01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

- Blue Ribbon Content presents:

"Batman: The Audio Adventures."

[radio static]

[suspenseful music]

[g*nf*re]

- Code four,
bystanders injured.

We are code four.
Repeat, this is 2-Adam-1.

Shots fired
at 202 Doubleday Street.

Bystanders injured!

We are code four,
requesting backup, over.

- Copy 2-Adam-1.

Can I get your exact 926?

- In vehicle 8300 block
on Morrison, pinned down.

Two-Face g*ng
exchanging heavy g*nf*re

with-with unknown assailants
at 202 Doubleday Street, over.

- Say again, 2-Adam-1.
What is your 20?

- That's 202 Doubleday Street,
over.

- [screams]

- Dispatch, do you copy?

- Copy your 20, 2-Adam-1.

We advise the address is
a suspected site

of ill*gal narcotics
manufacture.

Repeat, 202 Doubleday Street is
a suspected drugs laboratory

operated by the Scarecrow g*ng,
over.

- The Scarecrow g*ng?

Why is Two-Face hitting one
of that psycho's meth labs?

[expl*si*n]
Sweet boiled peanuts!

- I didn't copy that, 2-Adam-1.

- It's Harvey Dent.
He's out of his mind.

He's got
a double-barreled bazooka.

He's screaming about toucans,
over.

- Say again?
- He's screaming about toucans!

Where are the toucans?
Over.

- Like the bird?
Over.

- Affirmative, dispatch.

That's the assessment on site,

that he's referencing
the tropical bird,

like from the cereal box, over.

- 2-Adam-1,
I have the commissioner here.

Are you able to--
[crash]

- Sweet--major expl*si*n
at the scene, gas clouds.

There is gas billowing
from the--

[people screaming]
[coughing]

- Fall back, 2-Adam-1.

- [coughing]
Oh, my God!

What did he--he buried me.
[g*nf*re]

- I do not copy, 2-Adam-1.

Did you say, "He buried me"?

- He buried me.
He buried me alive.

[sirens wailing]
Let me out of this coffin.

Let me out of this coffin!
- Give me that.

Sergeant,
this is Commissioner Gordon.

You just inhaled
Scarecrow drugs.

You're not in a coffin.
You're in your squad car.

- When did I die?

[woefully]
I-I don't even remember dying.

- Sergeant, I need you
to stay with me.

Do you have your antitoxin?

- Oh, my God, Commissioner,
are you in here, too?

- Hey, hey, hey, do you have
the Batman's antitoxin?

- Please don't breathe my air,
Commissioner.

I can't breathe.

- Pull yourself together,
Sergeant.

- The worms, the worms have--

- Take your antitoxin!
Do you copy?

- The worms have--

[sobbing]

Teeth, Commission--

[static]

- Damn it, he's gone.

If what the Batman tells us
is true,

he could feel the effects
for the next 36 hours,

but he'll try to end it all
a lot sooner than that.

Get a medical unit
on the scene.

[phone rings]
The Batphone!

Finally, some good news.
[radio clicks]

All units be advised,


an active
Scarecrow Fear Gas hazard.

Repeat, Fear Gas is live
at Doubleday Street 200 block.

Be advised the Batman is
en route.

The Batman is en route.

- Gotham, a city built in
the long shadow of cruel fate.

Join us now for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."

February 5th.

Two years ago, Harvey Dent
boarded a flight to madness

that is now approaching
its final descent.

His complete mental breakdown
is being helpfully hastened

by the malicious machinations
of the Penguin.

This promises chaos in Gotham's
world of organized crime,

just as the Joker and
the Riddler promise servings

of their trademark
disorganized crime.

Holding the center is
the Batman,

but how long can we ask one man
to fight back the void?

We rejoin our adventures
at a dilapidated duplex

located at number 2
Gemini Street.

This is the hideout
of the conflicted crime lord

known as Two-Face.

