02x04 - If You're Going to Write a Comedy Scene, You're Going to Have Some Rat Feces in There

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
tonight's mr. Show
with bob and david

is brought to you
by the g.V. Corporation.

[ Audience applauding ]

hey, ladies,
get a load of this !

it's bob and david !

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you !

Hey, thanks
For coming out !

[ Laughing ]

Welcome to mr. Show,
I'm bob odenkirk.

And i'm
David cross.

And we thank you.

We have a great
Show for you tonight,

But before we start,
David, we have
Some business.

That's right, bob.
Now, as you know,

mr. Show is now
A publicly owned company,

And many of you
Are shareholders.

Yeah, so let's take
Some questions

From our
Shareholders--

Our bosses. Anybody ?
There you go. Sir ?

Hello, my name
Is cal peltin,

And i am a
Shareholder.

I have a question
For the gentleman

In the yellow hat.

Uh, what about--

[ Audience laughing ]

What about these
Rumors of downsizing ?

[ Bob ]
Downsizing, yes,
They're very true.

Uh, david was fired


And i will be fired
Soon after this joke.

Downsizing.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm barb shot,
Cleveland stockholder.

I see that we
Have exceeded

The fda allotment

For allowable
Insect parts,

Larvae and workers'
Hairs in your jokes.

Is this a potential
Scandal ?

[ Laughing ]

No, barb. Uh, we're
Not 100 percent.

I mean,
Nobody can be.

If you're going to
Write a comedy scene,

You're going to
Have some rat
Feces in there.

Thank you
Very much.

[ Audience laughing ]

Yes, sir.

I have a question.
Sure.

Why does mr. Show
Continue to illegally

Dump bad sketches
And jokes in the
Hanford river ?

[ Laughing ]
Sir, there are no
Proven ill effects.

Studies show that
That is the most
Most unfunny river

In north america.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok, getting the signal.
Ok, question time is over.

Wait, what about
Your writers ?

Who writes
The show ?

Thank you.
Sir, please.

[ Audience laughing ]

We have heard
Stories of ill*gal
Hiring practices !

Sir, our lawyers

Would be more than
Happy to talk to you.

And now,
On with the show !

So space dog...

[ Barking ]

What are you
Hiding ?

What's behind
That door ?

Sir, you can't
Go back there.

Oh, i can't ?
You just watch me !

Sir ! Sir !
Stop him !

Sir !
Stop him !

Security !

i wasn't sure
what i was looking for,

and i wasn't prepared
for what i would find.

hidden from view
in this dank,

squalid back room,

was an army
of children,

sitting in their
own filth...

writing comedy.

What's going on ?
Get out of here !

[ Chanting w*r cry ]

it smelled like
poo-poo and pee-pee,

and as i was thrown out,
i noticed, in the corner,

a frail waif
with a tear...

in his eye.

[ Audience laughing ]

Tough world,
Tough story.

And it has to
Be tough on
Those children.

It is. The child
In this picture is
Named bhopal,

And he was sold
At an auction

By his family
In beverly hills.

[ Audience chuckling ]

He makes 18 cents
A week,

And his shoes are made
Of old milk cartons.

John, why do
They do it ?

Well, milk cartons
Are porous,

And they allow your
Feet to breathe.

[ Audience laughing ]

I see. Thank you
For the report,
John. Good job.

My pleasure, tom.
Better luck next time.

When we return,
Those sexy deaf people--

They're hip,
They're hot--

Wait, what do
You mean, "better
Luck next time" ?

You gotta make
A big deal out of
Everything, come on.

Jesus h. Christ,
Just let it go.

[ Audience laughing ]

We'll be right
Back after this.

[ Announcer ]
you've seen him
perform feats

of unparalleled skill
on tv and radio.

now, worldwide billiards
champion, van hammersly,

presents a series
of videotapes

designed to teach
as well as entertain.

[ Audience laughing ]

with his first tape,
I oughta be in pictures,

van hammersly showcases his
incredible talent and passion

for the golden age
of film.

