01x02 - How to Be a Main b*tch

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

Hey!

So, it's moving day.

And--

Teddy Pendergrass,
can you please be a teeny bit more quiet?

Thank you.

Hi!

So, we're moving, and by we,
of course I mean me and my son,

but also my dad.

For now.

So since I've been living with my dad,

I've been thinking a lot
about attachment styles.

And, really, I'm gonna talk about
insecure attachment.

Because secure attachment...

...I've never met that girl.

She does not live in this house.

Um, okay, so for me, right, I am anxious.

That's one style. Anxious.

Think like preoccupied and very enmeshed.

We could be abandoned at any moment.

So we really only feel safe
if we're, like, right up your a*s

or you're right up our a*s.

And I don't mean that literally.

Although, if you like a*s play,
that's cool with me.

The other style is avoidant.

These folks are allergic to feelings.

They don't wanna have real intimacy.

So--
Wait a minute. Hey, hey.

What is all this
psychological mumbo-jumbo?

This Sigmund Freud m*therf*cker.

He don't know what he talkin' about.

- No?
- No!

No. Avoidant. Exhibit A.

You see it? Take a look. Recognize it.

I'm not trying to be
in your film right now.

There he is. There he is.
He's running away.

- I'm not trying--
- That's what they do, they run away.

All she said is,
"You can stay... for now."

Okay.

So, basically you're not sure
if this is a long-term solution.

Oh, she's testing me.

She can't just let me stay,

she gotta give me all these rules,
you know.

"Don't come in my room, no singing,
put the toilet seat down."

I mean, can you blame her?

You have failed
a lot of her tests historically.

Yeah, I'm not talking history, Mal.

Uh, she's gonna make me work for it.

No, she's going to make you earn it.

Yeah.

Alright, first things first.

I wanna get me my driver's license, man.

Mm-mmm. That's not first.

A job is first.

But...

here is this.

Yeah.

I love to drive.

I used to move 50 kilos
from LA to Minneapolis in 24 hours.

You really bragging about that?

No, I'm not looking
to get into any of that again.

I just--

I'm looking' to catch some wind, Mal.

How old you gotta be
to get a driver's license anyway?

Don't worry. You're old enough.

Ah. Damn, baby girl.

This is really nice.

Right?

I'm, like, actually gonna
have my own room.

Huh. We've both been
living in cells, huh, dog?

Oh, my God, I'm so happy.

Are you so happy, Paige?

Yeah, mostly happy.

Am I the best real estate agent or what?

I'm ready for my bus bench.

Okay, we can rip up this floor
and put down some bamboo.

No, no, I kinda like this floor.

And new hardware for the kitchen.

And I bet there's brick behind this wall.

We just need to tear it down.

No, no, no, we are not
tearing down anything.

What is with all this negativity?

Do we need to sage you?

No, I just am not
the tear-down-the-wall type.

Well, maybe you should be.

Hi.

Hi, there, we're unpackers
from UnPack Attack.

Bill sent us.

He also sent these.

Oh!

Wow.

So if you don't mind,
we'll get started in the kitchen?

Oh, sure. It's-it's right that way.

Alright. Let's go.

Thank you.

I mean--

My Bill.

How great is he?

Actually, he could be greater.

Paige? So, Paige,
he sent people to unpack?

Why didn't he come himself?

Probably because he has a job.

I'm sorry, that's when you go somewhere

- and do things and they give you money.
- Okay, okay.

How do they know
where to put everything?

I don't know, but they're professionals!

Look at Paige.

Dude, I think UnPack Attack
is your new love language.

Later today we're going to a dance class

because Bill needs to practice
for his daughter's wedding.

You mean the wedding
you're not invited to?

Say what now?

Well, Bill doesn't want a lot of drama.

Because he knows
that it's his daughter's big day.

Technically, he's still married.

Oh. So, you're what, his side piece?

He's almost divorced.

Oh!

So you the jump off.

Uh, what's a jump off?

Don't ask that.

It's where Bill jumps

from some basic white woman to you

before jumping somewhere else.

Probably to another a basic white woman

who likes the occasional threesome,
you see?

No, no.

No. No.

I am his girlfriend.

Let me ask you something, Paige.

