02x03 - The Biggest Failure in Broadway History

[bunniefuu]

yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.

it's bob and david !

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you.
Welcome to mr. Show.

I'm bob odenkirk.

Thank you.

Thanks.

[ Clearing throat ]

[ Smacking lips ]

Whew. Sorry.

[ Chuckling ]

3Rd motherfuckin' time.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know, I'm
glad he's late,

You know, because
it proves my point.

Oh, my god, what
if he's hurt ?

Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, everybody,
I'm david cross.

[ Audience applauding ]

No, no !
Hold it.

Oh, no, no.

Don't encourage him.
Don't encourage him, folks.

David, do you have any
idea what time it is ?

What ?

The audience and I have
been sitting here waiting.

This isn't
going to work.

What ? 'Cause I
was a little late ?

It's not just
that, man.

You know, I was
raised in a time

When people
respected each other--

The mid-'70s.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know, you
came of age

In a different
time-- the late '70s.

We're from different
generations.

So ?

So I don't get your movies
or your music, you know ?

I was into star wars.

You were into the empire
strikes back, you know ?

I like bananarama, you
like that bangles sh*t.

No !

Hey, lay off, pops !

[ Audience applauding ]

You know, it's people
of your generation

That wrecked
things for us,

The people of
one year later.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know, we're still
cleaning up your mess.

All right, you know,
I'm sorry, folks,

We just don't relate.

I think this
show is over.

Oh, that's
good. Yeah, quit.

Just like your
generation, give up.

[ Cameraman ]
hey, guys.

If, uh...

If you're not
doing the show, then

I'm gonna split.

What ?

Cool. I, uh...
I'm still, uh...

Bummed out about the
dead breakin' up, and...

It's like I lost
my best friends.

What are you talkin'
about, you dumb hippie ?

Well, bob, I can
relate. You know, uh...

I know my best friends
used to charge me

$35 To listen to 'em
d*ck around on guitar.

[ Audience laughing ]

Come on, let's
kick his hippie a*s.

Hey, man-- hey, man,
keep on truckin', man.

Hey !

[ Grunting ]

David ! David,
wait, wait, wait.

Look what we're doing.
We're working together.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, yeah.

Bob, our mutual distrust
and hatred of hippies

Has united us in
a common cause.

Hey, man, I think
we got a show to do.

You got it, buddy.

To the wigs !

Oh, bummer.

[ batman theme song playing ]

Hello. I'm dr. Ken thirby.

Straighten that camera out !

Hi, I'm dr. Ken thirby.

You know, teenagers
can be difficult

To communicate with.

Especially if you're
old fogies like us.

Hi, I'm lionel
winslow,

And this is my
wife catherine.

As parents, we know
that kids only listen

To other kids.

That's right.

That's why we
got together

And created
a program

Where 3
terrific teens

Talk to you young
people out there.

It's a lot of fun,

And you might just
learn something.

So say goodbye to us,

Because for the next
half of an hour, it's

[ All ]
no adults allowed !

[ Hip-hop intro
music playing ]

Hi, I'm kenny.
I'm 14 years old,

And I love to play
those damn video games.

I'm kate. I'm 13.

I like to stay out till
all hours of the night,

Just as long
as I call home.

I mean, what
does it take ?

Oh, hi.

I'm lionel. I'm 16.

I like to take
things for granted,

But that'll end soon.

[ Audience applauding ]

Oh, yeah.

Welcome to
no adults allowed.

We got the most
awesome show

Lined up for
you today.

Hey, kate, I noticed
you got your hair cut.

Yeah, I know a lot of
those girls are getting
those slutty hair cuts.

But I'm a beautiful
girl, I should let
people see my pretty face.

[ Audience laughing ]

You bet.

Hey, guys, summer's
here, and I'm psyched.

You know what
that means.

Summer jobs !
Yeah.

Ha-h*.

It'll be so great
not to have to rely

On mom and
dad for moola.

