01x03 - We Regret to Inform You

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody,
it's Bob and David!

Dear David cross,

my name is Bob odenkirk.

Although we have never met,

I would like to do
a TV show with you.

Please respond.
Signed, a stranger.

Dear David cross,

obviously, you don't
take me very seriously.

Have I offended you?

You big fairy.

Now have I
offended you?

Let me know.
Bob odenkirk.

Dear Globo-Chem,

I recently had an
unpleasant experience

with a package
of creamy doodles.

Please send me as many
free products as possible.

Love, David cross.

Dear David "Never Writes Back
And Now He's A Dead Man" Cross,

how does it feel
to be a dead man?

Praying to God won't help.

Your k*ller, Bob Odenkirk.

Hey, Bob,
what's up?

Oh, hey there, Tom.

Say, could you
do me a favor?

I haven't had a chance
to mail these letters.

They've been
piling up.

Could you, uh--

could you take care
of that for me?

Yeah, no
problem.

Oh, thank
you very much.

Oh, boy!

Dear Globo-Chem,

somebody is
trying to k*ll me!

Please send me as many
free products as possible.

Love, David Cross.

f*ck. Hey!

Bring it on in.

All righty.

Mail-order bride, huh?

Oh, sure. How
ugly could she be?

Oh, yeah!
Hello!

Hotsy mama!

Whoo!

Well, welcome
to Mr. Show.

I'm Bob Odenkirk.

And I'm
David Cross.

All right!

Ok.

Now, uh, David,

what do you say we start
with the carnival sketch?

Ok!

All right.

This doesn't
seem very fair.

Kisses!
Kisses!



Get your kisses!

Hey, h*m*, how
'bout a kiss?

I-I'm not g*y.

Oh, yeah?
Prove it!

What, by kissing you?

Sure! If you can kiss
me and not get aroused,

that means you're not g*y.

Oh, I guess.

There! See?

You call that a
kiss, you big queen?

How about some tongue?

Uh, no way!

Well, a real man

who's confident in
his heterosexuality

wouldn't let that
bother him a bit.

He'd french like
there's no tomorrow!

I don't know.

Hey, everybody,
look at the big girl!

Where's your
purse, ma'am?

Shut up! Ok!

All right, and take
the dress off, too.

I want a feel,
while I'm at it.

Hey, stop it!
Man, this is wrong!

I can't believe this,
Bob. I'm sorry, lady.

You know, geez!

Bob, I could've
done this part.

I don't know, David,
I just didn't think

you found the character's voice.

What character?
She's playing me.

Oh, I know what
this is about.

It's about the kiss.

Bob, men can kiss.

Men can get married.

I mean, they even
have a pill now

that lets men make
love to each other.

Here, watch this.

It's called a
g*y porno film.

Geez, honey, I didn't
think you'd be pissed.

This is our honeymoon.

It's about us, our
new life together.

Yeah, well,
our new life

is just an extension of
the lives we were leading.

I mean...
Come on, I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Jerry.

Great, man, they don't
have Sega Genesis on board,

only Nintendo.

Oh, it doesn't matter,

I'm just so glad to
be here with you guys.

I love you
both, I really do.

I love you, man.

I love you, Jerry.

Aw!

Yeah.
- Oh, sweetie.

I love you.
- Oh, hmm. "I do."

"Oh, I do, too."
"Wait, no,

I do even more."

That's you guys at
the wedding today.

Ah, Jesus!

Ah, that sh*t
was hilarious.

Ah...ooh!

God, I gotta
take a crap!

Ooh. Todd, hand
me that Hustler.

Thanks a lot, man.

Sure, buddy.

You know, I thought
this was going to be ok,

but it's not,
it's not ok.

Oh, well, don't
worry, honey.

You'll get used to it.
Even sailors get sick

the first few hours out.

No!
It's just the boat--

it's Jerry!

I don't understand
why he's here.

Didn't it ever occur to you

that his presence
might be intrusive...

Not to mention unnecessary?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Since when are
friends necessary?

That's kind of a
shitty thing to say.

No! He shouldn't be here,

he's like
a 3rd wheel.

♪ Legend, a legend ♪

♪ The 3rd wheel legend ♪

♪ Always in the way ♪

What do you mean, calling
Jerry a 3rd wheel?

He's my friend, he's
your friend, too.

He says nothing but
good things about you.

I don't care.
This is weird.

How are we gonna
make love tonight

with him in the room?

Are you serious?
Jerry, get in here!

Hey, buddy, I'm
gettin' laid tonight!

Oh, man, that's great!
Yeah!

Oh, god, we gotta
celebrate.

I'll go
get some beers.

