01x02 - The M.O.D.O.K. That Time Forgot!

[bunniefuu]

-[chuckles] This is me. Mine. I want that.

-Ooh! This is mine. Mine.

-No. That's mine. I call Roomba.

-Mine.

-Mine. Mine.

-Ooh, ooh, ooh. I call Dad's flat-screen.

I call--

You're both good kids,

and that's why I'd be happy

to go with either of you.

-Aaah! Six-foot extension cord!

-That goes with my TV!

Ah, you rotten kids!

-I saw it first!

-Dad wanted me to have it.

It was one of the last things

he ever said to me.

"Melissa, I think of you

as an extension of me.

I want you to have

the six-foot extension cord

that clearly goes with the TV."

I can hear him saying that.

I'm just moving out. I'm not dead.

To Mom you are.

Oh, my God.

I'm the product of a broken home.

First this,

then I act up in school, drop out.

All of a sudden,

I'm giving happy endings behind an Arby's

just so I can pay for a taste

of that sweet street sleet.

Jesus, Lou. Happy endings?

Does that mean you're giving full massages

behind the Arby's?

Yeah. It's bad.

Kids, listen.

The thing you need to know

about me and your mom is she's lost.

She's lost her mind. She's lost her way.

-You have to stop her!

-[Jodie] M.O.D.O.K.!

-What are you telling the kids?

-I'm comforting them!

If you tell her I said any of this,

this will be one of the many divorces

where it is the kids' fault.

M.O.D.O.K. It's the movers.

They can be here tomorrow.

-Will you be home before 6:00?

-Hmm. Tomorrow?

Let me pull up the old calendar.

Oh, I'm swamped.

What's next week look like?

Oh! Swamped. Swamp, swamp, swamp.

Okay, let's look at Septem--

Nope! Swamptember.

Then in Swamptober I've got that big trip

with the boys to the swamp, of course.

Tell the movers we'll schedule something

in the new year.

M.O.D.O.K., you're stalling.

I'm not stalling. Oh, my God! What's that?

Nice. Just bought myself

three more seconds in the house.

This is starting to really make me sad.

Oh, sweetie, it's okay.

We'll still do things as a family.

The signing of divorce papers,

the ugly custody battle.

-You're gonna be involved with all of it.

-No!

Dad's CD collection.

Who the hell still has CDs?

-What's a Hoobastank?

-The Beatles of the late '90s.

-Who are The Beatles?

-Hoobastank of the early '60s.

[chuckling] Okay. All right.

Third Eye Blind.

I can't believe you still have this.

[sighs] We were all set to see them

at Kirby University,

but we missed it for some reason.

Would've been fun.

You know what? Keep the CD.

Unfortunately, I can't part with it. So,

I'm gonna have to stick around as well.

We need to stay together for the CD.

I need you to pick a date for the movers.

All right, kids.

I'm so sorry I called you rotten.

Here's the deal. I'm scared.

There are a lot of changes going on,

and I do not want to end up

at your dad's studio apartment--

-Why is the toaster talking to us?

-You little brats!

You want a toaster?

Next time you two are taking a bath,

I'm gonna jump in and fry you all to hell!

Uh, we're not little kids anymore.

We don't take baths together.

That makes me so sad.

Where's the time going?

This family is falling apart.

I'm so scared!

-Um… Mocha Frappé for the gentleman.

-Silence!

I'm busy hacking S.H.I.E.L.D.'s servers.

I have no time

to leisurely consume iced beverages.

I didn't say I didn't want it.

Hold it to my mouth while I work.

[slurps]

Well, don't you wanna know

why I'm hacking into S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Yes, of course. Sorry.

I haven't been sleeping well.

-My phantom limb pain's been--

-I'm hacking into S.H.I.E.L.D.

to take back the time machine I invented

and they stole.

Don't you wanna know

why I need the time machine?

Sorry. It's hard to concentrate.

I've been on a lot of antidepressants

-since I lost my favorite arm.

-Oh, my God!

Gary,

keep your personal life out of the office.

I'm gonna use the time machine

to fix my marriage by taking my wife

to a Third Eye Blind concert

from 17 years ago.