Yeah, plus, I can
buy that special
rock t-shirt

And album I want
so damn much.

Right on.

Plus, you can buy gas.

Your dad's car
doesn't just magically
fill itself up, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Guess what, g*ng ?
It's time for our

Learn-about
segment.

Oh, goodie.
Cool jazz.

This is gonna be
totally grungified.

Oh, goodie.
Ok.

Well, we're totally
going to have our old
friend craig come on

And teach us a few
skateboarding tricks.

He's good
at it, yep.

Craig !
Whoo! Craig.

Craiger.

Craig, honey.

Craig, g*dd*mn it,
get out here !

Hey, hey.
Calm down,
ken. Calm down.

Hell, that
fellow teen will
be the death of me.

Ken.

I tell ya,
this generation

Is worse than
the hippies,

The flappers and
the nazis combined.

Oh, ken.
It's true.

At least the hippies gave
us those fat watch bands,

And the flappers
could dance,

And the nazis
had that song
8 days a week.

No, no, ken. That
was the beatles.

What ? Well,
what did I say ?
Oh, who cares ?

[ Psychedelic music playing ]

Oh !

I was on the 18th hole.

I don't care.
Where were
you, craig ?

The show is shot !

This intercom-- the
speaker, it fell-- it
was wet, it fell--

Y-y-you're
nothin' but
a slacker !

You know
that ? That's
the word, right ?

You're all one
big slacker.

Slackin' around,
slackin' off !

Slack-itty-slack
slack-slack !

You know, it's
attitudes like yours
that are keeping us down.

You know, we try
to be productive
members of your society,

With our
crocheting,

And our
homemade fudge
for the blind...

[ Audience laughing ]

But you won't let us.

And this has been going
on for over 200 years,

And it has to end !

What are you
talking about ?

Come on.
I'll show you.

What ?
All right,
I don't know.

What, are we
following ?

[ Ken ]
craig took us all on
a heart-smart journey

into the hateful, hurtful
belly of the beast

we call "discrimination."

[ Light, jaunty music playing ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Music continuing ]

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Interviewer ]
but why do you
hate slackers ?

Now there you go, I
don't hate anybody.

Play fair, now.

I don't have to
love everybody,

But, uh, these people,
you know, they...

They don't seem to want
to be part of anything,
these slackers.

They hang around,
bleary eyed...

Messin' up the downtown
areas on their skateboards
in ripped jeans, uh...

Don't know.

Just, don't--
don't dislike 'em,

Just don't want 'em.

The whole solution to the
generation x problem--

Round all these people
up, put 'em in buses,

Send 'em up to seattle.

Build a border around
seattle, washington.

They can have that.

[ Interviewer ]
don't you think
that's a bit extreme ?

We're not talkin' about
locking these people up.

We're talking
about seattle,

Beautiful part
of the country.

They can have that.
That's theirs. They love it.

They can stay up there.

We stay down here.

Everybody's happy.

[ Interviewer ]
well, sir, not to
state the obvious,

But you yourself are black--
african-american-- I mean...

Isn't the kkk opposed
to your race ?

See, I knew you were
going to try that.

You haven't been
listening to me, son.

This is the
new klan, ok ?

Let me show
you something.

[ Beeping ]

[ Drum roll and
music starting ]

[ Woman ]
* hey, check us out

[ Man ]
* have you seen
us lately ? *

* we're the new
ku klux klan *

* and we're 100
percent hate free *

* we're back
to stay *

* and we're
here to play *

* fishin'
* cookin'

* badminton
* scram

[ Both ]
* the new kkk

* we're gonna
have a kazooie *

[ Audience applauding ]

that was
the new kkk,

from the advertising firm
of steinberg and goldstein.

and now we move on
to our final nominee

in the category of
"most improved image"--

from the firm
wyman petricelli,

the campaign for
the north american

man-boy love association,

N.a.m.b.l.a.--
We're not K*llers.

