02x01 - Planet Hulk

[bunniefuu]

A-b*mb's log, stardate Tuesday, nah, maybe Wednesday.

I kinda lost track.

I know it's been a while, Hulkees.

Let me get you up to speed.

So, we freed Skaar's home planet from The Leader, and jacked his ride to fly us home.

Except his spaceship's navigation broke down and left us helplessly lost in the nothingness of space.

This may be my final webisode.

If we end up trapped for eons inside this steel coffin, doomed to wander forever in the vast lonely cosmos Rick, we've only been gone three days.

Hmm.

Okay.

Maybe I exaggerated.

I guess there are worse spaceships to be stuck on.

Leader didn't skimp on the amenities.

Check out the robo-butlers.

Oh, that's nice.

Mmm A 3-D molecular printer that can construct anything we design.

Grr, hurry up, you stupid thing.

Not as good as my own sweet Gatling laser.

But it should do the trick.

And a fully-stocked food synthesizing kitchen.

Ah, Skaar like popcorn on steak.

Problem is it's all Leader-sized.

And seriously, one bathroom? Hey, which one of you green thieves made off with all the toilet paper? Maybe you'd like to tell me who's been swiping my tools? This nav system isn't gonna fix itself.

Who eat all Skaar's meat snacks? Come to think of it, somebody has been disabling my cameras too.

- Who cares about your precious screwdrivers? - I'd have just smashed your stupid camera.

- Skaar hate table scraps! - Quit lying.

Knock it off! We're all in this together.

The last thing we need is to turn on each other.

Hmm looks like the T.

P.

Perp left a clue.

This way, smashers.

A cargo bay? Weird.

Starting to get the feeling we're not alone on this ship.

Yeah, something stinks.

Leader! I was beginning to wonder if you Neanderthals would ever figure it out.

My thanks to you for the safe passage off planet Sakaar.

I had clearly worn out my welcome there.

Not much of a Leader now, are you? Au contraire.

I managed to lead you straight into my trap.

Ah, that hologram trick never gets old.

Now, get off my ship.

Uh-oh.

Hang on to somethin'! - addic7e.

Com - Premise, can five overgrown, gamma-infused behemoths withstand oxygen deprivation and the cold vacuum of space? Conclusion, no.

Ah, I'm losing my grip.

Rick! I got ya.

Pair up and search the ship.

Go! Your efforts are doomed to failure.

Aah! Everything on my ship was built to deal with you monsters.

Look familiar? It's a replica of the chamber you imprisoned me in.

However, I've made a few upgrades.

Aah! Where Leader? Skaar slash Leader! Hang on, Shaggy.

I'll sniff him out with the ship's bio-scanners.

He's locked me out of the system.

Warning! vessel entering hostile solar system.

Nice try, Leader.

But you're not gonna distract me with some bogus warning.

Let's see if I can bypass his security manually.

Back-up security.

Activate.

Show your ugly, swollen mug, Leader.

This soldier needs target practice.

Dude, chill.

We need him.

He's the only one who can prove our innocence back on Earth.

Oh, okay.

So we get a confession, then we use him for target practice.

Target practice? Excellent idea.

Oh, great.

The walls are filled with g*ns.

- Hey, whoa! - Uh-oh.

Pity the lack of gravity will put you lummoxes at a disadvantage.

How does it feel to be completely helpless to save your friends? I think I'll send this video back to Earth to remind them of the monster you really are.

Then I'll make my triumphant return, having destroyed you all.

They'll declare me a hero.

Hulk smash Leader for good! Oh! I think I'm gonna hurl.

I got a better idea.

Come here, Jones.

I hurl you! Ha! Hurl? Hurl.

I see what you did there.

- Skaar slash! - No! This is not good.

Leader not smash friends! Hulk smash Leader! Whoa, cuz.

Hey, take it easy.

Calm down.

It's all good, buddy.

We're safe.

Did I overreact? Maybe.

Was I gonna let Leader take another shot at wiping out my team? My family? No way.

Never again.

