01x01 - The Cry of a Hungry Baby

[bunniefuu]

And now a message

from the National
Entitilitus Foundation.

Hi, I’m Ronnie Dobbs.

By the time you see
this, I will have passed.

The k*ller what
took me is Entitilitus.

No one knows where
Entitilitus comes from,

or what Entitilitus is,

but Entitilitus kills.

So please,

if y’all could sponsor
an Entitilitus volunteer

on the annual
Talk-Backwards-for-One-Day-

to-Raise-Awareness-
about-Entitilitus Day,

I’d greatly appreciate it.

Also, if y’all are
gonna be in a crowd,

y’all wear condoms
on both your ears.

I think it's funny, heh.

Hey, everybody, it’s Bob and David.

 Hey, thank you.

 Thank you.

 Thank you.

Hi, I am Bob Odenkirk.

And I’m David Cross.

Well, America,
you asked for it.

You told HBO--

"We wanna see a sketch show

"hosted by 2 people
we’ve never seen before."

And that’s us! So here we are.

Whatever.
- Now you’re, uh...

You’re probably
asking yourselves--

"What is this show?" Well...

It’s whatever
you want it to be.

Yeah, so, let’s start, um...

We need a suggestion for a show.

Anybody? A suggestion
for a show? Anybody at all?

Yes, sir?

Yeah, I have an idea. Um...

"I have an idea."

What if, for your show,

You guys, um, played...

Beep, beep, beep! Ahh!

Different characters?

Thanks, good.

Great suggestion, moron.

Bob.
- What?

You can’t insult
people like that,

Not right off the bat.

I mean, they don’t
know who we are--

Ok, all right, you’re right.

Well, let’s show them why
HBO gave us this show.

Let’s--let’s knock
’em on their asses.

Yeah!

You brought your
asses, didn’t ya?

Ok.

Let’s do a little a*s-knocking.

You start. All right.

Ok, a little taste. I
will now do a selection

from my one-man show,

Hitler Sings.

♪ When will I be special? ♪

♪ When will I be
someone who’s loved ♪

♪ For me? ♪

♪ If I stumble upon
a me at the door ♪

♪ Will I open it wide ♪

♪ Or close it and look
through the peephole? ♪

♪ I want to be... ♪

Folks, there’s something you
should know about David Cross.

He attended public
schools, and, uh,

He confuses Hitler
with Anne Frank.

David Cross, everyone!

Thank you so much.

Now it’s my turn.

All right.

Now it is my turn.

I would now like to recite

the names of all the states

in 18 seconds.

You’ll time me?

You got it.

Ok, you ready?

I’ll just wait for it
to go back around.

How much time have we got?

Uh, about 55 seconds.

Why don’t you just
start it on the 15?

Go!

Illinois, Indiana...

Ugh...

Wi-Winkechin, uh...

T-T-T-Tassini, uh...

Chim-Cham...

Yeah, got it!
Bob, you did it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Go get ’em!

Look at him go!

All right, folks...

Bob missed his
first day of school,

And he never really caught up,

So he thinks there are
only 5 states, you know,

And that one of them
is named Chim-Cham.

So, it’s--

Yes! Yes!

Yeah, all right!
Way to go, buddy!

Ha, ha, yeah!

Congratulations.

Um, yeah, um...

"Um, yeah, um..."

Um, Bob and David,
I had another idea.

"I had an idea."
Yeah, what is it?

What?

What if, um, instead of
making it up as you went along,

You had a script for the show?

And, um, you did, like,

Tested material?

Ow!

What?

You know what?

You just wrote your
ticket out of here!

That’s right, get him outta
here, and his friend, too!

Ow, hey, I didn’t--
Bye! - Yeah, bye!

I didn’t do nothin’!

Mr. Show? Mr. Blow
is more like it!

Stupid--

I didn’t do sh*t!

Bye.

Wow, Bob and David
have really changed, huh?

Aw, f*ck that.

Who wants to see their
dumb-a*s show, anyway?

I did, but not anymore.

They used to be nice guys,

But now that they
got this Mr. Show,

It’s, like, gone to their head.