Yeah. Hey, after
this,

we gotta
get you some.

What's the
matter, babe?

No! Don't "babe" me,
there's something wrong here,

and I don't want to
make love to you tonight.

Why? Are you
bleeding?

Oh, my God, no!

Listen to you.

This is ridiculous!

I can't make
love to you

with that 3rd
wheel hanging around.

♪ Legend, a legend ♪

♪ The 3rd wheel legend ♪

♪ Always in the way ♪

What do you mean,
calling Jerry a...

Well, a 3rd wheel?

♪ Legend, legend,


♪ Always in the way ♪

You know, he's
in the way...

Like a 3rd wheel.

♪ Legend, a legend ♪

♪ The 3rd wheel legend ♪

♪ Always in the way ♪

♪ Ay-yeah ♪

♪ Ay-ay-yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, hey, whoa ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way,
oh, yeah ♪

♪ That legend's
always in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way,
oh, Lord ♪

♪ That 3rd wheel's
always in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ That 3rd wheel's
always in the way ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ That 3rd wheel's
always in the way ♪

♪ Who invited you? ♪

♪ Who invited you? ♪

♪ Who invited you? ♪

♪ Who invited you? ♪

♪ He's always in the way ♪

♪ You don't want it hid ♪
♪ You don't want it hid ♪

♪ You don't want it
hid, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ That 3rd wheel's
always in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ He's in the way ♪

♪ That 3rd wheel's
always in the way ♪

Yeah!

Whoa! Wait, wait,
wait, wait a second.

I am hearing all
this talk about a...

Extra round thingy,

but, uh...

You know, where would
we be without those...

roundies?

I mean, uh...

Tricycles would be bicycles.

Who ever heard of a bicycle?

That's crazy!

Look, we need


We need 3rd wheels.

Jerry?

Yeah?

What's the matter, man?
Aren't you gonna sing?

No.

I heard what you
were saying about me

being a 3rd
wheel and all.

Maybe I should
just leave.

No, maybe I
should go.

I mean, I can't believe this is
how I'm spending my honeymoon.

Wait, wait, wait
a second, honey.

Who's to say what a
honeymoon should be?

I mean, what does
the word even mean?

"Honey" and "moon"?
It's nonsense.

For all we know,
we're in Jerry's way.

I never thought
of it that way.

The poor guy's been looking forward
to this since we got engaged.

Yeah. Hey, you're onto
something here.

I mean, heck,

I'm no dictionary
expert, but

maybe the word means

to charter a boat and send
it out with nobody aboard.

Hmm. Hey,
you know what?

Let's all apologize
to this boat,

and then let's promise never to
use the word "honeymoon" ever again.

Ok.
Yeah.

All right!

The tyranny of the word
"honeymoon" is over!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Folks, if I
may speak, uh...

An actor is only as
good as his words,

and I'd like to introduce
the writer of that piece,

Peter Kancatancten.

Peter.

Well, guys, what did
you think of the scene?

Oh, Peter,

I got it. I got exactly what
you were trying to say.

It was...

Thank you, Ken.

Jerry?
Y-Yeah.

I, um, I'm not sure if
I got the point of it.

I thought it was a little
too serious at the end,

all that stuff about the tyranny
of the word "honeymoon."

What do you mean, "too
serious"? It's absurd.

"The tyranny of the
word 'honeymoon.'"

it was a joke.

You don't get it,
do you, Jerry?

No, you'll never get it.

That scene was about you.

Duh.

You're the


Is this about
your honeymoon?

Ken and I
love each other.

We are a legally-recognized,
married g*y couple.

Why won't you
leave us alone?

Oh, just get
out, Jerry.

Just leave us
the hell alone!

I can't believe this!

I thought we
were friends!

We were friends.
Now I hate you.

We. We.

We hate you.

Get out!

Fine! Well,
I hate you, too, then.

I hate you guys, too.
You could've just told me!

Jerks.
Leave us alone, Jerry!

Get out!

You're ugly! You all do
whatever you want to do!

You do not talk
to him that way!

Do not let
her hurt you!

Get out, you
broken-down f*g hag!

Welcome back to Screwballz!

All right, well, let's
see who our audience

chose for you
to have sex with.

Melanie, the waitress!

Ha!

So what do you say? You
want to have sex with her?

That's--that's fine.

All righty. We'll see
you when you're...

"Done."

Remember the rules--

Just go have some sex.

Ok, let's say hello again

to Fred and Beth, our
couple from earlier,

who just "finished up."

Well, according to
the judges, Fred did.

Oh, all right, Fred.

Ooh, that's a
strong handshake.

How did it go?

