02x07 - Identity Crisis

[bunniefuu]

NED: Peter Parker.

Are you Spider-Man?

No! For the

godzillionth time, no!

That guy in black

said different.

You mean the guy

calling himself Venom?

Does that name

inspire trust?

Then how is it

you're the only

photographer

getting pictures of the

web-slinger in action?

Look, he rings

my cell to tip me off

when he's about

to fight a baddie.

Guy's kind of a glory hound.

I knew it! I knew that

headline-hog was using me

for free publicity!

But a buck's a buck,

so Lee, interview everyone

that wall-crawling

weasel's ever met.

Heck, interview everyone

Parker's ever met!

I'm on it! Wait! You can't

really think

Go home, Peter.

Get a good night's sleep.

PETER: With my world

about to end? Sure

Well?He's a kid, not Spider-Man.

Yeah. But just in case

We're ready

to run with this.

Livin' on the edge

Fighting crime

Spinning webs

Swinging from

the highest ledge

He could leap

above our heads

Villains on the rise

And the city's victimized

Looking up

with no surprise

Arriving

in the speed of time

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

You were one of

the first individuals

rescued by the Spider-Man.

And Peter Parker

is a friend of your son's.

Any chance Pete and Spidey

are one and the same?

No.

Pete!

A Buglereporter asked my dad

if you're Spider-Man!

Come on,

what's that about?

Nothing!

I mean No idea.

Sha Shan! Hey.

Wait up!

[SCOFFING] Really, Flash,

there's no point.

I'm not

going out with you.

[SPUTTERING]

Yo! Mr. Devereaux!

Yo.

Okay, so you didn't

cast me in the school play.

No hard feelings.

But guy-to-guy,

a part would really

get me in good

with a certain girl, see?

Ah, I see. Unfortunately,

I'm directing a play,

not managing

a dating service.

[SPUTTERS] Wha

If this special seminar

teaches you kids anything,

at least you'll learn

the importance of

keeping your personal

information private.

Yes, Mr. Brown?

A question? [BELL RINGING]

Guess it'll have

to wait until next week.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Peter Parker.

Spider-Man?

[LAUGHING]

You have got

to be kidding me.

Although, it would explain

a few things. Like when

You don't mean And what about

That's pretty far-fetched. And yet

BOTH: No comment.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the prodigal son returns.

[CHUCKLES] Eddie?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah, great to see you again.

Where have you been, mister?

Took some downtime

after the, uh, downsizing.

Eddie, what really happened?

You were right behind me

when that monster grabbed me.

I was afraid you

Why don't we catch up over

coffee? Just the two of us.

No! I I mean

Gwen and I promised

to meet Harry and Liz

at the Silver Spoon.

Like, now.

Rain check, then.

Don't suppose

you'd like your job back?

You kiddin'?

Just give us a minute.

Been so missing my bro.

We're quite unimpressed

with the Bugle.

They haven't run

our big scoop yet, so

[GRUNTS]

I don't really care

what impresses you

these days, bro.

Oh, but you will.

So, bus or subway?

MAN 1: There he is! MAN 2: Smile, Spidey!

WOMAN: Is it true? MAN 1: Are you Spider-Man?

MAN 3:

Hey, sling us a web, Pete!

They think

you're Spider-Man?

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry. MAN 1: Can you prove

you're not Spidey?

WOMAN: Spidey,

is that your girl?

Yo, babe, what's it like

kissing a freak?

Let go of me. Hey, back off.

Hey, come on.

Just a few more shots!

MAN 1: This way! MAN 2: We might catch 'em

webbing away!

Hey! Where'd they go?

I know they came this way.Keep looking!

[BOTH PANTING] MAN 1: They can't

have gotten far.

MAN 2:

Hey, does Spidey

do invisible?

[CHUCKLING]

Shh. MAN 1: Maybe they went

in the student store.

MAN 2: Yeah! WOMAN: Or the swim gym.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE BEEPING] Hello? Hey, Harry!

Oh, Liz is there, too?

Yeah, sure, sure,

we'll be there in

a few minutes. Bye.

[PHONE BEEPING] I think they're gone.

But, um, given

the circumstances,

I'd better

pass on the Spoon.

Tell Liz that I'm sorry.

And Harry.

Yeah, me too.

[STAMMERING]

I mean, I will.

SPIDER-MAN: Bro, I get why

you're doing this to me,

but don't you get how many

other people you'll hurt?

Oh, we know exactly

how many people

your secrets will hurt!

[GRUNTS] And we can't wait

to watch them

all turn against you!

[GASPS]

[ROARS]

[GRUNTS]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Who are you? How many Spideys are there?

What are you

doing to him?

Call us Venom.

And all we want is to

take off Spider-Man's mask.

Is your nephew

Spider-Man?

Am I being punk'd?

And now,

the moment of truth. [GRUNTING]

SPIDER-MAN: Sure.

What say we get a close-up?

[GRUNTS]

That proves it!

If he wasn't Parker,

would he resist this much?

The creep's got a point! WOMAN: Show us your face!

MAN: Prove you're not Parker!

Come on! Just 'cause

I'm not Parker doesn't mean

I'll reveal who I am.

It's called

a secret identity.

[GRUNTS]

Besides, Smiley here's

a half-alien symbiote!

You can't trust those things.

The spider doth protest

too much, we thinks.

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

Whoops, too hard.

But stay tuned.

We'll be right back

with the unmasking!

All right, all right,

leave the boy alone.

There he is!

Do you think

he's really Spidey?

No, I do not!

Perfect.

Like you never left.

Good to be home.

Look, I've known Puny Parker

since nursery school.

Man, the dweeb spent

sophomore year

stuffed in his locker!

Several students saw him

in a Spider-Man costume

At the Halloween Carnival!

