01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."

[radio static]

- [clears throat]

We're rolling, Mickey?
All right.

No, no, no, I'm good.
Let's just get this in the can.

It's only the lunatics out
this time of night.

Cue the intro!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Gotham City One ♪

- Good evening, folks.

Jack Ryder live
for Gotham Cit--

[tires screeching]
Ahh!

- Hey!
[crash]

- Serves you right,
you jackass!

- Lowlife punk.
- Back at you.

- Ah, you hear
that beautiful racket?

That's the music
of Gotham City,

the largest city in the world,
the big gargoyle,

the treasure of the night.

Anyone who calls it
a crime-infested hellhole

is dead wrong.

No way hell has
such great pierogis.

Who am I?
Who are you, a tourist?

I'm Jack Ryder,
and this is "Gotham Is Talking"

live on Gotham City One.

I'm on the street in the heart
of downtown

to hear what Gotham is talking
about tonight.

And unless you've been living
in a cave,

you're talking about
controversial local weirdo--

excuse me, hero, the Batman.

After years of rumors,
we find out

not only is the Batman real,

not only is he one
of the good guys,

turns out he's gonna be a cop.

That's right.

Our sources say,
despite his campaign

of ill*gal vigilante activity,

the mysterious Batman is
now officially working

as a special consultant
to the GCPD.

As we wait for details
from the mayor's office,

we ask Gothamites in the grips
of Batmania what they think

about the big news.

- Wait, the Batman's got
a badge now?

I don't know about that.

He still gonna dangle punks
off buildings?

- Well--

- Because that's
a public service right there.

He dangled my mouthy
brother-in-law off a building,

and let's just say, you know,
he's not so mouthy no more.

Hey, Batman--
- Okay.

- If you're listening--
- Oh, he's not.

- I got a cousin who needs
an attitude adjustment.

- Oh, that's not--
- Yeah, his name is Frankie--

- Oh, don't say his name--
- Steampipe, 744--

- Don't say his address--
- West 87--

- You know what?
Maybe cut him off.

[beep]

- I don't know
about that Batman.

He shows up, we get a Joker.

Joker shows up,
we get a Riddler.

- Sure.
- [coughing]

- Ugh. Not all over the mic.

- I'm getting out of town
before some numskull

tries a knock-knock gimmick.

You know the Knock-Knocker
is at home

sewing himself a costume
right now.

[hacks]

- You want a tissue
or something?

- This friggin' town.
[beep]

- What do you think of the news

that Batman is working
with the city?

- Whoo! Go Gas Lamps!
- Okay.

- We're gonna win the pennant!
Metropolis is a bunch of bums!

- Oh, you know what?
That's very immature.

[beep]

- Batman, not a fan, man.

He's disruptive, man.
- Disruptive, you say?

- Yeah, man,
like he pulled me

out of the window of my car,
man, while I was driving it.

- Oh, my God.
That's terrifying.

- Yeah, man,
I just stole that car, man!

- Oh--
[beep]

- Pencils, pencils for sale!

[clinking]

Gee, thanks, mister.

- You got any thoughts
about Batman, kid?

- Batman?

Well, you're gonna say
it's corny,

but I used to think
that someday soon

all Gotham City was just gonna
collapse into a huge pit

of greed, and filth, and crazy,

but Batman makes me think

that maybe there's a future
for this town.

- Kid, you may think you got
nothing more in this world

than a few coins in a tin cup,
but let me tell you,

you've got Gotham City spirit.

And when you got that,
you got--

- [c*ck g*n]
- Oh, you got a g*n barrel

jammed into my chest.

- That's right, shoeshine.
This is a stickup.

You took that schmuck bait.

- Gosh, not again.
- Wow. What a maroon!

Say, that camera
looks expensive.

Why don't you hand it over
to my pals there.

Hey, Nico, Brainer,
get the man's camera.

- You're in your late 30s,
aren't you, kid?

- Hey, thanks, pal.
Just turned 42.

They call me
Peach Fuzz Pinkerman

if they asks who rolled ya.

- Listen, fellas.
Be reasonable.

That camera belongs
to the studio--

- Hand it over.
- Okay.

Don't--ow.
- Come on, come on.