[record playing,
coin flips, stops]

He is usually of two minds
about things,

but tonight both of them are
in agreement

that his bumbling henchmen must
answer for the recent fiasco

at 202 Doubleday Street.

[record skipping]

[record stops]
- Please, boss.

- You were
a tremendous disappointment

to us today, Bob.
- Both of us,

but I'm twice as mad.
- [stammering]

- We'd say all hell broke loose
out there, Bob.

And that'd be
a charitable assessment.

- Boss--

- Pigs over here,
g*ons over there,

and the dadgum Bat right
in the middle of it.

We were lucky to make it
to the safe house, Bob.

- Boss, let me explain.
- Save it, Bob.

It's simple deductifying.

There's no way we hired
two idiots, see?

So one of you two poltroons
has to be the source

of the problem.

- We figured it was Bub.

Bub never seems to be
on the stick, you know?

But the coin says it was you,
Bob.

And we don't argue
with the coin.

- Boss, please!
- Where is that kid?

- Yes, sir, Mr. Two-Face?

- We'd appreciate a shoeshine,
young man.

- Yes, sir.
[cats meowing]

- You know, we wanted
those two t-t-toucans, Bob.

- There were no toucans, boss.

- Is it that our instructions
confuse you, Bob?

- No, boss,
I don't get confused.

I'm only saying--
- Oh, he doesn't get confused.

Did you hear him say--
- Yeah, I heard him say that.

That's quite a claim, Bob.
- What...

What, are you special, Bob?

Is your brain not split clean
down the middle

like everyone else's, Bob?

- In other words, is there
somehow no longitudinal fission

between Bob's
cerebral hemispheres?

- Shut up, college boy.
I just fricking said that.

I just said the same thing.

- Please, boss!
- No!

- This is fascinating
to us, Bob,

this miraculous undivided brain
of yours.

We'd like to see it.
- Oh, boss, don't.

- No, we want to see it.

Come here, you sissy.

Let's just make
a little peephole,

so we can get a peek
at Bob's one of a kind brain.

- Boss, please, you knew
Penguin was setting you up.

Then the Bat shows up,
and how do you expect--

- Careful, Bob.

- You're all set,
Mr. Two-Face, sir.

I only shined the one shoe,
just like you like.

- Nice job.

Let's ask the coin what kind
of tip you earned, kiddo.

- With a practiced hand,

the cloven criminal flips his
double-headed silver dollar.

Woe betide the boy
if his luck is not good.

The result...

- Well, how 'bout that?

It's your lucky day,
little shaver.

- Hey, thanks.
Never seen a $2 bill.

- [chuckles]
You're new around here.

- Now scram
before we change our mind.

[footsteps departing]
- Now, where were we, Bob?

You know,
I think it was coin time.

- Please, boss,
I'm begging you.

- Into the air again
leaps the coin,

a spinning blur.

As the coin is revealed,

the terrified underling
nearly collapses

with relief.
- Oh! Oh.

- Well, well, good side up.
Are you Irish, Bob?

You got the luck for it because
this coin says you live.

But hold on.

Have we ruled out a bit
of good old-fashioned

character-building t*rture?
- Oh, please.

- Better ask the coin,
don't you think?

- You read our mind.

- Oh, please, please,
please, please.

[dramatic music]

- Lifting his palm slightly,

the fractured felon peeks
at the coin beneath

with an acid scarred eyeball.

A moment elapses
that takes years.

♪ ♪

At last the palm is lifted
to reveal

the pristine face once again.

- Oh, thank--that's good,
right, boss?

We're good?

- Coin says we're good, Bob.

- But suspicion has crept
into his voice,

perhaps a flicker of doubt
in the wisdom

of the almighty coin?

- We don't argue with the coin,
do we?

- No, we don't.
We don't argue with the coin.

- What?

No, I said we don't argue
with the coin.

- The indecision is unnoticed
by the ebullient underling,

but it does not escape a pair
of keen eyes

secretly monitoring the scene
from the skylight above.

♪ ♪

- Robin to Batcave,
mission accomplished.

