01x01 - If This Be... M.O.D.O.K.!

[bunniefuu]

[boy crying]

Hmm. Oh! Here we go.

[boy] They broke my invention.

They-- They called me "Big-head."

[mother sighs]

One day, that big, beautiful,

womb-wrecking head of yours

is going to dream up fantastic things,

and you're going to change the world.

[echoing] …world, world, world.

Time to change the world

by bringing it to its knees! Attack!

[grunts]

M-M.O.D.O.K.!

And do you know

what M.O.D.O.K. stands for?

Mental Organism Designed--

-For k*ll--

-[pilot] Made it! [screams]

For k*lling.

After my A.I.M. soldiers destroy the

stock exchange and topple the economy,

I, M.O.D.O.K., will build

a new technological utopia in my image--

-[repulsor blast]

-[grunts]

Iron Man?

Cheap shot to the back of the head,

I know.

But I was actually aiming for literally

any other part of your body but--

Oh, come on, Mary Berry!

That pie crust was next-level flaky!

You shall pay for--

Are you binge-watching The Great British

Bake Off in your helmet while we fight?

No. I'm savoring The Great

British Bake Off, making it last.

No more than two episodes a day.

Three, tops.

[M.O.D.O.K. grunts]

Aha!

[grunts]

Edd Kimber wins with his ginger tart!

Uh-oh.

[female spokesperson]

A.I.M.: Advanced Idea Mechanics.

Pushing the boundaries of science,

t*rture and advanced weaponry.

At A.I.M.,

we do science for science's sake

and we're settling for nothing less

than conquering the world.

[M.O.D.O.K.] We got Iron Man's boot!

-[agents] Boot! Boot! Boot! Boot!

-[agent 1] Yeah, M.O.D.O.K.!

We didn't destabilize the world economy,

but Iron Man kicked me so hard,

his boot got wedged in my hoverchair,

so victory!

The as*ault on New York

was a colossal failure because of you.

Stark knew we were coming.

You tweeted, "Current Mood:

About to attack Wall Street."

Okay, I know what this is.

This is boot envy.

You're better than that, Monica.

I came to A.I.M. to work

with the brilliant M.O.D.O.K.,

who mutated himself through experiments.

Who once reversed the Earth's gravity,

made people into dinosaurs

and then dinosaurs into people.

You were gonna change the world.

Baby steps, Monica. Baby steps.

Who wants to touch me

while I touch the boot?

-[agent 2] Me!

-[agent 3] I wanna touch that!

Where does he go at night?

Nobody knows.

[groans] No one took the cans out?

[grunting]

[straining] Come on. Ah, sh*t.

And look at that.

With just a little more effort,

your socks can be folded

into the shape of a Bavarian pretzel.

And it only took us ten hours?

-Jesus.

-[mumbling]

Anyway, if you like what you saw,

check out my book, Jodify Your Life, and--

Jodie!

-All right, moms--

-Your man got boot!

Hasta mom-yana!

[groans] You're at the end

of all my videos. Whatever.

Big news! My book made it

on to the self-published self-help charts.

I'm getting approached

for sponsorship deals with huge companies.

YouTube, Google, GRUMBL, GRIMPL--

This boot smells like potpourri.

A fall scent.

Do you think he changes it

for the seasons?

You know what?

The smoothie machine's acting up.

[groans] Again?

And don't just bang on it

with your fist this time.

Uh, did Ross-Dress-For-Less over there

just call me a smoothie machine?

I'm the Super-Adaptoid, a high-tech robot

with an artist's soul. I-- [screams]

[robotic voice]

Enjoy your Blueberry Blast.

[sips] Ugh. Too sweet.

Oh, I forgot.

Lou! Ven ahorita!

You need to talk to your son.

Why? I talked to Lou this morning.

I demanded he bring me toilet paper.

A solid convo.

Lou, please explain to your father why

we spent all day at the mall

and you still

don't have a bar mitzvah suit?