I ain't got all day--
[crash]

[gasps]
What was that?

- What?

- Nico, you see someone
on that roof?

You got someone
on the roof, Ryder?

- I don't know what--
[rustling]

- What the hell--oh, no, man!
It's him!

It's--

- Hmm.

[grunting, blows landing]

[batarangs unsheathe, glide]
- Mickey, pick up the camera!

Get the camera on him!

It's...Batman!

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a city rising
from eternal shadow

to scrape the black sky.

Join us now for a tale
of life and death

in Gotham City
February 2nd.

♪ ♪

Our adventure begins
at an unseemly hour

in a darkened room
reeking of imported cologne,

new leather furniture,

and the acrid whiff
of narcotics.

Welcome to the private office
of one

of Gotham City's many
small-time vice lords.

It's a secluded refuge
from a decadent gathering

of lowlifes having a party
in the next room.

[people laughing]

We are alone
for the moment until...

[buttons beeping]

[door opens, people chatter]

- In here, my beauty.
This is my private office.

We get to know each other
better here, yes?

[laughs]
Look out.

[clinking]
- Whoops. [laughing]

- Despite his bulk,

the flamboyantly costumed
criminal kingpin moves swiftly

to catch
the dizzy platinum blonde.

- Ooh.
[chuckles]

Get to know each other.

Well, I'm a good one to get
to know, handsome.

Wow, this is fancy digs.

Ooh, look at that,
a trick mirror?

You can spy on the whole party
from here, you sneaky pete.

- Eh, you got to have
the eyes everywhere

if you want to survive in
this town, chicky baby, right?

You know how is Gotham City.

- Sure I do.
I lived here my whole life.

It's the world's biggest strip
of flypaper

where all the creepy creeps
land and get stuck.

- You do know Gotham,
but do you know why?

Do you know why so much crime
in Gotham, yes?

Because every land of milk
and honey have the thirsty cat

and the hungry bear who want
to taste.

[sniffs]
Mmm.

- [chuckles] Thirsty cat, hm?

- Ali Baba, he find the cave
full of 40 thieves, right?

Gotham got 40,000!

But always is room
for one more

if you have the magic
open sesame, yes?

- And do you got
the magic open sesame?

- [laughs]
I has it right here.

You see, this cabinet,
this is my collection case.

Open sesame.

[door creaks]

- [gasps]

Geez, you got a whole lot
of swords, you think?

- This is why they call me
King Scimitar, babe.

- Oh, I thought
you was just foreign.

- [laughs]
No, no, foxy lady.

Where God put souls
in other men,

in me he put the blade.

I am King Scimitar.
I am the cavalier of crime.

I am the sword
at Gotham's throat.



Look.

Some are large.
Some are small.

But each has spilled
much blood

from one who would not
pay me tribute.

All except this blade
right here.

- Oh.

- This is a blade
like no other blade.

You see how it shines?
See how it cleaves the air?

Its steel was folded


The face of the devil is carved
into the hilt.

The blade is engraved
with the foulest blasphemies

in ten dead languages.

I will not tell you where does
this terrible thing come from.

Only where
finally it will rest,

deep in the heart
of my most hated enemy.

For this is the sword
I'm going to use

to k*ll the Batman.

- You gonna k*ll the Batman?

- You better believe it, I am.

Everybody in Gotham gonna know
the name King Scimitar

after I get the Bat.

First, I carve him to cutlets.

Then I take the cutlets,
and I chop it to confetti.

And then I take the confetti,
and I mince it into hash.

And then you know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take all the tiny
little Bat pieces,

and I'm gonna feed them
one by one to Dagger and Shank.

- Who's Dagger and Shank?

- Oh, Dagger and Shank,
my pet tigers.

[laughs]

[tigers growling]
Ah!

- You mean those tigers,
big boy?

- Dropping the cruel cutlass
as he rushes

to the two-way mirror,

the hapless pusherman sees
his two giant pets sauntering

at liberty into the party,

unconcerned with the panic
of the fleeing guests.

- What the nuts?

How did they get out
of basement?

- I opened the door
to the squalid cage

you had them stuffed into,
tragic moron.

- What?