Two-Face had no idea it was me.

I even made two bucks
out of it.

But I'm not sure about this.

- Discarding his shoeshine
boy disguise,

the Boy Wonder cannot help
but voice his doubts

to the dark knight.

- I gotta say, it feels
like a risky play, Batman,

having me swap out
Two-Face's coin

for that phony you had made up.

He's already starting
to notice something's weird.

- I want him to notice, Robin.

That's not just
a tracking device.

That duplicate coin you slipped
him is carefully weighted

to come up good 77%
of the time rather than 50%.

- So the theory is,
now three out of four times,

he'll listen
to his better side.

- My bet is he'll start
to question his faith

in random duality as the coin

overwhelmingly tells him
to make the moral choice.

- Wouldn't it be better to just
drop the hammer on him now?

I'm looking at enough
ill*gal firearms

to arm a small military.

And we have eyewitnesses
that will testify

they saw Two-Face
blow up a brownstone.

- He blew up a drug lab
in the Narrows, Robin.

Scarecrow was a nuisance
to criminals

and the decent citizenry alike.

Harvey knows how to make
that kind of trouble disappear

in the legal system.

He always does.

Despite his illness,
Harvey is still a legal genius.

No, Robin, there's only one way
to rid the city of Two-Face,

and that's to appeal
to the good man

who was once Harvey Dent.

He's still in there.
I know he is.

- But why only 77%, Batman?

Why don't we put our thumb
on the scale a little more?

Two-Face wouldn't buy it?

- Two-Face might, Robin,
but Harvey Dent wouldn't.

No sane person would believe
there's that much good luck

in Gotham City.

[smooth music]

- A simple coin toss,
fate or physics?

If the day is divided evenly
by night,

then whither the dusk
and the dawn?

These are the questions
tonight planted

in the mind of a maniac,

but will they grow
towards the healing light?

The answer will be written
in the book

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

- And now a message
from Gotham City Mayor

Hamilton Hill.

- Gotham City,
the treasure of the night.

Is it any wonder
we're world-famous?

Our fair city has
so many claims to fame.

Gotham is the largest city
in the world.

We have more museums
than London and Paris combined.

I personally try to promote our
vibrant manufacturing district

and hip foodie culture.

[record scratch]
But I don't kid myself.

I know Gotham City
is mostly known

for poison gas attacks.

[wah-wah music]

And look, hey,
in fairness, I get it.

[laughs]
You know,

we got more gas attacks
in this town

than we have tapas restaurants.

We got knockout gas,
laughing gas, Fear Gas, what--

I mean, you know,
apparently chemical warfare is

outlawed everywhere
in the civilized world

except right here
in Gotham City.

Oh, oh, that distinction
looks fantastic

on a tourist brochure,
by the way.

No, no, it really does.

You wouldn't think it,
but a lot of people

make their vacation plans
thanks to reverse psychology.

Yeah, yeah--oh,
and if it's not clear,

I'm being sarcastic.

[lighter clicks]
[inhales, exhales]

Anyway, GCPD has no reason
to think it won't be

wall-to-wall gas attacks
from Chinese New Year

to Flag Day again.

We went ahead and put together

another catchy
instructional song

to help you remember what to do
in the event

of a super crime related
gas attack

in your Gotham neighborhood.

So, uh, go ahead, fellas.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh, if a cloud of gas is
on its way ♪

♪ Make sure you go
the other way ♪

♪ If you don't want gas
to have its way ♪

♪ Then what we said is
the only way ♪

- Oh, you gotta be
fricking kidding me.

"Go the other way."

That's the advice we're gonna
give a terrorized population.

[laughs]
Wow.

And hey, guys,
don't think I didn't notice

that every rhyme is "way"

with "way." Yeah.
[cat meowing]

You guys told me
you stopped drinking.

Yes, you did, yes, you--no,
yes, you did.

You said it to my face that you
had both had your last--oh, oh.

Oh, oh, Phil's going
through a rough patch, Paul.

