01x02 - What to Think

[bunniefuu]

And, uh, that's the
shinola on that one.

All right,
now I would like

to address this
arts funding issue.

Now, this all reminds
me of a humorous story

of the traveling salesman.

Let's say that the
taxpayer is a farmer,

and the government
is a salesman.

Well, the farmer says,
"you can spend the night

"in my barn,
but do me a favor--

"don't stick your willy
into any of the 3 holes

"in the wall."

Well, in this case,
the salesman's willy

represents the taxpayer's
money, you understand.

Well, the government,
like the salesman,

can't help himself.

Sticks his willy
in the first hole,

it feels good.

Sticks his willy
in the 2nd hole,

it feels even better.

Sticks his willy
in the 3rd hole,

and it hurts like hell,
and it won't let go !

Well, in the mornin',
the farmer comes out
and he explains--

"behind the first
hole was my wife,

"behind the 2nd
hole was my daughter,

"and behind the 3rd hole
was the milking machine

"that don't let go until
it gets 50 gallons!"

Gentleman, I propose
that this arts funding

is like a milking machine,
and unless we shut it down,

it's going to rip
our dicks right off!

Tonight's show
is brought to you

by the new U.S. government,

improving the arts by
severely limiting them.

Hey, everybody,

here's Bob
and David!

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you
very much.

Yes. Hello.
Yes.

Thank you.
I am Bob odenkirk.

Welcome to
Mr. Show.

My cohost, David cross,
is over there, off-stage.

Hey!

Ok, now,
David refuses

to do the show, so--

Bob, tell 'em.
Tell 'em why
I can't do it.

Ok, as part of a
new government program,

certain artists have
been assigned senators

to monitor them.

They made me wear
this tracking collar.

If David steps
on a stage,

it produces a low-level
electrical shock.

It's not low-level.
It really hurts.

Well, you know, look,
obviously the show

isn't that important to you.

So instead,
I will be doing

my a cappella version
of the rock opera Tommy.

♪ Tommy, look at me,
Tommy, over here ♪

All right, all
right, I'll do it!

I'll do it, Bob!

All right, he's
going to do it.

Come on, come on.

You can do
it, David.

Come on, it doesn't
hurt that much.

Don't you want it?

You gotta want it.

Ow! Ow!
All right.

Ok, let's start
with the baseball sketch.

All righty,

here you go.

Ow!

Ok, well, it's a
beautiful day here

at the old ballpark.

Here comes a vendor.

Peanuts and
cr*cker Jacks.

Jesus, Bob,
it hurts.

Let's see, I'll have
some, uh-- oh, my god.

David, David, it's me,
sen. Tankerbell.

Senator, please--
the collar, please.

Oh, hold it, let me
get that for you .

Uh, there, that
should take care of it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, you know, you're
supposed to tell me

before you get on a stage.

Yeah, sir, I'm sorry,

I thought you
were out of town.

I thought you were gonna be--

well, I am.
I'm very busy.

With all you artists,
I'm busier than

a high-priced wh*re at
an electronics convention.

Right now, I'm in
valdosta, Georgia,

for the annual folk
festival and jelly off.

I'm supposed to be
judging art, etc.

Who are you? What
are you on about?

Come on.

Well, I'm old swerdlow.

And this is the ozark
mountain tradition

of song storying.

I'll decide what
it's called, old.

Just make with the art.

Well, all righty.

Let's get limber
legs on up there.

♪ Ol' limber legs went walkin'
down to ol' Miller's creek ♪

♪ and when he saw
that big ol' cow

♪ he jumped back
in the sink ♪

All right, now, stop
that, old. Stop it.

I'm very sorry you
had to see this, folks.

Now, uh, old,

Mr. Limber legs ain't
wearin' no clothes.

I find myself to be
aroused and titillated
by all of this.

Well, senator,
this is a tradition

as old as a
Georgia sunset.

Shut up!
Shut up, old.

David, do you see what
I have to contend with?

I've got a naked puppet
doing a lewd, lascivious

fandango on the lap
of a full-grown man.

I got women over
here, dippin' candles.

A fella over there,
he's got a butter churn.

It's like a pioneer
porn shop in here.

Close 'em down,
boys. Close 'em down!

Senator, you're getting
a little right of center--

no, that's my
limber legs.

David, tell me
about your show.

Well, sir, it's called,
uh, hurray for america,

it's a comedy show.

It's a--

oh, comedy, then
there's jokes, huh?

