01x08 - O, Were Blood Thicker Than Robot Juice!

[bunniefuu]

[M.O.D.O.K.] Did last night really happen?

Or was it all just a wonderful dream?

Did Jodie and I really make love?

And did we really find that

secret passageway that leads to that room

where Charles Barkley wanted me

to eat sticks of Right Guard?

Oh, we had sex, all right.

The Charles Barkley stuff

was a dream though.

-You can hear my thoughts?

-You left your brain wave vocalizer on.

[sighs] Why do I have this?

-[powers down]

-I should go.

Actually, I think you should stay.

Really? You're not regretting last night?

I thought it might have been

kind of a backslide thing for you.

Or a one-last-time kinda thing.

Or some mean kids dared you.

M.O.D.O.K., no. I wanted you.

I still want you.

[belches] Oh.

Here comes the nervous belches.

That probably ruined it.

No. Still.

Well, now we're both smelling it,

and I'm sure your jets

are officially cooling.

My jets are raring.

[laughing] Wow! I can't lose.

Oh, kids! Get off me!

Smells like some hungry burps in here.

-Luckily…

-We made you breakfast.

Thirty-two sausage links,

yolk-only scrambled eggs,

generous smear of lard.

My favorite breakfast!

From what we could hear very,

very clearly through the walls last night,

it sounds like our family

is back together!

-Well--

-That's exactly right.

-We're getting back together.

-R-R-Really?

100% "r-r-really," really,

real, real, really real.

That's not me, M.O.D.O.K.

It's an impostor!

Dad! Somebody's kidnapped us!

He can't hear you through the TV.

Wait. This is all too good to be true.

[all gasp]

But it is true, and it's wonderful!

What are you thinking, you fool?

[growling] Answer me!

And 32. Last sausage.

That is a solid base.

[chuckling] Aw, M.O.D.O.K.

[singsongy] Bon appétit!

A second breakfast in bed? I shouldn't?

Knock yourself out, Modie.

I had the master bathroom

completely soundproofed.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

A man could be sick all over

inside his body in there for hours,

and I'd never hear any of the disgusting

sounds his body made him make.

This is the best day of my life!

Why is this happening?

Who's doing this to us?

-[Jodie gasps] M.O.D.O.K.

-[Lou] Dad?

One of you said M.O.D.O.K.,

and you're right.

I am M.O.D.O.K., but from 20 years ago!

[groans] Some time-traveling version

of your father.

Wow!

I bet you're pretty shocked to see me

looking so young.

You don't look that young.

Younger than your father!

He's got crazy wrinkles.

He's got wrinkles here. Real deep!

Hey, buddy, you have wrinkles there.

What?

Oh, you all make me so mad.

I was supposed to have a beautiful life!

I was supposed to be a world conqueror!

Instead, I'm this.

Canadian bacon, American bacon

Italian bacon, more Canadian bacon ♪

And it's all your fault!

The housewife.

The weird boy.

And the ice-skater. [scoffs] Ice!

In-line skating is what's cool!

The world is your rink!

If he hadn't spent all his time with you,

we would have been emperor of the world

by now!

I was going to bring forth

a great scientific utopia,

ushering in a new age of empirical logic!

Also, I was going to marry Mena Suvari.

-[scoffs] I'm way better than Mena Suvari.

-Oh, are you?

Were you in American Beauty

and also American Pie in the same year?

Did I simply not see you

in those marvelous films?

Did I miss your scenes?

-[snaps fingers]

-Hey, back on topic. What's the plan here?

The plan is t*rture.

You sit here and watch your father

with these robots designed to tell him

everything he wants to hear,

things you would never say,

so you can see how little he knows you

and how replaceable you are to him.

Now, I couldn't have made

these robots alone.

Well, I absolutely could have,

but I didn't.

I had help from someone

who might shock you!

Oh, uh, what's-his-face.

I bet you're wondering why I gave up

your secrets and betrayed you.

Me, the family's beloved robot--

Roomba! It's Roomba!

[Melissa] Aw, look at him eat. I love him.

I miss him, and I love him.

-Let's k*ll them now.

-I hadn't told them that part yet!

Okay, so you heard him.

Eventually going to k*ll you.

Oh, I'm sorry. [chuckles]

I thought you'd told them.

