamers?

No, they're hooters.

Speaking of.

Seriously, there's

something out there.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy

Satana, Holy Satana.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana,

Holy Satana, Holy Satana.

Blasphemy, seize them!

Hello, Dr. Warbeck.

Well, I keep forgetting

that you nuns have

eyes in the back of your head.

Is there something

you need to tell me?

Straight to business, right?

OK, well, here it is.

We have a girl at the hospital.

Looks like she's been

clawed by a wild animal,

but she keeps talking

about witches, demons.

Sounds right down your alley.

And why do you say that?

Why?

Everybody knows about you,

Sister, about that time

you performed that exorcism

on that little girl!

Well, that's what people

are saying it was.

Her mother is running around

telling everyone that you

saved her daughter from demons!

I never speak of

my work, Doctor.

The only counsel I require

is that of our Lord.

Sure, whatever you say, Sister.

Will you please just

come to the hospital?

We need you to

talk to this girl.

I'm ready.

Well, Christ on a

crutch, it's about time.

I think we're going

to need some wine.

We've got a couple of six packs.

I... I think we're good.

When have you ever

seen me drink beer?

I drink wine, ros wine because

it's pretty and pink, like me.

Anyways, that's why I drink it.

Sure, you do.

Look, we're all packed.

Did you save room

for my backpack?

I... I'll make room.

I don't want it squished.

It's not going to get squished.

Careful, you're squishing it!

I'm not squishing it!

I just need to give

it a little push.

A little push?

Like this.

You just did that on purpose.

Baby, if we're going to camp

on Monteagle Mountain tonight,

we need to get up there

before it gets dark

and get settled in.

I... I definitely want to

get sitting in our cabin

before the bears come out.

Bears?

You didn't tell me

there were going

to be any bears

on that mountain.

Hey, it's a mountain.

Bears love mountains.

You leave them alone,

they'll leave you alone.

Besides, you're

going to be so busy,

you won't even notice them.

And just what will

I be so busy doing?

I think you'll

think of something.

Are you sure you're not doing

the thinking for the both

of us?

What if I am?

I want you to hear

something loud and clear.

If we see one

f*cking bear, I don't

care if it's yogi

with a picnic basket,

we're getting in the

car, no arguments,

and we're getting the

f*ck off of that mountain.

Understood?

Crystal clear.

Good.

Now, lose the beer, get me a

case of ros, and let's go.

Look at me, I'm Raquel

Welch, and this pterodactyl

is going to take me away

and feed me to its babies.

Rescue me, Claude.

Claude, look how horny

this dinosaur is.

How come you're

never this horny?

Claude, look, Yogi

is my boyfriend.

Babe, babe, there's a 10-foot

grizzly right behind you, and...

oh, sh*t, what's

that in his mouth?

It's a head.

No, it's two heads!

Oh my god, that's one

f*cking hungry grizzly.

You think you're so funny.

Let's see how funny

you are whenever

you're sleeping in

the car tonight,

because I'm not sharing

my nice, warm, cozy cabin

with a smartass.

Now, where's my wine?

Well, actually, I was

thinking about something else.

Uh, I think you really

need something else.

Do I have to spell

it out for you?

I'm sure you're

going to tell me.

Yeah?

Well, what I think you need

is some of that good old,

patented Claude Miles

lovin' all night long.

What do you say about that?

All night long?

I think six minutes

is more likely.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you must

be thinking of some other

guy, because no one accuses

this fellow of

running out of steam.

I think I just did.

Well, we'll see.

I have a feeling

that you're going

to be waking up with

an ear-to-ear grin

on that pouty face of yours.

What do you say about that?

Lucky me.

Well, what do you think?

Oh my god, babe,

this is so awesome!

Oh, it's a rocking chair.

It's so cute, oh my gosh.

Oh, we can have a picnic.

Oh my gosh, you picked

such a great spot!

Oh my goodness,

oh, I'm so excited.

I love it!

So I was thinking maybe we

should move this party inside.