A lot of people want
To go to hollywood,

See the stars they've seen
For lo, these many years.

Why not take a
Trip on your own

Billiards table ?

Just pick out a few ba*ls,
And say hello to the stars.

Oh, look who we have
Here-- marilyn monroe,

Star of
the seven year itch.

Next to her,
Humphrey bogart--

"Judy, judy, judy."

And next to him,
The 3 crack-ups--

Moe, larry and curly.

[ Laughing ]

Stop it, gentlemen,

You're going to screw
Everything up.

All right, it's 1952,
And we're on a back lot.

It's time for
The awards--

The hollywood awards !

First of all, marilyn monroe,
Nice to have you.

Humphrey bogart,
"Judy, judy, judy !"

Next to him, moe,

Larry...

And curly.
The 3 stooges !

Get on down
There boys !

[ Announcer ]
then it's off
to the races

as van recounts the running
of the 1974 kentucky derby

the only way
he knows how--

with a pool table !

It's 1974, march 15,

And horseracing history

Is about to be made.

A hot, muggy day--

All the horses
Are at their gates.

Let's run the race,
Shall we ?

First of all,
"Mr. Fast horse"

Comes down his gate
Real slow-like.

Not like his
Name at all.

"Papa's delicate condition"
And "krystallnacht"

Almost trip
Over each other.

Gets your bets in, gentlemen,
Because "batman, the horse,"

Isn't waitin' around
For anybody.

"Nice n' sticky" says,
"What about me, boys ?"

Next up, "stinkfinger."

Next to her, "if mandy
Patankin was a horse" comes in.

Bringin' up the rear,
"Ol' felcher" !

And that's how
The race was won !

tape number 3,
All aboard,

teaches you the history
of mass transportation.

37 people died

In a massive triple
Decker bus accident

In london, britain,
New hampton, wales.

and if you order
right away,

you'll receive
Your g.E.D.

simply viewing
this tape

qualifies you for
a high-school diploma.

van teaches you
mathematics.

You simply subdivide
Each part by its cosine.

science.

Bam bam...

And that's why
We have nitrogen.

american history.

And that's when
Lincoln said,

"Don't dis my homies !"

you'll receive
one tape every year.

your library will grow,

as will your knowledge
of such diverse topics as

renaissance painting,
oceanography,

corn futures,
belly dancing,

december 7, 1941,
billiards,

rock lyrics,
and many, many more !

these are simply the best
teaching-by-billiards tapes

you can purchase.

that's why they've earned
the tbd gold seal.

[ Laughing hysterically ]

[ Audience laughing ]

I think that
Gentleman's g*y.

Well, more power
To him, mother.

Mom, dad, look !

I found these
All over town !

Oh, god, no !

Oh ,tommy !

Tommy, you weren't
Supposed to
See that, son.

[ Crying ]
Wh-why ?

This isn't how
We wanted you
To find out.

Well, i guess
I-it's all out
In the open now.

We still love you,
We support you,

We're proud of you.

You're g*y, son.

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah, we've known
For years.

I feel like a
Great weight has
Been lifted.

I'm not g*y.
I have a girlfriend.

A "beard," that's
What they call it.
Right, mother ?

[ Audience laughing ]

Honey, honey,
We have confronted
Our h*m*,

And so has everyone
Else in town.

Well, thanks to
Your mother's
Tireless efforts,

Spreading the
Word about your
h*m*,

Calling people
And writing people,

And putting your
Picture up on
Telephone poles,

And buying bus
Stop bench ads, and

Starting an on-line
Chat service--

All about you
And your gayness.

Ahh, shut up !

I'm not g*y !
You two--

You two made
My life

Miserable in this
Town ! I hate you !

Oh !

You g*y b*stard !

[ Audience laughing ]

No g*y son
Of mine is
A "not g*y."

You better get
g*y, or i'll
Make you g*y !

[ Audience laughing ]

You just try it !

My pleasure !
Rodrigo !