[ Announcer ]
when you think of
the north american

man-boy love association,

you probably think of
K*llers like jeffrey dahmer.

fact--

he was never a member.

we at n.a.m.b.l.a.
do not m*rder.

that's the
n.a.m.b.l.a. Promise.

n.a.m.b.l.a. Members
are productive,

nonviolent members
of the community,

who admittedly
like to molest boys,

but who would
never k*ll anybody.

that's why we
proudly say...

N.a.m.b.l.a.--
We're not K*llers !

[ All cheering ]

and the awardee for "most
improved image" goes to...

wyman petricelli,
steve perfidi,

kermit hurtlyn,
and trevor mcnish

for n.a.m.b.l.a.--
We're not K*llers.

[ Audience booing ]

uh, I just want
you people to know

that I had nothing
to do w-with this.

it was all trevor and steve.

No, that's not true .
that is not true.

no, I had nothing to
do with this either.

i had nothing
to do with this.

uh, my beautiful wife,
marlise, had nothing
to do with this.

honey, I love you.

this was totally
trevor's baby-- uh, project.

thank you so much,
and first of all

i want to thank my
boss, jim bloor. Jim ?

Don't thank me.
You're fired !

thank you very much.

i also want to thank
the people over at--
over at n.a.m.b.l.a.

for believing
in my abilities,

especially kosh
mcveigh. Stand up kosh !

Leave me out of this.

and I want to thank god for
believing in my abilities.

[ Audience shouting ]

Come on !

Get him !
Get him !

[ Crowd jeering ]

[ Crowd shouting ]

[ Horse neighing ]

Monster ! Monster !

[ Panting ]

[ talking on police radio ]

This is a pretty
typical night.

Not a lot of-- not a
lot of stuff going down.

Not a lot happens
here sometimes.

He's over there !

[ Crowd shouting ]

Hey.

[ Audience laughing ]

What the hell
was that ?

I hit a bump.

Oh.

Anyways, uh,
this uh, family...

We've been
here before.

Yeah, these
people are real
troublers-- problems.

Tr--

Problem--
problems.

[ Announcer ]
drunk cops--
hammered in detroit.

[ Groaning ]

Oh, sh*t.

[ Slurring ]
shut up !

Ok, one talks
at a time.

Here we go. Let's
get started.

Come on, officer.

Ah. Ow !

Get up here.
Come on, get up.

Sh-what are you
talkin' about ?

Grabbin'...

[ Policeman ]
why you wanna fight ?

Ask yourself that.
Why you wanna fight ?

Think for 2
seconds, and wonder
why you wanna fight.

[ Audience laughing ]

I'm sorry. I'm
sorry, man.

Work together,
come on.

Come here.

I smell bacon.

Come on.
Come here !

I smell bacon.

Put your hands up.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Engine starting ]

I was kidding, man.
I was kidding.

[ Siren blaring ]

Hey kid, don't--

Hey. Hey, come on.

[ Man ]
sulu, get out.

Sulu, get out
from the tv.

Stupid iguana.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Coming !

Hey, nathan,
what's up ?

Hey, alex.

[ Nathan ]
kelly, what's
goin' on ?

Hey, check
it out.

Got totally sold on
gettin' this iguana.

Wow.

Cool.

Yeah. His name is sulu.
He's an australian hotneck.

And he totally knows
his name. Check it out.

[ Audience laughing ]

Sulu.

Sulu.

Huh ? Yeah.

I've only had him
a couple weeks,

But I can already
tell that he loves me.

Oh, man, he's
beautiful, man.

Yeah.

Hey, kelly, check
it out. Touch him. Go
ahead. He likes people.

I don't know, kel--
I don't know.

He looks
kinda scared.

Go ahead.

All right...

Don't worry
about it.

He just gets
nervous, you know,

W-when he knows
it's time to e-a-t.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't that right,
sulu, you big baby ?

