- "Batman
The Audio Adventures."
[cheers and applause]
trio: ♪ Na-na na-na na-na
na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na
na na-na now ♪
[acoustic guitar music]
♪ Brothers and sisters ♪
♪ Let it ring
throughout the land ♪
♪ A loving day is coming ♪
♪ See the footprints
in the sand ♪
♪ Oh, in the sand ♪
trio: ♪ They're made
by freedom shoes ♪
♪ Gotta tie my freedom shoes ♪
♪ Better shine
my freedom shoes ♪
♪ Walk a mile
in freedom shoes ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ My freedom shoes
are shiny ♪
♪ My freedom shoes are neat ♪
♪ My freedom shoes protect
my freedom feet ♪
♪ ♪
trio: ♪ Na-na na-na na-na
na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na
na na-na na ♪
♪ ♪
Peace, man.
- All right,
young people of Gotham,
let's give it up
for teen folk sensation
Avie, Davie, and Hector!
[cheers and applause]
Wow, we have a well-behaved
group of youngsters
out here at Riverwalk tonight.
Come on, you kids,
let's hear it for courtesy.
[blows raspberry]
[all snickering]
- Good one, Butch.
- Shut up, Spike.
- Excuse me,
you're very impolite.
- Ah, go step on a rake,
clean bean.
[gasps]
- Yeah, here's a nickel
for the trolley, you drip.
- Oh!
[all snickering]
- Oh, leave her alone.
- What's it to you, Tommy?
- Yeah,
what's with you tonight, Tommy?
This whole scene's a drag.
Let's go bust windows
in the warehouse district.
- And now,
teens of Gotham City,
the moment
this musical festival
has been building to
all night.
Give it up for
the Electric Soda Fountain!
- Oh, man,
the real cornball stuff.
- We can't leave now.
- [cackles]
- I definitely think it's time
to bust out the stash.
- Ah, yes. Butch is holding
the thrill pills.
You ready to spook your noodle,
Tommy?
- What, seriously?
You scored scarecrow drugs?
- Quality scarecrow drugs.
The new stuff.
What do I take?
I've never done
a real deal fright trip.
No? Ah, it's the best.
It's like watching the greatest
horror movie ever made
while you're riding the world's
sickest roller coaster.
Purest thrills, man.
- [chuckles]
- Okay, I'm in.
- Ah, yes.
[zipper opens]
Okay, here, you're gonna want
some candy corn
to take the edge
off the ghosties.
- [pills clattering]
- Okay, down the hatch.
[swallows]
So how long does it take to...
- Wait, maybe you don't take
the candy corn
and ghosties together.
- What?
- Oh, sh**t.
Did he take corn
and ghosties together?
Oh, man,
I think that was too much.
What do you mean, too much?
[music distorts and slows]
♪ ♪
Butch?
- Man, he's tripping.
Look at him, Spike.
- Butch?
- Tommy, you okay, man?
I don't feel too good, Butch.
- Butch can't hear you,
but I can.
Hello, Tommy.
What did you say, Spike?
- [distorted]
I didn't say anything, man.
He didn't say anything, man.
I did. This is Scarecrow.
- Boo!
- [whimpers]
- [high-pitched voice]
Man, he's seriously tripping.
What do we do?
- You are
seriously tripping, man.
What do you do?
- Tommy, listen,
this is real important.
- You gotta--
- Ah!
- Don't listen to them, Tommy.
They're not your friends.
Blink once
if you understand me.
- Good.
- What?
Where are you?
- Oh, you nut,
I'm in your head.
Don't you remember?
You invited me.
[dissonant shrieking]
Mm, it's nice in here.
It's red and warm.
But I'm afraid
there--there's no windows
and no doors, Tommy,
so obviously--
[grunts]
I'm gonna have to eat
my way out
from the inside.
- [munching]
- [grunts]
[high-pitched whirring]
What is--what is that?