Well, Jim, she's truly a beautiful,
magnanimous creature.

You know, when I saw
her, I thought I should

take her for a romantic walk around
to the left side of the bed--

no, no, no, wait.
Wait a minute, Jim.

There was
nothing romantic.

h*-h*! Sounds like there was some
friction before the friction.

I was trying to be
a gentleman about it.

You know--
a gentleman?

Jim, it
was awful!

I've never met this
person before, you know?

The judges are
sitting there watching us.

It was cold,
it was ugly!

Ooh.
I'm ashamed.

Sounds like it didn't
work out too well,

but you had sex, and we
enjoyed hearing about it.

Didn't we?

And we got to
be on the TV.

Ok. That's right.

Ok, now the
important question--

Fred, do you want to have
sex with Beth again?

I would love to.

How 'bout you, Beth?
We'll pay for it.

No, thanks.

Too bad. Well, Fred,
you know what that means--

we'll give you $20 to
masturbate into a cup.

Ok, sounds great.

Good. All right,

Thank you for joining us,
that's all the time we've got tonight

on Screwballz!

Jim, I just want
to say, I could

contribute more
to the show.

I could come back,
you know, because

I have a very warm,
engaging personality.

You know,
I'm an Aries

on the cusp of
a Libra-Pisces,

you know, so I got
a-- I can quantify.

You know, ver--ver--
I have a veracitude.

Whoo, boy!

That last character David did

might be insulting to some people, huh?

Well, America, here's
your chance to fight back.

Just videotape
yourself at home

complaining about our
show, and send it in.

If we use it, we might
make you a star, huh?

Here's a few we've
already received--

I have never...

Ever...

Ever...

Ever...

Never...

Ever...

Ever...

Never...

Hello.

I'd like to complain
about your show.

Now, I've never watched your
show, nor do I intend to,

because, you know what?
I don't watch trash.

You know why? The place
for trash is in the gutter,

not my mind.

You know what else i'd
like to complain about?

This city I live in--

They're suing me for putting
my trash in the gutter.

They say I should put
it in a trash can.

Well, you know what
belongs in a trash can?

Your show!

Because, you know
what? It stinks!

And you know what else?
Get out of my house!

But you said I
should tape you.

Get out!

Never...

Never-never-nen...

Never-eenero...

You guys are pretty funny.

How 'bout if I come down
there and kick your asses?

How 'bout that?

That'd be f*ck' funny.
That'd be f*ck' hilarious.

Guess what? As soon as
I get this bad boy off,

I'm coming for you.

Hold the f*ck'
camera straight.


I'm gonna f*ck' be there.

Never-nev...

Novenbahn...

Venvervevry...

Furry...

All righty!
That's our winner.

Now remember,

everybody who sends one in
receives a free T-shirt that says

"Official p*ssy
Inspector" on it.

So get out your video cameras,

and have plenty of tape ready,

because I'm sure you'll find
something to complain about

in this next scene.

Casa...

San piazza...

Del sol...

La Luna.

The house...

Of the place...

Of the sun...

Of the moon.

A beautiful home, and
the current residence

of America's most
dedicated actor,

Borden Grote.

For Borden's first role,

as an extra in
a crowd scene,

he spent weeks
studying crowds--

how they walk,
talk and generally...

Crowd around.

For a 15-second cameo
in Mel Brooks' flop

Badman Whatever,
he played a doctor,

and he actually attended
medical school for 2 years.

Now, Borden has taken on
his greatest challenge yet.

First of all,

thank you, Borden, for
granting us this interview.

Okay.

The rumor mills
are churning.

The film you're
currently preparing for

involves abuses at
a mental institution.

Now, word has it

that in order to
play the lead role

as realistically as you can,

you have had the frontal
lobe of your brain removed

and replaced
with bubble-wrap.

Is any of that true?

Aah!

All right.

My next question
concerns the Oscar.

Speaking of awards,

I met borden's
full-time chef, Fontaine,

and watched as he prepared
an Oscar-winning lunch.

Are you making, um,

spaghetti and jelly,
there? Is that what i--

yeah, it's, ah--
It's his favorite lately.

It's, um,
very textural.

Mm-hmm, you
hear that, Borden?

Textural spaghetti
and jelly.

Is that good?

Good!

Thank you.

After lunch, I got to know

Borden's personal
secretary, Billy T.

Boy! And in the 11 years
that you've known Borden,

has he changed
much, would you say?

He's the same Borden from
Minnesota that he's always been.

All right,
slide and turn.

Good boy, come on.

Slide and turn,
slide and turn.

Here we go.

Hey, hey,
hey, come on.

Wait a minute. Are
we having bad time?

