Joe Rogan: Triggered (2016)

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome Joe Rogan.

What the f*ck is going on,

San Francisco?

Thanks for coming.

I appreciate it! God damn!

Put your phone down, f*ck!

I see you, b*tch!

Put your phone down!

m*therf*ckers.

They can't use their eyes.

Everybody's gotta live

through their g*dd*mn phone.

Whoo! I'm high as f*ck. Whoo.

It's strange.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna do

this sober. I'm like, "Ugh..."

It's not the move.

Not in San Francisco.

This is...

I love pot, but the people that are making

edibles need to slow the f*ck down.

Oh, my God!

What are you trying to do to people?

I had a pot gummy bear the other day.

I think we can all agree a gummy bear

shouldn't be able to steal your soul.

Right?

How the f*ck are these people

making these things, man?

They're not consistent.

That's also part of the problem.

You don't know what you're getting,

'cause they're not making them

the same place where they make Tylenol.

Nah, it's some greasy dude

with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on

and a gray ponytail.

He's got a bowl of ingredients,

and he can't remember

whether or not he put weed in yet.

This dude's time traveling,

just back and forth.

He just keeps chucking weed in there

until it looks like lawn trimmings.

You eat it,

and it's not what you're looking for.

It's not regulated.

You gotta ask questions.

I asked a dude at the pot store.

I go, "Hey, man, how strong

are the gummy bears?"

He goes...

That's not a unit of measurement.

He's like, "El diablo. El diablo."

"f*ck, man. How much should I take?"

"Just the leg."

"Just the leg?

Why are you selling whole bears?

What the f*ck are you trying

to prove, man?"

They just watch you leave with that bear.

They go, "Oh, sh*t."

They know.

They know you're not gonna die.

You're gonna think you're gonna die,

but everybody lives.

Learn some sh*t.

We learn some sh*t from the scary trips.

See, the thing about edibles,

one of the problems with it being ill*gal,

is that a lot of us don't have a lot

of information that we could use.

Like, there's a difference

between smoking it and eating it.

When you smoke it, you get THC.

But when you eat it,

it's processed by your liver,

and it produces something

called 11-hydroxy metabolite

that's five times more psychoactive

than THC.

And it lets you talk to dolphins.

This is a real moment

that changed my life.

I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat,

and we were fishing.

We were pulling these lines

behind the boat,

and I was so high,

I was trying to figure out

which way the Earth was spinning.

Like, the boat's going this way,

and the sun's up there.

I'm like, "Um..."

For like 20 minutes, I'm paralyzed.

So, while this is all happening,

these dolphins just show up.

And if you've ever been around

wild dolphins, they're very trippy.

It's very different than you expect,

because they look at you.

They, like, check you out.

They, like, pop out of the water

and they, like, look at you...

like a person,

not like a f*cking deer or woodchuck.

They look at you like another person.

Granted, I was so high

I thought I was gonna die, but...

I'm making eye contact

with these dolphins,

and I started thinking,

"How smart are these f*cking things?"

Because we're fishing.

Dolphins eat fish.

But you never catch dolphins.

Ever.

No one has ever gone fishing

and accidentally caught a dolphin.

And all I could think of

while these dolphins were, like,

hopping through the water,

and looking at us and sh*t...

I was thinking,

"If people lived in the water,

you'd f*cking catch 'em all day."

They wouldn't even have to live

in the water.

If cheeseburgers

just floated down Geary Street...

at least once a week, a guy would be like,

"I'm taking a chance."

And you see 'em getting yanked up

to the clouds.

"f*ck! We lost Billy!"

The bottom of his sneakers

in a puff of cloud.

You don't catch dolphins

on fishhooks, man.

That's weird.

They're around fishing all the time

and like, "b*tch."

They're f*cking smart. How smart?

Well, I watched a dolphin documentary,

and it said they have a cerebral cortex

that's 40% larger than a human being's.

I don't know what that means, but if you

say it right and don't f*ck up the words,

it makes you sound smarter

than you really are.

I think what it means

is they have big f*cking brains.

But we don't think of them as being smart

'cause they don't do what we do. Right?

They don't send e-mails.

They don't have houses.

But if you lived in their world,

you don't need anything.

You don't need your fingers.

No one's typing.

They have a language that's so complex,

we can't understand it.

All the food's free.

They stay where the water's warm.

I started thinking,

"How f*cking smart are they?

What if they're exactly the same as us?

What if it's just some different branch

of evolution?

We went one way. They went the other.

What if consciousness is the same?"

I was thinking, "What if me to me

is the same as me to a dolphin?"

The way you think of yourself

when you say the word "me."

I was like, "What if that's exactly

how a dolphin feels?

They're just living life

through different biology,

different genetics,

different life experiences.

But if I lived a dolphin's life,

I would be him.

And if he lived my life, he would be me."

And then I started thinking,

"What if that's the case with people?

What if everyone is exactly the same?

We're just living life

through different bodies.

What if that's the secret of happiness?

Treat everyone

as if it's you living another life."

I mean...

And then I thought, "God damn, how good

is this weed I'm getting in California?

Whoo!

I'm on a f*cking floating craft out

in the middle of the ocean,

talking to water people."

The problem with treating everybody

as if it's you living another life

is you wanna f*cking smack yourself.

Half the people you meet,

you just wanna f*cking smack 'em.

We live in the weirdest time ever.

I mean, it's the most awesome time ever.

But it's the weirdest time ever, too.

We're, like,

that close to President Trump.

- No. Boo!

- "No. Boo!"

You boo, but you won't vote, you f*ck!

All those Bernie Sanders people,

"Yo, Bernie's the sh*t."

"Did you vote for him?"

"Voting ain't real, bro.

It doesn't even work, dude."

We are that close to President Trump.

Bill Cosby's a r*pist,

and Bruce Jenner's a chick.

We're in an episode of Lost.

Down is up and up is down!

This is the type of world you get

when you give kids participation trophies

for getting their a*s kicked

in soccer games.

This is the world we get!

We get a g*dd*mn Nerfed-up world

filled with nonsense.

Nobody wants to be president. Nobody.

