01x11 - Triangle of Evil

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

[inaudible speaking]

[meow]

[inaudible speaking]

[roars]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

[man 1] Stop right on your teeth, old man.

[man 2] Yeah, just hand over the wallet
and the old lady's ring.

[men grunting]

Now, that had a nice ring to it.

It's Spider-Man, the criminal!

Correction, dear.
It's Spider-Man, our hero.

And we must thank him. [Kissing]

Thank you, ma'am.
I've got an aunt just like you,

and I'm late to see her.

Bye.

- [Aunt May] Peter?
- What's up, Aunt May?

[Aunt May] I'm afraid
we're in trouble, Peter.

Oh, the monthly bills.

We're running out of money.

[sighs] You really had me worried.

Why don't you let me mellow out with
the tube for a few minutes?

I'll look 'em over.

And those are just
a few of the incredible,

amazing feats you'll see on Beyond Belief.

By the way, folks, if you have a stunt
that's beyond belief,

- you can win $50,000...
- Hmm.

These bills are beyond belief,

and I haven't got a chance of paying them.

Oh, Peter, if I had a stunt,

I'd just go on that show
and help you with my bills.

Aunt May, they're our bills,

and I'll take care of them,

somehow.

Spidey could go on that show

and knock their socks off.

If only it weren't so tacky.

We interrupt Beyond Belief

for this important
local news announcement.

Here is J. Jonah Jameson,

president of the Jameson Network,

at his sumptuous
Northport Long Island estate.

J. Jonah Jameson here.

I am holding a threatening note
sent to my newspaper.

"Dear New York, tonight,

the Klopman Diamond and the Zenbud Urn

will be stolen.

Signed, the Triangle of Evil."

The day has apparently come when criminals

announce their theft
before committing 'em.

But our city will not be threatened.

This is to warn the criminals that...

Aunt May, I'll just take
these bills to my room

and sort them out.

Oh, dear.

All right, Petey.

I have to save the Klopman Diamond,

and I can't even pay my own bills.

Isn't that a gem?

[nervous chuckle]

You don't want diamonds.

They're so bright. [Chuckles]

We'll squint.

Not tonight, gentlemen.

Hey, Spider-Man!

Come on! Let's split!

I believe this is yours, sir.

No need for thanks.

Thanks? Look at this mess.

Let's see. Let's see.

For the window and the two display cases,

that's $15,000.

Ah, I forgot to include
our new silent alarm system.

A bill? But... but...

We'll talk about this later.

I've got a date with a Zenbud Urn.

What's a Zenbud Urn?

Oh, about $5 a day.

Sorry.

[footsteps approaching]

[man] Thank you, Mr. Klopman.

Your diamond is safe now.

Thank you, uh, Mr...

"The Stuntman" will do.

Better get your window fixed.

[gong strikes]

I, uh... I'd be glad
to put it on a credit card, [chuckles]

if you gentlemen prefer. [Nervous chuckle]

Everybody's a comedian.

Come on, Moe. Let's get outta here.

[Spider-Man] Great. No windows to break.

[Stuntman] Guess again, web head.

You again? Why don't we all form a club?

Uh, [chuckles]

we already got one.

Here, catch.

Till we meet again, insect brain.

[both laughing]

Hey, what about me?

Ah. Thanks, Mr. Spider.

- Spider-Man.
- Whatever.

Uh, does your mother know

you go around dressed like that?

If you don't tell, I won't tell.

All right. Then here's the bill

for the stuff you broke.

$31,000?

I can't afford this.

Now your urn is safe.

I hope so, Mr., uh...

Stuntman.

These bills come to almost $50,000.

And I thought I had money trouble earlier.

If you have a stunt beyond belief,

you can win $50,000.

Yes, folks, $50,000 to the contestant...

I'll do it.
Spidey will get us all out of debt.

Yes, this is
Beyond Belief Productions. Can I help you?

Just tell Mr. Schlocker
the Stuntman is here.

[man] Two tanks in a head-on collision.

- Fantastic, eh?
- Ah, it's been done to death.

I need the stunt of the century, or,
between us, we're through.

