01x08 - Hizzoner the Joker/Freeze's Frozen Vikings/The Japanese Sandman/-The Great Kryptonite Caper

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR: At the Gotham City Treasury,
a secret withdrawal is made...

...by the merry minions
of the laugh king of larceny...

...The Joker. But now what?

Why is The Joker robbing the City Treasury
and giving the money to the mayor?

What kind of joke is this?

Now the plot thickens...

...as The Joker leaves money
for the district attorney.

And the basement of the chief magistrate
of Gotham City.

What does this mean?

Later, at stately Wayne Manor...

Holy shockers. Look at this, Bruce.

Joker calls a press conference? Hmm.

Perhaps Batman and Robin
should look in on that, eh?

-You know it, chum.
-Let's go.

I charge corruption in Gotham City.

I say the mayor, the district attorney
and, yes, even the chief magistrate...

...have been stealing city funds.

MAN 1: What's that?
MAN 2: The mayor?

MAN 3:
The DA stealing?

CROWD:
Batman and Robin.

Do drop in, Caped Crusaders.

We wouldn't miss this
for anything, Joker.

Please to continue.

All right.

I hereby announce
that I am running for mayor of Gotham City.

[CHATTERING]

He's got to be kidding.

I regret to say you were right, Joker.

We found the money
just where you said it would be.

Let's check this out with
Commissioner Gordon, Robin. Come on.

I regret to inform you, Dynamic Duo,
that a large sum of city money...

...was indeed found in the mayor's wall safe
and in the district attorney's desk.

Great g*ns. This is going too far.

That's not all, Batman.

The Joker said we'd better all get in line...

...because as he put it,
he's going to be mayor...

...so help him Professor Ludendorf.

Ludendorf? Who is that?

-Is that some kind of joke?
-Negative. To the Batmobile. Quickly.

Who is Professor Ludendorf, Batman?

Only the most brilliant scientific mind
around today.

Holy alliance.
And the Joker's got him on his side?

If he does, Robin, we're in for real trouble.

I knew you could do it,
Professor Ludendorf.

No, Mr. Joker, please.

With one of these gadgets attached
to every voting machine...

...I will be elected mayor of Gotham City,
ha, ha, by acclaim.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

Forget it, Joker.

Get them.

All right, you Cowled Creeps, this is it.

-Batman, what's that?
-Argon electrical gas.

-Holy expl*sive. What do we do?
-Move fast.

I owe my thanks to you.

Forget it, professor.

Tell me, do those devices you invented
really work?

Unfortunately, yes.

The Joker cannot lose the election.

ROBIN:
That's not democracy, that's larceny.

It's anarchy. Let's go, Robin.

NARRATOR: Later, in the warehouse
where the voting machines are stored...

Be sure to place one of these little beauties
on every machine. Ha-ha-ha!

BATMAN: Hello, Joker, old buddy.
-What?

You are now out of politics.

[LAUGHING]

Good work, lads.

Now, you finish bugging
the voting machines...

...while I make plans for these two.

[LAUGHING]

Here's a special election bulletin.

It's a landslide for, ahem...

...The Joker.

The Joker is the mayor now?

-I can't believe it.
-Oh, no.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

I am now the mayor of Gotham City.

The Joker can't make
that phony election stick.

He sure can, Robin.
Unless we get out of here alive.

As mayor, I will deal with you later.
Ha, ha!

I must go now
to make my acceptance speech.

[LAUGHING]

Robin, let's take our own poll. This one.

Hold on, Dynamic Duo.

Do you have an appointment? Ha-ha-ha!

-Why, you big painted clown. I--
-Cool it, Robin.

You buzzed, Mr. Mayor?

Yes. Arrest Batman and Robin.

-Arrest them?
-What for, pray?

For making threatening gestures
to a public official...

...and for ill*gal parking.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

Come now.
You can't make those charges stick.

Oh, no?

Meet the new district attorney.

BOTH: The Riddler.
-The new chief magistrate of Gotham City.

Overruled. Overruled. Ha, ha.

-The Penguin.
-Holy crime city.

- I will not go along with this.
-And neither will I.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I sentence you to 30 days in the pokey.
Ha, ha.

Take them away.

In 30 days, I'm afraid
there won't be any Gotham City left.

Sure, and they'll have stolen it all away.

NARRATOR:
It looks bad, very bad indeed...

...with all our friends in jail
and all their enemies running the city.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion,
coming up next.