Bio-scanners back online.

I'm homing in on that rat's hidey-hole.

He's right here on the bridge.

In the wall! Pity you won't live long enough to find me.

Gamma-oxide gas.

Quite lethal.

No! Two choices.

Flush out the gas or you buy it too.

If it means defeating you, I'd rather perish.

Not an option.

Unhand me, you brutes! Oh! Aah! Stay back.

I'm warning you.

I say we toss him out the airlock.

Airlock.

Airlock! Uh, what airlock? Wait! If we give in to our anger, then we're just the monsters Leader says we are.

We're heroes.

We protect life.

All life.

Right, big guy? Leader shrunk us, poisoned us, and framed us for destroying our town.

He doesn't deserve protection.

It's the airlock for you.

Wait.

Stop! You're, you're bluffing.

Thought you were smart enough to know you can't reason with a monster.

Hulk, you don't want to do this.

It's just the anger talking.

This isn't anger.

It's common sense.

The universe would be better off without him.

Well, sounds like the universe disagrees.

Hmm, what's that you say, universe? You want to smash him with a meteor shower? Okay by me.

I can't clear this big rock's gravitational field.

That's 'cause that "rock" is Ego.

The living planet.

So in season one, Ego tried to smash Earth.

But we smashed him first.

And here we are again.

Now who's sh**ting at us? No one.

Ego's fighting somebody else.

And we're caught in the crossfire.

That ship has some serious firepower.

They good guys or bad guys? Well, we know Ego's bad.

And they could use our help.

I'll decide what to do with you after we show Ego a world of hurt.

This is the latrine, you barbarian.

Ew Don't you Hulks know how to flush? It's backed up! Ah, come on! Ha, nice flying, Shulkie.

Course not as nice as my shootin'.

You are guilty of interfering with the will of the Kree empire.

Interferin'? We just saved your green-skirted butt.

You dare defy Ronan the Accuser? Hey! We're on the same side.

We fought Ego before.

We can help.

You are the Hulk.

Your might is legendary throughout the galaxy.

Cool.

Hoodie here must be a fan of my show.

You are, right? Our meeting is indeed fortunate.

Together, we shall act as Ego's judge, jury, and executioner.

Sorry.

You lost me at "executioner.

" We could have destroyed Ego once before.

But we chose not to.

Look how well that turned out.

Wait, Ego knows the way to Earth.

Maybe he can point us back home.

I know of your Earth as well.

Ronan will guide you to your planet.

In exchange for your help.

Ronan, you got yourself a deal.

Not sure I trust Ronan Something about a guy who shoots first, asks questions later.

He's like Red.

The Kree empire is only like one of the galaxy's oldest and most powerful civilizations, composed of thousands of worlds.

So guess who burned Ronan a best-of DVD? If he's not a fan of my webshow now, he will be.

Only way to stop Ego is to smash past his rocky crust and into his brain pan.

Autopilot set to keep the ship in a safe orbit around Ego.

You sure it's a good idea to leave Leader alone without a sitter? We got a ride home with Ronan.

Shulkie can remote control him into a black hole for all I care.

You dare approach Ego! Ah, man, beard hair.

Skaar save Hulk! - Reinforcements incoming! - Yeah, burn, baby! Tremble at the might of my universal weapon, foul planetoid.

I could give Thor a run for his money with that hammer.

Once we get past his outer defenses Ego's not so tough on the inside.

Not another journey to the center of planet snot! I had a different route in mind.

Oh, oh, we're going ear-spelunking? Yay! I'll get my gear.

Oh, is that wax? Gross! This should take us straight to the big rock's little brain.

So, when did Ego attack your planet? Ego has endangered worlds of the Kree empire time and again.

The punishment we deliver will save billions of lives.

Ego shall face his accusers! Probably not a good idea to shout inside a giant ear.

So you all know, we're just swimming in ear wax, right? So you've said five times, Jones.

- Ear wax not taste so bad.

- Ew.

Hulks.

Go no further! I warn you! Aah! Noise hurts Skaar's ears.