- W-what is making that noise?
- Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe this is all
just my drugs.
Maybe you're just curled up
in a ball on the ground
at the Gotham Youth
Music Festival,
and none of this is happening.
Or...
Oh, sh**t.
Maybe the concert
was hours ago.
[wind blowing]
- [echoing]
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Think hard, Tommy.
Where are you anyway?
- ♪ Heebie Jeebie
demon's head ♪
♪ Everyone you know is dead ♪
- Oh, sh**t.
Maybe the concert was days ago.
Oh, gee, you must be hungry.
What's that smell?
- What luck,
I've invited some friends over.
We're just sitting down to eat.
[all laughing,
Tommy whimpering]
Tommy, Tommy, you're afraid,
aren't you?
You're afraid,
and it's delicious.
- [whimpers]
- Mmm.
Oh, your fear, Tommy,
it's fatty and rich yet bitter.
It's like bone marrow spread
on burnt black toast,
and I want to gobble it all up.
Mmm, gobble!
- Mmm. Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- I don't--
Oh, Tommy,
rude of me.
Won't you join us?
I made you something special.
- I'm good. I don't need--
Take the cover off the dish.
- I don't wanna take
the cover--
- [distorted] Take the cover
off the dish, Tommy!
[crash]
What is that?
- What? No!
- What's happening?
[thuds and impacts]
Batman!
Take him down.
Use the grenades.
Blow the charges!
[expl*si*n]
[thuds and impacts]
Time to shuffle off to Buffalo.
Please, what is happening?
- Tommy.
- Who--
- You're going to be
all right.
I'm going to get you
out of here.
- Do you understand?
- What?
- You've been abducted
by the Scarecrow,
but I'm here to rescue you.
- [whimpers] You're--you're--
- That's right, Tommy.
I'm Batman.
[echoing]
Batman. Batman. Batman.
- Gotham,
the city that never sleeps
because it lies
on a bed of nails.
Join us once again
for a tale of life and death
in Gotham City.
The calendar says March 1st,
but it's just another day
in the Scarecrow's reign
of terror.
[dramatic music]
The rooftop
of Gotham Police headquarters
offers an unrivaled
vantage point
on all eight districts
of the world's largest city.
By the last official census,
12 million desperate souls
claim citizenship in Gotham,
and Commissioner Gordon
takes seriously his oath
to protect and serve
each one of them.
But tonight,
his immediate concerns
are focused on one citizen
in particular.
Hi, sweetie. It's Dad.
How are things at the library?
I'm sorry, can you speak up
a little bit, honey?
No, I guess you can't.
That's right, it's a library.
I'm sorry.
Well, you can just listen then.
I wanted to call and tell you
that boy that went missing
from the Youth Concert,
the Batman brought him home
to his parents,
but he is in rough shape.
Seems he OD'd
on Scarecrow drugs
and got ditch by his friends,
and then at some point--
why am I telling you this?
I thought you said you went
to school with this boy.
Tommy Zeppetelli,
I think his name--no?
Huh.
Well, boy, I thought
that y'all went to--
Okay, fine.
I just--you know
you're at that age
where bad ideas can seem
like good ideas.
And in case
you ever felt pressured
to take Scarecrow drugs,
I mean,
what is it they say?
It's like watching
a horror movie
while you're getting sick
on a roller coaster.
What you mean, me?
Three cigarettes today.
But that's it.
I'm done for tonight.
And then tomorrow it'll be two.
And I promise, I'm gonna quit
again by the weekend.
Wait,
how did this become about me?
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, okay, sweetie.
I love you too.
[footsteps]
Where are my smokes?
- I assume
you're looking for these?
Ah! How?
And when did you have
the time to--
- I'll give them back to you,
of course.
But only if you've decided
to be dishonest
- with your daughter.
- What? No.
No, I was actually
gonna throw them out,
quit a few days early.
