02x11 - Guitar Control

[bunniefuu]

Freeze!

Put your hands where l can see them!

Do it!

Care to tell me what this is?

You have the right to remain silent.

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Do you really want to feel him? ♪

♪ Harvey attorney ♪

♪ Habeas corpus ♪

♪ Marvey attorney ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman,
Attorney at Law ♪

Debbie?
Send in the next appointment.

Hi, Señor Birdman?

Avenger, it worked!

- Thank you.
- The phone book ad.

Who habla espanol?
We do!

- No, l--
- N.S., got it.

You come here,
all teeming masses...

try to make a living,
support the family...

and then
Johnny Law swoops in.

Roger.

No, it is my friend,
Quick Draw.

They arrested him.

Well, what was your friend doing?

- Arresting someone.
- A-ha.

Hmm, arrested
for arresting someone.

l don't see that one in here.

No, no, no. He was charged with
carrying a concealed weapon.

l see. Sawed-off shotgun, Tek-9?

A 6-string classical Spanish guitar.

Ouch! He's looking
at some hard time, amigo.

l'll take the case!

We'll have your bronco
outta here in no time.

Mr. Draw, l'm Harvey Bir--

Right of the people
to keep and bear arms...

Mr. Birdman,
shall not be infringed.

Ooh, wait! Don't tell me!
l've heard that somewhere.

- Second Amendment.
- Right! Moses.

Every day, the government
issues a new restriction...

chipping, chipping away
at a right guaranteed...

by the Constitution.

lt's a slippery slope, Mr. Birdman...

leading us inevitably
toward chaos and anarchy.

Excuse me, is that a g*n?

Yes.

They don't mind you having
that in there with you?

Hasn't been a problem.

Harvey, get in here!

Guess who's running for president?

Yup, it was the guys from
the guitar lobby's idea.

They gave my campaign $1 2 billion.

Now l don't have to pander...

to any other large, powerful
lobbying group to win.

Phil, a Pat Robertson
is here to see you.

l'll meet him in the champagne room.

Birdman, l need you to notarize this.

- Sure, what is it?
- Nothing special.

Some dental records,
a pay stub or two.

Oh, and don't forget that one.

Congressional Medal of Honor?

When l die, l'll go to heaven,
'cause l've spent my time in hell.

Grenada, '83.

Well, me and the boys are off
to the guitar range to talk strategy.

Watch out, that's a loaded--

Ah, yeah, thank you.

l--l've been playing around
with that one. l kinda like it, too.

All righty, then, let's get started.
Mr. Birdman.

Our founding fathers...

guaranteed us certain protections.

The freedom of speech,
freedom of religion...

the freedom to own and play
stringed instruments of all kinds.

Those founding fathers
didn't place restrictions...

on these freedoms.
They didn't say...

''The right to play guitar
shall not be violated...

''except when used to play
Green Day's Time of Your Life...

''over and over again in
the common area of your dorm.''

No! Where will
these restrictions end?

A background check when
you want to take up the banjo?

A five-day waiting period
to buy a Telecaster?

An all-out ban on the Flying V?
Or dare l say, whammy bar?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

it is up to you to defend
our right to keep and bear guitars.

Yes, our founding fathers
were certainly comfortable...

with the idea of the lute
or the fiddle...

but how could they have
foreseen the fretless bass?

No, there was absolutely no way
for them to imagine...

a time when men
would walk the streets...

brandishing Edgar Winter's
special edition...

portable keyboards
with standard midi interface.

Don't look at me!

And while the good people of
the National Guitar Association...

might like you to think otherwise...

do you really think
we'd all be safer...

if everyone were walking around
with a Sunburst Rickenbacker...

in their pocket?
You asked for it!

Your Honor, l'd like to call--

Oop, sorry, my bad. l did--

l forgot, l have to do a magic show
for my nephew in five...

and l'm going to need an assistant.

Harvey, let's go.

Ow.

- Make a rabbit disappear.
- Do a trick!

Nope. Got something
much better.

You! You're going to die in 23 years
of a coronary embolism.