Yeah, they think they’re
Ronnie

f*ck’ Dobbs!

Please don’t swear.

Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!

Hey, Stevie!

All right, party time!

Hey, see ya later,

you sack of sh*t!

Boom!

H-H-H-Hey!

Pah-tay time!

What about Ernie?

Shut the f*ck up, man!

You want him to
hear us? All right.

f*ck you, as*h*le!

Wow, he’s really changed.

He used to be a nice guy,

But now he’s kinda mean.

Wow, look at those leaves.

Oh, they’ve really changed.

Hey, a caterpillar.

Oh, he’s really changed.

Now he’s a butterfly,

he thinks he’s so big.

Oh, man, look at
that traffic light!

Oh, wow,

it’s really changed.

Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, Father Jim, how are ya?

A cheese ball!
- Aw!

Geena!
- Hi.

What a beautiful new apartment.

Aw, thanks.

Hey, Father Jim,

You allowed to
drink seltzer water?

After 5 p.m.

Boy, it’s so nice to know

A thoughtful,
progressive priest.

Honey, do you know that he took

the church youth group
to see Forrest Gump?

Did he really?

Yes, well,

I think that Gump
is a role model

For teens and sweetly
Ret*rded people,

And society as a whole.

Well, you know what I say?

Gump for President.

What if that happened?

Oh, my goodness!

Shut up, man. You don’t
know sh*t about d*ck.

Hey, come on.

Sorry, guys.

Gary overheard me
talking about the party,

And I had to pick him up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I’ll bet any of you lame-a*s

m*therf*ckers a cigarette

I can eat all the
butts in this ashtray.

That’s ok, Gary.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Bit of a character.

So, what’s this I hear
about a guitar mass?

Oh, 2 of ’em-- an
acoustic and a heavy metal.

Oh, it’s like Lollapalooza.

Yeah, yeah! Did it!

Pay up. You owe me a cigarette.

All you had to do was ask.

Hey, guess what? I don’t
even smoke, dumb-a*s.

Gary, language?

Sorry, Father.

"Look upon the
corn in the wheat,

For even the
chaff has its place."

Oh, all right, this is it.

You f*ck are
gonna believe it now.

Ok, $20 says

I can balance this glass
on my nose for an hour.

Gary, what are you
doing? That’s their glass.

Oh, man! Thank you very much.

Gary, what are you doing?

I’m the hit of the
party No, you’re not.

Everybody loves
it. No, they don’t.

Alright, Gary, just--

All right.

Gary!

All right, here’s the
bet. Here’s the bet!

If I can eat

All this broken
glass in my hand,

Y’all have to be my
personal sl*ves for a year.

No, get--

Is he eating it

Yeah.

Man.

Oh, look at it.

Stop looking at it!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah, I did it!

I did it!

Now y’all have to be
my personal sl*ves.

Are you ok?

"Sir." "Are you ok, sir."

Now get me a beer, sl*ve.

I’m not your sl*ve!

I never agreed
to your stupid bet.

I’ll get him a beer.

No, Father!

Yes, actually, I
think I’m obliged to.

Gina, Len, Stevie...

Earlier, when he bet us
that he could eat the ashes,

No one agreed to his bet.

But upon succeeding,

He was rewarded-- one cigarette.

No, I just--

In doing so, a
precedent was set--

An implicit agreement
that no direct negative

acknowledges acceptance of his bargain.

Now get me a beer, sl*ve.

Yes, sir.

Here you go.

Ah, good little sl*ve.

All right. Now, let’s talk about a
comedy mass

with you as the M.C.

Wouldn’t that be fun?

Oh, sl*ve, I’m hungry.

I want a banana.

They’re right there.

I’ll--I’ll get one. No--

No, sl*ve.

Pick me up and carry me there.

Father, don’t.

Really, I must.

Gary--

"For the Samaritan
must fulfill his duty."

Now, what about a puppet
mass for the kids, the little ones?

Oh, sl*ve, put me down.

I’m kind of bored
right now, sl*ve.

I wanna be entertained.

Entertain me with this banana.

No.