Does Bill lie to you?

No. Absolutely not.

- That's good.
- Okay.

You are the side piece.

A man lies to his main b*tch.

You're making no sense.

The side chick?
She knows everything.

'Cause a man doesn't give a f*ck
what the side piece thinks.

Why would you lie
to the most important person?

- Yeah.
- Because you do not wish to upset her.

Because they are the most important.

Hmm.

Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what?

We need a third rule:
mind your business.

Truth hurts, sister girl.

Yeah?

My man.

You have a door, man.

Congratulations.

Thanks. But I didn't do anything.

Hey, uh, your mama said
I could take you to ice cream.

You know, so we can bond.

Does ice cream bond people?

No, no.
She said we could Duber.

- You mean Uber.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Finn?
- Yeah?

Uh--

You have a driver's license?

A license?

Uh-huh.
- No.

Just a permit.

I don't really care about driving.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice
to be able to go where you wanna go

without your mama sometime?

I guess.

I'm just not really into going anywhere.

I might have a proposition for you.

g*dd*mn.

Grateful to you, mama.

Thank you for keeping her for me, baby.

Rode her twice a month.

I'm gonna have to
think of a way to repay you.

Hmm.

From behind, baby.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Is this what you meant by ice cream?

Oh, sh*t.

Okay, okay.

So how's it living with Paige?

I'd rather be living with you.

Oh, you know that can't happen.

Since when do you choose a job over me?

Since I got a job
that you could screw up.

You know I'm your grandma, right?

Of course, you didn't.

Nadine took care of your mama
for ten years when I was away, Finn.

Sick cloud.

You ready?

You want me to drive this thing?

Get your a*s in the car, boy.

She kept this car for you,
for like, my entire life?

She's a good woman.

How come Mom never talks about her?

'Cause your mom doesn't get it.

Okay.

You know how to start a car?

Not with a key.

You look, uh-- You--

Come here. Come here.

Mm! Mm!
- Yeah.

Okay.

Remember when I put
my thumb in your mouth?

I always wanted to try it.

Really?

Uh... yeah. I mean--

It was hot.

Kind of.

We're gonna be late.

- Okay, cool.
- Come on.

Hurry up.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Okay. So your parking needs work.

But I get it.

You don't want your license
'cause you don't wanna drive.

Huh?

I mean, it's a lot.

Boy.

Imma teach you how to cruise.

Ain't nothing scary about it.

You ready?

Alright.

First, wind your window down.

Good.

Now you gonna pick out a jam right there.

But since I don't think I'm gonna like
what you pick, I'll pick the jam.

Let's see here. Uh--

No, let's go with this, right--

right here.

Alright, now,

put your foot on the brake.

Put 'er in gear.

Uh-huh.

Cruise.

Uh, whoa. Good, good, good.

You good. You good. That's alright.

Turn the wheel and drive.

Now you just cruise.

Cruise. Cruise.

People are looking.

That means you're doin' it right.

Just give 'em a little nod.

They're admiring you, son.

Oh, man. Boy, nod up.

sh*t. White folks nod down.

Up, up.

Get it.

Yeah, alright.

You'll get it.

- Okay.
- God.

Is not hard. Is no easier dance than this.

Oh!
Oof.

- I'm s--
- Sorry.

Two left feet.
Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, it was just my bunion.

I can't believe my little girl
is getting married.

Oh, my God, Dad, stop.

I just want him to take
as good care of you as I do.

You're my princess.

You're my princess.

Is this why white girls feel like
they deserve everything they want?

They grew up hearing sh*t like,

"You're my princess."

It's all starting to make
so much sense now.

No wonder white women always
want to speak to the manager.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry.

Yeah. Okay.

It's okay.

Are we eating here?
No.

I'm gonna get a job application, man.

Imma show your mama
I'm different this time.

That this whole thing is different.

You sit tight. I'll be right back.

Oh. Oh.

Why don't you take the car,
whip around the parking lot one time?

Nah, I'm not really up to that.

Okay. Hey.

You're just getting started.
You give it time.

- Okay?
- Okay.

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Alright.

So when do you two get married?

Oh, no, no.
This is for my daughter's wedding.