- Mm, glad I could help.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
- You know, you're going
to give me a heart attack
before the cigarettes ever do.
- I'm easily able
to resuscitate you,
should that happen.
- Oh, well,
that's good to know.
- How's the boy?
- Physically unharmed.
Deeply traumatized.
I found him in another one
of Scarecrow's makeshift
haunted houses.
This one was
an abandoned funeral home
in Sycamore Hill,
elaborately staged
to evoke raw terror
in his hostage like the others,
but this was something new.
The exterior was dark,
unguarded.
Cell phone data placed
the boy inside,
but I decided not to take
any chances
with entry at street level.
[grappling hook clanks]
Scarecrow loves
his booby traps.
I slipped in
through a second story window.
Thermal showed six hostiles
directly below me
guarding the door
to the cellar.
Bruisers with beer guts
and sawed-off pool cues.
More of the Scarecrow's
biker g*ons.
[strangled yelling]
The abducted boy was down
in that cellar.
Every second I delayed
was an eternity for him
in Scarecrow's
manufactured nightmare,
so I decided on a strategy
of maximum theatricality,
micro-charges at my feet
sufficient to blast
a hole in the floor.
[boom]
Drop down on them from above
in a hail of plaster
and choking black smoke.
Heart rates and blood pressure
in all of them
went through the roof.
I've dealt
with this g*ng before.
They're twitchy and paranoid,
but even better,
they're afraid of me,
so I made my move.
[thuds and yelling]
The Scarecrow has a new trick.
They were energized
by their fear.
I don't know what drugs
he has them on now,
but I know a synthetic
adrenaline response.
The more afraid they felt,
the more focused they became.
It threw me off my rhythm.
I took a pool cue hard
to the throat. [grunts]
Three of them rushed me,
and I was pinned to the floor,
boots on my skull.
- And the fourth...
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Apparently thought to bring
along a chain saw.
[motor chugs]
I had one option,
if I could just reach my belt.
[motor chugging]
[all grunting]
[beeping, zapping, screaming]
[engine growls]
Rolled out of the way
with nothing to spare.
Bottom line,
he missed his one shot.
[grunts and thuds]
He was sweating profusely,
wild-eyed, terrified
of what I was
about to do to him,
but he still fought
like the devil himself
was giving the orders.
I had sympathy for the mope,
but that didn't mean
I went easy on him.
[grunts and thuds]
I heard something coming
from the cellar.
[low growling]
Infrared detected
concentrated fumes
escaping from the crack
under the door.
Hallucinogenic gas.
The air down there
was literally saturated
with nightmares.
I deployed the respirator
in my mask,
kicked in the door.
I thought I was prepared
for what was behind it.
I was wrong.
Crouching at the foot
of the rotten staircase,
it made no sense.
- It was--
- A helicopter?
[helicopter chopping]
Hey!
Who do you think you are?
You can't land that thing here.
- Apologies are due
to patrons of this broadcast.
The rest of Batman's harrowing
report will have to wait
because the airspace
above Police HQ
has just been violated
by a whimsically decorated
Sikorsky helicopter.
- I said you cannot land
that thing--
Ahoy, there! I say!
What h*! Ha-ha!
Oswald Cobblepot?
Ahoy, I say!
Permission to come aboard,
Gordon, old sport?
- What--what do you think
you're doing with that thing?
My Whirlybird?
It's new. Do you like it?
- You can't park
that thing here!
Actually, he can.
The GCPD helipad is designated
a public resource
under the new provisions
established
by his civilian oversight
board.
- Now, there's a man
with all the answers,
unless the question is,
"Do you know a good tailor?"
[chuckles]
Oh, I am good.
Well, well,
my chiropteran comrade.
Long time, no see, eh?
Oh, so you two really do have
an old boys club up here.
- The rumors are true.
- Yes.
While you profiteer,
we're working to bring
the Scarecrow to justice.
I advise you to keep
your provocations
from interfering with
vital police work, Penguin.