You, you're going to live
in Tuscany with your mother...

and your boyfriend!

You, telemarketer.
You, light FM radio DJ.

You, you will raise poodles...

and not the big kind
that win prizes.

No, the annoying little kind
that go bap-bap-bap.

Get your stinking paws off me,
you damn dirty kids!

Mr. Quick Draw, tell me...

what do you do?

l'm a sheriff.
A cowboy sheriff.

On a steel horse you ride.

Tell me, when you were arrested
for carrying a concealed weapon...

what was it you were doing?

Trying to apprehend a suspect.

The Dalton g*ng.

Wanted for card-cheatin,'
cattle-rustlin'...

and...running
a crystal meth lab?

That's right.

And this Dalton g*ng,
were they carrying weapons?

Yes, they were. r*fles.

While you, a sheriff, are issued--

Just this!

So, you were carrying this!

This weapon here simply
because you felt under-armed...

in the line of duty,
is that correct?

Yes, yes, it is.

Nothing further.

Sheriff McGraw,
who's paying for your defense?

l'm not sure what you mean.

Lawyers cost money.

This all costs money.

Who's paying for it?

Don't push me, Mr. Reducto.

Or what? You'll pull out
another concealed instrument?

Objection!

Overruled!

You were saying...

- l don't know.
- l do.

lt's them! Those men!
They're paying for your defense.

Ladies and gentlemen,
since the guitar lobby...

is paying for this proceeding,
l suggest we all sit back, relax...

and wait for
the inevitable verdict.

Not guilty!

l mean, court's adjourned!

♪ Oh, l've seen
almost half of America ♪

♪ And everywhere l look ♪

♪ l'm proud to see
what l can see ♪

♪ Well, Americans
now have you seen? ♪

♪ Just take a look ♪

l'm Phil Ken Sebben.

You may not know me,
but l have $1 2 billion here...

that says you'll vote for me regardless.

Phil Ken Sebben...

Strength, Leadership, Vision.

Oh, almost forgot.

l've taken every drug known to man,
and not just orally.

Just gettin' that out there.

Paid For by the People that gave
Phil Ken Sebben $1 2 billion.

Look out!

Wow! l really like your house, Baba.
lt's neat!

Hey, what's that?

Oh, that's Quick Draw's
guitar collection.

We are not supposed to touch it.

- Why not?
- Well...

Uh-huh, got it.
Judge, a special request.

My client would like to make
his own closing statements.

Go ahead!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

l respectfully ask you...

what's the first thing a dictator
does upon seizing power?

Wait, wait! l know!
Put on a silly military uniform?

Stalin! Mussolini!
Mao Tse-Tung!

Every one of these despots...

their first act was to outlaw
and confiscate private weapons.

Why? So they can have
absolute power...

and roll over the citizenry...

without so much as one finger
lifted against them.

And that is why
l will never give this up.

You're gonna have to pry
this guitar, dammit...

pry it from my cold, dead hoof.

Shake hand, kiss baby.
Shake hand, kiss baby.

Shake hand, kiss hand,
shake baby.

Shake baby, kiss hand,
shake baby.

Shake baby, kiss hand.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We find the defendant... not guilty.

Run! Guitar!

Gosh, how does it work?

Baba Louie?

Baba Louie?

Wake up!
Wake up, little friend!

You're not gonna need this wallet.

Well, we won the case.

l lost the election!

Turns out you can't fool
some of the people any of the time.

Either that or it was
the Constitutional amendment...

to decriminalize sloppy blow--

Mr. Birdman, for all
that you did in defending...

not just my rights,
but the rights of all Americans...

to keep and bear guitars...

l present you with this gift.

l'm honored.

lt's a repeating guitbox made in 1870...

used in the American West.

Out there, guitars like this
didn't enforce the law...

they were the law.

l didn't write that.
lt was on some as*h*le's website.

l wish l'd written it.

lt's a good line.

They were the law!

They were the law!

Out there...

they didn't enforce the law...

they...were...the law!

Oh, God, that's good.

Hey, look! Real g*n.
Can l see that?