Then she'll remember

how things used to be between us.

A time before I felt comfortable enough

to fart in our marital bed

and at her father's deathbed

and at his wake

and during the entirety

of her tearful eulogy.

[chiming]

-Om…

-No! What's happening?

[Austin] M-M-M-Modawg!

Great to see you enjoying

our new Peaceful Pause policy.

All computers shut down

the last minute of every hour.

A gift to all our employees.

You dare attack M.O.D.O.K.'s productivity?

Take a break. Stretch your legs.

Take some time

to nurture your physical self.

I'm in peak physical condition.

Peak condition?

More like peak of sh*t Mountain! [laughs]

sh*t Mountain's not real. She made it up!

-You gotta believe me!

-Ah, the compact disc.

Sometimes, because I'm your superior,

I forget how much older you are than me.

[beeping]

Austin, answer the following questions.

What's the address of your childhood home?

Was your bedroom on the first floor? Did

the window have an easily pickable lock?

-Were you deathly allergic to anything?

-Look at you taking an interest.

401 East 97th Street. Yes. Yes.

And strawberries.

I'm deathly allergic to strawberries.

-[computer chimes]

-You see?

Bros for life in one Peaceful Pause.

How about I pop by with

some Topo Chicos in 59 minutes,

and we do a deep dive on Modaddy-doh-dawg?

-[beeps]

-Aha!

I've located the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility

containing my time machine.

To obtain it, I'll have to use

my incredible mastery of espionage.

[Chicago accent] Hey, I'm water delivery

man Dave Deepdishski from Chicago.

Chi-town, my town, is where I hail from.

When I'm not chowin' down

on authentic hot beef sandwiches,

I'm taking architectural boat tours

and visiting the Sears Tower.

[Australian accent] And I'm Kyle, I am.

From Columbus, Ohio, I hail.

First of all, it's the Willis Tower now.

Secondly, we don't have watercoolers.

Also, how did you get up here?

[normal voice] Plan B. Human projectile!

-[Gary] What's human proj--

-[M.O.D.O.K. shouts]

[sighs] Cerebro, Ultimate Nullifier…

Doctor Strange's prescription pad?

Oh, rip!

Here it is. My time machine!

Hand me that glowing, purple crystal.

-What is it?

-The Celestial Chrono-Crystal.

The cosmic artifact

that powers my time machine.

By the way,

I hope kids were not in the picture

because the crystal you're holding

is highly radioactive.

Definitely sterile now.

Your ba*ls are completely useless.

Purely for show.

[chuckles] What?

Enough about you and the imaginary family

you'll never have.

Time to go save mine!

Well, I guess that's it.

Actually, I was thinking…

-Please, just don't make this difficult.

-Wait. Hear me out.

I thought we could take a trip together.

Somewhere you always wanted to go.

The flagship Bubba Gump Shrimp

in Fort Lauderdale?

-No.

-Bubba Gump Daytona Beach?

-No.

-Bubba Gump Charleston?

No! Why are all the places

you wanna go Bubba Gumps?

I go nuts for their rice. It's the best.

I wanna take you somewhere

no one else can:

that Third Eye Blind concert

we missed 17 years ago,

with this time machine I invented.

Yeah, no.

Leaping through space and time

is super complicated,

and I have a book signing

at Barnes & Noble, and I wanna get there

-before they go out of business.

-It won't take any time at all.

Literally. It's a time machine.

If you'd said yes, we'd be back already.

This feels like another stall.

Think of it as just a civil goodbye

before we part ways.

One last memory before our fresh start.

Huh.

That is surprisingly mature of you.

I mean, yeah.

I-I guess we could try a night out.

-As friends.

-Great!

Let me just punch in the coordinates,

which I totally know how to do, and…

[car alarm horn blaring]

The lease was almost up anyway. And…

Boom! Science!

After you, my lady.

Why, thank you.

Hey, give me a quick thumbs-up

if the hole through space-time

doesn't tear you apart atom by atom.

[exclaims]

What up 17 years in the past party people?

