Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Updated version~


[♪ Marvel Studios fanfare playing]

[Deadpool scatting along]

♪ Ta ta ta ta ta ta ♪

♪ Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ♪

♪ Tan tan ta ♪

♪ Tan tan tan tan ♪

♪ Tan tan ta tan ♪

- ♪ Tan tan tan tan! ♪
- [♪ fanfare concludes]

Deadpool: [laughs] That logo music just gets you pumped.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- Right?

I'm sorry. I just, I'm excited to be here.
It's been a while.

You know, for a long time,

I wasn't sure I'd ever be back.

Disney bought Fox, there was a whole boring rights issue, blabbity-blabbity-blah.

But then, it turned out, they wanted me.

The one guy who shouldn't even have his own movie, much less a franchise.

[laughs] Marvel's so stupid.

Look, we know the title of this thing.

So, I know what you're wondering.

How are we gonna do this without dishonoring Logan's memory?

And I'll tell you how.

We're not.

[♪ romantic music plays, The Platters "Only You"]

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Wolverine is not dead.

Sure, it made for a perfect ending to a very sad story.

But that's not how regenerative healing factors work.

You think I wanna be out here in beautiful downtown North Dakota, digging up the one and only Wolverine? No, thank you.

But the fate of my entire world is at stake.

He may not be living his best life, but he sure as hell ain't

- dead.
- [metal clanks]

[crow cawing in distance]

Bingo.

Yahtzee.

[sighs]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Damn it!

- Son of a b*tch!
- [metal clangs]

You...

- [shovel snaps]
- [yelling]

Christ. m*therf*cker!

- My world is f*ck...
- [♪ song stops]

[laughs, snorts]
That was weird.

I'm much calmer now.

[♪ The Platter "Only You" resumes playing]

Look, I'm not a man of science.

But you seem incredibly passed away.

[flies buzzing]

[sighs]

But it's good to see ya.

I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to ride with you, Log.

You and me getting into it.

Deadpool and Wolverine just f*ck' sh*t up.

Can you imagine the fun, the chaos... the residuals?

[in Australian accent]
"G'day, mate.

"There's nothing that'll bring me back to life faster

"than a big bag of Marvel cash."

[chuckles, in normal tone]
Me too, Hugh.

But, no. No, no, no.

[groans] You had to get all noble and die for real.

g*dd*mn it!

I could really use your help right now.

[electrical whirring]

[♪ tense music playing]

Wait!

I'm warning you, I'm not alone.

TVA agent: Wade Winston Wilson, you are under arrest by the Time Variance Authority...

[Deadpool sniffs] Oof.

...for too many crimes to list.

- Come out...
- [Deadpool groans]

...and we'll extend you the courtesy

- of taking you in one piece.
- Death by day-player.

Last chance.

Throw out your weapons

- and come out peacefully.
- [Deadpool sighs]

[Deadpool] I'm not gonna give you my weapons, but I promise not to use them.

There are two hundred and six bones in the human body.

Two hundred and seven if I'm watching Gossip Girl.

[♪ pop music playing, *NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye"]

- Here we go. Maximum effort.
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

[♪ song stops]

- ♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

Okay, peanut.

Guess we're getting that team-up after all.

- ♪ Bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

[grunts]

♪ I'm doing this tonight ♪

♪ You're probably gonna start a fight ♪

[screaming]

♪ I know this can't be right ♪

♪ Hey, baby, come on ♪

♪ I loved you endlessly ♪

♪ When you weren't there for me ♪

♪ So now it's time to leave and make it alone ♪

♪ I know that I can't take no more ♪

[smooches]

[exhales]

♪ I wanna see you out that door ♪

- ♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't wanna be a fool for you ♪

♪ Just another player in your game for two ♪

♪ You may hate me, but it ain't no lie ♪

- ♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't really wanna make it tough ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you that I've had enough ♪

♪ It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie ♪

♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Just hit me with the truth ♪

♪ Now, girl, you're more than welcome to ♪

Maradona from outside the box!

Goal!

♪ Baby, come on ♪

♪ I know that I can't take no more ♪

- ♪ It ain't no lie ♪
- [both yelling]

♪ I wanna see you out that door ♪

- ♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't wanna be a fool for you ♪

♪ Just another player in your game for two ♪

♪ You may hate me, but it ain't no lie ♪

- ♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't really wanna make it tough ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you that I had enough ♪

♪ Might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie ♪

♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ I don't wanna be your fool ♪

♪ In this game for two ♪

♪ So I'm leavin' you behind ♪

Come on, big fella.

♪ Bye, bye, bye, yeah ♪

♪ I don't wanna make it tough ♪

♪ But I've had enough ♪

- ♪ And it ain't no lie ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Don't wanna be a fool for you ♪

♪ Just another player in your game for two ♪

♪ I don't wanna be your fool, but it ain't no lie ♪

- ♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't really wanna make it tough ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you that I had enough ♪

♪ Might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie ♪

- ♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪
- ♪ Bye, bye ♪

- [♪ song ends]
- [gasps dramatically]

[♪ operatic music playing]

I am soaking wet right now.

[roars]

Deadpool: To be clear, I'm not proud of any of this.

The wanton violence, the whiff of necrophilia.

It isn't who I am.

It isn't who I wanna be.

Who I wanna be?

Well, to help you understand that,

I've gotta take you back.

A little joyride I took through space and time, to the day that changed everything.

[♪ uptempo music building]

[♪ music fades out]

I can't believe I'm finally here.

I've waited for this moment for so long.

Thank you, sir, for seeing me.

I... I firmly believe that my services could be of great use to your organization.

Now, I know I was caught smashturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower,

- but I can assure you that...
-

Happy Hogan: Smashturbating?

I'm sorry, what... what was that?

Deadpool: No, I'm sorry. That...
That's when you get those toy,

Hulk hands, right?

And then you just, you look down, and you just... you brace yourself, and you ravage the midsection.

- Pinch the...

Happy; Yeah. Okay.
- I get it. Okay, thank you.

- The picture's painted.
Deadpool: You get the gist.

Happy: Uh, what exactly brings you here today?

Deadpool: Why am I... Wow. Okay. Uh...

I... I care.

I know I turn everything into a joke, but I...

I care, and I wanna use that feeling... for something important.

I... I wanna matter.

[♪ solemn music playing]

I need to show my girl that I matter.

And...

You know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here.

Is the man not gonna be joining us?

Happy: The man?
- Deadpool; Yeah.

I should save this if he's gonna...

Happy: Uh, as far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man.

- No.
- Happy: The man is me.

I am the man in this circumstance.

- Mm.
- He doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.

Dead pool : Cameos?
Happy: Meetings.

- Meetings.
Happy: Entry-level meetings.

Deadpool: Entry-level?

Aren't you the chauffeur...

- maybe?
- I...

Happy: Common misconception.

- Okay.
- I did begin my career as Mr. Stark's driver.

- Okay.
- Quickly pivoted to...

- Chauffeur.
- ...the Head of Security.

The Head of...
Deadpool: Of course, yes, yes, yes.

Happy: And why I am vetting your resume.

You seem to have left out whether or not you had any experience as a member of a team.

Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective there?

Deadpool: Oh. No, yes, of course. I was Special Forces...

- Okay.
- ...but I was...

Mainly, I was team leader... founder, really, of X-Force.

Sadly, they... they all perished in action though.

Happy: Oh. How exactly did that happen?

Deadpool; Well, the police say gravity, but if...

Just between us, they didn't test well

- in the focus group.
- I see.

Deadpool: Particularly Cable.
- X-Force.

Deadpool: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, I can see this isn't going well.

Please stop writing.
Look, I... I...

I'm just... I wanna be an Avenger.

I wanna be an Avenger.

Happy: Why do you wanna be an Avenger?

Deadpool: Look around you. I mean, they're the... they're the best of the best.

And... And what they do matters.

I need to be an Avenger.

Sir, my girl has kinda had it with my shtick, and I... if I don't, you know, turn things around and do something with my "gifts,"

I don't think it's gonna really work out for me, and I wouldn't blame her.

Happy: Avengers are a very unique group of superheroes that stand for something more than just fighting and wearing costumes.

I mean, people look up to us.
Kids look up to us.

- They...
- Deadpool: I'm sorry. "Us"?

I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.

Happy: Avengers-adjacent, technically.

Deadpool; Oh, wow.
What's your superpower?

Is it parallel parking?
I am so sorry.

That was cruel.

I lash out when I'm nervous.
Won't happen again.

- Happy: Let's cut to the chase.
- Please.

Happy; You just said moments ago that you wanted to be an Avenger because you need it.

Yes, sir, I do.

Happy; But the Avengers don't do the job because they need it.

They do the job because people need them.

Do you see the distinction?

Deadpool: Yes, sir.

Please, Mr. Hogan.

I don't wanna spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.

All right.

Oh, my God, you're standing.

Happy: Yeah, now's the time that we stand.

Damn it.

Happy: Now, the problem might be that you're reaching a little... little too high.

Aim for the middle, and you'll never miss.

Right?
I think you got a good heart.

I believe what you're saying.

But not everybody's the world-saving type.

I'm not, and I'm happy.

Right? I found my place.

Find your place.

All right? Get back out there.

- We'll keep an eye on you.
- Okay.

Good luck.

- [Wade Wilson] Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Fetch the car.
I wanna hit Shake Shack.

Rejection makes me hungy.

- No, no. Please.
- No?

- Yeah, no, no, no.
- Okay.

Okay, thank you.

[Deadpool]
You know what they say.

When one door closes, your locker at work opens.

[♪ rousing music playing]

[stapling]

Now let's go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfu...

[♪ music stops]

Technically, the... the Carnival's not a minivan.

It's an MPV.

Tammy: So how does the Kia compare to the Honda Odyssey?

Deadpool: The Odyssey?
That's a great question.

- Um, it doesn't f*cking suck.
- [boy snickers]

Tammy: You know, you can answer the question without swearing.

Deadpool: I'm sorry, Tammy, I don't... I don't have kids.

Not that I haven't dreamt of that, but I don't have a lot of vaginal sex.

[Peter] You'll get 'em next time, pal.

- [Wade] Yeah.
- [Peter] And look, you can always go back to superhero-ing.

I mean, I know I'd like to see you back in the suit.

I don't keep it in my locker so that I can wear it.

I keep it in my locker in case we need to saddle up again.

Wade: Hey, hey, hey.
What is that doing in there?

I'm done.

I'm done.

And I'm fine with being done.

Look, is sales the best match?

Probably not.

Is this the life that I always imagined for myself? f*ck no.

But this is the right fit for me, Sugar Bear, it is.

Peter: Okay, Mr. Wilson.

I'm just saying, once a month, we could go on a little mission.

We're human beings.
We crave purpose.

After all, we're Deadpool.

Deadpool: Please stop saying that.
We're not Deadpool.

I'm not even Deadpool anymore.

Peter: Well, if you're gonna have a midlife crisis, go big.

A few years ago, a friend of mine got his n*pples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.

[camera clicking]

Are... Are you feeling grumplestiltskin

'cause it's your birthday?

Wade: What?

No.

No.

- Surprise!
- [♪ hip-hop music plays]

Wade: Hey, you guys are lucky I'm not armed.

Get in here.

If this were six years ago, you'd all be dead.

Dopinder: So then, he gets out of the cab, and you will not believe it.

I turn around, and what do I find?

- AirPods. His AirPods.
Dopinder: His AirPods!

- Come on.
- Crazy story.

- Every time. Come on.
- [laughing] Every single time.

[Wade sighs]

Make any sales today?

Wade: You know I didn't.

Did you sell any dreamcatchers on Etsy

or whatever it is that you do?

Blind Al; Our rent's due in three days, Wade.

I can't keep carrying you.

Wade: Relax. I have the money.

I sold some old blood pressure medication

I found lying around.

Blind Al: You tryin' to k*ll me, m*therf*cker?