NARRATOR: When the Clown Prince
of Crime becomes mayor of Gotham City...

...Chief O'Hara, Commissioner Gordon
and even Batman and Robin end up in jail.

What? Batman and Robin incarcerated?

Not for long. To the Batcave.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Well, my friends, what do you say now?

My hat's off to you, Joker.

Stealing the election was sheer genius.
Ha, ha!

Yeah, as long as the Dynamic Duo
stays locked up.

Don't worry.
I've got their all-purpose utility belts.

I do hope I make no errors now.

It's the Batcopter.

Go, man, go!

Commissioner, you and Chief O'Hara stay
and pretend to go along...

...with The Joker's mad plans.
We'll be seeing you.

Good work, Alfred.

Now let's find out what's going on
in the phony mayor's office.

By activating
our confiscated utility belt radios...

...we'll hear every word.

Good. I want complete police protection
tonight when my friends and I pay a visit...

...to the City Treasury.

ROBIN: City Treasury, eh?
-Check. To the Batcopter.

Can't I even carry the sacks myself?

Why not let us do it for you?

-You.
-Them.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Look, Batman, we're surrounded.

O'Hara, sh**t Batman and Robin.
That's an order.

Let's get out of here.

How about that? I missed.

Power is a corrupting force, Robin,
especially in the hands of crooks.

So I don't think Penguin and Riddler
will wait for Joker's next scheme.

-They'll try and go off on their own?
-Right.

Let's make sure
Professor Ludendorf is safe.

He's the only witness
to the Joker falsifying the election.

NARRATOR: As usual,
the Caped Crusader has called the turn.

I can't release all my crooks to you.

Nonsense. I'm the chief magistrate.

Have them report to me at this address.

Fellow crooks, I want you
to take one of these jet umbrellas...

...and go perform
one massive as*ault wave of robbery.

Then return here with the loot. Ha, ha!

Where did everybody go?

So the Penguin and the Riddler
have gone into business for themselves.

The fools.

Commissioner, bring me the Batmobile.

Batman, look.
Hoods on Penguin jet umbrellas.

The Penguin is back in business.

We'll follow them to his hideout.

Come fly back to Papa.

My little loot-laden jail birds.

[SONAR ECHOING]

[DINGS]

[LAUGHING]

-Hello, Penguin.
-Watch him, Robin.

[PENGUIN SHOUTS]

Hold it right there.

Well, well. Three birds with one net.

A robin, a penguin, and a bat.

[LAUGHING]

Follow me, Robin.

The Joker's been trying
to figure out this riddle, Batman.

What makes a plant die?

BATMAN: What kind of plant
would interest him?

ROBIN:
Uh, a defense plant, maybe?

NARRATOR: At this very moment,
at the top-secret Gotham Defense Plant...

Look, Mr. District Attorney...

...If these secret plans fall
into the wrong hands...

Your plant will die, eh? Ha, ha.

When I see these plans,
I'll be richer than--

The Batmobile.

-Two down.
-And one to go.

It's a good thing I found you before Batman
and Robin did, Professor Ludendorf...

...because your testimony
can have me kicked out as mayor.

BATMAN: And so it will, Joker.
JOKER: Batman?

[GASPS]

Gas.

O'Hara, this is the mayor.

Get down
to the police firing range pronto.

You need target practice.

[LAUGHING]

You'll be shot by the chief of police...

...while I will be attending
the opening of a play.

Let's both take a little sh**ting practice.

We can pretend that the targets
are Penguin, Riddler...

...and His Honor, The Joker.

GORDON:
You can't miss with sights like these.

The Dynamic Duo. We almost--

Commissioner,
this is Professor Ludendorf...

...who can prove
The Joker rigged the voting machines.

We're off to the theater.

And so, fellow citizens, thank you for--

We're a little late, so good night, folks.

[THUDS]

Professor Ludendorf showed us all
how The Joker stole the election.

And thanks to you, Gotham City
has good clean city government again...

...for four more years.

NARRATOR: I's long after closing hours
at the Gotham City Bank.

Instead of robbing the bank...

...the crooks
left this sack of silver dollars inside.

Check, commissioner.

It's another burglary, Batman.
The Gotham City Jewelry Mart.

Saints alive.

BATMAN:
Let's go, Robin.

We're too late again, Batman.

-Wait, what's that on the floor?
ROBIN: Diamonds.

BATMAN:
And here's a message.

"Bringing ice to a jeweler
is a strange kind of crime.

Keep your eye on the birdie
and we'll see you next time."