Get in here !

[ Audience cheering ]

Tommy...

Rodrigo is the best.

Rodrigo,
Do what you do.

Go on,
g*y him up.

Hey !

Hey, everybody !

Hey, whee, ha, ha !

Oh, that was fun !

Greg, what are
You doing ?

Oh, i love to see a scene
About a g*y coming out.

That isn't what
The scene was about.

We weren't done.

Oh, robert, anything
Is possible,

As long as you
Imagineer it !

[ Audience chuckling ]

What are you
Talking--

Folks, i'm sorry,
This is greg sn*per,

He's the principal
Stockholder of mr. Show.

You know why,
Folks ? 'Cause i
Love to laugh.

[ Audience chuckling ]

You guys did
Such a great job,
Guess what ?

Tofutti break !

No, greg,
We can't.

We have to finish
The scene.

No, you don't.
I'm the boss,
Robert.

And the boss says,

* Work is play,
Tofutti break today *

Tofutti time !

Robert, blast off
With outer space

Chocolate
Vanilla swirl !

[ Announcer ]
he's a boss who makes
his employees

eat dessert whenever
he feels like it.

he's greg sn*per,

or, as he's known
to his employees,

"grass valley greg"--

the eccentric

multibillionaire
computer whiz,

who invented
the delete button.

[ Greg ]
thoughts just
come to me,

and i make them happen.

the wilder the better !

[ Announcer ]
he has a passion
for health food

and goats.

Did you know that
The delete button

Is used over
800,000 times a day,

In over 62 different
Languages ?

That's a lot
Of mistakes--

Or, as i like
To call them,

"Oppurtunitystakes."

Mr. sn*per ?

Oh, hey, tanya.

Tanya, it's greg.

Greg, your accountant's
On the phone.

He says it's urgent.

You know
What's urgent ?

Fun.

Have a circus peanut.

It's made of tofu
And spider sugar.

Doesn't hurt the spiders.

This is where
It all happens.

Hey, darnette,
What you got there ?

That's not gonna
Work at all. Good job.

These people
Are the best.

sh*t !

They make mistakes
All day long.

g*dd*mn it !

That's what
We pay them to do !

I f*cked up !

All right, jerry.

Developing exciting
New mistakes

For the next century
And beyond !

You as*h*le computer !

Hey, hey, bobby,
What's wrong ?

Well, i pressed this
Button twice by mistake

And it printed out
The letter "e" 3 times.

Hey, that's great !

Well, it's
Jerry's baby,

I'm just working
The kinks out.

Guys, i think we
Found a new mistake.

Yeah !

You know what that
Means, everybody !

Tofutti break !

Come on, everybody,

You earned it.
Work is play.

Have some tofutti.

* Tofutti awaits
The greats *

* That make
Mistakes *

Come on, to
The cafe-torio !

[ Announcer ]
at grass valley greg's ,
the philosophy,

"work is play"

means constantly
stopping

for ice cream breaks,

an impromptu concert
from boz skaggs,

or puppet shows
by the boss himself.

some workers find it
hard to play so much.

Clay, is everyting
All right ?

Yeah, it's fine.

Really ? Well,
Try explaining that

To this cup
Of tofutti.

Liz said she saw
You take it

And then just put
It on the table
And walk away.

I did. I don't
Like tofutti.

It just doesn't
Taste good to me.

It tastes just
Like ice cream.

No, it doesn't.

It does.

[ Announcer ]
don't get on
greg's bad side,

or you might find
yourself at his
personal ranch,

nannadu,

where he tends
and cares

for over 200
special goats.

[ Audience laughing ]

Meredith,
Don't lick that.

Don't lick that.

Hi, nova.
Hi, nova.

Oh, ron, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

All these goats
Are Ret*rded.

[ Audience laughing ]

Mitsy, mitsy,
Stay out of phineas
Scapegoat iii's space.

Oh, poop.

You know, a goat is the
Only animal with an innate

Sense of democracy ?