I'm not the one dousing everything in salt,

- m*therf*cker.
- Blind Al: I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have

- the nuts to do.
Wade: That's hurtful.

If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am.

You watched anything good?

Colossus: Great British Bake Off.

Wade: Oh, g*dd*mn.

That show stood between me and suicide for 10 years.

Those are my feelings on ab*rtion, religious freedom, animal rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free-market capitalism, global climate change.

Yeah, duh-duh-duh.
No, no speaking lines, Buck.

- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade.

Negasonic: Nice fake o'clock shadow.

Wade; It's a summer balayage.
From the French.

It's meant to mimic the natural highlights of the sun.

Negasonic : It's a toupee.
Wade: It's a hair system.

Yukio; I love your hair system, Wade.

Thank you. Heh.

Blind Al: Wanna do some cocaine?

Wade: Hey, cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.

What about Bolivian marching powder?

Wade: They know all the slang terms.
They have a list.

- Even snowboarding?
Wade: Even disco dust.

White girl interrupted?

Wade: Even Forrest Bump.
- Booger sugar?

Wade: I wouldn't even try powdered gonuts.

- Do you wanna build a snowman?
Wade: Yes. But I can't.

Pull here.

- Here?
- Yeah. [gasps]

- [Yukio yelps]
- [laughter]

- [Dopinder] What happened?
- That's the fun part.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah.

; How's work?

Oh, I got a promotion.

No way.

Yeah. It's mind-numbing middle management, but I'm happy.

That's great.

Wade: You, uh, seeing anyone?
- How about you?

Vanessa: Um... Yeah.

A guy from work. Dermot.

Dermot.

He's kind.
wade: Good.

Vanessa: Likes to go hiking.

Hasn't gotten me shot yet.

Wade: Well, it's the early days.

[Vanessa chuckles]

Vanessa: What about you?
You seeing anyone?

[Wade] Mm...

No, no, I live in a one-bedroom apartment.

I share a bed with Blind Al.

- Okay.
- [laughs]

- All right.
- All right.

[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Speech! Speech!
- [Yukio] Yes!

Wade: All right.
Okay, okay, okay. Uh...

Birthdays.

Boy, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.

Blind Al: Sun, dumbass.
Wade: Okay, round-earther.

- Where was I?
- The adventure of life.

Wade: Right. Um...

It's been a challenging few years.

Haven't seen you guys in a while.

Been through a lot, uh, change of life.

- Menopause?
Wade: b*tch, are you improv-ing?

- Mm-mm.
Wade: Sorry.

[softly] I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio.

- [softly] It's okay.
- Yeah.

[sighs] But I'm happy.

You know, and that's... that's because of each and every one of you.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is how proud I am, how grateful I am to be standing in a room with every single person I love.

[♪ soft music playing]

I'm the luckiest man alive.

[chuckles]

Vanessa; Make a wish, buddy.

Wade: Ten-four, good buddy.
[chuckles]

Going down.

[knock at door]

Wade Wilson?

Wade: Oh, yeah. Dancers.

Dopinder must have ordered you.

Are those supposed to be cop costumes?

Never mind.

Take your clothes off but leave the helmets.

And this isn't Pretty Woman.

We're kissing. All right?

What song do you guys normally dance to?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Is that supposed to be scary?

Pegging isn't new for me, friendo.

But it is for Disney.

Ah, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta!

Okay, I've never been a natural bottom, so we're gonna take things real slow.

And I want some crazy eye contact.

Not you.
You.

Can't see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel them.

We're gonna move on down the hallway so we can spare a cleanup on aisle as*h*le.

How's everyone feel about this plan?

Tva agent: I don't like you.

Wade: Yes. Let's hold on to that attitude.

And we're gonna do it angry.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Wade moans softly]

[Wade grunts]

[Voice] Mr. Wilson... you appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.

Wade: I wasn't unconscious.
Who are you?

Paradox: I go by the name of Paradox.

Mr. Paradox. And you're sitting here at the TVA.

The Time Variance Authority.

We're really a watchdog organization, except we're more lighthearted than that sounds, with a sort of throwback, ironic twist.

And we're in charge of defending what's known as the Sacred Timeline.

Wade; Holy f*ck. That is a sh*t-ton of exposition for a threequel.

Is this because I used Cable's time machine?

Brought a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it.

- That was a long time ago.
Paradox: Yes, we're aware of your abuse of your timeline.

[chuckles] And you were so a*usive of it.

Uh, no, it has nothing to do with that.

Walk with me.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you're special.

In fact, you've been chosen for a higher purpose, a purpose unclear even to me.

But one that could save the entire Sacred Timeline from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future, which may very well need to be... avenged.

Wade: This Sacred Timeline,

I assume I'm going to marvel at how cinematic it feels?

Gratuitous cameos, indiscriminate use of Variants, the whole package?

Paradox: Well, you tell me.

[device beeps]

[♪ heroic music playing]

Cap!

Paradox: You are no longer lost, Wade.

You can be a hero among heroes.

We've been surveilling you for quite a while.

Wade: Subway station.
Paradox; A TVA outpost, yes.

Wade: And what is that?
- Hmm?

Is that me? Is that Thor?

Wade: Is he crying?
Paradox: Uh, let's not

- get ahead of ourselves.
- [gasps]

That happens in the distant future.

Wade: Why is Thor crying?
Quick! Tell me.

Paradox: Do not speak to her.
Stop that. Eyes on me.

I brought you here to offer you an opportunity.

The opportunity you sought years ago, but for which you were not ready.

We believe you're ready now.

Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all.

I am about to give you the thing you've always wanted.

Wade: Oh, I smell what you're steppin' in.

The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever.

I am the Messiah...

[♪ heavenly music building]

I am...

- [♪ music stops]
- ...Marvel Jesus.

Can you excuse me for just a moment?

I'm just gonna go over here.

Suck it, Fox!

I'm going to Disneyland.

[grunts] Get f*cked!

Where do I sign?

Paradox: Oh, there's no need for paperwork.

Wade: Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.

[chuckles] Oh.

There is one thing I will need, though.

[♪ rousing music playing]

[laughs] Oh, f*ck off!

Adorn me, Beardo.

- [squeaks]
- [elevator dings]

[♪ hip-hop music plays, Fergie ft. Ludacris "Glamorous"]

f*ck' A!

Uhh! It's perfect! FYI, your tailor is a predator, but I love it. Snug.

No camel toe.

New car smell and adamantium katanas?

You shouldn't have.

Go ahead. Take it in.

And yes, your underwear is getting tighter.

That guy knows what I'm talking about.

His clothes says middle management, but his eyes say f*ck-y f*ck-y.

Paradox: Yes. You look very nice.

[Deadpool] "Nice"?

Your buddy here is ready to throw it all away for me.

- You callin' your wife?
- HR.

[Deadpool] Does your wife work in HR?

[Mr. Paradox] I'm really glad you're taking this so well.

[Deadpool]
Oh, I'm taking it well.

I have never had a problem traveling for work.

That said, we should talk vacation days.

I'm more of a one-week-on- one-week-off kind of guy.

I think it's what they do in Denmark.

You know, you'll never see a Danish flag on the moon, but [chuckles] g*dd*mn it, they're happy.

Now, let's power up your little Amazon Fire phone there and zip me back home so I can let my friends know that they've been upgraded to disciples.

Paradox; Yeah. I don't think you... quite understand.

Um, you will not be returning to your home because there will be no home to return to.

Deadpool: Come again?

This time in my ears.

[device beeps]

Paradox; This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.

That is what happens when a universe loses their Anchor Being.

See how it decays from the inside?

- This is how a reality dies.
Deadpool: What's an Anchor Being?

Paradox: An Anchor Being is an entity of such vital importance that when they die, their whole world slowly withers out of existence.

Deadpool: You've just won the lottery because I didn't die.

It was just a little midlife crisis. I'm better now.

Paradox: Oh, no, no, no. [laughing]

[Deadpool laughs along]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I love to laugh.

Can you imagine if you were the Anchor Being?

- [Deadpool, dully] Yeah.
- [laughs] Oh!

- Yeah.
Paradox: No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.

Your Anchor Being died in an act of self-sacrifice so epic that it sent shivers down the Timeline.

I am referring, of course, to...

Logan. The Wolverine.

[weakly] Logan: Don't be what they made you.

[♪ sentimental slow rock music playing]

[crying]

Ah, so this is what it feels like...

[Deadpool] Logan.

Of course.

Logan.

[Deadpool groans]

[yelling] Logan?

The guy with forks for hands?

- That Wolverine?
- [device beeps]

Yeah, I got it.
You can turn your retro graphics of death off now. Make it stop.

Paradox; We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson.

We certainly can't stop it.

[Deadpool]
How long have we got?

Paradox; In most cases, couple thousand years.

Deadpool: Well, sweet.
Paradox: Well, most cases aren't fast enough.
Not for me.

[Deadpool]
What does that mean?

Paradox: It means that I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe.

And regardless of what the pencil pushers upstairs would prefer, I will not waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes.

We used to just prune these things. Simple.

Elegant. Efficient.
But I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore. Well, I do.

And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse does not need a babysitter.

We need a mercy k*ller.

And in this instance,

I am the mercy k*ller. Ha!

[chuckles]

[device beeps]

[Deadpool] What in the MacGuffin is that?

[Mr. Paradox] That's a Time Ripper, Mr. Wilson.

An accelerant.

Once completed, it will allow me to destroy the spacetime matrix of your universe.

You see, I don't want to work for the TVA.

I want to be the TVA.

And the first step involves showing this organization how much more efficient it can become.

To wit, I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end.

And don't worry, your friends won't feel a thing.

It'll be over just like this. "Oh, what's that?" [groans]

Trust me.

Deadpool: You're gonna Old Yeller my f*cking universe?

Paradox: Mm... In your parlance, yes.

Two in the heart, one in the head.

Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.

You can either rejoin your loved ones and collectively cease to exist in,

I'd say, 72 hours. Or... you join the Sacred Timeline.

And you end your days of insignificance and mediocrity.

Wade.

Wade, you can finally, finally matter.

- [Hulk roars]
- [♪ sentimental music playing]

Deadpool: That's all I've ever really wanted.

I know.

I know.

Deadpool: And you know I'm... I'm nothing if not morally flexible. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Yep, yep.

I'll do it.

Paradox: Wise choice.

The Sacred Timeline's happy to have you.

[Deadpool] I was actually talking about finding the Wolverine and breaking your f*cking nose.

[groans]

[♪ soft rock music plays, Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"]

♪ And I'd give up forever to touch you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow ♪

[♪ song stops]

Find him. Find him!

[Deadpool]
And boy, did he ever.

[grunting]

Which brings us back to this.

The desecration of the sacred corpse.

- [♪ dramatic music playing]
- [yelling and grunting]

- Oh, my God!
- [yells]

Oh! My own f*cking arm!

[soldier 1 yells]

- [soldier 1 screams]
- [grunting]

- [soldier 1 screaming]
- Now we're talkin'!

[soldier 1] Not like this!

No, dear God! No!

[Deadpool] I'm sorry! Wolverine-ing is hard!

[soldier 2] Make it stop!

[Deadpool] Mangold tried.

[soldiers screaming]

You sick f*ck!

Logan was a hero.

And the only thing worth a sh*t to ever come out of Canada.

[soldier 1 cries out]

[soldier 2 screams]

[Deadpool]
Get my country's name out of your f*ck' mouth.

And my sword. Give me that.

[exhales]

Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.

An alive one.

Don't get up, guys.
I'll see myself out.

[♪ synth rock music playing, "The Power of Love"]

Logan!

I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Who's asking?

[♪ music stops]

[Deadpool] Oh, look at this little Hairy Lou Retton.

Did you stick the landing, little guy?

Yes, you did!

Comic-accurate short king.

Such a cute wittle Wolvie.

Cue the f*ck' montage, baby.

- [♪ synth rock music resumes]
- Ahoy!

Everything seems to be on fire.