It's fine. I… [groans]

I was close to saying it anyway.

Needles. Is it medicine?

[chuckles] No, it's poison.

Aren't they achingly slow?

It's actually a lot harder to do this

than to have them go fast.

The only one who can save you

is M.O.D.O.K.,

and he has no idea you're in danger.

[robot Melissa laughing]

He thinks you're right there,

applauding him do that.

These robots are nothing like us.

He's bound to figure it out.

Oh, you think?

[eating noisily]

[M.O.D.O.K. sighs]

After all that breakfast,

this crab salad is very refreshing.

Hey, Dad, guess what?

I no longer wanna do weird,

weird magic at my bar mitzvah.

I'd like the ceremony to be A.I.M.-themed.

That's my Lou!

Let's start a family band like

you've been suggesting for years, Dad.

I'm not too cool for it anymore.

[laughing] More joyous news!

Is this what he wishes we were like?

Jodie, I'm ready for

the soundproof bathroom now! I need it.

-It's so sexy that you know what you nee--

-Get out of my way!

[Melissa] Okay, so Dad just keeps

eating and eating and eating,

but at some point, he has to get full.

Theoretically.

And when he does,

we have to, somehow, send him a message.

Let him know that's not us.

We don't have a lot of time.

Or maybe we do?

I really can't clock

the timing on these needles.

Man, we are in a tight spot.

You know who's really good at getting

into tight spots and cleaning things up?

-A tiny maid?

-Roomba!

Roomba's on the Wi-Fi,

and I have my GRUMBL Watch.

[gasps] I have bars.

Lou, can you reach it?

[straining]

Oh, here! Use my shoe. [grunts]

Ow! Mom!

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

That was a mistake. [grunts]

It's time to save our lives, Roomba.

[sobbing] Sorry.

That shoe in the face really hurt!

[drumsticks count in]

[bubblegum pop playing]

Sunshine on my jewel

And I'm feeling happy ♪

My family thinks I'm cool

They just love their pappy ♪

[all singing off-key]

Sha-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

Sha-nah-nah-sha-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

[grunting, mumbling]

Careful now.

[Lou] Okay. [grunts]

[exclaims]

[gasps]

[exhales] Okay, now for the easy part.

Getting the marbles.

[pop music continues]

And that's why I look at things

The sunshine way ♪

-[song ends]

-Oh, that was so good!

And our first time too.

-Yeah, there we go.

-[both] Yes!

I'm so confident he'll get that,

I'm getting rid of the shoe.

[groans] Kink in my neck

from this keytar strap.

Gotta stretch it out

by a-lookin' at the ground.

Wow! You're the best stretcher, Pappy!

Aw, thanks, Son.

Okay, down I go. See everyone shortly.

[together] Yes!

-No!

-What's up, baby?

I was just about to stretch.

I wrote a song of my own, Modie.

[sighing] I write the songs,

but sure, okay. Sing it.

Oh, M.O.D.O.K.

In me sweet love you do arouse ♪

Oh, can we two renew our vows? ♪

Okay, so that's not catchy at all.

[chuckles] Burt Bacharach can rest easy--

Wait, you want to renew our vows?

Oh, baby! You ate sh*t hard.

[all gasp, shudder]

M.O.D.O.K., will you marry me

again-gain-gain-gain-gain…

-[robot Jodie glitching]

-What the hell…

do you think I'm gonna say?

Of course I'll remarry you, Jodie!

What?

-I love y-- Aaah! I love y-- Aaah!

-[electricity zapping]

[screaming, spluttering] I love you!

Okay, so we're renewing our vows.

What's the right kind of cake for that?

There's a school of thought that says,

"No cake at all.

Renewing your vows is stupid.

It's a way for people late in their lives

to cling to something dead or dying."

But I like strawberry and cream.

[electricity zapping]

I know that face.

You just want me to be happy. And I am.

Happy we're so in sync with my opinion.

Well, your father is going through

a delusional psychotic break.

We'll have to save ourselves.

What if I have a superpower

and don't know about it?

We're in a concrete cell.

What if I could harness

the power of concrete in some way?

Okay, let's look around the room.

There must be something.

If you have a superpower,

how do you use it? Activate it?

There's no windows, no pipes.