That's why they're
Called "nature's president."

Greg.

Greg, we've
Got to talk, man.

Oh, man,
It's my accountant.

Heh, sorry.

I'm not talking to
Clouds on a sunny day.

We've gotta talk.

No, it's playtime.
It's time to play.

It's not
Playtime anymore.

All right ?
I'm serious.

If you want me,
I'll be out
Funboarding.

Greg,
Come on, man !

You know,
You've lost it !

[ Goats bleating ]

He's broke.

I hope you
Enjoyed it, goats.

the thing you gotta
remember is that greg

is not that bright.

he had this
bizarre obsession

with tofu-based products.

He spent $25 million
Shipping a product

Called "tofulafel,"

A falafel substitute,
To the middle east.

[ Audience chuckling ]

In 1989, he hired
The country of canada

To sing happy birthday
To him, um...

He spent $100 million
On a campaign

To legalize tomatoes.

Which i assume worked,

Because i had a
Tomato yesterday,

And i'm not
In jail, am i ?

And those goats,

Those goats live better
Than you or i.

Goats are stupid, mean,
And hardheaded animals.

That's why they're called
"Nature's president."

What should i do,
Mr. President ?

Yes, thank you.

Ok, all right,
I got you.

Jesus.
Send him in.

Ah !

Ahh ! Ahh !

Ooh.

[ Audience laughing ]

Flane ?
Yes, mr. Twilt.

Yes, sit down,
Please.

Flane, i'm gonna
Call you "jerry."

John.
Jimmy. Jim.

John.
Jim-jim-jim-jom.

[ Audience laughing ]

Jim-jom, uh...

I had a man, uh,
Look over your files,

And talked to
A man who'd seen
Him, and he--

He told me
What he thought,

And i liked what
That man heard.

Oh, great.

Uh, you are currently
Making $47,000 a year.

Yes, sir.

Well, how would
You feel about a raise

Of $20,000 a year

And the use of
A company car ?

Oh, that is
Terrific, sir.

A $20,000 raise
And a company car.

Yes, that's what i wanted
To talk to you about...

Um, flane, this company
Is downsizing and...

Uh, todd, with your
Recent raise,

And i understand
You got a car...

Yes, sir.

Well, we simply can't
Afford you anymore.

I'm sorry, but
We're going to have
To let you go.

I don't understand--

I'm sorry,
We're downsizing.

N-n-no, but you--
Downsizing !

Here's a written
Recommendation.

Best of luck
To you.

Flane ! Listen,

Come back and
Sit down, please.

[ Sighing ]
Oh, jeez, listen...

I know what you're
Going through.

I know you're out
Of work, andy.

Hell, it's all over
The office.

[ Audience laughing ]

Bill, you've
Got a lot of
Great qualities,

Gary, you're a good
Listener, you're
Easy to fire, and

Let's face it,
You're available,

Archibald, i could
Get you $12,000

If you stayed here.

$12,000 ?

Great, you got
Some kind of
Recommendation ?

Ah, mr. Twilt, well,
I'll just give
Myself a call.

[ Audience laughing ]

Don't worry,
I'll sweet talk
This as*h*le.

[ Audience laughing ]

Jag off
Isn't answering.

Oh, hey, there
You are.
Say, listen,

What do you know
About flane here ?

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, good,
Thank you.

[ Laughing ]

I'll see you tuesday.

[ Audience laughing ]

What did he--you--
What did he say ?

Oh, we're going
Golfing on tuesday.

N-no, about me--

Oh, you're good.
Welcome to the firm.

Thank you.

Hey, between you,
Me and the wall,

There's an umor-ay
About own-day
Izing-say.

I don't know
What that means.

It's pig language.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Hello. Yes,
Flane's here.

Oh, sure.
It's for you.

Oh, uh...
Yes, hello ?

Fired ?

Ok, thanks.

What did
They say ?

You're fired.
f*ck you, i quit !

[ Audience laughing ]

Damn it,

You put in one week,
And look what
They do to you.

