02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[tape clicks and whirs]

Testing Track A.

Start March 4th, 2:02 p.m.

This recording is a private
and confidential document

in accordance with the code
of medical ethics

of the city of Gotham.

Patient file Dent,
comma Harvey--

- [as the Other]
And associate.

And associate.

Uh, introductory
psychoanalytic examinations,

attending physician,
Dr. Jonathan Crane.

This is session number two.

File note,
there is no surviving record

of session one in this series.

Do you wanna tell me
why you destroyed

the tape machine
in our first session, Harvey?

- This is our first session,
Doc--session two.

[as Harvey]
Yes, now we can begin.

- I see.
- I'm sorry it had

to come to that, Dr. Crane.

But "Tea for Two"

always means one for the pot.

Hmm, tell me more about that.

- [as the Other] Oh, God,
it takes two to tango, Doc.

A fly's got two wings, right?

'Cause y--
[fly buzzing]

'Cause you see, if you pull
one of the wings off,

- the fly just goes in circles.
- Hmm, I see.

- [as Harvey] What he's saying,
Dr. Crane, is that we can't

afford to go in circles today,
okay?

We need to make progress.
We--we know we need your help.

- Mm-hmm, you know,
the best way for me

to help you is to establish
a bond of trust between us.

[as the Other] Sure, sure.

[as Harvey] Hear, hear.
Trust is paramount.

- Fabulous, then hand over
your coin, please.

[laughs]

[as the Other]
Sorry, Doc. Fat chance.

- Oh, I think there's
at least a 50/50 chance,

because it's not up to you.

Isn't that right?

That's dirty pool, Doc.

Better ask the coin.

[mutters angrily]

...the coin.
[coin clinks]

[slaps coin on hand]
[grunts]

Coin says yes.

[as Harvey] We--we don't
argue with the coin.

- [gives coin]
- Thank you.

Don't worry, I'll just place it
right here on the table.

- [as the Other]
[grumbles]

- Fine, fine!
- Now then, session two.

We meet again
for the very first time.

So why don't you
introduce yourselves?

- [as Harvey]
My name is Harvey Dent--

[as the Other]
And I'm the senior partner.

Oh, senior partner?

But Harvey was here first,
wasn't he?

Wrong. Wrong.

I was here first.

[as Harvey]
He was. He's always been here.

[as the Other]
I'm Harvey's blood.

Do you get it?
You know, the sticky red stuff.

Before college boy learned
his own name,

I was what he knew.

Listen,
I'm all you need to know.

[as Harvey]
He's what we all are, Doctor,

before
the civilizing influences.

[as the Other]
[laughs]

Ah, civilize this, short pants.

Fascinating.

It's a very,
very interesting story.

But I heard a different one.
It's a horror story.

It takes place in a courtroom--
stars you, Harvey,

a jet of pressurized acid
and a hideous disfigurement.

- Best day of our life.
- Is that so?

- That day set me free,
like it was in the beginning.

- I don't think
the acid set you free.

I think it found you
in your hiding place.

- What?
- I think you were hiding,

because you were afraid.

I think you're still afraid--

afraid of what you would do
without Harvey.

Hah! Like fun.

- Do you ever wonder
what if that acid had taken

more than half of your face
that terrible day?

What then?

What if when the acid
had done its business,

there wasn't enough Harvey
left to do the serious work?

- Hah!
Oh, it never crossed our mind.

- You won't let it,
because it frightens you,

doesn't it?
The thought of being alone.

Let's try something.
Bear with me.

[opens drawer]
[bottle sloshes]

Guess what I have
here in this jug.

Oof!
[laughs] What fumes.

Let's just pour a splash
or two into the glass.

- [as Harvey] Wh--what is that?
What are you doing?

- It's a 97% solution
of muriatic acid, Harvey.

I believe that's your brand.

- [as the Other] What--what
are you gonna do with that?

- What are you afraid
I'm gonna do with it, hmm?

Tell me as I wave it
around carelessly--oops!

As the vapors
burn your nostrils,

tell me about the fear.

[cackles]

Fear?

You couldn't be more wrong,
Doc.

You think we got
some deep trauma

about what happened that day?

We're twice the man
we were before.

What we became isn't some
broken thing to be fixed.