-The Riddler.
-Yes.

Let's see. "Keep your eye on the birdie"
is what a photographer says.

A picture. Maybe a painting.
The Art Museum.

Let's check it out.

[BEEPING]

RIDDLER:
Seal it up, and when we're ready...

...our homing devices will guide us directly
to the loot from underground.

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Aah.

Careful, Robin.

Holy skating rink.

Where did everybody go?

Let's check the museum.

This statue was stolen
from the museum last year.

ROBIN:
Another crime in reverse.

Another riddle.

"If you're still blind as a bat
the next time around...

...The Riddler and his girl
will be the richest in town."

That's no riddle. That's a challenge.

The next time around can only mean...

...he's going to rob
the same three places...

-...they visited tonight.
-Let's go find him.

Yes, Riddler. I compliment you.

Turning this old abandoned
sewer system...

into a catacomb of crime
is a stroke of brilliance.

Thank you, pussycat.

And now,
with my atomic-powered tunnel-digger...

...we'll rob the city blind...

...under the very noses
of the Dynamic Duo. Ha, ha.

These diamonds and silver dollars
are clean, Batman.

No electronic devices, nothing.

It's obvious they were decoys to hide
the real reason those crooks broke in.

So we'd better keep an eye
on the three locations tonight.

Right. To the Batcopter.

NARRATOR:
A short while later...

...The Riddler burrows up
into the Gotham City Bank...

...unseen by the Caped Crusaders
flying overhead.

They must have been phantoms.

No alarms. No evidence of entry.

No clue of any kind.

You overlooked the two broken clocks,
Robin.

Both stopped at nine minutes till 4.

You're right, Batman.
That must be a clue.

It's flawless, cat lady.
Just like our crimes.

Yes, but did you plant those clues
to lure the Dynamic Duo down here...

-...where we can deal with them?
-Would I forget that, pussycat? Ha, ha.

Mm. Good. It won't take them long
to figure it out.

I give up, Batman.

I can't figure
what nine minutes till 4 means.

Try reversing the two numbers, Robin.

Then think about these objects
the crooks left behind.

ROBIN:
Gold, silver, diamonds.

They all come from mines.

Nine four, four nine.

The forty-niners.

Holy excavation.
But why'd they give it away?

To lure us down there.

Come on. Back to the museum.

Here are the answers, Robin.

Homing devices
and this digging machine.

I hear them coming.

It was too easy, Riddler.

Now I suspect a trap.

You worry too much. We're rich.

Let's go home and divide the loot.

CATWOMAN:
We're being followed. Faster.

This sled's so loaded with loot
we can't go any faster.

Just get us to the first trap.

Caught like rats in a trap, Batman.

Bat-lungs, quickly.

Now, the underwater Bat-torch. Hurry.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHING]

CATWOMAN:
My, what a catch.

What's that, Batman, a cat or a sewer rat?

Talk big, little bird...

...but that steel web is hooked up
to a 10,000-volt power line.

The switch is just down the tunnel.

In those wet clothes,
you two will go fast.

Play it cool, chum.

I can slip my hand out of my Bat-glove and
maybe get an acid capsule from my belt.

You locate the lead-in
from that power line. Hurry.

I know you boys
will get a charge out of this.

There. Now, I need never worry
about them again.

There must be miles of this old sewer.

How will we ever find them now?

Tune your belt radio to their frequency.

There's our next job.
A billion in bullion...

...stored in the underground vault
at the Trade Center.

[PURRING]
Perfect.

NARRATOR: Riddler and the Catwoman
bore up into the bullion vaults...

...but are they in for a big surprise.

What an easy haul.

You know, cat lady,
I sort of miss Batman and Robin.

All right, you cats, unload and stack this.

That won't be necessary.

You. You can't be alive.

Reports of our deaths
are very exaggerated.

-Attack them.
-Destroy them.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

Where's the fire, boys?

I'm getting out of here.

They're making a getaway, Batman.

It's all right, chum.
They're going in the right direction.

Welcome home, crooks.

Batman said I'd get a nice surprise...

...If I'd plant that homing device...

...right here in the jail.

All right. You've got us,
but you have to give back...

...that sackful of silver dollars
we left at the bank.

That was our money, a thousand dollars.

Oh, that reminds me.

Here's a bill for the electricity you stole...

...by tapping Gotham City's
underground cables.

By coincidence, you owe exactly $1000.

[CRYING]

[CATERWAULS]

[ALL LAUGHING]