You have a dragon?

Ooh, you have Anchor Being written all over...

[grunting]

[growling]

♪ Make a one man weep, make another man sing ♪

♪ Change a hawk... ♪

Patch!

- [engine revving]
- Oh, now we're talkin'.

Oh, yeah.

That's the whole g*dd*mn package right there.

Howdy!

I'm just... I'm auditioning Anchor Beings.

Oh. Yeah, that's gonna need some coconut oil.

[grunts]

[crow cawing]

What in the f*ck?

[laughs] Are you okay?

Oh, yes, yes.

Classic John Byrne brown and tan.

Now, you fought the Hulk in this outfit. No?

- [deep growl]
- [♪ song stops]

I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature,

and I will not... [yells]

- [Deadpool groans]
- [♪ song resumes playing]

[grunting]

- [thunder rumbles]
- [groaning]

It's not you. We're just going in a different direction.

[engine revving]

You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry...

- Oh, my f*ck!
- [♪ song stops]

The Cavillrine.
The legends are true.

And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity,

this just feels right.

We will treat you so much better than those sh*t f*ck down the street.

- Cavillrine: You were just leavin'.
- [Deadpool] No, sir.

Not while the fate of my universe is at...

[man grunts]

[choking]

This one looks promising.

Down you go.

[Logan] Again.

Bartender: I told you.
You're not welcome here.

You're not welcome anywhere.

Now get the f*ck out of my bar.

Logan: Just give me one more drink and then I'll leave.

[bartender] That's not how it works.

[Deadpool] It does now.
Leave the bottle.

Logan: I know you, bub?

Deadpool: Nope. But I know you.

Logan: Everybody knows me.

I'm the Wolverine.

Deadpool: Yes, you are.

And I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.

Logan: Look, lady, I'm not interested.

Deadpool: Really gettin' into your cups here.

Logan; Why would I go with you?

Because, unfortunately, I need you, and even more unfortunately, my entire world needs you.

Bartender: You two gonna f*ck or fight?

Deadpool: You gonna take that from him?

- Logan: Yep.
- [scoffs]

Deadpool: I can tell you have a sort of don't-get-too-close-I'll-only-break-your-heart vibe going here, but every other Wolverine would've really hurt me by now.

And I'm sort of on the tick-tick.

- So, upsy-daisy. Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa.

- Up you go.
- Hey, hey!

I got you, big guy.

Oh.

Whiskey d*ck of the claws.

It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.

Logan: You don't want this.

Deadpool: You're right. I don't.
And you don't want this.

Unless you wanna take a deep breath through your f*ck' forehead,

I suggest you reconsider.

Let's go, peanut.

[laughing]

Logan: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Watch this.

All right. That... Whoa.

Easy.

Deadpool: Good God.

Thirsty little honey badger, aren't ya?

It's okay. Keep goin'.

Audiences are accustomed to long run times.

[grunts, groans]

[body thuds]

[sighs]
Guess you'll have to do.

Okay, here we...

Oh! Look at those jammies.

That only took twenty f*cking years


One Anchor Being coming right up!

On your left, baby girl.

This Logan has the same he-can-do-anything- even-musicals look.

And bonus, he's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.

I don't understand.

Deadpool: You said my universe is dying because this sack of nuts got himself k*lled.

- Well, problem solved.
- My God.

You actually think you can replace an Anchor Being with this?

I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, BT dubs.

But you have outdone yourself and brought me the worst Wolverine!

Deadpool: What do you mean, the worst one?

Paradox; Mr. Wilson.

This Wolverine let down his entire world.

He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way.

And what he did, well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.

Okay.

Deadpool: How do I... How do I make this right? I'll do anything.

Paradox: I gave you a chance at greatness.

Because my superiors deemed you "special."

Clearly not special in a good way.

Apparently, you have some important future purpose to serve.

Deadpool: With Thor. He holds me.

Paradox: But I did my duty.

I gave you the opportunity to be somebody.

And instead of accepting my offering with humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.

[sighs] Deadpool: It looks great.

Paradox: And you decimated dozens of my men with the exhumed corpse of a hero.

Dishonoring not only his remains but his memory.

Deadpool: What are you, the Internet?

Paradox: Your world is dying!

Thank you very much.

Paradox: And there's no stopping it.

[muffled]
The humane thing to do is to make it quick.

Is the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?

Paradox; I'm eating my feelings.

Deadpool: I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about because that hairy thundercunt from down undercunt finally dies, and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Welcome to the MCU, by the way.

You're joining at a bit of a low point.

As for you, I wanna talk to your boss.

I want you to get him on the phone and you tell him, her, or them, that Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.

Holy sh*t.

I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once.

You're off grid.

Your bosses don't know what you sick f*ck are doing down here.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I have a black belt in Karen...

And I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna tell 'em all about you and your...

Paradox: Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?

Logan: Where the f*ck did he go?

Paradox: To the trash heap.
You'll fit right in.

[growls]

Whew.

That was close. [chuckles]

[muffled rhythmic thumping]

[muffled footsteps thumping]

[groaning]

[Deadpool] Don't just stand there, you ape.

Give me a hand up.

- [claws clang]
- Nope. I'm actually okay.

- Thank you very much. [groans]
- [Wolverine grunting]

[Wolverine]
Where the hell are we?

[Deadpool] I don't know.
Looks kind of Mad Max-y.

But that would be IP infringement, right?

Wolverine: f*cking jokes.

- [grunts]
- [Deadpool yelps]

[bones crack]

[Deadpool] f*ck! f*ck.

Were you even listening back there?

If we don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox as*h*le, everyone I know is gonna die.

Not my f*ck' problem.

Oh, is that all you got?

Is that what you said when your world went to sh*t?

[breathing heavily]
Come again?

Yeah, I heard all about you.

How you screwed up everything.

You should be thankin' me for pulling you out of that bed you sh*t in.

[groans] You back-stabbing son of a b*tch!

[yells]

[shouts, groans]

Are you ready to be calm now?

- [grunts]
- [Deadpool yelps]

[groans]

Rest in pieces, Fox. [grunts]

[♪ tense song intro playing, AC/DC "Hells Bells"]

[bird screeching]

Deadpool: I don't want to fight you, peanut.

Doesn't matter what you did.

- I just need your help.
- [grunts]

Logan: I don't f*ck' care.

Deadpool: Uh... Uh-oh.

[breathes heavily]

f*ck. This is gonna hurt.

All right.

f*ck it.

Let's give the people what they came for.

- [♪ song stops]
- Let's f*ck' go.

Get your special sock out, nerds.

It's gonna get good.

[grunts]

[♪ hard rock music playing, AC/DC "Hells Bells"]

[growls]

[g*nshots]

[both grunting]

[groans]

[screams]

♪ Hell's bells ♪

♪ I'll give you black sensations ♪

♪ Up and down your spine ♪

♪ If you're into evil, you're a friend of mine ♪

♪ See my white light flashing as I split the night ♪

- [grunts, growls]
- [Deadpool chuckles] Ew.

Gotcha!

♪ I got my bell, I'm gonna take you to hell ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you, Satan get you ♪

Deadpool: Baby Knife!
- [groans]

- [screams]
Wolverine: - Let's see you grow

your f*ck' head back.

Deadpool; Wait, wait, wait!
I can fix it! I can fix it.

- Fix what?
Deadpool: - Whatever it is that you did.

Whatever made you so bad.

Those... Those pricks in the TVA.
You heard him.

They have the power to end my universe, but they also have the power to change yours.

We get back there, and we can fix your world.

Together.

I promise.

They can fix it.

[man] Hey!

Voice: We fight each other, we lose.

[Deadpool] Dear God, it's him.

- Wolverine: Who?
- [Deadpool] The one.

The superhero equivalent to comfort food, or Molly.

White guys' answer to all the disappointments.

And another A-lister.

Fair warning, gorgeous.

You're going to encounter some indelicate language, a smidge of a*s play, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine. On camera.

- [man] They're coming.
- [Deadpool] Who's "they"?

- [engines revving]
- [♪ menacing music playing]

Oh, they're driving angry.

[grunts]

Now that's a superhero landing.

[♪ menacing music continues]

[♪ music stops]

I got this.

[♪ menacing music resumes]

[sniffs]

[engines revving]

Stay close.

[Deadpool] Aye, aye, Cap'n.

You got this.

Pyro: Cassandra is gonna be giddy when she sees what we caught.

You can't run.

Everybody knows that.

You see anyone runnin', d*ck for brains?

You're not gonna love what happens next.

- [Deadpool] Oh. Oh, my God.
- [♪ rousing music playing]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's gonna say it.

- Ah! f*ck.
- [Deadpool] Ha!

Oh, my God! He's gonna say it!

Wolverine: Say what?
- Deadpool: Avengers, assemble...

- Johnny Storm: Flame on!
-Deadpool: I'm sorry, what now?

[♪ epic music playing]

[groans, panting]

[screaming in distance]

- [clang]
- Ohh!

f*ck!

Ahhh!

[grunts]

- Wolverine: We don't know that guy.
- [Deadpool] We thought we did.

Sabretooth: I know you.

- [Deadpool] Holy sh...
- [Sabretooth snarls]

[growls]

Sabretooth.

Your brother.

Deadpool: Ready to die?

[Deadpool] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time!

You look ridiculous.

People have waited decades for this fight.

It's not gonna be easy.
Baby Knife.

sh**t the double, you take him down.

Side control, then full mount, and you ground and pound till he makes no sound because he's dead.

- Shut the f*ck up!
- [Deadpool] Oh, my God!

Okay. Good luck.
I'm a huge fan.

[breathing heavily]

[laughs]

[roars]

- [gurgling]
- [Deadpool] What is it, girl?

- Is there trouble at the well?
- [flesh squelching]

[laughs] Big trouble.

Behold!

The head of your precious queen, Furiosa!

I have the Wolverine!

I alone control her!

You come for me, you come for her.

So sorry.
I know it's pronounced "him."

I'm gender blind.
It's my cross to bear.

Who's next?

- Toad!
- [snarls]

You're up.

[yells]

[both grunt]

[Deadpool] Uh-oh.

- Oh, holy sh...
- f*ck.

[thud]

[creatures squeaking]

[Deadpool groans, mumbles]

[Deadpool] God of Thunder.

[Deadpool grunts]

How long was I asleep?

Not all of you was asleep.

- [Deadpool grunts]
- Johnny: Don't bother.

They're very thorough.

If you know where we are, start talking.

Johnny; You're in The Void.

Think of it as purgatory.

Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard.

Where anything useless goes before it gets annihilated forever.

And where the TVA sends people that don't play nice with the rest of the multiverse.

Wolverine: Like you?
Johnny: And you.

[Deadpool] What does the annihilating?

Johnny Storm: Alioth.

[Deadpool]
Alioth is in this thing?

From Loki,
Season 1, Episode 5?

Everyone here is on the run from Alioth.

Most don't make it.

There's a resistance, though.

Other people like us that managed to survive.

They're hidin' out in the borderlands, trying to find a way the f*ck outta here.

Then that's where we go.

[Deadpool] "We"? Us? A team?

The answer is yes.
Shake on it.

f*ck! You nicked it.

Just got the tip with your little steak knife.

These "others" can help us get back to the TVA.

Make 'em fix things.

[laughs sardonically]

Wolverine: Something funny, bub?

Johnny; She might have somethin' to say about that.

Who's "she"?

Johnny: In The Void, you're either food for Alioth or you work for her.

[♪ stirring music playing]

[engine roars]

[metal creaking]

[heavy metallic thud]

[engine roaring]

[♪ tense music playing]

[grunts]

[growls quietly]

[grunts]

[Deadpool] Huh.
Paul Rudd finally aged.

Oh, you must be this year's Juggernaut.

- Thank you.
- I'd keep your voices down.

She don't like the chatter.

She's gonna love you.

[♪ slow dramatic music building]

[Deadpool] Is it... Is that Charles?