You know, let

bygones be bygones.

What do you say about that?

Hey.

What's this?

Hm, let me see.

Oh, it's a pentagram.

I saw one of those on

an old Lon Chaney movie.

Well, I like it.

What do you think?

I'm always down

with free jewelry.

You wouldn't say that.

Well, I'm going to go to bed.

If you find any

diamonds laying around,

don't wake me up for

anything less than 10 carats,

and uh, you can unroll your

sleeping bag right here.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, if

you're sleeping in the cabin,

then I'm sleeping in the cabin.

Nuh-uh, newsflash, Mr. Miles,

we're not sleeping together

tonight.

We're not sleeping together

tomorrow night, probably

not for weeks, not until

you learn to be a little bit

more respectful and...

Oh my god, what was that?

Didn't I mention that?

This is the woods,

darling, and the woods

are filled with wild animals...

vicious, hungry wild animals.

Let's get in the f*cking cabin.

Right behind you, babe.

Dear Lord, protect your child.

Please keep her

safe from the Beast.

Keep her in safety,

and grant me the will

to do your work here on Earth.

I thought you'd

be looking for me.

Child, what happened to you?

It was a beast, a giant beast.

He k*lled my friend.

What was your friend's name?

Her name was Ash.

I will pray for her.

There were others,

men in long robes,

but they must have been demons.

Demons?

Are you sure?

They must have been.

They wanted the beast

to k*ll us both.

The devil's servants

summoning a beast from hell.

Take this.

What's this?

The devil won't be

cheated so easily.

Wear it around your neck.

Never take it off,

not even for a second.

Wear it for protection.

Protection?

Against the legions of hell.

I've seen their kind

before, and this

isn't the first time

Satan's disciples have

summoned a monster.

Three years ago, I

found an innocent man

possessed by Satan's evil.

Half-man, half-beast.

It still haunts me today.

Sir, sir, sir!

You need to come with me.

Come on, it's OK.

You need to come with me.

It's OK.

We brought you this.

What is this place?

Where have you brought me?

This is our communion

of the spirits passed

for our sisters of mercy.

Now, what's happened to me?

There's something

evil inside you.

I sense it, the

Mark of the Devil.

Something happened last night.

It started to change.

I felt like I was turning

into some kind of beast

or something.

That's all I can remember,

with the next thing I remember,

I was looking at you.

These marks on your

arm... were you attacked?

Yeah, by... by a

monster, some kind of...

some kind of Bigfoot.

It tried to k*ll my wife, and

then I... then I k*lled it.

And then, it...

it did this to me.

It did more than that.

It cursed you, with the

Mark of Satan's Beast.

The Beast now lives in you.

It came out last night,

and it will again unless...

Unless what?

There's only one hope...

exorcism.

In the name of the Holy Spirit,

in the name of the Sacred

Christ, in the name of

the Father of Creation,

I command you, leave

this mortal shell!

Unclean spirit,

release this man.

In the name of the Holy

Trinity, in the name

of the Mother of Christ, I

pray, cast this demon's spirit.

Release this form!

Release this one from

your evil dominion!

The power of Christ

commands you.

The power of Christ compels you!

Release him.

Be gone!

Leave this mortal shall.

Unclean spirits,

release this man

in the name of the Holy Trinity.

In the name of the

Mother of Christ,

I pray, cast out

this demon spirit.

Release this one from

your evil dominion.

The power of Christ

commands you!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ

commands you.

The power of Christ compels you.

Release him!

Be gone!

Obey the power of God.

You will obey!

Oh, god, help us all!

You're going to

need a bigger cross!

No!

You asked to see

me, Mother Superior?

Yes, Sister, I was just

speaking to the police.

The police?

Yes, about the death of

your assistant, Sister Jean.

Ah, yes, Sister

Jean, such a tragedy.

I gave them my statement, but

of course, I wasn't a witness.

I didn't see Sister

Jean die, but you did.