I hope Hillary wins.

That way we can realize

chicks can't do that f*cking job either.

It's a stupid job.

It's a stupid job invented back

when people used to write with feathers.

It's dumb!

It's just some old-school sh*t

that we need to get rid of.

It doesn't make any sense.

Being president is great

if there's like 50 people.

If there's 50 people,

you can figure out which one's the best.

Three hundred million people?

I have three kids. I don't know

where the f*ck they are right now.

How is this one dude

in charge of 300 million people?

It's nonsense.

It's so old and stupid.

They make this guy sleep

in this f*cking White House.

If Trump wins, you know his house

is cooler than the White House.

He's like, "I'm not sleeping

in that shitty-a*s, stupid house."

Trump's probably got, like,

a tube at home that he opens up,

and a Chinese girl just pops out of it,

and sucks his d*ck and goes right back in.

That's what I would do

if I had that kind of money.

We're down to assholes!

Where's Elon Musk when you need him?

Where's the f*cking geniuses?

Where's Mark Cuban?

No. We got an old lady trying

to get back at her husband

for a blowjob he got in the '90s.

We got an old man who hates money.

And we got a reality TV star

with a plastic set of hair.

You can't have a president

with environmental concerns,

when every time

this m*therf*cker does his hair,

we lose a foot of ozone layer

and a polar bear bursts into flames.

He's got, like, a closet full

of Aqua Net at home.

You can't pretend you don't give a f*ck

when you have that thing going on, dude.

Stop that.

The White House got broken into

while Obama was in office.

The first time in over 100 years

that someone broke into the White House.

Also, the first time a girl

was guarding the front door by herself.

"What are you trying to say, that women

can't do everything men can do?"

Exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying.

That seems sexist, right?

People say, "You're sexist."

No, it's not sexist.

Here's why it's not sexist.

'Cause men can't even do

everything men can do.

See? There's no physical equality, folks.

That's why we have the Olympics.

'Cause there's people that can do

some sh*t that you and I can't do.

One of those things is guarding

the f*cking White House.

I know I can't guard the White House.

You know how I know?

Because I've met Shaquille O'Neal

and his d*ck is where my face is.

That's not equality.

That's not white privilege.

Listen, if the White House

is experiencing a Shaq Attack,

I'm the wrong dude to save the world.

I did Fear Factor with Shaq.

If we're holding hands, it'd be like

a six-year-old at the park with his dad.

We're barely the same thing.

So, do I think women should

guard the White House? No.

I don't think I should, either.

It's not sexist to say that women

can't do big physical labor things

as good as giant men can.

But people will tell you it is.

Well, I'm not sexist.

As a matter of fact,

my favorite people are all female.

I have a wife and I have three daughters.

They're my favorite people in the world.

But I could beat the f*ck out

of all of them.

Okay? Listen...

If they're guarding the door,

I'm getting in.

I don't mean to sound c*ck.

But I'm just real confident.

I could f*ck them up if I had the flu.

Okay?

Yeah, we're different. We're different.

I could beat up my cat, too.

I'm not proud of it.

I just tell you what's up.

If you wanna bet money, bet money on me.

I'll f*ck that cat up.

Most likely.

Cats are f*cking weird like that, man.

I was petting my cat once and he bit me.

I was like, "Whoa! Are we gonna do this?

What the f*ck are you doing here?"

I got a little nervous.

Got a little nervous.

"Women can do everything men can do.

This guy's a piece of sh*t. We're leaving.

Too much information is going in

that I don't agree with!"

"What the guy said was total bullshit.

Total bullshit."

How'd that girl get that job?

I'll tell you how that girl got that job.

Because someone let her have that job.

Which means, either there were a bunch

of guys that were trying to f*ck her...

or her boss was a chick and she hated her.

Either one's possible.

Look, if there was a bunch of guys

that were trying to f*ck her,

that makes total sense.

If there's one hot girl and she's working

with five guys in an office,

no work's getting done in that office.

That office is now just an audition

to see which guy gets to f*ck her.

Each one of those guys

will just slowly start to morph

to figure out what this girl likes.

Men become like an octopus that tries

to fit its way through a keyhole.

"There's gotta be a f*cking way.

There's gotta be a f*cking way!"

You got this girl who's like,

"I could guard the front door."

"Oh, you could definitely guard the door.

No doubt. No doubt."

And over time, if this woman doesn't sleep

with one of these men and claim him,

over time,

these guys will just start morphing.

And they'll just start saying ridiculous,

preposterous sh*t.

"Debbie wants to guard the front door.

Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, I don't. As a matter of fact,

I think women are amazing.

Plus, I'm vegan."

And they will just...

They will wear patchouli.

They will do what the f*ck

they have to do.

Next thing you know,

poor f*cking Debbie at the front door...

"Why am I alone?"

The whole story is so bananas.

And it's one of my favorite stories.

So I'm gonna give you the whole story

of the break-in at the White House

with no edits and no comic exaggerations.

This is the real story.

'Cause a lot of people think

there's some grand conspiracy.

There's some cabal of evil geniuses

that's pulling the strings

on everyone in America.

It's most likely that people

are just dumb as f*ck,

in all sorts of walks of life.

This is the story.

This is the real story about the person

who broke into the White House.

First of all, people are always worried,

"The government's

checking out my e-mails, bro.

The government's

watching us all the time."

They pulled this guy over two months

before he broke into the White House.

He had four handguns, two r*fles

and a machete with him.

They didn't even watch him.

He had a map.

On the map was Washington,

and it had an "X"

where the White House is.

They're like, "You're good to go."

They let him go!

Two months later, this m*therf*cker

broke into the White House.

And why did he break into the White House?

Why do you break

into the White House ever?

Because you want to die.

You don't... That's like a suicide run.

That's the only reason why someone

runs toward the White House.

If you had to ask someone,

"What kind of security

do you think they have

at the White House?"

"Oh, dude...

they got sn*pers on every corner.

They got lasers in the grass.

If you get too far, they open up a door,

you drop right into jail."

Nope. Turns out they

don't even have a dog.

You just f*cking run.