Yeah, just jokes,
we talk about america

and its greatness, you know.

I wish you
could see it.

Oh, I wish I could
see it, too, David.

I wish I could be everywhere
that people are doing art ,

so that I could see it
before the public sees it.

And I could keep them from
being titillated or aroused

or in any way confused

by the counterculture.

I wish. But I'm
just one senator.

I wish.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

"'I wish. I wish.'

"and the senator
wished so hard

"that he grew
magical wings, and--"

honey, I think he's asleep.

Look at him.

Precious old man.

You know, these
books for seniors

really do the trick--

colorful drawings,
big printing,

and all their
favorite characters--

senator tankerbell,

the magical
right-wing senator,

zim and zam,

the pro golfers
in outer space,

bibley, the little Bible,

and his undersea
adventure.

They're all here

in this wonderful
series of books.

Order now.

Now available in
easy-to-swallow caplets.

You're watching
the what to think network.

Well, thank you for
joining us today, penny,

and I'll see you at
the Dallas joy-athon.

And thank you for tuning
in to good news today.

You know, if you
watch us tomorrow,

we'll be visiting
with Burton quimm,

the leader of overcome,

an organization
that helps men and women

renounce the sin
of h*m*.

If you remember,
Burton was first with us

in 1982 as a
college student,

when he founded overcome.

Part of the g*y
conspiracy is recruitment,

active recruitment on campus.

They tell people
it's all right

to be a h*m*.

And I stupidly
got caught up

in their propaganda,
and now I know

that I was just
a confused heterosexual,

and...

I'm really who
god wants me to be.

We'll hear about
Burton's slip

into temptation

as he was misled
by the unrelenting

h*m* cabal.

Troy, put that g*dd*mn
camera down and join us!

This is about fun!

Come on, get it, girl.

You know what you love!

Whoo-hoo!

Ohh!

Get off!

Hey, h*!

Hey, h*!

Yeah! Get in here!

And we'll reminisce
about his glorious

return to the
fold at overcome.

I thought I was happy,
but I was miserable.

Now I have a wife...

Let's see a look.

Ok.

And that's me,
and that's her.

She's handsome.

Mm-hmm, and we're
working on a family now.

Really are, very hard,
working very hard on that.

This is the real me
you're looking at.

That's good news.

Now I just want
to help others.

I just want to help.

Then he'll tell
us about his 2nd

terrible lapse

into h*m*-sinuality...

I love all of you.

And about his
triumphant

re-return
to the fold.

It's an aberration.

Believe me,
it's not normal.

You're making
a choice.

Tell them.
Tell them.

You're mak--
You're making a choice.

A terrible,
terrible choice.

We're here for you.

Overcome.

Burton will tell us

about his most
recent lapse,

and the lapse he has
planned for August,

which should take
him to Rio de Janeiro.

It'll be a glorifying
hour of witness.

I hope you'll join us.
I'm Dr. Rudy Moore.

Now stay tuned for
the Bible machine.

Bible machine,

with your host,
Dr. Don Olemite.

Last year, a lost chapter
of the Dead Sea Scrolls

was unearthed,
and perhaps the most

exciting find
was information on

a 13th apostle.

Now known as the
overlooked apostle,

his name was Marshall,
and he was considered

by many to be the
premier hypnotist in Galilee.

The Book of Marshall,

entitled,
Power, Profit and Passion

has shed new light

on some of the
best-loved Bible stories.

Blessed are the
poor in spirit,

for theirs is the
kingdom of heaven.

Jesus.

Blessed are
those who mourn,

for they shall
be comforted.

Jesus.

Blessed are the meek,

for they shall
inherit the earth.

Jesus.
What is it, Marshall?

Jesus, what if I told you
that the meek could inherit

something a whole lot
better than the earth?

What if I told
you that by simply

applying my
theories of positivity

and corrective thinking,

that the meek could
inherit the will

to do whatever they wanted
in their wildest dreams?

This is good news,
brother Marshall,

we shall
discuss it later.

Jesus, you pray
a lot, right?

How many times, when
you're at home alone,

do you say to yourself--

"I wish I lived in
a nice house,

I wish
I had nice things,

"I wish I could lose
those last 20 pounds"?

Marshall, I'm not
interested

in
things material.

Jesus, I used
to be like you--

dirty, smelly, thinking
I was the son of god.

Excuse us one second.

Marshall, I am
the son of god.

And I'm not smelly, either.
Well...