Hey... Hey, Chuck! It's us!

Wolverine: That's not Chuck.

Ah, sh*t.

[Deadpool] Oh, ableism. Great.

That's not gonna go over well with the woke mob.

Cassandra Nova; A Wolverine.

I wondered when I'd get one of you.

You're one of Xavier's.

[Deadpool] You-You know him?
You know Chuck?

Cassandra: Oh, I knew him.

We shared a womb.

Tried to strangle the sly little fellow with my umbilical cord.

[Deadpool] Amen. I've never loved roommates. Mine's blind.

Except she can see cocaine.

For some... reason.

You want to chime in,
Your Majesty? I'm dying here.

Who are you?

Cassandra; Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.

Wolverine: - Bullshit!
Cassandra; I was an a**l birth.

Dead pool: Hmm. You two are cute.

I have a good feeling about this.

And I've been trying to catch this little firefly for years.

Cassandra: Haven't I, Johnny?

Aw... You picked the wrong time to make new friends.

[Deadpool] Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

- Maybe shut up now.
- Yeah, maybe don't...

[Deadpool]
We're just talkin' here.

Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic megalomaniacal as*h*le.

His words, not mine.
Hellbent on domination and pain.

Cassandra: You said all that about me?

Johnny: No! No! I don't...

- I didn't say any of that!
Deadpool: Sticks and stones, Johnny!

Don't let her intimidate you.

It's like you said in the convoy.

This finger-lickin' dead-inside pixie slab of third rate dime-store nut-milk can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

Johnny: Okay. I have never said any of those words

- in my entire life!
- [Deadpool] Ha! The modesty.

People think I'm a sh*t talker.

But this guy...

[smooches] Next level.

Johnny: What? This... I... We...

I don't even know what half of that means!

- This... I...
- Deadpool: My hat's off to you, sir.

- Truly.
- What? This...

Johnny; I didn't... He's...
That's... I...

I... I don't...

- [Deadpool gasps]
- [heart beats]

[Deadpool]
Not my favorite Chris.

Wolverine: You stupid piece of sh*t.

You just got him f*cking k*lled!

[Deadpool] Hey!
We're all grieving!

PS, do you know what he was doing to the budget?

[shushing]

Cassandra: Alioth is hungry.

[Deadpool] There's been some kind of mistake.

Big yellow is a back-up Anchor Being, and I'm Marvel Jesus.
MJ, if you're nasty.

This may be hard to hear, but there's another British villain who's gonna destroy my universe, and I'm gonna stop him.

Cassandra: Oh, honey, you don't really strike me as the world-saving type.

[thunder rumbling in distance]

Did I hit a nerve?

[Deadpool] I didn't want it to come to this.

Either you help us or my friend here is gonna sing the entire second act of Music Man with zero warm-up.

Where'd you get the chair?

[Cassandra Nova]
Well, once in a while, I do get a Charles through here.

Never mine, though.

No. He didn't care to find me.

[Deadpool groans]

Deadpool: Gen Z and their trauma-bragging!

Can't you just stuff it down, turn it into accomplishment or cancer like the rest of us?

Cassandra: But I'm not like the rest of you.

Except maybe the Wolverine.

Now, we could be truly terrifying together.

Wolverine: You're that scary, huh?

Cassandra: The TVA certainly thought so.

They sent me here before I could walk.

And you know, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love it here.

[Deadpool] You live in a garbage dump.

Cassandra; I think we both know who lives in the garbage dump.

The Void is a paradise.

I can wield my power here without shame.

Unfortunately I had no Charles Xavier

to teach me temperance.

What about your Charles?

Did he protect you?

Did he make you feel safe?

Wolverine: We're mutants.
We're never safe.

- [roars]
- [Cassandra whoops]

[chuckles]

[whoops]

[Deadpool] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't... I don't want the smoke.

I don't have any beef with you.

I just want to save my friends.

I just... I want to go home.

Well, the thing is, I could get you home.

- Good.
- But I don't want to.

[Deadpool] Not good.
[groaning]

What do you want, Wade Wilson?

[Deadpool straining] Your... fingers are inside me, but not in a good way.

My brother could enter one's mind with a thought.

I have to get my hands dirty.

- [Deadpool groaning]
- [shushing]

I've got you.

[whispers] I've got you...

[Wade, muffled]
Vanessa: What do you mean?

I can't... I can't reach you.
You're not here.

Wade; I'm right here.

- No, you're not. I can't...
Wade: I'm right here.

Vanessa: Then show me.
You got to do something.

Wade: Show you what?

Vanessa: Show me you care about something bigger than you.

Ever since they turned you down, you took a knee.

Baby, you never got back up.

I know you're going through something.

Let me go through it with you.

- Your crazy matches my crazy.
- Your crazy matches my crazy.

Where'd you go?

[Wade] Oh, my God.

[♪ melancholy music playing]

Wade: You just say it. Okay?

Say, "I don't want you.

"I don't want to be with you."

Go ahead. Say it.
Say... Say, "I don't..."

Say it.
You don't wanna be with me.

Tell me that and I'll walk away.

Say, "I don't want you."

[♪ melancholy music continues]

[sighs] f*ck...

You'll never f*cking matter.

Wade: What?

- Cassandra; You'll never f*cking matter.
- f*cking matter.

[♪ melancholy music continues]

- [Vanessa] You'll...
- [Cassandra] You'll...

- never...
- never...

- f*cking...
- f*cking...

- matter.
- matter...

[Deadpool]
She never said that.

- [Cassandra] No.
- [groans]

[in mocking tone]
But I bet she thought it.

[Deadpool splutters]

[Deadpool groans]
You are so mean!

My brain could taste your fingers, and they tasted like hate!

And where in God's name is the intimacy coordinator?

Cassandra: You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.

And long before you came here.

Deadpool; This is Baby Knife.

She's gonna f*ck you in the face now.

Cassandra: If you want to k*ll me, it's going to take more than a little blade.

[Deadpool] How about six?

[laughs mockingly]
My boy's wicked strong.

That's my big boy.

Yes, you are.

[groans]

[laughs]

[Cassandra]
Well, this has been fun.

But the big guy needs to eat, and the rent is due.

- [eerie roar]
- [thunder roaring]

By the way,

you're the rent.

[rumbling]

[roars]

[henchmen screaming]

- [electrical whine]
- Come on! f*ck!

- [engine starts]
- You comin' or what?

[Deadpool] Coming!

[engine sputtering in distance]

- [distant scream]
- [engine bursts]

[grunting]

[both groan]

What you thinkin' 'bout?

- Get the f*ck off of me!
- Shh, shh, shh.

- [strains] Almost done.
- Logan: Almost done what?

Deadpool: Getting my knife out of your buttocks,

- pervert!
- Aah! f*ck!

Get your mind out of my pants!

- I'm telling Blake.
Logan: New rules.

I talk now.

Deadpool: That's gonna be very hard on the audience.

Logan: Shut the f*ck up!

Let me f*ck' think.

Now we gotta get back to Paradox, right?

Right?

Deadpool: Je m'excuse. Am I allowed to speak now or...

Just nod, as*h*le.

Right.

Then we find the others that poor kid, Johnny, was talking about before you got him k*lled!

[Deadpool] "Poor kid."
He's, like, 50!

Yeah, if there's a chance they know how to get out of here, we find 'em.

And make those TVA f*ck fix my sh*t like you f*cking promised!

[Deadpool] I smell quest.

[sniffing]

Logan: I smell food.

Deadpool: So what made you finally wear an honest-to-God costume?

Mine's red so they can't see me bleed.

But I could see how yellow would be useful too.

Logan; Have you been checked for ADHD?

Deadpool: Mm-mm.

But I've had several STDs, which were probably caused by ADHD.

Logan: f*ck!

Deadpool: What are you looking for?

Logan; Oh. Thank f*ck.

Deadpool: No, no, no, no, no.
That's rubbing alcohol.

You don't want to drink...
Oh, yeah.

There you go. f*ck that liver.

[exhales]

- Good. Okay.
- [sighs]

What the f*ck are those?

Deadpool: Oh.

Back in civilian life, I wear a toupee, but nobody knows. [chuckles]

[laughing]

Logan: Everybody knows.

Deadpool: Wanna talk about what's haunting you, or should we wait for a third act flashback?

Logan: Ah... Go f*ck yourself.

Deadpool: You know... in my world, you're...
[clears throat]

You're well regarded.

Logan: Yeah, well, not in mine.

Deadpool: They don't like me much in mine either.

You don't say.

I wanted to be something, you know. I...

sh*t, I wanted to be an Avenger.

Logan: f*ck the Avengers.
- Deadpool: Yeah.

I didn't make the cut, though.
Same with the X-Men...

When my girlfriend left me,

- and I just...
-Logan: You had a girlfriend?

Deadpool: Yeah.

Vanessa.

When we met, she was a dancer.

We had a whole life.

It was good.

But, oh, boy, I just... Mwah.

f*cked that right up.

But you, you were an X-Man.

f*ck that.
You were the X-Man. You...

The Wolverine.

He was a hero in my world.

Logan; Yeah, well... he ain't sh*t in mine.

Logan: You said, "Logan was a hero."
What happened?

Deadpool: He died.

Logan: How?

Deadpool; Well, technically, you were chest-f*cked by a tree, but, really, you just ran out of batteries

- trying to save someone.
- Who?

Deadpool: The shitheels that grew her in a lab called her "X-23." But... she was just a kid.

A younger, daintier, somehow meaner version of you.

You died trying to save her.

It was beautiful.

Look, mijo, I know you're hurtin'.

My blind, elderly, African-American roommate,

Blind Al, always says that pain teaches us who we are.

Sometimes we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.

- Holy sh*t.
- Deadpool: Yeah, she's wise.

No, no, no. That's her name?
You call her "Blind Al"?

Deadpool: Well, she's blind.

[dog barking]

[♪ ballad music plays, Chris de Burgh "The Lady in Red"]

♪ I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight ♪

♪ I've never seen you shine so bright, mm-hmm, hmm ♪

♪ The lady in red ♪

♪ Is dancing with me ♪

♪ Cheek to cheek ♪

♪ There's nobody here... ♪

Deadpool: Look at you!

She's coming with us.

- Logan; No, she's not. f*ck no!
- Oh, yes, she is.

- Oh, yes...
- [man] Sorry!

- [♪ song stops]
- Sorry about that!

Come here, girl! [chuckles]

Deadpool: Who are you?

Nicepool; Oh, I'm Deadpool.

And I guess you're Deadpool too.

But in here, everybody calls me "Nicepool."

Oh, my goodness.
Wait till you see Ladypool.

She is gorgeous.

She just had a baby too.
And... [blows sharply]

Can't even tell.

I don't think you're supposed to say that.

That's okay.

I identify as a feminist.

Deadpool: Right.

Are those gold-plated,

...50 caliber Desert Eagle pistoleros?

Nicepool: 'Course.

To match my ear huggie.

Deadpool: Can I have 'em?

[laughs] Over my dead body.

[chuckles] You're fun.

Nicepool; And I guess you've already met Mary Puppins.

AKA Dogpool.

Careful where you put your hands.

She's ninety percent g-spot, and she'll let you know it.

You let this little flirt out of your sight for one second

and she starts shopping for a new papa.

Deadpool: If you can't be a responsible pet owner, then maybe you don't deserve this little unicorn.

Nicepool: Guilty on all charges, Your Honor.

Shan't happen again.

Why are you so nice?

Oh, it costs nothing to be kind.

Shutting the f*ck up is also free.

- Caliente.
- This is Logan.

He's usually shirtless, but he's let himself go since the divorce.

Where's your mask?

Come on, guys.

[bird screeches in distance]

Ugh, this guy.

We're looking for a group of survivors.

Nicepool: Oh, they're out there.

Yeah, but merc to merc, you better hope that you don't run into the Deadpool corps.

Yeah, they're crazy.

They will chop you up into a thousand pieces and hide you all over The Void.

