01x06 - Sell Your Stuff

[bunniefuu]

[Typing]

N-no. N-no. N-no.

N-no. N-no. N-no...

Ohh! Whoa!

Ooh!

♪ He's dapper, he's lovable ♪

♪ He doesn't like his life ♪

♪ He's frank ♪

♪ He's a lot like you ♪

♪ He's frank ♪

♪ Leaving for the orient ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Headin' down the staircase ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Gettin' out of dodge now ♪

♪ Breakin' people's hearts now ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Lovable frank ♪

♪ Lovable frank ♪

Look, this isn't any easier for me.

I don't wanna sell ya, but I'm leavin' the country.

Stuff: without us, you're a nobody.

We make you who you are.

I have to do this alone.

Everything must go.

You belong with us.

Relax, frank.

Kick back.

Is that better, frank?

Frank, it could be like our first time again.

Announcer: artist...

Sportsman...

Wine connoisseur...

Musician...

Collector of rare magazines:

These were the glory years of a young man named--

Frank, what the hell are you doing?

What?

The sign says, "everything must go."

You believe everything you read?

No, but I believe you, and you said, "total liquidation."

This is sort of a first wave.

Frank, wave it good-bye.

What I don't sell, I can pop into storage.

Storage? You got more crap than a White Tr*sh widow.

Oh, you're having second thoughts.

Not a bit.

Sell your car?

Almost.

I'm on my way to meet the guy, I bump into chloe,

The whole day takes a big left turn.

Did you ever use these?

No.

Impulse buy?

I always figured one day I'd end up at a bar full of manly men

And I'd need to know what a lug nut is.

Frank, you need to make a choice:

Are you gonna hedge your bets,

Or are you gonna take the plunge?

Frank-san, we are more than pleased to meet our honorable new teacher,

But we had hoped you'd bring more than your pointer.

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee!

You the guy sellin' the car?

I'm sorry?

The car on the street there. I saw your sign.

[Thinking] oh, no, not my car.

Drive-off fees are 22.50,

48 Monthly payments at 422...

You just sign here, and...

Here.

My man bounder will see to that.

What's this about a balloon payment?

It's 13,000 when the lease is up.

Which is when?

On or around thursday, the 12th,

The day before you leave for japan.

So, ready to deal?

I'm kind of in the middle of a yard sale right now.

I can handle that for you.

Where's that chloe when you need her?

You're on.

Don't sell anything.

Can I snoop?

Can I stop you?

I don't think so.

Over here.

I always wanted a beemer.

Oh, they're great. I got this one in '94 new, and I hate to sell her.

How's she runnin'?

Like honey.

Honey runs slow.

Oh...

Hot honey.

Ooh!

A 4-liter, 32-valve v8!

That'd be, uh...282 horses

At 5,800 rpm

With a 5-speed automatic transmission, am I right?

Uh...

So I offered him 5 grand, and he took it!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Then I made him throw in all his tools!

p*ssy!

p*ssy!

p*ssy!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Call me donny.

Is that your real name?

Maybe.

Everything must go, huh?

Are you in trouble?

Nah. I'm goin' to japan.

Takin' up one of them mail-order brides?

Not exactly.

I know a guy who ordered 6 right out of a magazine.

He kept 3, k*lled 2, the last one put him in a wheelchair.

What do you say we swing back now?

When's the last time you had this puppy serviced?

Um, 2 months ago.

Paperwork's all here. Checked out beautiful.

You see, you been bangin' on the differential.

You gotta ease up, not stomp the thing.

Last week you said it was over there.

It moved.

Oh.

But that's what's been pluggin' up your dispersion valve over there.

And that's why she's so sluggish?

Now you've got it.

Oh.

What's that? Looks like a swelling.

That would be your balloon payment comin' up.

Checked out beautiful, huh?

Ha! Heh heh!

Sounds like we got a loose nut behind the wheel.

Ha ha! Pull over so I can stop laughing.

I'm onto you, kid.

What you know about cars I can fit into this tape deck.

♪ Your first real car was a hand-me-down ♪

♪ Whoo wah ooh ♪

♪ You hopped right in ♪

♪ And cruised the town ♪

♪ You never changed the oil or popped the hood ♪

♪ Till the engine seized out and it stopped for good ♪

Oh, come back here.