Where even are we?

Does anyone know

how you vibrate your pineal gland?

-That could be how I do it.

-Honey, I don't--

Concrete, your master commands you!

You don't have superpowers, idiot.

Don't be rude to your brother, Melissa.

He's only trying to help.

There is a solution,

and it's fairly obvious.

Mom, you have to seduce young Dad.

Absolutely not.

He looks just like Dad.

You've done that before.

Yeah, well, he's not Dad, okay?

He's my captor.

And seducing my captor

isn't something I'm really into.

Although in the right circumstances,

I'd be down for a sexy spy scenario

that's just role play.

My hands are bound,

so I can't cover my ears.

Also, young lady, you need to learn

that a woman shouldn't have to resort

to using her sexuality to solve a problem.

Thanks for being such a great role model.

It was especially great

when you used your sexuality to trick

Wonder Man into giving you free publicity.

Well, I thought we were both using

each other for sex and publicity.

Why aren't there eyelids for ears?

You weren't okay with me dating.

That's what this is.

It was way too soon

after splitting with Dad.

Well, I didn't hear you say anything

about Wonder Man

when he took you to

the premiere of his movie

The Hunchback Quarterback of Notre Dame,

the College!

I had to see it. And it sucked!

Stop it! Was the movie wrongheaded? Yes.

Was it an ill-conceived effort, ineptly

made by a group of confused amateurs

dipping their booms into every shot,

still managing to make it sound like

the Hunchback Quarterback was underwater?

Yes, but it was trying.

And we need to be trying

to get out of here.

Dad needs us.

Ugh, I wish you kids cut me

as much slack as you do your father!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

Mom literally gave you a peanut allergy,

and you're apologizing to her now?

I have to make nice with Mom and Dad.

It's just gonna be us

after you abandon me for college.

And maybe, oh, I don't know,

I wanted a peanut allergy.

-Thank you, Mom, for that.

-Oh, Lou, stick up for yourself.

-I'm sorry, you're right.

-Don't apologize to me. Oh, my God!

Don't yell at him! He can't help it.

Thanks, Melissa.

Oh, shut up, you jellyfish.

I'm basically a sociopath.

Do not tell that sweet,

simpleminded boy to shut up!

[birds twittering]

[electricity zaps]

-[robots power on]

-Oh, it's time.

There he is ♪

Here he comes ♪

He's got the smile

That is straight off the dial ♪

Can one woman tame him? ♪

Let's put our disagreements aside

and think of a way

to get to the needles faster.

Jodie, we've had our ups and downs,

but recently,

things have been all up, no down.

And I love that!

Our life together

stretches in front of me,

one long unceasing wave

of happiness-piness-piness-piness…

What's happening?

…piness-piness--

[singsongy] Get ready for a surprise!

[gasps] It wasn't really Dad!

It was a robot!

Wait. If that wasn't your father,

where is he?

[expl*si*n]

He's here! He's here to save us.

[alarm blaring]

Kids, let's find your father.

I think the expl*si*n came from this way.

I told you Dad wasn't stupid enough

to fall for a bunch of robots.

Although, we are, maybe.

We were fooled by Dad's robot

up until it exploded.

Well, we just couldn't tell

because it was on those little TVs.

[together] Yeah. If we were in a room

with a robot, we'd definitely know.

Melissa, Lou, Jodie. Where are you?

-[Lou] Dad!

-[Melissa] We're coming!

-[Jodie] M.O.D.O.K.!

-Oh, thank God.

Now, I hear you, but I don't see you.

Follow the sound of my voice.

I'll just keep talking…

God, I can't think of anything to say!

[sighs] There you are.

Now, quick, we gotta get out of here.

-[Lou 2] Dad!

-[Melissa 2] We're coming!

-[Jodie 2] M.O.D.O.K.!

-Huh?

-[Lou 3] Dad!

-[Melissa 3] We're coming!

[Jodie 3] M.O.D.O.K.!

[Young M.O.D.O.K.]

Good. You're all finally together.

-[carnival music playing]

-M.O.D.O.K. and families, hello, hello.

Arcade and I-- Arcade is here--

would like to welcome you to…

m*rder World!

I hope you like being confused.

[laughs maniacally]

So, M.O.D.O.K.,

I bet you're wondering who I am.

