01x04 - If Saturday Be... For the Boys!

[bunniefuu]

[M.O.D.O.K.] Ah, a weekend free

of the challenges of marriage, fatherhood,

and the running of A.I.M.

Sixty-three hours

of unfettered recreation.

[guitar strumming]

[man] I'm not wearing a wire.

You're wearing a wire.

Sixty-two hours, 54 minutes left.

Now what to do?

Why don't you hang out with me?

We can tell our future, find out where

we're gonna live, who we're gonna marry.

A shack with Mama Fratelli

from The Goonies? Two hundred kids?

[sighs] Just turn into a TV.

-[rock music playing on TV]

-Yes! Yes, beer. Alcohol.

Drink it with your friend,

your robot best friend.

Alcohol.

I can drown my loneliness in alcohol.

Yeah.

Not with you.

With people worthy of my company.

-Then what do I do?

-I don't know. Chase bubbles?

Um, I'm a state-of-the-art sentient robot.

I'm not some--

[gasps, chuckles] Bubbles! Bubbles.

[chuckling] How do they float?

[techno music playing on speakers]

[woman sighs] Is this card current?

Have you paid your dues?

-I'm sort of a "walk right in" kinda guy.

-Yeah, no.

Who's filling my ears with nonsense

while I drink Pinot Grigio?

Wha-- Hey. That guy knows me.

Leader! Help me out.

Tell everyone

how much better than you I am.

This is a sophisticated club

for elite villains, not a riffrafferarium.

You're out of your weight class, darling.

[chuckles] Joke's on you.

I've never been heavier.

-He means you're small potatoes.

-[glasses clink]

I just came from Ponderosa Steakhouse.

I'm full of huge potatoes.

They're saying

you're not a top-tier supervillain.

Ponderosa classified me

as a supper villain.

Good Lord. Get out of here.

I'm a big deal.

I just fought Iron Man. I stole his boot.

Your a*s stole his boot

when he shoved it too far inside you.

You guys are pricks.

Let me hang out with you!

You want to impress us, eh?

Why don't you fetch

Captain America's shield?

Then we'll let you in.

But he loves that thing.

Plus,

I'd have to break into Avengers Tower.

[chuckling] Listen to him. Already

making excuses for failure yet to come.

Come on. I wanna tell you

about a house I saw in La Cañada.

Sir, the low-rent villains who

are roundly mocked here usually slink away

to the Bar with No Name.

That kindness just earned you a potato.

I got it started for you.

[Jodie] M.O.D.O.K., you here?

Why are we at Dad's office

on a Friday night?

There's a whole chapter in my book

about recipes I serve my son,

who I claimed has a trendy nut allergy,

and there you are on YouTube

eating ten PayDay bars for no reason.

Oh, it was definitely for a reason.

Can I at least hang at day care?

I love the day care here.

They have those baby urinals

that make me feel like King Piss.

You again? The last time you were here,

you ate all the Play-Doh.

I was practicing

for the ten PayDay bar challenge.

You're a teen. Go to the Teen Zone.

Teen Zone?

Finally a calzone just for teens?

Oh, Teen Zone.

Beanbag chairs? Paradise!

-[scoffs]

-Do you party? I brought hard-boiled eggs.

Save me, Joy Division.

-[rock music playing on headphones]

-Whoa! I like music too!

[blues playing on speakers]

[sighs]

Yes, I'll take a pear brandy cordial.

Plum brandy will do in a pinch.

[bartender] We've got whiskey.

[grunts] Look what you did to my drink,

you dirt man.

Hey, you're M.O.O.M.O.K.

-Hey, Tenpin, it's M.O.O.M.O.K.

-M.O.D.O.K. Mental Organism Designed--

Then what's M.O.O.M.O.K. stand for?

I-- I don't know.

Hey, you wanna play darts?

I mean, someone stole the darts,

but we throw knives and stuff

at Poundcakes.

[grunts]

You throw like a girl who

hasn't fully realized her potential yet.