Marshall was famous for
his after-prayer seminars,

which encouraged
the other apostles

to keep their
feet on the ground

and keep reaching
for the stars.

Marshall, go
amongst them,

and feed them from
these 5 loaves and fishes.

By a miracle of faith,
they will all be fed.

All ye humble
of the earth,

step up and
claim your fish.

Only 12 drachmas apiece.

No, Marshall, don't
charge them anything.

The fish are free,
they are a gift from God.

All right, I'll tell
you what I'm going to do.

If you act now, ok,
the fish and a loaf--



No, Marshall, just
give them the fish.

Ok, Jesus, you
got my back up

against the wall
on this one,

but here's the deal.

If you act now,
a fish and a loaf,

and I'll throw
in this miraculous

unleavened bread leavenator.

No, don't applaud
for him.

No, no,
you're fools.

Marshall was also present

at the tomb of Lazarus.

Arise--

Jesus, let me try.

Lazarus, what
if I told you

that only
losers die,

and the only thing preventing your
resurrection is you?

That's it, Marshall,
I'm letting you go.

Jesus, I'm not only a
certified life changer,

but I am also,
now, a memory expert.

What am I
thinking of, Jesus?

This is good news,
Marshall,

please
leave your sandals

with Sheila on
the way out.

We can now read, perhaps,
the most moving passage

in Marshall's writings--

"The Long Night of Doubt."

God, if you are
there, show me a sign.

Be active, not reactive.

Marshall,

listen carefully to my word.

Leave everybody alone.

God, ask yourself,
are you happy

settling for omnipotence?

Power, Profit, and Passion.

Offer limited to God
and God-like deities.

"Get very excited
and speak in tongues."

Uh, Bob, actually,
that's a stage direction.

I think you're
supposed to, you know,

get all excited and
"bla-la-la,"

speak in tongues, like that
Oh!

That'll be fun.

That's ok.
A mistake.

Take 2.

"Offer limited to God
and God-like deities."

Bingo! That was
the one, Bobby!

That was great.

Alright now, let's knock
these other ones out,

voice-over king, before
we go to lunch, ok?

All right.

"To win, you must be 18
and come in first place."

Great. Moving on.

"Offer expires...Now."

Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah. Next.

"Not to be confused
with the disease cancer."

Zip-a-Dee-ay. Moving on.

"Harber's memory loss
clinic, established in 1952,

"1967, and for the
first time, in 1981."

That was a goody.
We're moving on.

We're gonna do
that disclaimer

about the John tesh
album. You got that?

Ok.

Should be
on the page.

Sure.
Ok?

"Not suitable for
any living thing."

They mean it, too. That
red rocks thing is awful.

Moving on.
Moving on.

"Mr. Pickle's fun-time
ab*rtion clinics--

"we'll bring out
the kid in ya."

I smell lunch.

One more and we're
out of here, baby doll.

All right.

"Globo-chem, we own everything
so you don't have to!"

Gentlemen, this isn't
going to work anymore.

Globo-chem owns


and your company
distributes 1,945

different products.

Globo-Chem produces 83
new products per minute.

But there's a problem.

People don't like
Globo-Chem and its



The perception is
that this company

is a monster.
A beast.

A cold, heartless,
smelly behemoth.

Run by a
greedy, fat...

Fatheaded
fatty pants!

A fatso!

Who do you
think you are?

This company cares!

We were in the
people business

when you were
in short pants.

My great-great-
great-grandfather

started this company
with one single, rickety,

leaky, hand-crafted
sl*ve ship...

And a simple motto--

"people selling
people to people."

So don't tell
me that I'm fat!

Did--did we
offend you?

Good.

Now we have
your attention,

and we have to
win you over.

Just like you have
to win consumers.

Continue.

Cute, friendly,
loveable--


But you know who is?

Pit Pat, Globo-Chem's
new mascot!

Pit Pat--
a magical, pansexual,

non-threatening
spokesthing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we present new ad
campaigns for 3 of your...


products.

Watch.

Bags, bags, bags!

It always seems
like you've got

too many bags!

Help me!

You can't just
throw 'em away.

Now there's new Bag Hutch.

Bag Hutch is specially
made for bags,

and holds up to 12 bags!

Honey, where are
all the bags?

In the Bag Hutch.

No sh*t!

Bag Hutch, by Flix,

a division of Globo-Chem.

Take it from me,
I love you!

Did you see him?
It's Pit Pat.

Oh, goodness,
isn't he great?

Here, watch
another one.