It's something to be cleaned
and oiled and reloaded.

So sorry, Doc.
Your acid doesn't scare us.

It made us.

You wanna finish the job
on our face?

We dare ya.

[laughing] Your face?

I am sorry. You misunderstand.

I don't think you fear
for your face.

I think you fear
for the other handicap

- you acquired that day.
- What?

- And that all it would take
to reduce you to a puddle

of quivering terror would be
for me to take your coin

off the table like this.
[coin scrapes]

- And...
- Wait, wait, wait,

what are you--
[coin drops into bottle]

Oops! Into the drink.

[acid fizzing]
Oh, my.

Look at it dissolve.

That's muriatic acid for you.

- What did you--

- It's called
aggressive intervention.

And why don't we stop there
for this session?

Good progress.
I think we had a breakthrough.

What did you do?

narrator: Gotham,
a dark syrup pouring slowly

from cut crystal.

Join us once again
for a tale of life and death

in Gotham City,
March the third.

As Penguin's grip on the
police department tightens,

Two-Face's grip
on sanity weakens,

and his fiendish physician
delights at the spectacle.

[cackles]

narrator: Yes, the celebrated

Dr. Jonathan Crane,
psychiatrist,

is also
the diabolical drug pusher

known as the Scarecrow,
a secret he keeps safe

from all of Gotham City.

But when the world's greatest
detective is on the case,

it is only a matter of time

before all secrets
are revealed.

[eerie music]

- The Harlequin, theater's
most beloved star-crossed

lover and magical fool.

narrator: The words from
the museum ricochet around

in the addled noodle
of Harley Quinn.

- The Harlequin plays
the most crucial role

in the traditional
pantomime show.

narrator: Crucial, that's the
word for what she's feeling.

It's crucial she become what
the Joker wants her to be.

- For Harlequin alone
has the power

to magically transform
dreary melodrama

into madcap comedy.

narrator: What is life
without her beloved

but a dreary melodrama?

It's up to her
to bring the laughs,

and that all depends
on finding a magic bat.

Yes, when the going gets
tough, the weird go shopping.

Her search has brought her
to that famous coast

of holiday pageantry,
Gacey's Department Store.

She waits fitfully through her
last moments of her journey

in the crowded confines
of a caged elevator.

Fifth floor.

- Hey, spread out,
spinach chin.

You're in my no-fly zone.
[elevator dings]

- Cutlery, garden tools,
firearms, sporting goods.

Hey, that's me.

One side, lady, one side.

Hey, nice hat, by the way.

narrator: Harley's
new costume is a vision.

All that remains
is to accessorize.

Not content to be
mere hot stuff,

she figures she's one
magic baseball bat away

from being a knockout.

You, bow tie.

narrator: She makes
a k*ller beeline

for the
sporting goods counter.

I need a baseball bat.

I've been all over town
looking for a big bat

with that magic feeling.

Should've come to us first.

We have the best selection
in Gotham.

- Baseball fan?
- Pally, right now, I'm living

to hear the crack of that bat.

- So a real fanatic then?
- At least!

I'm a fanatic, a nut, a maniac,
a psycho, and a fiend.

- [laughs]
You don't say?

- Ah, they should put me
in a rubber room

before I hurt someone.

Hey, hand me that big bat
there, would ya?

- Sure thing.
There you go.

Try it out.
Take a few swings.

[bat swings]
[glass shatters]

- Whoa, careful there.
You see the game last night?

Heard the score on the radio.

Sounds like good ol'
Swat Fleischacker

kept it goin'.
What a hittin' streak, right?

- He's legendary.
And he crushed the first pitch

he saw for a double
off the wall.

Couldn't have been more
than three feet from a homer.

Then two more hits
off the bullpen!

That bat of his is magic.

Heard he drilled something
like 100 foul ba*ls

right into the cheap seats,

and he didn't brain
a single fan.

- [stammers]
No, he did,

but she was old and barely
left the convent anymore.

- Another nun.
What are the odds?

- How high is the body count now?
- This season, eight.

Well, I heard the Gaslamps
mascot recently succumbed

to his injuries,
so eight with an asterisk.

- Poor Lampy.
But let's be honest.

A head that size
is an awful big target.

Oh, sure.

And anyhow,
on a 53-game streak,

you're bound to have
a few accidents.