Come on! It's so cool having you here.

You're one of those big-brain guys.

We're more of a bunch of fisters.

I think I know what you think you mean.

Ah, leave him alone, Armadillo.

Johnny College ain't one of us.

The guy doesn't have the stomach

for down and dirty street crime.

Aaah! My stomach!

You dare challenge my masculinity?

I'll have you know

my last donnybrook was a bona fide fracas.

This guy's a tourist.

Why are you even here, brother?

Shouldn't you be at the Soho Lair?

Well, it turns out

that place isn't cool anymore.

Oh, my God. He couldn't get in.

[all laughing]

They're just breaking ba*ls, man.

Ah, yes. Breaking ba*ls.

I once broke the fused-ring structure

of buckyballs to reverse the--

-Told ya he ain't one of us.

-[rock music playing on jukebox]

You're asking yourself,

"Who's rocking so hard right now?"

It's Sweetleg, my band.

I'm kind of the lead singer.

I'm actually definitely the lead singer.

I don't know why I'm being

so bashful about it.

I don't like it.

If you're a lyrics guy,

you'll probably like our concept album

about a car that turns into a woman

and then has sex with me.

[music stops]

-Hey, I put my last two dollars in there.

-I wanna hear Carly Rae Jepsen. [grunts]

-[shrieking] Yeah!

-[glasses shattering]

[grunting]

[screams]

Hmm.

[chuckles] I'll use these fools

to get Captain America's shield.

Denizens of the Bar with No Name.

I'm enlisting you all to a great purpose.

A heist!

A heist for you?

What's the heist?

Ah. [sighs]

I can't tell them the real reason,

that they're basically

sacrificing their lives

for something that will only benefit me.

-We're waiting.

-I'm thinking!

[softly] What do poor people like?

Oh, I know.

-Money. You'll get money.

-How much?

Enough to buy whatever you desire.

[gasps] We can each get

our own pontoon boat!

Ah, not that much.

Maybe two people per pontoon boat.

-Yeah!

-Yeah! Boats are a lot of responsibility.

-Someone to share the burden with.

-You were wrong. He is one of us.

[sighs] Why did I lie about

how many pontoon boats they could get?

Why didn't I just say

they could have ten pontoon boats?

-You can all have ten pontoon boats.

-That's too many. Is this a real heist?

I knew it.

All right. It's back to half a boat each.

-Yay!

-I love a pontoon boat!

All right.

We're gonna pull off this heist.

It's gonna be complicated. To start, we--

-I have a question.

-Yes, Angar.

Why are you calling on him?

You don't get to call on people.

Does this seem like

a natural stopping point to go get food?

Natural stopping-- I just started!

But Night Loaf, the all-night meat loaf

place, is closing in an hour.

No food. Now, the first thing to do--

Wait, how is it an all-night meat loaf

place if it's closing?

Because it gives you that beef energy

to go all night.

-Ow! [laughs] Whoo!

-Now I have a question.

-Stop. No.

-Yes, Tenpin.

Is there hacking involved, or reading?

Because none of us can read.

What? None of you?

Yep. Old g*ng was called The Illiterates.

We got hats made and everything.

Pretty cool, right? What does it say?

-Are they making fun of us?

-Is who making fun of you?

-The milliners.

-The milliners?

[chuckling] Ooh-hoo-hoo. "The milliners."

Listen to Mr. Fancy Words here.

You said it before I did.

Yeah, to make fun of you.

[laughing]

-[Tenpin] We're laughing about stuff.

-Everyone, shut up.

Can we please focus on

just the first phase of the plan?

There's no phase in smash and grab.

This is not a smash and grab!

This guy's impossible. I'm out.

Easy, Melter. This is the cash you need

to realize your dream.

A high-cholesterol grilled cheese truck

for hungry boomers like me.

I'm back in.

Okay.

This a multi-layered operation with--

Multi-layered like the meat loaf!

It goes beef, turkey, beef.