Oh, that's good.

Good for you to look out
for your buddy like that,

your partner,
but I have a question.

Then why do you smell

like 101 proof sock
to the snot box?

Huh, Paul, huh?

No, no, no, no, no,
you know what?

Hey, sorry, never mind,
never mind, I'm done here.

That's it.
Oh, no, no, no!

Yes, you are definitely going
to air this take.

- This has been a message
from Gotham City Mayor

Hamilton Hill.

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a city described
in charcoal upon slate.

Join us now for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[clock clicking, tolls]

At the stroke of midnight

in the darkened
and empty executive office

of the Janus Cosmetics company,

a master thief creeps in
on silent cat's feet.

With purpose, she strides

across the ornate
Turkish carpet.

With skill and stealth,
she removes a large painting

to reveal

set into the wall behind it...

nothing.
- What the--

- Catwoman finds,
to her puzzlement,

there is no safe.

- Yes, that's right.
There is no safe.

- What the--

- Catwoman has also discovered

she's no longer alone
in the office.

She's been joined
by a young woman

aiming a flashlight
and a look of urgency.

- You've got about no seconds
to tell me

what the hell you think
you're doing.

- I think I'm trespassing
after breaking and entering,

just like you, Catwoman.

So I'd really like
this conversation

to go quickly and smoothly
so we can go home.

- What conversation do you
think we're going to have,

carrot-top?

Hold up, I know you.
You're that reporter.

- Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette."

I'm chasing a story,
and I kind of lured you here.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, sorry.

I may have casually suggested
to some of my street contacts

that there was rumored to be a
valuable new chemical formula

in a safe in the Janus
Cosmetics headquarters.

And I'm pretty sure I did not
mention that I made it up,

nothing to it.

Let me guess, Billy Wristwatch
tipped you off, didn't he?

- Congratulations, Lois Lane.
You trapped a cat.

That never goes well
for whoever has

to empty the trap.

- Okay, this is neither going
quickly nor smoothly.

The night watchman is old,
but he's not dead,

so please just listen to me.

- What makes you think
I won't k*ll you?

Or at least really
ruin your night?

- Because I've heard stories
about you,

and if even one of them
is true,

you're not that kind of girl.

- That earned you five seconds.

- Okay, here's my pitch.

Don't do it.
It's a bad idea.

- Now you know my ideas, lady?
You're some reporter.

- I know you've got a backpack
full of C-4 expl*sive.

Not a lot of good ideas
start that way.

- How do you--
- I can smell the penthrite

in the detonating cord.
- And how--

- I covered the w*r in
Santa Prisca for three years.

I'll never forget the smell
of improvised expl*sives.

- I'll stop asking.

- Here's what I know
about your plans for tonight.

After you robbed
my nonexistent safe,

you were planning
to blow the joint sky-high

because you recently found out
Janus Cosmetics is knee-deep

in a truly vile program
of laboratory animal testing.

- Still listening.

- And I know you found that out

because it's the mayor
who's looking the other way

in exchange
for some extra greasy palms.

- The mayor.

- Yeah, you know him,
the handsy sleazebag

you robbed last night?

You got his hard drive,
didn't you?

I'm betting you saw a lot
of stuff on that drive

that made you angry.

And angry people do stuff
like blow up factories.

I came here tonight
to tell you not to.

- [scoffs] You're not
telling me anything, scoop,

except maybe where you get off.

- I've got
two very persuasive reasons

why you're going to leave
with me right now, Catwoman,

with the b*mb still
in your bag.

Number one, the mayor is
rotten to the core

and entirely under the thumb
of the criminal underworld,

but he can be brought down.

I'm working on it.
You're not helping.

But you can.

If you give me a chance,
I'll explain.

Now let's wrap this up
and get out of here.

I promise you're going to want
to hear what I have to say.

- Wait, you said
you had two reasons

why I should bail on my plan.

What's the other one?

[siren wailing]

- Oh, yeah,
just before you got here,

I called the cops on us.