If they could only process their childhood trauma, they'd go on one heck of a healing journey.

Logan: Look, we're headed for the borderlands.

You know where it is?

Nicepool: Yeah, that... that's 12 klicks due west.

I can lend you my ride, if you like.

It would be my honor.

[birds chirping]

[Deadpool] Oh, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.

Uh-uh. What the...
No! No!

Just get in the car.

This isn't a car.

This is a Honda f*ck' Odyssey.

Throttle response sucks a c*ck.

Dated infotainment system.

When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was makin' a comeback,

they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete.

Get in the f*cking car.

She'll get you there safe and sound.

Old Betsy always does.

You're gonna have to give me my dog back, though.

[Deadpool] I know. Listen.

- [Dogpool whimpers]
- Yes, child.

If you ever wanna give her up, or if she needs a new home, or if something should happen to you,

I'd love to be her papa.

[laughs] What would ever happen to me?

[Deadpool] Lots of stuff.

- Jesus.
- [Deadpool] No!

We're running away. [grunts]

- [Wolverine] Give me that.
- The corn was too dense, girl!

- [Wolverine] There.
- Come here!

- [Deadpool] f*ck!
- [Nicepool] Hello!

- [engine starts]
- Bye.

[♪ Avril Lavigne "I'm With You" plays on car stereo]

[sighs]

♪ It's a damn cold night ♪

♪ Trying to figure out this life ♪

♪ Won't you take me by the hand? ♪

♪ Take me somewhere new ♪

♪ I don't know who you are But I ♪

♪ I'm with you... ♪

[Deadpool] Okay, I'm just gonna ask...

What's with the suit?

First thing I did when I flamed out,

- I took mine off.
-Logan; Drop it.

[Deadpool] It's not that ugly.

-Logan: Stop talking about my suit.
- Deadpool: Did you make it yourself?

- Been there.
-Logan: Quit. Now.

Deadpool: The X-Men make you wear it?
Those sons of f*ck' b*tches.

They are not your friends, I'll tell you that.

Friends don't let friends leave the house lookin' like they fight crime for the Los Angeles Rams.

Logan: Shut the f*ck up about this, or...

Deadpool: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch your frown lines, angel baby.

I'm just trying to bond a little bit.

Logan; Yeah, well, then talk about somethin' else.

Deadpool: Fine.

Pshew. Pshew, pshew.

Pshew!

- Stop it.
- Deadpool: Pshew.

If they can fix your world, what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here?

Get some rubbing alcohol shots, maybe a wiper fluid chaser?

Logan: What did you say?
- Deadpool; I said when you get back,

what's the first thing you're gonna do?

Logan: No, no, no. Before that.

Deadpool: If... they can fix your world?

[grunts]

What do you mean, "if"?

- I mean...
- You lied to me.

You don't have a f*cking clue if they can help me fix things, do you?

No. I mean... Ow!

f*ck! f*ck! I didn't lie!

- You lied!
- No! I made an educated wish!

Because I need you.

This. This is why. Right here.

'Cause if we don't do something, they die.

I don't know anything about saving worlds.

And why would I even care?

Because my entire world is right here in this picture.

It's only nine people, and I have no idea how to save it alone.

I know how to f*ck people up for money. But you, you know how to save 'em!

At least the other Wolverine did.

- [flesh squelching]
- [groans]

f*ck! I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.

Did you say you made an educated f*cking wish?

Deadpool: They call me "The Merc with the Mouth."

They don't call me "Truthful Timmy, "the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon."

[grunts in pain]

Logan: One more word.

Please give me one.
[breathing heavily]

Deadpool: Gubernatorial.

[yelps] Oh, f*ck!

You know what?
You're a f*cking joke.

No wonder the Avengers didn't take you.

Or the X-Men. And they'll take f*cking anyone.

I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron.

I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my entire life.

And that says a lot, 'cause I've been alive for more than


and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing.

You will never save the world!

You couldn't even save a relationship with a g*dd*mn stripper!

And m*therf*cker, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, except that's on all of us!

Oh, you got nothing to say, Mouth?

[breathing heavily]

[Deadpool]
I'm gonna fight you now.

[laughs]

[snorts] Logan: Oh, are you?

[song plays on radio, song changing]

[♪ upbeat pop music plays, "You're the One That I Want"]

[grunting]

- [groaning]
- Mm. Not talkin' now, are ya?

♪ And I'm losing control ♪

♪ 'Cause the power you're supplying ♪

[Deadpool]
Oh, you dirty b*tch.

[growls]

- [yelling]
- ♪ You better shape up ♪

♪ 'Cause I need a man ♪

[both grunting]

♪ And my heart is set on you ♪

♪ You better shape up ♪

- [laughs]
- [Deadpool] Whoo!

[grunts]

♪ To my heart, I must be true ♪

♪ Nothing left, nothing left for me to do ♪

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

- [straining]
- No, no, no! [screams]

[screams in high pitch]

- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- [bones crack]

♪ The one I need Oh, yes, indeed... ♪

[choking]

[yells]

- Baby Knife!
- [screams]

[♪ song stops]

Deadpool: I take it all back.
The Honda Odyssey f*ck hard.

Too bad you don't, needle d*ck.

Logan: Oh, we're just gettin' started, bub.

- [yells]
- [♪ song resumes playing]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

[Deadpool] Oh, you... f*ck!

- [Deadpool groaning loudly]
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- ♪ The one I need ♪
- [groaning stops]

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

[♪ song fades out]

[birds chirping]

[leaves rustling]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[car door opens and closes]

[engine starts]

[♪ cryptic music playing]

[water dripping]

[Deadpool] Thor!

Logan; Where are we?

Deadpool: No clue, but... I like it here.

- [door opens]
- [♪ cryptic music intensifies]

[grunting]

[Deadpool] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[♪ sentimental music playing]

- [♪ music pauses]
- [low growl]

[♪ dramatic electronic music playing]

[electrical humming]

[cat meows]

[♪ music fades out]

Deadpool: Okay.

Look at you... all.
You must be the others.

Terrific.

So just to refresh, you are

- Wonder...
- Elektra.

[Deadpool] Elektra?
Yes. Who could forget?

And you. I was not expecting to see you here.

I thought you were, you know, retired. [chuckles]

Blade; Ret*rded?

[Deadpool] "Retired."

I'm already in The Void.

I'm not trying to get canceled again.

- Blade; I don't like you.
- [Deadpool] You never did.

And who's this succulent reminder of my own inadequacies?

Look at you.

You look like the superhero version of Hawkeye.

Gambit: The name's Remy LeBeau, Le Diable Blanc.

But you can call me the Gambit.

[Deadpool] It's been a while since I've seen Sling Blade.

Hit me again.

Gambit: They call me the Gambit.

[Deadpool] Do they?
Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to, but it never quite worked out?

[speaks indistinctly]

Gambit: You know, we never had a Wolverine up in here.

But I can tell you now, it's just a common courtesy to ask before you drink up all of my liquor.

Logan: Well, it's a good thing I don't give a f*ck.

[laughs, speaks French]

f*ck.

- [bottle smashes]
- [Deadpool] So embarrassing.

Boo, boo, boo.

Well, now that that's settled, look, we came a long way to find you three.

- Elektra: There's four of us.
- [Deadpool] There's four...

Hey, wait. Is it Magneto?

Dear sweet God in heaven, let it be Magneto,

- because with him...
- Blade: He's dead.

[Deadpool] f*ck!
Now Disney gets cheap?

It's like Pinocchio jammed his face in my a*s

- and started lying like crazy.
-
Gambit: Ooh, you nasty!

Gambit; Mon petit rouge. Laissez les bons temps rouler, huh?

[Deadpool] Not a single word.
What do you do exactly?

Gambit: Charge the playing cards and make 'em go boom!

[Deadpool] Your power's close-up magic. That's good.

We're not totally f*cked at all.

So who brought us here?

[Voice] That would be me.

[♪ pensive music playing]

Laura: Don't make me regret it.

[Deadpool] Holy sh*t. Logan.
That's her. That's X-23.

She's the one I told you about.

Hey, how did you all get stuck in The Void?

Blade; There was a knock at the door.

- : TVA sent me here.
-Elektra; Me, too.

Gambit: Well, maybe I was born here.

It's... It's hard to know for sure.

Blade: TVA decided our universe was dying.

And I never even got a chance to fight for it.

[Elektra] People like us don't go quietly.

TVA knows that, so they took us out.

[smooches]
Deadpool: The answer is yes. I'm in.

Blade- In what?
- [Deadpool] A team.

Me, you, you, and me.
All of us together.

Let's get the f*ck out of this place.

Logan: Don't listen to him.
He's a f*cking liar!

[Deadpool]
It was an educated wish!

- Logan: Ha!
- [Deadpool] Look.

We've been inside Cassandra's lair.

The only way out of The Void is through her.

She can get us home.
She told us.

Blade: Wait a minute, you've been inside?

- And you made it out alive?
- Elektra; Bullshit.

- Nobody's ever done that.
- [Deadpool] We did.

Gambit; Every time one of us has gone up against her, they die.

The Punisher, the Quicksilver, the Daredevil.

[Deadpool] Daredevil?
I'm so sorry.

- Elektra: It's fine.
- [Deadpool] Okay.

Gambit: Even that sweet, baby angel, Johnny Storm.

He up and gone missing like, what, two days ago?

[Deadpool] Ugh. That's so sad.

Wherever this Johnny fella is, I'm sure he's thriving.

[Wolverine chuckles]

Look, there's... there's strength in numbers.

All right? Us... plus, you guys.
We can put Cassandra over our knee and force her to let us out of The Void.

I know what it means to feel self-doubt.

-Elektra: I don't feel that at all.
- Blade: I'm good.

[Deadpool] Gnawing at your gut like a coked-up tapeworm.

Gambit: It's like you're holding up a mirror to my soul.

[Deadpool] You guys may not have been able to save your universes.

But you can avenge them.

It's what Johnny would have wanted.

Elektra: Wait. You knew Johnny?

Logan: [chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Dickhead here talked him into a team-up, and Johnny came down with a little case of the deads.

[Deadpool] No, no, no.
We don't know that.

It was just a flesh wound.
He may have survived.

Logan: If he survived that, he is prayin' for death.

[Deadpool] Thank you, Doctor Wolverine!

-Blade; Spill it!
Gambit: What'd you do to Johnny, huh?

Talk or I'm gonna start dealin'.

[Deadpool] Okay. Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.

Look.

He ran his fat-a*s mouth about Cassandra.

Then she zip-zapped his skin, leaving his organs to splash crudely onto the ground while the soil greedily drank his blood. It was horrible.

He was like a brother to me.

Look, he died before he could make a difference. But...

- [laughs]
- Look, maybe you couldn't save your worlds, but... but Jesus Christ, you can save mine!

Elektra; I don't give a sh*t about your world, but if these two made it out of there alive, maybe together, we can get back in and take her down.

Gambit: Where I come from, we call that suicide, Chere.

[Deadpool] If we can block her psychic powers, we can get a leg up. I know it.

Now, I know Magneto's dead.

But I'd venture to guess that his helmet is lying

- around here somewhere...
- Blade: Cassandra melted the helmet.

- [Deadpool] f*ck!
- Blade: After she k*lled him.

- [Deadpool] f*ck!
- Blade: She don't play.

Elektra: She knows that helmet was the only way to protect anyone from her powers.

The only other helmet that strong is Juggernaut's, but he works for Cassandra.

[Deadpool] Juggernaut's helmet.
That's it.

Gambit: Yeah, and we done be knowing that lid ain't comin' off without that dome gonna come off wit'it.

[Deadpool] I'm so sorry, beautiful.

I want this to be gentle.

Who is your dialect coach?
The Minions?

I feel like we are missing critical exposition here.

Elektra: I'm sick of this sh*t.
I'm sick of hiding.

Let's face it, our worlds forgot about us.

Gambit: Or never learned about us.