The turkey is always so dry!

Oh, yeah! Dry tur--

[M.O.D.O.K.] Everyone, shut up!

Let me at least

get through the first thing.

Tenpin, with his exploding pins,

takes out the cameras.

Armadillo, do you want to call on Tenpin?

Yes! [chuckles] Tenpin?

I don't actually have my pins.

[stammers, sighs]

Where are they?

Okay, we're getting the pins--

just the pins-- then back to the heist.

Guys, look at this.

This football's a phone!

-Oh, my God! That's my dream.

-I want it! I want it!

[sighs] I'm here

for this as*h*le's exploding pins.

You want your bowling pins,

give me 500 bucks.

What? That's outrageous!

You only gave me 490!

-Just pay him.

-I can't. I donated it to PBS.

You're an illiterate who loves PBS?

-I'm Tenpin.

-Oh, Jesus.

Do you do trades?

Oh, this is nice.

-Yes, it's top-rate.

-I'll say!

Hmm.

That feels literally perfect.

You should be careful

of cutting your tongue.

The metal feels so nice and cool. [grunts]

-Jesus!

-Wow. Great blade.

Can I just have the pins, please?

-Okay. Why not?

-Great. Let's get outta here.

But first we gotta get these jackets

so everyone knows we're a crew.

Angar's Screamers!

What? No. Can we just go?

This guy is freaking me out.

-No, no. We're Poundcakes's Pummelers.

-Armadildo's Fist Force Five.

There's six of us.

And did you say "Armadildo"?

[chuckles] No, unless you liked it.

[stammers] Crew names are stupid.

And if we had a name,

it would be M.O.D.O.K.'s Six.

-We're getting the jackets.

-Hmm? What?

You really need to stop playing

with that blade.

Why do you have my wife's ring?

I thought we were working it out!

I gotta go save my marriage.

[grunting]

You gotta pay for that,

or this is gonna be you!

-[shouting]

-[all screaming]

That was crazy!

I need a little milk of magnesia

to calm my ulcer. [coughs]

Where the hell did Armadillo go?

I need him for the heist.

I think he went

to his ex-wife's house again.

-She lives in Paramus.

-[groans] Who has a car?

-Repossessed.

-Lost mine in a bet.

-Also repossessed.

-Living in mine, but it doesn't run.

[groans]

[phone ringing]

-Hello?

-[M.O.D.O.K.] That's not how I taught you.

[sighs] Bonjour. Château M.O.D.O.K.

[M.O.D.O.K.] After 6:00 it's bonsoir,

you stupid robot!

-I need you.

-[exclaims] Oui.

-Who's there?

-[Battle Orbs] Battle Orbs armed.

I'm looking for M.O.D.O.K.

-Battle Orbs, stand down.

-[Battle Orbs] Aw.

-Oh, are you his secretary?

-Secretary?

-Battle Orbs, rearm.

-[Battle Orbs] Oh, yeah!

Who are you? How did you get in here?

I'm M.O.D.O.K.'s wife, sort of--

It's complicated.

Anyway, I have a bit of a work emergency.

You're M.O.D.O.K.'s wife?

Uh

[drawer squeaks open]

I have so many questions.

[Battle Orbs]

Us too! Are we k*lling, or are we k*lling?

-[villains cheering, laughing]

-[Angar] Yeah!

-All right! Whoo!

-Woo-hoo!

Is the air okay?

Everything okay with the temperature?

It would be excruciatingly painful for me,

but I could make you a moonroof.

M.O.D.O.K., your car is really annoying.

Think of me as less a car and more of,

well, one, as a van,

and two, a part of the team.

Do not think of him.

Fine.

I'll just put on a real radio station.

[as deejay] You're listening to

The Real Guy and The Pooch.

We're talking about the great Adaptoid.

[hollers] Let's take a call.

[as Becky] Hi, this is Becky,

and I love the Adaptoid.

[as deejay] Whoa,

you sound like an absolute smokeshow.