- The bewildered miscreant
turns around slowly

to see his guest has
shed her blonde wig

and now holds the point
of his prized weapon

to his suddenly
sweating throat.

- Yep, about 20 minutes ago

while you were polishing
your sword somewhere.

- You--you're her.

You're that cat b--ow!

- Ah-ah-ah-ah, manners.
- Woman.

Catwoman, woman, Catwoman!

- [chuckles] Surprise.

You gotta have
the eyes everywhere

if you want to survive
in this town, chicky baby.

- Oh, no, this is bad.
This is very bad.

- Now then,
in about ten seconds,

the tigers and I are walking
out of here

with the contents
of your personal safe

and anything else I see I like.

- Huh?
- But I tell you what.

I'll leave the corny sword.

You can pawn it and buy
a bus ticket out of town.

- Leave town?
[impact]

Oh, no!

- Stay, and your rivals will
eat you alive.

That's if I don't
send the tigers back

to do the job first.
[tigers growl]

- I am ruined.
- Yes, you are.

[grunts]
[sword clangs]

Congratulations, your highness.

[impact]
- Ahh--oof.

- Everybody in Gotham is gonna
know the name King Scimitar.

[laughs]

- A fool and his money
are parted,

and Catwoman adds
to her lavish personal fortune,

but is this a routine deposit?

And have we heard the last
of King Scimitar?

Stay tuned.

The answers await
in a future tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

♪ ♪

- The future, accelerated.

- Wayne Enterpri--

[radio static]

- ♪ Dark purple dawn
when the moo-- ♪

- Final score is Gotham
Gas Lamps 3, Metropolis--

- He's a zany clown.
[slide whistle]

- He's a kooky clown!
[horn honks]

- He's an "in no way affiliated
with the Joker" clown.

He's Blabbo the birthday clown.

- He's available for your party
or special event.

- And he, once again,
wants to stress

he's in no way affiliated
with the Joker.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪

♪ He is just a birthday clown ♪

♪ It's a really bad time
to be a birthday clown ♪

♪ So maybe help him out ♪

- Blabbo the birthday clown.

His only crime is a really old
vehicular manslaughter.

[radio static]

- Gotham, the city is
a silk glove

hiding brass knuckles.

Join us now for another tale
of life and death

in Gotham City.

[buzzing]

A rooftop
in Gotham's Little China

on a starless night.

- The buzzing sound you hear is


high atop Yin and Yang's Dim
Sum Palace and Dumpling House.

A blazing electric yin and yang
symbol two stories high

whose sputtering radiance is
presently reflected

in the wide open eyes
of a terrified hostage.

- Please don't do this.
Don't do this.

- He's bound hand and foot
and standing

beneath the sizzling
electric advertisement

in a rusty tub of water.

Nearby, his captor is
bickering angrily

with a relentless adversary.

- You better watch your big,
fat--hey!

- Oh, pipe down, you simpleton.

Hey, Einstein, the circuit
breaker's over there.

- This isn't
my first electrocution.

I know what I'm doing.
- Sure you do.

College boy knows everything.

- Probably seems like it
to you,

doesn't it,
you ignorant malcontent?

- [laughs]
Nuts to that.

College boy can't wash
behind his own ears.

- Despite how it may sound,

his adversary is himself.

He is one man with two voices
raised in ceaseless squabble.

This conflicted creature is
what remains of the man

who once was Gotham City
district attorney Harvey Dent.

An act of spite left him
with half his face

and a double occupancy
inside his head.

- You know what I think?
- Yeah, I know you don't think.

- I think this whole
electrocution gimmick

is for the birds.

- Oh, then it's a good thing

your opinion means nothing
to me.

- At once,
he is both Jekyll and Hyde,

a smooth gentleman criminal
and a cruel and vicious thug.

And their disputes are settled
by the pitiless physics

of a tossed coin.

[coin clinks]

Now Gotham City
calls him Two-Face.

- I said from the beginning,

we should just split this drip
down the middle

with a chainsaw,

problem solved.

- Ahh!

- Yes, well, we flipped for it,
and you lost.

And you know
what we always say...

- [groans]
Don't argue with the coin.

- We don't argue with the coin.

- [shivering nervously]
You don't have to do this.