Sulu. Sulu.

Oh, man.

Sorry, don't worry
about it, lady.

He's just trying
to stay warm.

He's just trying
to stay warm.

You know,
australian hotneck...

Gotta stay between
50 and 60 degrees.

In australia,
that's easy,
but, you know--

Hey, man, does he
change colors ?

Is he one of
those kinds ?

Oh, yeah.

Totally depends on his
emotional biorhythms.

Yeah, he's like a
mood ring iguana.

Sulu ! Sorry, sorry.

Sulu, get back
here ! Sulu, come
on, what did i--

Oh !

[ Audience laughing ]

Don't...

He's just showing
off, 'cause you
guys are here.

He knows exactly
what he's...

Sorry about that.
I'll clean it up.

[ Hissing ]

Hey, nathan !
I think he's mad.

N-no, kelly,

He's just
melancholy, ok ?

Sulu, sulu, what
are the rules ?

Answer me. I've
got the paddle.

Answer me.

Don't hit him.

What are
the rules ?

Tell me, what
are the rules ?

Or I will hit
you again.

Nathan !

Nathan, um,
don't you have a
potbellied pig ?

Uh, yeah, but
that f*ck
never shut up,

And he sh*t all
over the place.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know, it was like
he had his own agenda
or something, you know ?

But check it out,
I totally got sold,

And this guy is hooking
me up with something
completely different.

Oh, man, are
you gonna get
that panda ?

Better.

Check it out.

I'm gonna get
hooked up with a
real live albino.

No way.

Cool.

Yeah. Sulu !

Cut it
out ! Yeah.

This guy's hooking
me up with a real
live albino boy.

Wait, is
that legal ?

Yeah, totally.

I mean, not in
this country,

You know, but
they put holes in
the box and stuff,

And they send
it over, and
the guy's like--

Hey, whoa, whoa !

Hey, sulu.
Whoa, watch out.

Sulu, not
the bong !

Sulu ! No, no.
Don't, sulu !

No ! Bongwater.

Sulu, you
stupid iguana.

[ Kelly ]
hey !

No, nathan,
don't hit him.

Oh, he's just
fakin' it.

Man, you guys, I can't
believe you're getting
suckered into this.

Oh, you really
hurt him !

Look at him
play-act.

He is such a
diva. Heh, heh.

Look at-- world's
tiniest violin,

Playing iguana
concerto number 3 .

Fake spasm.

Oh, sh*t.

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, sh*t,
I k*lled him.

Oh, nathan.

Oh, just like
I k*lled bilbo

And the c*ck--

With a book.

Ooh.

Oh, who am I now,
without an iguana ?

I'm nothing.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

I'm nothing
without an iguana.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, hey, buddy.

Buddy, y-you're
albino boy's here.

Oh, hey !

Wow, look at you,
you're so cute.

I'm going to
call you kurt.

You're so different.
I'm so different.

[ Laughing ]

Funeral !

Yeah, let's
have a funeral !

Clean him up.
Bring him along.
Put him in a shoebox.

Come on.

[ Man ]
we are gathered here today

In memory of sulu,

Who lived life,
and loved life,

To its fullest capacity.

Now he joins his
brothers and sisters,

Nathan's other
beloved pets--

Bilbo, the
potbellied pig,

Ted nugent,
the c*ck,

Frodo, the ferret,

Dr. Zaeus, the
3-toed sloth.

C3p0, the snake--

All very intelligent
creatures,

And all very
beloved of nathan.

[ Clearing throat ]

For all creatures are good,

Except when
they are bad,

And we should always
be kind and nice--

That is, most
of the time.

I mean, don't
quote me on that
unless you want to.

I'm not trying to
be judgy or bossy--

Jeepers creepers,
get to the point.

Don't you ever take
the lord's name in vain.

I didn't. I said,
"jeepers creepers."

I heard what you said.

Let me tell you
all the story...

Of jeepers creepers.