I am looking for something classy,

but none of the suits

had extra-long coattails,

Dracula collars or sleeves wide enough

to house doves.

Spoiler alert: I plan to release doves

during my Torah reading.

Magic? Lou, why can't you just pick

a normal teenage boy theme?

Like sports or tugboats?

I hate my life!

Oh, Melissa. What happened at practice?

Tricia Katzky's new figure skating costume

was egg white,

which is only two shades away

from my cloud white costume.

So I catfished her, leaked her DMs,

and now everyone at school

knows about her "blood disorder,"

and somehow,

I'm the one who gets detention.

Melly, we've talked about this.

You can't catfish people…

without using a VPN

to disguise your IP address.

Now, listen up, everyone.

Mom's got big news.

Your mother's about to volunteer

to sleep on the couch

so I can spend the night in my marital bed

with Iron Man's boot.

[sighs]

Eight million on the hover bikes,

20 million on the laser cannon,

30 million for the airships

and 49.95 for the software that lets me

put price tags on video footage.

That! That last thing. Let's cut that.

Am I… good businessman?

We need to talk about the leadership

of this organization.

How dare you question my--

What-- What the hell is that?

An experiment. Now, it's time you--

Oh, Jesus, it just pissed out of

what I thought was its mouth!

It's fine. But A.I.M. is not,

because you have failed to--

Okay, it just scratched "k*ll me"

into the linoleum--

I said it's fine!

It's time you stepped down

and let me run A.I.M.

Uh, yeah, about that.

If these numbers are correct, soon

there won't be any A.I.M. to run at all.

-What?

-We're completely out of cash,

even accounting for sales of weapons,

stolen Vibranium

and bootleg Avengers toys.

Some kids prefer Spooderman.

Even so, we're bankrupt.

Impossible! You are hereby relieved

of your status as CPA Supreme

and as a living person!

Remember,

I still need to do your personal taxes.

I'm sorry. I--

I thought this coffee was for everyone.

[M.O.D.O.K.]

I have a very simple plan to save A.I.M.

I'm going to rob Fort Knox by opening

an Einstein-Rosen bridge into the--

What the hell?

We, uh, couldn't pay the power bill.

This slight against us

must be properly avenged.

Okay. Fort Knox is still on, but first,

we make the power company pay

for trying to make us pay--

What? [groans] Damn marker!

Our forces, the salt, will strike back

at Expo Markers Incorporated

so we can return to getting back at the

power company and then rob Fort Knox.

What was represented

by the Tapatio bottle again?

Nothing. It's for my burrito.

Moron! You've bankrupted

this organization. A.I.M. is finished.

-I guess I gotta find a new job.

-[all murmuring]

Don't worry. M.O.D.O.K. will fix this.

M.O.D.O.K. will save you all.

-[helicopter approaching]

-We're under attack. Die for me!

[man] Oh, man.

Did my Ambien never wear off?

'Cause I feel like I'm dreaming.

Me, meeting M.O.D.O.K.

Bring it in for a hug, Mo'Money.

Ugh! No area's more sacred

than M.O.D.O.K.'s personal space.

Prepare to suck saw!

[chuckles] I love it. Love it. I'm Austin

Van Der Sleet. I work for GRUMBL.

-The tech company?

-We heard you need funding.

Why would-- would you think that?

Because of your GRUMBL searches.

"How to save company from bankruptcy,"

"My empire is crumbling,"

"Oh, God, oh, God,"

and "Coolest ways to commit suicide."

We share a family computer.

It was probably my son's empire

that was crumbling.

GRUMBL's so impressed

with your brilliant mind

that they wanna buy a controlling stake

in A.I.M. so it can continue to exist.

-[all cheer]

-Absolutely not!

-[all groan]

-What?

M.O.D.O.K. is his own master.

M.O.D.O.K. bows to no one.