[as Becky]

Guilty. I look like the Adaptoid.

[as deejay] Ooh, daddy like.

[wolf whistle] Run, Forrest, run! Smokin'!

My God. What does he want from us?

[as Becky]

For you to call in. Dial 1-ADAPTOID-NOW.

Why is the caller the one giving us

the phone number?

-[as Becky] Uh-oh. I'm sorry.

-Okay, I'm just gonna turn his volume off.

[Super-Adaptoid] No, M.O.D.O.K., you

can't! I love you! I have Crohn's dis--

[chuckling]

He doesn't have Crohn's disease.

If anyone has undiagnosed Crohn's disease,

it's me. And I do.

All right, once we get Armadillo,

the heist is back on.

We're married!

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Ay, por favor,

we have been divorced for eight years.

You don't even give me a ring, remember?

But that's the kind of ring

I would have gave you.

And you broke my heart when you pawned it!

You are delusional!

Buddy, if you don't leave my wife alone,

I'm gonna kick your a*s!

The Mandrill. Ooh, Irene certainly

has a thing for animal villains.

Okay, okay.

Tie up your robe, and let's fight.

It's a kimono,

and this is how you wear it.

-Hey, wha-- Okay, okay.

-[grunting]

-Armadillo, get in the van.

-And stop coming around here.

[sighs] I just thought maybe if you saw

me all drunk, throwing a tantrum,

it would win you back.

-Mandrill, get inside.

-[Mandrill] Okay.

[Irene] Armadillo, go away.

He put in that kind of door

just so he could do that.

I'm sorry that that, um, happened to you.

It just hurts,

accepting the fact that people are capable

of falling out of love with you, you know?

Yes.

I mean no.

I'm happily married, super happily.

[chuckling] I back up

the orgasm truck every night.

Wow. That's really brave of you

to share that with me.

I can't do this heist, guys.

I'm going home.

Wait. I can fix this.

-N-No! Who did this, and how?

-[tires squealing]

[laughs]

[Monica chuckles]

Ten PayDay bars?

Some YouTube stunt. I don't know.

And M.O.D.O.K. is useless, I take it?

The only thing he's useful for is

turning on a large hadron collider,

which is not what I call my vag*na.

[laughs] Well, you are very cool.

-[slurping]

-No, I'm a jerk.

I'm bagging on M.O.D.O.K., but I came here

to beg him to fix my stupid lie.

I was hoping he could

wipe the video off the Internet

or release a targeted neuro-virus

that would erase everyone's mind.

You know, somethin' simple.

Forget M.O.D.O.K.

The best geneticist in the world

is on staff.

-Who?

-[burps] Me.

[cheering, laughing]

Hey, Melter, I was thinking about a name

for your grilled cheese truck.

Manchego Winnebago.

[coughs] I have a name already,

and it's perfect.

And I ain't sharin' it with no one.

[coughs]

Fine. I'm just tryin' to help.

Okay. It's time for Phase One of our plan.

-First stop--

-Night Loaf!

-I thought Night Loaf was closed.

-No.

It's a full moon,

so they reopen for werewolf hours.

What? Uh-- [sighs] All right.

First the heist, then we'll see

if this Night Loaf place is even real.

-Night Loaf!

-We need some tunes that jam!

Ow!

And nothing jammed harder

in the summer of '77

than my band Sweetleg

and our album Look The Hell Out.

That ain't just me talkin'.

That's Crawdaddy! magazine

with Henry Winkler on the cover.

[engine revving]

Rock 'n' roll, grandpa!

Grandpa? Oh, who's insultin' me like this?

Gimme my cheaters

so I can look these punks in the face.

-He's so wrinkly.

-So gross!

-[chuckling]

-Oh, someone's self-conscious! [laughs]

-Look at all his shame and sh*t.

-[man] Just die already, you old bag!

Why don't you show them how to rock?

[Angar on radio]

Mississippi Tingle ♪

-[shrieking] Yeah!