- [bat swings]
- Whoa, wow! Easy there.

- Seven more hits
for the league record now.

That slim Jim is sluggin'
to beat 60, literally.

- [glass shatters]
- Careful there. You, uh--

- This bat ain't working
for me.

- No? Now, what is it
you're looking for, exactly?

- Bat--big bat that can turn
a dog into a pile of sausages.

- Oh, a real piece of timber,
huh?

Well, this black ash
is a beauty.

Let me see that.

- Here you go--
[bat swings]

Whoa, ha!
You got quite a swing.

Maybe take
a little step back there.

You nearly cleaned my clock.

Anyhoo, how 'bout that
Toots Tully?

- Oh, love Toots.
Toots on a roll.

- Who knew a rookie
could be such a corker?

A rookie with a glass eye
to boot, huh?

- Glass eye,
steel plate in his head,

and a crippling fear of
children and the elderly,

and still hits .340-something
in AA.

- Yeah, that man's
overcome so much.

But Landry won't play him

'cause he's so in love
with Hobgood.

- Is this pine?
- White birch.

- And which one
is more bone-crushing?

Uh, try the pine?

[glass shatters]
Look out!

I don't even know what

Hobgood's doing in there
against lefties.

Well, that's on Landry.

- I mean, how hard is it
to fill out a lineup?

You do it every day
and somehow it's always wrong.

- [chuckles] Must take lessons
from the weatherman.

- I'm just a bum
with a sack of peanuts.

Even I know we shoulda never
signed Hobgood.

There's a reason you don't see
a lot of 300-pound infielders.

- You likin' the feel
of that one?

It's pretty good.

This is a big honkin' bat,
ain't it?

Feel like I could smash
this entire store with it.

- [swinging bat]
- Uh, yeah.

You absolutely could.
Is this for softball?

- No, this is for smashing
the entire store with it.

[both laugh]

Yeah, but none
of these are right.

These are good, but I need
turn-dog-into-sausages good,

like Swat Fleischacker has.

I need that kind of boy howdy.

Eh, maybe I should
just get ahold of his bat.

- What, you're talking
about Sluggerella?

That bat is one of a kind.

He's never been to the plate
with any other bat.

You'd have to cave in his head
with it before he'd let it go,

- I guess.
- Well, thank you.

That's really helpful.
So where can I find him?

- Find who,
Swat Fleischacker?

The Lamps are out of town
till the weekend.

- Fantastic, then I got plenty
of time to rescue Santy Claus.

- Wait, what?
- I figure as long as I'm here

at Gacey's, I might as well
rescue Santy Claus.

You can either
bring him out peaceful

or we do the other way.

[bat swings, glass shatters]

- Santy Claus?
But why?

- It's March.
- Don't you play dumb with me.

Everybody knows
Gacey's department store

has got Santy Claus for
the kiddies every Christmas,

and everyone knows he's held
here against his will.

Against his will?

- Just show me where you
keep him locked up

when it ain't
Christmas time, pally.

I just need proof of life here.

If Santy tells me
everything's good,

I got no beef.
I go in peace.

But if you don't make with the
jolly old elf pronto...

[bat swings, glass shatters]
Somebody's taking a long

- winter's nap.
- Security!

narrator: Harley Quinn is one
step away from her becoming.

Next begins the courtship
of the Clown Prince of Crime,

a love story plucked
from betwixt life and death

in Gotham City.

- Welcome
to the Monarch Theater.

To ensure the enjoyment
of all patrons,

we ask that you please
refrain from smoking

as soon as it becomes hard
to see the screen.

Now sit back
and enjoy the show.

all: ♪ Thank you for
choosing The Monarch ♪

♪ Take care when you exit,
the alley's dark ♪

Who knows what evil dwells

in the heart
of the dark of the city?

One lone defender
of the night--

[object flutters]
Look!

In the shadows--

on the rooftops!

It's a specter.
It's a shade.

It's a phantom.
It's an apparition.

It's a good thing
I bought this thesaurus.

It's Bat-Mite!

[eerie music]

Argus Studios Consolidated
Cartoons presents Bat-Mite in

"Bedtime for Baby Doll."

[lullaby plays]

- I saw the Mite Light in
the sky, Commissioner Gorgon.