It’ll just be a moment.

No.

No, sl*ve.

sl*ve, not like that.

I want you to take that banana

and stick it in your butt crack.

Gary!

And...

Tell everyone you were
born out of Satan’s a*s.

Oh, please don’t
make me do that.

Hey, come on, say the words!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I was born out of Satan’s a*s.

Do a dance. Jig it up.

Do a jig.

♪ I was born out
of Satan’s a*s ♪

♪ I was born out
of Satan’s a*s ♪

Strip naked.

♪ I was-- ♪

Strip naked, sl*ve.

Oh, sl*ve, strip naked.
- What happened to your voice?

Oh, f*ck!

What’s so funny?

We had this great idea a
couple of weeks ago to make

you agree to be his
personal sl*ve for one year.

We got the whole thing
on video. Look up there.

Let’s watch it. Come on.

Well, can I take the banana out?

Guess
I should be upset.

But when life gives me lemons...

I make lemonade.

If I ask for a glass of water and
somebody hands me a glassful of sand,

I turn it over, make a sandcastle,
and pretend I’m the king.

If somebody throws a rock at my head,

I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and

that I was once a sailor and
ran a sweatshop in Singapore.

I’m not too proud of that
time in my imaginary life, but...

I’m comforted in the
knowledge that my friends,

who made me stick a banana
in my crack,

feel even worse.

Strip naked, sl*ve! Strip naked!

Aww.

Oh, man, that’s great.

Whoo! What else you got, man?

Ahh, let’s see.

"2 murders,"

"Faces of people crying,"

"Defective cribs"?

"Faces of confused elderly."

Oh, check this one out.

"Convenience store
security cam 5."

All right, so I just
put the wax on.

And then rip the
hair right out, huh?

All right.

You know best.

Why don’t you take a
picture? It’ll last longer.

Jagoff!

I just need change for $1.

I just need quarters, I--

I-I’ll just go
across the street.

Next.

W-What was all that
about? Are you closed?

I was on my break.

OK. I just need change for $1.

Change for $1? Yeah.

Hmm...

Quarters, mostly.

Quarters? You want
quarters? Hmm...

Let me think. Doo, doo, doo...

Change, change, change,
change, change, change...

Ch-ch-ch change,
change, change...

Tell you what.

I’m gonna have to ask my boss.

OK.

Oh, what did he say?

I went the wrong way.

What the hell do you
mean, you’re taking it away?

Yesterday, I was the
world’s greatest grandpa,

Today, I’m not?

Well, I’ve used the mug already.

I-- Hold on.

What? What is it, Pete?

Um, there’s a man out front

who wants to know if
he can get change for $1.

Change?

Yeah, um, quarters, mostly.

I’m gonna have to call you back.

I got a situation here--

Huh? Hello?

They hung up.

Change?

Yeah, for $1.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Well...

Uh...

I’m gonna have to call Albany.

Yo?

Mr. Spivey, please.

Hey, Danny. What’s
up? I’m in a hurry.

I got a fella here who
wants change for $1.

Whew, change for $1. Um...

Wow, uh...

Ohhh...

No, no, no, no!

Change, all right,

Lemme think... Buh,
bah, bah, bah, bah...

Uh...

♪ Ahh ♪

Change, all right, all right,

I’ll tell you what, Danny...

I’m gonna have
to call the big guy.

All right.

g*dd*mn it.

Damn it!

What is it? I’m on vacation.

I’m sorry, sir,

but there’s a man
in our Worcester store

who wants change for $1.

Oh, OK, all right, I’m
sorry I snapped at you.

Change, huh?

For $1.

Damn it, it’s too
late to fly back.

All right, I have
to think. Uh...

Phil, one second.

Oh, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta...

Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta...

Whoo!

OK, uh...

I’m gonna have to
call you back, all right?

President of the United States.

Shithead, it’s Kyle.

Dumb-f*ck, how’s the golf?

Stop needling me, you prick.

Look, some a*s-wipe
at my Worcester store

wants change for
$1. What should I do?

Hmm...

No.
- No?

Tell him no.
- Thanks, as*h*le.