I answer to my name, Batman.
Do me the courtesy
of respecting that.
As for your efforts
to apprehend
an unusually creative
drug pusher
in a spook-house mask,
oh, do tell.
But what the good people
of this city
really want to know is,
what about the Joker?
Why is Gotham's
public enemy number one
still out there?
- Joker can't simply be hauled
in off the street,
even when he can be found.
He's got extensive insurance.
- What, what, what?
What insurance?
- A vast network of disciples,
devotees,
willing hostages.
There are untold numbers
of desperate souls
in this city who will
do harm to themselves
and others unless the Joker
is around to tell them not to.
He's like a cancer
that has grown
in the broken people of Gotham,
but he's also the chemo
that's keeping them alive.
Balderdash.
The city deserves to be rid
of that maniac,
and I'm going to be the one
to get the job done.
Now go find a mummers parade,
you ridiculous kook.
I've got real work to do.
- We got eyes on him, Batman.
- I know you do.
But there're going to be limits
to our control
of the situation.
Harvey Dent's legal expertise
has given Penguin
appalling latitude.
I can only imagine
the strain on Harvey.
He was in bad need
of mental health care
even before the Penguin
started running him ragged.
- Well, at least he's been
off the street.
- My guess is the Penguin
has him medicated.
It's a low priority.
We need to remain focused
on the Scarecrow.
- Well, I've got some good news
on that front.
Just got word
from our undercover man
inside the Scarecrow g*ng.
His cover is holding?
- Says they don't suspect
a thing,
and tonight,
he meets the man himself.
If all goes well,
in a matter of hours,
we'll finally know the true
identity of the Scarecrow.
A mask of burlap.
The vacant stare of a thing
confected to terrify.
But whose black eyes
blink behind it?
The answer is written
in invisible ink
by the cramped hand
of life and death
in Gotham City.
- ♪ Let's sing a song
of six g*ns ♪
♪ A gullet full of rye ♪
♪ Four and twenty blackbirds
juked in the pines ♪
♪ And when the pines
were rolling ♪
♪ The bats began to swing ♪
♪ Now wasn't that
a shady trip ♪
♪ To sweat the 403? ♪
♪ Whoa, hey diddle diddle ♪
♪ There's a crack
in the fiddle ♪
♪ So the count won't cover
the tune ♪
♪ 'Cause the little dog
gassed ♪
♪ To see such and such ♪
♪ And the Dutch ran
a skeleton crew ♪
[radio static]
- In baseball news,
the streak continues
for the mighty swat fly shot.
- Are you looking
for a kooky clown?
Are you looking
for a silly clown?
Are you looking
for a tipsy clown?
Then you're not looking
for Blabbo the Birthday Clown.
Not anymore.
Yes, Blabbo the Birthday Clown
has had a few ups and downs,
but now he's as sober
as Old Mrs. Murphy.
Hire him
for your child's birthday
and the only thing
you'll smell
on his breath
is laughter.
- ♪ Blabbo
the Birthday Clown ♪
♪ You can call him,
he'll be right down ♪
♪ Give him just a minute
though to start his car ♪
♪ He has to blow into a hose ♪
♪ WGVO! ♪
Enigmatic. Harlequin.
Absurd. Harlequin.
Irrepressible.
The Harlequin is finally here.
Harlequin.
- Gotham, a greenhouse
of smoked glass
where only
the night flowers grow.
Join us for another tale
of life and death
in Gotham City.
Welcome to Crime Alley
and the infamous
Riverside Lounge.
To call it a dive bar
is an insult
to holes in the wall.
It's a lint trap
for assorted lowlifes
looking for some combination
of violence and oblivion.
The selection
of top shelf libations
on offer is easy to recite.
There is no top shelf
or much else
in the way of décor,
for that matter.
A sufficiency of barstools,
a tombstone radio squawking
on the sideboard,
and an ancient billiards table
covered in ratty scarlet felt.