Except for Murray Goldfarb,

the Schnitzel King,

whose heavenly schnitzel,

served at affordable prices,

brings M.O.D.O.K. to his knees!

If we're not taking this money,

where are we gonna work?

All right.

We need big ideas to save A.I.M.

You guys are my brain trust.

What have you got for me?

-Blood car.

-What's that?

It's a car that runs on blood.

Terrible. What else?

Oh, oh! We watch Wolf of Wall Street

and do what the wolf does.

I said stop pitching that. What else?

Your, uh, toilet's broken.

Huh. I like it.

I don't understand it, but I like it.

I still don't have a bar mitzvah suit.

I'm looking for the right fabric.

Do you mind if I have a feel real quick?

Not at all, son of M.O.D.O.K.

Lou, stop fondling my brain trust!

Dad, one of your dumbasses spilled acid

all over my boyfriend.

Come on, guys. Acid is expensive.

M.O.D.O.K.,

can I talk to you for a minute?

I was listening at the door,

and just my two cents,

but maybe it's time to let A.I.M. go.

Never! M.O.D.O.K. doesn't give up.

"Flailerg" isn't even in my vocabulary.

Were you trying to say "failure"?

Yes. I literally deleted it

from my memory banks.

You don't have to worry.

I'm making enough to support us.

Maybe it's my turn to take the reins.

A.I.M. is M.O.D.O.K. M.O.D.O.K. is A.I.M.

Without it, I wouldn't even know who I am.

Wow. If that's true,

I think we need to have a very serious

conversation about what that means for us.

Oh! I'll get it.

Oh, I hope it's the cool mailman.

Austin? I should vaporize you for your--

Oh, you vape? Dope.

You know,

I was just in the neighborhood and--

Aw, forget it.

You're not the kind of guy

that likes to be wined and dined

at exclusive

six-Michelin-star restaurants.

You probably got lots of cool stuff

going on here that you'd hate to leave.

-[agents] Bar Mitzvah Boy!

-On and up. Jewish king coming through.

Up, up, up, up.

Come on. Now, the other toilet's broken.

Fine, let's go,

but I'm not selling my company.

[chews] And I'm not spitting out this gum.

I just put it in,

and it's got another 45 minutes.

It shall share my mouth

with the appetizers.

Look, the last thing I wanna do

is talk about GRUMBL.

But, you see,

GRUMBL never intended to offend you.

[chomps]

[Austin] GRUMBL thinks you're a genius.

Your tech's beyond anything being done

at Apple, Google, even ITT Tech,

and those guys are getting the skills they

need to advance in today's marketplace.

Best of all,

GRUMBL wants to be extremely hands-off.

Easy, let me.

And let you k*ll

all the Iron Mans you want

as long as you deliver them

a hot new tablet by Christmas.

So sorry we had to stop by GRUMBL.

Quick work thing. I'll be right back.

Make yourself at home.

There's Monster energy drinks

in literally every drawer.

[sighs] Okay. Mmm. No.

Uh. Uh.

Oh.

[toy beeping]

Okay, you got me. I'm a huge fan.

That toy got me

through my parents' divorce.

Great, whatever. Can I have it?

It's the only thing I salvaged

from my childhood home after the fire.

[groans] Can I have it?

Sorry. It means too much to me.

[M.O.D.O.K. clapping]

You may have thought

this was just a casual night out,

but from the moment

I accepted your invitation,

you unknowingly entered

my cerebral gymnasium,

unaware that you were facing off

on the phrenic pommel horse

with the Gabby Douglas

of mental gymnastics.

I honestly have no idea

what you're talking about.

It was a test, and you passed.

Wait. Are you saying…

I'll allow GRUMBL to invest in A.I.M.

Thought that was super clear.

Oh! Sick!

You did it, M.O.D.O.K. You saved A.I.M.

Time to enjoy a return to normalcy.

[groans, mumbles]

What is all of this?