♪ Your car is a riddle, a mystery, a toy ♪

♪ You'll never, ever be ♪

♪ The all-american boy ♪

♪ Never be the all-american boy ♪

1,350 Cash right now, what do you say?

That's a little skinny.

Ok, 2,500, and I'll take it off your hands.

Look, just because I'm on a deadline

Doesn't mean I have to take it in the hatchback.

Fine. You tell me what you want for it.

I'm gonna call you...

Stranger.

I should never play cards!

Uh, the blue book says it's worth 15 grand,

But I'll take 12 cash.

Sure, it does.

The thing about these austrian so-called luxury cars

Is if you don't know them intimately,

They'll screw you worse than a hong-kong hooker.

Your transmission is whining.

Your drive-train feels muddy,

And the cd-changer skips.

Hong kong, huh?

Hey, you know why cars are like girlfriends?

I hatehese kind of jokes.

Come on. Why are cars like girlfriends?

I don't know, donny. Because they hug the road.

Because they run over dogs.

Because if you don't know how they work, you're screwed.

♪ Well, you see a hot car, and you meet a cool bird ♪

♪ So you sign on the line ♪

♪ And you give her your word ♪

♪ But then you don't pay attention ♪

♪ And you don't wanna talk ♪

♪ You'll be bummin' in the ditch while your baby takes a walk ♪

♪ If your car is a riddle, and your girl is annoyed ♪

♪ You'll never ever be-ee-ee ♪

♪ The all-american boy ♪

♪ Never be the all-american boy ♪

♪ Never ever be the all-american boy ♪

♪ Never ever be the all-american boy ♪

'Cause when they're 15, they're nothin' but trouble.

Heh heh heh heh!

This is a waste of my time.

7,500. Take it or leave it.

To have nothing...

Is to gain everything.

I want to gain everything.

I want to be free and zen, I just don't wanna get ripped off.

I don't wanna look like the village idiot.

"Who does?"

Said the village idiot.

Well, that really helps.

8 Grand. The offer's on the table for the next...

10 Seconds.

Ok, deal.

8 Grand cash, right now.

You made a wise choice, my friend.

Let's have the registration and title and pink slip.

Where the hell am i?

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

Laura: hey, who gave you the neck massager?

Stay out of the red box.

Dome light's busted. 500 Bucks.

Here's a 20.

Take me home.

I'm a man without a car.

I've never been a man without a car.

How's it feel?

Perfect.

Unbelievably perfect.

All this crap is next.

Hey, who was denise?

Denise: will you really come see me in calcutta?

Absolutely. Ooh...

Dumpster lining, part of the old frank.

Let's get these boxes outside.

Ok.

If you get rid of us, you won't be frank.

That's the idea.

Look, you paid way too much for me in the first place.

If you sell me for 10 bucks, you are takin' a huge hit on one table.

Can you live with that?

You bet your a*s.

Fine. Eat on the floor, as*h*le.

Look, I know I don't work anymore, but that's my fault.

Don't punish them because of me!

Frank, bring me.

In-flight magazines don't have...these.

Everybody out!

Cheers.

Uh, you seen my tools?

♪ Red, red, yellow, green, blue ♪

♪ Red, red, yellow, green, blue ♪

Never gonna happen, man.

Now get out there and sell.

You wanna keep that tape of laura?

Might be a good idea.

I been lookin' through your window at this lamp for 2 years.

Jesus, he's a stalker!

10 Bucks.

Frank, he's gonna rip my shade!

All I got is 6, but I can get the rest.

Sold.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

I love it when they're used.

This is the set I used

To achieve grand master status.

It's missin' a horsey.

That's cassiopeia...

And that's barbara in 4-a.

I wanna be an astronomer.

Frank, what is this?

This is the right horn for you, dude.

It's gonna teach you a thing or 2 about the world.

That's good, frank. That's really good.

You gotta be free when you play.

[Plays for he's a jolly good fellow off-key]

So, frank, how's that saxophone?

Wow!

How much?

