02x07 - Grape Juiced

[bunniefuu]

And now,
Grape is coming out.

A real purple mountains' majesty.

U.S.A.!

Keep your a*s in the air!

Keep smiling!
With the teeth!

Keep the ribbons flowing!
a*s in air! Give me ashtray.

Can you believe it?

Yeah! Take that!

How you like me now, Somalia?
Friggin' losers!

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Do you really want to feel him? ♪

♪ Harvey attorney ♪

♪ Habeas corpus ♪

♪ Marvey attorney ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman,
Attorney at Law ♪

Avenger, what have l told you
about marking territory and...

Oh, hi. Excuse me.

Peanut, can we get
a--a hydrant for Mister--

Beegli!

That's not mine. lt's his.

- Huh?
- Grape Ape! Grape Ape!

Peanut, a little help here.
Got a big jar of--

You're in! Good, Birdman.

Man in Fez, Man in Clogs, M''mbutu.

Here's the man who will prove
the ape is clean...

and remove this horrible blot
from the Laff-a-Lympics.

Harvey, the Laff-a-Lympics
committee.

Pleased to meet you, Mister--

My stapler seems
to have fallen in your--

lx-nay on the apler-stay. OK, eh?

This is the big time!
Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.

Can you imagine
if the games came here?

The money. lt's between
us and Papua New Guinea.

l think we have the edge.
They ate one of the delegates--

Man in Kilt, God rest his soul.

Did you know l won
the silver in '62?

Not for this, for judo.
But, hey, a sport's a sport.

Hold still. Too bad
you'll be working too hard...

to join us tonight, Birdman.

l'm setting the boys here
up with a little entertainment...

for the evening with Gigi.

She's quite
the ''talented tour guide.''

Yes, and give us ''oral sex.''

Hey!

l think you're talking about
my--our wife.

Remember, Phil?

l do!

- Gigi!
- Oral sex!

Hello, boys. Phil.

How's it hanging?

Long, loose,
and full of--Juices H...

Say hello to your new baby...

Harvey.

Freedom.

Baby? But we only got married
two weeks ago...

and besides, did we even--

Gigi! You look absolutely--

Gotta go.

Look out!

So, l'm going to be a father, l think.

You know how breeding
disgusts me.

Shrinky-dink!

Cells dividing, doubling
in number every second.

First one cell, then two.

The blastula becoming
the gastrula.

Multiplying and multiplying...

until it's grown into
an obese teenager named Cody!

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Maybe as a little gift
for the new dad...

we could cut a little deal
on this Grape Ape business.

Never! But l'm all
for throwing the shower.

We'll have tiny little sandwiches
and party games...

And-- Back off, you grotesque--

Grape Ape. Grape Ape.

Pump it! Pump it up!
Feel the burn.

Keep your a*s in the air!

Give me lighter.

l have met the unshrinkable!

Well, Roger, it's a beautiful day
for The People versus Grape Ape.

- Oh, my!
- And what an entrance.

Dramatic. Powerful.

Great way to start
his performance today.

Excuse me. l can't help
but notice your chest.

What? Oh, this.
Dad boobs.

You stick a bottle in them
so you can nurse your child.

Gigi says her breasts
weren't meant for feeding.

And now entering the courtroom,
the judge, Mentok.

He approaches the bench.

Will you look at that?
Amazing!

OK, let's get started.
Mr. Birdman.

The Laff-a-Lympiad--
staring in wonder at today's...

breathtaking
global marketing event...

it's easy to forget
its humble beginnings--

two well-oiled Greek men
wrestling each other naked...

just for their own pleasure.

No crowd,
no television audience,

No medal, no judges to say
if a maneuver was below the belt...

because they didn't have belts.

So, when some
governing body rules...

that my client
should return his medal...

simply because he's taken
a perfectly legal...

over-the-counter
herbal supplement...

l ask you: Have we forgotten
the spirit of the games?

Have we lost sight of
the one important thing--

that the U.S.A. kicks
the crap out of Angola!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Your Honor, l'd like to call--

Excuse me.

Hi, honey. Do you want
to talk to the baby?

l'm holding
the phone up to my--

l can't right now.
l'm in court.