- That is not accurate, pal.

- We're sticklers
for precision.

We're extremely thorough.
- Two words, chief.

- Yes, neat and tidy.

- Uh-uh, tooth and nail.
- What?

- And every dish
needs its spoon.

You understand that?
We're not savages here.

- Heh, speak for yourself.
- [wails]

- The point is, sir,
you're a remainder.

- W-what?

- By our calculations,
you're a yin without a yang.

And that's about as useful
as a pair of left shoes.

So we have
to balance the books,

do a little
creative accounting.

- Don't worry.
It's all perfectly legal.

- No, it isn't.

It's m*rder one
with malice a forethought.

- Fine, fine, you're the lawyer
in this outfit.

I'm just here
for the screaming.

And lonesome Joe here looks
like a screamer.

- [whimpers]

- Ignore him please, sir.

And stand still
while we wire you up.

- Please, I have a wife
at home.

- Oh, yeah,
your better half, huh?

Well, you should've brought her
out tonight.

That would've evened things up

but made all
of this unnecessary.

- As the terrified c*ptive
awaits his end,

he has no way to know
his rescue is at hand,

for the scene is
surreptitiously surveyed

by a sharp silhouette
on an adjacent rooftop.

[dramatic music]

- Batman to Robin.

I'm in position and have
a clear line of sight

on the hostage and Harvey.

He left his th*gs
with the hostages downstairs.

They're all yours.
- Acknowledged.

I've secured the alley
behind the restaurant,

and I'm standing by
to kick in the kitchen door

and bust some skulls.
- Hmm.

Say "infiltrate
and neutralize" please, Robin.

Stand by for a signal
as soon as the hostage

on the roof is out of danger.

- You can save him, Batman?

- I'm still calculating that,
Robin.

I don't yet see
a nonlethal option

for taking down Harvey.

- Batman, what if it comes
to the lethal option?

- Nobody's dying tonight,
Robin.

Thermal shows
you have 32 hostages

in the main dining room.

Two armed hostiles right
behind that kitchen door.

- Bob and Bub,
Two-Face's trigger twins.

But hostage-taking
in a Chinese restaurant?

This is real small-ball
for a kingpin like Two-Face.

- It's February 2nd,
Robin, 2/2,

and exactly two years ago
today,

Harvey Dent suffered
the disfiguring attack

that created Two-Face.

His obsession
with his own duality is

beyond his control right now.

- I get it now, yin and yang.

Holy trigger warning.

- We got here just in time.

A review of security footage
shows 34 minutes ago,

Two-Face took
the entire restaurant hostage.

[machine g*n fires]
- Everybody, hands up!

- He held the patrons
and the staff at gunpoint.

- You're all hostages now!

- While he obsessively arranged
everything in the room

into symmetrical pairs.
- Black and white...

- The furnishings, the food,
every last pair of chopsticks,

he divided into yins and yangs.

- Whoa. I see where
this is going.

- When he tried to divide
the hostages into two groups--

- He had an odd number!

- And now he's going
to eliminate the extra digit

unless I time this perfectly.

♪ ♪

[buzzing]
- [groaning]

Get on the alligator clamps,

and get the GD chainsaw,
you sissy.

- I get so tired
of explaining things to you.

- [muffled whine]
- It has to be

electrocution
alternating current.

Positive, negative,
positive, negative.

This is a deadly dance
of opposites.

Don't you get the poetry of it?

- Here's some poetry:

Roses are red.
Get the damn chainsaw.

- Oh, forget the chainsaw.

This is supposed
to be a concept m*rder.

Yin and yang.

It's right up there
in blazing neon, you chimp.

Is any of this making sense
to you?

- [whimpers]
Sweet mercy.

Completely insane.

- He really is.
You don't know the half of it.

- He was talking about you,
you twerp.

- Let's just get this
over with.

- Fine.

- The fractured fiend brings
the crackling alligator clamps

closer, closer...

- I hope you go to heaven,
pally,

but I'd be lying
if I didn't tell you

there's two possibilities.

- But just as the fatal current
arcs toward the hapless victim,

a sudden split second
of opportunity

into which a batarang flies.

It slices
through the Gotham night

and lodges itself
in the open fuse box.

