01x05 - The Blessed Union

[bunniefuu]

[Toilet flushes]
[sniffs]
uh-oh.

Remember, orel, foul smells
attract satan.
And we certainly don't want

Attract satan.
And we certainly don't want
him anywhere near our

And we certainly don't want
him anywhere near our
toothbrushes.

Him anywhere near our
toothbrushes.
They're right.

Hmm, ah-ha!

Ow!
What's all the fuss about in
here?

What's all the fuss about in
here?
This stupid can, it sprayed

Here?
This stupid can, it sprayed
me right in the eyes!

This stupid can, it sprayed
me right in the eyes!
I hate it!

Me right in the eyes!
I hate it!
Orel, you shouldn't hate it.

I hate it!
Orel, you shouldn't hate it.
Why not, mom?

Orel, you shouldn't hate it.
Why not, mom?
Because god is in there.

Why not, mom?
Because god is in there.
He is?

Because god is in there.
He is?
Yes.

He is?
Yes.
God is everywhere.

Yes.
God is everywhere.
Really?

God is everywhere.
Really?
Everywhere?

Really?
Everywhere?
Even in you and me?

Everywhere?
Even in you and me?
That's right.

Even in you and me?
That's right.
It's called omnipresence, and

That's right.
It's called omnipresence, and
it's very convenient.

It's called omnipresence, and
it's very convenient.
It lets you be in two places at

It's very convenient.
It lets you be in two places at
once.

It lets you be in two places at
once.
Wow.

Once.
Wow.
I know.

Wow.
I know.
Imagine that.

I know.
Imagine that.
I could slice tomatoes, and, at

Imagine that.
I could slice tomatoes, and, at
the same time, dice potatoes.

Omnipresence, huh?
Mm-hmm, so remember, when
you hate something like a poor

Mm-hmm, so remember, when
you hate something like a poor
little can of aerosol spray, be

You hate something like a poor
little can of aerosol spray, be
it for the bathroom or for my

Little can of aerosol spray, be
it for the bathroom or for my
hair, you're saying you hate

It for the bathroom or for my
hair, you're saying you hate
god.

Hair, you're saying you hate
god.
Wow.

God.
Wow.
I never knew that.

Wow.
I never knew that.
I hope god's not mad.

I never knew that.
I hope god's not mad.
Well, I think you'd better

I hope god's not mad.
Well, I think you'd better
go pray for forgiveness just in

Well, I think you'd better
go pray for forgiveness just in
case.

Go pray for forgiveness just in
case.
You're right, mom.

Case.
You're right, mom.
Thanks.

[Crying]
there, there, little one.
[Crying]

There, there, little one.
[Crying]
[sniff sniff]

[Crying]
[sniff sniff]
aah!

[Sniff sniff]
aah!
Oh, you rascal.

Aah!
Oh, you rascal.
[Crying]

Oh, you rascal.
[Crying]
dear god, sorry about hating

[Crying]
dear god, sorry about hating
you through that can of spray,

Dear god, sorry about hating
you through that can of spray,
but I didn't actually know you

You through that can of spray,
but I didn't actually know you
were in there.

But I didn't actually know you
were in there.
That's pretty great that you're

Were in there.
That's pretty great that you're
in everything, especially me.

That's pretty great that you're
in everything, especially me.
It's sure an honor.

In everything, especially me.
It's sure an honor.
In fact, why, it's more than an

It's sure an honor.
In fact, why, it's more than an
honor!

In fact, why, it's more than an
honor!
It's a blessing!

Honor!
It's a blessing!
Wow, I'm blessed!

It's a blessing!
Wow, I'm blessed!
And to the republic for

Wow, I'm blessed!
And to the republic for
which it stands, one nation

And to the republic for
which it stands, one nation
under god and jesus christ who

Which it stands, one nation
under god and jesus christ who
died on the cross for all of

Under god and jesus christ who
died on the cross for all of
our sins and then rose on the

Died on the cross for all of
our sins and then rose on the
third day, indivisible, with

Our sins and then rose on the
third day, indivisible, with
liberty and justice for most.

All right.
Let's review yesterday's
history lesson.

Remember, god is in me.
What year did the boston tea
party take place?

What year did the boston tea
party take place?
Orel?

Party take place?
Orel?
Let me check.

Orel?
Let me check.


Let me check.
Wrong.


Wrong.
Betty?

Wrong.
Betty?
Hmm...17--

Betty?
Hmm...17--
miss goldthum?

Hmm...17--
miss goldthum?
That is right.

Miss goldthum?
That is right.


That is right.
Yep, I can feel it.


Yep, I can feel it.
Well, history is facts, not

Yep, I can feel it.
Well, history is facts, not
feelings.

Well, history is facts, not
feelings.
You're wrong, and the proof is

Feelings.
You're wrong, and the proof is
right here in the textbook.

You're wrong, and the proof is
right here in the textbook.
Betty?

Right here in the textbook.
Betty?
Hmm--

Betty?
Hmm--
then the facts are wrong.