And f*ck you.

No.

No. Yes.

McGinty’s, open 4 days--

No. Tell him no.

All right, no.

No. Tell him no.

All right.

No.

OK.

I’m sorry, they
didn’t have any.

Well, did you ask for
quarters, mostly quarters?

I did. "Quarters
mostly," I said.

Well, I mean, did you
check with the manager?

I did. The guy checked.

He called someone.

That don’t do me
no good, though.

I--I ain’t got no
quarters anymore.

Ronnie?

Terry?

I remember the
first time I met Ronnie Dobbs.

At the time, I was a cameraman

For a popular TV show
about the coppers.

♪ Naughty boys, naughty boys ♪

A lot of times, you get
there, and they’re drunk...

It’s the 3rd time we’ve
been here this week.

It’s like arresting a
couple of 9-year-olds.

She’s a professional
lie-ologist.

Yeah, that’s great.

Well, you be a professional,
and move back 2 feet.

Now, what’s going on here?

I gave him money to
go to the Food Circus,

and get some
macaroni and cheese.

So what did he do?

Lyin’ b*tch!
- He goes drinking again.

Lyin’ b*tch!
- Did he hit you?

Hold on, did he hit you?

Here it goes!
- Did he hit you?

He was about to--

But did he?

How do you feel about that?

Those are my plates!

Nothing
remarkable, really.

But then, 3 weeks later

and hundreds of miles away...

That’s that Ronnie guy...

That Ronnie Dobbs guy again.

That’s all behind
me. I’m cleaned up--

Please calm down.

I’m cleaned up, and I’m--

What’s that?

Oh, Ronnie. Oh, Ronnie.

Let me explain it, OK?

Why
is it in your pocket?

I was standing here,
minding my own business,

Doin’ my work, and
a man came up to me

With a scar, he
had a big ol’ scar,

And he came up to
me, and he was like--

"Hey, man." He put that
in my pants and said--

"Hold on to this for me."

I was like, "What’s
all that about?"

And he ran off
before I could see.

He had a scar,
and-- there he goes!

There goes the
perpetrator, officer!

Get in the car.
- You can catch him now!

You are so stupid,
Ronnie. You are so stupid.

I hope you’re happy, b*tch.
You stupid, dumb-a*s b*tch.

Hey, y’all forgot
y’all’s cameraman.


later, another city...

We got him.

An increasingly familiar face.

There he is, I got him!

Y’all’s unfair. Y’all’s unfair.

What’s this white stuff?

I was bakin’ for my mama!

Ronwell Quincy Dobbs
was like a magnet for police--

a drunken, loud magnet.

It was an innocent arm!

OK, I’m sure it was, fellas.

I put together a tape
of Ronnie’s finest moments

and shopped it round Hollywood.

A hungry producer
convinced Ronnie

to get arrested
exclusively for us,

in a scene which
the network deemed

"not funny enough for you."

Hence, this montage.

Don’t make me sh**t you, sir.
Come on down.

Don’t make me sh**t you.

Ronnie was a
natural-born drunk.

Man’s best friend is a
dog, and this is my dog,

and I made my best
friend a sweater.

He never needed a 2nd take,

and he soon got himself arrested

in every state in the Union.

Come on.

All I want’s--

We had to take him
out of the country.

I can’t even understand
what you’re saying!

Speak English, m*therf*cker!

After that, the only place
left was outer space.

We have
one Ronnie Dobbs...

Y’all get off me!

Ronnie’s face was everywhere,

and his name on
everyone’s lips.

Trick or treat.

But, Ronnie,

weren’t you actually going
to do a special where...

Y’all are brutalizing
me! Police brutality!

♪ Ronnie Dobbs, Ronnie Dobbs ♪

♪ Ronnie Dobbs, Ronnie Dobbs ♪

He’s guilty, yeah,
but he knows it.

I mean, we’re guilty,
you don’t know it.

So, you know,

who’s really in jail? You know?

Ronnie got himself
a new Hollywood house,

and a new Hollywood wife,

and then Ronnie forgot
what got him there.