The towering neon sign surges,

turning night to day
with blinding white light

before--
[expl*si*n]

exploding in a jubilee
of golden and blue sparks.

- What?

- Somehow, the Batman is
now behind them.

- The fuse is blown, Harvey.
It's over.

Let the man go.

- Batman, we can never have
a night out

without you ruining things.

- Yeah, three's a crowd, pally.

- Batman to Robin,
hostage is secure.

Kick in the door,
and bust some skulls.

- Yeah, copy the heck
out of that!

- Harvey--

- Now don't move a muscle,
Batman.

- Come here!
- Hey, don't--

- We still got a trusty .22.

- And I'd venture
to guess Mr. Yin here

isn't feeling all that secure
at the moment.

- [whimpers]
Let go!

- What do you think, Batman?

You're fast, but, uh...
[c*ck g*n]

are you faster
than point-blank?

- [whimpering]

- No, but I don't need to be.

- Batman drops slowly
into a crouch.

- I just need to give you
a little room

to make a mistake.

- [laughs]
We don't make mistakes.

- I don't mean you and Harvey.
I mean you, Two-Face.

I know Harvey runs things.

- Shut up.
- Shut up.

- You're dead weight
on Harvey's back.

- I said shut it, Bats.

- I think you're so used
to sharing Harvey's good ideas

that if you ever had to think
for yourself,

you couldn't take up the slack.

That'd be all the time I need.
- Think for myself?

What's that supposed to mean?

- Imperceptibly, Batman shifts
his weight forward.

- I'd tell you,
but Harvey would just have

to explain it to you.

- [laughs]
He's right about that.

- What are you laughing at,
you snot?

What, you think you can
catch me flat-footed, Bats?

- Sure I do.

All I have to do is have
one word with Harvey alone.

- Ha-ha, good luck with that.

If you ain't noticed,
not a lot of privacy

between me and Harvey here.

- We'll see about that, Harvey.

[speaks Latin]

- The odd Latin adage seems
to echo in the night air.

And as if it were
a magic incantation,

something stirs in Two-Face,

something that used to be
district attorney Harvey Dent.

- [speaks Latin]

- Huh, well played, Batman.

- What--I don't--what did
he say?

What did you say, Batman?

- It's Latin, Two-Face,

something any first-year law
student understands.

- What's the problem,
didn't you pass the bar, too?

- [grunts]
- Just Harvey then.

- You trying to talk
over my head?

You looking down
your pointy nose at me?

- Every muscle
in Batman's frame tenses,

ready for ten different
contingencies,

but it's Harvey
who speaks next.

- Oh, shut up.

The hostage gets
another coin toss.

- What?

What did the Bat just say
to you?

- He reminded me we all deserve
the benefit of the doubt.

All you need to know is
it was Latin for,

"This mook gets
another coin toss."

But make no mistake, Batman,
this toss...

- With a rolling motion,

his fingers produce
a silver dollar.

- Decides this man's life.

- And before even the Batman
can react,

a flick of Two-Face's thumb
sends the coin airborne,

a spinning blur
that hits the ground

to reveal...

- Looks like the coin
returns a verdict

of innocent.

- Oh, thank--
- Shut up!

I knew it!
- Here you go, Batman.

- The frightened c*ptive is
shoved into the arms

of the caped crusader.

- Oh, thank God.

- You're all right, sir,

and you're finally going
to Arkham Asylum, Harvey.

Don't make this difficult.
They're going to help you.

They can make you whole again.

- [cackles] Not tonight, Batsy.

- What is that sound?
Robin, report.

Have you secured
Harvey's th*gs?

- Negative, Batman.

All the hostages are safe,

but Bob and Bub made a getaway!

- Yeah, the boys had
to bring the car around.

- Incoming!
Get down.

- Eh, car, airplane,
same difference.

- Batman, what's going on
up there?

- Harvey's th*gs are scraping
the roof with a biplane.

Get down, sir!
[g*nf*re]

- Drop the ladder, boys.

- We enjoyed the dialogue,
Batman.

We'll be beside ourselves
until we meet again.

- Just shut up!

You embarrass me when you say
stuff like that.

Do you realize that?