If we don't move it
immediately,

we're both going to jail.

I'll post bail.
How 'bout you?

- The felonious feline flashes
a sphinx-like smile.

- I'll go with you,
Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette,"

but only until I sort out
whether I hate your uptown guts

or we just became sisters
for life.

♪ ♪

- Extra, extra.

The cat burglar queen
meets the Gazette's

Pulitzer Prize winning reporter
at midnight.

Will a partnership be wrought?

Answers in a very late edition

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

- This Friday night
at the fabulous Iceberg Lounge

and Casino,
dance the night away

to swinging songs
of heartbreak.

- ♪ Oh, woe, woe, woe is me ♪

♪ I'm feeling low ♪

- If listening to people
in obvious pain is your idea

of a hot night on the town,
the Iceberg has your fix.

No one warbles a tale of woe

like Miss Violet Bump
and the Crimeli Gals.

- I'll tell you, it's tough
being a Gotham fella's mom.

The only shiny things he brings
home are b*llet casings,

and the flowers are always
for a funeral, honey.

[soft music]

- ♪ I'm feeling low ♪

- Oh, you don't know
the half of it,

but these girls know
what I'm talking about.

Sing it, girls.

- ♪ Oh, you ain't been lonely
till you've known the lonely ♪

♪ I found down
in old Gotham town ♪

♪ You think you've been low ♪

♪ But, Joe, you ain't low till
old Gotham town gets you down ♪

- She's got style.
She's got rhythm.

She's got a clinical case
of melancholy.

Just try to remain hopeful
when Miss Violet

sings her signature number,
"Dark Purple Dawn."

[string music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪

♪ When the silver moon
is gone ♪

♪ But before the sunshine ♪

- It's shadenfreude-lightful.

Oswald Cobblepot promises
crushing misery

in musical form,
and he delivers...

- [quacking laughter]

- At the Iceberg Casino.

♪ ♪

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a sizzling neon sign
blacked out with grime.

Join us now for another tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[wind howls]

Powerful binoculars
scan the night sky

to find a wobbly police
surveillance blimp

high above the Gotham skyline.

- Here it comes again, Batman.

- Flying erratically,
it has been defaced

with a green question mark,

the emblem of that malignant
manipulator, the Riddler.

Just as troubling,
it has been fitted

with an ominous
countdown clock,

but a countdown to what?

- The stolen drone is
tacking north, Batman.

It's repeating the pattern.

- Robin lowers his binoculars
and turns to the grim figure

at the wheel
of the speeding Batmobile.

- It's time we looped in
the commissioner.

- Batman, tell me
you have something.

The countdown timer
on that blimp has the city

on the edge of a panic.

- We followed
the hacked police drone

through two full circuits

of its flight pattern,
commissioner.

It's not random.

Riddler has it tracing letters
in the sky over the city.

- S-O-S.

- That's not comforting,
a distress call?

- "Save our souls,"

and the flight pattern
navigates

over seven historic cathedrals
and places of worship.

- I'll put out
an evacuation order

at all seven locations.

Am I calling the b*mb squad?
- You better.

But I'm not certain that's what
the countdown signifies.

Riddler is a cynical agnostic,

but bombing churches
isn't consistent

with his obsessions.

- You know obsessions, Batman.
What's bugging you?

- The man who calls himself
Edward Nygma is

a homicidal narcissist.

He doesn't make any effort
that doesn't feed

his massive regard
for his own intellect.

This doesn't.
- Batman!

Look up at the drone!
The countdown stopped!

- Stopped?
That makes no sense.

It had minutes to go.
Commissioner?

- Hello, Batman.
- Nygma.

- Are you wondering why
my countdown stopped?

[cackles]

Well, here's a little hint.

Because it's already too late!

Still don't get it?
Why am I even asking?

You're a clueless
window licker.

So here's another hint, Batman.

Riddle me this,

if you're a phony farmer
and a lying lumberjack,

I'm the only tool
you'll ever need.