Where's the concert?

Maybe we're early?

Yeah. Four years early!

Oh, no!

We overshot Third Eye Blind,

and we're in the year of Chumbawamba.

Stupid thing probably didn't account for

leap years and daylight savings time

and the gold bangles

you shouldn't have worn into the portal

because everyone knows

you can't wear metal into a portal.

Are you seriously blaming me?

Your hoverchair

is nine different kinds of metal!

Oh, look who's suddenly a metallurgist!

I didn't know you were keeping track

of all the alloys in my chair.

-[electricity zapping]

-[boy screaming]

Aaah! I won't touch your stuff!

You dare eat M.O.D.O.K.'s ramen?

You obviously have a death wish.

Seriously,

you never wear flip-flops in the showers.

It's like you want meningitis, Tyler.

[screams]

You are but one of the many I will crush

along my path to self-assured greatness.

For the future is M.O.D.O.K.!

I know how to work the time machine!

I invented the time machine!

-This is a bigger disaster than…

-That's me! That's my future self.

I knew I'd crack the laws of time.

You never believed me, Tyler,

and you never once complimented

my hilarious poster.

I can't even look at it right now.

[laughs] Oh…

I've gotta go meet myself

and hear how I conquered the world.

[screaming]

We're stuck here, aren't we?

I need quiet, Jodie.

My masterful computer brain

is processing incredibly complicate--

Oh! I put a paper clip in the little hole

in my time machine watchy-thing,

and something's happening.

Are you sure we should keep screwing

with time travel?

I know how time travel works.

Now quick, through the doory door thing

before the wavy stuff closes!

Wait, future me! I have so many questions.

Oh, crap! My favorite Teva!

[rock music playing]

Holy sh*t! It worked.

I mean… [clears throat]

[in deep voice] Holy sh*t! It worked.

Wow! They sound so good live!

Oh, I just hope they play

my favorite song.

You know the one that's like…

[mutters rhythmically]

Yeah girl

[mutters]

I can't remember why we missed

the concert in the first place,

but, oh, I'm so glad we finally made it.

["Never Let You Go" playing]

[laughs]

Come on. Dance.

Me? Dance? I--

Ugh. Get out of that big head of yours

and enjoy this with me.

-What are you-- [chuckles]

-[laughs]

Aw, look at you. [laughs]

Hey! Let's get closer to the stage.

Excuse me. Excuse me? Can I just--

[M.O.D.O.K.] Allow me.

[people scream]

What a gentleman.

I wanna do something reckless.

Okay. Una, dos, tres!

You, catch my girl or die.

And you, bend your g*dd*mn knees

and protect the back.

And you, your face is round.

You're supposed to wear square glasses.

Whoo! [laughing]

I… I--

[man] Don't forget about Child Slaughter!

That's right. Child Slaughter. The band.

With their new album, Death by Strawberry.

-Act now because next stop is Austin.

-[Jodie giggling]

Whoo! Oh, watch your hands, buddy.

[giggling]

[beeping]

[groans] I don't wanna leave now.

Featuring the new single,

"You'll Be Back in a Minute,

She Won't Even Know."

Well, can't fight the universe.

Whoo!

He's up to something. Follow him, girl!

Is that a song by Child Slaughter?

No. It's an opinion. By me!

Enjoy your dreams, young Austin,

for they shall be your last-- Whoa!

A red Ferrari race car bed?

Even in your final moments,

you continue to lord your power over me.

[sighs]

Wait. Can I really do this?

Okay. Pro: I stop him

and he never grows up to take over A.I.M.

Con: I'm doing a boy m*rder.

Oh, but maybe he's an evil child.

[sighs]

Synergistic paradigm.

Vertical integration.

Open wide. Strawberry fairy's here.

What are you doing?

Uh, this is my friend who said

when he was younger

he wished he had woken up

with jelly in his mouth?

-Oh, boy.

-Austin.

And let me guess, he's allergic to jelly?

Strawberries.

This was a work trip? I was a plus one?

I don't know why I thought

I could expect you to--

Stop trying to k*ll him while I'm talking.

But he took my company from me!