Oh, this is Go Lean Crunch,

and this is Go Lean Seven Grain.

Seven grains is too many grains

for one cereal!

[children laughing]

What happened to my t*rture chamber?

GRUMBL had it changed to a day care.

But I tortured my first

S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in here.

Brian. Oh, really nice guy.

Super funny too.

[imitating Brian]

"Oh, I think my lung collapsed."

[laughs]

He wasn't lying.

Just disabling

the laser-grid security system.

All good, kids! Yay!

-[children screaming]

-Did he make it?

I'll deal with these changes later.

Better to let my anger fester

while I bury myself in my work.

You! Guy who weirdly walked

in front of my mind blast

and purposefully injured himself.

Name's Gary. Short for Garfield,

though I do like Mondays--

Hey, shut up. Why is no one

working on my Cerebral Cortex Manipulator?

It hacks the brain,

allowing me to control another's actions.

I was trying to make the rat

do the Electric Slide,

so clearly there is more work to be done.

Where's my team?

Ta-da! You're looking at him.

Uh, GRUMBL, um, reassigned the rest.

They did what?

Yeah. I mean, they didn't think a brain

enslaver was the best use of resources

and moved them on to a new project:

Fitbits for pets!

What?

Hey, I was actually hoping

you could reattach my arm?

You know, ever since you separated it

from me, my shirts are, um, fitting badly.

Where's Austin? Where's--

[gasps]

Fool! Why would you ever

desecrate my magnificent mural?

Me? Big fan. Love the mural.

I weep in awe of its beauty.

But some employees filed a complaint

about its appropriateness.

What? Why?

Who dares complain?

Ooh, that's confidential.

[laughs] It was me! Suck it.

Enough! I want everything

back to the way it was!

Ah, bummer, dude. You gave away control

when GRUMBL acquired A.I.M.

It was all clearly stated

in the contracts.

What? I don't remember that.

And I have a computer brain.

As you can see the first part says

you'll relinquish total control

to the GRUMBL board

of directors posthaste.

No! I control A.I.M.!

Sort of no.

But you are in control of Team Tablet!

When can we expect some movement on that?

Never! What M.O.D.O.K. says, goes!

And to quote M.O.D.O.K.,

"The mural stays!"

When I'm done,

you won't even miss that eyesore.

[M.O.D.O.K.]

That's how you decorate a wall.

Do you wanna hold Mr. Waffles

the therapy bunny again?

I want to chemically castrate Austin!

Uh, maybe just a few more pets.

Well, you vaporized an outside contractor.

That's your first strike.

Well, technically, my first tactical

strike was absorbing my twin in the womb.

[M.O.D.O.K.'s twin] I'm still inside you!

That was gas.

I'm recommending a three-day

forced sabbatical. Suspension.

This place doesn't function without me.

I'm the boss. The Big Cheese.

The King Queso. The Cheddar Daddy.

-Cheddar Daddy?

-Is a thing people say!

[grunts, shudders] My brain!

That'd be the neural inhibitor.

In accordance with the no k*lling clause

in your contract,

you can no longer blast

any more employees.

It's idiotic to put a mental condom

on the horse p*nis that is my mind!

I'll need your security access card

during your sabbatical.

[sighs]

But M.O.D.O.K. will not leave

without reparations.

Your precious Mr. Waffles is now mine.

Eh, I didn't even want this.

-[children screaming]

-Not again!

I cannot believe they laid us all off.

What? These are my people to fire!

I wish there was something I could do,

but GRUMBL controls A.I.M. now!

Technically, they don't control it yet.

The contracts had to be

reviewed by GRUMBL headquarters

before they arrive tomorrow

for Austin to officially sign.

But what if he changes his mind?

Or we changes his mind! That's it!

We break into Austin's office,

hack his brain before he signs,

and revert control of A.I.M. to me!

We're doin' a mind heist, baby!

We can heist the mind,

but we must leave the soul.