Are we having bad time?

Hey! Sy's here.

As luck would have it,

Borden's high-powered
agent, Sy Talbot,

dropped in just in time
for Borden's daily workout.

I can't work
out, myself.

I can't either.

It takes so
much discipline.

This is a high-impact,
full-body workout.

He works out
every day?

Every day, for 17
hours. That's ok,

that's why we put
the chair there.

Hey! Look
who's here!

We made it!
Ha-ha, Sy!

Whoa.

Through the evening,
celebrities such as

soul-singing sensation,
Larry Black...

Ladies!

Hey, y'all!

And hot college
comic, Blueberry Head,

continued arriving.

Whoa!

Borden's, it seems,

is the place to be.

Young Hollywood gathers each
night for fun and frivolity.

It's a
paper-cup hat!

Hey, you can turn
it upside down.

But despite the levity,

our host seemed
lost in thought.

And so ended my day
with Borden Grote--

a man who suffers
for his art gladly,

and softens our
suffering by doing so.

h*-h*-h*-hold on.

I'm doing a
show tonight.

Huh!

Well, I think
it's tonight.

I--I should probably
write those things down.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Larry Black.

This is one
for the ladies.

Ha-ha! Ladies, you
know who you are.

Men,

take it outside.

Okay, the men are
gonna stick around.

All right, fine, guys, I'm
just gonna forget you're here.

All right.

♪ Tonight's the night ♪

♪ we'll make love ♪

♪ tonight ♪

♪ No more waiting ♪

♪ No hesitating ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ in my bed ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight, tonight ♪

Heh-heh.

♪ It's gonna
be all right ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ A night that will
live in ecstasy ♪

♪ Friday ♪

♪ Love day ♪

Heh-heh.

Is it--is it Thursday?

Oh, h*-hold on,
baby, hold on.

Oh, damn it!

We were gonna do
this tomorrow night!

My mistake, baby, I'm sorry.

Why do I even
buy these things

if I'm not
gonna check 'em?

I need a reminder to
look at my reminder!

All righty.

Well, I'll tell ya,
tonight I've got some...

I've gotta do some work.

Uh, I gotta
call some people.

I'm gonna pencil you
in for tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night,

yours and yours alone.

Oh, g*dd*mn it! My brother's
coming in tomorrow!

Damn it! I have to pick him
up at the airport at noon.

Why don't I get all
my sh*t in one place?

♪ Tonight's the night
we'll make love ♪

♪ Some night
no more waiting ♪

Ha-ha!

♪ No hesitating ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ and my brother and his dog ♪

God! f*ck!

f*ck it!

I'm singing a song!

Hold on a second, baby.

Who is this?

This is your supermodel
calling service.

My name's Nicki.

How would you like to
have real supermodels

calling you at home?

Really? Calling me?

That's right.

There are thousands of supermodels
waiting to talk to you

round the clock!

Thousands? Clock?

Order the supermodel
calling service

using any major
credit card, and soon

you'll be getting
calls from the world's

most beautiful women!

Hello?

Your name is Orika?

My name is Andre.

You sound sexy.

You'll never again
be further than

a phone call away
from a supermodel!

Ok, thanks. Bye.

Wow!

Hello?

Alexa?

My name is Andre.

How are you?

That's right!

Not just one supermodel
will call you,

but thousands from
around the world

are at your fingertips!

I can't understand you.

Good-bye.

Hello?

Lizette?

Once you pay
the one-time fee,

the calls start
coming and coming!

Ok, bye!

You can run,
but you can't hide

from supermodels!

1,422 messages.

1,612 messages.

Ok!

That was--

that was our entrant
from Cleveland,

Anthony Blates, with
Supermodel Horror Film .

An interesting note--
that film was made

for $300

out of film that
Anthony carved himself

from scrap lumber.

So, uh...

Let's move on.
The next entry

in my personal
film festival

is a g*y porn
filmstrip--

Why won't you
show my movie?

Please, sir.

It's a g*y porn
filmstrip entitled--

voyage to the
bottom of my seat,

and--

I said--

"Why won't you
show my movie?"

Sir, you didn't follow
the correct procedure.

But I don't want to
have sex with you.

I don't make the rules.

Yes, you do.

Well, this is neither the time
nor the place, all right?

Yes, it is,
it's both.

Man, look at
this program.

See?

"Staged protest, right
before fancy pants."

Fancy pants?
Yeah.

Sounds weird.
Well, look, I don't--

Show my movie!

h*...

Show it!
Show it!

Sh-sh-show it!

What the hell?

Hi-yah!

David, here!

Here, David,
save yourself!

Hey!
- h*!