The guy who made it into the White House,

he had 800 rounds of ammunition

in his car.

Left that there. Took a knife.

That's a guy who wants to die!

He's just sitting

in his f*cking car going,

"f*ck the government!

f*ck my ex-wife! And f*ck everybody!

I'm gonna do this! f*ck you!"

Just sprinting, "Oh, my God, I'm doing it!

Oh, my God, I'm doing it!"

Thinking, with every step, "This is

gonna be the last step of my life.

No, this is gonna be the last step

of my life. No, this..."

And he gets to the front door.

It's unlocked!

He opens it.

There's a girl there by herself.

Smacks her to the ground

and just starts running through the hall.

Ah!

He's probably going, "Why am I alive?"

He's probably thinking... He was inside

for minutes. For minutes, running around.

He got tackled by an off-duty officer.

He was probably thinking,

"I wanted to die.

I don't want to go to f*cking jail.

Will somebody please sh**t me?"

Then he was probably pissed.

"Where are my tax dollars going?

What kind of security are you

f*cking people running in this place?"

Imagine when Obama found out

a girl was guarding him.

He was probably like, "Everybody,

everybody, not that much diversity.

I mean, what, are you playing

f*cking fairy tale games here?"

Obama's got a hard job,

'cause he's the first president that's

ever been around while Google was here.

You know,

he could Google his own name

if he gets crazy

in the middle of the night. Right?

"So, let me see what

the people have to say."

He'd just go, "Obama is a..."

"I'm none of those f*cking things."

Freakin' out. sh*t.

Probably thinking,

"Why the f*ck did I do this?"

I think the guy who broke into

the White House and Obama

probably have a lot in common.

In that... they went for it,

but they probably never really thought

they were getting in there.

You can't quit once you're the president.

The moment Obama actually got into office,

like, "Good morning, Mr. President,"

he was probably like, "Oh, no!

What the f*ck did I do this for?

I didn't think

I was actually gonna get in.

I can't sleep. I'm freaking out.

Everybody wants to k*ll me.

Who the f*ck is guarding me?"

Looks out in the hallway.

There's a girl taking selfies.

That'd be the greatest selfie of all time.

A girl with her a*s out, duck lips,

in the background, a dude's

breaking into the White House.

You know I'm not making this up.

You've all seen this.

This is recognizable.

Pigeon-toed is a good move

'cause you can't get away that good.

You just, like...

Like there's something wrong

with your back.

That's a recognizable pose.

When did that start?

'Cause if you look

at the original pictures

back when people first invented pictures,

everybody just stood there looking hungry.

Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s,

and in the background a girl was going...

She's a f*cking time traveler!

Nobody knew that move back then.

Somebody had to see their face.

"Oh, people like that.

They like what I'm doing."

Combo. A two-hole combo attractor.

It's all over online!

It gets you a lot of likes.

I saw a gal on Instagram,

she has eight million followers.

All she does is take pictures of her a*s.

That's it.

She's got a winning formula.

She sticks with it.

No witty memes.

There's no inspirational quotes.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Just a lot of this. Different ways.

And she's just a regular girl, man.

I'm watching this, I'm like,

"This is a different kind of person."

She has eight million people that have

no idea what her voice sounds like.

She doesn't have a job that they like.

She doesn't have an occupation

that they follow.

They're just staring at her a*s.

This is a new kind of human.

There's never been a person,

psychologically,

that's had to navigate

those kind of waters.

If you really stop and think about it,

science should really step in

and start looking at this.

Don't go to South America to study some

new frog that nobody gives a f*ck about.

There's a girl in Florida with

eight million people staring at her a*s.

How does this girl keep a relationship?

What is her day like?

How many d*ck pics does she get sent?

How many d*ck pics does

that girl receive on a daily basis?

Is it like the national debt counter

was just f*cking spinning

out of control constantly?

I bet if she turns on the notifications,

her phone just starts screaming

and runs away from her.

I bet if she deletes

all the d*ck pics from her phone,

it would be physically lighter.

This is a new kind of person.

We really have to understand, there's

never been a person like this before.

And she's just a person.

Like, that kind of influence,

that kind of attractant,

that's a very strong drug to have

in the hands of just a girl.

And as a guy who has daughters,

I just think of that, like,

that's kind of f*cking... That's weird.

Because this girl has

eight million people staring at her a*s.

Eight million creeps and weirdos

and perverts objectifying her.

I mean, I follow her,

but I'm not like those other assholes.

I'm different.

I care. I care about who she is.

I'm a nice person.

I'm a hero or something.

"I'm different.

Those other guys are assholes.

Men are noble. Men are noble and true."

Mmm. If we get to come.

If men don't get to come,

we get real Smagol-like real quick.

Just a few months of no dates,

"Mesus is just so disappointed

with all the mens mesus meets.

Mesus is so embarrassed

at how other mens talks to you. Mmm.

Oh."

Everyone wants to set themselves up

as being the noble one.

Everybody wants to be

Matthew McConaughey,

to save the world on a rocket ship.

There's people that are signing up

to go to Mars.

Do you know about this?

There's a mission to Mars,

a manned mission to Mars,

where 200,000 people have signed up to be

amongst the four people to die on Mars.

They're gonna take a one-way trip to Mars.

That's some sad sh*t

for a bunch of reasons.

First of all, it's some sad sh*t,

'cause that's 200,000 people

that don't have any real friends. Right?

If it's someone you love,

your real friend...

If one of my friends

is gonna move to Florida,

I'll be like,

"b*tch, where the f*ck are you going?

You're gonna go to Florida?

We can't hang out if you go to Florida.

Why the f*ck are you moving

to Florida, man?"

But you might be able to deal with it.

"We can just visit each other

every now and then."

But if your friend was gonna move to Mars,

you'd be like,

"Oh, really? Get in the f*cking car!

Just get in the car, dude."

Take him out to Death Valley,

"Look around!

Sucks, right?

Mars sucks worse.

Get back in the car, stupid."

Jesus Christ!

There's places in America

you can't live, man.

You don't wanna live in Detroit,

why the f*ck are you talking

about moving to Mars?

People really consider moving to Mars.