You disgust me.

Jodie, look. It's me from college.

Silence, you worm!

And what a rude little boy I am.

I followed you from my time.

What a disappointment.

All my genius reduced

to a pathetic, sniveling husband

that uses time travel to attend concerts

with some big-hipped woman

instead of taking over the world.

Your youthful ignorance is laughable.

In time you will learn that

M.O.D.O.K. likes them big old juicy butts!

Now give me back my time machine!

[growls, grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[growls]

[grunting]

You were supposed to be emperor

of a perfect world.

Not some sad dad who answers to others.

I refuse to accept you as my future!

And I'd spank you if you weren't myself.

[lasers charging]

[Chrono-Crystal humming]

[exclaims]

[screaming]

-Oh, my God!

-I know.

Austin slept through the entire fight.

He's always so well-rested.

You just k*lled your younger self.

Are you gonna be erased?

No! No! My foot's starting to disappear.

It's indescribably painful--

Oh, I just stepped on a Lego.

We must go find me in this timeline.

See if I'm still here.

It's official. We're pregnant.

Are you excited?

How can I be excited about a birth

when I have to plan a funeral

for all of my dreams!

[exhales] Okay.

Thank God. You still exist.

The portal must have just returned

my college-aged self

to the year he came from, setting

everything back to the way it should be.

Look, I totally forgot.

We missed the concert because we'd just

found out I was pregnant with Melissa.

Not exactly your finest hour.

-No, no, no. No!

-[crying]

I wanna go home. Build another

time machine and get us out of here.

I-I can't. It's broken.

So fix it. You invented it.

Yeah, about that.

I could tell you misheard me before.

I never said I invented the time machine.

Monica invented the time machine.

I said I indented the time machine.

I sat on it in the lab while Monica was,

you know, inventing it.

So we have to find Monica

if we wanna get home?

Unless you want something indented,

and then we could do it right here.

[tween Monica] Hi! Are you the judges?

This is my project,

an instantly regenerating fruit tree!

I'm gonna heal the world's hunger problem

with my big brain and even bigger heart!

This is the girl

who makes you cry at work?

She says mean lies about my body

that I wish weren't true.

Hi, yeah. Uh, we're from the future.

You built a time machine that he broke,

and we need you to build another one,

or we're stuck here.

I'm so sorry, future lady.

I don't know how

to make a time machine yet.

I'm still stuck

on more rudimentary problems

like spontaneous organic matter genesis.

Oh, my God. We're trapped in the past.

Well, gee. If you're stuck in the past,

you can't interact

with anyone or anything.

You could end up erasing

everything you care about in the future.

Bubba Gump Shrimp--

Uh, I mean, uh, the children!

Relax. I won't mess with stuff.

By the way,

there's something wrong with your tree.

[gasps] What did you do?

I don't even like the taste.

I was just curious to see if my body

was capable of defeating it.

It was!

Whatever this is, I hate it!

First place goes to Billy McGirk

for his electric potato clock.

At least review my research!

-Billy's clock doesn't even work!

-But can you imagine if it did!

Astonishing!

As for you, silly girl.

Leave the science to the boys.

Damn, I'm a great guidance counselor!

Whatever this is, I hate it!

Leave the science to the boys!

This is a nightmare.

But what if this was a good nightmare?

Like when you're being chased

by a wolfman, but he's got big boobs.

Yeah, yeah. We've all had that dream. So?

Well, I saw you at the concert,

and you seemed so carefree and unburdened.

Your scowl lines, barely visible.

We could keep that feeling going.

What are you talking about?

We can catch up on all the other concerts

and pop culture we missed over the years.

Imagine, getting to see

Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

on the big screen

the way it was meant to be.

You don't get it, do you?

We're never gonna get to see

our kids grow up, get married.

[sighs] You know what,

I would rather spend the rest of my life

trapped in the past alone

than spend another second with you.

Good! Because you talked

all the way through Chipwrecked,

and I missed pivotal plot points!

Perhaps I'll finally understand

why Dave got so pissed at Alvin

for eating all the peanut butter

in the first act.