That belongs to God.

All right. Sure, Gary.

The mind heist mission will be risky.

Dangerous.

Hell, most of you won't be coming back.

But not to fear. If you shall fall,

your family will be provided for

with the gift

of a frozen Butterball turkey!

And not those skinny-minnies either.

We're talking 15-pounders.

Step one.

Without my security access card,

we'll have to break into A.I.M.

Luckily there's a weak spot.

And that's where I come in!

No!

My childish boy will help us exploit it.

-[children giggles]

-[chews]

[M.O.D.O.K.] Once we're in,

I'll modify the Cortex Manipulator,

so I can attach it

directly to Austin's brain.

Right. Right, right.

And that-- Then that's where I come in!

I morph into a chainsaw

and cut off Austin's skull!

No! This has to look legit.

Therefore, I'm gonna shrink down

to microscopic size

and enter Austin's body via a dart g*n.

Then, I'll pass it around so everyone

can marvel at the adorably tiny c*ck.

'Scuse me. Where the hell do I come in?

Your purpose will be ladder!

This is some bullshit.

My shrinking pills

are on a really high shelf.

You have a hoverchair. You can fly!

It's a leg day.

I, M.O.D.O.K.,

reverse engineered Pym Particles

and then improved their design

by making them chewables!

I can't swallow pills.

-Trespassing on company grounds?

-Monica!

Let's see what Austin

has to say about this.

You think I'm afraid of--

Run!

Crap. A few of those are shrinkies

but most are…

-[growls]

-[bones crackling]

…growies.

[growls]

No! [screams]

I declare this death: no turkey!

Stupid neural inhibitor.

Do you have your amputated arm?

You're gonna reattach it right now?

Gary's tennis game is back on!

Oh, no!

Suck it!

You know,

it's so incredible to bring, like…

I've only got one Pym gummy left,

and they don't last long.

Now, let's get smaller.

[in high-pitched voice] Yeah!

Austin, here I come!

And really, what at the end of the day

was good for the company…

Wait, who's this? No!

Who am I in? No, that's not right.

In whom be M.O.D.O.K.?

No, I…

I'm looking at Austin,

and he doesn't have the contracts yet.

I still have a chance, but there's not

much time before I get bigger.

Okay, let's peep some memories.

See who I'm ridin' dirty.

Wait, what?

This sicko's been in my house!

Watched my children sleep!

Had sex with me?

Oh, crap. I think I'm in…

Jodie! Wow.

Me meeting the author

of Jodify Your Life. #chills.

Thank you for meeting me.

Becoming a brand ambassador

for the GRUMBL Home Device

would be #dream come true.

And a hello to you, GRUMBL Home.

That's not it. That's just a cube.

Oh, yeah, no, I totally knew that.

Such a great cube. So lovely.

Are you sure this isn't

a conflict of interest with my husband?

Modawg? He's my boy.

I love his crazy style!

But you should know you're here

strictly because we're interested in you.

-The final A.I.M. contracts arrived.

-Thank you, male secretary.

This'll just take a moment.

No, he's signing and I'm stuck in here!

It's not like I can hijack my wife's body.

That'd be unforgivable.

Unless…

One time she told me I could?

[Jodie] What do you think?

I just cut my bangs.

[sobbing] I'll never get bangs again!

M.O.D.O.K., I'm pregnant. With bangs!

M.O.D.O.K.,

this time I think I'm really pregnant.

I'm also thinking about growing out

my bangs, what do you think?

Oh, there's nothing here.

[Jodie] I believe in you, M.O.D.O.K.

But Iron Man stomped us.

Again. Maybe I should give this all up.

[Jodie] Screw Iron Man!

A.I.M., your plans

for conquering the world.

They're all worth fighting for,

and you're not fighting alone.

-Really?

-This marriage is a two-way street.

I'll always support you,

and you'll always support--

She did tell me I could hijack her body.