No. I'm more interested in why I've got

so many dang families right now.

But you're also still wondering who I am.

Eh, judging from the Chrono-Crystal

stuck in your head,

I'd say you're a time-traveling

version of me.

That's very annoying.

I'm always tinkering with time travel.

I'm surprised this hasn't happened before.

What an unlikable attitude!

But I bet you're wondering

how I managed to track you down.

No. You traced the robot signals

I left for you to follow.

I wanted you to be here.

It was part of my plan!

[whining] Why was it so hard

if you wanted me to come?

I almost gave up!

It's time to turn things over to the

designer of the game we're about to play.

A merciless mercenary

and an absolute loony bird: Arcade!

Hello, players!

Thank you for the entertaining deaths

you're about to suffer for me!

It was a true pleasure to consult

on this project with Young M.O.D.O.K.,

which is why I charged him the entirely

symbolic fee of one million dollars.

[cackles]

No, really, it's all about

the carnivalesque death games for me.

[panel opens]

I've been watching you bicker all day.

Might feel good to pick up a weapon,

take a swing at one another.

But first, my favorite part:

explaining the elaborate nature

of my game!

All of the real members

of the M.O.D.O.K. family are in this room,

mixed in with… robots!

It's been so many robots already.

These perfect robots believe

that they are the real family members.

You have 20 minutes to figure out which

ones are robots and then to k*ll them.

If you fail or refuse to try,

you will all be k*lled.

[laughs maniacally]

If you choose correctly,

the final four will be allowed to leave

m*rder World in a small escape plane,

courtesy of our partners

at Airplane World!

Let's start the timer!

-[ticking]

-Find your real family.

Oh, and to start you off,

I'd like to give you a little clue:

I had three t*rture chambers,

my t*rture chambers three.

In each, I placed two robots

and a human abductee.

Everyone, grab the two family members

you came in with!

That'll help us start

figuring out who's who.

[Lou] Whoa!

[Arcade laughs maniacally]

[Lou] Wha-- [grunts] Whoa!

[Jodie exclaiming]

[all grunting, shouting, exclaiming]

Don't you hate it

when the floor does that?

[laughs] That spun them right round,

baby, like a record.

-Can I say things too?

-No!

-Well, what do I do now?

-I don't care. I don't need you anymore!

Well, doesn't that sound familiar.

[Lou groans]

[Jodie] Oh, come on!

You think I'm afraid of the dark?

Me? Mr. Planetarium?

[M.O.D.O.K.s] Oh, crap.

That's right!

I took the liberty of adding

two more M.O.D.O.K.s

because I am frickin' cuckoo for symmetry.

And I have got to have it!

[buzzer sounds]

Okay, everyone pair off

with the other versions of you

and start checking each others' bodies.

That's right. These robots might have

a USB port on their backs or something.

Right. You might, for example.

Sure, robot. Whatever you say.

[laughing]

Well, they look just like me.

Or I look just like them.

We all have that tattoo

we've never regretted getting.

I burned myself

on a curling iron a couple days ago.

Okay, so?

[shouts]

[grunts, groans]

-[shouts]

-[screams, grunts]

-[buzzer sounds]

-Oh, my God!

The rest of you can't be

certain like I am,

but… [chuckles] …I knew

I was the real one.

But they thought

they were the real one too.

Uh, it's different with me.

There's gotta be something in them.

Ugh. Lot of real-looking stuff in here.

Starting to think I'm maybe the robot.

Oh, here it is. Computer chips. [sighs]

-[dings]

-Ooh!

And the real Melissa

has discovered the telltale chips!

I'm the real one too,

so let's get those chips out, babies.

-[giggling]

-[Jodie] Lou!

Those weapons are sharp.

I don't want you touching them!

[Lou] Whoops.

No.

I'm a real… [gurgling] …boy…

-Oh, thank God!

-Okay.

We got a chip, but Lous,

you're banned from the weapons.

This is so unfair!

What is the deal with this kid?

Is he okay?

Maybe we M.O.D.O.K.s should just go at it,

trust the true M.O.D.O.K. will win.

Oh, I like that. I like it a lot.

-Well, I love it.

-[groans] You gonna marry it then?