Well, it's this
Damn downsizing.

What're you
Gonna do about it ?

I don't know. You
Just go out and
Have a drink.

Well, i'll
Join you.

I'm goin' for
A double today.

Oh, i'm
Joining you.

[ Audience chuckling ]

[ Whispering ]
Yeah.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Intercom buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, yes, hello ?

[ Man ]
is this my new
distribution manager ?

Yes, sir, it is.

you're fired.

[ Audience laughing ]

Well, that's it.
Fired everyone.

No one left but me.

That ought to
Boost profits, right ?

Right ?

Oh, jesus.

Am i the only
One left ?

Is there no other human
On the planet but i ?

No !

Sir ? Sir ?

Are you all right ?

Why, yes, joanne,
I'm fine. Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh...

You're fired !

Oh, sh*t ba*ls.

Now who's going to
Run the company ?

Think, think,
Take a drink. Yeah.

Always helps.

Mmm.

Who can i get ?

Oh, of course.

[ Announcer ]
after massive layoffs,
the white collar

workforce is being
replaced by child laborers

such as bhopal,

a 9-year-old
from pakistan.

it's a move economists
are cheering.

These kids work
18 hours a day,

7 days a week,

No heating,
No air conditioning,

Very little food,
No vacations.

I mean, look
At the savings.

Last year the, uh,

Ceo of globo-chem
Made approximately

$6 million for the
Fiscal year 1995.

Bhopal stands
To make, uh,

Well, let's see...

18 cents a day...

Times 3-6-5...

$65.52.

So you can see,
That is, uh...

I mean,
I'm no economist,

But that is a
Load of dough.

Jimmy !

Jimmy !

[ Announcer ]
from the boardroom
to the fairway,

this newfound elite
have stepped

into corporate america's
patent-leather shoes.

what's that you're
reading, bhopal ?

a book about work ?

oh, bhopal,
will you never rest ?

put that book down,
you'll miss the celebration !

congratulations, america.

it's 1996,

and you're no longer
number one.

then why the
funny parade ?

because we're talking
infant mortality rate

in the industrialized world.

sally's happy,
she'll have more friends.

but she's not the only one
making a splash.

rub-a-dub dub,
800 in a tub ?

they come
from all over

to work in our sweatshops
for pennies.

"oh, it's a sailor's
life for me,"

says
lon-duc ti-po.

[ Ship horn blowing ]

that tanker's horn
means "ahoy" !

but this tankerbell
means business !

senator howel
tankerbell, that is.

the dixiecrat
from georgia

made a big noise
on capitol hill

with his bold
new proposal

to raise money
for the deficit.

Now, we've got
To solve this deficit

Before it
Gets as big

As a new york
Jew in july.

[ Laughing ]

You know what
I'm saying.

I have a solution,
By the way.

Uh, i believe
That it's time

For a good
Old-fashioned yard sale.

This country
Is as cluttered

As my
Granny's attic.

If you ain't usin' it,
Sell it off !

New mexico--

When was the
Last time anybody

Was in new mexico ?
Be serious !

Grand canyon, just sitting
Out there collecting dust.

The great lakes,
Cluttered with water.

San francisco,
Dirty city.

Depraved, festooned

With criminality
And depravity.

I believe it's time
To sell it.

We're taking bids now.
Best offer gets it.

[ Announcer ]
ladies and gentlemen,

the new owners
of san francisco,

globo-chem,

present a message

from the chairman of
their theme-parks division.

Hello, everyone.

We're very excited
About our plans

For the new family-
Friendly san francisco.

We're relocating
The citizens,

And we're
In the midst

Of a $2 billion makeover

To turn this city

Into the
World's largest

Family-friendly
Theme park city.

When you see
The new san francisco,

You'll say...

"San frantastic."

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, look...

Here comes a typical
American family now.

Mom, dad,

I know where
We can go for
Vacation this year !

Where honey ?

Let's go to
San francisco !

Honey, we
Can't go there.