You sound so-so damn goofy.

♪ ♪

- Harvey has escaped, Robin.
I failed.

He's loose to continue
his insane rampage.

- Batman, we didn't lose.

You saved a man's life.

- Blind luck saved
that man's life, Robin.

And that's not acceptable.

Someday, I'm not going
to be there

when the coin comes down
on the wrong side.

I realize now, even though
he once was my best friend,

I have to somehow save the life
of Harvey Dent

or end it once and for all.

♪ ♪

- As unfaltering as a sunrise
is the Batman's belief

in second chances.

But Harvey "Two-Face" Dent has
officially had

too many second chances.

What will be his final fate?

The clues can be found
in a future report

filed under life and death
in Gotham City.

♪ ♪

- Gotham's famous
Iceberg Casino heats up

with that swinging Casanova
of the cabaret,

that devilish director
of dancehall do-si-do,

Stoveplate Sullivan
and his Potbelly Orchestra.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Well, I'ma going on down
to Gotham Infirmary ♪

♪ Got six little fishes,
laid out them each ♪

♪ They pull them right
out the cold, cold harbor ♪

♪ 'Cause fishes can't swim
with cement feet ♪

♪ ♪

- Star of stage and cinema,
Stoveplate Sullivan appears

at the Iceberg Casino
every Saturday night

for an exclusive long-term
engagement.

There's no bigger name

in big band
than Stoveplate Sullivan,

and you won't see him
anywhere else

but at Oswald Cobblepot's
world-renowned Iceberg Casino.

At least, you'd better not
see him anywhere else.

He signed
an exclusive contract,

and Mr. Cobblepot doesn't
take that lightly.

Stoveplate Sullivan's
from Hollywood,

and he might not know how
we do things in Gotham City,

but friendly advice,

he should avoid finding out
the hard way.

- ♪ If I die tomorrow
in Gotham ♪

♪ I'll leave behind a fortune
in sin ♪

♪ But if I died last night
in Gotham ♪

♪ Don't tell me
till I finish my gin ♪

Please, can I see
my daughter now?

- The Iceberg Casino...
- [quacking laughter]

- Where everyone's
a peng-winner!

[soft dramatic music]

- "Life and Death
in Gotham City" Epilogue.

♪ ♪

[carnival music playing,
children laugh]

Once this wide stretch of
Gotham's waterfront was known

as Amusement Mile,
a glittering pleasure district

where wholesome thrills
were sold for a nickel ticket,

and ice cream men
in crisp white uniforms

sold smiles by the scoop.

[dramatic music]

Today, it stands abandoned
and defunct.

Like so much of Gotham,

it is a rotting reminder
of her happier days.

[seagulls cawing]

Two shady figures slip
through a decomposing fence

to stalk the abandoned funfair.

Once a park of amusements,

now it is a kingdom of rats,
and trash, and broken windows.

And its monarch is a monster.
- [cackling]

- Tonight, these two seek
an audience with his majesty.

♪ ♪

- It's just,
I really need a job,

and I want to be part
of something big.

- Okay, man, relax.

I'm telling you,
it's just a job interview,

nothing to sweat.

I've worked for the man
for years.

The pay is unbelievable.

The messed up stories, well,
they're just stories, man.

Geez louise, you look like you
just saw the Bat.

You're gonna be great.

- He gonna like me?
- I didn't say that.

- He scary?
- Heh.

Only if you're afraid
of clowns.

- A'ight, so everybody's heard
he's hiring all of a sudden,

which is weird 'cause he's
kind of been real quiet lately.

- Oh, yeah,
the boss was terrible blue

when they let him out
of Arkham last time.

He moped around like crazy.

"Nothing is funny anymore,"
he said.

If I'm honest,
I thought that maybe this time,

you know, they actually
cured him, you know?

Like, he wasn't faking
this time.

[glass shatters, cat yowls]
Then all of a sudden,

one day last week,
he's his old self again.

You know what that means.
- Uh, no.

- It means, take your seats,
ladies and gentlemen,

the show's about to begin.

- I want to be part of it, man.

This is gonna be legendary.

Hey, I worked for the Riddler
for a few weeks.

Do I tell him that?
- Nah, man.