- [intercom buzzes]
- What is it?

[woman on intercom]
A Mr. Stuntman is here.

Unless he's got
a blockbuster stunt, get rid of him!

- How's this for a blockbuster?
- Hey!

I'm offering you
the challenge of a century,

Spider-Man versus me.

Here, have him sign this.

I guarantee he'll be here anytime now.

Why, you're Jack Riven,
the world's greatest stuntman.

Whatever happened to you?

I was playing
the mechanical monster in a movie.

Spider-Man caught me
robbing the studio safe.

I was about to escape when
a bolt of lightning struck.

It fused the robot outfit to my body.

I became the monster
half man, half machine

you see before you now.

I want Spider-Man to pay.

So what's with
the Spider-Man challenge bit?

Watch. I'll give you a free sample.

- [crashing]
- That's just for openers.

[thuds]

Then I start getting rough.

You just sign Spider-Man.

I'll take care of the rest.

Anything you say, Stuntman. You're on.

[Spider-Man] Good. No window.

Oh, no! Not again!

I'm here for the $50,000.

Sign right here, my boy.

Now can I have my 50,000?

Sure. Right after the show.

Oh, and, uh, don't worry about the window.

We'll take it out of your pay.

Just be at the Palisades Cliffs
at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

That's, uh, New Jersey.

No! I thought the Palisades
were in Philadelphia.

Don't worry. I'll be there.

Tomorrow, you'll wish
you were in Philadelphia.

[laughing]

It's 10:00, Frazier.

Now, where's Spider-Man?
Time to roll tape.

Okay. What do you guys want,
a couple of my best stunts?

[clears throat] Not quite, Spider-Man.

Next time, read the small print
in the contract.

Roll tape!

- [music playing]
- Welcome to Beyond Belief.

On today's show,
a three-stunt challenge of the century

between the amazing Spider-Man
and the Stuntman.

It's Jack Riven, my old enemy.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

[together] Neither would we.

[host] Stunt number one,

scaling the cliffs
of the Jersey Palisades.

First man to the top wins.

- [loud bang]
- And there they go, folks.

[Stuntman] Should've climbed a cable, kid.

Can't trust that gooey webbing.

[laughing]

My webbing, it's giving out.

Okay, hold it right there, fellas.

Time for a commercial.

[gulps]

Now, this is what I call
a real cliff-hanger.

[creaking]

[creaking]

[Stuntman] What's the matter, kid?

[laughing] You losing your grip?

Luckily, I'm not just a web-swinger,

I'm also a wall-crawler.

[Stuntman] Too much heavy metal,
lead-bottom?

See you at the top.

Some people never learn.

[Spider-Man] It's a long way down.
Gotta grab something.

[audience laughing]

And the first stunt
is won by the Stuntman.

- [applause]
- Spider-Man, are you okay to go on?

Yeah. Luckily,
I broke the fall with my body.

- [groans]
- In a few moments,

we'll take you to the World Trade Center

for stunt number two.

Stay tuned.

Got it. [Laughing]

Take off.

Welcome back to Beyond Belief.

Our contestants are now
halfway up stunt number two,

each climbing one of the Twin Towers.

They'll pass each other here
on the tightwire.

First one down the other side wins.

Moe, Larry, quick,
finish that dusting job.

Klopman Diamond is secure, boss.

Instigation of Operation Lubrication.

[Larry] Okay, boss.
We're off to the Zenbud Urn.

Hey, Larry, what's a Zenbud Urn?

Will you stop?

[Spider-Man] Coming through, fellas.

- Hey, Spidey, good luck!
- Speak for yourself.

I got a ten-spot riding on Stuntman.

No. Slippery oil dust.

I can't hold on.

Good. That oil dust's working.

Spider-Man's finished.

Quick, wash that stuff off with your hose.

Gotcha, Spidey.

How can he do that?

You can't keep a good man down,
bolt-bottom.

Say "uncle," meatball.

Okay. Uncle!

Okay, folks.

Watch how your friendly
neighborhood Spider-Man does it.

And Spider-Man beats him to the bottom,

winning stunt number two.

- [applause]
- [groans] Even my blisters have blisters.