It's too dangerous.

Your mother's right.

They've got hippies,

Angry lesbians
And chinese !

No, new
San francisco.

Here, look at this
Magic pamphlet.

[ All ]
Wow !

It says,
"Place on ground,

"Stand in center,
And hold on !"

[ All ]
Whoa !

This is
San francisco ?

But it's so clean !

New san francisco !

Mom, dad,

Look,
It's a hippie !

Careful, sissy.

Don't worry, dad,

Our hippies won't
Harass you

Or expose your
Children to any

Anti-authority
Lifestyles.

Our hippies
Are the kind

The whole family
Can enjoy.

Hey, man,

My name's
Groovy gravy,

And i want to
Be your friend !

* Take my hair
To a fun place where *

* You won't
Have a care *

* And all your friends
Will be there *

* 'Cause you can
Ride all day
In hippie land *

* You can fly in the air
In hippie land *

Hippie land
Will feature
Several attractions,

Like woodstock--

The movie, the ride.

A 3-day roller
Coaster ride

Featuring the
Original members
Of sha na na.

Good-bye, man.

Good-bye.

Good-bye,
Groovy gravy.

Peace.

Say, that hippie
Was all right.

He was fun !

Yoo hoo !

Why don't you
Join us ?

Come on, we're
Going antiquing !

You 3 back off !

I've got h*m*.

We are sensitive
To the needs

Of those who suffer
From h*m*.

So in our new
San francisco,

We got rid of
The dirt but
Kept the pansies

By creating
"Bachelor land."

Whoo !

[ Characters ]
* Bachelor land,
Bachelor land *

* Where a man
Can be a man *

* Working out,
Losing fat *

* We got '70s stores
Full of bric-a-brac *

* Bachelor land
Is for mom and dad *

* Work it, work it
Work it, work it, whoo *

While you're in
New san francisco,

Be sure to visit
The restaurants

Of our redone
Chinatown.

Chinese culture
Can be strange

And overwhelming.

So we've remade it into
A fantastic place.

Talk about your
Alien cultures,

Here's new chinatown.

Wow !

Oh, look,
It's like
Another land.

And it doesn't
Stink of fish.

They're so cute.

[ Characters ]
* Meep, meep,
Moop, moop *

* Have some
Hot 'n' sour soup *

* Kink, kink,
h*, h* *

* Have another
Eggy roll *

[ Gong chiming ]

I love you !

This is the best
Vacation we've ever had !

Thanks, globo-chem !

It's san frantastic !

[ All ]
* New san francisco

* Better than before

* New san francisco

* Everything and more

* New san francisco

* Thanks to globo-chem

* New san francisco

* Is all new *

Stop the music !

Sorry, cut it.
Cut now.

Oh, that was
So much fun.

What are
You doing ?

You interrupted our
Big closing number.

Oh, robert, you can do a
Closing number any time !

No, you can't !
You have to do it at
The end of the show !

You guys want
To finish now ?

[ All ]
No.

Great.
You screwed it up.

Well, sometimes
A screwup

Can be a doorway

To imagineering
An imagination--

Shut up !

You know ?

You screwed it up,
Just get out of here.

Yeah, see you, greg.
Bye.

Goodbye, greg.
Later, you dumb sh*t.

[ Audience laughing ]

Greg, greg,
I'm sorry, listen...

[ Audience laughing ]

Look, i know that
You've lost more money

In the last half hour

Than any of us
Will ever see.

I'll tell you what,

We'll give you $5
If you clean
Up this mess.

Hey, make it $6.

Yeah.

No, $5 is enough.

[ Audience laughing ]

Righto, robert.

All right,
Get to work.

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Piano music playing ]

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Audience applauding ]

This is it ?
A guy sweeps
Up a spotlight ?

I'm not in
This ! No ! No,
I'm not in this !

[ Yelling in
Foreign language ]

[ Audience laughing ]

mr. Show with
Bob and david ! Huh ?

Not just david !

Faster ! Funnier !