03x09 - Return of Birdgirl

[bunniefuu]

I came as fast as I could!

We have a case!

A case!

But it's...


Can't it wait?

I guess.

Maybe a couple hours.

Good, because I really
need my slee--

All right, fellas.

Let's take it out to the
breakfast nook.

These would be the clients.

Good to see you again, mr.
Bergman.

"How to please a...

Man..."

Uh, I'm famished!

Who wants grub?!

♪ Ha, uh!

Who is the man in the suit?

Who is the cat with the beak?

Harvey birdman,
attorney at law ♪

For 20 years, race and dr.
Quest...

Ham in yours, harvey?

No cream.

Just black.

Not a problem!

Have worked together,
been roommates...

And raised two boys together.

Two boys?

I thought we had just the one.

You know, goes by the name of...

Wait. Don't tell me.

Anyway, maine, where quest
labs is incorporated, has just

Legalized, uh, unique
partnerships such as theirs.

We're an s-corp.

[Sizzling]
order up!

But, for the state to
recognize race as the boys'

Father should, heaven forbid,
anything happen to dr. Quest

Or allow race to be
covered under the doctor's

Insurance...

They need to get married!

Just as a matter of
convenience, mr.

Bergdorf.

With benefits!

But aren't you also saying
that you and mr. Bannon are...

How to put this--
a couple?

Of course we're a couple!

A couple...

Of guys!

Ha ha ha!

I'm not sure I see the
problem.

People are calling for a
constitutional ban on these

Partnerships.

We've got to do something now!

["Charge" played by pots]
to the birdlair!

Birdlair?

What did you do to my car?!

Now it's the birdmobile!

Get in!

I've told you, that's recirc.

Is there a gas station
nearby?

Nope.

[Thunder]
♪ look out! ♪

Birdman, have you--oh.

Hello, birdgirl.

Hi, daddy.

I mean, mr. Sebben.

Quick question: what's the
point of being your boss' boss

If I can't force you to go out
with me?

Oh, no!

He's going to ask me out again!

If I continue to spurn his
advances, he may guess at my

Secret identity, and
according to my superhero

Sidekick handbook...

A secret identity must be
maintained at all costs,

Which puts me in a predicament,
because irony of ironies, I am

His daughter!

You thinking what I'm
thinking?

Oh, I have a pretty
good idea of what she's thinking

Right here.

A movie!

Sounds great.

Let's go!

♪ Look out ♪
oh, god!

Did you see that?

It leapt right out at us!

You know, I used to take my
daughter to movies like this and

When she got scared, I'd put my
arm around her, like this.

I need some popcorn!

Don't forget the licorice
whips!

Ha ha ha.

Whi--actually, make that
raisinettes.

♪ Look out! ♪
Look, harvey, we both know

That I am all wise and all
powerful because I'm mentok

The mind--i don't need to go
into it.

We both know the drill.

But listen, technically,
legally, there are people more

Powerful than me.

Oh, sure, they can't do this:
but they can rule on your case

Whereas i, I cannot.

It's a constitutional issue,
it's not a...

[Imitates eerie sound]
issue at all.

Hey, look!

He's doing a flip!

So I have to take the case?

To a higher court!

Whoops!

Highest court, highest court.

This is every lawyer's dream!

The big leagues!

Oh, god.

Birdman's drownin'!

Birdman's drownin'!

All right, what do I do?

What do I do?

Uh!

What are you--
one one thousand,

Two one thousand.

Oof. Oof.

I was not drowning!

How many fingers am I holding
up?

Look, I was just trying to
collect myself.

Uh-huh.

See, I have this case, and it
has to go to...

The highest court.

Shh, shh.

Birdman.

Shh--
shh-entcha.

Shh.

But I don't know
what I'm doing!

Nonsense.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now listen very closely to
what I'm about to say to you.

Oh, ok.

Promise that you are going to
listen to these words with all

Your heart.

Ok.

Do you have, inside you,
here...

Yes?

Deep, deep inside you, do you
have the one true thing that

You need in life that will
guide you through it all--

Yes?

Do you have that one thing...

What thing?

Tell me.

What is it?

It is that thing that I sent
to you?

You're out of talc!

♪ Look out! ♪
Mr. Birdman, in every state

♪ Look out! ♪
Mr. Birdman, in every state

That held a referendum,
the majority voted

For a constitutional ban
on same sex unions.

Um...uh...

"Your honors, if the majority
always dictated the law, we'd be

In a dangerous place.

Kapow.