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Rock opera music playing ]

[Tires screeching]

[ Upbeat rock music playing ]

[ Music crescendoing ]

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Heavy guitar music playing ]

* Who, the what, the when,
the where, the why, the who *

* Who, the what, the when,
the where, the why, the who *

* Who, the what, the when,
the where, the why the who *

* Who, the what, the when,
the where, the why, the who *

* Attention, please

* If you have the time

* I'd like to
blow your mind *

* Always be good,
except when you're bad *

* Choose to be happy,
except when you're sad *

* Don't quote me on this,
don't hold me to that *

* Is there a god ?

* Don't know for a fact

* Should we live
a good life ? *

* I guess,
it shall be *

* Are you the
messiah ? *

* Yes, i--
no, i... *

* But perhaps

* Could be

[ Heavy guitar music playing ]

* Hey, jeepers,
over here *

* Check this sh*t out

[ Psychedelic heavy
metal music playing ]

[ Music pausing ]

* Hey, man, why
can't you commit ? *

* Stop walkin'
the line *

* Parents speak of
kicking us out *

* But you play
video golf and get
high all the time *

* It's ok to get
high sometimes *

* But all the time
that's not fine *

* No !

* I was on
the 18th hole *

* Your people need
some leadership *

* Cut me some slack

* I can't make
up my mind *

* Get off of my a*s

* I heard you all
the first time *

* I'll get to
it eventually *

* Just leave me be

* I could moan
and groan, but I'm
still on my throne *

* My throne is this
stone, who'll throw
the first stone ? *

[ Music pausing ]

[ All ]
ooh !

* I don't know what

* To think of him

* Who is he ?

* I just got here

* He told me to
throw the stone *

* Now I'm so alone

* I'm going home

[ Psychedelic music playing ]

* What should we do about
our boy, jeepers creepers ? *

* He's not all that good
but he's not all that bad *

* He won't mow
the lawn and he
won't get a job *

* Where does he get
his money from ? *

* It's driving us mad

* Mr. And mrs. Creepers,
for 30 pieces of silver *

* Jeepers, I
can deliver *

* Check this
sh*t out *

* Hoo

[ Heavy rock music playing ]

[ Music pausing ]
stop dancing.

* Shut that
refrigerator door *

* I'm not
paying to cool
the out of doors *

* Well, young man
no choice have I *

* But to sentence
you to... *

* Leave

[ Symphonic music playing ]

* Forgive
them, god... *

[ Music stops ]

Or don't.

It's entirely
up to you.

[ Rock opera music starting ]

[ All ]
* jeepers creepers,
slacker guy *

* Just walks away
without saying goodbye *

* Jeepers creepers,
not so great *

* A guy we'll never
really love nor hate *

* Jeepers creepers,
slacker guy *

* He just walks away
without saying goodbye *

* Jeepers creepers,
not so great *

* A guy we'll never
really love nor hate *

* Jeepers creepers,
slacker guy *

[ Singing ]

Bye-bye, jeepers !

Jeepers creepers.

[ Audience applauding ]

And that's the story
of jeepers creepers ,

The biggest failure
in broadway history.

It opened and closed
on the very same night.

But they made
a movie about
it anyway ?

[ Chuckling ]

No, jay, we did.

[ Audience laughing ]

Well...why,
if it was so bad ?

Well, john, we
thought it'd be funny.

[ Audience chuckling ]

But it wasn't funny.

You know, why don't
you kiss my a*s ?

[ Audience laughing ]

David's right.

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah.

Hey, everybody.
Hippie pie is ready.

[ All ]
ooh !

Ha, ha. I got
the braid !

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Uh, I feel awful.

I know.

Oh, we did
a bad thing.

Tonight's show
offended every

r*cist, christian,
exotic-pet loving,

N.a.m.b.l.a. Card-carrying,
alcoholic cop in america.

I ated too much pie.

[ Polka music playing ]