Elektra: The heroes we were.

Blade: Lives we saved.

Gambit: Or wanted to save.

Elektra: Maybe these two are our chance.

[gurgling]

To be remembered.

The way we deserve.

[Deadpool] Yes.

Elektra: An ending.

-Blade: Legacy.
- [Deadpool] Yes!

Deadpool: Yes! Let this man cook.

This is what I'm talking about.

Big slow-motion fights, sad music.

Everybody working together.

Who knows if you live or die?
That sorta thing.

- Who's ready?
- Blade: I was born ready.

[Deadpool] Yes!
Gambit?

Gambit; I ain't know my daddy, but I'm sure I shot out of his d*ck ready.

[Deadpool] Jesus Christ, that is graphic.

Gambit: Yeah. He was layin' them buttery nuts all up in my mama and I shot out there and I said, "What's up, Doc?"

[Deadpool laughs]
Johnny must have loved you.

X-23, what's it gonna be?

Laura: The name's Laura.

- Let's f*cking go.
- [Deadpool] Let's f*cking go!

Gambit: It's on like chicken and corn.

- [Deadpool] Yeah!
- Elektra: We're doing this.

Logan: You're all f*ck' dead.

[Deadpool] My God!
Read the room.

[crickets chirping]

[exhales]

Hey, hey. I'm not lookin' for company. Get out of here.

You remind me of him.

Angry. Drunk. Mean...

- Sounds like a great guy...
- Wasn't finished.

Showed up when it mattered the most.

Couldn't help it.

[sighs]

You might not know it, but... you're a good man, Logan.

[chuckles]

You might not know it, but apparently,

I'm the worst Logan.

I got to have a life because of you.

I got to grow up because of you.

A lot of kids did.

A lot of kids didn't grow up because of me.

Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.

That suit says different.

- Yeah. Do you like it?
- Mm.

Scott used to beg me to wear it.

So did Jean, Storm, Beast.

All of them.

They wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn't.

Told 'em they all look f*cking ridiculous. I mean...

I couldn't have 'em thinkin' I wanted to be there.

And then one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came... and went mutant hunting.

I can guess the rest.

No, no, let me...

Let me say it. I...

I need to say it.

By the time I stumbled home shitfaced from the bar, it was too late.

They were dead. Every...
[stifling sob]

[♪ mournful music playing]

This suit's all I got to remind me of who they were.

And what I did.

[sniffles]

Laura: We're headed to Cassandra's at sunup.

Logan: Have fun. Not my fight.

Laura: We won't pull this off without you.

Logan: Hey. Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.

Laura: You were always the wrong guy.

[♪ mournful music continues]

[cell phone ringing]

What?

Pyro: Alioth didn't get them.
[sniffs]

Cassandra wanted to play with them herself first.

They got away.

- Did they find the others?
- No.

Paradox: Good. All right. Phew.

- The others found them.
- Paradox: Oh, very cute.

Well done, Pyro. Classic bait and switch.

- You really got me there.
-Pyro: Relax.

If they come after Nova, she'll handle it.

Paradox: Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.

Why do you think we put her there in the first place?

Thank God she's never chosen to leave The Void.

The Time Ripper is hours away from completion.

I cannot take any chances.

Pyro: Well, maybe not.

But I can.

For a price.

Paradox; Why do you have to say it in that silly voice?

It's so icky.

- Pyro: You want it done or not?
-
Paradox: All right. Your price.

Take her out.

Ugh. Mutants.

[♪ hip-hop music plays, T.I. "Bring 'Em Out"]

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ It's hard to yell when the bar-rel's in your mouth ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ Swizzy! ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ T-I-P, coming live from the V.I.P. ♪

♪ Heard the nightlife lost life without me ♪

♪ Both the feds and the state wanna see 'bout me ♪

♪ The whole city got biz-zerk, he got three... ♪

Gambit: Ooh! Look at that there!

You see them biggum hands come closed.

Ain't not a wonna gettin' up inside there.

[Deadpool] I think what Gambit's trying to say is getting Juggernaut's helmet ain't gonna be easy.

I'm just making stuff up at this...

- Yeah. Tilt up to Blade.
- Blade: g*n!

♪ Mississippi to Philly, Albuquerque to Chatt-Town ♪

♪ If I hit you in the face, you gon' be suing and sh*t ♪

[Deadpool] Where'd he get that little beauty?

Elektra: That's Punisher's AT4.

Deadpool: Which Punisher? There's been, like, five of them.

Blade: There's only been one Blade, and there's only ever gonna be one Blade.

♪ Who got a flow and a live show better than mine? ♪

♪ I got a packed house yellin' ♪

Incoming!

Ahhh!

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ Ayy, from the back, they yellin ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ Ayy, all the dope boys yellin' ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ Ayy, from the back, they yellin ♪

- [♪ song stops]
- [fire roaring]

[tires screeching]

♪ Mic check, one-two, one-two ♪

♪ You wanna beef with the King? ♪

♪ What is you gon' do? ♪

♪ Will you show up on the scene with two g*ns drew? ♪

♪ Or you and your friend and play a little two-on-two? ♪

♪ If you knew half of what I knew ♪

♪ Then you'd be hitting the deck ♪

♪ I got a tool and a vest ♪

♪ I can get some respect ♪

♪ Yeah, what other Southern rapper hood-er than this? ♪

♪ I got rich, and I'm still on some hooligan sh*t ♪

♪ Standing in your front yard yellin' ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ Ayy, all my hot girls yellin' ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

♪ Ayy, all the dope boys yellin' ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

[♪ song stops]

[♪ song resumes]

♪ Hands in the air now! ♪

♪ Hands-hands in the- in the air-air now! ♪

♪ I can't hear you! ♪

♪ Bring 'em out, bring 'em out ♪

[♪ song ends]

Blade; Ooh, this is gonna be good.

Gambit: You know how long I've been waiting for this?

Whoo! I'm about to make a name for myself here.

Logan: I don't think you guys walk away from this.

Gambit: You just make sure people know what happened here today.

And when you get out of here, you have a drink for me, yeah?

Blade: You just stay on our six and get inside.

We'll make sure you get the package.

Elektra; And we'll get our ending.

[♪ thrilling music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

[all yelling]

[♪ epic music playing]

[all grunting]

[groans]

[electrical roar and hum]

[crackling]

Gambit: And boom!

[all grunting]

[laughs, grunts]

[♪ music stops]

Blade: Heh. Some m*therf*ckers still trying to ice skate uphill.

[henchmen yelling]

[slurps]

[footsteps]

Cassandra: You two escaping, I could live with.

But coming back? Willingly?

Boys are so silly.

[Deadpool]
I just need to get home.

Cassandra: Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.

It's death or enslavement.
A la carte, of course.

- Upsy-daisy.
- [grunting]

Finally, it's nice to give someone else a chance to talk.

Wolverine: Not my strong suit.

[groaning and grunting]

[straining]

[yells]

[exhales]

Gambit; You shouldn't have done that.

[grunts]

[groaning]

[grunting]

[yells]

[growls]

[screams]

Laura: Adios, pendejo.

[yells]

Cassandra: You are an interesting one, aren't you?

I do feel like you get lost behind all of his...

[imitates yapping]

Deadpools are a dime a dozen here in The Void.

But you...

What's going on in here?

[groaning]

[screaming]

- [screaming stops]
- [leaves rustling]

[distant female voice] Logan!

[Cassandra] Interesting...

Not what I expected back here.

Behind the anger.

You're hiding.

- From them.
- [sighs]

From all the ones you let down.

So much pain.

Logan: I walked away.

They called after me and I...

I walked away.

I always do.

- [child] Logan!
- Cassandra: I know.

That's not all you did.

Is it?

- [groans]
- [flesh squelches]

You found them.

The X-Men.

[distant screaming]

Wolverine: Dead.

[♪ mournful music playing]

Piled like wood.

[Cassandra] What did you do?

Logan: I started k*lling.

And I couldn't stop.
I didn't wanna stop.

[Cassandra] All those bad men.

[groans]

Logan: It's not just the bad ones.

Cassandra: My little animal.

Logan: And I turned the whole world against the X-Men.

Laura: Blade!

Logan; Just once...

I wanna be the man that Charles thought I was.

Cassandra: Logan... in The Void, you can be what you are.

Logan: I just wanna be free.

Cassandra: I can set you free.

[panting]

[yelps]

I can silence all those voices.

[silence falls]

[exhales]

I've got you.

I've got you.

Logan: No.

I got you.

[indistinct whining]

[grunting in pain]

[gasps]

[yelling]

[Cassandra grunts] Get it off!

[Deadpool]
You're gonna send us home, or I'm gonna twist your f*cking head off.

- [laughs]
- Why are you laughing?

Cassandra: I can't send you home unless you get this thing off my head.

And as soon as you do that,

I'm going to boil your brains on an atomic level whilst flicking my bean to the Enya box set.

[Deadpool]
There's an Enya box set?

Cassandra: Either you k*ll me or I k*ll you.

Both wonderful options.

[Deadpool]
You want me to do it?

Logan: No, I'll do it.

[Deadpool] I have her neck right here.

- It's really no problem.
Logan: You'll screw it up.

[Deadpool]
Oh, come on, Mr. PG-13, except the last one!

- [g*nshots]
- What the f*ck?

- [gasping]
- [chuckles] Pyro: You have no idea what it's like!

Day after day.
Shovel the sh*t.

Fetch the meats.

I have spent my entire exis...

Logan: Not everyone gets a speech.

- [groaning]
- She's gonna die.

[Deadpool] Okay. Hey, hey.
If I take this helmet off, do you promise you won't k*ll us?

- f*ck!
- [Cassandra] I promise...

I will k*ll you first thing.

[Deadpool] Oh!
Why are you like this?

Cassandra: I wish I knew.

- Wolverine; Take it off.
- [Deadpool] What?

- Logan: Take it off.
- [Deadpool] Why?

- Just take it off.
-Deadpool: This is our only chance

- to fix our sh*t!
-Logan: Take it off!

I am wearing this suit.

And that means a lot of things, but most of all... it means I'm an X-Man.

And I know your brother.

As much as I want to f*cking k*ll you, every bone in my body wants to f*cking k*ll you, he would not let me stand here and watch you die!

Take your hands off.
This is for him.

This is for Charles.

[Cassandra panting]

[exhales deeply]

- [grunts]
- [Deadpool] Hey, no, no, no!

Don't you dare do me like Johnny!

Cassandra: My brother loved you.

Wolverine: He loved all of us.

Cassandra: Hmm.

Must be nice.

Logan: He would've loved you, too.

If he knew about you... if he knew where you were, he would've torn a hole in the f*cking universe to bring you home.

Cassandra: This is my home.

Logan: Well, then at least let us save his.

Cassandra: You want to hear something crazy?

An amateur magician rolled through here a while back.

I k*lled him, of course.

Wore his skin around for four days.

But I found this little trinket on his lovely fingers.

[Deadpool] Strange!

[Deadpool gasps]

- Marvel sparkle circle.
- [Wolverine] What is that?

Cassandra: This is your way home.

I do owe you for saving my life.

But let's keep things interesting.

I'd say you have about four seconds before you're Alioth's food.

[Alioth growling]

[Deadpool chuckles] Race ya.

[♪ slow jazz plays, Jimmy Durante "I'll Be Seeing You"]

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In all the old familiar places ♪

♪ That this heart of mine embraces ♪

♪ All day through ♪

♪ In that small cafe ♪

- ♪ The park across the way ♪
- [screaming]

♪ The children's carousel ♪

♪ The chestnut trees, the wishing well ♪

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In every lovely summer's day ♪

[screams]

♪ I'll find you in the morning sun ♪

♪ And when the night is new ♪

♪ I'll be looking at the moon ♪

♪ But I'll be seeing you ♪

[Alioth snarls]

[Peter] And as I said, we've got a standard three-year bumper to bumper warranty.

Glad you gave us a second chance.