-[grunts]

-Get him! Let's go!

-Oh, what the hell? Oh, that's a crossbow!

-[tires squealing]

-Go, go, go!

Oh, my God! I've been shot.

This is it! I'm dying!

This is my death rattle.

-[groans]

-It hit the license plate.

Oh, good.

That's not actually a part of me.

Oh, ah! Turn here! Turn here!

-[tires screeching]

-[engine revving]

Angar! Your band's been broken up

for thirty years.

You've got to let it go!

Stop living in the past!

[gasps] Oh, my God! This is my old

high school. I have to go in there. Move!

Are you serious?

This is the longest Phase One in history.

-There's no Phase One in a smash and grab.

-Shut up, Melter.

-The Muenster Truck.

-Not even [coughs] close.

I need that shield!

[vehicle approaching]

-Back off, teens! I'm a high-tech robot.

-[car door opens]

-I'm more than meets the--

-[car door closes]

Oh, God! I forgot to lock the doors!

[sighs]

I had every state track and field record,

but I'll never see my name

on any of these trophies.

-Oh, right. You can't read.

-I know what my name looks like!

Sideways horseshoe, the doughnut,

the ladder with a broken rung,

the twisty snake.

The point is they took my name

off the trophies after the drug testing.

Oh, you were juicing.

No, the blood test showed

I had mutant abilities.

Goodbye, Olympics. Goodbye, everything.

[sniffles] I still worked hard for these.

-[softly] I'm sorry.

-[glass shattering]

Does this help?

[grunts]

-[Tenpin] Whoa!

-Nice one, Poundcakes.

No. Hey,

maybe we should just call it a night, huh?

Yeah,

I gotta get back to not doing anything.

Wait. Look.

I know what it's like to wanna give up.

You guys are afraid.

I understand that fear.

The fear that your best days

are behind you, fear of being forgotten,

fear of moving on,

-fear of dropping things.

-Aaah!

Or the fear of being such a born failure

that you never even deserve the fear

of losing anything to begin with.

Why is mine so much worse?

You need to dig under the fear

to find anger and vengeance,

so when you're laughed

out of the Soho Lair, you assemble a crew

to steal Captain America's shield

from Avengers Tower!

But you don't give it to them. Instead,

you use it to smash their stupid faces in

so that they'll love you and accept you

and say, "Oh, M.O.D.O.K.,

you are good and not bad!"

Wait. There was never any money?

This was all about a shield?

You were just using us

to get back in with your A-list buddies!

-Told you he wasn't one of us.

-Wait. Stop.

-Blow it out your [shrieking] a*s!

-[grunts] Ow!

Why does this school have

so many pole-vaulting champions?

[vehicle approaching]

The crew! They came back for me.

-[grunts]

-[groans]

-[laughs]

-[Super-Adaptoid] Help me!

[sobbing]

Perfect. The rain will wash away my tears.

Now my crying's a secret.

[electricity crackling, buzzing]

It's real?

Welcome to Night Loaf.

I am the Loaf Knight.

Choose your loaf wisely.

Sir Loaf, as much as we'd love more loafs,

we've spent all of our loaf tokens.

Silence!

The loaves have already been paid for.

-By who?

-The crying man on the floating toilet!

Hey, guys. [chuckles] This place is great.

-I didn't realize it was medieval-themed.

-It is not.

Well, it's very confusing.

Anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? Lying to us

about breaking into Avengers Tower?

Well, it's not lying.

It's more like deliberately

withholding information to deceive you.

Or how you were gonna risk our lives

to get some stupid shield

-to impress your fancy friends?

-It's not a stupid shield.

It's a very famous shield, guys.

And after all of that,

you wanna buy us dinner,

and we're supposed to forgive you?

Well, not just any dinner.

It's Night Loaf. I--

You were all pretty excited

about it before.

Frankly, you wouldn't shut up about it.

Okay. You're right.

I am sorry.

I didn't give you enough credit.