How y’all doin’?
Y’all know Rhonda?

Yes, we do. Hi, Ronnie.
How are you today?

Arrest me, officer.

For what?

What did you do?
What’s goin’ on?

Wh...

I’m not wearin’ a shirt!

So...

f*ck you, pigs!

That’s very funny,
Ronnie. Um...

Would you mind signing
this for my nephew, Neil?

I would really appreciate it.

Ronnie
couldn’t get arrested

in this town or any other town,

and I intended to find out why.

Ronnie?

Ronnie?

Ronnie!

Ronwell!

Ronnie!

Terry.

I thought you was in Hawaii.

A lot of people think a
lot of things about Hawaii.

Ronnie, I’m going to
put it to you bluntly--

how long have you
been not drinking?

Terry, I drink all the time!

You know me. Come on!

No, you come on,
Ronnie! What’s in this?

Terry, come on,
that’s my cocaine.

Bullshit, Ronnie.

It’s f*cking baking soda!

Ronnie, I’m going
to read you a letter

I received the other day.

Terry, I--

"Dear Mr. Dobbs,
my name is Lamar.

"I am 8 years old. I
am your biggest fan.

"How come you are
not so drunk anymore?

"What’s wrong? Are you sick?

"My daddy says you
were never really drunk,

"but just a Hollywood phony.

"I told him he was wrong,
and he beat the sh*t out of me.

"Love, Lamar.

"P.S. Please start
drinking again soon."

Ronnie, I’ve got 12 sacks
of these back at my office.

Look in the mirror.

What do you see?

A monster!

But I don’t care!

I don’t care! People don’t
know how hard it is, Terry.

They don’t know what it takes

to put on these little shows.

I mean, Jesus, Bob,

look at our working conditions.

I mean, f*ck, HBO spent
more money on Fraggle Rock.

Look at this place.

You know, this is
supposed to be a mansion?

Look at this. Did Steve and Eydie
have a yard sale or something?

Look at this.

We’re performing in a
restaurant, for Christ’s sake.

Here, show ’em. Here.

Look at that. Look
at this, everybody.

There it is, right there.

"Wingdings and Things. $3.50."

Isnt the reason we’re down here

and living in this shitty city

because there’s
studios everywhere?

OK, good, all right.

You know, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, Terry,

but Ronnie Dobbs has to do

what’s best for Ronnie Dobbs.

And if that means drying
out with Kelsey Grammer,

then so be it.

You know what you are, Terry?

British?

You’re an enabler!

You are an enabler!

Now, get out of my house!

Yeah, go on and
leave, you British frog!

We parted
ways, and I was at a loss

as to how I would make
more money off Ronnie.

And then, a stroke
of luck-- he died!

And I sold his life
story to the movies.

Ronnie?

Ronnie Dobbs? Is that you?

Terry...

Ronnie, I can’t believe this.

It is you!

How far we’ve fallen!

Oh, we can still do it, Ronnie--

you and I, together. Come on,

we’ll buy a bottle
of cheap wine,

we’ll raise a ruckus--

Terry, no!

I did not want to have
to reveal this to you, but--

What’s this? A doctor’s note?

You’re dying!

I’m dying.

I’ve got entitilitus!

Damn this entitilitus!

How serious is it?

They say I could
go at any minute.

Oh!

No, no,

I’m all right, I’m all right.
- I’ve got you.

Oh!

Actually, no, wait--

Oh, oh, God!

Oh.

Ronnie?

Ronnie!

Ronnie!

My scream went on for 2 hours,

and I set a new world
record for screaming.

I received a letter
from the President,

and a baked carrot from the
Society for Unpleasant Gifts.

I opened a screaming
school in upstate New York--

and time!

Really?

Yeah, the lady said 30 minutes.

All right, let’s check.

Oh, my goodness.

Aw!

Oh, yay!

Hey, guys, come on out!

Yeah, check this out. Check it out.

Hey,

the pants worked.

Aw!

Man, those pants!

The pants worked.

Tonight’s show was brought to you

by O’Henderson’s Incubation Pants.

Dark, warm, with plenty of "egg room."