It's one of the dumbest ideas ever.

But if you say that,

people will eco-bro you.

Have you ever been eco-broed?

These people will find an opportunity

to virtue signal over you,

as Michael Shermer likes to point out.

Like, puff their chest out and say

that they're probably better than you.

"Hey, dude. Seriously?

You think there's something wrong

with going to Mars?

Well, I don't know

if you've paid attention, man.

We maybe should colonize Mars

'cause California's almost out of water."

Then he'll nod, like, "Yeah, b*tch."

We're right next to the ocean.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Look at all that water.

You fly over it, it takes a day.

The world's blue.

It's more water than it is not water.

We have a salt problem.

We don't have a water problem.

Suck the salt out of the water,

we got a g*dd*mn party.

Instead of pissing and moaning...

"Too complicated, bro.

We gotta go to Neptune."

Oh, my God! You're f*cking crazy.

We're a crazy race filled

with crazy people.

We're like a dude with a dirty house.

Like, "Man, I gotta build a new house."

No, you gotta stop sh1tting

in your kitchen.

Stop piling up newspapers

you're never gonna read

in front of your bathroom, you f*ck!

We're crazy!

One-way trip to Mars.

A one-way trip in coach

with three other people so f*cking stupid,

they're willing to die on Mars with you.

Great. What great conversation

you're gonna have.

It's nonsense, folks.

My friend was like,

"They're not gonna die on Mars, man.

If people are smart enough

to figure out how to get to Mars,

they're smart enough

to figure out how to get back."

Here's why that doesn't make any sense.

People smart enough to get to Mars

aren't going.

See, that's the dirty secret

about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen.

Nobody smart enough to make a rocket

ever gets in one of those f*cking things.

No. No, they look at each other

right before the launch and they go...

They talk German and they

get behind giant f*cking concrete bunkers.

They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude

from the middle of the country,

tuck a Bible under that dude's arm

and strap him into that giant metal d*ck,

and sh**t it off into the heavens.

That's what we do.

And that is what that is.

That is a metal d*ck.

It's a robot d*ck,

and we're trying to f*ck the sky.

We are literally trying to come people out

of the tip of a metal d*ck

onto other planets.

Our ultimate goal

is that we get those planets pregnant,

and they're too filled up with people,

and then they gotta make a new metal d*ck.

"Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter."

Then they make another one.

They sh**t that f*cking thing,

and they fill Jupiter up.

We just keep filling the cosmos up

with people.

And we never evolve.

And we never change.

We stay perfect, like we are right now.

Who's in?

You're gonna all come with me.

We're gonna leave here right now

and go to the Church of Scientology

right down the street,

and it's all gonna make sense

when you find out

that you are an eternal being that created

reality so that you can enjoy it.

I watched that HBO documentary

a couple too many times.

I went Clear, I think. I think I'm Clear.

I'm back! I'm back now.

If you haven't seen...

I had to watch Going Clear,

a Scientology documentary,

'cause I have a neighbor

who's a Scientologist,

and I don't even think he's g*y.

I don't know what the f*ck's going on.

But he sleeps really close to me,

you know.

Like, my bed's here, this f*cking dude's

bed's, like, over there. His house is...

I mean, if you take away the walls,

he's f*cking right there.

It's like,

"What does this crazy f*ck believe?"

And Scientology is a wonderful religion.

Not just because it was written

by a science fiction author

who wrote more fake sh*t

than anyone that's ever walked

the face of the Earth.

And not by a small amount.

This dude never made a second draft

in his f*cking life.

Everything was one draft of nonsense.

And he wrote more of it than anybody.

Not in his neighborhood, not in his state,

not in a year, not in a decade.

More than anyone that's ever lived, ever.

And Scientology is still like,

"I don't see any red flags.

I think we're good.

I think this is legit as f*ck."

If Scientology is a good religion,

it's because other religions

get to make fun of 'em.

It's like it's the one religion

that even the Mormons are like,

"b*tch, you believe what?

Hold on. I mean, at least

we don't have video of Joseph Smith.

There's some f*cking shitty

black and white footage

of L. Ron Hubbard

with a captain's outfit on.

You wanna explain that?

Why does he have all those awards on?

Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal

the size of a dinner plate?

What the f*ck is going on

with you people?"

I watched it with my mom,

and it was like...

First of all, Scientology,

they don't pay taxes.

That's disturbing. They're tax-free,

which means they're a recognized religion

by the government of the United States.

Which means the government

of the United States

had to go over what they believe

and went, "Everything seems in order.

None of this sh*t seems like a cult."

Well, what the f*ck is a cult,

and what's a religion?

So I had to look it up.

Turns out... I don't know who wrote this,

but it's a perfect definition.

A cult is bullshit.

It's created by one person.

That person knows it's bullshit.

In a religion, that dude's dead.

So it's a religion

'cause L. Ron Hubbard's dead.

So I guess they got it on a loophole.

I watched it with my mom,

and my mom was like, "I can't believe

anybody would fall for that."

"You made me go to Catholic school.

The f*ck are you talking about?

There was a child molester dressed like

a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne,

and you made me call him Father.

Slow your roll, lady."

Imagine if I talked to my mom like that.

Oh, my God.

Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

I don't have a problem

with people being religious

because I just think life itself

is too open-ended.

It's too confusing.

And I think we're evolving.

And part of our struggle in evolving

is unanswered questions.

We wanna seek these answers.

But in the meanwhile,

they just give you so much anxiety,

and it f*ck with you so much.

There's nothing wrong with joining a cult.

I think you gotta just join

a nice, friendly one.

Like, the Mormons are a good cult.

Here's why.

They don't get mad at anybody.

Like, they never k*ll anybody.

Like, here's a perfect example.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker,

the guys who created South Park,

they made a hilarious musical called

The Book of Mormon.

It's fantastic.

If you haven't seen it,

it's so f*cking hilarious.

But it's also brutal!

Brutal about the Mormons.

You know what the Mormons did?

They went to see it, and they took out

a full-page ad in the playbill.

It said, "If you enjoyed this musical

and you wanna find out more

about being a Mormon,

please visit our website."