We went to a real
Ding Dong Burgers to ask

real Ding Dong Burger eaters
what they think of the new

Ding Dong, King Kong,
Sing Song Burger.

It's great!

It's so big.
It's f*cking great.

How about you folks?

Yeah.

I can feed the whole
family for under $20.

And with the
price of beef

going through
the f*cking roof,

that's a deal.

Fellas?

This c*cksucker dragged me
down here, I don't know.

Just eat the
f*cking thing!

f*ck you, as*h*le!

f*ck, this little
m*therf*cker's tasty.

I told your
f*cking a*s.

Ding Dong Burgers,

a Globo-Chem company.

Take it from me,
I love you!

See?
He loves you.

What about
the swearing?

Oh, well, here,
there's one more.

g*dd*mn it.

sh*t.

f*ck.

a*s.

sh*t.

Mother...

c*ck...

f*ck!

f*ck-f*ck-f*ck.

Techcorp Systems,

another helpful
Globo-Chem company.

Take it from me,
I love you.

Pit Pat!

Hello!

Oh!

Ok, we have plans

for an animated
children's program,

a breakfast cereal,
a line of clothing,

a video game--

Excuse me,
excuse me.

You still haven't
answered the question--

The swearing, what
about the swearing?

Please, let's
stick to one subject.

Ok, Pit Pat is
a magical pixie

who can fly around--

wait, you can't have
all that swearing,

it's offensive.

Look, lady, I
don't come down

to where you work and slap
the d*ck out of your mouth.

That's it!
You're right, that's it.

That's the new slogan
for gramma Betsy's

Biscuit Powder!

The world of the future
is much cruder than

the world of today.

In 1994, you couldn't
say the word

"b*tch" or "as*h*le"
on TV, now it's ok.

Where do you think we'll
be in the year 2000?

Are you interested
in staying

on the cutting edge?

What happened to
Gramma Betsy?

She looks like a man.

She is a man.

The fastest growing
segment of our population

are transsexuals.

They buy and
spend for 2.

Look, the world
is changing.

It's becoming increasingly
difficult to insult people

and thereby get
their attention.

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Change."
"Oh, come on in."

Oh, I see you brought
Globo-Chem with you.

Really? I thought
that company was run

by a greedy, fat,
fatheaded fatty fat!

A fat f*ck!

Is it?
Is it?

He's dead.

Good.
That's what you wanted?

Yupperino.
Good job, guys.

All right.
It's what we do.

Did I k*ll you?

Good, I got
your attention.

Hello, I'm David Cross,
from television's Mr. Show.

You know, there are
advertising agencies like these

all over America, whose
job it is to lie to you.

Don't buy into it.

In fact, don't
buy anything, ever.

You don't need to.

You can make whatever
you want at home

out of hemp.

Hemp is an all-purpose--
see, the government

doesn't want you
to know this,

but you can
make rope, mayonnaise--

David, what the
hell am I watching?

Sen. Tankerbell,
is that you?

Up here, David.
I've been magically

transformed into
a twinkling light.

Oh, boy.

"Oh, boy" is right.
This show is over.

No, senator,
please, come on--

No, shut your
pie hole.

Oh!

David, why can't you
do a show with merit?

Something with
family values?

Oh, I would if
I could. But...

Oh, darn this
counterculture.

It's got me all bugaboo.

That's what they do--

confuse the youth.

It reminds me of
a humorous story.

See, the counterculture is
like a traveling salesman,

and the youth is
like a farmer. Well--

Hey, hey, hey,
wait a second, senator,

you just gave me an idea.
W-what?

I'm going to work with
you, not against you.

Heh, I got an idea for a
show that's going to knock

your socks on your a*s.

All right.

Come on, g*ng!

Ladies and gentlemen,

home box office,

in conjunction
with the U.S. senate,

presents a house of
representatives production.

Live from the Globo-Chem
Center For the Performing Arts,

The Joke-- The Musical.

Oh, hello.

My, it's been a
hot summer here

in Gallagher's corners.

Good of you to
all come down.

Well, let's see.

It happened exactly
one year ago today.

Seems a salesman's
car had broken down

over by Gallagher's
creek, and he was looking

for a place to
spend the night.

♪ Where do I go now? ♪

♪ My car has broken down ♪

♪ I'm selling leather
pants in the Ozarks ♪

♪ Where do I go now? ♪

A farmhouse!

♪ This is the knocking song,
I'm knocking on a door ♪

♪ Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knock, knock ♪

♪ Knock forevermore ♪

♪ Knockity knock-knock-- ♪

Stop that infernal
knocking song!