If not for the courts, african
americans wouldn't have the

Right to vote.

Wham!

Women would not have the right
to vote.

Bam!

Thank you, ma'am."

Justice league!

Justice league, we need your
help!

I'm sorry.

This is the justices league.

Aah! Giant white ape!

Moron.

[High-pitched tone]
♪ look out! ♪

Well, I have to say I think
I did pretty well up there

Today.

A little nervous maybe...

[Peter gabriel's "in your eyes"
playing]

Birdgirl, what do you say?

Will you go on another date with
me?

Say yes!

Say yes!

Why don't you take him out
on a date?

I can't say no with all those
people watching.

They'd grow suspicious, discover
my secret!

Ok! I'll...

Go out with you again.

Great!

How about another date that
requires the use of two working

Eyes?

♪ Look out! ♪
I'll show you how to

Birdcall!

[Excited gibberish]
there!

I don't see anythi--
not there!

There!

Nope.

Right there!

A pair of northern spotted
grouseacockateilakeets!

You know, they mate for life.

[Birdgirl gags]
what?

Oh, I know!

Old-fashioned girl.

Not sure of my intentions.

I assure you...

They're honorable.

Great!

From your reaction, it's
almost like I've given it to

Somebody who's very closely
related to me, like a niece

Or something.

Or a daughter!

Now that's just sick.

God, that came out of nowhere.

Took a beautiful moment and
turned it into just porno.

[Deadpan]
I love it.

It's great.

Meanwhile, at the hall of
justices...

Your honors, if I may.

Who are you?

Just a normal citizen about
to enter into the institution of

Marriage.

And i, for one, don't want
natural, normal marriages like

The one I'm about to enjoy with
this woman here--totally

Natural and right in the eyes of
both the laws of nature and of

Men--to be denigrated by this
base and abject perversion!

[Alarm]
junior league!

Junior league!

We need your help with a potluck
dinner!

Moron.

[High-pitched tone]
♪ look out! ♪

I have to find a way to
convince daddy not to marry me.

But how?

I know!

If men can marry men and
women marry women, where will it

Stop?

Daddy?

Judy, daughter,
I haven't seen you in ages

That I know about.

What's up?

This girl you're going to
marry, there's

Something you should know.

You're jealous, aren't you?

That's what this is all about!

You don't want to compete with
someone else, someone who's

Totally someone other than you
in every way, an entity that is

Other than yourself, who is not
you, but someone else, not

Sharing my bloodline for my
affection!

Sigh.

All right, daddy, I didn't want
to have to say this.

But birdgirl's not interested in
you.

She's interested in birdman.

What? How do you know?

Who told you?

Who told me?

Who told me?!

Yeah.

That's something you couldn't
have known yourself because

You're not birdgirl.

So who told you?

But I am birdgirl!

Um...birdman?

Hiya, phil!

Hit, uppercut, uppercut.

Jab, jab.

Was he drowning again?

In conclusion, wherever these
unions are legal, normal

Marriages aren't threatened.

And--
[alarm]

Justices league!

Justices league!

Someone has made an appeal to
the doctrine of precedent in

Favor of--ahh!

Giant ape!

We're on our way!

But wait.

About my case.

As much as it pains me to say
so, it's not a constitutional

Issue.

[r*fle is armed]
I won, I think.

♪ Look out! ♪
Anyone who knows why these

Two should not enter into this
union, speak now.

Ok, just a second.

Am I the only one who sees that
she's his...

Uh, I'm--i'm good!

[Organ playing]
i--i have something to say!

No! Don't!

If birdman tells them why I
can't marry daddy, he'll expose

My secret identity!

Don't listen to him!

He's just jealous!

He wants to marry my daughter!

Wait.

I'm sorry!

Freudian slip.

He just wants to marry my
fiancee!

Phil, birdgirl is your
daughter!

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

I'm so disgusted!

I can't believe it!

That I'm your daughter?

No. That birdman would lie
like that out of jealousy!

Let's pick it back up, padre.

I now pronounce you--
I can't do it!

I'm, uh, I'm into girls?

So am i!

Have been all my life!

We'll have a g*y marriage!

Tell ya what, I'll be the guy in
the relationship.

I now pronounce you...

We have to do something,
race, or that man there--i

Forget his name--is going to
marry his daughter.

I now pronounce you--
you can't ruin what's right,

You sodomite!

Hold on.

I'm sorry.

There's someone,
someone else I may have been

Meant to be with...

Phew!

Wait.

Aunt phyllis?