They just took it right on the chin

like champs.

They didn't get mad.

They didn't get defensive.

They didn't k*ll anybody.

That's a good cult.

They just said, "What do you wanna do?"

"We got nine wives. Shut the f*ck up!"

"Everybody just...

Everybody, just chill. Just chill."

That's a good religion.

That's a good cult.

Some cults aren't that good.

They get f*cking testy. You know the one.

We don't have to say who.

You know what I'm talking about.

There's that one that will k*ll you

if you draw their guy.

"Come on, man.

I can't even draw your dude?

What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?"

"No loopholes!"

"f*ck' relax, bro."

And this isn't just theoretical.

People have died

'cause they made cartoons.

Before the most recent Paris attacks,

there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo,

and they were attacked,

where 11 cartoonists were k*lled.

Eleven more were wounded,

and they k*lled a cop, too.

f*cking crazy! Over cartoons!

And when you...

When there's radical, crazy people

in the world,

what's interesting is the reaction

to radical, crazy people

and how everything just sort of

kind of balances itself out

when things get weird.

Because when these people

got k*lled over a cartoon,

the whole world was in shock.

The whole world was outraged.

But one of the scariest things about it

was nobody wanted to print those pictures.

You couldn't see 'em in the LA Times.

You couldn't find them in Time magazine.

You had to go online and find them.

It was a dark moment for free speech,

because everybody's like,

"Oh. I don't wanna get k*lled.

I don't wanna show the pictures."

It was weird, until... the balance.

Because after they got k*lled

and nobody wanted to print the pictures,

word got back to Texas...

where they promptly held a "Draw Muhammad"

contest in Garland, Texas.

I'm not making a word of this up.

You can Google it, and I'll wait.

They had a "Draw Muhammad" contest

in Garland, Texas.

Two dudes showed up,

started sh**ting at the building.

They were k*lled almost instantly.

Why?

Because they were

at a "Draw Muhammad" contest in Texas.

How obvious does a trap have to be

before you start getting suspicious?

What, are you livin'

in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, m*therf*cker?

You ever go to Texas?

That's not Santa Monica, b*tch.

That's a totally different kind

of white people.

Those are some Wild West people

that have computers and modern g*ns.

They're not supposed to be there.

People didn't evolve in Texas.

It's not like they were monkeys,

then they became people

and they stayed in that spot. No.

No, they landed on boats

on the East Coast.

The stubborn ones stayed.

The smart ones made it to California.

But along the way,

we lost a bunch of people.

And some of them just stuck around.

"Y'all go ahead.

We're gonna hang back here.

I'm gonna draw the biggest d*ck

the world's ever seen in the sand.

My wife's got the biggest t*tties.

I'mma try to f*ck a snake.

I think it can be done."

They just stayed.

They just gathered cattle,

stockpiled a*mo.

And they all talk alike.

And that's why you gotta be nervous.

You gotta be nervous

in places with accents, okay?

It's one of the reasons why I can prove

that California is the best spot to live.

'Cause all the spots that suck,

they all have to sound like each other.

'Cause I grew up in a place like that.

I grew up in Boston.

It's not that the people in Boston suck,

but the weather sucks.

It's f*cking horrible.

And in the winter everybody gets

in their car in the morning,

and just goes,

"f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!"

And everybody's worried about...

It's a real possibility

you might starve to death one day.

You might freeze trying to walk home.

So they all talk in the same way.

"Oh, my God.

How many more months till summer?

Ahhh!

When is this f*cking winter gonna be over?

We need more firewood."

They have to sound

like the people around them.

So if other people invade, like,

"We stick together.

We're all in this together."

That's how they are in Texas, too.

They're like,

"Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"

They have a f*cking certain way

of talking.

Which is proof positive why California

is the best spot.

Try making fun of a California accent.

What are you gonna do?

Speak clear and concise?

What are you gonna do?

You gonna mock us?

You're gonna say some sh*t

that everybody understands?

They're not supposed to be

in Texas, folks.

It's not even a state.

It's a republic.

They were like, "Man, we ain't so sure

about this whole United States thing.

We're gonna hang back.

Hang back, see how this plays out."

They don't have any rules. They have

like three pages of rule books.

Here's how I know this.

I'm gonna tell you a fact,

a fact about Texas that will change

the way you think about Texas.

There are more tigers

in captivity in Texas,

in private collections,

than there are in all of the wild

of the world.

I'm gonna repeat it

because I know you're like,

"Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making

sh*t up to make his jokes work."

No. There's more tigers

in dudes' yards in Texas

than the rest of the f*cking planet!

How is that possible?

Because they can.

Because they went through the rule book...

"It don't say sh*t about tigers.

Order it up, dude.

Order it up, dude!"

One guy got a tiger,

and his neighbor's like,

"sh*t, I didn't know we could get tigers."

And he got two tigers.

And the first guy was like, "I ain't about

to let this f*gg*t out-tiger me."

And he opened up Tiger World

with his oil money.

We're gonna need those people, folks,

if the Russians invade.

We can't make f*cking warrior babies

with those chicks in Marin County

with fake asses and rubber lips, okay?

We're gonna need some real warrior genes.

We're gonna need some women

who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes.

They got cowboy boots

with no socks and stinky feet.

And they yell out,

"Chris Kyle, rest in peace,"

when you make 'em come.

We need those women!

If the Russians come, we gotta be ready.

Think about the children.

Think about the children

while I get a sip.

This is super important,

ladies and gentlemen.

A lot of people are sleeping on...

Imagine if I had real points.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I love you f*ck, too, man.

So excited to be here.

I have kids and I lie to them.

I get high around 'em, too.

People say you shouldn't do that,

but they don't see it.

They say you shouldn't be intoxicated

around your children.

Well, I'm not. I'm high.

I call it "elevated." It's a different thing.

The people who have a problem with that,

they don't understand

what getting high is.

Like, they think you're gonna be

to your kid, like, "Who are you?"

What do you think?

What's the worst thing that can happen

if I'm a little high around my kid?

They're gonna get extra hugs,

and daddy's going to be

paranoid about objects.

"Look out.