And don't worry.
Wade and I are a team, so I'll see he gets half the commission...

[all gasp]

- [Deadpool groans]
- Whoa.

[Deadpool]
That feels like a Kia.

It's a f*cking Kia Carnival, isn't it? [groans]

Holy sh*t. That's Deadpool.

And that's Wolverine.

[Deadpool]
You're damn straight it is.

Fox k*lled him.

Disney brought him back.

They're going to make him do this till he's 90.

Let's go.

[Peter] I'll clock you out!

[Deadpool] Forever!

Peter: Forever.

Cassandra: Wakey-wakey.

- [snorts] God?
- [chuckles]

Cassandra: Now, you put all these b*ll*ts in my belly, and I'm gonna find out why.

Pyro: Whoa, whoa!

I'll just say it.

You don't have to stick your fingers in me.

Jesus, just ask sometimes.

Cassandra: Fine.

Pyro: Really?

Cassandra; Hands in pockets.

[breathing heavily]

Pyro: Guy named Paradox.

He said he'd get me out of The Void.

All I know is he works for the TVA.

The TVA.

We had an agreement.

Pyro: I don't think this guy cares.

Huh. He will.

Paradox: Hey, people!

How much longer before the Time Ripper is active?

We're running the final safety checks.

Paradox: Oh, okay. All right.
Thanks for all your hard work, Ralph.

- Take your time.
- Really?

Paradox: No, you drooling boob!

No! We have company.

Cancel the safety checks.
We need to be live now!

Oh, I hate you so much.

No! Stop!

Piss off! You're too late.

- Wolverine: You're f*ck' done.
- Deadpool: Why was Thor crying?

[Mr. Paradox] How dare you!

No one comes back from The Void.

Wolverine: Tell that to Cassandra Nova.

[♪ choral music playing]

Pyro; Paradox. We have a problem.

[bones snap]

[Cassandra] Paradox.

Well, you are doughier than you looked in Pyro's head.

You tried to k*ll me.

Paradox: I literally have no i...

[Cassandra]
You come for the king, you better k*ll the king.

[Deadpool] Oh-h*-h*!

Welcome to the skull f*ck club, Paradox.

You know she doesn't wash that hand.

- Oh.
- [grunting strainfully]

Cassandra: What's this?

A Time Ripper?

Naughty boy.

[Deadpool] Oh, no.
We're on it.

We're gonna head down and dismantle that thing now.

We got ya, boo.
You just keep playing those keys.

Cassandra: I don't want to destroy it.

I want to use it.

Now, shoo. Mummy and Daddy are having a conversation.

[both yelling]

[groans]

You know, the funny thing is, I was happy in The Void.

You sent your trash to me.
Alioth and I cleaned it up.

Everyone was happy.

And then you had to go and piss on my side of the fence.

And so now the fence must come down.

I'm going to use your little Time Ripper.

And I'm going to destroy this universe and the next and the next and the next until all that's left is The Void.

And I get to play God.

- Come on.
- [Mr. Paradox groans]

Now you're going to show me how to use this fancy gadget of yours.

And don't worry, I've called some friends to make sure we're not disturbed.

- [knock at door]
- Tva agent: Sorry to bother, madam, but there's something you need to see.

We're getting indications of an unsanctioned Time Ripper activating on Earth-10005.

B 15: Whose district is that?

Paradox.

[Mr. Paradox gasps, exhales]

Cassandra: Well, thank you so much for your help, darling.

God. Good to get out of that head.

Whew! What a mess!

[both groaning]

[Deadpool] Stop!

Let's give it a beat for the extras to clear.

Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God!

- Oh. My. God.
-Wolverine: f*ck.

[♪ classic rock music plays, "Make Me Lose Control"]

[Deadpool] It's her!

- Come on, girl!
- [Dogpool barks]

[barks]

♪ Was love always this good ♪

♪ Or could this be just the start? ♪

Deadpool: Come on, girl!

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Turn the radio up for that sweet sound ♪

♪ Hold me close, never let me go ♪

♪ Keep this feelin' alive... ♪

That's my girl!

We don't have to be apart ever, ever again.
Never, ever...

- Nicepool: Sorry!
- [Deadpool] f*ck!

[♪ song stops]

What's Cafe Gratitude doing here?

- Sorry about that.
- [Dogpool whimpering]

[Deadpool] Tremble not, sweet Mary Puppins.

[whispers] I'll handle him.

Nicepool: Come here, girl.
Papa's here.

[Deadpool] Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy.

She can decide who her papa is.

What's it gonna be, girl, huh?

Original recipe or Van Milder here?

Nicepool: Ah, that's funny. I can gently tap the fourth wall too.

The Proposal.

[Deadpool] The f*ck was that?

b*tch, you think that's what I do?

Wolverine: Both of you shut up.

- [sniffs]
- Deadpool: You smell somethin'?

Wolverine; Yeah, you.

- [sniffs]
- A lot of you.

[♪ dramatic mysterious music playing]

[tink]

Nicepool: Told you there were a lot of Deadpools over there.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[Deadpool] That's bad.

[neck cracks]

[♪ music fades out]

Wolverine: I take it they're not friendly.

[Nicepool] Goodness, no.

Sorry about this, boys. Mission over.

Cause of death, one hundred k*ll-thirsty Deadpools.

Deadpool: They're dumb.

Nicepool: But they can fight.
Not me, though.

Would love to get in the mix, but I have low bone density and I have to keep my face safe.

[Deadpool smooches]
Hold, please.

- Oh, God.
- [Deadpool] All right. Look.

Guys!

Deadpool Prime here.

- Our fight isn't with you...
- [kid] Hey!

When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's d*ck out of your mouth.

Nicepool: That's Kidpool.
She's the dirtiest.

[Deadpool]
Can we just be done?

[Ladypool] Ooh, we're just getting started.

[Deadpool] No, no, no, no, no.

With the whole multiverse thing.

It's not great.

It's just been miss after miss after miss.

Look, The Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first, and they did it best.
The gays knew it.

But we didn't listen.

Let's just take the L and move on.

Nicepool: I think it's been steadily great since Endgame.

[Ladypool]
What are you talking about?

The multiverse is over.

[Cowboypool]
Cassandy gonna destroy the f*ck outta every timeline.

Heh. Y'all can't do sh*t about it.

[Deadpool] Do you not get it?

If we don't go down to the subway and stop her, we all die.

[Cowboypool]
Say, the boss lady don't want no disturbances.

You wanna get down to the subway, you gotta go through us.

U*i time, baby.

[Ladypool] U*i time, baby.

[Deadpool] Look alive!

[Headpool yells]

[grunts]

- I think I'm hit.
- [Wolverine] No sh*t.

You did that on purpose.

[Deadpool]
I did no such thing!

Listen to me, gorgeous.

How long does it take for you to regenerate?

Nicepool: Regenerate?

- [crow caws]
- [Dogpool grunts]

[retches]

Wolverine: You really are God's perfect idiot, aren't you?

-Nicepool: I'm okay.
- [Deadpool] How dare you!

You insensitive son of a b*tch!

How was I supposed to know he doesn't regenerate?

I'm not a medicine woman.

Look. A donut cart.
They're practically hospitals.

- What?
- [Deadpool] They sell

- portable triage units.
- Wolverine: They don't.

[Deadpool] I'm gonna get you to safety.

Wolverine:- He's not.
- [Deadpool] Deep breath.

[panting]

Nice pool: Hey, why are we stopping?

[Deadpool]
I'm just catching my breath.

What, are your legs on vacation? You're dead weight!

Nicepool: That's because I'm paralyzed.

[Deadpool] We all have problems.
Listen to me.

You're gonna live.

Look at me, Nicepool.

[g*nf*re continues]

You're gonna live.

Say it!

Nicepool: I'm gonna live.

Deadpool: Say it with me.
You're gonna live.

[fumbling] I'm gonna live!

[Deadpool] Ha-hah!
Say it louder!

Nicepool: I'm gonna live...

[g*nf*re]

Hold your fire!

Sweet little puppy.

[Deadpool grunting]
God damn it!

I don't think he's gonna make it.

God, he loved his face.

I can taste his final thought.

He was so afraid.

But he died a hero.

Wolverine; He died from m*rder, you dumb f*ck.

[Deadpool] And all I have to remember him by are these two gold-plated, ...50 caliber Desert Eagle pistoleros.

This is for him.

Are you ready?

Wolverine: I get to k*ll a hundred yous?

f*ck yeah, I'm ready.

Hey, you don't want to see this, bub.

[Deadpool] That's a good girl.

[♪ '80s pop music plays, Madonna "Like a Prayer"]

♪ Life is a mystery ♪

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪

♪ I hear you call my name ♪

♪ And it feels like ♪

♪ Home... ♪

[Deadpool] Holy sh*t.

You save the good stuff for special occasions?

Wolverine: k*lling, mostly.

[Deadpool]
What's the wind resistance on those blowjob handles?

- [grunts]
- [laughs] Deadpool: I'm sorry.

I'm just a catty b*tch when I'm jealous.

All right, let's do this.

Maximum effort.

[♪ song pauses]

[Deadpools yelling]

- [♪ song resumes playing]
- [all grunting]

♪ When you call my name It's like a little prayer ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees I want to take you there ♪

♪ In the midnight hour I can feel your power ♪

♪ Just like a prayer You know I'll take you there ♪

♪ Life is a mystery ♪

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪

♪ I hear you call my name ♪

You're dead.

♪ And it feels like ♪

[Deadpools yelling]

♪ Let the choir sing ♪

♪ When you call my name It's like a little prayer ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees I wanna take you there ♪

♪ In the midnight hour I can feel your power ♪

♪ Just like a prayer You know I'll take you there ♪

Blind Al: m*therf*cker.

I wish I were deaf.

♪ I'll take you there ♪

♪ It's like a dream to me ♪

♪ Oh oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Just like a prayer, I'll take you there ♪

♪ Oh yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's like a dream to me ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ It's like a prayer... ♪

[crying Deadpool] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna...

[♪ outro music playing]

- [♪ song ends]
- [Deadpool grunts]

[Deadpool] Come on.

Oh, I blew it.

After all that, the only thing they're gonna remember is that God-awful dismount!

[giggling]

What you laughing at, you little f*ck?

[Babypool] Uh-oh.

[Deadpool] Uh-oh.

[Babypool cooing]

[Babypool giggling]

Deadpool: I guess these ones regenerate.

Come on. We don't have time for this.

[Peter] Deadpools!

Stand down.

[♪ heroic music playing]

This Deadpool's with me.

[Deadpool] Oh, no.

[Ladypool] Holy sh*t.

[Kidpool]
That's f*ck' Peter!

[Deadpools cheering]

[Deadpool] Wait, you.. You guys know Peter?

[Ladypool] You kidding me?
Every Deadpool has a Peter.

[Cowboypool] sh*t.
Peter's a g*dd*mn legend in every Deadpool's world.

Peter-san. Hai.

[Deadpools cheering]

[Peter laughs]

[Deadpools chanting]
Peter. Peter. Peter.

Peter. Peter. Peter.
Peter. Peter. Peter.

- Peter. Peter. Peter.
- [Peter laughing]

[Deadpool] Enjoy my Peter.

- [♪ tense music playing]
- [Time Ripper thrumming]

[Time Ripper whirring]

Paradox: Oh, now you're here.

Oh, well, you're too late.
It's all over.

Wolverine: Not yet, it's not.

[Deadpool] Whoa. No, no, no.
We're very close.

Homestretch, folks. Promise.

Quick, let's up the stakes.

If she steals the Time Ripper's energy, she has the power to shred the fabric of all realities until there is nothing left but The Void.

How do we shut it down?

Paradox: I don't know.

[Mr. Paradox grunts]

[Wolverine] How about now?

[Deadpool] The mask is really intimidating, huh?

It's like Batman, except he can move his neck.

Paradox: Okay, look, look, look.

The Ripper is fed from a secure chamber below ground.