Yes, sir, uh, I'm
sorry. My car broke down.

Might I spend
the night?

Yes, you can.

♪ Step this way,
right this way ♪

♪ See my house ♪

♪ That's my house, but you
shall not stay in my house ♪

♪ You shall stay
in the barn ♪

♪ The barn ♪

♪ But adhere to
this simple rule ♪

♪ Hey, don't stick your
d*ck in these holes ♪

♪ Don't stick your
d*ck in these holes ♪

♪ These holes 3 ♪

♪ Are not for thee ♪

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.
Thank you.

That won't
be a problem.

I'm afraid all I
can offer in payment

are these
leather pants.

Leather pants.

Well, I suppose I could
give them to my g*y son.

Very good.

Thank you. Good night
to you and yours.

Well, that worked
out quite nicely.

What a kindly
old farmer.

Good night, moo cow.

Good night, hay.

Good night...

Holes.

♪ Do it, do it,
do it ♪

♪ Do it, do it,
do it ♪

♪ Do it, do it,
do it, ♪

♪ You know you
wanna do it ♪

♪ Come on, Mr. Salesman,
what do you say? ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ He told me
that I could not ♪

♪ He told me
that I should not ♪

♪ What would
the farmer say? ♪

♪ And what about
the moo cow? ♪

♪ And what
about the hay? ♪

Boo-yah!

♪ Good God, man,
you're weak ♪

♪ You're a worm
with no will ♪

♪ Be bold, son,
no one's watching ♪

♪ Show some spine,
have your fill ♪

♪ What magic lies
in wait for you ♪

♪ What miracles in store ♪

♪ Could heaven be
on the other side? ♪

♪ Come, open the door ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ You know you wanna do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

No!

♪ I am just a
simple man ♪

♪ I sell leather pants ♪

♪ But now I'm torn
by my conscience ♪

♪ I sell leather pants ♪

♪ The kindly farmer said no ♪

♪ But I want to do it so ♪

♪ Should I stick my d*ck, ♪

♪ in these holes? ♪

♪ I think I'll stick my
d*ck in these holes ♪

Yeah!

♪ Number 1 feels good ♪
Oh, yeah!

♪ You finally
feel alive ♪

♪ Go on, now,
try number 2 ♪

♪ That one
makes you thrive ♪

♪ Now it's time
for number 3 ♪

♪ The best
of the lot ♪

♪ With number 3,
you'll make history ♪

♪ Come on, give
it all you got ♪

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my god!

He's still alive!
I told you not to!

I'm sorry, I couldn't
help it.

The first
two felt so good--

each one better
than before,

but this 3rd hole
is k*lling me.

What's in these holes?
What's in these holes?

♪ You don't
deserve an answer ♪

♪ But I'll give
one anyway ♪

♪ Behind the first
hole was my wife ♪

♪ That is where
she stays ♪

♪ The 2nd was
my daughter ♪

♪ Young and
supple like a fawn ♪

♪ The 3rd hole was
a milking machine ♪

♪ That doesn't quit ♪
No. No.

♪ Until 50 gallons
are withdrawn ♪

No!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Withdrawn ♪

No.
♪ Withdrawn ♪

No!

♪ Oh, God ♪

♪ I'm dying ♪

♪ Knocking at heaven's ♪

♪ Door ♪

♪ Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knock, knock ♪

♪ Knock forevermore, hey ♪

♪ I'm the hated ♪

♪ Milk machine ♪

♪ Everybody hates me now ♪

♪ For doing
what I'm told ♪

♪ He was trying
to be bold ♪

♪ Why can't people
keep their willies ♪

♪ Out of holes? ♪

♪ Where do I go now? ♪

♪ Where do I go now? ♪

♪ This is ♪

♪ My knocking song ♪

♪ And days ♪

♪ Of auld lang syne ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪

♪ be forgot ♪

♪ and never ♪

♪ brought to mind? ♪

♪ Should Auld Acquaintance-- ♪

Good show, everybody.

Senator!

It was funny,
and it taught us

all an important
lesson about holes.

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

Our director!

Our director!

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

♪ my dear ♪

♪ oh, days ♪

♪ of auld lang syne ♪

♪ we'll rock n' roll ♪

♪ a little more... ♪

♪ Knockity knock,
knock, knock, knock ♪

♪ knockity knock,
knock, knock ♪

There you go,
treat yourself.