Yes, it was a nightmare,

something I'll never forget.

I should think not,

since it was you

who caused Sister Jean's death.

Me?

But Sister Jean was

k*lled by a man that

was possessed by demonic evil.

Which you attempted

to exorcise in clear defiance

of the Holy Mother Church.

That's not true.

Isn't it?

You know perfectly well

the holy rite of exorcism

must be sanctioned

by the Vatican,

something you

conveniently overlooked.

There wasn't time.

That man was a

tormented soul that

had a demon inside of him that

unleashed a beast, a beast that

needs to k*ll.

And thanks to you, that

so-called beast did k*ll.

It k*lled our own Sister Jean,

who faithfully served our order

with humility and wisdom.

But you corrupted her.

You forced her to participate

in a reckless exorcism

with no real proof

of possession.

But I saw it!

I saw that man turn into

this inhuman creature right

before my eyes.

How convenient for you,

Sister, all the better to lay

the blame for your recklessness

on some imaginary creature.

Let me be very clear.

Sister Jean is dead

because of your actions,

and I intend to recommend

excommunication.

No, you can't.

I can, and I will.

For now, you are to be

confined to your quarters.

That beast is still loose.

There's no telling how

many more it will k*ll.

I have to stop it.

This is no longer a matter

of your concern, Sister.

I can feel God's

power in my hands.

I have God's power

to cast out demons,

and I intend to use that

power to stop that beast,

no matter what you say.

Sister, you will obey me!

Hey, babe, I'm

going to go jogging.

OK, great.

Uh, how long do you

think you'll be gone for?

I don't know, like,

three or four hours.

Three or four hours?

Yeah, I ate two

lobsters last night,

so I have to go jog them off.

OK, well, fine.

Be safe.

I love you.

Hello, neighbor.

Neighbor?

I'm in one of the cabins

down the way, the brown one.

I think they're all brown.

You noticed that too?

We have so much in common.

Can I come in?

Uh, sure, uh, I guess.

Cute, you got the small one.

We like it.

We?

Does that mean you

have a girlfriend?

It's... yeah, she's

gone jogging right now.

She would rather be out jogging

than in here cuddling with you?

Oh, it's... it's not like that.

Mm-hmm, OK, I understand.

I... I don't think you do.

You want to hear

something funny?

Sure?

So yesterday, I was

in the grocery store,

and this man walks up to me,

and he asks me for my autograph.

Can you believe that?

Why did he want your autograph?

He thought that I

was a porn star.

Isn't that crazy?

He thought you were a porn star?

It's not that crazy.

Lots of men like porn stars.

OK, well, that's good to know.

Who's your favorite porn star?

I mean, I don't...

I don't... I don't know.

I... I don't really watch porn.

Don't lie.

Well, I mean, actually,

what I mean is, I...

it's just not what I'm

thinking about right now.

What were you thinking about?

Well, since you

asked, there's...

there's a giant Bigfoot

statue down the road,

and I guess it's got me

thinking about Bigfoot.

Oh, that would be

hot, Bigfoot porn.

Bigfoot would need

at least two women.

No, he would need at least

six women and two men.

OK, well, what I mean is that

they call this place Bigfoot

Mountain, and it kind of has me

wondering if he could be real.

Well, what do you think?

I... I don't know.

It's... you know, it's a

crazy legend, but you know,

you see people on TV.

I saw a guy on TV who

was describing it.

You know, he's claimed

to have seen Bigfoot,

and he says he has these

big, black eyes, and...

Yeah?

What else?

Well, said he smelled like sh*t.

Well, speaking of which,

I'm kind of grimy myself.

You mind if I use your shower?

I... I don't know.

It's... uh, I...

I don't... I don't...

Thanks.

OK.

Hey, um, can I

have one of those?

Um, sure.

Thanks.

Yeah, you need a light?

Yeah.

You all right?

Have you seen anything

weird around here?

What do you mean by, weird?

OK, like guys in cloaks.

Have you heard any chanting?