- You scratched.
- Says you.
I get ball in hand.
You touch that cue ball,
I'll bust your thumbs with it.
- It's not so much
a local watering hole
as it is
a flea-bitten menagerie
of malfunctioning passions,
which also happens to be
a fitting description
for the young woman
suddenly standing
in the front doorway.
Look alive, you stewbums.
Who said start to drinking
without me?
You got taters in your ears,
spud?
- Huh?
- I'm pulling your leg.
Come on, I'll buy you a round.
Sheesh. What a daisy.
- Harleen Quinzel has
not slept in quite a while.
Who can sleep?
There's so much to do.
- Oh, boy,
I tell you what, fellas.
What a day I'm having.
Pour me the usual,
would you, Johnny?
And give that trick elbow
a workout, you bum.
So get a load of this.
Lady next to me on the bus
wearing the tallest hat
you ever seen
has a goldfish bowl in her lap.
Big goldfish bowl
full of water.
No goldfish.
So I says to her, I says,
"Hey, lady.
I think your fish got off
a few stops ago."
- You know what she says to me?
- Uh...
- She looks down all surprised,
and she says,
"Well, don't that beat it all?
I thought he was just giving me
the silent treatment again."
Oh, don't laugh.
That's a stinker.
All right, so what are
we playing here, you mugs?
no break box Mosconi Cup?
Chalk or walk, boys.
Who's got next? Hey, Johnny!
- Who the heck
is this loony dish?
I got no idea.
- Hey,
where's that drink, Johnny?
Do I gotta pour it myself?
His name's Manuel.
- And he can't pour you
your regular
because you is not a regular.
- No?
- No.
- We don't know you
from Batman, lady.
- What?
Well, how do you like that?
Huh? I thought
this was one of them joints
where everybody knows
your name.
Well, apology accepted, fellas.
Let's move past it.
I came all the way downtown
to this stink pit
'cause I wanna discuss
a business proposition.
- That's seems
to have consumed
the last of the good will
in the establishment.
The clientele of the Riverside
begins to move menacingly
towards the loopy interloper.
- Okay, lady.
- Hey, no, no, no.
No need to rush
the dance floor, youse guys.
Okay, okay, you got me.
Sharp eye.
I'm new around these parts.
- Well, we usually don't take
kindly to strangers,
- do we, Nero?
- Not kindly, no, Rosso.
- What do we usually take
to strangers, Nero?
- We take a blowtorch
to strangers mostly, Rosso.
Though sometimes we take
a crowbar to them
on account of that's better
for the environment.
- Oh, whoa, you mooks
lay it on thick. I love it.
And I don't want to waste a bit
of that moxie,
so I'll cut to the chase.
I'm here
on very important business.
- What business?
- It's simple.
You see, a while back,
I was a doctor or something.
But then I fell into a vat
and became a waitress
till my boss
ended up dumplings,
then my banana rang and told me
I needed to start a crime g*ng
to get the Joker to marry me,
and now you're all caught up.
So who's in, and how soon
can you start criming?
[all laughing]
Oh, man.
That is good Gotham crazy,
lady.
- Marry the Joker?
- You? As if.
Get lost, String Bean Jean.
You ain't exactly
the criming type.
[all laughing]
- Yeah, go home
and feed your turtles, lady.
- Okay, Rosso,
three ball, corner pocket.
Ah!
- Exploding into
an incandescent crimson fury,
Harleen suddenly snatches
the ivory billiard ball.
- Hey, what the--
- Put that down.
[growling]
- What in the--
[crack]
Sweet petunia,
she just took
a bite out of the cue ball.
Ow!
I don't think
you spider monkeys
are getting the picture.
- Get out of the way.
She's gonna flip the--
- Jump jaybirds!
[crash]
That cue ball's nothing.
I got a love inside me
that's taking big, sloppy bites
outta my crackers, capisce?