What foul plot
threatens the city, eh?

- Ah, finally, Bat-Mite.
Now, see here.

I'm going out for the evening,
and I'm leaving you in charge.

Yes, sir, Commissioner.

I stand ready
to dispense cold justice.

- Good to hear it, 'cause
I need the dishes washed,

the dog walked,
the cat put out,

the squad car scrubbed,
and most of all,

I need you to make sure
Baby Doll

doesn't stay up
past her bedtime.

- Oh, d'aww, do you mean this
adorable tyke, Commissioner?

[babbling]

- Oh, ain't she a peach?
Well, that's no trouble at all.

It better not be.

I've got my eye on you,
Bat-Mite.

- Don't worry about a thing,
Commissioner.

Leave it to--
[door opens and closes]

- [cries]
- Me...

hey, uh-oh.
[projector rolling]

Baby Doll,
take off those roller skates--

- [laughs]
- This instant.

You're making me
very vengeful!

[laughter]
Ah, no, Baby Doll,

not the construction site.

[laughter]

- 'Scuse me, sir.
I mean, come on.

You don't
have the theater to yourself.

- [laughing hysterically]
- Can you maybe just, uh,

not laugh like a maniac?

I mean, God sakes,
you sound like the J--

Sounds like who now, Jackson?

- Um, mister, I'm s--
I didn't mean to--

I didn't realize--
[chokes]

[cracks]
[thud]

[laughs hysterically]

Ooh, it's good to laugh again.

narrator:
Gotham, there's a light

at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately,
it's a raging track fire.

Join us once again
for a tale of life and death

in Gotham City.

The Gotham Metropolitan Subway
System is hundreds of miles

of winding darkness
beneath the great city.

Nearly a century
of piecemeal expansion

has left a labyrinthine legacy

of sealed tunnels,
unfinished excavations,

and abandoned
subterranean stations.

In one such
long forgotten station,

deep under the narrows,

the ace reporter
for the "Gotham Gazette"

is just admitting defeat.

Well, this was a bust.

narrator:
Vicki Vale is tenacious,

incisive, persistent,
courageous, and driven.

But she is not proud.

She rolled the dice
on a long shot,

and it has not panned out.

- [Dictaphone clicks]
- 2:18 a.m.

Still no sign of him.
Am I surprised?

This was a stupid idea,
and it just gets stupider

the longer I sit here waiting

on an abandoned
subway platform.

- If you're waiting
for the uptown, Ms. Vale,

I have to agree.

The last train came through

about 60 years ago.

- I don't believe it.
You got the message.

You actually showed up.

- You're a rigorous reporter,
Ms. Vale.

- Thank you?
- So I took notice

when your reporting in
the morning gazette included

an interview
with a Gotham transit official

who has been dead
for half a century.

- You know
your transit officials.

- I know the late
Winston Munson was obsessed

with this subway station and
the persistent bat infestation

that closed it decades ago.
[bats screeching]

Once you had my attention,

it was short work to decode
the meeting request

you'd hidden in the text.

Here I am.

I hope this is important.

- So now I know
you're a local history buff,

and a very close reader
of the "Gazette,"

don't you think you're
revealing a bit about yourself?

- My eyes are everywhere
in this city.

You can print that exclusive.
Now, what's this about?

- It's JoyCure again.
- JoyCure.

- The Joker toxin
that ACE Chemicals

tried to repackage
as an antidepressant.

- The JoyCure project
is finished

thanks to your exposé
in the "Gazette."

- Yes, and ACE Chemicals is
discontinuing all products

derived from the Joker formulas
they stole.

- Well, that's the good news.
- It's more than good news.

You averted a catastrophe,
Ms. Vale.

I analyzed a sample of JoyCure.

It was not remotely ready
for human trials.

If that poison
had hit the market,

we'd be overrun by giggling
psychopaths within a week.

The city owes you
a debt of gratitude.

- I'm not expecting
to collect on that,

but maybe you can
help me out with a loose end.

What loose end?

- When I was digging in
on the JoyCure story,

one name kept coming up.

I didn't think
much of it at the time,

but it's back
on my radar screen.

- What name?
- Dr. Jonathan Crane.

- Yes, I know who he is--
a psychiatrist of note.