Don't go there."

That's it.

Plus, I have cool conversations.

I have a six-year-old daughter, man.

There's not a lot of 48-year-old man

and 6-year-old girl have in common,

other than the fact she's my daughter.

And so, our conversations

are normally pretty boring.

But when I'm high, I'm like, "You know,

you call that thing your baby, your doll.

You call it your baby,

but you know it's not a baby, right?"

"Yeah, I know it's not a baby."

"Do you call it a baby

because you're the youngest

and you like having someone

who is responsible for you?"

"Maybe."

"Okay. That's cool. That's cool.

Give me a hug. I love you."

It's weird, man.

It's weird raising little people.

There's some things that I didn't expect.

One of the things I didn't expect

is you have to lie to them.

Like, you don't have to lie to them

about a lot of things,

but you have to lie to them

about Santa Claus.

It's just one of those things, man,

'cause it's like a community.

You have to think about what your kid's

gonna tell other kids.

Because when it comes to Santa Claus,

you don't want your kid

to be one of two things.

You don't want your kid

to be the first kid

that tells everyone

that Santa Claus is bullshit,

'cause that kid's an as*h*le.

But you don't want your kid

to be the last kid

that figures out

that Santa Claus is bullshit,

'cause that kid's a moron.

So you got... You got a little bit of...

You're like, "Oh, no.

When do we do this?

When do we do this?"

And no one knows when to do it.

You just let the kids figure it out.

Then they're like, "Dad, what the f*ck?"

You're like, "Aw...

Oh, I missed the boat.

I missed the boat."

Nobody knows when to do it.

Nobody can be honest about it.

They have little meetings and sh*t.

And I'm like, "When do we tell 'em?"

This lady goes, "When they're 11."

They're gonna be f*cking by then.

I told her it was funny.

She didn't believe me.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm off by a year."

That's not as funny, but it's...

I didn't mean it.

But it's this thing.

They want to keep the kids in the dark.

And they wanna pretend they're

the only one that's teaching the kid.

This is a weird thing that people do.

They're like, "I teach my kids, man.

I teach my kids."

"Eh... when you see 'em."

But unless you're some freak who

homeschools your children in the forest,

your kid's gonna go to school.

They're gonna go to school, and they're

gonna be in a class with 50 other kids.

The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year,

and she's thinking about d*ck.

That's all she's thinking about.

She's thinking about getting stuffed.

She's a young, fertile woman

who loves kids.

And she's writing on that chalkboard.

And the kids all huddle up

and share information.

Like, "Yeah, what did your dad tell you?

Your dad tell you that, yeah?

My dad says Santa Claus

is f*cking bullshit, okay?

You ever go near a chimney?

It's that big. What the f*ck?

Teacher's coming. Play with blocks.

Act stupid.

Uh, how does this work?"

They play dumb. They play dumb!

They're like little prisoners,

trying to figure their way out.

They make little papier-mch heads

and pretend they're napping.

They're little humans.

They wanna run sh*t.

"Who is these people

telling us what to do?

Are they being straight with us, man?

What the f*ck is going on?"

I knew the day my daughter knew

that Santa Claus is bullshit.

She came home, stared me down.

She was, like, mad-dogging me.

She took her book bag,

and just goes...

Walked right up to the chimney,

looking at me.

"How the f*ck?"

"Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?"

"No, honey, I've never met him."

"But you let him in the house?"

And there's this moment...

It was a moment where a seven-year-old

has you at checkmate.

You're like, "Oh, sh*t."

I don't know whether to high-five her

or to keep lying.

You wanna go, "Yeah, you got me.

You got me. You got me. That's bullshit.

No, the big bang is real,

but this is bullshit."

The big bang sounds even less real.

The problem is, you have to be consistent.

If you're teaching your kids nonsense,

you gotta teach 'em only nonsense.

You can't mix nonsense

in with, like, real stuff.

Like, my daughter will go like,

"How do birds fly?"

I go, "Birds have bones that are hollow,

so they're really light.

Then they have feathers,

which cover a large surface area.

And they use the hollow bones

and the feathers

to push down on the air.

See, the air looks

like it's nothing, right?

But it's actually a bunch of gases.

That's why the trees move

when the wind blows.

The birds can manipulate that

and go through 3-D space."

"Whoa!"

"Yeah, nature is crazy."

"Yeah.

How does the fat man

get through the little hole?"

"Magic!

Christmas magic!

Now go to bed.

I'm trying to f*ck your mom!

Go to bed!"

Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

Can't talk like that.

That's how you make strippers.

You gotta be nice.

They're little, tiny people.

They're adorable.

They don't know anything yet.

You gotta teach 'em everything.

You can't talk mean.

Kids are a lot like

really f*cking stupid people...

in that if you get

ten really stupid people in a room,

the most confident one

just starts running sh*t.

They don't have to have

any more information,

they just have to be more confident.

If you get a bunch of dummies together,

they're like,

"I don't know what's going on."

"I don't know what's going on."

"I f*cking do. I f*cking do."

The guy doesn't have to have

any extra data,

he just has to be

the only one that's confident.

And that's what it's like in school.

My daughter's class

has this f*cking kid named Debbie.

And every day it's, "Debbie says..."

Oh, f*cking Debbie says.

Debbie says what?

You don't think about that

before you have kids.

Not only are you gonna have kids,

but your kids are gonna make friends,

and then you have to make friends

with the f*cking parents of your kids.

And some of 'em are crazy.

My daughter's like, "Debbie says

Adam and Eve

are the only two people in the world,

and all people came from them.

Is that true?"

And this is weird.

Like, you don't know what to do, right?

You want to be diplomatic.

You don't want

to cause problems at school.

But you gotta be honest.

And one of the most difficult things

to say to a kid is, "I don't know."

I'm like, "Sweetie, I don't know.

I don't know if Adam and Eve

is where people came from.

But nobody knows,

because no one from today

is alive back then.

So it's not something you can measure.

So it's not something you can see.

So we don't know.

But here's what we do know.

You know how some people have big ears

and some people have little ears?"

"Yeah."

"Well, some people have brains

that are made out of dog sh*t.