I needs me my man,
or I'm fixing
to I don't know what.
But I'm keen to woodshed
a few ideas
on you chicken cutlets.
Now, you mugs getting
on board the program,
or am I kicking off
this crime spree
with a mass m*rder?
- Holy cannoli.
It's a she-Joker.
- They're like two peas
in a freaking pod.
- Well?
- Hey, listen, lady.
You're a natural.
That much ain't up for debate.
But you're kind of
going about this all wrong.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You can't get anywhere
in this town
without a solid gimmick.
- A gimmick?
- Yeah.
Some kind of an angle.
Like, nobody's just a crook
in Gotham anymore.
You can just go out there
like Plain Jane Doe.
Crime is a big show now.
You gotta have a theme,
you know?
A theme. A look. The works.
- No street cred
in Gotham anymore
without a solid gimmick.
A gimmick. A gimmick...
Huh, jeez,
I didn't think of that.
I ain't got no gimmick.
Well, it ain't that hard.
Like, just pick a nursery rhyme
or an animal or something.
Anything to get
real wound up about.
It'll give your crimes panache.
Or, you know,
can you make up puzzles
- or wacky scavenger hunts?
- That's always a plus.
- No. I ain't--I ain't got
none of that stuff.
I can't even really
think straight.
I thought
I could just do crimes.
Ugh, what's a good gimmick?
- Uh, what that--
uh, you know...
- I can't do this by myself.
I need another sign.
Somebody get my
a talking banana.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
We'll get you a whole bunch.
- Just don't bite any more
pieces out of the joint, okay?
We're begging you.
But signs and omens
can present themselves
in many mysterious ways.
And frequently,
no tropical fruit is required.
- You don't get it.
I ain't got no time to waste.
I need my pudding's attention
pronto, or else...
- [whispering]
The Harlequin...
- Huh? What's that?
Who said that?
- I didn't say nothing.
- Somebody--
somebody say my name?
You say my name, tough guy?
- We still don't know
your name, lady.
- Shush, shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush!
- The Harlequin...
- There it is again.
Hey, turn up the radio, Johnny.
His name's Manuel.
- Turn up the ever-loving
radio, Johnny.
- The Harlequin...
- That's it.
- The Harlequin.
Enigmatic. Absurd.
- Irrepressible.
- Hey, that's me.
- Prepare yourself,
Gotham City.
"The Harlequin"
is finally here
at the Gotham Museum
of Fine Arts.
Come see the world-renowned
masterpiece "The Harlequin,"
now the most expensive
painting
ever to be sold at auction
to a private collector.
On view for
a limited public engagement.
"The Harlequin,"
the most exquisite
of the Crimson Clown series
that scandalized the art world
a century ago.
Get it on a tote bag.
You gotta get it
on a tote bag.
And, hey,
even if you hate art,
it's a pretty big kick
seeing a goofy doodle
that's worth a cool billion.
"The Harlequin"
at Gotham Museum of Fine--
- That's it!
- [whispering] Harlequin.
Clown...Harley Quinn...
Harley...Harlequin...
Quinzel...The Crimson Clown.
Harley...
[laughter]
That's it.
I see it.
It's been deep inside
the whole time.
It's me, but with bells on.
And just like that,
the broken pieces
of Harleen Quinzel
have detailed blueprints
for their reassembly
into something new.
Uh, lady?
Call me Harley.
And get your shoes on, kids.
We're going to the museum.
I suddenly got
a billion reasons
to want to get a little culture
in my life.
But first,
peel all that red felt off
of that pool table I trashed,
and find me
a needle and thread.
I think I just had socko idea
for my new spring look.
- And so we bid adieu
to Harleen Quinzel,
who exits stage left
but will return
for a deranged debut
in a brand-new role later on
in this delirious pageant
known as life and death
in Gotham City.
To be continued.
[carnival music]
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Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register