He's one
of Hugo Strange's acolytes.

- That's right,
and he wasn't just a consultant

on the JoyCure project.
He was an aggressive believer.

- His involvement
is not surprising.

He wrote a well-regarded
monograph about the Joker.

He has flashy credentials.

ACE Chemicals would benefit
from a name like that

associated with
the JoyCure project.

- Yes, he has quite
the good name in his field.

That's why I found it strange

that he'd take
an off-the-books job

working for a lowlife
like the Penguin.

- Crane is working
for the Penguin?

- I can think
of only one reason

he'd risk his academic
reputation by slumming it

with Oswald Cobblepot
all of a sudden.

- A chance to practice
psychiatry on Harvey Dent.

- Well, when you're
a brilliant psychiatrist

looking for a challenge,
that one's a double.

- I'll investigate.
Thank you, Ms. Vale.

- This is getting
out of my depth.

I'm a beat reporter.
I don't fight supervillains.

- Hmm, just claim them
as personal friends.

What? Come on.

You mean Catwoman?

She's no villain,
and you know that.

- Arkham is full of miscreants
that have caused this city

far less turmoil.

She's a source of
indiscriminate chaos

in the underworld.

I know
you're friendly with Catwoman.

If you have any influence
over your friend,

I advise you to exert it.

She crossed a line
with her stunt at the circus.

- So I should tell her
you're unhappy?

She knows that.

You should tell her there's
now a price on her head.

The word went out on the street
tonight--"Bring in the cat."

The payout is $9 million,
cash on the barrel head.

$9 million?

- It's the going rate
for taking nine lives.

[grapnel g*n shoots and whirs]

narrator:
The Batman dissolves once more

into the darkness, leaving
Vicki Vale standing alone

amidst the bats
and the rats and the ruin.

In the end, will anything else
be left behind?

Perhaps only the ruthless
exchange of life and death

in Gotham City.

♪ ♪

[cheery music]

♪ ♪

all: ♪ WGBO ♪

- What's up,
Gotham insomniacs?

You are!
And that means I am too.

This is the diabolical
Dr. Dulcedone reminding you

that even in the dead
of night, the lights are on

at WGBO in
the Wee Hours Nut House.

It's a solid block
of late night oldies

to keep the party swinging

long after the amateurs
say good night.

Hey, if I'm gonna be up,
you're gonna be up.

And I'm gonna be up
because I don't sleep anymore!

That's right--
it's 26 days and counting

since I have known
a moment's slumber.

Would you be able to sleep
if you knew the Joker

had been in your apartment
while you were gone?

I mean,
what did he do in there?

Why does everything
look so normal?

Is that the joke?
That there is no joke?

I can't take it anymore.

If my landlord is listening,

consider
- apartment 5
- G abandoned.

Keep all my belongings,
Mrs. Fishbed.

I live here now
in this radio booth,

where we're spinning classic
swing and golden oldies

all night long
in the Wee Hours Nut House.

Honestly,
I don't know why I ever slept.

I feel wonderful.

[laughs hysterically]

[screams] Why does
everything look so normal?

all: ♪ WGBO ♪

narrator: Life and death
in Gotham City.

Epilogue.

- You're still very upset
about your coin, aren't you?

- [crying]
I need the coin again.

Again, please.

- Don't you think
you'd like to talk to me

a little more about it?

We don't know!

[crying and screaming]
How are we supposed to know?

- I understand, Harvey.
I understand.

Even the tiniest decision
seems impossible to make now.

This must be a very
scary time for you both.

So much uncertainty,
so much fear.

But I have something here that
can help turn that wretched

existential terror
into something gorgeous--

meaningful--

a purpose.

It's a very special drug,
Harvey.

[sobbing]

- I'm a bit of an artist
with chemistry,

but this stuff--oh, this stuff
is the Sistine Ceiling.

Do you know that moment when
someone is telling a joke,

and you suddenly get it?

Well, take a little of this,

and you'll start
getting jokes nobody told.

That's right.

Let's roll up that sleeve
for me, if you would.

Now, you're gonna
feel a pinprick.

- Ooh!
- There, now, Harvey, relax.

Let JoyCure
put a smile in your brain.

narrator: Life and death
in Gotham City--

to be continued...

[jazz music]