We're just dating.

- "Just"?
- What?

You just said we were "just dating."

We are. And it's great.

You are so fun.

I thought that we were
in a relationship.

Isn't dating a relationship?

Is this about the wedding?

No, because I get that.

You don't want your ex to make a scene.

Jean would never make a scene.

Besides, she doesn't even know about you.

She doesn't even know about me?

I was waiting till after the wedding.

Holy sh*t.

Are you lying to your ex-wife
and telling me the truth?

Yes!
I always tell you the truth.

Well, that's horrible!

My dad was right?

I am not your main b*tch?

Ah... you know what?

I'm just gonna get a Lyft.

What? Why? No.

I'm-I'm happy to drive you.

It's too far out of your way.

It wasn't too far earlier.

Exactly, I don't wanna
put you out again.

Okay. Um, well, we're not really
finished having this conversation.

Okay, so the therapist in me
sees how hard this is for you.

And I'm sorry. I really am.

But I think if we can talk about it,
we can work through it.

Let's talk tomorrow.

Oh!

Ugh.

You ready to deal with
whatever's making you look so puffy?

Wh-- I hate you.

Promise me we're gonna
paint these other walls, though, right?

Right. So he said,
"Let's just talk tomorrow."

What does that mean?

He was punting to today.
Or tomorrow. Or never.

So should I text him and say,
"Hey, I'm here if you wanna talk"?

No, because he doesn't
actually want to talk.

That's what he's trying to avoid.

Words.

Is he breaking up with me?

I just don't understand
why you get so invested.

Like, can't you just f*ck him for a while
and then move on?

I don't work like that. I get attached.

Eh, it works for me.

You've been divorced three times.

I've also been married three times.

I get attached. Very attached.

Is that so wrong?

I can't find the studs.

In any facet of my life.

Looks like we're just gonna
have to sledgehammer this bad boy.

No. No, no, no, no! No, no.

What if there's no brick?

Then we just get
some more ugly wood paneling.

What is the big deal?

I'm attached to this ugly paneling.

There we go.

It may seem like it's a lot of flame,
but what happens is

this flame will burn off

and it leaves that sweet caramel flavor.

We're not actually allowed
to flambé here, so--

Hey, it smells amazing, Edwin.

And it tastes even better.
I promise you.

You try that, Carl.

Hey, man, I wanna thank you
for inviting me back to cook for you.

I really need this job, man.

I'm just trying to make a better life
for my daughter and my grandson.

You, uh, you have kids?

Yeah, two.
And six homing pigeons.

Okay. Yeah.

Wow, that's really good.

I'll work hard for you, Carl.

Hey, you wait till you see what I do
was some shrimp scampi.

It's really something,

a man like you
trying to make an honest living.

Well, there's only one thing
in the world that matters to me, Carl,

and that's my family.

And loving my family starts with,

starts with a good, honest job.

Well, Edwin... welcome to the team.

Thank you.

- Hey, baby girl.
- Yes?

Get dressed.

We are going to dinner to celebrate.

He got a job at Parmesan Garden.

Yeah, I did.

I'm going to my room.
Okay.

That's great.

Why you got that look on your face?

You are still hung up on that guy.

No, I am not still hung up on that guy.

I'm merely trying to figure out
where an UnPack Attacker

would have put a stupid f*cking napkin.

Didn't I tell you it was bullshit?

If you must know,
we did have a minor disagreement

and he said, "Let's talk tomorrow."

But now he hasn't called.
And today is tomorrow.

Paige, you are a beautiful woman.

Uh-huh.

Why are you waiting around
on this dude?

If he doesn't step up,
he doesn't deserve you.

You are so right.

I am.

I have been misunderstanding
this whole situation.

I have to call him.
No, this is, this is gonna be so good.

Oh, he sent me to voice mail. Okay.

That's okay.
No, no, no, I'll just take a deep breath.

Hi, Bill. It's Paigy, of course.

Um, so, I-I didn't know

if you meant that I should call you
or you were gonna call me,

but I just, I-I think that we should
kinda work through what happened

and, um, actually also talk a little bit

about you stepping up
to do the kinds of things

that I need you to do
to be the man that I need.