And they get horny, too.

And what happens is,

they have to find someone

even dumber than them to have sex with.

It's like the opposite of evolution.

And then they have a kid,

and their kid is f*cked.

Their kid is f*cked!

And everybody wants to pretend

it's a level playing field.

There's no level, anywhere you look.

Is an eagle and a salmon level?

Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle?

No. The universe does not want even!

It wants conflict and resolution

and constant improvement. Okay?

I'm gonna shut this light out,

and I'm gonna go f*ck your mom

right in the mouth. All right?"

I don't say these things.

I don't say any of these things!

I was like, "I don't know.

Maybe Debbie's right.

Doesn't make sense to me.

How would that work?"

"How would that work?"

"It wouldn't work, would it?"

Adam and Eve are the only two people.

They have kids.

And then,

where do all the other people come from?

I guess the kids just start f*cking

each other. Is that what happens?

Mom f*ck the kids, or the...

Yeah, exactly.

Debbie's parents.

They were at my house, man, for a cookout,

and the dude told me

the Earth's 10,000 years old.

They're Young Earth Christians.

They're sweet people, by the way.

Before I sh*t on them...

I'm gonna sh*t on them,

but before I sh*t on them, they're sweet.

They're really nice people.

I hug 'em every time I see 'em.

They're really kind, nice people.

But they just found a part of their brain,

they're like, "I have no use for this."

Chucked that whole logic,

discerning-reason part.

"This f*cking thing's confusing."

They're Young Earth Christians,

which means they follow the strictest

interpretation of the Bible possible.

I'm like, "How many people believe

the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?"

Uh! I looked it up.

There's a recent Gallup poll that said

that 46% of America believes

the Earth is less than 10,000 years old.

Here's why you shouldn't be scared.

They can only measure people

dumb enough to answer polls.

And when you factor that in,

you're talking

about a really small number.

'Cause you know

what the average response is

if you call people up and say,

"How old's the Earth?"

Number one answer is,

"Older than your mother's p*ssy."

And then they hang up.

Number two answer is, "f*ck you!"

After that,

you start throwing numbers around.

And only 46% of those dummies

were stupid enough to think

the Earth is 10,000 years old.

That's Debbie's f*cking parents.

So out of the people that answer polls...

Is it even 1%?

It might be 1%.

Only 46% are that f*cking stupid.

And that's the 1%

we should really be worried about.

We're worried about the wrong 1%.

Not that we shouldn't be worried

about the really rich, greedy people.

We definitely should. We should definitely

worry about bankers and people who...

They're just stockpiling resources.

They could help the world in some

really impossible ways for anybody else.

But they don't. They'd rather

just pile up their gold.

Yeah, that 1% is awful.

But there's another 1% that freaks me

the f*ck out that no one's talking about.

That's the 1% who leave comments

on YouTube videos.

Who the f*ck are those freaks?

Could you imagine people talking

to each other like that in real life

and not beating the sh*t out

of each other?

I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back

from the dead and had a YouTube page,

the first comment would be,

"You ain't sh*t without your dad, p*ssy."

These are monsters.

This is not a normal person's response.

Normal people don't leave comments.

What a normal person does,

they watch a video.

They like it or they don't like it.

That's it. It ends right there.

But what you're dealing with

is the process of racism,

and child abuse,

and neglect and shitty genes.

And the Insane Clown Posse is playing.

They know all the words,

and they're wafting up their farts,

and their Cheez Doodle fingers.

And like,

"An open letter to Jennifer Lopez...

Let me pause and just jerk off

in my shirt real quick, here.

Ugh...

Dear, Jennifer,

don't you think it's about time

you dress a little more classy?

What are your children gonna see

when they see..."

Just f*cking think of the meanest,

most biting sh*t that's gonna cut it.

As if Jennifer Lopez has time

in between eating diamonds

and f*cking all her background dancers

in a castle that she built with her a*s.

But you know, "Let me check

the YouTube comments

to see if my self-esteem's on point. Oh!"

And you know who's dumber than them?

Me. 'Cause I read their sh*t

and I get mad.

I know they're stupid.

I still get upset. f*ck!

This is the world, folks.

This is the world we're living in.

Are we happy? I'm not sure.

- Is this what we wanted? I don't know.

- No!

- No.

- No!

- Are you sure?

- No!

Why are you doing this? What is this?

What are you doing?

Are you fighting for freedom?

- What's happening?

- No!

Are you White Panthers?

What is this?

Life sucks!

- What are you saying?

- Life can kind of suck sometimes.

Life can kind of suck?

Maybe it's how you're livin' it, b*tch.

"Life can kind of suck."

It's the greatest time ever to be alive.

"Yeah, I'd live in the old days

when you could die from crabs."

It doesn't get any better than today, man.

So stupid.

"Make America great again."

It's as good as it's ever been.

What the f*ck are you saying?

We have 4G everywhere.

When has it been better?

We have Netflix.

When has it been better?

Come on, man. Stop.

It's never been better.

This is as good as it's ever been.

It's just weird. It's just weird.

You gotta get your sh*t together, b*tch.

Don't blame the world.

God damn it. Damn it, man.

And listen,

if you've seen any of this show,

and you said, "I think some of the stuff

you're saying is really funny,

but I sense a lot of, like,

macho posturing from you.

I sense a lot of, like, bullshit,

tough-guy stuff."

You're totally correct.

And what it is

is I live with all women, okay?

And I'm becoming more of a b*tch

every day of my life.

And I just wanna say I'm not unhappy.

I've never been more happy in my life.

This is the happiest I've ever been.

But when you're with all girls,

like, you have all girls all the time,

you have to make little compromises.

You don't think about it

while it's happening.

It's like the rock doesn't think

about the water carving a path through it,

but eventually,

that f*cking path is gonna get deep.

And when you're with all people

that are different than you,

they just go, "Hmm..."

They just start looking at you

like little raptors testing the fence.

They'll just start poking at you.

It's what people do. It's natural.

It's just what people do.

If you live with people that all are

on AT&T and you're on Verizon,

they're like, "Dude, look at my bars.

Make the switch. Come on over.

