01x03 - Ed

[bunniefuu]

Foreign

There's a new panda at the zoo how's

That job I can never explain to anybody

Get my email think those are fake yes

May I speak to the person in charge of

Long distance calling

This is frank hi

Hey bad time pretty good time what's up

I I don't know I'm feeling weird see

When she says something like that I just

Want to slam the phone down easy chief

It's gonna be two three hours of kleenex

And haagen-dazs just buy her some shoes

No time tell her she sounds thinner tap

Dance you know how to tap dance

I'm feeling weird too I had some raunchy

Bacon that's been sitting in my fridge

Ever since wham broke up

Frank am I going with you to japan or

Not

I'll make some coffee we need backup

[Music]

Heading downstairs

[Music]

Look I'm trying to do 15 things at once

I really can't talk about it now I

Thought this was a good time

Well it will be hold on a sec

Hello hey hey frankie so you're so

Serious about this japan thing just a

Sec

Sweetie how about tonight my place you

Can come help me pack frank I don't want

To help you pack you're right what was I

Thinking we'll get a big bottle of wine

Romantic evening a nice goodbye to shea

Frank oh

You found a sublet

[Music]

[Music]

Passport expired

Only one way to deal with the shame

Frank hang on

What's the fastest way to renew a

Passport wow you really are serious I've

Been serious the whole time could we

Maybe grab a cup of coffee just a sec

Sorry had to sign for a package

Damn jim's dog what

Nothing I uh

Uh don't forget your shots who do you

Think makes asian flu

Asians

Frank hey

Can I please please see you tonight and

Make it better I will make it better not

If I k*ll you first

You ain't the k*lling kind girl probably

Not

Don't sell your car yet I want to take

One more drive to the point

I'll never get it done

In the creepy crawly night time when

Your pillow turns to flame there's a

Shaky shadow figure comes a call in mr

Shane

[Music]

Hi

Boys and girls I'm so glad you've come

To visit me even though you should be

Cleaning up your room scoring points

With your mom and dad but that's okay

They're just about impossible to please

So you know what we say

That's right hey let's twist somebody in

The audience

I have a seat

And what's your name son frank a little

Dicky bird told me you got big plans

Frank I'm going to japan a little spying

Probing dickie bird that watches your

Every move

Sorry what were you saying

I'm going to japan in three days oh are

Your bags packed

Not yet did you quit your job

Still a few things left to wrap up a few

Please yeah well you

Even feed

[Music]

Oh man I hope your tickets dipped in

Chocolate frank cause you're gonna eat

It and then how will you feel

Stupid I'm sorry I can't hear you

[Applause]

Big ba*ls thing frank the boy who cried

Japan the boy who hasn't checked

Anything off the list yet

[Music]

I'll never get it done

Get what done

Quinn I'm gonna have to call you back

Love you

Eddie there's too much to do here I'm

Freaking out can you meet me I'm on my

Way

I don't care what you think

This is my show

I'm working on it

In a good way right

[Music]

Hey cheap shot

Okay everybody we can take a break now

I don't drink tea might be a good time

To start I have a hot chocolate what are

You five years old just give me a

Caffeine suppository two double lattes a

Little whipped cream for junior you two

Guys sound alike

Yeah we got that a lot you want to grab

The booth I love the booth I know you

Love it I'm saying go grab it

Youtube brothers or something nah we've

Just known each other a long time

Frank and ed they were childhood friends

They grew up together they fought in the

Great w*r the great w*r about what to

Watch on tv pick the curtains you're

Gonna take the box ah we've already seen

This and now as they start to say

Goodbye hey nobody's throwing in the

Towel just yet

Look at this I have three days how am I

Gonna get this done do you know anyone

Anyone who needs a sublet can I say

Something

You don't have to do this picking up

You're moving to japan it's such a look

At me piss off mommy kind of I'm sorry

Can I go again

You're in a slump stick it out stay

Where you are and if you have to be

Miserable be miserable that's part of

Being a man I got a better one

This morning when he first told me about

Japan and porter getting you this

Teaching job do you remember what I said

You have the beast by the tail

No good because what I meant to say is

You don't have to leave things get

Better all on their own tonight we're

Gonna go out we're gonna get fall down

Ugly drunk and then you're gonna blow

Off work tomorrow get a massage you know

Then get laid you're gonna feel like a

New man and then

You won't have to move go double latte

And a large sake

Makes the mind prayful

I'm still gonna go

What

New beamer

Big screamer I'm going to japan

So look

You gotta help me with the battle plan

This is a mess gee eddie thanks I'm

Sorry I'm talking like a professional

Consultant and when I see this I'm

Saying to the client push the launch

Back to three weeks it's not an option

Why not I have this much momentum if I

Stop or think too hard it's over then

Maybe it's over no I'm going I'm going

Now this might be the worst move I've

Ever made but right now it feels like I

Found something big

And you should do it alone I can't do it

Alone because this is really just one of

Those wind dancer soul journey things

The soul journey happens way over here

When I get to japan in the meantime I

Will kiss a*s and I will grovel and I

Will be a total [ __ ] if that's what it

Takes to get there I don't like the

Sound of that you know my mother you

Want the dream earn the dream you're

Gonna get to japan and have no underwear

[Applause]

[Music]