It is powered by twin matter and anti-matter feeds converging inside the device.

Now, Cassandra Nova is redirecting the Ripper's power to eliminate all timelines, starting with this one.

Theoretically, you could stop her by short-circuiting the feeds in the chamber below.

One of you were to create a circuit between the two feeds, then the released power would destroy the machine.

- But, well... But...
- [Deadpool] Come on, man.

If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.

Paradox: Whoever formed the bridge would be annihilated.

I could live with that.

[Deadpool] Yeah, I could live with that, too, actually.

You know, we survive anything.
We're like c*ck.

- [Deadpool chuckles]
- [Mr. Paradox] Not this time.

This is matter and anti-matter.

They do not play nicely with each other.

When they mix in your body, you will be atomized.

Trust the laws of physics if you don't trust me.

Even if you lived long enough to make the circuit, you will die down there.

[crackling]

[♪ dramatic choral music playing]

[moaning]

[Wolverine] Hold off. Hold.

You heard that as*h*le upstairs.

Even if we pull this off, we're dead. Permanently.

- Deadpool:That's why it's got to be me.
- Wolverine: What?

Deadpool: Look, man... [panting] you didn't ask for any of this.

You were right.

I lied.

I lied right to your face just to get you to help me.
And you did.

Logan: You didn't lie.

You made an educated wish.

Come on.

You got a whole world to go back to.

I got nothin'.

I got nothin'.

Give me this.

Deadpool: Hey.

I waited a long time for this team-up.

You know something?

You were the best Wolverine.

[♪ sentimental music playing]

Wolverine: Say hi to your friends for me.

[Wolverine grunts]

No!

Open the door!

[Deadpool] I can't hear you over all the noble sacrifice.

Logan; Why are you f*cking doing this?

[Deadpool]
Because I'm Marvel Jesus.

Or Spock.

Hard to say.

[glass squeaks]

[smooches]

[Wolverine] Wade!

You f*cking idiot!

[Deadpool laughs]
Sorry, I'm just stalling.

I think I'm nervous about dying.

Logan: This should be me.

[Deadpool] Say hi to my friends for me, peanut.

[Wolverine] Wade!

You want to be an annoying prick, do it this side!

You're gonna die in there, you dumb f*ck!

[breathing heavily]

Hey! You don't need to do this.

[Deadpool] I'm not doing it 'cause I need it.

I'm doing it because they do.

[grunts]

[straining]

No!

[grunting]

[straining]

[grunts]

[straining]

[exhales]

[continues straining]

Paradox: He's not gonna make it.

[ Deadpool strains]

Paradox: It's over.

[grunts]

[straining]

[continues straining]

[screaming]

[choir]
♪ When you call my name ♪

♪ It's like a little prayer ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ I want to take you there ♪

♪ In the midnight hour I can feel your power ♪

♪ Just like a prayer You know I'll take you there ♪

[grunting]

♪ Take you there ♪

♪ Life is a mystery ♪

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪

[straining]

- ♪ I hear you call my name ♪
- [grunting]

- ♪ And it feels like ♪
- [straining]

- ♪ And it feels like home ♪
- [straining]

[rumbling]

[yelling]

[screaming]

[♪ music fades]

[Deadpool] The Wolverine.

He's a hero in my world.

[Wolverine] Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.

[Laura] You were always the wrong guy... till you weren't.

♪ Life is a mystery ♪

[Mr. Paradox] Wade.

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪

Wade. You can finally, finally matter.

♪ I hear you call my name ♪

♪ And it feels like ♪

♪ Home ♪

[straining]

♪ I hear your voice ♪

Wade: Vanessa.

♪ It's like an angel sighing ♪

Wade: I wanna see Vanessa.

♪ I have no choice I hear your voice ♪

♪ Feels like flying ♪

Wolverine: For the first time in my life, I am proud to wear this suit.

It means I'm an X-Man.

I am the X-Man.

♪ I can feel your power ♪

♪ Just like a prayer You know I'll take you there ♪

[screaming]

♪ When you call my name It's like a little prayer ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

[screaming]

♪ In the midnight hour I can feel your power ♪

♪ Just like a prayer ♪

♪ You know I'll take you, take you, take you ♪

[♪ song fades out]

[♪ solemn music playing]
B 15: Paradox.

You've been busy.

Paradox: Well, somebody had to be.

B -15: We had some strange readings from this location.

You wouldn't know anything about an unsanctioned Time Ripper, would you?

Paradox: Uh, no. No. I wouldn't know anything about an unsanctioned Time Ripper.

Maybe you should ask Cassandra Nova.

Because I was assured that she was safely held in The Void. But no, she was here. And she f*ndled my brain.

- How did you let this happen?
- B -5: You weren't involved at all?

Paradox: In stopping her, yes!
Yes, I was.

But not nearly enough.

Not as much as the men who went down there after her.

My men.

My friends.

I warned them.

That they would be completely obliterated if they went.

But they went anyway. Like...

Like heroes.

[♪ somber music playing]

Because that's who they were.

They just did what they had to do.

With no concern for their own safety.

The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism.

Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.

[Deadpool] He has risen, baby girl.

Paradox: f*ck!

♪ And I don't want the world to see me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand ♪

♪ When everything's made to be broken ♪

♪ I just want you to know who I am ♪

[Deadpool]
Found your new Anchor Being.

Logan: And we're doing just fine, you piece of sh*t.

- [female TVA agent] Mm.
- [male TVA agent] Mm-hmm.

Fine indeed.

[Deadpool] All right.
Put your greasy t*ts away, you preening sl*t.

- [sighs]
- Paradox: I don't understand.

How are you two still alive?

[Deadpool] You were right. One of us would have been k*lled.

- [gasps]
- But you put a Deadpool and a Wolverine together, make 'em hold hands while listening to Madonna... indestructible, m*therf*cker.

Let's get this Deadpool Variant back to The Void.

[Deadpool] Wait, hold on.
What?

[Peter] Nope. Actually... This one's homegrown, like me.

He belongs here.

B 15: And you are?

Peterpool.
But you can call me Peter.

And I hope that you do.

Paradox: What the f*ck is happening here?

B 15: You are under judgment for operating an unsanctioned Time Ripper.

- Take him.
Paradox: - I was just doing what you don't have the guts to do.

[Deadpool smooches]

Get your insolent hands off me! Get off!

B 15: I'm grateful, gentlemen.

Let's hold the bows.

You led an Omega-level mutant to this timeline.

- [Deadpool] You're welcome.
- B 15: And you shouldn't even be near this timeline.

- [Deadpool] He's welcome.
- B -15: And you look damn good in that suit.

I'm so sorry.

[device beeping]

I wanna show you something.

Something huge.

[Deadpool] That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.

B 15: Do you see that?

Your universe is regenerating.

Whatever you did here, you not only saved your world.

You spared your timeline from extinction.

I'd rest up.

I have a feeling your work is only just getting started.

[Deadpool whispers]
Till you're 90.

Wait! Um...

We couldn't have made it out of The Void without some help from some people that the world kind of... kind of forgot.

Is there any way that you could maybe find a way to bring them home?

B 15: I'll see what I can do.

[Deadpool] And, um, I promised my friend here that the TVA could undo some pretty awful sh*t in his timeline.

What would you say to that?

B 15: Change the past?

[Deadpool] Well, he did help me save the world.

B 15: And his past made him the man who did it.

There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson.

Logan.

- [Deadpool] Shawarma? Yeah.
- I could eat.

Wade: You know, the Avengers discovered shawarma.

Wolverine: They'd be lucky to have you.

[dog barking]

- Wade; Oh.
- Oh, come on.

f*ck off!

Come here, my little cunchkin.

- [Dogpool barks]
- Yes, it's you.

You're a survivor.

Mwah.

Oh, all is right in the world.

Yes, it is.

So what are you gonna do next?

Logan: I'll figure it out.
I always do.

Wade: All right.

So I'll probably see you around?

[♪ soul music playing, "You're All I Need to Get By"]

Logan: Probably not.

See you, bub.

[Wade] Logan.

Al. I'm back.

Blind Al: About damn time.

You holdin'? I'm all outta devil's dandruff, and I'm shaking like an angry vibrator.

Wade: Thank you, Al.
We have company.

Althea, this is...

This is Logan.

-Blind Al: Nice to meet you, Logan.
- Logan: Nice to meet you, too.

Wade: And this little ancient a**l sh*t-knot is Mary Puppins.

Or as I like to call her, Dogpool.

You want to treat yourself to a little stroke?

- Get the tongue. There it is.
- Blind Al: Oh, my God! m*therf*cker!

Wade: Right? It's like an armadillo f*cked a gremlin, angrily,

- in a bed of gonorrhea...
- Wow.

...and didn't stop till the sun came up. [chuckles]

Everyone wants to matter.

Turns out that you don't need to be Marvel Jesus to do it.

You just need to open your eyes and look around.

And if you're lucky, you'll find a few friends.

Old friends, and some new ones too.

[laughter]

Logan: Give me the f*cking dog.
Talk to the girl.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- [both laugh]

[Wade clears throat]

Vanessa: You've been busy.

Wade: I did it for you.

And even if you don't want me, I... I did it for you.

Turns out, I am the world-saving type.

Just look around this table if you want proof.

And the best part?

Sometimes the people we save, they save us right back.

[♪ "You're All I Need to Get By" continues playing]

♪ We've got the right foundation ♪

♪ And with the love and determination ♪

♪ You're all, you're all I need ♪

♪ You're all ♪

♪ You're all I need to get by ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[♪ alt. rock music plays, Green Day "Time of Your Life"]

[Charles] You're not the only one with gifts.

What is this place?

♪ Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road ♪

♪ Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go ♪

[groans]

♪ So make the best of this test and don't ask why ♪

♪ It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time ♪

- Nice suit.
- Zip it, Stan Lee.

♪ It's something unpredictable ♪

♪ But in the end is right ♪

♪ I hope you had the time of your life... ♪

[laughter]

I really like the, uh... the art in the Deadpool comics.

You know, I just always felt a kind of a kinship to him.

And I just thought, I'd like to play that guy someday.

♪ So take the photographs and still frames in your mind ♪

♪ Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time ♪

♪ Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial ♪

♪ For what it's worth, it was worth ♪

- ♪ All the while ♪
- [applause]

[cheering]

♪ It's something unpredictable ♪

♪ But in the end is right ♪

♪ I hope you had the time of your life... ♪

I was there for three weeks before I shot a single thing.

At our first day of sh**ting, I was so nervous, man.

Everyone was sort of going, "Who's this guy?"

You know, there was a lot of that and, you know, "Is he gonna deliver or not?"

You can feel all that kind of pressure.

It's always the suit's fault.
Never the actor.

[screaming]

- This is...
- The only way.

♪ It's something unpredictable ♪

♪ But in the end is right ♪

♪ I hope you had the time of your life ♪

Ah, so this is what it feels like.

And there's the lights.

For medical research.

- Bye-bye, video. [smooches]
- [man] Bye.

[♪ song ends]

[♪ instrumental music playing]

[Deadpool] I'm tired of these absolutely vile rumors that I got Johnny k*lled.

Let's look at the tape.

In The Void, you're either food for Alioth or you work for her.

[Deadpool] Go on, Johnny.

Johnny: And I'll tell you who "her" is.

Cassandra Nova.

A megalomaniacal, psychotic as*h*le.

A finger licking dead-inside pixie slab of third rate dime-store nut-milk. And I'll tell you

- what she can do.
- [Deadpool] I'm listening.

She can lick my g*dd*mn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

In fact, I don't give a sh*t if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon.

If the last thing I do in this godforsaken c*m-gutter existence is light that f*ck-box on fire, I still won't die happy.

[Deadpool laughs]
Holy sh*t, girl. You crazy.

Johnny; That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk-f*cked the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut's juggernuts.

- [Deadpool] Wow!
- Johnny: And you can quote me.

[Deadpool] 'Kay.

Got you, f*ck.



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