Hmm--
then the facts are wrong.
Facts can't be wrong.

Then the facts are wrong.
Facts can't be wrong.
If they were, they'd be called

Facts can't be wrong.
If they were, they'd be called
something else.

If they were, they'd be called
something else.
Throw away the facts.

Something else.
Throw away the facts.
Proof proves nothing.

Throw away the facts.
Proof proves nothing.
God and facts don't mix.

Proof proves nothing.
God and facts don't mix.
That's it, mr. Puppington.

God and facts don't mix.
That's it, mr. Puppington.
Straight to the principal's

That's it, mr. Puppington.
Straight to the principal's
office with you.

Straight to the principal's
office with you.
I'll leave, but I will not

Office with you.
I'll leave, but I will not
take god to the principal's

I'll leave, but I will not
take god to the principal's
office.

Betty?
Ummmm...
Ok, which way should we go

Ummmm...
Ok, which way should we go
now, god?

Ok, which way should we go
now, god?
That way?

Now, god?
That way?
Good way.

Hey, there, orel, shouldn't
you be in school?
Nope.

You be in school?
Nope.
The lord and I decided to take

Nope.
The lord and I decided to take
the day off.

What the h-e-double-hell?
Thank you, sir.

Oh, I can't feed the lord this
junk.

Only the best for god.

Orel, for the last time, I'm
not going to shine your shoes.
I don't work for you.

Not going to shine your shoes.
I don't work for you.
But god is in me.

I don't work for you.
But god is in me.
Oh, all right.

A pond?
Hey, god, shall we walk on the
water?

Just give me a sign.

I'll take that as a yes.
Good-bye, moralton.
Hello, pearly gates.

Good-bye, moralton.
Hello, pearly gates.
Oh, my spine.

Hello, pearly gates.
Oh, my spine.
Gosh.

Hello?
Emergency?
Oh, where you taking me now?

Emergency?
Oh, where you taking me now?
Let's see, first to

Oh, where you taking me now?
Let's see, first to
st. Martin's hospital for the

Let's see, first to
st. Martin's hospital for the
broken neck, then to freedom

St. Martin's hospital for the
broken neck, then to freedom
county prison for the broken

Broken neck, then to freedom
county prison for the broken
law.

County prison for the broken
law.
What a day.

Law.
What a day.
[Gasp]

What a day.
[Gasp]
st. Martin's hospital!

Gee, these sick people all need
god's help and fast.

Hello, orel, what brings you
here?
God, nurse bendy.

Here?
God, nurse bendy.
God.

God, nurse bendy.
God.
I want to see some sick people.

God.
I want to see some sick people.
What's to see?

I want to see some sick people.
What's to see?
You've seen one, you've seen

What's to see?
You've seen one, you've seen
them all.

You've seen one, you've seen
them all.
I want to heal them.

Them all.
I want to heal them.
Please.

I want to heal them.
Please.
You don't even own any scalpels

Please.
You don't even own any scalpels
or popsicle sticks or radiation.

You don't even own any scalpels
or popsicle sticks or radiation.
I don't need any of that.

Or popsicle sticks or radiation.
I don't need any of that.
Well, look, I'm busy.

I don't need any of that.
Well, look, I'm busy.
Just help yourself.

Well, look, I'm busy.
Just help yourself.
Help myself to the sick?

Just help yourself.
Help myself to the sick?
Yeah.

Help myself to the sick?
Yeah.
Believe me, you can't walk

Yeah.
Believe me, you can't walk
anywhere around here without

Believe me, you can't walk
anywhere around here without
knocking one of those over.

Excuse me, sir, would you
like to walk again?
What?

Like to walk again?
What?
Already?

What?
Already?
I just sat down.

Already?
I just sat down.
Dr. Lazyman, the patient's

I just sat down.
Dr. Lazyman, the patient's
ready for surgery.

Dr. Lazyman, the patient's
ready for surgery.
Coming.

Ready for surgery.
Coming.
[Grunt]

Coming.
[Grunt]
that was easy.

[Grunt]
that was easy.
Now, come on, god.

That was easy.
Now, come on, god.
Let's go find a more

Now, come on, god.
Let's go find a more
challenging sick person.

[Moaning]
hot dog.
Ok, lord, this lady doesn't

Hot dog.
Ok, lord, this lady doesn't
look like she'll be getting

Ok, lord, this lady doesn't
look like she'll be getting
better anytime soon, so it's up

Look like she'll be getting
better anytime soon, so it's up
to you and me now.

[Moan]
sorry!
I was only trying to heal you.

Sorry!
I was only trying to heal you.
Bad try.

I was only trying to heal you.
Bad try.
Oh.

Bad try.
Oh.
I'll tell you what you can

Oh.
I'll tell you what you can
do, though.

I'll tell you what you can
do, though.
Unplug that.

Do, though.
Unplug that.
Why?

Unplug that.
Why?
What'll that do?