What am I?

- A phony farmer
and a lying lumberjack

I'm a fool.
[car horns honking]

[tires squealing]

- Whoa, Batman,
you almost rolled us!

The blimp is flying away,
Batman.

- It's harmless, Robin.
Riddler played us.

If you're both a farmer
and a lumberjack,

the one tool you'd need would
be a combination of a hoe...

- Hoe and an ax.
It's a hoe-ax?

- H-O-A-X.

- Aw, you're not serious,
Batman.

The countdown was fake
all along?

[radio static]

- Batman!
- Commissioner.

- We're getting reports
of a heist at the warehouse

owned by
Star Occidental Shipping.

- SOS!
- It's the Riddler g*ng.

- The churches were bait.

He had us chasing his blimp

while he committed his crime
across town.

Don't worry,
we're on our way, Commission--

- Too late, they made off with
an entire shipping container--

[radio static]
- Commissioner.

- [sniffing]

Do you smell burnt toast,
Batman?

Well, that's probably
because I just blew

that five-cent fuse
that keeps your 40-watt brain

from shorting out.

[cackles]

- It's a recorded message.
I can't trace it.

- This must be painfully
embarrassing for you, Batman.

I suppose the kid is
right there

to see the spectacular failure.

Hi, Boy Wonder!

I'm worried about you, mm-hmm.

You let me know if it's
not entirely your choice

to wear that outfit, 'kay?

'Kay, bud, 'kay?
[laughs]

Oh, Batman, I should tell you.

Things got a little dicey
with the security guards,

as in slicey dicey,
but good news,

no one who survived got hurt.

[laughs]

Anyhow, gotta run!

You know that old saying,

when you've got a hand grenade,

everything looks
like an elementary school.

It's so true.
Ciao, bella!

[radio static]

- Outside the Star Occidental
Shipping group,

reports are four dead...

- Media is reporting
four dead security guards.

- He cheated.

You couldn't have known,
Batman.

- Wrong, Nygma got
inside my head.

He let me outsmart myself.

But he's about
to learn a hard lesson.

- What's that, Batman?

- This isn't just a battle
of wits.

On his best day,

Edward Nygma may be smarter
than I am,

but on my worst day,
I'm much, much more violent.

Charge the taser knuckles,
Robin.

- With a roar
of atomic horsepower,

the Batmobile slices
through the night.

What is its next destination,
a date with destiny perhaps?

And with certainty,

another tale of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

- The following is a test

of the Gotham City
emergency broadcast system.

This is only a test.

[beep]

Okay, I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry
to interrupt the beep.

When that test started,
it was only a test,

but I've just been handed word
that during the test,

it became real.

The note just says "Riddler."
Well, that's never good.

So I guess this is not a test

of the Gotham City emergency
broadcast system anymore.

It's real,

and I'm not sure what
to do exactly.

This is my first week.

I wanted to impress the boss,
so you know,

I took the manual home to read,
and I left it at home, okay?

Here, let me find someone
who can help.

I think the custodian is
still here.

I think I know
enough Portuguese.

In the meantime,
let's go back to the beep.

That's probably better
than nothing.

[beep]

[beep fades]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- "Life and Death
in Gotham City" epilogue.

[radio static]

[upbeat music]

- ♪ WGVO ♪

♪ Gotham Oldies Radio ♪

- Welcome back,
Gotham insomniacs,

to Dr. Dulcitone's
Wee Hours Nuthouse on WGVO,

Gotham's Voice Over.

My name is
the diabolical Dr. Dulcitone,

and no, I haven't escaped
from a mental institution

to k*ll the Batman.

Why does everyone keep
asking me that?

We're continuing our late night
lonely hearts marathon

of listener requested
love songs.

We just heard
"Our Love is Here to Stay"

followed by "I Dream of Jeannie
with the Light Brown Hair."

Let's keep the requests coming.

Next up on the line hailing
from Amusement Mile,

we got Joe.