We're gonna hurt Ego's worse.

Everybody, bust that ear drum! No! Oh, no! Just like I remembered.

Lamest boss-level ever.

Now, you pay.

Please spare me.

Ego kept his promise and avoided your Earth.

Ego begs of you.

Be reasonable! Never try to reason with a monster.

Aah! I'm not a monster.

I'm supposed to be one of the good guys who protects life.

Ego meant no harm.

Ego pulled your ship into my orbit in the hopes that you would defend me from the Kree! Ego.

Now, you shall be judged.

Wait.

They attacked you? An attack more than justified.

You're not gonna hurt him.

This device will cause no harm.

Ego, the living planet, as punishment for your crimes against the Kree empire, you are hereby sentenced to be restrained.

About time somebody put a leash on that beach ball.

The device will allow us to control the planetoid.

- Use it as a weapon.

- What? He's gonna use Ego as a weapon? So Ronan is a bad guy.

And I am so not giving him my best-of DVD now.

He's gonna have to buy it.

Sorry, Ronan.

Turning Ego into your personal planet of doom wasn't part of our deal.

Defy me, Hulk, and you too will be judged.

To me, my Kree warriors.

Hulk, I will honor our agreement and return you to Earth, if you leave Ego to my justice.

Sorry.

Deal's off.

Then you will all be judged.

Court's adjourned! Whoo, hoo, hoo! And you are hereby sentenced to a smashing.

Nice horsey.

Let's set you free.

Ego was guilty of inflicting wanton destruction across the galaxy.

That doesn't give you the right to use him as a weapon.

Ego will pay for his crimes by serving the Kree empire.

I'll get that tech off you, Ego.

Ugh.

Wait.

If Ego is separated from his core for long, Ego will perish! I'll find a way to get that thing off and bring ya back here before that happens.

Promise.

But I can't let Ronan turn you into a w*r machine.

There is no escape from your accuser.

Aah! Aah! That's what we call a 7-10 split.

Bowling reference.

Keep him away from the Kree! Batter up! Aah! Skaar batter up too! I got him, Skaar.

Smashers, make for the surface.

Red! Skaar! Cover the rear! Ego, how do we get out of here? Through the ocular chiasm.

- Huh? - That way.

Ahead! Ugh, sticky.

Really, more goo? Where are we now? And why are we movin'? Wait.

We're on Ego's eyeball? Bad enough I got a thing about touching eyeballs.

Now I'm standing on one? Why? Why'd you lead us here? We can't outrun them through this crud.

You asked Ego how to get out.

Ego led you out! Now we're all doomed! Ah, cry me a river, you irritating punch-ball.

Wait.

What happens when you irritate an eye? Tears! Ew, everybody pop this peeper! Here's red in your eye! Skaar poke with sword! Destroy them! It's a tear-nami! Hold on! I got ya.

You have my gratitude, Hulk.

No one ever fought for Ego before.

Hold it together, ball boy.

We've had enough tears for one day.

Now, there's a sight for sore eyes.

We sent those baby blues packing.

Why would the Kree retreat? Ego's no longer a threat to them.

You accomplished nothing, Hulk.

True, the Kree cannot control Ego.

But he shall still serve our purpose, and save our homeworld.

What are you talking about? Ego is to be sacrificed to a greater evil.

What greater evil? We've seen that ship before, over Vegas.

Galactus.

Why did it have to be Galactus? Yeah, I guess it was kind of inevitable, giant living planet, ultra-powerful cosmic dude who eats planets for breakfast.

These two were bound to meet, right? All that crud about justice, and Ronan just wanted to feed Ego to Galactus, so he wouldn't chow down on his homeworld.

In case nobody noticed, we're standing on the planet that the planet-eating dude is gonna eat.

Firelord, my herald.

Prepare this world to sate my hunger.

Would you still protect Ego, Hulk? Even now? Sure, life is valuable.

All life.

But depending on whose life it is, protecting it might end up costing more than you can pay.

Hulk out.

Hopefully not for good.