Uh, I haven't.

Is that something that

happens around here?

Um, have you... have you

seen anything that looks like

Bigfoot?

I mean, there's a

statue down the road,

but it's Bigfoot Mountain.

I mean, I think Bigfoot is

one of those things you have

to see to believe, you know?

Well, believe it

or not, last week,

Bigfoot k*lled my best friend.

Whoa.

And he almost k*lled me, too.

Here?

Yes.

Oh.

I'm sorry, but I really

need someone's help.

I really... I have to find him.

I have to do something

before he kills someone else.

So you want to find Bigfoot?

I, uh... I think I might be up

for a Bigfoot hunt, you know?

Really?

Yeah.

OK, good.

I just can't do it alone.

Well, uh, just let me

know what you need.

Are you staying here tonight?

Yeah, it's me and my girlfriend.

OK, well, I'll be back later.

OK, well, I'll be ready.

OK.

Let's find Bigfoot.

I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

So uh, how... how

was your shower?

It could have been better.

Really?

You could have joined me

and soaped up my back.

Uh, you could go to

jail for sh*t like that.

I wouldn't tell.

Well, my... my girlfriend, she

could be back at any minute.

Maybe she really likes running.

Well, see...

Are you OK?

Ow.

I have this kink.

Do you think you can

give me a back massage?

You look like you have

really strong hands.

Uh, they're not that strong.

They're fine.

Let's go.

That's... it's...

Show me what you got.

OK, come here.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's it right there.

You do have strong hands.

Oh, yeah.

So how... how's that?

Uh, I think my carpal

tunnel might be kicking in.

Don't f*cking stop.

Yeah, mommy loves

this, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

OK, OK, OK, I hear you.

I hear you.

Bigfoot hunting time?

What is it?

Don't you hear it?

The monks, they're chanting.

I...

Bigfoot must be close.

Bigfoot?

Monks?

OK.

Just listen.

Holy Satana, Holy Satana.

Oh, sh*t, I do hear it.

Uh, OK, that's f*cked up.

Well, we have to find them.

OK, how do we do that?

Just follow the chanting.

All right, let's go

get these b*stards.

Thank god, he's dead.

Holy sh*t.

Run!

f*ck you, f*cking

son of a b*tch!

f*ck, f*cking Bigfoot!

God!

f*ck.

How is that f*cking Bigfoot?

Claude, what's wrong with you?

What happened to your hand?

Stay back.

Claude, what... what happened?

Claude!

No, no, listen, he was so hot.

It was so worth it.

And his girlfriend?

She wasn't even here.

She was out jogging.

She doesn't care

about him at all.

So he's lucky that I

got there when I did,

because I'm so much

better than she is.

I mean, I don't even

know her, but I was here,

and she wasn't, so.

What the f*ck was that?

I don't know.

There's something weird

happening outside my house.

Some kind of animal, I guess.

No, I do not feel bad.

I would do it again,

so let's talk about...

OK, there's seriously

something outside.

I need to go see what that is.

Um, I'll call you back.

Claude, is that you?

Back for more, obviously?

Jesus Christ, what?

Hello?

OK.

Oh my god, f*ck you, Bigfoot!

Go away!

Oh no!

Dear Lord, our savior,

please guide me

on this path to rid this

beast from this Earth,

this demon from this man, and

release his tortured soul.

As our savior, please help

me rid him of this demon

and cast it out where

it belongs back to hell.

Satan's beast, in the name

of God, leave this man!

Cast you out, demon.

You will obey the power of God!

Satan's beast, in the name

of God, leave this man.

I cast you out, demon.

Leave this Earth.

Go back to hell!

Satan's beast, get back!

Obey the power of God.

Satan's beast, you foul

creature, I casted you out,

you demon!

Satan's beast, obey.

Obey the power of God.

You foul beast,

stand in the cowl.

Obey the power of God!

Obey the power of God,

you Satan's beast,

you inhuman creature!

God have mercy on your soul.