- Hmm. That's right.
- Because, um,

I haven't been
understanding my worth.

Come on.
- And, um, you know, as a result,

although this is totally not your fault,

but I'm now just beginning
to understand what I deserve.

Amen. Come on.

And I know this might be
confusing to you,

but that actually does include lying...

Boom. Mm-hmm.

... to me.
Come on.

So, um, you know, just call me
when you get a chance.

No big deal. I can explain.

Okay, thanks, bye. Mwah!

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Why did you make me do that?

Are you on drugs? Paige.

No. By some miracle, I am not on drugs.

But, I--

He's texting. Thank God.

He doesn't think this is working.

I don't think it's working either, Paige.

Looked to me like you was the jump off.

Get dressed.

He needs space, right?

I mean, really
what he needs is autonomy,

but people get those two things mixed up.

You got two answers
in a relationship, Paige.

Yes, no, and maybe.

Well, that's three answers.

Maybe is no.

He's saying no.

I thought we were celebrating.

Right. Cheers.

I told you I'd get a job now.

I think what he's realizing
is that divorce

doesn't mean no relationship problems,

it means new relationship problems.

You're still talking about Bill.
Mm-hmm.

And here you go.
Mm!

More breadsticks.

Thank you. I don't usually eat carbs.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

You know what?

I'll go too.

Hmm.

You first.

Oh, no, no. You go ahead, son.

I-I'll wait out here.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Hi. Hey, Aaron.

I would like more breadsticks
for the table.

Your food is on the way.

Yes, I know that.

But I still want more breadsticks
because they are never-ending, right?

They are, but, uh, here's the thing,
that's sorta just something we say.

And there's an unwritten
three-basket limit and you're at five.

Excuse me?

The commercial says, "Never-ending."

That means they need
to never actually end.

Because my whole life
has been one long string

of broken promises and disappointment.

I mean, princess of foster care, maybe.

And then my dad just goes to jail

and drops me off
with his crazy girlfriend.

Yeah, Imma need those breadsticks.

Can I please speak to the manager?

Hey. There he is.

My man Carl.

Didn't I tell you
I'll be back to celebrate?

Yeah. Goodness. Um--

I was actually gonna give you a call.

Uh, turns out there's a policy.

We can't hire ex-felons.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I got you, man.

Nah, don't even worry about it.

You know what?
I-- Your meal's on me.

Good luck to you, Edwin.

You-- You're gonna do great.

You're so articulate.

Thank you, man.

Yeah.

Hey. All good back there?

Yeah.

I'll be right there.

Oh, thank you, Parmesan Police.

Was that so hard?

Mm! Want one?

Yeah.

They're so good.

So good.

Hey, I'm sorry I took so long.

I took care of the bill.

Really?

It's the least I can do.

You're letting me live with you, Paige.

I know it's not easy.

Um, I-I just wanna say
that you getting this job is, um--

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, baby.

You know, I've been thinking
about your white fella.

Uh, Bill. Bill.
No.

No, no, it's fine.

I am done talking about him.

No, I wanna hear
what else you have to say,

and then I'll be done.

Well, because he didn't want you
doesn't mean you're not wanted, Paige.

It means he ain't it.

Uh, Paige--

You ain't some sloppy jump off.

And you damn sure
ain't no ugly-but-hot side chick

that gives good head.

Oh, God.
Baby.

You're a main b*tch.

You hear me?

You are a main... b*tch.

There's my little girl.

Thank you.

Um--

I think that you can stay with us
for as long as you need.

But obviously,
all of the same rules still apply, right?

No, no.
- You gotta keep this job.

Don't ask you for money.
Don't get in your business.

Don't put the knife back in the jelly
after I done licked it.

- Are you doing that?
- No, it was a joke.

Is that something that you do?

That was a joke, baby.
No. Do you want your own...

- Congratulations, Grandpa. Cheers.
- ...shelf in the...

- Cheers.
- Are you contaminating...

I just said that.

- I just said that, baby girl.
- ...my jelly?

You're disgusting.

Finneas James.

You mind dropping me off at work tomorrow?

You need a ride?

To work?

If it's not too much trouble,
it'd be great.

I am a f*cking main b*tch.

Woo-hoo!