But you guys don't give yourselves

enough credit.

Yeah, we suck.

No. You know who sucks?

Those snobs at the Soho Lair.

While they're kicking back

in their posh headquarters,

you're out here hitting the pavement.

You got heart, you got grit.

You're just gritting around in the dirt.

Look at these dirty fingernails.

They're absolutely disgusting.

I was tunneling.

-Is tunneling even an Armadillo thing?

-It is.

The point is Melter was right.

I'm not one of you, but I wanna be.

-We'll take you back.

-[chattering]

I promised you a score,

and I shall deliver.

-Let's rob Night Loaf.

-What? No!

-Loaf Knight can hear you!

-He's all the way over there.

[whispering] I hear everything.

Oh, my God. He heard.

He's k*lled three people

since we got here.

I know what we should steal.

Captain America's shield.

-Really?

-Heck yeah!

But we take the shield

and hang it up in the Bar with No Name.

-Yeah!

-Yes!

To Melter slightly changing my idea

just enough so I can't sue him.

Wait. M.O.D.O.K. is your dad?

I have so many questions.

-[door opens]

-Mom! He's not my boyfriend!

Relax, Carmilla.

I just altered his DNA

to give him a peanut allergy.

-A pea-what what-ergy now?

-[chuckling] Oh, you can do that?

I can make him allergic to anything,

come to think of it.

-Cats, the color blue, oxygen.

-Peanuts is fine.

I'm allergic to peanuts now.

Oh, I'm complex!

And I'm finally carrying an EpiPen

for a reason.

-Oh, sweet!

-[Jodie] Let's go, Lou.

-Say hi to M.O.D.O.K.

-And say good night to L.O.U.I.S.

Lanky Organism Undeniably Irresistible

and Syphilitic.

I haven't looked up that last word,

but I think it sounds beautiful.

Shh!

[whispering] Don't tell me what it means.

[chuckles]

-Avengers Tower, here we come!

-[cheering]

Ain't nothing gonna stop us now!

[all snoring]

[conductor] Last stop. Coney Island,

Stillwell Avenue. Everyone must get off.

Oh, no. We missed our stop.

-Aw.

-Oh, man.

What do we do now?

[birds squawking]

[grunts] Can't believe I let us

fall asleep. I failed you all again.

What? That was a fun night, man!

Yeah, brother. I mean, we did a car chase,

a guy sawed his arm off,

and I got to see Mandrill's famous hog.

-[chuckling] And I got wasted!

-And I got to eat real food!

-[gasps] Grilling Me Softly with Chevre?

-Just stop! Here. Come here.

[whispering, indistinct]

Perfect name.

[waves lapping]

[Angar] Hey, Modie.

How many of us were you gonna sacrifice

breaking into Avengers Tower?

[M.O.D.O.K.] I'd formulated a plan

with a 98.7% chance of success

that would've only lost two of you.

[laughs] Oh, that's way better odds

than we usually get.

Let's finish the night out with

one more drink at the Bar with No Name.

-They put out free doughnuts at 7:00.

-[Tenpin] I want that too.

-[Armadillo] Okay.

-[Angar] That's a good idea!

[M.O.D.O.K.] Melter! Doughnuts!

[chuckling] Melter, come on. Melter?

Oh!

Oh

[portal opens]

Oh! M.O.D.O.K. [pants]

Those teens kidnapped me and drove me,

and then they started talking

about The Great Gatsby.

They thought they were so smart,

but it was so trite and--

Wow, you look weird.

[grunts]

[Angar] Yeah ♪

Zoomin' on a beezer

On a flat black backway ♪

Big fat frammie gonna overload ♪

Squeezin' on a brick top

Looking for a chammy ♪

Mary's takin' pickles

Till she's gonna explode ♪

We got a high glider

And it's never coming down ♪

A low rider taking over the town ♪

We're gonna split the night

And it ain't surprisin' ♪

Got a Mississippi Tingle risin' ♪