We can't just keep

wittily topping each other.

-I can!

-Shut up! You die first!

Stop, we can't do this!

We have to talk to each other,

ask each other questions.

There has to be things

we know that the robots don't.

Let's start off easy.

What is our anniversary?

May 13th.

Wrong, you robot! It's June 13th!

-It's May 13th.

-Yeah, it's May.

Wait, wait, wait!

Yes! I was wrong, but I got away with it!

[Melissa shouts]

What? The one who got it wrong

had to be the real Dad.

See?

[laughs] Even M.O.D.O.K.'s beloved family

knows what a disappointment he is!

[dings]

So, we learned something there, right?

They know every little thing that we know,

but their recall is perfect

instead of human.

So, if I answer a question right,

you're gonna think I'm a robot?

And now that you've said that,

if I answer wrong,

you're probably going to think I'm

a robot who's pretending to get it wrong.

A nuanced and, I'll say it,

elegant conundrum!

A perfect time for multi-ball!

[cackling]

There's no good answer, is there?

All we really know

is that we can't all escape.

[sighs]

Take care of each other.

Wait. What are you doing?

I loved you all.

[sobbing] No! Damn you, giant pinball!

We could've figured it out.

Lous, maybe you shouldn't see this.

Get away from us, you horrible robot!

Go oil your gears.

Uh, Dad, look.

-Jodie?

-Oh, please.

Is it so bad that I didn't commit suicide

for you all?

That's insane, okay? This family is sick.

You can't find a standard

high enough to hold me to.

There's only one robot left to find,

and it's a Lou!

So, who's gonna k*ll a Lou?

-We're friends!

-You got that right, me.

[chuckling] Oh, whoops. Oh.

I wish the third one was around.

Whatever happened to that guy?

[all laugh]

-We're not k*lling them.

-Such wieners.

Frankly, I think there's been

too much k*lling today.

If you refuse to k*ll, you'll all die!

Time is running out!

There's still

more than 15 minutes actually.

-Should we wait?

-Fine by me!

[smacking lips rhythmically]

How are you gonna k*ll us?

When the time's up? I'm just curious.

Arcade has rigged up

some giant pinball flippers.

They'll flip you to death, I think?

That's correct.

Right, because you couldn't k*ll us

without Arcade.

[laughing]

You couldn't k*ll us by yourself.

[groans] Excellent effort, M.O.D.O.K.,

but I don't think--

Stop the clock, Arcade!

-You're kidding me.

-I'm not!

I'm gonna go down there

and teach this old fool a lesson.

This is a total breach

of the rules of the game!

I quit!

[shouts] I'm a robot as well! [cackles]

But why would he…

-Or am I? [laughing, exclaiming]

-Everyone stop paying attention to him.

He's just gonna keep going.

[sighs]

Big mistake.

I'm gonna teach you

a valuable lesson, you little punk.

I'm older, wiser and more dange--

[gurgling]

But I'm the one

who's been preparing for this.

[gurgling continues]

Oh, no, Dad!

-Mel, do something!

-Dad's dying.

I…

[gurgling continues]

[laughs]

[grunts] Oh, pathetic housewife,

what do you think you're doing?

God of Pilates, grant me usable strength!

[Young M.O.D.O.K. straining]

[Jodie shouts]

[panting]

[gasps] Mommy?

Can you fix him?

Dad?

You all saved me.

[Lou sobbing]

[both sobbing] What just happ--

-[sighs]

-Oh, God. I k*lled someone.

So…

Should we get something to eat?

Look, I'm Mom. [shouts]

[all laugh]

I didn't know you did Pilates, Mom.

It's just very small movements.

-I'm doing it right now.

-Huh.

Maybe I'm doing it right now too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

The word search goes diagonal too?

"Appetizer." Could be a coincidence.

Having two Lous

is feeling very natural to me.

[sighs] You all left the base so fast

I didn't get a chance to talk to you,

but I'm, like, blah,

sorry about betraying you or whatever.

You betray us all the time.

We just have to reset you.

-What?

-[powers down]

Hey, it's the M.O.D.O.K.s!

What are we doing, having dinner?

Do you wanna betray me now?

Never! Why would I wanna do that?

-Can I get chicken fingers?

-No.

Oh, you'll pay for this.