Oh! Harry, l can't believe
you said that!

ls this the kind of support
you plan on giving us?

OK, OK. Hello, baby.

Hello there, little baby,
smookie-poo.

Oh, Harry, can you hear it?

lt's saying,
''Mommy needs more money.''

Really? l didn't hear--

- Now!
- Be right there.

OK. Time-out.
Jeez. What the hell?

And we have
a 5-minute time-out.

Look out!

And we're back.

Your Honor, l'd like to call
some athletes from the games.

l train with Grape Ape a lot,
and l never saw him use steroids.

Not once. l've never even
seen a steroid.

'Roids.

Welcome to the baby shower.

Don't touch the walls, please.

Take some toilet paper
to guess how big the mother is.

- This is for guessing--
- l know what to do with it.

Potpourri, don't fail me now.

Phil, wow!
You shouldn't have.

Oops. l didn't.

Phil. Wow.
You shouldn't have.

lt's a briefcase.
You put things in it...

like diapers.

lt's great, isn't it, hon--

Honey?

Birdman, l want you to meet
your new assistant...

M''mbutu...Junior.

What happened was M''mbutu here
needed a job for his son...

and you needed
a paralegal/shaman.

Phil, what am l supposed to do
with a witch doctor's son?

You don't have to whisper, Birdman.

He doesn't understand English.

Oh, OK. Good. Wait.

Doctor, tell us--
why do people take steroids?

To get larger.

lt burns us.

And tell us--what are the common
symptoms of steroid abuse?

Excess body mass, acne,
increased breast size...

aggressive behavior,
and withered testicles.

What? What was
that last thing, Doctor?

A shrinkage of the testes.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

please note that
even though the defendant...

doesn't wear pants,
we've never seen his testicles.

Strange, considering if everything
were in proper proportion...

they would be, oh,
the size of that snack stand!

Aggressive behavior!
Aggressive behavior!

Doctor, can you tell us
the results of the urine test?

Yes, l can say without a doubt...

Oh, wow.

Not fair! Not fair!

Primitive man solving
everything with a g*n.

l will head-shrink you.

Your Honor, since Reducto's ''expert''
has fallen asleep on the job--

He is just asleep, right?

No. No, wait.
Don't tell me.

l'd like to call
my own medical expert.

l can say without a doubt...

that we are not sure
if global warming exists.

This is the Grape Ape case.

You know, steroid tests are...

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

The link between cigarettes
and cancer is inconclusive.

That one? Wait, here.
Star Wars works?

Oh, what's this?
Oh, your invoice.

Here we go. Steroids tests
are unreliable--

Oh, God! My leg! Oh, my leg!

He's our witness, Junior.

Friendly.
No--No stabby-stabby.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

This is what we've been waiting for.

And the first one: Guilty.

Guilty, guilty, guilty--
Can you believe this?

- Guilty. Another guilty. Guilty.
- Why couldn't you keep your a*s--

l never dreamed...

Guilty. Not guilty.

- Oh, mon dieu/
- Can you believe it?

Oh, please.
Who listens to the French? Guilty.

Oh, l have the results of the test.

The father of Gigi's baby is...

- Grape Ape!
- Huh?

Wait, don't you need a blood test
to tell who the daddy is--

Thank you.

lt also says that the games
go to... lt's Dallas!

Cannibals!

Hello, everyone.

l'm Grape Ape,
and we're Natural Hi.

Hi!

Hold on.

And we're here to perform a song
called ''Decisions.''

You know, l made
a decision awhile back...

to take steroids.

Alleged decision.
That is under appeal.

That's right, Birdman.

And sure, l got a pro career
and riches and fame...

but there was a dark side, too,
and l can tell you--

But maybe l should
just sing it instead.

Harvey.

Hit it, Grape.

♪ l took 'roids
to make me strong ♪

♪ But don't you know
that 'roids are wrong? ♪

♪ But it gave me my career ♪

♪ lt could give a girl a beard ♪

♪ What would l do
without my Benz? ♪

♪ You could do homework
or hang out with friends ♪

♪ That's right,
'roids are wrong ♪

♪ And so concludes
my court-ordered song ♪

We're Natural Hi. Bye.

That was 15 minutes, right?
Let's get the hell out of here.