It's better if you don't
mention the Riddler.

He says the Riddler's crazy.
- [laughs]

He says the Riddler is crazy.
[laughs]

That's like the kook calling
the wacko nuts,

you know what I mean?
[rats squeaking]

What?
What's that look for?

What'd I say?

- Yeah, okay, this is a good
time to go over the rules.

- Th-there's rules?

- First, do not kid about
the subject of mental health

in front of him.
- Oh, sh**t, yeah?

- And don't go anywhere near
the subject in any context.

It's personal for him.
- Oh, yeah, right, for sure.

- Now, he might bring it up,

maybe ask you if you've ever
seen a shrink before.

Make something up quick
if you have to,

but don't say no
because that will light him up,

and he'll want to peel
your skull like an egg.

- Oh, want to what now?

- You know, be the first to,
uh, poke around in your attic.

Psychiatry is his hobby,
and he's not good at it.

But hey, go for it
if that sounds like fun.

He'll strap you to a couch
and ask you questions

about your mother
for 30 hours straight.

- Cripes, man.

- Now, do not eat or drink
anything he might offer you.

This will offend him,
not gonna lie,

but that beats taking
your chances with anything

you gotta put in your mouth.

See, a lot of his jokes have
the same punchline,

you getting
your stomach pumped.

- I-I don't know about
this--any of this.

I think I'm gonna--
- Hey, speaking of jokes,

if he starts telling a corny
old joke you've heard before,

for crying out loud,
don't fake laugh.

I'm serious as stage four, man.
Do not do it.

I mean, how you thread
that needle's up to you,

but if he feels like
you're condescending to him

on the subject of humor
[chuckles]

he will stick a switchblade
up your nose.

Best bet is just be polite.

- Your advice is "be polite."

- That's always good advice,

even when you're not meeting
the clown prince of crime.

Now, this is it, his office.

- The two men have
stopped abruptly

at a ramshackle façade
that somewhere,

under decades of graffiti
and grime,

might still say "fun house."

- Remember,
he's gonna touch you a lot.

This is normal
and not necessarily bad,

but the most important thing is
whatever you do,

if you forget everything else
I just told you,

the one thing that you got

to remember is do not--
[door opens]

- Suddenly,
the fun house door flies open.

There is something
in the doorway.

- Howdy, boys.

Some nice night.

[laughs]

- It is a hideous grin
with a man attached.

- Hey, who's got two thumbs
and loves a full moon, huh?

The guy I got tied up inside,
that's who.

- [muffled whimpering]
Please, please don't do this.

- You would have no way
of knowing that,

but he was just telling me--
oh, wait.

Did I say two thumbs?

Sorry, that's not
the latest information.

- Stumbling backwards,

the trembling recruit
can only stammer.

- J-J-Jo-Jo--
- Joe-Joe?

Who's Joe-Joe?
No Joe-Joe here, friend.

Joe-Joe left his home
in Tucson, Arizona.

Everybody knows that.

Say, Charlie,
who is this screwball?

Is he trying
to sell me insurance?

- Evening, Boss.
This is Rocco.

- Yeah, but--
- Huh?

Rocco?
Who the Sam Hill is Rocco?

Who the Sam Hill is Sam Hill,
huh?

Speak up, Sam.

- Pleased to meet you,
Mr. Joker sir, I--

- Rocco, boss,
is the next new recruit.

He's here
for the job interview.

- Yeah, but I think
I changed my mind.

- Oh, Rocco, right, Rocco.

Rocco, he's botho sock-o,

hickory dickory dock-o.

Well, we're off to a kind of
bad start, Rocco, aren't we?

- I don't--uh--

- Let's start over inside.

Oh, you feel tense.

I'll make you a drink.

- As he is led inside,

the young recruit considers
the choices he's made in life.

- Speaking of drinks,
you heard this one?

Pirate walks into a bar, Rocco.

He's got a ship's wheel
on his belt buckle.

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

- At the abandoned fun house,
the cracked mirrors twist

and reverse all they see.

Once, children played here.

It was a place of screams
and laughter.

Now a madman plays here.

It is a place of laughter
and screams.

Such is "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

To be continued.

♪ ♪

[radio static]