What are you, a f*cking Democrat, dude?

Libertarian is where it's at.

Wake up!

Join us!"

When you're with all girls,

they just start...

They constantly f*ck with my manhood.

It's like, I'll come home

and some new thing is painted pink.

I'm like, "Why is this pink?"

"It looks better pink, Daddy."

"It looks better pink, Daddy."

And my wife's like,

"I think they're right."

I'm like, "Oh...

I see what the f*ck is going on here.

It's mutiny!"

They just chip, chip, chip away.

It's like if my manhood

was a mountain of marbles.

Every day they steal two.

They just walk up to my stack...

You can't say sh*t.

You can't say sh*t,

'cause it's only two marbles,

and you're like,

"I still got all these marbles.

Everything is gonna be okay.

I'll deal with this eventually."

But you're not gonna deal with it.

Every day, two more marbles.

You never get those marbles back.

You see it comin'.

You don't do anything about it.

You're like, "I gotta go to sleep.

All right, everybody stop crying.

I gotta go to sleep."

And men don't want to admit that.

"Not me, bro. Not me, bro.

I'd rather just live

in the woods by myself."

What are you,

a f*cking Coldplay song? Huh?

What are you, a character in a book,

you piece of sh*t?

No one's honest.

No one's honest

about how much we need other people.

That's why the characters

that we adore so much in the movies

are the people that don't need people.

The people who just walk away from it all,

like, "Wow, what a rebel!"

But in real life, we need people so bad

that the worst sh*t

you can do to a prisoner

is put them in solitary confinement.

So think about that.

You're in a cement box filled

with rapists and murderers.

And the worst sh*t they can do

is leave you alone.

We're f*cking weird.

We are weird,

'cause what we are really

is we're some weird superorganism

that, like, needs each other

in some sort of strange way.

But we're all in denial.

"I'm kind of a loner."

Oh, shut the f*ck up.

There's no such thing. It's not real.

Every person in this room,

me included, all of us,

we are all a calculation.

We're all an ongoing,

on-running calculation

of all the interactions you've ever had

with all the people that you've ever met.

And you do a bunch of things

that people like,

and start doing more of that.

You're like, "I'll do more of that."

You find things that people don't like,

you're like,

"I'll keep that sh*t to myself, hmm.

I don't like that feeling. Hmm."

That's what we do.

That's what we do.

It's weird. We don't want to admit it.

But that's who we all are.

And I'm just telling you this

because I've never been more of a b*tch.

Right now, I have slowly but surely bent

until I'm in this position.

This is how I'm riding out my days,

just like this.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay."

But I'm also telling you right now

that I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner.

Oh!

That's right,

politically correct San Francisco.

Here's my take on this Bruce Jenner thing.

And, you know, everybody

has their own... Not really.

This is what everybody's take is.

This is the take

that you're supposed to have.

"He's always been a woman trapped

in a man's body."

Maybe. Definitely maybe.

Definitely people are like that.

Definitely, there are people

who were born in the wrong gender.

And am I saying

they should stay their gender?

No. Who gives a f*ck?

You should do whatever you wanna do.

You should be happy.

You should be free.

I don't care what you do.

But...

it's also possible that, maybe,

if you live with crazy b*tches

long enough,

you become one.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't see this discussed.

It is entirely possible.

If you put a praying mantis on a leaf,

it becomes the color of the leaf.

Why?

Because it wants to live.

It wants to survive.

It wants to be accepted

by its environment.

You show me a man who's lived

with the Kardashians for ten years

who didn't come out a chick,

and then we'll have some data, okay?

'Cause right now,

we lost a f*cking American Olympian,

and I want you to have some respect!

We're down Bruce Jenner.

And I've got a close eye on Kanye West,

and I don't exactly like what I'm seeing.

Look at Kanye West.

He's a very talented,

young, heterosexual man

who starts a clothing line...

he's clearly jealous about Taylor Swift,

and he tweets like a coked-up stripper

in the middle of the night.

You don't see what I'm seeing?

We are watching the plot

of a f*cking Stephen King book play out!

An American athletic hero moves in

with a woman

who's made hundreds of millions of dollars

through no way

anyone can explain to anyone.

He breaks up with her.

She turns him into a chick.

The whole world tells him he's beautiful.

You tell me you don't see what I'm seeing?

You have to say...

You have to say she's beautiful.

"She's beautiful."

She's not beautiful, and neither am I.

Look, I look like a thumb

with two thumbs.

Okay?

You put me in a dress,

I'd be even more disgusting.

"Beauty's unusual."

There's a lot of cool sh*t

that isn't beautiful.

Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are

on that list.

Jesus f*cking Christ!

What kind of games are we playing here?

Why are you lying to children?

That's beautiful.

What are my kids gonna think

when they see a mountain or a rose?

"Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain."

Ahhh! Bang!

I can't!

The world's gone f*cking bananas!

"What you're saying

is horribly transphobic

and incredibly regressive.

You should be embarrassed

at what you're doing.

You're doing this just to get laughs

at someone else's expense."

Maybe!

Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons.

Maybe they waited by the bed...

until they knew he was

in heavy REM sleep...

so they could assume their true form.

Climb up and kick off their designer shoes

to reveal black raven's claws.

Clutched the edge of the bed and just...

whispered in his ear.

"Bruce...

we would like you better

if you were one of us."

"I can't.

I can't be one of you.

I was... I was born a man."

"Nonsense!

Nonsense.

Bruce...

you no longer can be held prisoner

by the gender of your birth.

You're free.

Bruce...

your lips are too thin...

for the cover of Vanity Fair."

"Huh? What? Wait. Wait.

Did you say the cover?

Okay. Are you f*cking with me?

Because...

you know the cover's

always been my dream."

"It can be real!

It can be real.

All dreams...

can be real through surgery.

Sleep."

Thank you very much, San Francisco!

I had a great f*cking time

with you savages!

Let's take a selfie. sh*t. We got it.

Putting together one

of these f*cking specials

is stressful as sh*t.

I appreciate the f*ck out

of all you people being here tonight.

And I love you guys.

Thank you very much!