Foul creature, I

cast you out, demon.

Obey the power of God!

Obey the power of God.

Obey the power of

God, you creature.

I cast you out, demon.

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you for delivering

us from this beast

and casting its

soul down into hell.

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you...

Good evening, friends.

This is Zoe Lenore, and I come

to you with breaking news.

There is a series of

brutal murders happening.

Most recently, the body of

a severely mutilated nun

was found on Monteagle Mountain.

Police have since

quarantined off the area,

and some speculate there's

some type of bigfooted monster

in the woods.

We hit the streets

to ask the burning

question... is Bigfoot real?

Do you have the

answers that could

lead to this creature's capture

and solve these brutal crimes?

I don't think there's a Bigfoot.

I know there's a Bigfoot.

Last summer, my fiance, Melvin,

rented us a cabin up there

on Bigfoot Mountain,

and we got there,

and he's a perfect

gentleman, so he said,

you sleep in the

bedroom, and I'm

going to sleep on the couch.

We went to sleep.

Middle of the night,

it was pitch black,

and I hear this thumping.

My door flings open, and there's

this beast standing there.

And he came over, and

ripped off my clothes,

and ravaged me over,

and over, and over.

Next morning, Melvin was

still asleep on the couch

and said, honey, did you

hear anything last night?

And he said, no, darling,

just shook his head.

Some people are trying to say

it was Melvin who assaulted me,

but I know it was Bigfoot.

Melvin was a perfect

gentleman, like I said before,

and he's going to be

the perfect husband.

I just wish he'd do something

about that damn hairy beard

of his.

You want to know what

I think of Bigfoot?

I think it's fake.

I think it's fake news.

It always has been,

always will be.

And you can quote

me on that forever,

because it is just

nothing but bullshit.

So sir, I just want to know,

do you think Bigfoot is real?

Right, there's no

such thing as Bigfoot.

We have hunters.

We have thousands of

hunters in the southeast.

They scour the woods.

They've seen every single little

crevice that you can imagine.

They've seen every creek.

They've... they've... they've

gone over every hill, every dale.

They've done it.

If there was a Bigfoot, they

would have found it by now.

It's been nothing but

a lie this whole time.

It's always been fake,

and all these people

who go around saying

that Bigfoot is real

are full of nothing but sh*t.

Uh, if you go to,

uh... to the Himalayas,

you've got idiots lining up to

die climbing up that mountain.

They're there.

They're there with

their cameras.

They're looking everywhere.

And that's where

supposedly the...

I think they call it Yeti

there as opposed to...

to Sasquatch or Bigfoot.

But you've got all

these areas that

say they've got a claim to it.

None of them have any evidence.

There's that really, really

grainy film that's probably

a guy wearing a stupid suit.

We don't need that.

Doesn't prove anything.

They can't demonstrate that.

It's just, there's no evidence.

I'm telling you, it's fake,

it's always been fake,

and I swear to you, you can

quote me on that forever!

At this point, there

have been so many eyes

put on this project, so

many people that have...

have had an opportunity

to look, and they

haven't found anything.

Eventually, you got

to throw up your hands

and say, no, we've had hunters.

We've had hikers.

We've had, well,

idiots that get lost.

Nobody's found a damn thing.

It's done.

There is no Bigfoot.

Bigfoot is nothing but bullshit.

It has been a lie

the whole time,

and all these people going

around saying, Bigfoot is real.

Oh, it's some scary

hairy monster,

and it's been going

on for so many years.

All I've heard about is this

Bigfoot creature my whole life.

It's been a lie this whole

time, and all these people

are full of sh*t and

nothing but sh*t.

They just... I don't

know what kind of alcohol

they've been drinking.

They're nothing but drunk

rednecks who don't know nothing

about nothing.

And I swear to God, I'm

sick of hearing these lies,

and you can quote

me on this forever.

You heard what my daughter said.

Anybody that thinks Bigfoot is

real is full of donkey doodoo.

There is no Bigfoot.