Okay, over to
the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.

Let's go.

[sighs] My last stunt.

My webbing's almost gone.

[Stuntman] Moe, Larry, come in.
Progress report.

Objective number two secured, Stuntman.

Triangle of Evil on the move
toward our third and biggest.

Oh, boy. I am one tired fella.

Gotta figure a way
to slow this thing down.

[static]

Two bold th*gs,
part of the Triangle of Evil,

fulfilled their promise today
and stole the Klopman Diamond

and the priceless Zenbud Urn.

Notes at both places
promise a third theft.

Nobody's gonna beat me three times.

Let's see. First Klopman, then Abdaloni.

Oh, my gosh!
J. Jonah Jameson's place is next.

That's it. The Stuntman set me up.

He's keeping me busy here

while his g*ons rip off the loot.

- [knocking]
- [man] It's tape time, Spidey.

- You're due out on the bridge.
- Right with you.

I'm low on webbing.

With all I've gotta do,

I'm gonna need a refill cartridge.

Oh, hi, Spidey.

Say, how do you do that webbing stuff?

Easy. I'll show you.

I just push this button on my wrist...

Okay, stand by to roll tape.

[man] Sorry, G.S. Uh, it looks like Spidey
gummed up the works.

Hmm. Somebody switched my web cartridge.

If I'd used this, bye-bye, Spidey.

I'm gonna take this
out of your pay, Spider-Man.

All right, everybody. Half-hour break.

[Spider-Man] There's Jameson's estate.

And time's running out.

Third one accomplished, boss.

Okay, Larry, up, up, and away!

It can't be!

[Spider-Man] But it is.

Thank goodness there's no glass
to break around here.

[thuds]

[engine sputtering]

[crashing]

[Officer] You're under arrest,
Triangle of Evil.

Look, Officer, those characters there

are two points of the Triangle.

Get me to the Beyond Belief location,

and I'll get you the third member.

[Stuntman] Okay, Schlocker,
Spider-Man's a no-show.

I win by default, right?

There they are.
Pull right up to the Stuntman.

Ready when you are, Stuntman.

All right. First one
across the bridge wins.

Don't forget, this is the final stunt.

Winner take all!

Huh? "Winner take all"?

That's not what I... Hey!

I hope Peter Parker's camera
can get a few bonus bucks

out of those action shots.

Uh-oh. Stuntman's moving out.

This oughta stop him.

What the...

I thought dirty tricks were my department.

Ugh! New York traffic.

Going down.

He's got to come up
to cross the finish line.

That's really dirty. Tar!

See you at the dry cleaner's, loser.

What now, Spidey boy?

Just about all out of webbing.

A crane with a magnet.

It's worth one last try.

Stuntman's at least half metal.
This should work.

[laughing]

It's all over but the shouting.

Ah! Hey!

I think I'll give him a big finish

with the last of my webbing.

[chickens clucking]

Did you see that? That web head won!

But look at him. Tarred and feathered.

[laughing] I'd pay any price
for a picture of that.

You got it, guys? Have you got it?

Irv, did you catch it all?

No problem, G.S.

Uh-oh. Uh, maybe just one little one.

The tape... There's nothing on the tape!

I'm ruined!

Well, that's showbiz, G.S.

[grunts]

My money, please, Mr. Schlocker.

Get outta here! No show, no money!
Read your contract!

Now that really is showbiz.

This is the most degrading shot
of Spidey ever taken.

This picture would destroy
what's left of his image.

No amount of money could change my mind.

Here are the pictures
I got of the big finish, J.J.

Uh, and I need the money.

Hmm. Not bad, kid. Not good, either.

I'll pay the usual. Take it or leave it.

But I'd pay 10, no, 20 times that

for a shot of Spider-Man
tarred and feathered.

Uh, J. J., almost forgot.

Here's one more.

Say, now, that's more like it!

Yes! That's real front-page stuff!

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
you were able to pay our bills.

Did you see this?

That terrible Spider-Man

got his comeuppance.

Look. Look!

I've seen it, Aunt May. I've seen it.

Oh, boy, have I seen it.

[theme music playing]