-Ha!

-Oh!

I don't know why I did that.

It's okay. It's so rude

I have to do this anyways.

Tell me more about yourself

while I sign this.

I just hit 800,000 subscribers.

Are you gonna knock this one

out of my hand?

I swear that I'm not--

Whoa! Okay! Whoa!

I'm so sorry.

I seem to have lost control of my body!

Maybe you should get out of here!

No. As a woman in the corporate space,

you've worked too hard to get here.

[grunts] Tell me more!

Have I mentioned my reach in

bilingual demos? Español. Habla Español.

[grunts]

Diversity's so important.

[laughs] Beat his a*s, Jodie!

Ooh! What's that?

[screams, coughs]

If you're not feeling up to it,

we could always reschedge!

I'd love to leave,

but I don't think I can!

Oh, you work out?

Fitness, actually a huge part of my brand.

[grunts]

This has been great, Jodie,

but I really have to sign these contracts

before close of business.

Hey-o!

I have a ton of ideas

for extending into athleisure.

And I'm so, so sorry. [sneezes]

Bless you.

Mommy, wow! M.O.D.O.K. is big now!

M.O.D.O.K.? I should've known. Oh, God!

Great pitch!

Okay, Austin.

You can forget about signing those--

Signed, sealed and delivered.

No!

I had a feeling you were behind this.

Your crazy style was written all over it.

Of course, I'm going to have to take

harsh disciplinary action towards you.

You dare threaten M.O.D.O.K.?

Oh, not me. GRUMBL.

You're not in control anymore.

And unless you start playing ball,

your time at A.I.M. might be limited.

Did you do it? Did you save our jobs?

[sighs]

Just give 'em back their jobs.

Come on. Do it for me, M.O.D.O.K.,

your favorite childhood toy.

Yeah, that was my trick on you.

I got it on Craigslist.

They paid me to pick it up.

Because they hated it so much.

Each family member took a moment

to spit on it before they handed it to me.

Okay. Enough. You want me to play ball?

Here. The tablet you're so horny for.

You want it? Rehire my minions.

Whoa! Okay. They're rehired.

But after this,

you're on a tight leash, and I--

I, M.O.D.O.K., have vanquished our foes

and restored you back

to whatever it is you do here!

-[agents straining]

-M.O.D.O.K., M.O.D.O.K.,

M.O.D.O.K., M.O.D.O.K.!

I feel like you're not

in a celebration place, Jodie.

You ruined my deal.

Your memories told me to do it.

So if you're going to be angry at anyone,

be angry at yourself.

[burps]

Haven't passed those Pym Particles.

Anyway,

Austin wasn't making a legitimate offer.

He was just using you to get to me.

I had offers from tons of companies.

And I ended up signing

with Roxxon as a lifestyle influencer,

I will have you know.

[sighs]

M.O.D.O.K.,

it's everything I always wanted.

Magazine covers, reality shows,

my own line of Neti Pots

with my face on it!

I'm gonna be a real brand!

Oh, speaking of brand,

I thought of a brand-new way

to k*ll Austin. Brand him to death!

Right.

Can I interest you two lovebirds

in a dessert?

I called in a lava cake

on the car ride over here.

Excellent choice. Ma'am?

I think-- I think I want a separation.

Ah, you must be referring to the tiramisu,

which is of course separated by layers.

No, I mean, I want a divorce.

Jodie?

Ah, our famous Dove Horse.

A miniature horse

made of creamy Dove chocolate.

Get out of here!

Oh!

Please.

Tell me you wanted that horse dessert.

No, I think I do want a divorce. From you.

M.O.D.O.K. can fix this.

I'll pay more attention to you.

I'll eat less stuff off the ground.

I'll call out your name

during sex instead of mine!

I'll change.

I think-- I think I'm just gonna go.

You dare divorce M.O.D.O.K.?

[sniffles]

[burps]

sh*t.