Why?
What'll that do?
Oh, you are going to love it.

What'll that do?
Oh, you are going to love it.
Unplugging that thing is like

Oh, you are going to love it.
Unplugging that thing is like
eating candy.

Unplugging that thing is like
eating candy.
Yummy.

Eating candy.
Yummy.
I don't know.

Yummy.
I don't know.
It must be plugged in for a

I don't know.
It must be plugged in for a
reason.

It must be plugged in for a
reason.
Look, just do it.

Reason.
Look, just do it.
You're cute, kid.

Look, just do it.
You're cute, kid.
You'll get off practically

You're cute, kid.
You'll get off practically
scot free.

You'll get off practically
scot free.
Oh, you mean if I unplug

Scot free.
Oh, you mean if I unplug
that, you'll stop living?

Oh, you mean if I unplug
that, you'll stop living?
Don't be so negative.

That, you'll stop living?
Don't be so negative.
I prefer to say I'll start

Don't be so negative.
I prefer to say I'll start
being dead.

I prefer to say I'll start
being dead.
Gee, I couldn't.

Being dead.
Gee, I couldn't.
That would be playing go--oh,

Gee, I couldn't.
That would be playing go--oh,
wait a second.

That would be playing go--oh,
wait a second.
It won't be playing.

Wait a second.
It won't be playing.
God is in me.

It won't be playing.
God is in me.
Hey, chatty cathy, please,

God is in me.
Hey, chatty cathy, please,
be a good girl and unplug the

Hey, chatty cathy, please,
be a good girl and unplug the
t*rture machine, will you?

Be a good girl and unplug the
t*rture machine, will you?
Woman, I say unto you, thy

t*rture machine, will you?
Woman, I say unto you, thy
faith will not go unrewarded.

Woman, I say unto you, thy
faith will not go unrewarded.
Huh?

Faith will not go unrewarded.
Huh?
What?

Huh?
What?
Sorry.

What?
Sorry.
I didn't catch that la--

Sorry.
I didn't catch that la--
[beeping]

I didn't catch that la--
[beeping]
my will be done.

[Beeping]
my will be done.
I knew it.

My will be done.
I knew it.
That beep.

I knew it.
That beep.
It always kills them.

That beep.
It always kills them.
No, nurse bendy, i, in my

It always kills them.
No, nurse bendy, i, in my
infinite mercy, k*lled her.

No, nurse bendy, i, in my
infinite mercy, k*lled her.
Orel.

Hi, dad.
Son, imagine my
disappointment when I got a

Son, imagine my
disappointment when I got a
call from the hospital and

Disappointment when I got a
call from the hospital and
found you weren't sick or

Call from the hospital and
found you weren't sick or
injured.

Found you weren't sick or
injured.
I can explain, dad.

Injured.
I can explain, dad.
No.

I can explain, dad.
No.
I'll explain in my study.

I'm surprised at you, orel.
You know that only god and the
government can decide who lives

You know that only god and the
government can decide who lives
and who dies.

Government can decide who lives
and who dies.
But god is in me, dad.

And who dies.
But god is in me, dad.
Well, sure, there's a little

But god is in me, dad.
Well, sure, there's a little
bit of god in all of us, just

Well, sure, there's a little
bit of god in all of us, just
not enough to really do any

Bit of god in all of us, just
not enough to really do any
good.

Not enough to really do any
good.
Really?

Good.
Really?
Mm-hmm, besides, god

Really?
Mm-hmm, besides, god
obviously wanted that woman to

Mm-hmm, besides, god
obviously wanted that woman to
stay alive, or he would have

Obviously wanted that woman to
stay alive, or he would have
finished her off himself

Stay alive, or he would have
finished her off himself
without your help.

Finished her off himself
without your help.
But why would he want her to

Without your help.
But why would he want her to
suffer, dad?

But why would he want her to
suffer, dad?
Oh, suffering is a big part

Suffer, dad?
Oh, suffering is a big part
of god's plan, so it could have

Oh, suffering is a big part
of god's plan, so it could have
been for a number of reasons.

Of god's plan, so it could have
been for a number of reasons.
Maybe she was a loose woman, or

Been for a number of reasons.
Maybe she was a loose woman, or
maybe she didn't love jesus the

Maybe she was a loose woman, or
maybe she didn't love jesus the
same way we do, or maybe she

Maybe she didn't love jesus the
same way we do, or maybe she
loved another woman the wrong

Same way we do, or maybe she
loved another woman the wrong
way.

Loved another woman the wrong
way.
Gosh.

Way.
Gosh.
You see, it's not our place

Gosh.
You see, it's not our place
to be judge and jury, so in the

You see, it's not our place
to be judge and jury, so in the
future, orel--

To be judge and jury, so in the
future, orel--
just judge.

Future, orel--
just judge.
Good boy, son.

Just judge.
Good boy, son.
Good boy.

Good boy, son.
Good boy.
Let's eat.

Good boy.
Let's eat.

Hello.
Good-bye.