200 Bucks.

Uh, I'll give you 30.

Sold.

The big-ticket items are moving fast.

And, look, mad money.

I'm free.

I've never felt so-- so light.

Good, little one.

You have learned your first lesson.

Yeah, it was a b*tch, but-- say, what's all that stuff?

Relaxation is part of the discipline.

Yeah, but you said--

Zen warrior is fond of k-mart.

[Chuckling]

Oh...

Are you really gonna sell this?

Why not?

Think why not.

Oh, right.

You've always made a lousy liar.

Try again.

♪ Magical weekend ♪

You take one relationship in the very early stages

Add a sleepy town...

By the beach...

Or the snow...

And at least one overpriced gift shop...

And voilá!

♪ Hey, you'll see a dear ♪

♪ Get real sincere ♪

♪ Get the smart shirt, disappear ♪

♪ What the heck? ♪

♪ You'll have a souvenir ♪

♪ Of your magical weekend ♪

Thanks for the otter.

Frank, this weekend was wonderful.

Yeah.

I wish we didn't have to go back.

Maybe we could just stay, open our own gift shop.

Think those places make any money?

Frank, could you just please be here now?

I'm here.

Look, you know, I'm not that romantic to begin with,

But i--

Ok...

See, sunset, beach, girlfriend.

Ah...

You just don't get it, do you?

You're right, laura. I don't.

We're havin' a really nice time,

I ask you a simple question, and you blow up.

You know, maybe-- maybe we should just cool things off a bit.

You're breaking up with me?

Here? Now?

It's just--you know, I've been thinkin'--

Oh, no, you don't.

You're doing the first-strike break-up.

What?

Yeah.

You get me to pick a fight,

And then you use that as the whole ball of wax excuse to break up,

And guess what, frank? You lose.

Laura, wait!

Then we went back to the motel and had stunt sex.

Yeah, but we broke up the next day.

Hey, look, you keep the otter.

It makes a lousy soap dish,

Just like I made a lousy boyfriend.

You made a great boyfriend, just not a real one.

How much for the ashtray?

Oh, crap. 2.50.

Thanks.

Hey, that was nothin'.

Just try tellin' gwen where all the stuff went.

I'm fine. It's just a box of stuff.

I'll think of something.

Hey, you!

Look at this.

All the stuff of a relationship

Without actually having the relationship.

Do you realize what a time-saver that is?

I got a proposition.

What kind?

Everything here...

800 Bucks.

Uh...

What's the matter?

I'll take good care of it.

Ohh!

You boys wanna cruise for chicks?

The most dangerous game.

I do my best work in the basement.

Remember, don't let them see your face.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, the guy wants to give me 800 bucks for everything.

The car guy?

Yeah.

Take it.

Really?

Why not?

The guy gives me the willies.

What do you care? It's 800 bucks.

800 Bucks for my life?

Our next item is frank's adolescence,

A bit tortured, a bit awkward,

But certainly full of fun and som decent memories and keepsakes.

Let's begin with a minimum bid of $300.

$200?

Did I mention he found his father's p*rn*graphy at 13?

Ah...$200.

Who'll be 210?

You're almost home, frank. Don't blow it now.

Are you goin' for good, no matter what?

I...

It really is a land of enchantment.

[Rumbling]

Frank, do it.

Why?

I don't know,

But I'm getting a real vicarious rush.

I gotta go. I'll call you later.

Yeah.

Don't go shopping.

You were the one guy in our clss that I could call friend.

p*ssy!

p*ssy!

p*ssy!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

To my steady, love ya! Thanks for 2 great years.

Wink-wink.

Sorry about the rash.

What you hold too tightly

Will slip between your fingers.

What did mommy say?

You've got a deal.

Ah...love and life.

Uh, by the way, who's denise?

You want cliff notes, they cost extra.

Ha ha ha! You and me should hit vegas.

Oh, yeah. As soon as I get back.

Get this crap outta here.

Heh heh heh!

Hey, frank!

[Muffled] let's get new stuff.

I'm all gone...

A blank slate.

I gotta see this.

I could be blond, chiseled features,

Brand-new eyebrows,

Or one of those pierced, super cool scowling types.