Yes, when it comes out in just 11

short years, M.O.D.O.K. will have answers!

[dramatic music playing on TV]

[M.O.D.O.K.] See, Jodie?

If we weren't stranded in the past,

we would never know how much

this cider house rules!

Sir, we know you've been living

in this IKEA.

You need to leave.

We also know there are 500 meatballs

missing from the cafeteria.

[M.O.D.O.K.]

Sorry, what does this have to do with me?

That's clearly 500 meatballs

in the shape of a woman!

And what a woman!

Look at her, shedding those pounds.

Trimspa, baby!

-Sir, the police will be here any moment.

-I get it. I'm going.

Can I have a moment

to say goodbye to my wife?

[eating noisily]

Ah, the old house.

We were so young,

and we didn't have much money,

but it was a hell of a lot more money

than I have now.

M.O.D.O.K., are you robbing us?

Jodie? Holy sh*t! You work for NASA now?

No, I fished this out of a dumpster.

I live in the woods. I eat squirrels.

Good. So you landed on your feet.

I-I've been thriving too. Lots of friends.

None of them meat. Or ba*ls.

Certainly not a delicious combination

of the two.

-Listen, I've been thinking a lot--

-[gasps] Shh!

No, you need to hear this.

It turns out doing nothing but catching up

on years of pop culture is lonely.

Will you just shut up and look?

[baby Melissa crying]

Ooh? Ooh…

[acoustic cover

of "Never Let You Go" playing]

-[cat yowls]

-[baby Melissa giggling]

[giggling]

[gobbling]

[gobbling continues]

[car alarm horn blaring]

The lease was almost up anyway. And…

Boom! Science!

-After you, my lady.

-Why thank you--

[elderly M.O.D.O.K. screaming]

[M.O.D.O.K.] What's happening?

[shouts]

["Never Let You Go" playing backward]

Wait,

we need to tell them that we belong to--

Well, that was super weird.

What do you think she was saying?

We belong to--

Who cares?

Two old squirrel-people versions of us

just jumped out of the bushes.

Seems like your time travel plans

went haywire. Just like I knew they would.

Okay, no time travel,

but I have a cosmic cube--

No! No more time travel,

no more portals, no more stalling.

You just need to go.

Let me fix this.

Let me make us like we used to be.

You can't.

We're not those people anymore,

M.O.D.O.K. We've changed.

[acoustic "Never Let You Go" resumes]

[gobbles]

Not tonight, Turkey Man. Not tonight.

[Super-Adaptoid] Uh, this place is nice.

The duct tape holding the toilet together

happens to match the color

of all the silverfish living in it.

I find that very charming.

Let's call this what it is. Bad.

-Oh, it's rock bottom.

-Let's, uh, back it up to bad.

But it's just a temporary reversal,

because this is still our future.

Aw, you got a cute little locket

of your family.

It's not a locket. It's a destiny pendant

that I got at Claire's.

And it stores this.

Behold,

M.O.D.O.K.'s Republic of M.O.D.O.K.

Working title.

Because it's working so well.

Eh…

It will be the capital city of my utopia

after I conquer the world.

Tomorrow, the sun will rise

behind these broken vertical blinds,

and a new day will dawn.

I shall reclaim A.I.M.

I shall reclaim my family.

I shall reclaim my destiny!

[man] How about you reclaim

my foot up your as*h*le?

How dare you overhear me!

Identify yourself, coward!

[man] I'm Tony in 4G!

I'm gonna come over there

and curb stomp you, you shithead!

Where are you?

I'm the old Polish woman in 3B, tough guy.

Yes! Tomorrow marks the birth

of M.O.D.O.K. 2.0!

[sighs]

[singing "Semi-Charmed Life" off-key]

-[door opens]

-[singing chorus] Right?

Hey! [muttering, growling]

Finally. I made it.

M.O.D.O.K., we were supposed to rule

the world, but you ruined our future.

I'm here to fix it,

and that starts with your family.

But first, I must learn if Dippin' Dots

has taken its rightful place

as the ice cream of the future.

[acoustic "Never Let You Go" playing]