- Howdy, Doc.
- Good evening, Joe!

We'll get to your request,
but I gotta ask.

Amusement Mile?
[chuckles] Rough neighborhood.

Are you participating

in a fraternity initiation
or something?

Are you looking for
a good place to hide a body,

or are you just a rat
that grew large enough

to dial a vandalized payphone?

- [laughing]

That's funny, Dr. Dulcitone.

Well, maybe the rat gag
was sweaty,

but the first two were solid.

No, I just like
abandoned places for the quiet.

Sometimes Gotham is so noisy
I can't hear myself think.

It's normal to hear yourself
think, right, Doc?

- Sure it is, Joe.

- Right, right, it's hearing
other people think

that's a no-no.

- Well, Joe, if you're calling
from Amusement Mile

after 2:00 a.m., and you're
listening to Dr. Dulcitone,

you're my kind of crazy.

- A lot of doctors think so
at first.

- So are you in love, Joe?
- Oh, I never touch the stuff.

They say when love's got
to you,

you can't eat,
you can't sleep.

Sounds to me like being
handcuffed to a radiator

for a weekend,
but what do I know?

- [laughs]
Fair enough.

You have a love song you want
to request at least?

- See, I don't think I get
love songs either, Doc.

You know what a love song is?

A love song is some guy
who badly needs to tell me

he dreams of Jeannie
with the light brown hair.

Does that not seem weird?

- [laughs]
Good point there, Joe.

- Seriously, if some weirdo
started oversharing

about his hair fetish
on the subway,

be honest, you'd get off
a few stops early,

am I right?

- I definitely would.

- Right, so some box
of muffins I never met

says he dreams of Jeannie.

Okay...fantastic.

Is he telling everyone this,

or am I just lucky?
- [laughs]

You are a live one, Joe.

- I'm just asking,

how come alley-oop over here
gets to yack my turnips off

about his dream,

meanwhile I share one
little dream I have

about writing
a pornographic bible

on a typewriter made

out of a vivisected department
store Santa Claus,

and Dr. Arkham takes away
my volleyball privileges?

[dark music]

- Wait, what?
- Well, it's like they say.

If you don't want
to spend eternity grinning

at your coffin lid,
ask the undertaker

to bash your teeth out
before he nails it shut.

- Who is this?

- I told ya, name's Joe,
but that's not my real name,

just like your real name
isn't Dr. Dulcitone.

It's Stuart Doheny
of 137 Stillwater Street 5G.

- [chuckles nervously]
How do you know where I--

[cat meows]
- Your cat's water dish

is empty, Stuart Doheny.

And this goldfish bowl
is filthy.

[water splashes]
- Are-are you in my apartment?

- You've got some nerve
spinning love songs

all night when you've got
neglected pets at home.

And they call me a monster.

- Joe--Joker?

- I know radio DJs aren't rich,
Stuart, but that's no excuse

for stealing
your neighbor's Wi-Fi.

- Please, Mr. Joker, sir.

What--what do you want from me?

- I've got a request, Dr. D,
what else?

I'd like you to play
"Dark Purple Dawn."

I've always loved that song.

It's like a cold razor blade
across your ears.

And if you would,

I want you to tell
all your listeners

in Gotham land
to just sit tight

until Valentine's Day.

And no matter how low down
and brokenhearted

this town can make you feel,
always remember

the Joker loves you.

The Joker loves you all
with all my heart

and all my soul.

But doggone it, you always
hurt the ones you love.

["Dark Purple Dawn" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪

♪ When the silver moon
is gone ♪

♪ But before the sunshine ♪

♪ Cheers the morning gloom ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It is then that I think
of you ♪

♪ Dark purple for my blues ♪

♪ Dark purple music ♪

♪ Fills the room ♪

- To be continued.

- ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪

♪ When the moon's grown pale
and wan ♪

♪ While I wait alone ♪

♪ For sunshine's
beck and call ♪

♪ ♪

[music fades]

[upbeat music]