Take a week make a plan I don't have the

Time then I don't think you're gonna get

There

Watching

Comedy zipper I want it really big just

The words sublet available make them

Really big for two days I'll pay extra

Is it possible I wish the guys were here

You listen to max you listen to porter

I'll listen to you I'm on hold you're on

The rebound it's so obvious what from

Chloe no laura frank I'm talking about

The business most people I know have had

Terrible experiences with video dating

Answering personals because they're

Never objective they can't choose for

Themselves they need something like

Matchmaker 2.0 state-of-the-art

Compatibility software or we'll help you

Find the right guy and love depot can be

Your full-service dating shop we'll take

You from your first kiss to the altar

Special events discounts contests

Great idea if it works there's no way

You'd be leaving ah I'm not buying that

You'd have pots of cash chloe would be

All over you you'd have the big win

[Music]

Apartment better luck next time

What a shoulda I'm not playing that game

You still blame me for the whole thing

And then what happened he he called me a

Shallow [ __ ]

And how did you respond I threw my

Coffee in his face

Who interviewed ken

I did

Did you have him sign a liability

Release

You're just pair

I don't blame you then you're an idiot I

Would blame me I don't care ed I don't

Want to replay the greatest hits I'm

Just trying to stay open to something

Very new right now

sh**t I'm getting beeped

Hello

Hello

I lost everybody

You stay real open frank how do you make

Sure to tell me when the sky spits out

Some babe who needs a sublet and doing

Something half-assed and irresponsible

Does not make you deep

Sorry to be the one to tell you

Hi I'm frank and this is my half-assed

And irresponsible tape series let's

Listen to a few success stories

I live rent free with my parents

Assistant manager still ends with

Manager

Condoms then the feeling who needs them

Right kids yeah

[Music]

Am I making the biggest mistake of my

Life tea leaves are there to be read ah

We got double lattes lack of leaves

Means cloudy future can I read the foam

Send warrior go get a scone now

What do we owe you 7.75 worth every

Penny yeah for the college fund of

Course

I don't mean to pry but could I ask yes

Curls are real

No does your uh friend really have a

Sublet because I'm sort of looking right

Now

In your face smartass

[Music]

Follow me

I can't believe there's a muzak version

Of iron man frank somebody wants to talk

To you

Hi I was curious about the sublet just

Curious sweaty and desperate be better

I am desperate you're gonna have to take

A rain check on the sweat you mean a

Sweat check

Yes frank light all the angst half the

Fun none of the sex frank may be gone

But you can always date frank light

Still the best offer I've had in weeks

Hahaha

[Music]

I can show you the place right now

Oh I don't get my break for another hour

How about tonight

Oh I'm supposed to be somewhere

She just kept making that noise man

Look this is a one in a million pad you

Don't see it now it's going to be gone

By tonight

Let me talk to my manager

Hey what are friends for

It go on save yourself

Come on you gotta help me close the deal

Let's go

Like I really meant it right hey I'm

Gonna get her out here buddy

Pick me up you rock b*stard put me on

Your back and get me out of here

Wow!

Hot and cold running water.

Real hinges on the door.

What about the neighbors?

Oh, lovable skinheads.

Lots of bonfires.

Mmm...fire drills.

Tsk! You guys! Hee hee hee!

Hey, you wanna see some closet space?

This way.

♪ 5 Little graduates lookin' for a score ♪

♪ One did the daddy thing, then there were 4 ♪

♪ 4 Little hombres on a wild spree ♪

♪ One made some money, then there were 3 ♪

I've been hearing things about new zealand.

Those are called voices in your head.

No. The whole country has taken off.

Hog-farming is goin' through the roof.

♪ 3 Little vagabonds hangin' by a thread ♪

♪ One had a crazy plan, then there was ♪♪

♪ Fred ♪

♪ You get 2-for-one ♪

♪ They're fred ♪

♪ Makin' lots of changes ♪

♪ Fred ♪

♪ Gettin' pulled apart now ♪

♪ Fred ♪

♪ Boy, are they terrific ♪

♪ Going pan-pacific ♪

♪ Fre-e-e-d ♪

She wants it.

She's gonna do it.

I'm gonna give her the keys on friday night.

Woman: then there was one.

Unbelievable.

Oh, thanks. You are a life-saver.

Don't mention it.

Oh. Heh.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

You did?

Well, sure I can meet you in 15 minutes.

Absolutely.

Someone wants to buy my car.

Wow.

You see? It works.

You didn't believe me,

But if it's the right choice and you stay open,

Everything just falls into--

I'm sorry. I shouldn't rub your nose in it.

Hey, it's fine. Good for you.

You gonna help me sell the car?

Sure.

Ed?

What's up?

Nothin'. I'm cool.

Clear!

Frank: you gonna get up or what?

The b*stards got eddie!

Ok, look, you have your special moment in the chair.

I got places to be.

Right behind you, frank.

It's workin' out.

He only cries at night.

What are you doing?

I just can't believe this.

Why are you crashing?

I call you. I need a sublet,

[Snaps fingers] I get a sublet.

You are the miracle man. I owe you, ed.

How do I repay you? What can I do for you right now?

There's nothing.

Come on. There's gotta be.

Just tell me one thing:

Should i-- oh, this is stupid!

Should I be doing this, too?

[Gong]

Have you seen my shoes?

These people, they make you take your shoes off,

But they don't have any system

For checking them or keepin' track.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're-- you're having a moment.

Sorry.

I can't tell you that.

I mean, that's not my decision to make.

Oh, come on. Don't give me that smug zen crap.

You think I'm a loser, don't ya?

Announcer:

Battles...

Hey, frank-- frank-squared!

Lemme help! Come on, I can help.

I'm a superhero, just like--

[Gong]

Come on, ed. You're a great friend.

You're way too intense, sometimes a pain in the a*s,

And maybe we hold each other back,

But you're the miracle man.

Nothin' changes that.

Go sell your car.

I'm on it.

So...

How does it feel to break up with a guy?

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!