And he looked like

a geek in footie pajamas!

Anyone can suit up

and pretend to be Spidey.

Heh! And I can prove it!

Hey, news losers.

Here I am!

WOMAN: There he is!MAN 1: What's with

the crutches?

MAN 2:

Maybe Venom injured him.

I'm ready to reveal my true

identity, as Not-Parker!

Hey, hey!

Web-head walkin' here!

You thinkin'

what I'm thinkin'?

Yeah.

Spidey's gimped up.

We'll never have a better

chance to take him down.

PETER: Every time

I swear I'm not Spidey,

I'm lying to people

I care about

Maybe I should

just admit the truth.

You've fought Spidey.

Any insight on his identity?

Nah, but I hope

the Parker kid

is Spider-Man.

Believe me, every guy

in the joint would know

what to do with that info.

Back off!

[GRUNTING] Whoa!

[CHUCKLING] Should've

stood in bed, web-stinker!

[GRUNTS] SPIDER-MAN:

[LAUGHING] Web-stinker?

Really? That's

your "A" material?

[GROANING]

This guy's a fake!

That's the real Spidey!

Ah, the brains

of the outfit.

Hold this for me,

genius.

Hey! [GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Ah, man!

See? Anyone can pretend

to be Spidey,

and you guys'll eat it up!

But there's only

one genuine article!

You mean, Peter Parker? Yeah. No! This guy!

He's my biggest fan.

Which is sad, really.

VENOM: We'll show you sad!

[CAR SQUEALING]

A sad little

masked super-hero,

soon to have

no mask and no super.

Recognize this?

Gene cleanser.

After your

identity's revealed,

we'll pour it

down your throat.

Then we'll sit back

and laugh

while all your enemies

attack Peter Parker.

[LAUGHS]

Leaving you powerless

to defend yourself,

or the ones you love.

[ROARING]

So they tell me you

and Pete go way back.

Yeah, we're like brothers.

[SIGHING]

Should've seen it sooner.

Peter Parker is Spider-Man.

[GRUNTING]

This is gold!

[ROARING]

[YELLING]

[GROANS]

What are those

supposed to do?

Well, they're

supposed to hurt.

Right idea. Wrong caliber!

[GROANS]

[ROARING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

GWEN: No! VENOM: Well, well.

All our favorite

playthings are here.

[YELLS] One word. Evacuate!

Move along, girls.

Now, Miss Stacy!

Hmm. Tasty.

[VENOM SQUEALING]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Proceed quickly.

[GRUNTING]

You really think

you can hurt us with that?

Kinda.

[LOCKER RINGING] [SQUEALING]

That was unpleasant.

SPIDER-MAN: Oh, great.

Now he's mad.

[PUNCHES LANDING]

[GRUNTING]

Thanks. I'll get

out of your way now.

[GROWLING]

[GROANS]

VENOM: You never could score

a basket to save your life.

Just not used to

being the ball.

Stupid reporters still think

Puny Parker's Spidey.

[THUDDING]

[GRUNTING]

Open wide.

[STRUGGLING]

Oh, don't be a baby.

Time to take your medicine.

Hey, doofus!

You got the wrong spider!

Please, you're not

fooling Ahh!

Thanks.

You did good. Now book!

Right! Booking!

[GROWLING]

We'll take

that cleanser now.

Whatever you say, bro.

[GASPING]

[ROARING]

No!

[GRUNTING]

VENOM: You can't

reject me now!

Don't leave me!

It got away.

[GASPING]

Help me get it back! Please!

Eddie. Eddie, it's over.

You're free.

You can stop this,

stop hating.

Can't.

It only loves me

for the hate.

[SIRENS WAILING]

It'll come back!

You'll see!

We're Venom! And we'll

destroy Spider-Man yet!

Brock's lost it.

Venom's like twice his size.

Hey, did I mention

I received

a personal thank you

from Spidey himself?

You mean Pete? Yea No!

Mr. Thompson!

I was having a spot of tea

in the faculty lounge

when who should appear

on the telly but a young man

in a spidery sort

of costume and crutches.

Oh Yeah?

I had no idea you had

such hidden talents.

So I have reconsidered

your request.

I'd like to offer you

the part of Nick Bottom

in our play.

Nick, huh?

He's the hero, right?

Oh, he's quite

essential, to be sure.

Coach, you got

yourself a star.

So, maybe now we can score

some private rehearsal time.

I don't think

you'll be needing

much rehearsal.

You just agreed

to play Nick Bottom

in A Midsummer

Night's Dream.

Trust me,

you have that role nailed.

[SCOFFS]

You know I do.

We're missing

a vial of gene cleanser.

I feel I have no choice.

Security has been,

well, abysmal

under your watch.

I'm asking

the University Board

to turn over day-to-day

management of the lab to me.

But Curt built this lab!

You can't I'm sorry, but I can.

NED: I just have

two questions

for you, Betty.

Do you think Peter Parker

is Spider-Man?

And, would you go out

with me Saturday night?

Lee! You've got

exactly eight seconds

to show me

what you've got

on the web-head!

NED: So that Thompson

kid told me about Pete

being at the

Halloween Carnival.

So I dug up the security

footage. Okay, pause.

This is where the rumor must

have started, but come on.

I mean, would the real Spidey

ever show his face in public?

Thank you!

PETER: And thank you, Flash.

Wow. That's two I owe you.

PETER: Huh! Innocent

but still at large?

Guess you can't win 'em all.

[CREAKING]

I once thought his whole

masked vigilante thing

was problematic.

But I've come to realize

that if Spider-Man's

true identity was revealed,

everyone he cared about

would be in constant danger.

Maybe a man in a mask doesn't

have something to hide,

but something to protect.

Wouldn't you agree?

Umm Yes, sir.